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Anorak | X Factor Monday: Kitty Brucknell’s Dead Sexy In Wootton Bassett And Amelia Lily Dyes

X Factor Monday: Kitty Brucknell’s Dead Sexy In Wootton Bassett And Amelia Lily Dyes

by | 14th, November 2011

IT’S X FACTOR Monday in the ITV’s show’s in-house tabloid – the Sun. The front-page headline tells us:

X factor chaos goes on – watt a shambles

This is the post-Frankie Cocozza X Factor, where everyone sings like an over-confident coked-up teenager with Nookie Bear eyes. As Lucy Connolly reports:

AXED Amelia Lily was favourite to WIN X Factor last night after an astonishing comeback — ending a shambolic week for the ITV show.

That’s Amelia Lily, Cocozza’s old flame who Kelly Rowland told to dye her hair pink before kicking her off the show. Anyhow, she’s back. Among a gang of singers releasing swine flu over the face of music, Amelia Lily’s the nation’s favourite.

So. What of the chaos?

Bosses saw a mystery power outage delay the start of Saturday night’s show by 16 minutes.

No mystery. Anorak can reveal that after every show, Louis Walsh sleeps under his desk. He only wakes when the opening bars to the title music strikes up, inflating like one of those mad wind-blown dancing dolls you see at sporting occasions. The mystery power outage was Louis sleeping on the socket. Either that or we must defer to the A BT spokesman who tilts back his deerstalking and tells the Sun:

“We can confirm there was an unusual power spike on Saturday evening which disrupted services from the BT Tower for a short time.”

The Sun continues:

Meanwhile viewers cringed as weeping Kitty Brucknell, 26, was voted off last night and screeched a version of Lady Gaga hit Born This Way.Viewers quickly took to Twitter, one posting: “Somebody shoot her.”

Nice stuff. The Sun has invested in making Brucknell the season’s hate figure and even with her gone reports that now off the telly she might as well be shot dead.

The Star meanwhile lads with new that Kitty has been starring in an “8-hour sex-fest“. We imagine Sex Fest to feature lots of Germans holding large vats of larger and clowns on unicycles. The Star has more:

The wacky singer sneaked off to banker boyfriend Derek Gorman’s London love pad for a passionate eight hours.

The sex fest turns out to be a behind-closed doors event, and all we see is the couple sharing a “kiss“. Anorak is reduced to being an adolescent boy eyeing the might schoolboy who pulled with the kind of adoration usually reserved for war heroes, Steve Jobs or anyone who’s ever appeared in a soap.

On the matter of war, the Mirror reveals on its front page that the X Factor judges are at war, their weapons of choice: PRs, marketing departments and talentless wannabes fired from a anus-shaped cannon.

Nicola Methven has news from the front lines:

it was revealed that Tulisa had blasted fellow judge Gary Barlow’s “out of control ego”.

Kaboom!

And it was also revealed that judge Kelly Rowland is embroiled in a nasty favouritism war with one of her own acts, Irish teenager Janet Devlin.

Kapow!

Amid the gore and the guts, we bring news that Kitty Brunknell will be paraded though the Wootton Bassett Theatre & Pub Theatre. Rear Red Lion around Christmas…



Posted: 14th, November 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink