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Anorak | The Letters of Wilf Turnbull and Derek Philpott (Best Of)

The Letters of Wilf Turnbull and Derek Philpott (Best Of)

by | 5th, September 2014

Wilf Turnbull and Derek Philpott

 

WILF Turnbull and Derk Philpott are two pensioners living in Bournemouth, Dorset. They “write to popstars about their song lyrics, and they often reply.”

Letter Number 1:

Dear Republica
Re: Ready To Go

As you may be aware, the house opposite have just had a loft conversion done, which was sadly undertaken by a disreputable contractor, resulting in a profoundly fissured chimney breast, haphazard joists and a shoddily grouted dormer susceptible to complete de-glazing in the face of nothing more potent than an errant shuttlecock.

Once alerted, Bournemouth Borough Council inspectors conducted a thorough inspection of the discreditable garret and, horrified by their findings, insisted upon the ignominious sky parlor being fully ameliorated prior to building approval being granted. Unfortunately, rather than addressing the defects properly, the owners opted for a much more economical ‘botch-job’, which incorporated half a tub of Polyfilla and an unmatching Dulux Tester Pot in an attempted concealment of the afore-mentioned flue crevice.

It was with some dismay, but no little surprise therefore, that my wife Jean and I were awakened this morning by both her PC tablet alarm clock (tuned, obviously, to Bournemouth’s peerless Wave 105.2 FM) and an almighty ruckus coming from across the road. Further investigation from a discreet gap in the curtains revealed that the officials had returned to the slapdash attic, and, thoroughly unimpressed by the frugal and deceptive improvements undertaken, were now teetering precariously astride the tiles and pointing at the stack, angrily and loudly protesting at its deceptive restoration.

It was at this very juncture in the confrontational governing body/extra storey owner proceedings that your “technopop punk classic” came on just after the travel, ”it’s a crack, I’m back yeah standing on the rooftops shouting out” uncannily acting as an eerie narrative to the scene that we were witnessing at that very instant. There, however, any similarity ended; far from being ”ready to go”, the furious officials seemed intent on maintaining their ‘lofty’ position until the matter could be resolved.

Notwithstanding this last incongruity, Jean and I remain extremely impressed by your local authority versus resident soundscaping abilities, although must take issue with your assertion that one week is another world; it is, inactuality not a different planet but a seven day unit ot time.

Finally, Jean has just suggested from the kitchen, where she is toasting a muffin, that in the current climate of so many establishments closing, you may be well advised to consider renaming your indie combo ‘ReWineBarLica’ or ‘ReBeersAtHomeLica’, in order to reflect current trends.

Yours

Derek Philpott

 

It gets a reply:

Reply from Rob Birch received 16/7/14

Hey Mr.Philpott,

Thanks for your letter and request for our dj spot.
Your extensive queries and demands left us kinda lost for words rather than “lost in music” but after reflection we figured your trying to strike a hard bargain so “I see through you” man

I’m definite we can satisfy all of your misgivings even if they are a bit deep down and dirty-we have the capacity to “move it” when your concerning yourself with a nice-up dance , but please, no vol au vents.

If it is club policy to separate djs to the left and right then you’ll have to check health and safety about me frisbeeing records across to my partner Nick when he requests them and keep well out of harms way or you could be “playing with fire” and we don’t want no trouble in said disco.

Mc five alive will deal with the party moves but I can’t vouch for they’re decency, though he’s a regular up in Cambridges Warning d n b nights so he can’t be that offensive. Just put us up in a nice b n b and put a bottle of jaegermeister on the rider and we’ll all be happy in “the end”.

We’re fine with the line dancing and the country and western providing you provide a mosh pit as the combination of that and techno is bound to send us jumping off high places and no doubt wanting to “do it again”.

As for the gaffing down of cables–no prob–and we usually travel with 2 security to “keep up the pressure” to whom we have speaker cabinets velcro-ed to their chests -safe as houses and troublemakers get a good shake up when approached. To put it short,we guarantee our gear will stay put but I can’t take liability for your building as this heady cocktail of music might play havoc with your foundations after we’ve been at it “all night long”.

If you really feel the need to take desperate measures in the event of some mash up I can always do a spot of juggling and Nick knows some Tommy Cooper jokes that I got off the internet but if you get Mr.Beck as back-up, although he’s a quality act, he might cost a few bob and does he know any jokes about your mother in law? I reckon you’ll end up the “loser”.

Having heard that your nights are fairly prestigious boasting a substantial hall of fame on its books , payment should take the form of a second hand ford escort left round the back to avoid any unnecessary paperwork, so I can “check the new ride out at the end of what will be a total stimulation of pure “creation” of a night.

Can we pencil this one in Derek?

Best

Rob

PA-1974949

Dear Rick Wakeman

As a fellow parent, I hope that you can be of assistance.

Regretfully I must confide that my grandson’s school has been lagging behind somewhat in the department of GCSE pass grades, according to the official Ofsted statistics. Upon close scrutiny of said cavillous data, a vast chasm of success between certain subjects included in the field of the humanities was unveiled. In order to rectify this situation it has been decided that the Secondary Modern should meld an area in which they excel with one that requires improvement, in order to perhaps subliminally spur the deficient pupils into favourable academia. They will therefore be staging a special event ‘going for the one’ area of the curriculum that the students are most adept at, Music, and combining it with History, where they are clearly floundering. This unique affair will be billed and promoted as ‘Pastonbury’.

As the original artists have not as yet come back to us we have implemented a contingency plan by putting down 10% refundable deposits on tribute artists Phony M (Rasputin), NO.M.D (Joan of Arc and possibly Enola Gay) and West London’s foremost piano / vocal ‘soundalike’ Feltham John, who will be performing ‘Candle In The Wind’ twice (covering off Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana for no additional fee) before travelling back in time for a pre-booked engagement at Isleworth Royal British Legion.

We wonder if you would be willing to help out by coming along in the afternoon and doing your King Arthur after the tombola. As the event is pencilled in for mid-May there is unfortunately little chance of the playground freezing over in deference to The Empire Pool recitals, so we would be having you indoors, although you should be put on notice that the parquet flooring, not unlike the aforementioned auditorium’s performance surface, can be particularly treacherous when newly waxed, especially when negotiated in socks.

One of the Heads of Year, Ms. Braithwaite, who is a keen enthusiast of ‘progressive rock’, mooted that as you would be here anyway you may as well play ‘The Six Wives of Henry VIII’ in its entirety. However, although she was thanked for her pro-active suggestion, which was duly minuted, the Board of Governors voted to the contrary on the grounds that sadly they only had use of the Main Hall until 8pm, at which time it would have to be vacated in order to make way for the caretaker, and also that, being an instrumental piece, the children may become fidgety if sat cross-legged for such a long period. Furthermore, the organisers had not the resources to stage a slide-show or ‘power point presentation’ with the facility to depict an image of each ecclesiastical revisionist spouse in order to distinguish one set of your ‘moog stylings’ and going up and down the keyboard as fast as possible from another. It was therefore instead decided that

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Posted: 5th, September 2014 | In: Key Posts, Music Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink