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Susan Boyle Presents The X Factor

by | 8th, May 2009
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susan-boyle-pancakeHATS off to X Factor host Dermot O’Leary for promoting his talentless fest by way of Susan Boyle, of Britain’s Got Talent fame.

The Sun hears “straight-talking O’Leary” literally opine:

“I’d like to think Susan would have been a success on X Factor, but in reality it’s most likely she wouldn’t have. Sure, she has a great voice but she’d probably struggle with the dancing and the variety of songs contestants have to sing.”

Variety is O’Leary’s byword, literally. He is literally right, and literally – can you believe it?! – fronting a show that has produced such luminary and varied talents as Steve Brookstein, Shayne Ward, Leon Jackson and Alexandra Burke (all show winners).

The one shining light has been Leona Lewis, who so sooner won than put as much distance between herself and the party piece by jetting off to America.

The X–Factor is a singing show, as Dermot and his barrage of judges are at pains to remind everyone, which is why when Britney Spears appeared she mimed and moved like a drunk Hen Night in Swansea, causing Simon Cowell to offer up – get this:

“It’s Britney Spears. So everyone’s got to up their game tonight.”

And here’s – literally – Dermot O’Leary, literally:

“We get people all the time auditioning with good musical and classical voices, but they all fall at the hurdle before we even get to the studio stage of the show. And even if Susan did get through she would probably only get through one round of X Factor.”

Because she looks like Dennis Healey waiting to use a portaloo and the X Factory is a paean to shiny things on sticks?

Because the X Factor is a show that rips all the fun, rebellion and spontaneity from pop music and turns into a thing that can be graded in a school report by such talentless professors of knobology as Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne?

O’Leary enlightens us:

“The difference with our show is that you’ve got to prove yourself 12 times over — not just once.”

But the biggest differences are that Susan Boyle did not appear on the X Factory, and the X Factor does not have the talented Ant ‘n’ Dec to evoke feelings of warmth towards even the most appalling wannabe and to act as foil to the judges’ hyperbole and cliche.

If O’Leary did not speak beyond the show, would anyone know who presented the X-Factor? The show is there to entertain. Replace O’Leary with a screen on which “NEXT!” is written and save the audience the pain – literally – and ITV some money (he gets a £1million a year, so reports say).

The judges are either dislikeable, lovable or f***able. They are the real stars of the show. The acts are stop gaps. The presenter is redundant.

Says O’Leary:

“I know people always say they enjoy the early stages with all the eccentrics trying out. But X Factor simply wouldn’t work unless we ended up with 12 good voices.”

What we enjoy is entertainment. And we are…

“They vote like crazy and punch above their weight — just look at the support Leon Jackson got from back home.

“So I’m hoping we unearth another star.”

Like Susan Boyle…



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Posted: 8th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink