Anorak News | The Doomsday Test

The Doomsday Test

by | 7th, January 2007

EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die.

And if it can’t think any up, it looks at the latest scientific research.

Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…


“We can’t curb the binge drinkers”


“EU stealing the crown of the great British pint” – Pictures of crowns on pint glasses to be replaced by a CE mark, “which, in French stands for ‘European Conformity’”

“Living dangerously, the ten unhealthiest places in Britain” – Merthyr Tydfil, Wales, RIP

“Did we REALLY drink that much? These women kept a diary of their festive alcohol intake. The results stunned them – and so did the brutal truth about the damage they’ve done to their bodies” – Get pickled and live forever

“My back pain was so bad I could hardly walk…but the surgeon cured it in 20 minutes” – Me And My Operation

“Are you brave enough for the doomsday test? A new gene test can predict your risk of getting cancer, heart disease and Alzheimer’s. But do you really want to know?” – Or have you got all three already?

“Allergy risk for mothers on the Pill.” A study in Finland says women who take pill more likely to have children with nasal allergies – But not necessarily have children

“Dave Dee was lucky his prostate cancer was found early. But then his treatment went horribly wrong” – The Dozy, Beaky, Mitch, and Titchy NHS


“With most of Britain still on holiday, one mother’s impassioned plea – PLEASE END THIS TORTURE” – Jill Parkin spends the holiday season in Abu Graib, in the deepest Home Counties

“Cancer treatment link to premature birth” – Try not to worry

“I WISH I’D NEER MET MUM & DAD. They longed to know their birth parents, but when these adopted daughters found them, the reality was bitterness, recrimination – and shattering disappointment” – Heart-warming stuff


“SOLD DOWN THE RIVER. For 500 years The Watermen have been masters of Britain’s greatest river, taking everything from corpses to the Crown Jewels up and down the Thames. Now their livelihoods are under threat and guess who’s to blame?” – Er… Is it the Rogarians? Health & Safety? Noel Edmonds? No, it’s the EU, stupid…

“As women’s patience finally snaps after two weeks with their bone-idle men…Why we divorce lawyers are having a VERY happy New Year” – Hardworking Vanessa Lloyd Platt celebrates 2007, and half of 2008


“A NEW PLAGUE. Recycling and fortnightly rubbish collections are bringing a huge rise in rat numbers, warn experts” – Organic rats!

“Mother’s hospital agony as birth bed collapses” – “Linda Makin, 35, would have crushed her newborn daughter Jasmine had a quick-thinking midwife not pulled her out of harms way” – She got a bed? In the NHS! Luck so-and-so!

“I’m not religious… but is Mr Blair now so arrogant he believes his morality takes precedence over God’s?” – Tom Utley is not religious

Posted: 7th, January 2007 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink