FOR those of you heard the “lies” about Kerry Katona being trapped with Mark Croft and wishing she’d never married him; for those of you who’ve read that she’s “depressed” and “suffering fresh doubts” about her marriage, forget it.

Those stories about her being trapped in a marriage with Mark Croft, about her suffering fresh doubts and being depressed are “lies”.

Get over them. And get over yourself.

This is Kerry Katona’s OK! Diary, OK, and she knows what’s what.

Okay!?

“WHAT’s stopped you thrusting yourselves into the limelight, like the Beckhams?”

That question to Sheree Murphy and occasional Liverpool footballer Harry Kewell, who features on the front cover of OK! magazine.

“It’s their decision,” says Sheree, who says that she and her footballer got loads of offers but Harry “stayed private”.

Liverpool fans may well nod. They’ve seen little of Harry Kewell in this time at the club, and rumours abound that he not so much shuns the limelight as the light itself.

But here is Harry, at home in his wooden kitchen, with son Taylor dangling round his neck, daughter Ruby sat on the granite worktop and newborn baby Matilda in Sheree’s arms, which stay quite thin (“a lot of it was water”).

These are private moments with the Kewells.

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PETER Andre leaves urine on the toilet seat.

Given Peter’s careful appearance, we imagine this urine is left on the rim in a hand-blown, crystal-studded glass vial tied with a pink bow.

In turn, Jordan gives her husband a vial of her eponymous perfume, for him to pour lovingly down the pan after said urine.

But what of the rumours about this and that and the other things?

Peter tells OK! readers of his “inner circle”, which is very possibly a euphemism, and says: “Sometimes we’re a bit too trusting and we tell people things we shouldn’t.”

The urine, right? “A lot of stories are false anyway.”

(more…)

“IT’S CRAZY HOW FUNNY SHE IS – SHE’S SO FRICKIN’ FUNNY,” says either Eva Longoria or Victoria Beckham, who are in audience with OK!” magazine.

Both might have provided the headline quote, given that they are best of best friends. On further investigation, though, it turns out that Eva is talking of Posh who is funny because she “just has that British sense of humour.”

Not that spite-filled English sense of humour that seeks out a victim to ridicule and destroy, injecting the assault with a jocular “only joking, pal” when the victim looks on the point of tears or violence.

Posh, allegedly, is possessed of that self-depricating, irony-laden British sense of humour.

Posh is, apparently, really funny. So funny is she that we would not be surprised to learn that being Victoria Beckham is all a comedy act, a merciless and clever skit on the shallowness of talentless celebrities.

And Eva has picked up the subtleties, posing with a Magnum ice cream alongside an image of her advertising Magnum ice creams. She then stands before a plate on which a lobster’s severed head languishes beside some asparagus.

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SAYS KERRY Katona in OK! magazine: “I DON’T HAVE TO WEAN MY BABY OFF COCAINE.”

No, that what celebrity mums’ nurses are for, say you. But you’d be wrong.

Kerry does not have to wean her baby off cocaine because her baby is going to be a star and it’s good to get a taste for narcotics early and be one step ahead of the pack.

No, that’s not it either.

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“SARAH HARDING And TOM CRANE.”

OK! magazine begins in customary fashion, screaming the names of its star turns. Those readers taking Anorak’s GCSE in OK! Studies may look for the ensuing “Compare and contrast”, “Discuss” or “Explain”.

But none is forthcoming. “SARAH HARDING and TOM CRANE” is the whole story.

And inside the magazine we get to see them being SARAH HARDING and TOM CRANE in their converted Victoria school building.

Sat on a sofa that could fill a primary school playground, we see Sarah in a silvery dress. She is lying on Crane. Her eyes are to the camera. Crane is trying to read a book.

It’s a look slightly less natural and sinister than Robert Kilroy Silk’s tan line (if you see Robert, let us know.)

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OK!’s “25 best diet tips ever” features a picture of Cheryl Cole at No.1.

Runs the explainer: “Make like Cheryl Cole and blend your own fruit smoothies to help meet the five-a-day fruit and vegetable intake guidelines”.

Take care not to exceed the guidelines lest you become brim-full and overspill in a car, say, or in a romantic interlude with an insignificant other.

Keep taking the carrots, Ashley…

JENNIFER Lopez is presenting twins Max and Emme to OK! readers.

Which one is named after the TV awards do and which is named after a cola-based drink is not immediately apparent.

What is noticeable is that one child looks about three times older than the other and about twice the size. The smaller child has its eyes closed, and the bigger one its eyes open.

You can almost hear them communicating.

Of course, the real question is which gets the mother’s buttocks and which the husband’s face?

The hope is that Emme gets the former and Max the latter. But life can be cruel and while a man with a ripe pumpkin–sized backside will attract attention, a girl with a whispy goatee and skin tones that would see a lesser man hospitalised may retreat into her shell.

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OK! Magazine’s “PSYCHIC SALLY” is in conversation with EastEnders’ Joe Swash.

Dim the lights…

Sally: You play your character in EastEnders relly well, as as far as the public is concerned, you are Mickey. But you have a burning need to do something else. Would I be right?

Joe: Yes, you would be.

As reported on Anorak on February 25, Joe has been written out of the EastEnders cast.

Spooky…

KERRY Katona in her OK! column:

“They’re making news out of nothing and it’s doing my head in.”

