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Meghan Markle to dress ‘genderless’ baby in a suit

Meghan Markle

Meghan Markle will “break with tradition” and raise the young Prince “genderless”. So says the Daily Star. Meghan will do away with traditional macho frilly lace, broaches and knickerbockers, preferring to dress the young sire in something more masculine and yet also more feminine, like a smart business suit with complementary document wallet and sensible shoes.

The paper also notes that the royal nursery will be designed in “gender-neutral colours” of beige and grey from the corporate pallet.

Says one Royal watcher to Anorak: “It’s what Chairman Mao and Bill Gates would have wanted.”

Posted: 25th, February 2019 | In: Fashion, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Meghan Markle writes an open letter to her dear old dad

meghan markle

Meghan Markle will need stronger crystals and a firmer deep tissue massage to reach the serotonin (happy hormones) as her heart is “broken beyond repair”. The Express has news that Meghan is pained by her father’s decision to “reveal” a private letter. And he “could release MORE”. MORE! We want more, rather MORE. But for now all we have to tuck into is a handwritten note Meghan sent her father, Thomas Markle – “In August, Meghan wrote to her Meghan’s father to stop his attacks.” She wrote:

Daddy,

It is with a heavy heart that I write this, not understanding why you have chosen to take this path, turning a blind eye to the pain you’re causing. Your actions have broken my heart into a million pieces – not simply because you have manufactured such unnecessary and unwarranted pain, but by making the choice to not tell the truth as you are puppeteered in this. Something I will never understand.

You’ve told the press that you called me to say you weren’t coming to the wedding – that didn’t happen because you never called.

You’ve said I never helped you financially and you’ve never asked me for help with is also untrue; you sent me an email last October that said: ‘If I’ve depended too much on you for financial help then I’m sorry but please could you help me more not as a bargaining chip for my loyalty’…

I have only ever loved, protected, and defended you, offering whatever financial support I could worrying about your health…and always asking how I could help. So the week of the wedding to hear about you having a heart attack through a tabloid was horrifying.

I called and texted… I begged you to accept help – we sent someone to your home…and instead of speaking to me to accept this or any help, you stopped answering your phone and chose to only speak to tabloids.

If you love me, as you tell the press you do, please stop.Please allow us to live our lives in peace. Please stop lying, please stop creating so much pain, please stop exploiting my relationship with my husband…

I realise you are so far down this rabbit hole that you feel (or may feel) there’s no way out, but if you take a moment to pause I think you’ll see that being able to live with a clear conscience is more valuable than any payment in the world.

I pleaded with you to stop reading the tabloids.On a daily basis you fixated and clicked on the lies they were writing about me, especially manufactured by your other daughter, who I barely know.
You watched me silently suffer at the hand of her vicious lies, I crumbled inside.

We all rallied around to support and protect you from day one, and this you know.

So to hear about the attacks you’ve made at Harry in the press, who was nothing but patient, kind and understanding with you is perhaps the most painful of all.

For some reason you continue fabricating these stories, manufacturing this fictitious narrative, and entrenching yourself deeper into this web you’ve spun.

The only thing that helps me sleep at night is the faith and knowing that a lie can’t live forever.

I believed you, I trusted you, and told you I loved you.

The next morning the CCTV footage came out.

You haven’t reached out to me since the week of our wedding, and while you claim you have no way of contacting me, my phone number has remained the same.

This you know. No texts, no missed called, no outreach from you – just more global interviews you’re being paid to do and say harmful and hurtful things that are untrue.”

He commented: “This is not the girl I know. It’s not the way she talks. This letter is cold. When she signs off it’s ‘Meg’. You read the way it ends and it felt like a final farewell to me.”

You can read the same story in the Mirror – where it’s an “exclusive”

This is jut one of 14 – that’s FOURTEEN in Express language – stories on Meghan Markle in today’s paper of record. Other highlights include:

“What is the latest travel advice for expectant mothers?” – Don’t get into a car driven by Prince Philip?

“Meghan Markle: Sister Samantha hits out at ‘NARCISSIST’ duchess – ‘She doesn’t care!'” – so why keep talking about?

And news that Meghan is “nothing like Princess Diana” – well, there’s no extra-martial sex to repot on and she alive (see car advice).

“Will Meghan and Harry name their baby after THIS Queen?” – Arise Princess Freddie Mercury.

“Meghan Markle must learn THIS marriage trick from Kate Middleton’s royal success” – Tell the butler to double the order on stun guns.

More to follow. Much, much more…

Posted: 11th, February 2019 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Prince Philip: look who Freaky Phil could have killed

prince Philip accident car

The Sun has an “exclusive” on Prince’s Philip’s car accident in which one woman travelling in the other vehicle sustained a broken wrist. It’s an exclusive based on the opinions of one Graham Oakley.

