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Breaking Media, Politicians & Celebrities Since 1995Tabloid news for broadsheet readers |
Britney Spears life in the news, featuring Kevin Federline, Jayden James Federline, Sean Preston Federline and rehab
OK! Magazine reports that Michael Lohan intends to challenge K-Fed to a boxing match.
Michael tells OK! “Everyone wants me to fight K-fed because he’s a notorious celebrity dad and so am I. It’s for charity.”
JOHN McCain shows a campaign video of Barack Obama and two blonde girls: Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.
Is this dog whistle politics about the black man coming for the white woman? Maybe. More likely it’s just McCain trying to be associated with people more famous than he is.
McCain is 71. Obama turns 47 today. When McCain was 47 the top celebrities – or VIPs as they were then knows – were Dave Kid Jensen, Vanessa Williams and My Little Pony.
Anyhow, Kathy Hilton, Paris’s mum, is upset. So she does what any upset Hollywood mum does and writes an article about just how upset she is and puts it online. Says she:
IF Barack Obama is a celebrity, is he Britney Spears? Is he Paris Hilton?
Does he wear underwear? Does he wear underwear inside - or outside - his trousers?
And if John McCain is a celebrity, which one is he?
“BRIT & MEL GIBSON’S SON!”
So says the National Enquirer on its cover page. What follows is “the shocking truth”.
The truth. You want the truth? You sure you can handle the truth?
“BRITNEY TO HAVE KEVIN’S BABY,” announces the National Enquirer.
While Anorak’s go ahead knitting department sets about create a frappuccino warmer, an “insider” tells us that Britney “has always wanted kids” and “she’d like all her children to have the same dad.”
Unless Prince William steps forward, that’s a mating call for Kevin Federline.
“That’s why she’s been on such good behaviour,” continues our woman with a turkey baster. “She’s trying to show Kevin she’s healthy enough to be a new mom again.”
Can it be that K-Ferret only mates with women who can run a five minute mile to the pharmacists before closing time, bench press a rack of ribs (with both kinds of sauce) or inhale a cigarette in one drag while playing the Flight of The Bumblebee on their nostril comb?
“BRITNEY SEX TAPE DEATH THREAT,” screams the Star’s front-page. It’s the headline that’s got the lot: celebrity, sex and suicide.
Inside and “love rat Adnan Ghalib has received death threats after revelations he planned to sell a sex-tape of Britney Spears”.
Britney is not on tabloid suicide watch, not today.
Says Birmingham-born Ghalib: “I have had many calls about it from all over the world. In light of the constant calls about the sex tape and threats, I’m taking a break from the industry and keeping a low profile.”
What better way of keeping a low profile than telling the media about it and making mention of that SEX TAPE? Answers on the side of loudhailer to the usual address.
But before Ghalib can take showbiz industrial action (one out, get them both out), Star readers learn that he has been “stabbed”.
WHILE the demure Sun features kissing on its front page, the Star has a free sex video, featuring Britney Spears.
In this tape, the singer, naked save for a “shocking pink wig”, is seen engaging in a “sizzling two-hour sex romp”.
Relieving news for those of us keen to see a podgy former star and mum-of-two having it off with a Brummie snapper called Adnan Ghalib. The Star says it is he who is, allegedly, planning to sell the tape.
BRITNEY Spears has been to a clinic.
The sun says that after the tip she went go Costa Rica with Mel Gibson. Could the two things be linked? Do you need a jab before spending time with Gibson, and is it something he insists upon?
Spears has tried Kabbalah, the new age religion based on Jewish mysticism. Gibson is a drink-driving ultra Catholic.
Could their meeting mark the birth of a new religion?
Or given Spears’ bulging tum-tum, the birth of something still more terrible..?
GOOD news for the hard of seeing as Britney Spears engages in phone sex with her former husband Mr Kevin Federline, aka K-Ferret.
The Enquirer reports of “titillating chatter, phone calls and Britney’s “soft spot for sex”.
And K-Federline is quite the phone sex stud, being what one source calls “long-winded”. He can “go on forever”.
K-Ferret is a regular orator with call minutes to burn a phone plan that demands action.
AMERICAN actress and TV presenter Rosie O’Donnell is talking about Britney Spears and mental health on Good Morning America.
She tells one and all: “I have been on anti-depressants since Columbine [the 1999 high school shooting].”
We are all victims.
But what of Britney Spears, did the school shootings trigger her tired and emotional state, or was she rocked by 9/11, Al Gore’s weather film or the last episode of Baywatch?
O’Donnell knows. Says she: “I sort of feel Britney has become the poster child (for mental illness). The kid is very young. She never had a childhood. She never rode a Big Wheel. Rather than put her face on mental illness, or Brooke Shields, who had postpartum depression, use me.”
The job’s yours.
But what about teaming up with Britney and becoming the Bi-Polar Sisters - “Celebrity Madness for the Al Goreans”..?
HAVING criticised Britney Spears for wearing fur, PETA, the animal skin obsessives, are offering the jobbing celebrity a pen at their call centre.
Says a human spokesman for dumb animals:
“We might have criticized you in the past for contributing to the dog overpopulation crisis and wearing real fur, but perhaps now that your own crisis has abated, a new day calls for a new relationship, a new outlook, and a new understanding.”
And Britney is ready. Recently she has played a receptionist on a US TV show. And who can forget her work with headsets?
JAMIE Lynn Spears, sister to Britney Spears, is pregnant at 16 to one Casey Aldridge.
On her gift registry, she has a message to her agent, the Three Wise Men and other present bringers: “THANK YOU FOR SUPPRTING US DURING THIS SPECIAL TIME.”
Pedants may well scoff and note that among Jamie’s list of “I wants” is no mention of a spelling book.
There is, however, a “Baby Einstein Neptune Ocean Environment Play Gym”. It’s the toy that connects your baby with its inner randy German-Jewish physicist. And then drowns it.
BRITNEY Spears is to appear on the West End stage - maybe.
Britney Spears has been offered the lead female role in the forthcoming West End production of Tennessee Williams’ A Streetcar Named Desire, it has been claimed.
The troubled star — who earlier this week helped CBS sitcom ‘How I Met Your Mother’ achieve its highest ever rating — would be following in the footsteps of actress Vivien Leigh if she decided to play the role of tragic alcoholic Blanche DuBois.
The kindness of strangers - the strangess of kinder eggs…
JAMIE SPEARS is father to Britney Spears:
Jamie makes sure to ask Britney if she has underwear on before she goes out.
Brit’s assistant also makes sure she’s wearing a bra and panties, Britney tries to ignore their requests, but her dad is adamant and insists she change if she’s falling out of her top.
How does he know about the knickers?
BRITNEY Spears will now dance for you.
To the Two Million Pound A Pint Bar in Dubai, where Britney Spears is performing an “erotic dance for the Arabs”, or “leering sheikhs”.
The assignment is at the behest of “Pakistani-British immigrant Sheeraz Hasan, who founded Spears-tastic pap-arazzi agency Hollywood.tv with the backing of investors for His Highness of Dubai”.
It was business that came out of an epiphany. Hasan was on his hajj to Mecca. He stopped for a bottle of water. He saw a newspaper. One it was cover of was a picture of Britney.
THIS is a still for a new pop video. But who is the two-dimensional singer?
a) Madonna
b) Britney Spears
c) Debbie Harry
d) Lulu
e) Will Young
Answer after the break…
MADONNA is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Says Justin Timberlake, introducing her on stage:
The world has always been full of Madonna wannabes and I might have even dated a couple.”
He goes on: “She has still found time to kiss someone I may or may not have publicly kissed myself while I was in the audience.
Of course you know I was talking about Sean Penn.“
BRITNEY Spears has only limited access to her two children.
Cue the Sun: “Britney Spears is set to make a small guest appearance on US show How I Met Your Mother.”
In a lawyer’s office between 2:30 and 3:30 every other Wednesday…
Pic: 14
“GAZZA SUICIDE WATCH,” says the Star’s front page, words illustrated by a picture of Paul Gascoigne.
The tabloids routinely offer their readers a chance to slide back the peep hole and check on the mental wellbeing of the celebrity in “my hell”. Paris Hilton, Brintey Spears, Amy Winehouse, Jordan - you alright in your mental prison?
The talk is always of suicide:
GIVEN the eating habits and lifestyle of Britney Spears, might the bump in her tum-tum be less baby than gas? Spears is a mum of two.
No chance, says the Star. “BRIT ADMITS I AM HAVING A BRAT.”
Britney is in a shop. She is looking at things. Pictures are being taken. Says an onlooker: “She was clearly feeling conscious about her belly because she kept trying to cover it by holding her hands over it, or covering it with what looked like a jacket.”
No, dear readers, not a jacket with a price tag attached, evidence of Britney’s meltdown as she enacts a Winona Ryder moment. The jacket is not stuffed down her pants. That is a baby. At least the Star is certain.
Finally: “And Britney, 26, has reportedly been gobbling down extra-large portions of her favourite food, fuelling further rumours.”
Eating a lot… Recovering from depression… Wandering a shop…. A bump beneath her top…
Its has to be a baby. What other explanation could there be? Unless…
Pic: 14
HOW much is being Britney Spears’ father worth?
Spears is not looking to adopt new parents. She has placed no advert in situation’s vacant. But she is paying her father James $2,500 a week until July 31.
A court has ordered the pop star’s estate to pay James Spears that sum in weekly compensation. He has also been authorized to lease a car.
No details of dental care, a pension nor a corner office are mentioned. And we wonder if Spears has got her dad on the cheap.
James Spears is earning £1.250 a month. If a British housewife were paid for her work, she would earn £30,000. James Spears is getting half that.
What would you do the job for? And what special skills would you need to do it?