Michael Gove contemplates first class sex with his leggy au pair – Sarah Vine happy to watch
WORKING for a Government that can’t do maths must be tiresome for Education Secretary Michael Gove. You are trying to prove to the country that hard work and basic numeracy get you to the top whilst being ordered about by Fruit Ninja champion and former pothead David Cameron. The Tories love to tell you that competition matters, whilst bagging all the best jobs by dint of birth and access to cash and favours.
So. Here’s Gove’s wife, Sarah Vine, telling Times readers that she co-opted her au pair into running the mummies race at her children’s school sports day. It is not beyond parody, but it comes close. She reveals,“I met my husband on a skiing trip in Meribel (or Merryhell, as we liked to call it)” and that she admires “his ability to know when he was beaten.”
I should say at this point that our school is not one of those namby-pamby all-must-have-prizes schools. Oh no. There are winners and there are losers. Winning is rewarded, losing is not. And nowhere does winning matter more than in the mother’s race. Fiercely contested each year by several of the fittest and hottest mothers in the school, it had always eluded me. But not this time.
Why not? Because this time Mrs Gove is going to cash and influence to win. Her children will get the best start in life – literally:
“Your au pair’s not really going to run the mother’s race for you, is she?” asked mother No 1. “Erm, perhaps,” I replied. She looked shocked. “But that’s cheating,” mother No 2 said. “No it’s not,” I replied, “Not exactly. Firstly, nowhere does it say that au pairs can’t run in the mother’s race. And secondly, it’s delegation. Our au pair is young, fit and actually plays hockey FOR FUN. I am not. I have bad knees, a dodgy back and, as it happens, bronchitis.”
Ah, that’s the ticket. It’s not illegal. It’s not cheating. It’s merely morally wrong and pathetic:
Reader, she/I won. The children were ecstatic (they absolutely adore her anyway, but even more so now). And who knows, they may even have learnt a couple of small lessons. Which are: don’t be afraid to admit your weaknesses, and there’s more than one way to skin a cat.
I have only one problem now: tomorrow’s school run. I have a feeling some kind of disguise might be in order.
We suggest going as a Filipino servant and letting leggy Svetlana shag your husband. Rumour has it that she’s better at it than you and (exuse me) always comes first…