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Anorak | Gary Glitter Teaches GCSE Students How To Sparkle

Gary Glitter Teaches GCSE Students How To Sparkle

by | 10th, November 2008

GLITTER remains on open sale, Glitter bins lurk in our parks and on our pavements and now to compound the madness Gary Glitter is to be studied by GCSE students.

And not students of crime, rather students in music.

“OUTRAGE,” screams the Sun’s own leader. “OUTRAGE,” echoes the Mail. “OUTRAGE,” screams the chorus.

Readers see a list of songs approved for study by the Assessment and Qualification Alliance exam board.
Says one deputy headmaster – “a dad of two”:

“Boys and girls of 15 or 16 who select this song will go straight to the Internet to find Glitter’s music. I dread to think what they will find searching online for him.”

Whatever they do discover on their Paedo PCs, they will have plenty to time to mull it over as they languish in one of the country’s many young offenders’ units. Rest assured, Government operatives are watching the kidz’ every move online, keeping them safe from voyeurs, pervs and peeping toms.

Other more wholesome songs on the AQA are as follows. Anorak has studied each song in turn, and shown our workings. These are all genuine songs on the list:

Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody

A tribute to gun crime, as any fuel nose:

Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead

Mum turns him into the cops. His crimes are attributed to his cannabis use and the felon ends up in a secure ward:

I see a little silhouetto of a man…
Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-
Gary Glitter, Gary Glitter,
Gary Glitter, Gary Glitter…

An offer is made…

But I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me
He’s just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity

But needs must. Money changes hands and the song fades to the sound of gunfire and the lyric “They want shooting”…

Lionel Bart: I’m reviewing the situation, from Oliver

Glitter appears:

A man’s got a heart, hasn’t he?
Joking apart — hasn’t he?
And tho’ I’d be the first one to say that I wasn’t a saint…
I’m finding it hard to be really as black as they paint…

A load of little boys enter stage right.

Good morrow to you, magistrate! Oh gawd!
…I think I’d better think it out again.

Sound of pounding boots on pavement…

Dexy’s Midnight Runners, Come on Eileen

Come on Eileen,
I swear (well he means) At this moment you mean everything,
With you in that dress my thoughts I confess verge on dirty
Ah come on Eileen.

Run, Eileen! Run!

Andrew Lloyd Webber: Potiphar, from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat

Narrator: Joseph was taken to Egypt in chains and sold

Child slavery!

Poor, poor Joseph, locked up in a cell

To Austria!

Meatloaf: I’d do anything for love but I won’t do that!

A mantra all children should repeat before bedtime and twice before lunch.

The course album is available on Stiff records…

Hewlett Packard Unveil The Gary Glitter Touch Me PC

Paedos For Halloween: Five Way To Survive The Night Of Terror

Boy Caught On Postman Pat’s Nose: Gary Glitter At Large

Nursery State

There Is No Escaping Gary Glitter

Gary Glitter’s Gonna Get You

Madeleine McCann: The Bill, Durham Police And Gary Glitter Is Paedos’ ‘Our Maddie’

Gary Glitter Walks The Land

Gary Glitter Banned From France And Spain

How The Media Made Gary Glitter Appear And Disappear

Kim Jong-il And Gary Glitter Are Missing



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