Anorak News | Thetans Attack: Tom Cruise To Play Scientologist In Star Wars

Thetans Attack: Tom Cruise To Play Scientologist In Star Wars

by | 23rd, June 2014

tom cruise star wars



THERE’S rumours floating around which suggest that Scientologist Tom Cruise is in talks to make a cameo appearance in JJ Abrams’ Star Wars: Epsiode VII movie.

Of course, this creates a flurry of amusing puns about Tom Cruise being a Scientologist and believing in aliens and following a religion founded by  man called L. Ron Hubbard (L. Ron Buddha?) starring in an intergalactic battle film, presumably because he thinks it is ALL REAL and… we’ll stop now. Some Scientologists just parked up outside the Anorak office and have started shouting at everyone.

Anyway, the perfectly ordinary Tom Cruise who is only famous for acting has been in London and is thought to have met the director and other production staff from the film.

Cruise and Abrams have worked together before, in Mission: Impossible 5, which is also due out next year.

The new Star Wars flick is meant to be coming out at Christmas 2015, but filming has suffered a setback after Harrison Ford broke his left leg on the set.

Joining him in reprising old roles will be Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, the Absolutely-Perfect-In-Every-Way Lupita Nyong’o and the Great-But-He’s-No-Lupita-Nyong’o-But-Was-Good-In-Girls actor Adam Driver.

As for what part  Cruise plays, we can’t say. But he’ll nail the dialogue, which could just be a reworking of the official Scientology website.

Jedi Knight: “Why?”

TC: “As one’s level of spiritual awareness increases through participation in Jedi / Scientology auditing and training, one attains his own certainty of every dynamic. Accordingly, only when the Seventh Dynamic (spiritual) is reached in its entirety will one discover and come to a full understanding of the Eighth Dynamic (infinity) and one’s relationship to the Supreme Being”

JK: “Eh?”

TC: “To love is the road to strength. To love in spite of all is the secret of greatness. And may very well be the greatest secret in this universe.”

At which point Darth Vader grabs his head and implodes.


Posted: 23rd, June 2014 | In: Celebrities Comments (2) | TrackBack | Permalink