More of her customary insight next week…

KERRY Katona writes in her OK! Diary:

“One of the many headlines last week was Kerry: ‘I want my old boobs back’ – well I guess that’s partly true. My boobs used to be alright back in the day, but they’ve gone a bit south now!

To Dubai, on a weekend break with Danielle Lloyd, we’d wager…

COLEEN McLOUGHLIN stands before a mirror, offering us a view of her front and a reflected view of her back.

Coleen McLoughlin is the complete woman.

Says OK!: “While all eyes have been on London recently for assorted swanky events like the BAFTAS and BRITS, the capital doesn’t have the monopoly on star-studded bashes.”

And to prove it OK! joins Coleen, Lauren Blake and Justine Mills at the opening of a hairdressers up north.

Also there are Evie Lavin, Sinead Moynihan, Emma Rigby, Katy O’Grady and Liverpool’s most eligible bachelor Stilt Walkers…

IN OK! magazine, Victoria Beckham says of her Day-vid: “A lot of people think he’s a bit dim, but when you get to know him he’s actually quit deep.”

Such is the insight of Victoria Beckham.

Anorak has been reviewing Phil Shaw’s The Book of Football Quotations. Here’s few more bon mots from Victoria:

• “He walks around the kitchen going: ‘I’m a gay icon, I’m a gay icon.’ When I say, ‘So am I’, he just goes, ‘But they love me more.’”

• “He’s a really intelligent person. He’s really deep, which I like.”

• “David is an animal in bed. Some woman asked me in an interview: “Are you so thin because you shag all day?” And I said: “Actually, yes.”

• “I’ve read it cover to cover. It’s got some nice pictures.” (On a biography of her husband.)
  

• “I’m sure there are lots of people who’d love to feel how soft his skin is. His skin is like our baby’s.”

• “Me and David have always been very compatible. We’re going to get old together. We have a laugh. We got into bed together the other night, he put on the TV and what’s he watching? Ground Force. I said to him: “But I heard you’re really into porn.”

Victoria Beckham is singer-model-desinger-Wag-sex-just-like-you-and-me-talented…

SAY the Jordan-inspired headline: “I WANT TO ADOPT ANOTHER DISABLED KID ON MY NEXT DAY OFF.”

It’s front-page news in OK!.

And it’s good news for disabled kids. But hold the fake bake. And as you were with the extra name vowels.

Jordan doesn’t tell OK! readers when her next day off is. It could be today. It could be tomorrow. Or for  Jordan - ‘the hardest working chest in showbiz’ - it could be in ten years time.

On the bright side, disabled kids will continue to live in hope, and Jordan’s team of disabled kid scouts will have time to find the right one…

ODD indeed that OK! should feature the Spice Gilrs on stage and not airbrush faces onto their odd-looking children.

But the magazine aims for authenticity and truth in all that it does, so we see the blurry outlines and smudged features of Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz Beckham.

This facial tick has afflicted all Spice Kids, and Bluebell Halliwell, Beau Bunton and Angel Brown all have no features, just a facial smudge.

Anorak has employed our computer wizards to transfer suitable faces on all the children in the hope that when they next take to the stage they will not be judged too harshly…

COLEEN McLoughlin has been busy.

Much of the McLouhglin week is condensed into a single page in Closer magazine. The highlights:

“I wore this outfit when I went to a hair salon in Liverpool to have my extensions tightened”

“I really like shirt with jeans and I think the look is smart but casual”

“I had such a lovely holiday in Barbados”

“I bought a Matthew Williamson scarf… it’s pastel coloured with a map on it”

Phew!

Now Coleen hot foots it OK!, where she appears on the cover with the Wagtastic Alex Curran and Sheree Kewell.

The conversation inevitably moves on from plate tectonics to Cheryl and Ashley Cole, whom Sheree hopes can “move on”.

The other topic of chatter is Sheree’s baby shower.

There are baby Dior outfits, designer berets and diamond-encrusted dummies. Says Sheree: “I have nothing left to buy.”

How they must have roared with laughter at Sheree’s little joke. More on that next week…

“YES, it’s a mad world we live in but that’s how we live our lives,” says OK!’s woman of the moment as she shows us around her “new pastel pink St Alban’s house that she recently bought with her fiance – and her ex-therapist – Steve McKeown.”

Anorak wonders at the rights and wrongs of shacking up with one’s former therapist. In a moment of heated debate, or row, the therapist may not argue back but just take notes and so inflame the situation. He may then present you with a bill, and a week later submit a full report on your mental wellbeing.

Steve dresses in a Hawaiian shit with matching shorts, sunglasses, a straw hat and with one foot resting on a plastic (?) crab. He is in the lounge of - you might not have guessed it - Michelle Bass’s home.

The intention seems to be to affect an air of ease and fun, but Steve succeeds only in looking unhinged and on the verge of doing something untoward with the pink electric guitar (not plugged in) he is strumming.

Michelle is in a bikini, string dress and a huge plastic garland. She is holding a tambourine.

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KERRY Katona’s guide to celebrity in OK!: “Well, I didn’t think much of that Demi Moore pose that Javine Hilton did for a magazine.

“I was asked by MTV to do the same pose, but I said no. It’s been so overdone… The recent photo-shoot I did for a newspaper in my undies showed enough of me.”

That’s how trends begin…