A Great Year?

‘IT has been a great year for British sport – or at least that’s what they told us last night prior to announcing the BBC Sports Personality Of The Year.

Wilkinson prepares to kick

But when two of the five …

Hard Time

‘IN Soccer’s Hard Men, Vinnie Jones was the eponymous hard man.

”Is that a weapon I see before me?”

In Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Vinnie was a hard man. In Mean Machine, Vinnie Jones once more adopted the …

Edinburgh’s Rock

‘WHEN you peer though the phalanx of minders around Prince William, you soon realise that “he’s only human”.

William is no small geyser

The robotic eyes and ears are a myth born of jealousy and made up to hurt.

The …

Most Wanted

‘“ALL I want for Christmas are my two front teeth…”

”I hope the elves are alright”

Ah, the simple innocence of youthful desire. Time has moved on from such humble wishes and now, as junior wanders wide-eyed through Santa’s megastore, …

No Lee Way

‘THERE were three shepherds, three wise men, Baby Jesus (of course), the Virgin Mary, Joseph, an innkeeper and his wife and a couple of angels and archangels.

”And who let Jews in?”

But nowhere in the nativity play is there …

Say Hello, Wave Dubai

‘A FEW years ago, Middlesbrough mayor Ray “Robocop” Mallon might have visited Saddam Hussein’s Iraq to pick up a few ideas on zero tolerance policing.

The proposed new sands at Redcar

But, with Saddam gone, Mallon has gone instead to …

Saddam Busted

‘WE’VE been here before. Only a couple of months ago, Scotland Yard’s finest were supposed to have tracked down Lord Lucan, only to discover that the man in question was a heavy drinking Lancashire folk singer by the name of …

A Badly Made Bedsit

‘BY now, tens of you are glued to the goings on in Bedsitcom.The experimental TV show is sharpening the cutting edges of the leading edges. Its edginess and sexiness are breaking down walls and asking questions of a moribund TV …

Nice Drop Of Riechsling

‘ALESSANDRO Lunardelli is an Italian wine producer with a mission. He wants us to appreciate, as he does, the subtle delights and fresh bouquets of his Hitler wine.

His cause has been helped by Belgium and Germany trying to ban …

Needs Locking Up

‘IT’S Christmas time. So, obviously in Eastenders it’s time for another horrific rape storyline. And for good measure, the producers thought it would be a jolly jape for the victim to be Little Mo again and – here’s the killer: …

Our Survey Says…

‘HAVING convinced themselves of the success of Great Britons, the programme in which different public figures argued the merits of various dead white men’s claim to the title of the Greatest Briton, the BBC is looking to extend the idea …

Crime & No Punishment

‘FORMER England cricket captain Nasser Hussain yesterday escaped a Test match ban after allegedly calling Sri Lankan spinner Muttiah Muralitharan “a fucking cheat” and “a fucking chucker”.

The new Mike Gatting

Match referee Clive Lloyd gave Hussain the reprieve because …

The Brain Drain

‘THE original Brain Drain saw dozens of scientists and academics flee these shores for the New World, trading in the pittance they were paid here for the big bucks of the United States.

Basildon School of Nail Technology’s loss was

Messiah Complex

‘ONE woman who married a younger man is Victoria Beckham, who writhes around on the front page of the Sun in a futile bid to relaunch her pop career.

”Water into wine! Feed the five thousand! But I can’t make

Go Figure

‘NEWSPAPERS love figures. Not necessarily the curvy figures of “crackin’ college twins” Rebecca and Sarah Addison who adorn the front page of the Star, but figures as in numbers.

Demi and her Action Man

Curvy numbers like eight, but also …

We’re No Squares

‘HOW soon we forget! Just a few years back, we the people made our feelings heard and demanded that an effigy of Princess Diana Of The Immaculate Dress And Shoes be placed on the empty plinth at one corner of …

Peace In Our Time

‘THE thing with the US constitution is that the part about “We the people” is just about the best bit.

The Army

Lower down the order of things, around Article 29, the people are all given guns so that “we” …

Bill Of Frights

‘“WE the people,” begins the US constitution.

One too many Cooks

That simple opening line is one the leaders of the European Union’s 15 present and 10 future members should consider as they wade through the 300-page long draft EU …

Blessed Are The Thieves

‘A MAN who popped into a church in the Russian town of Nakhodka to get blessed for a safe journey home came out to find his £70,000 jeep had been stolen.

The man was so shocked when he left the …

Rearguard Gunners

‘IF sport is all about hitting your best form at the right time, then Arsenal epitomise the very best of it.

All Gunners blazing

Seemingly destined for an early Champions’ League bath a few weeks ago, the Gunners are now …

A Good Deed

‘WE’VE had the cops, the lawyers and in Quincy we even had an autopsy or two. And of course we’ve had villains by the ton.

Man behaving badly

And now we’ve got the judiciary in the shape of Judge John …

Porn Again Christian

‘IF only Songs Of Praise were as much fun. German priest Frithjof Schwesig has felt the wrath of his congregation after it emerged that a video he had sent out about God’s message at Christmas in fact contained hardcore porn. …

Bunker Busters

‘WE don’t imagine that one in five British soldiers will be getting lucky at their Christmas parties in Iraq this year – but they will be getting some festive cheer.

The Star’s elite Red Caps

And it comes courtesy of …

Office Party Politics

‘IT is, of course, the season to get jolly and get up to a bit of tra-la-la-la-la with that foxy chick in sales or that handsome hunk in accounts.

Anorak Xmas Party 2002

The Sun calculates that one in five …

Street Life

‘ANYONE who can make a woman of average looks, below average talent and with no discernible career into arguably the most recognisable face in Britain deserves our admiration.

Victoria Beckham relaxes at home

In fact, so impressed – if possibly …