A Doctor Writes

‘TODAY is, according to the Mirror’s WMD-ometer, the 357th day that we haven’t found the weapons of mass destruction that took us to war with Iraq.

‘Have I not elegance? Have I not fragrance?’

It is also, according to the …

Begging The Question

‘SEEING as Jordan has lived out every moment of her adult life in the tabloids, we wonder what her autobiography could possibly tell us that we don’t know.

‘Who’s to say that there’s not someone hiding under the duvet?’

The …

This Happy Breed Of Men

‘TODAY Anorak salutes a quite extraordinary bunch of people – the 987 Sun readers who phoned in yesterday to back the proposed European constitution.

Poll Sensation: 3% Say Yes

Who are these brave men and women who have remained resolute …

Foetal Position

‘TV people like nothing better than breaking taboos.

In my womb

We’ve had gay kisses on Coronation Street, incest on Brookside and open and frank mid-morning discussions about anything from bestiality to Hoover abuse.

But no real taboos have been …

Takeaway Service

‘YOU have to give the robber some credit, if not for his choice of target then at least for his clever thinking.

The man called a branch of KFC in Pittsburgh pretending to be a policeman and warning of a …

Hand Of God

‘THERE is the scent of irony detectable in the Guardian’s picture of the dangerously ill Diego Maradona.

‘Have you seen these men? If so, please contact Mr C Ranieri…’

In the shot that sits on the cover of the paper’s …

The Spanish Armada

‘SIR Francis Drake may have repelled the Spanish Armada more than 400 years ago, but he didn’t manage to stop all Iberian influence from reaching these shores.

Because bluebells have feelings too

And like the floral equivalent of an Al …

Chinese Whispers

‘A FEW years ago, Prince Edward complained to an American audience that the British did not celebrate success.

‘Hmmm – Sunningdale or Wentworth tomorrow?’

It was a subject on which no-one was more qualified to comment than the actor-prince – …

Becks Does Penance

‘REBECCA Loos and Sarah Marbeck have done their worst; now the interview all the papers want is with one person we know has slept with David Beckham – his wife Victoria.

‘It sleeps 12, so there’s one room for you,

The Squeak Box

‘HAVING heard David Beckham speak, we were none to surprised that, when it came to phone sex, Rebecca Loos preferred to communicate with her lover by text message.

Dr Sataloff’s David Beckham impression accounts for yet another mirror

One word …

Suburban Sprawl

‘BOB Woodward’s claims will be debated in the corridors of power and nattered over in the dining rooms of the suburban masses.

The Swinging Suburbs

Over Tesco’s own-brand wine and Jamie Oliver recipes, Abigail and Lawrence will turn to Hyacinth …

The Poodle’s Balls

‘AS he languishes in a vault below the enchanted castle at Disney World, Saddam Hussein could do a lot worse than pick up a pen and begin to write.

‘The right one’s just about this big’

While we grow ever …

Krista Beau

‘LET it be said – there are no bigger fans of Ben Affleck than the people here in Anorak Towers.

Wooden Allen

Indeed, whenever we are feeling in need of a good laugh, it is always to Ben we turn. …

Julia Sloberts

‘JULIA Roberts may have been engaged more often than David Beckham’s mobile phone, but these days we’re glad to report that she’s a happily married woman.

You’d kick her out of bed

However, it wasn’t always thus – there was …

Excuses Excuses

‘IF you’re not already washing your hair for the whole of the month of June, get out and stock up on shampoo right now.

The wedding list is available at Doctors Nip ‘N’ Tuck’s emporium

News is that Demi Moore …

Bump Kin

‘FROM being too proud to push, the trend now is for a celeb to gestate like a constipated elephant.

‘I’ll let you out when I’m famous’

In “STARS AND THEIR BUMPS”, OK! takes a look at the celebrities who are …

Fitting The Mould

‘BEHIND every stereotype is an element to truth.

‘Hurry up with that Gavin, Gavin’

Helping us to illustrate that point, OK! has helpfully solicited the DIY skills of Gavin Lowe and his lovely family.

For those of you not in …

Addicted To Love

‘“THE SHOCK TRUTH,” gasps OK! on its front cover. “THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO KNOW REVEAL ALL TO OK!”

The lights are on, but no-one’s home…

Sadly for the magazine, a number of women have stepped forward since Rebecca Loos made …

Holiday Camp

‘THE Easter Bank Holiday gave scriptwriters a chance to wheel out their favourite (and least successful) plot device – the Walford away-day.

‘Don’t worry, Martin, we’ll get you another jacket’

While it might be nice for cast and crew to …

Holy Tackle!

‘TACKLING streakers, rescuing a damsel in distress and keeping the population of the tiny English town of Whitley safe – it’s all in a day’s work for Batman And Robin.

But who exactly are these caped crusaders? The Reading Evening …

Beckham’s Blues

‘DAVID Beckham could be on his way out of Real Madrid, and not only because he has exhausted the Spanish capital’s supply of beautiful women.

‘We are just good friends,’ says Day-vid

The Sun reports that the club could decide …

Raspberry’s Ripples

‘READERS of most of this morning’s papers are treated to pictures of a bikini-clad Kelly Brook splashing around in the surf on the set of her new film.

Surf’s up

This admittedly hardly constitutes news, but it is at least …

Albert Square-Bashing

‘I SLEPT With David Beckham could be just the ratings winner the BBC needs, especially at a time when its flagship soap EastEnders is in trouble.

‘And then what did the aliens do, Arthur?’

Indeed, the Star reports that the …

Who David Did Next

‘VICTORIA Beckham is on course to realise her ambition to be more famous than Persil Automatic, ironically thanks to her husband’s less than whiter-than-white behaviour.

Wonder what Freud would have made of Sarah MarBECk, ReBECca Loos and now ReBECca Pous?’

Non-Vegetable Curry

‘SUCH is Tony Blair’s U-turn on the Euro-referendum that we medical types fear for his state of mind.

Just what the doctor ordered

Might it be that Tony is less the opportunistic operator, the grinning salesman who moves only when …