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Anorak | NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, ‘If You Want To Be Technical About It’

NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, ‘If You Want To Be Technical About It’

by | 18th, November 2008

NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, “If You Want to Be Technical About It”, by David Burge, Anorak Satire Correspondent

AN NHS DOCTOR accused of car bombings in London and Glasgow has admitted in court that he is a terrorist according to English law.

“Sure, I guess, if you insist on stereotyping anybody who blows up a few car bombs or drives a flaming Jeep into an airport as a quote-unquote ‘terrorist,'” said Bilal Abdulla, 29, sarcastically making air quote gestures with burnt stubby fingers as prosecutors read him the legal definition of terrorism.

Clearly perturbed by the line of questioning, Abdulla complained that widespread media of his case unfairly overlooked his other accomplishments.

“Do any of these newspaper stories ever mention how how I graduated in the top 30% of my medical school class? Do any of them mention how I made the final of the 2005 Paisley snooker tournament?” he said. “Oh, nooooo. But detonate a couple of incendiary devices, or fellate one single imam, one bloody time, and then it’s all, ‘hey, look everyone, here comes Bilal, the cocksucking terrorist.’ ”

Choking back emotion, Abdulla told the court that ever since his arrest in 2007 for his alleged role in the attempted plot to kill hundreds, he and his entire family had struggled to overcome the stigma of the ‘terrorist’ label.

“You lot sit there and insist on calling me the ‘terrorist,’ but you don’t have to live with a son coming home from day care every afternoon in tears from the taunting and teasing. ‘Your daddy is a tew-wo-wist, your daddy is a tew-wo-wist,’ it never stops. Those little monsters ought to be on trial, not me. And when the wife goes to Tesco, then it’s all the whispering, ‘isn’t that Bilal the terrorist’s wife under that burkka?’ It’s gotten so hard on the both of them that I almost feel bad about giving them their beatings,” he said.

Abdulla said that he and his family had received little support within Britain’s terrorist community because of his part in the comically inept assault on Glasgow Airport.

“You’d think I could find a little comfort with my mates at the mosque, but no,” he complained. “I keep trying to tell them it was Kafeel’s fault, that he was the one who can’t drive a stick shift, and that I could have taken out at least 20 people minimum if I was driving the Jeep. But they won’t even tease me about it any more, it’s just an uncomfortable, embarrassing silence. I swear the only thing worse than being labeled a terrorist is being labeled a clumsy terrorist.”

“A guy just can’t get a break in this bloody country,” he added. “No wonder there’s going to be an anthrax attack on Bolton next Thursday.” Allegedly.

The trial continues.



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