Oakley might be the person behind the company Graham Oakley – Crash Detective Ltd, which you can access via something called The Federation of Forensic & Expert Witnesses

The Sun mentions neither company but does tell us Mr Oakley is a “retired cop”. He tells us that had the accident occurred differently then someone could have died. “It don’t beat thinking about,” he adds. Only it does because the Sun mocks up what “could” have happened. “A split second later and there would have been a tragedy,” the Sun states.

prince Philip accident car
Not ‘Phil the Greek’

The paper then adds a look-alike image of the Prince and a figure in the 1493 Leonardo Da Vinci artwork A Man Tricked By Gypsies. This gives space for the pun “Phil The Freak”. The image, which featured in the Royal Collection, is described thus:

The man at the centre of this drawing is surrounded by a band of Gypsies in traditional dress. He raises his right arm to have his palm read by the old woman in traditional Gypsy dress on the right – unfortunately the sheet was cut at an early date and the palm-reading trimmed off. While the man is distracted, the grinning Gypsy on the left reaches under his sleeve to steal his purse. The two figures behind stare with hooded brow or laugh hysterically, adding to the sense of claustrophobic menace.

A Man tricked by Gypsies.

Just wait til Phil sells his story to the papers.

Posted: 1st, February 2019 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Class War: Royal family pheasant killer ‘attacked’ local ‘peasant’

sun pheasant peasant

The Sun leads with Patrick Panks, 43, who claims he was hit in the head and called a “peasant” by a gamekeeper on the Royal Family’s Sandringham estate. Mr Panks say a shoot was blocking the road. He complained (‘I say my good man, I’m in terrible dash. Will you be long?’, or words to the that effect). Mr Panks says the gamekeeper then hit him “several times”, causing lacerations to his head. Nasty stuff. But it’s only front-page news because Sandringham is newsworthy. We’re told the alleged incident occurred two days after Prince Philip’s prang, aka the “horror smash“. So there are two more pages of the plebs verses the ruling class.

Over pages 4 and 5, we hear the gamekeeper allegedly bellow: “Mind my dogs you fucking peasant.” The man then allegedly attacked Mr Panks, who responded: “I kept saying, ‘There’s no need for this.'” Mr Panks says the incident was an episode of “disgusting snobbery”. He was caught in the crosshairs of what he terms an “us and them culture”. Then the Sun’s bomb: “Prince Andrew is said to have been shooting on the day of the bust-up.”

The Royal Family aren’t all commemorative china cups, thimbles and faces on stamps. They’re a clique of guns, dead animals, lots of land, mastery of the handshake and more guns. It’s only in death that we get too glimpse the real them, and then only after the official biographies have doused the corpse’s remains in a gossamer weave of heroic deeds, terrific fashion nouse and hearts bursting with a purity of spirt that reaches the divine. So was it feckless Andy wielding the stick? Unlikely. The effort involved alone would rule him out. What about Phil? The Suns says he was “once the Royal Family’s keenest shot. But he is now only an observer during shoots.” He might not spot a nippy hatchback – but never misses a game bird.

Posted: 22nd, January 2019 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Emma Fairweather and me: Her Majesty The Queen extends ‘warmest thoughts’ at arms length to car crash victim

Emma Fairweather prince car

The Daily Mirror’s interview with Emma Fairweather, the woman injured in a collision with a car driven by Prince Philip, continues to make front-page headlines. Much to the tabloids’ disappointment, Fairweather doesn’t resemble Princess Diana in any way, other than her being female and a single mum. No word, then, from Mohamed Al-Fayed, just the relayed news that Her Majesty the Queen has sent “a message of concern” to 46-year-old Emma. The Duke of Edinburgh has not made contact, the paper says.

How nice and proper of the Queen to apologise for her husband’s prang. She always says the right thing, although most people come away from meeting with her unable to recall a word she uttered. She is the master of saying nothing. So what did she say this time? Nothing. The Mirror tells us: “The Queen has sent her warmest good wishes to Emma Fairweather, who broke her wrist in the collision, via her trusted lady-in-waiting.”

To rephrase: Queen details flunky to apologise. How touching. How very normal and in touch with the common folk. So much for the collision now billed as “Prince Philip’s horror car smash”. And so much for Republicanism. We live in an age where the monarchy is accepted without question. Just cop a load of this utter tosh in the Mirror. Miss Mary Morrison, 81, the aforesaid lady-in-waiting “left her a voicemail message”. Yeah. She didn’t even call back when Emma was free. The message trills: “Hello, I’m ringing from Sandringham House. The Queen has asked me to telephone you to pass on her warmest good wishes following the accident and Her Majesty is very eager to know how you are and hope that everything is going as well as can be expected.”

Eager enough to pop over or leave contact details for Emma to reply at her own convenience. The message continues: “We’re all thinking of you very much at Sandringham and I’ll try you at a later date. Unfortunately I’ve got to go out quite shortly but I hope all is well as can be expected for you. Thank you very much indeed. Goodbye.”

Lest you think that such aloofness exacerbates the matter, a “senior palace source” arrives to opine: “It is of huge significance the Queen chose Mary Morrison to make the contact. Mary is a close friend of the Queen and Her Majesty values her counsel immensely.”

So there you have it. Next time you’re in a car accident, don’t bother leaving your details in person or exchanging insurance details. Just get one of your spouse’s chums, preferably one on the payroll and well-rewarded for her servitude, to speak on your behalf.

Such fun!

Posted: 21st, January 2019 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family | Comment


Prince Philip and me: what Duke did and didn’t say to car crash victim

Prince Philip car crash victim

Prince Philip should travel by horse and buggy, or make better use of the family’s gold coach. But he’s sticking with the 4×4, picking one for a jaunt days after being involved in an accident near his Sandringham home. The “victim” of the accident is “single mother” and “royal fan” Emma Fairweather. She’s speaking in public for the first time about her ordeal. And thanks to the People, Express and Mirror sharing one owner, all three Sunday tabloids lead with her words.

“I still haven’t had any contact from the Royal household. Maybe he should prioritise that over test driving his new car,” says Emma. She feels “ignored and rejected” by the duke and the Queen after Thursday’s smash. Is Emma our Deuce of Hearts, suffering, as the Princess of Hearts did after a run-in with the Royals? The Windsors have a chequered history when it comes to cars and crashes. The Express, which has long been at the forefront of Royal car crash reporting, picks a side:

Emma will spend her 46th birthday today on painkillers with her arm in a cast after being left with a broken wrist when the Duke’s 4×4 ploughed into the Kia that Emma, her 28-year-old friend and her friend’s baby were travelling in, flipping his car just outside the Sandringham estate on Thursday afternoon.

Daily Express diana

Having heard a “friend” say someone could have died, Emma adds: “I feel like the impact of what has happened has been minimised because my injuries aren’t as minor as they are being made out to be.” Where there’s blame, there’s a claim. “She claims she was urged by a police officer not to speak publicly about the crash.” Consider that urge ignored.

Emma continues: “I was advised not to speak to anyone and told to expect a call from the Palace yesterday. I know the Queen is a busy lady but I was really excited at the idea she might phone me. Instead, I got a call from a police family liaison officer. The message he passed on didn’t even make sense. He said, ‘The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh would like to be remembered to you.”

What a wonderfully snotty and arcane phrase. But at 97, the Prince’s time is valuable. How much he has left is measured in weeks and maybe months. He’s no time to waste on platitudes. Speak to the insurers. Although we were robbed, of course, of what could well have been a memorable exchange. The Prince is synonymous with “gaffes”, which nearly always are just his attempt to lighten the mood and put his audience at ease. What price the Prince saying, “I’ve not had an accident since Paris”, “Women drivers!” or “I thought you were a pheasant”?

Posted: 20th, January 2019 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family | Comment


Meghan Markle’s risky sister Samantha prepares to tell nothing in a new book

samantha markle

Samantha Markle not embarrassed by family links to Prince Andrew

 

No-one sane cares if Princess Meghan is black or mixed-race. What we appreciate far more than skin tones is a family rift and gossip. Meghan’s half-sister Samantha Markle has been making extempore efforts at reconciliation. She promises much but can she deliver?

She’s putting in the hard yards. Samantha has issued a Christmas message of peace. She rocked up at Kensington Palace uninvited and unwelcome. Reportedly, this has earned her a spot on the Palace’s “fixated persons list”. Compiled  by the police royalty and specialist protection unit, the list reportedly flags Samantha as someone capable of causing  “reputational risk” to the royal family. What, riskier than Prince Andrew and his dalliances with known paedophiles and Prince Charles’ dreams of being his mistress’s tampon

Samantha, 53, is rumoured to be working on a book  – working title:  In the Shadows of the Duchess; previously: The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister. Here’s hoping for a story to make Sarah Ferguson’s Budgie the Helicopter blush. 

Scotland Yard’s Fixated Threat Assessment Centre (FTAC) defines fixated people as “those who have an obsessional preoccupation (often delusional) with a person or a perceived grievance, which they pursue to an irrational degree”.

A Scotland Yard source tells the Sunday Times: “You can’t protect someone like the Duchess of Sussex without knowing the background of her family. But someone like Samantha presents a risk rather than a threat. She is not committing criminal offences, but she is causing concerns for the royal family.”

Says Samantha Markle: “I would only say that is ludicrous. I’m not a reputational risk.” Of course, it depends what your reputation is?

Prince Andrew is away.

Posted: 30th, December 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family | Comment


Prince Charles dead secret daughter meets Meghan Markle

princess-diana-daughter

 

Know this: Prince Harry’s wife “Meghan Meets Diana’s Secret Daughter!”. This exclusive is brought to you by Globe. Th daughter is Princess Sarah. She was allegedly “conceived in a bizarre fertility test before Prince Charles and Diana wed”. She met Meghan on Mrs Harry’s trip to New Zealand. And that’s huge news for many reasons. 

 

prince charles love child

“FOUND! CHARLES 4 SECRT LOVE CHILDREN!”

 

We’ve been here before, of course. In September 2016, Globe told us Charles has now fewer than “four! secret love children”. They had been “Found!”. So big was this news Globe was tempted to punctuate each word with an exclamation mark. 

We read that Princess Sarah was living in New England, USA. Her “surrogate” mother was “secretly” impregnated by her doctor husband who’d stolen a royal embryo produced by Charles and Diana on the orders of his mum, Her Maj. Sarah discovered the ‘”truth” because everyone told her she was a “dead ringer” for Princess Diana. 

