Anorak News | Dear Christians: Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Complain About Noah

Dear Christians: Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Complain About Noah

by | 3rd, April 2014

Russell Crowe arriving for the premiere of the film Noah held at the Odeon Leicester Square, central London.

Russell Crowe arriving for the premiere of the film Noah held at the Odeon Leicester Square, central London.


THE new film about Noah, starring Russell Crowe, has been causing a lot of grief among certain religious types. Of course, most religious people have a faith strong enough to brush off some poxy film, but we’re looking at those shrieking mentals who can’t stay calm or, it seems, apply logic to a situation.

The film tells the famous story about Noah and his ark. God gets wrathful and sends a flood which is destined to wipe everything out. Destroying everything in a flood seems a bit snide, but as we all know, God is a vengeful so-and-so. And presumably, floating and water-breathing creatures weren’t at all bothered by this, to which we glean that God has no problem with ducks or fish. They’re the most saintly animals, obviously.

However, there’s a few Christians that are not at all happy with a Biblical tale being shown on the big screen. Instead of being happy that the word of God is being distributed worldwide, coupled with a very famous actor, they are furious.


“It’s always kind of silly that somebody puts their voice and opinion to something when they haven’t seen it, based on an assumption,” Crowe said in an interview with Access Hollywood. Crowe then went off to meet The Pope, which is something most Christians haven’t done.

Some countries are irritated that it is a film with a depiction of Noah at all. Censors in the UAE, Qatar and Bahrain have already banned the film because conservative Islam prohibits the representation of holy figures in art and entertainment. “There are scenes that contradict Islam and the Bible, so we decided not to show it,” Juma al-Leem, director of media content at UAE’s National Media Center, said.

In Indonesia, Joko Anwar said: “If there is a fear that the film will cause unrest and protest from some groups then the government should create a situation conducive to people growing up instead of always limiting them to a narrow-minded condition.”

Other people are not pleased about it because Noah is being used as an allegory for climate change. Of course, the humans that wrote the Bible may have been making the same point, but oddly, there are some Christians who don’t think we should protect God’s most wonderful creation. They think we should pour oil on it. Our pal Glenn Beck is livid about the whole thing, but then again, that man wakes up livid. He says: “If you’re looking for a biblical movie, this definitely is not it! I don’t think it’s an environmental thing as much as it’s just so pro-animal and anti-human, and I mean strongly anti-human!”

Of course, God was a bit ‘anti-human’ when he sent a flood to kill everyone. Then there’s the whole Killing 20 Million People In Genesis For Being Evil thing. Then he killed Onan because Onan rejected God’s order to have sex with his dead brother’s wife. An untold Israelites (some of them for simply eating quail). In Kings, God kills 42 youths who have been taking the piss out of someone for being bald. Oh. He killed his own son as well.

It is fair say God had his own ‘anti-human’ moments, so to berate a film for the same, seems pretty daft.

Christians on Fox News didn’t like the fact that no-one said the word “god” in the film, even though throughout, the cast say “the creator”, which is clearly a reference to God (unless Christians are implying that there’s another creator?).

Obviously, cries of ‘IT ISN’T REALISTIC!’ is going to be met with lazy hoots of derision from people who have discovered Richard Dawkins, but there is a salient point in there. The bit in the Bible about Noah is only 40 verses in length, meaning that you’d have a job spinning that into a cohesive movie.

However, the film is “inspired by the story of Noah… artistic licence has been taken” and the film adds: “The biblical story of Noah can be found in the book of Genesis,” just in case you weren’t sure.

The real thing to think about here is this: Should you, as a person of faith, get your nose put out of joint every time someone effectively disagrees with you? Noah is, inevitably, going to be an overwrought affair with a load of brooding rain clouds and baffling received pronunciation accents (which of course, no-one in the Bible did, but pretending the Bible was Shakespearean gives things a bit of weight, right?), based on a tale that even Christians themselves can’t agree about.

In short, it’s just some dumb film which will either bore or entertain non-believers and, more pertinently, never hope to come as close to the majesty of a believer’s personal faith.

Maybe you should rant about something more useful?

Posted: 3rd, April 2014 | In: Film, Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink