Anorak | How To Win An Oscar: A Guide

How To Win An Oscar: A Guide

by | 12th, January 2009

ALL actors dream of winning an Oscar. But the odds on doing so are tougher than Laura Bush’s Nicotine path.

But Anorak is here to help. We have examined past winners and can now bring thesps our print-out-and-keep guide to winning an Oscar love toy.

How To Win An Oscar

Module 1: The Script

* Does it contain a good Nazi?

* Does it contain a bad Nazi?

* In how many scenes do you cry? Fewer than three and your gong chances are reduced by a Oscar factor of seven.

* Is there a message on global warming? Are “polar bears” mentioned? Are polar bears mentioned by name?

* At any point does a voice call Muslims to prayer? If not, why not. Speak with the writer.

* Is your character blonde? Can he/she be made to appear blonde by clever lighting and mixing in the company of “darker” actors?

* How long is Dame Judi Dench on screen for? Too long and you’re overshadowed; not long enough, and the film lacks “worth”.

* Is there a horse? A horse in the opening titles spells doom for the entire project. But a horse, preferably lame, can be useful.

Module 2: Lines

Saying lines in a foreign language makes your look smart, sensitive and commendable. But not all languages are equal.

Winning languages: French, Latin, Russian, Arabic, Swahili, Sign.
Losing languages: Dutch, Portuguese, Finnish, Pidgin English, Japanese.

Module 3: Sex

Sex scenes enable you to say that you gave your all to the project and to tell interviewers that making love with so many crew watching was just terrible and how he/she was so professional. How did you do?

Frenzied sex: yes.
Alien sex: no.
Director sex: occasional.
Co-star sex: optional.
Oscar Academy sex: bring pills.

Module 4: Acting The Role of Winning Actor

With the heart-wrenching story of a woman born a handicapped Dickensian Iraqi heroin addict “in the can”, you need to ensure watching Academy voters that you are up to the challenge of winning.

If American you should:
* Perfect your Whoooooop
* Bring up a dead relative, literally
* Be pictured with George Clooney
* Work on your look of shock and amazement (see sleeping with Academy members above)
* Find God
* Diet

If British, you should:
* Be humble
* Be self-deprecating
* Finish your words
* Broaden your accent
* Include the word “craft” in your everyday speech
* Look unprepared

Shout something political.

Module 4: If All Else Fails

Be born rich and/or lucky.

Follow Anorak’s plan and you WILL win an Oscar. It mgiht be posthumous, but hang on in there!

Posted: 12th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (2) | TrackBack | Permalink