TSA: Molesting And Groping Americans Was Just For Fun
IT’S obvious that the God of Situational Irony hates America’s Transportation Security Administration almost as much as I do: in late October, only a few days before a TSAgent was gunned down at Los Angeles airport (then died a couple minutes later, after typically heroic cops from the LAPD refused to let medical personnel treat him), an engineer and anti-TSA blogger named Jonathan Corbett received some improperly redacted TSA documents proving that the TSA knows the truth of what its critics have said all along: the agency’s molesty groping policies and porny body-scan photos are completely useless where airline security is concerned, and TSA knows that airplane cockpit doors (strengthened in response to 9/11, since the hijackers were able to force their way in) mean any future hijacking attempts would likely fail anyway.
So it’s all been for nothing – all the tit-grabbing and ball-squeezing, all the little girls getting their labia stroked and handicapped kids forced to crawl without their wheelchairs and leg braces, all of it for nothing and TSA knew it was for nothing, yet imposed it on us anyway. Then, a few days after this news broke, a gunman went to the LA airport, furious at the TSAgents who violated people’s rights for nothing—and so one of them died for nothing, too.
Of course, TSA critics have pointed out for years that a terrorist determined to hurt people could just as easily skip airplanes altogether and attack the clumps of passengers waiting their turn to be fondled by a TSAgent. Only one would-be passenger was wounded in Los Angeles, fortunately; the only reason none of them died was that the gunman wasn’t actually out to get them.
The Los Angeles airport is laid out in such a way that if you have the misfortune to be there while a gunman’s afoot, an earthquake hits or any other disaster strikes, you can try running away and hopefully save yourself that way. However, TSA is hoping to close that safety loophole in the name of saving itself some money, by blocking off passenger exit lanes with what are called “exit portals” (according to the TSA and its supporters) or “detention pods” (according to TSA critics, anybody with eyes who’s seen how they work).
The TSA rolled out the first detention pods in Atlantic City last May, and recently installed another set in Syracuse. The electronically controlled pods are made of presumably unbreakable glass; one passenger at a time may enter, the door closes behind them and they’re detained within the pod for a few seconds (assuming everything works properly and the power supply isn’t interrupted) until another door in front of them opens to let them through.
The agency claims the pods will replace TSA guards. Hard to believe the fire marshals signed off on this—but then, it’s hard to believe American authorities respect the law anyway.
One silver lining to this cloud: Back in 2010, a meme starring Osama Bin Laden made the rounds on American social media. You know how, when you relax your hand with your palm facing up, your fingers naturally curl into a cup? The photo showed a laughing Bin Laden with cupped fingers, under a caption reading “And then the TSA touches their balls like this.” At least the son of a bitch didn’t live long enough to gloat about our detention pods, too.