 

princess-diana-daughter

 

But Sarah’s parents and Diana are all dead. And Sarah is also dead. In June 2016, Globe told us: “Prince Charles Murdered Princess Diana’s Secret Daughter!” He did it, allegedly, on May 15. 

So who can we ask to corroborate the story? Meghan? More to follow as Princess Sarah communicates from beyond! the! grave!

Posted: 22nd, November 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Queen eats bananas like a princess

Queen monkey bananas

A young Prince Edward is potty trained

 

What do you want: Brexit, Brexit, Brexit and Brexit or “Her Majesty’s bizarre way of eating bananas”? ‘Nanas it is. As the rest of the tabloids were distracted by Brexit news, the Star delivers the real front-page story: “The Queen eats bananas with a fork to avoid chomping ‘like a monkey’.”  Yeah, just a fork, which runs the very real risk of her being mistaken for an American.

 

The news is revealed by Darren McGrady, her former chef, in a new book. If you want to eat a banana like the Queen, here’s how.

  1. Send staff to buy banana – you can now get them from shops in the UK, so no need for an official trip to The Gambia
  2. Send staff to fetch plate, knife, fork
  3. Wait for staff to place banana on plate
  4. Remove top and bottom of banana with knife (fifth knife from right)
  5. Slice skin away lengthways
  6. Dice into small pieces
  7. Eat with fork

Next week: My Life as a Chimpanzee, by Prince Edward. 

Posted: 15th, November 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Princess Margaret’s absurd morning rituals were ‘such fun’

princess margaret daily routine

 

In 1955, Princess Margaret shared with the world her morning routine. The Queen’s chain-smoking sister’s regimented daily habits, with her “punishing schedule of drinking and smoking”, were revealed in Ma’am Darling by the satirist Craig Brown. “For a while,” writes Brown, Princess Margaret “glued matchboxes to tumblers so that she could strike matches while drinking, but it was a craze that never caught on.’ But worse than her fabled rudeness – an “unstoppable urge to say the first thing that came into her head, just so long as it was sufficiently unpleasant” – and vapid weltschmerz of her rank in life, were the sycophants. As Brown notes:

Receiving a prize from the young Princess Margaret in 1958, the 52-year-old John Betjeman was so overwhelmed by her curvaceous presence that tears came into his eyes, a reaction duly noted by his waspish friend, Maurice Bowra, the chairman of the judges, who lampooned it in a parodic verse:

“Green with lust and sick with shyness
Let me lick your lacquered toes.
Gosh, O gosh, your Royal Highness
Put your finger up my nose …”

Mingling with the obsequious is wonderful, but the morning’s were peak princess:

 

 

They really are not like the rest of us. As JG Ballard noted in Princess Margaret’s Facelift: “Somewhere in this paradoxical space our imaginations are free to range, and we find ourselves experimenting like impresarios with all the possibilities that these magnified figures seem to offer us.” As Mags would say through a tight mouth, her sarcastic eyes a small sign of life amongst the panto Munsters, “Such fun!”

Posted: 15th, October 2018 | In: Books, Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment


Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank order the drinks and leave us with the bill

brooksbank eugenie tequila

 

Jack Brooksbank has ordered the drinks for his wedding to Princess Eugenie but – dang! – he’s left us with the bill. Get a load of the press release and the official drinks:

 

Ladydees and gentallmen, please raise you glasses and charge your official branded Cosa-minga cocktails to the British public. Huzzah!

Posted: 12th, October 2018 | In: Royal Family, The Consumer | Comment


Doors to manual: Meghan Markle shuts that door

Today the Duchess of Sussex closed a car door. Arriving at the Royal Academy of Arts in a chauffeur driven luxury motor, Meghan Markle (Tabloid Rule 11: all Royals keep their maiden names – see Middleton, Kate) stepped out of her car – having had the door opened for her. She then shut it behind her.
 


 

A debate rages?

Is it harder to open the door than shut it? Shutting a door, aka slamming a door, is so simple millions of teenagers do it on a daily basis. Larry Grayson understood its familiarity and made it his catchphrase:

 

 

Opening a door requires knowledge and risk: push or pull? Knock first and enter; knock and wait to be invited in; or just open and walk in? Should you rely on “magic”, as in this clip?

 

 

Shutting the door is what you do on the way out; it’s rarely if ever done on the way in. And are the Middletons hands all over this, it being known that former airline hostess Carole Middleton was greeted with the phrase “doors to manual” by admiring Palace staffers and some of Prince’s Williams’ doorphobic “circle”?

“Etiquette expert” William Hanson explains all in the BBC:

“Usually, if you are a member of the royal family or a dignitary, you have a member of staff to open and close a car door for you.”

Job creation in action, right?

“Now that Meghan is a member of the royal family, there’s no more selfies, no more autographs, she can’t vote and all public social media has to be deleted.”

The door it is, then. You’ve got to keep busy any way you can…

Posted: 26th, September 2018 | In: Key Posts, Royal Family | Comment


The plot to kill Prince George

The National Enquirer’s “world exclusive” is unequivocal: “ISIS Kill Plot Foiled! Sniper Caught Stalking Prince George!” An ISIS sniper in London got that close to the heir? How close? Well, there’s photographic proof. “This chilling image shows the heart-stopping moment that little Prince George cheated death!” thunders the magazine of record. A figure at a window “appears to be holding a rifle and looking down at the two royals.”  The caption chills: “Under the gun!”

 

national enquirer prince george kidnap

 

Well spotted, NE, because to the rest of us the gun looks uncannily like a camera. The ISIS sniper is also disguised. The bearded, gurning loon looks like a bloke with what might be a smartphone. He’s having a gander at George as the lad is trotted off to school surrounded by men with gun that look like guns.

It’s another lucky escape or G. It was only last October that the NE uncovered a plot to kidnap him. Terrorists were going to snatch Prince George and demand a $50million ransom to his safe return. “This is as real as it gets!” a Royal “insider: told the Enquirer. “It could have been the biggest disaster in the history of the monarchy. For Prince William and his wife, it must be a living hell!”

 

prince george isis

ISIs

 

A bigger disaster than Prince Edward’s Royal It’s A Knockout, Princess Diana dying in Paris tunnel, the English Civil War, King Edward VIII being a Nazi, King Harold being shot in the eye, the pathetic sight of King Canute trying to hold back the waves,  Sarah ‘Fergie’ Ferguson? This:

This?

national enquirer apoogy dodi diana sex

 

“According to the information, which is being kept from the public, a small terrorist cell spent weeks hatching a plan to snatch George, either at school or on the 3.5-mile car ride to or from his family’s home in Kensington Palace,” says the source, publicly.

Of course, the NE knows that something might happen. The fantasy needs a kernel of fact to keep the readers reading. After all, Princess Anne was almost kidnapped. In May 2018 an Islamic State supporter named Husnain Rashid, of Nelson, Lancashire, wanted young George to be targeted. He posted a photo of George’s school superimposed with silhouettes of two masked jihadist fighters. He wrote:  “Even the royal family will not be left alone. School starts early.” He also mused on poisoning fruit, vegetables and ice-cream in stores.

Rashid got no closer to George than a post on social media. When police arrested him, the jihadist pretended to faint. He lived with his mum and dad. He was 32.

But it could happen, and should it let now-one say the NE never warned you…

Posted: 28th, June 2018 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer, Royal Family | Comment


Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson reunited in Mirror and Mail cut and paste disaster

The Mirror is promoting an auction of photographs by “royal snapper” John Scott, who died in 1986. The paper omits to mention where the auction is talking place – you can buy them at Cornwall auctioneer David Lay. But it does lead with a group phots that features “Fergie met Andy…possibly for the first time”. The Mail says is “the moment a young Fergie fixed eyes on Andrew”. No it isn’t. Not unless Sarah Ferguson, for it is she, was boss-eyed.

The paper trills: “A smiling Sarah Ferguson is clearly impressed by Prince Andrew as she claps eyes on him for the first time  in the early 1970s.” Ferguson is described as being “very young” at the time. It was the summer of 1970. Fergie and Andrew was 10 – although the Mirror and Mail say they were “about 12”. The Mail also says they are both 10.

The Mail is clueless:

fergie andy

 

sarah ferguson andrew first meeting

 

sarah ferguson andrew first meeting

 

Having told readers this was not the first time Sarah met Andy, the Mail wonders, er, if it was:

 

sarah ferguson andrew first meeting a

Daily Mail: question asked; question answered

 

The tin lid on the utter balls is when you realise that she isn’t looking at Andrew – who isn’t looking at her –  but towards Lady Sarah Armstrong-Jones.

The Mirror: the peril of copying a Press Release

 

Such are the facts.

Posted: 6th, June 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Princess Diana’s ghost has Harry and Meghan’s lives all planned out

Right it is that we finally get to hear from Princess Diana. For some months we’ve been told by experts that Diana “would have” been delighted with Harry for marrying Meghan Markle. “Diana wold have loved Meghan,” says former Royal Butler Paul Burell in the Chester Chronicle. “Princess Diana would have loved Meghan Markle,” says Naomi Capbell on the BBC’s website. “Why Diana would have been so proud of her youngest son today,” says a Telegraph writer. Princess Diana “would have been in tears” at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding, says Andrew Morton. “Princess Diana would have wept with pride,” says Arthur Edward, Sun photographer. And the pick of the bunch: “Princess Diana would have helped Meghan avoid scandal, says former aide.”

But now “Princess Diana has spoken from beyond the grave to reveal newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will have at least two children.” No recording of the address, sadly. Testimony is provided by “The Psychic Twins” who have “revealed to Daily Star Online the ‘People’s Princess’ has told them her son and new daughter-in-law will have their first child in 2019.”

This is a “stunning revelation” channelled from Terry and Linda Jamison, “dubbed ‘Nostradamus in Stilettos'”. Can they be trusted? YES! As if Diana would pick a fool to broadcast her message. You want proof? Here goes:

They told us that Diana would attend the Windsor Castle wedding and appear as a butterfly, then during the ceremony a fly was captured on video hitting Meghan’s face.

