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Rosie Millard’s Guide To Looking Like An Arsehole At University

by | 19th, August 2011

ROSIE Millard has ten “fail-safe tips to help your children settle in seamlessly at university from Rosie Millard“.

The chances are uncomfortably hight that this is not a parody nor meant to ironic.

1 Pack a trunk – A new room won’t feel like home until you’ve filled it with your personal flourishes. Freshers should take a tip from boarding school veterans, and pack a large trunk with all the nick-nacks and antiques that make their rooms feel special. Books, artworks, and curios dotted around will make it clear that you are an interesting individual. A trunk can also be used as an impromptu chair or table, for when all the new chums descend for drinking games.

You think that this is meant to be ireverrant. And then you read on.

2 Avoid obvious clichés– Leave behind anything to do with Che Guevara…

And pay your fees on time.

3 Don’t wear your heart on your walls – …don’t forget a hammer and some picture hooks.

One word: Sellotape.

4 Gap-year conversation starters – Pack that lovely Mexican throw, the baseball glove from your summer in America and the cushions from Bulgaria. They will make your room look different, and encourage conversation on something you know about…

Students – anyone with just one of those item are best avoided. You went to Bulgaria and bought cushions. And not ones stuffed full of heroin, but actual cushions.

5 Food – A few big jazzy dishes and serving spoons for the communal spaghetti bolognese are essential. A big teapot or an eight-cup cafetière is a good idea too…

Or just write “Wanker’s Stuff” on the bit of cupboard in the kitchen

6 Bed moments – …Invest in some proper blankets or Egyptian cotton sheets from John Lewis…

This is not an investment. It will not get you more sex. Also, Rosie, Egyptian cotton is real pain to iron. So. Think on.

7 Practicalities – Essentials include a corkscrew, extension plug, rubber bands, laundry baskets, a desk lamp and tea towels.

Or rather: bottle opener; batteries; rubber Johnnies; showering while dressed; you need lap to work at night – which means you are in at night!; the Taliban theme party requires it.

8 Games – ..Pinch the family Scrabble or Monopoly, and also take some packs of playing cards…

Rosie – again, one word: iPod. Or, if you prefer, iPad.

9. Music – A portable instrument such as a ukulele or guitar is a brilliant accessory. Particularly if you know how to play it, and have a selection of seductive Paul Simon numbers up your sleeve…

An accessory to what – the jazzy dishes? See above.

10 Finally, things to avoid – An exercise bike, or other fitness equipment are sure to only sit and gather dust.

Who. Has. An. Exercise. Bink. Under. The. Age. Of. 58? Rosie…who? But, mind you, if the trunk is busy that rowing machine makes an excellent chair…



Posted: 19th, August 2011 | In: Key Posts, News Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink