IT’S Victoria Beckham’s birthday and Heidi Klum, the model, is wondering what to get her.

What does Posh need?

Heidi knows. She has bought her a dozen cupcakes from the Sprinkles bakery.
And there’s a note:

“Happy Birthday - expect a dozen every Friday! Love, Heidi.”

That’s right, Posh needs feeding. And this is the gift that keeps on coming. Every Friday for an entire year Her Poshness will receive 12 cakes.

The Anorak is minded of the quip between George Bush and the BBC’s political pundit Nick Robinson, he of the noble brow.

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“WHO’S TRYING TO BAN ALL SKINNY CELEBRITIES?”

heat magazine asks the questions that matter, getting beneath the skin to the hard, protruding bone of celebrity life.

But what is the answer?

Well, it’s not heat, which features walking pencil Victoria Beckham and Girls Aloud’s resident singing microphone stand Nadine Coyle.

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SAYS Cruz Beckham…

Says Brooklyn Beckham…

WASN’T Victoria Beckham’s 34th birthday party a hoot?

The Spice Girls, Sir Elton John, “Scientology fan” Tom Cruise and Diddyman-done-good P Diddy were all in force to sing Happy Birthday in a show-tune-rap-style to Her Poshness, says the Star.

The Sun sees more names: Eva Longoria, Kate Becksindale, Gwen Stefani, Katie Holmes and David Beckham, who the Mirror says was also celebrating his birthday party.

A joint party is always a good idea, preventing either of the Beckhams from claiming more showbiz pals than the other.

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“BECKS ‘LOVER TO TELL ALL.”

The Star reports that Rebecca Loos is to lift the lid on her “sexploits” in a new TV show.

In what TV watchers are calling Country File meets Channel X celebrity pig tosser Rebecca Loos will tell us all about her love life.

Along with the livestock insights, Loos may find time to mention David Beckham, with whom she alleges an affair.

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“IT’S CRAZY HOW FUNNY SHE IS – SHE’S SO FRICKIN’ FUNNY,” says either Eva Longoria or Victoria Beckham, who are in audience with OK!” magazine.

Both might have provided the headline quote, given that they are best of best friends. On further investigation, though, it turns out that Eva is talking of Posh who is funny because she “just has that British sense of humour.”

Not that spite-filled English sense of humour that seeks out a victim to ridicule and destroy, injecting the assault with a jocular “only joking, pal” when the victim looks on the point of tears or violence.

Posh, allegedly, is possessed of that self-depricating, irony-laden British sense of humour.

Posh is, apparently, really funny. So funny is she that we would not be surprised to learn that being Victoria Beckham is all a comedy act, a merciless and clever skit on the shallowness of talentless celebrities.

And Eva has picked up the subtleties, posing with a Magnum ice cream alongside an image of her advertising Magnum ice creams. She then stands before a plate on which a lobster’s severed head languishes beside some asparagus.

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A PICTURE of Victoria Beckham, aka Her Poshness, outside a florist shop.
“Mrs Becks just too Posh to push,” says the Express on its front page. Too posh to push a – he-he – “Shopping trolley”.

Indeed, gentle readers, no small shock to learn that Posh buys her own flowers and is not met each morning by a carpet of orchid petals with Day-vid stood at the foot of her bed with a bud between his lips and another tucked nearly into his thong.

But sensation upon sensation as David is said to be buying a football club with the not-in-the-least-bit-creepy Tom Cruise.

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“VICTORIA’S 1am crisis talks with David,” says the Grazia front-page headline.

What couple has not been there when the third worst phrase in marriage punctures the still, sleepy silence: “You awake?”

But Victoria Beckham, for it is she, is not nudging her Day-vid to talk about her worries but dialling his phone number.

David is also, as reported, on the blower. He’s texting his wife.

Is it a Bext?

Bext (message) (n) - An obscene text message.
 (“You should see the bext he sent me. He’s one dirty son of a bitch.”)

Source: Anorak Dictionary.

David, says Grazia is texting his wife to tell her that he’s going out.

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BIG news in the world of popular music as Chanelle Hayes, Big Brother alumni, releases her debut single, a track called I Want It.

It features the line:

“I’ve got something that you’d like to know,
I’m a sexy lady,
Drive your crazy
Make your bedroom mo-ho”

No doubt that Chanelle would drive us crazy, stark raving mad, even. To test the theory Anorak has secured our resident Lithuanian coffee maker, Aras, to a pair of headphones and will force him to listen to Chanelle morning noon and night for seven days.

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JOAN River wants someone to listen to her, so she talks about Victoria Beckham:

“I dislike Victoria Beckham,” she seethed. “The entitlement - the total entitlement. You want to say: ‘Calm down, you were a Spice Girl.’ The arrogance when she walks into a room is astonishing.”

Source 

MUCH debate in the build up to David Beckham’s testimonial match in Paris over what haircut he’d go for.

This being his 100th cap, many hoped Beckham would pay homage to one of his predecessors. No golden boots and fanfare for Peter Shilton, just a light perm, some conditioner and a twirl of forefinger and thumb.

But Beckham has yet to do curlies. Indeed his depilation regime suggests a phobia against curly hair. The Shilton was a no show.

Down the list of 100-plus cap winners, and a sensible Bobby Moore side-rule-parting would have delighted the purists.

Better yet, a Bobby Charlton display of extravagance and daring. For all his 754 haircuts, Beckham has yet to take on the Charlton, a hairstyle Bobby made his own and wore atop his own crowd of glowing strawberry blond locks season in, season out.

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VICTORIA Beckham looks Incredible in Marc Jacobs - or something from the Incredibles…