If you mumble ‘butter’, ‘butterfly’ can sound a lot like ‘fly’. And, sure, whilst colourful butterflies are known to hang around with flowers and sip flower nectar, and flies are more associated with imbibing liquified turds and disease, one can easily be mistaken for the other – especially if you pull their wings off. Anyhow, Diana told the twins: “I feel there may be a pregnancy fairly soon, before the year 2020, and both of them will be wonderful parents. Meghan will be a wonderful mother… another child may follow in a few years. I see at least one girl for them.”

And: “Their children will be very close with Will and Kate’s children, and I see them doing many play dates and activities together.”

Previously:

 

diana kate ghost diana princes kate

 

It’s what Diana ‘would have’ wanted.

Posted: 27th, May 2018 | In: News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Harry and Meghan and the modern myth of inclusivity

David Starkey is here to tell Sun readers that when Meghan Markle married Prince Harry the Royal Family modernised. Starkey tells us, and “it’s worth repeating”, that Megan is “mixed-race, American, of uncertain religion, an actress, divorced and with a sexual history”. She’s nothing like Kate Middleton, then, you know, and it’s barely worth repeating, who is a mixed-race Commoner, of uncertain religion, a part-time shop worker and with a sexual history”. Good wedding. Lovely do. But it wasn’t all that new and it wasn’t all that modern.

Undaunted by the repetition of past marriages that also spoke volumes about how modern the Family born to rule had become (yes, and to stop one of us uppity plebs having too much power) Starkey says that any “one” of the attributes on Meghan’s checklist “would have rendered her deeply doubtful as a royal bride”.

Jessica Bouton tells Mirror readers is was very… Well, see if you can guess: “Meghan’s gown was…a modern look for a modern duchess. And her story is a modern Cinderella.” Yeah. Modern. It was a “magical modern wedding,” says the Mail.

The Telegraph says the wedding was “modern”, and in it Britain “sees a mirror image of our times”. And you thought the royals’ job was to transcend the times, to add a divine-given thread of continuity beyond the grasp of prevailing trends, mores, lusts, thrusts and fashions. When did the royals get to be inclusive? When did we raise expectations of their capacity to do anything other than shoot, breed and ride?  If they are just as meaningless as the rest of us, do we all get a go at being one? If they’re just like us, what’s the point of them?

Posted: 21st, May 2018 | In: News, Royal Family | Comment


Meghan’s spare wedding dress cost £100,000 (or not)

Thomas who? Thomas Markle… Anyone? Having rolled over Megan Markle’s father, the news cycle gets to focus on the honeymoon and the dress. Not that the new Duchess of Sussex’s dress was a surprise to Daily Mail readers who on April 4 got a sneak peak of her walk-on look. Rebecca English told us:

EXCLUSIVE: Meghan’s £100,000 wedding dress revealed: Royal bride will wear hand-stitched, beaded design made by British couturiers Ralph & Russo (and paid for by Prince Harry’s family)

 

daily mail meghan dress

 

The price then doubled. And the designer changed their name. Although no longer an “exclusive”, the story remained a revelation: “Givenchy’s Clare Waight Keller has been revealed as Meghan’s wedding dress designer.” There had been lots of “speculation” –  surely “exclusives”? – with with “Ralph & Russo hotly tipped”:

 

 

meghan dress daily mail

 

 

But if it’s guff you’re after, step forward and take long obsequious bow, Robin Givhan, who writes in the Washington Post:

…what was most noticeable were all the things that the dress was not. It was not a Hollywood red-carpet statement. It was not a Disney-princess fantasy. It was not a mountain of camouflaging tulle and chiffon.

The dress, designed by Clare Waight Keller, was free of extravagant embellishments. It was not covered in yards of delicate lace. It did not have a single ruffle — no pearls or crystals. Its beauty was in its architectural lines and its confident restraint. It was a romantic dress, but one that suggested a clear-eyed understanding that a real-life romance is not the stuff of fairy tales. The dress was a backdrop; it was in service to the woman.

Weekend in Blackpool, right?

Posted: 19th, May 2018 | In: Fashion, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Prince Harry to Meghan: ‘I’m shitting it’

To the Royal wedding, then, as Prince Harry meets Meghan Markle at the Church. What did he say to her? Well, its looks lot like, “Im shitting it.”

 


 

‘Do you promise… to honour… and forsake all others…” Camera did not pan to Prince Charles and Camilla…

Posted: 19th, May 2018 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Meghan Markle: darts walk-on girls and The Naked Rambler should get the nod

As Meghan Markle straps an inflatable bellend to her neck and brandishes Harry’s loyalty card for for the mother of all hen nights at SophistiCats night club, the papers all lead with the “sad” announcement that her dad, the much-maligned Thomas Markle, will no be walking her down the aisle. Who will is the matter of heated debate, the smart money being on the her mother, darts walk-on girls, Naomi Campbell, the Naked Rambler and Ian Botham, should he be seeking a new sponsorship role: it’s £1000-a-yard for charity. (TV executives, call me I have ideas – Sue Perkins presents The Hard Yards, a pro-celebrity walk down the aisle.)

 

the sun markle harry sex

The Sun plan for the next generation

 

Anyhow, California-gal Meghan stuffed in a plum and issued a statement via the Kensington palace twitter feed: “Sadly my father will not be attending our wedding. I have always cared for my father and hope he can be given the space he needs to focus on his health.” Shades of Adrian Mole’s mother saying she’s “fond” of him. Harry has never met Thomas. But “nothing’s going to spoil our big day,” thunders the Daily Mail’s lead headline – although you’d imagine a few of the paper’s hacks will give it a whirl.

In the Sun there’s lots of gush about Meghan being a “silver-lining girl”as the paper joins “fans” sleeping on the streets of Windsor. Best not get there too early, mind, lest the police give you a kick and move you on. The homeless and rough sleepers have been swept from the town’s streets. “Crazy Corner” looks like the “Calais Jungle”, says the Sun’s man on patio furniture. But there’s no Lily Allen, just people like Skye London  – “People call us mad. Well, we are mad but we always gets the best seats” –  and Terry Hunt – “I’ve been doing this since I was four. I’m at every wedding and outside the hospital at every birth.”

Posted: 18th, May 2018 | In: News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Thomas Markle declared clinically sane

Thomas Markle will not be at this daughter Meghan Markle’s wedding to Harry Windsor. The groom’s family is hosting the do, which means Thomas Markle flying from his home in Mexico to London, meeting myriads of strangers, being shackled and shaped by their huge teams of minted PRs, obsequious lackeys and armed goons, and welcomed warmly into the bosom of what absurdly passes for a modern twist on monarchy. All tabloids lead with the news. But none of them know for certain. He might come. He might not.

In this age of fluid gender roles, it’s a gentleman’s prerogative to arrive at the wedding. We used to like the story of the groom being jilted at the alter, now we’re wondering if a 73-year-old bloke can be arsed to go though all that guff to see his daughter married for the second time.

 

Thomas Markle

Get Thomas!

 

The Mail, which “exposed” “fake” photos of Thomas being boring as he looked at screengrabs of his daughter and her Chinger prince, tried on a suit and rode a cheap exercise bike, now invites Richard Kay to says the “world” feels “nothing but sympathy” for a man possessed of a “quiet dignity”. But he is “humiliated” by his “reckless agreement” to broadcast and allegedly flog photos of himself to the Press rather than lettering the Mail broadcast and flog photos of him without his permission. It is “regrettable and sad” that this “basically honourable man” will be absent from Meg’s big day. The Sun calls it a “bombshell”.

The Express says Thomas doesn’t want to “embarrass the Royal Family”, something you’d think impossible to do, given that the clan of feckless ninnies ride around in gold coaches, suck toes, cheat on their spouses, hang out with paedos (allegedly), dress up as Nazis (both real and for larks) and gave us this:

 

 

The Star and Mirror, however, wonder if Thomas has suffered a heart attack. The Mirror also says Thomas “claims” he has “been harassed by snappers”. Or as the Sun notes: “He was pictured driving away from his home last Wednesday and staying the night at a motel in San Diego after crossing the US border. The next day… he lifted two heavy pots of flowering plants on Doria’s [Meghan’s mother] doorstep in Los Angeles with a card. He was then seen driving around LA, visiting the post office, pharmacy and bank before heading bak to Mexico that evening.”

Who’d envy that?

Posted: 15th, May 2018 | In: News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


The Prince Harry swimsuit features a Ginger Chinge

It’s the mankini for women – and Stage dos. The Prince Harry swimsuit features a Chinge – a Ginger Chinge, naturally.

 

 

 
prince harry swimsuit minge fail

Posted: 15th, May 2018 | In: Royal Family, The Consumer | Comment


Thomas Markle should profit from Meghan’s wedding like the Royals do

The Daily Mirror picks up the story which first appeared in the Mail on Sunday – the one about Thomas Markle allegedly earning a few quid by posing for photos which can be sold to the Press. Thomas is, of course, Meghan Markle’s father, and when he’s not being door-stepped by Mirror reporters, he’s getting on with his own life. But his alleged staging of a set of photos with British photographers has upset the tabloids, who presumably wanted their men in the bushes to shoot pics of Thomas being a “virtual recluse” for less and syndicate them for more, packaging the album as “The Royals DO Deserve Privacy”, “Has Meghan Inherited Her Dad’s Fat Genes?” and “How Did Thomas Markle Afford A Five-Star Holiday To Thailand?”

 

thomas markle photos newspapers

 

The paper quotes the father-of-the-bride’s son, also called Thomas, who apparently said: “He’ll apologise sincerely to Meg.” Why? The Royal Family are often caught guffing out photos of their lives and their children, including ones taken by Kate. The no-expense spared PR drive that frames Harry, Kate and Wills as a trio of caring, down-with-the-proles workaholics is not just about us loving absurdly entitled, wildlife slaughtering billionaires when they’re between private islands and ski lifts, but the Royals being able to carry on after Her Majesty waves her last and we’re invited to defy gut feelings and nature by looking up at Prince Charles and Camilla. Princess Diana left such a stain on The Munsters that our view is being directed over the crowns of the two people that cheated and lied to the Windsors’ brood mare, falling instead on her children and Kate.

 

thomas markle photos newspapers

 

The Standard updates the story by leading with news that Markle’s half-sister is to “blame” for Thomas’s “fake pictures”. “The bad press over my father doing staged photos is my fault,” says Samantha Grant – who is not invited to the wedding. No. It isn’t. The bad press is over the scurry for post-wedding stories, when the Markles become old hat and we crave scandal and division over “love at first sight” tedium and a marriage”destined” ever since Meghan tried on a Disney Princess outfit when she was five and Charles fancied the Three Degrees. Although the Standard does deliver a two-page feature on the “unlikely love story” of an “ambitious girl from LA” and – get this – “the rebel prince”. Oh, do the other one. The only rebel Prince in recent memory was Edward VIII, formerly a Prince of Wales, who rather than merely pratting around dressed as a recreational Nazi, wore the authentic garb and politics of the Herrenvolk; and married a woman with two living ex-husbands who referred to staff as “lazy, thriving niggers”; and advised Britishers to survive the war on roasted terrapin. Harry’s less rebellious than a weather cock.

 

thomas markle photos newspapers

 

And, reportedly, Grant is here to help stir the pot. She’s rumoured to be penning a rift ‘n’ tell called The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister. “The media can be so cruel,” Grant is quoted by the Daily Star. But at £15 a pop with serialisation rights, a book packs a bigger whack.

 

thomas markle photos newspapers

 

Note: The Daily Mail vowed on 8 September 1997, eight days after the death of Princess Diana:

Mail leads the way in banning paparazzi pictures.

The proprietor of the Daily Mail, Mail on Sunday and Evening Standard announced last night that his papers will not in future purchase pictures taken by paparazzi Viscount Rothermere, chairman of the Daily Mail and General Trust plc said: ‘I am, and always have been, an admirer of Diana, Princess of Wales, and nagged my editors to protect her so far as they could against her powerful enemies. In view of Earl Spencer’s strong words and my own sense of outrage, I have instructed my editors no ‘paparazzi’ pictures are to be purchased without my knowledge and consent.’

Such are the facts.

Posted: 14th, May 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Prince Harry can’t recall meeting Meghan’s dad Thomas in Toronto?

Time to catch up with Thomas Markle, Meghan Markle’s dad. The Mail says the “virtual recluse” has still to meet Prince Harry. In the build up to the wedding, the Queen will be hosting a do at which Thomas will meet Her Maj and the rest of The Munsters. “Remarkably,” says the Mail, “it will be the first time that Prince Harry will meet his fiancee’s father.”

Aside from Thomas Markle being anything but a recluse, the Mail might care to note on January 4th 2017 we read that Thomas and Harry met in Toronto a while back. And where did we read that news? In the Mail:

 

thomas markle daily mail

 

Such are the facts.

Posted: 7th, May 2018 | In: News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment


Prince Crystal Palace: Kate Middleton makes Prince Harry even less employable

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, has had her third child. It’s a… stinking rich kid born into hereditary privilege that mocks our democracy / man of the people with the common touch. Young Prince Palace was born on the Lindon Wing at St Mary’s, Paddington. It might be the cheapest place he ever stays. Reactions to the birth have been forthcoming and fluid. No word from the PR-reared Prince Harry yet, who is now shunted one leg further down the ladder away from getting an actual job. Prince Andrew, Prince Edward – as you were.

The Indy’s clickbait factory goes with both sides of the story – having its cake and eating it; which though a very royal dish is very crap journalism:

 

 

The Royal Family’s fans were out in force:

 

 

Has the young sir a name?

 

 

 

Posted: 23rd, April 2018 | In: News, Royal Family | Comment


Queen did not shoot her seven dead swans for sport

Because every cause needs a celebrity (and every celebrity needs a cause – ed), the Sun brings news that seven of Her Majesty’s swans are feared killed by bird flu. Until now we’d no face to put alongside the illness. Finding birds to front a campaign to combat bird flu and raise awareness was hampered by the lack of famous birds. Orville, Emu and Bernie Clifton’s ostrich are either resting or no longer seen as big hitters. And Alan Partridge is a work of fiction. But we’ve now got the Queen’s birds, albeit seven dead ones, to shock us into action.

“Everyone fears the worst,” says a swan watcher, words which could pretty much be used whenever fear stalks. It’s hard to fear the best. But “the Queen is upset” and this is no time for nitpicking, nor wondering how swans are mourned but not pheasants, which the Queen has been known to kill with her bare hands when shooting them in the face proves insufficient sport. ” She is an animal lover,” says  a source, and not only because she loves eating and killing them for larks, “and if they have bird flu, it’s horrible.”

The only damper on all this is that the Sun says the Queen’s swans are “mute swans”. So it looks like avian flu must look further afield for a spokesperson…

Posted: 5th, February 2018 | In: News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment