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Anorak | Pump it up! David Cameron will never be a politician

Pump it up! David Cameron will never be a politician

by | 29th, April 2015

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Pump it up! Cameron comes out fighting

Has there ever been a worse speech than David Cameron’s ridiculous address to an audience of lucky businessmen in London?

Perhaps he has been experimenting with drugs.

Perhaps he is going through a mid-life crisis.

Perhaps he’s trying to emulate Tim Sherwood, the passionate, thrusting young manager of his beloved Aston Villa.

Whatever the reason, Dave’s excitable performance was bizarre, to say the least.

When the Tory supremo went (in his own words) ‘off piste’ with his West Ham faux pas, it was surely a cue for his carers to rein him in before his next public exhibition.

Not a bit of it! This was Dave with the gloves off.

Commentators had alluded to the possibility of his having a ‘John Major soapbox moment’ during the campaign, but surely nobody thought he would take the hint so literally.

Yet there he was, literally standing on a box, with his jacket off and a look of proud defiance on his face.

Things were about to get ‘bloody lively’, in the PM’s own salty phrase, shortly to be unveiled during this businesstastic tour de force.

‘If I’m getting lively about it, it’s because I feel bloody lively,’ he announced defiantly.

Loins stirred in pinstriped suits.

Businesswomen moaned with delight.

Asthmatics reached for their inhalers.

Aston Villa fans punched the air with delight.

Chimney sweeps doffed their caps and did jigs of joy.

‘We have got a fight on our hands and I am going to win that fight. It’s a battle for the backbone of Britain, that’s what this election is about.’

‘WHOAH! HELL YEAH!’ we roared.

Then we stopped.

Hang on. What does that mean, precisely? That Britain is about to lose its backbone? That Dave doesn’t have a backbone, and wants to use Britain’s?

But this is no time for questions, for Dave is in full flow now…

‘Some people think stability and security are boring. I don’t. If you want risk, if you want to take a punt, go with the other guy.’

Hold on, what’s this? You’re saying that you are Timid Dave, and Ed is the guy with balls who takes a punt?

But aren’t entrepreneurs and small businessmen supposed to have balls and take the risks, and earn their rightful rewards? Isn’t that the basic Tory philosophy?

But wait, Dave hasn’t finished.

‘Taking a risk, having a punt, having a go, that pumps me up!’

Eh? It pumps you up? But didn’t you just say, ‘If you want risk, if you want to take a punt, go with the other guy’?

Oh well, no time to dwell, here comes the finale, and Dave is REALLY pumped now…

‘I want people absolutely to know why I want this so badly. I want it for the person who is working hard and trying to provide for their family. I want it for the people trying to build a better life because they are putting in the effort. I want it so we have a country where if you work hard you get rewarded. That is why I want it. That is what is so important at this election.’

A-a-and… relax.

Mr Cameron spoke without a microphone, and although he was clearly audible, his speech brought back memories of Iain Duncan Smith’s ‘quiet man’ debacle, for sheer rudderless, desperation.

He spoke without notes too, so this was either a sensible speech sunk by Dave’s inability to improvise without dropping a bollock, or a glimpse into the confusion of his ‘vision’.

Either way, it confirms the impression that while Cameron might be a great guy with whom to play tennis, or have a ‘date night’, or discuss children’s hospitals over a mug of coffee in his kitchen, or cheer on Aston Villa in a stable and secure way without invading the pitch, or a thousand other things at which he excels…

He is not, and never will be, a politician.

As a public figure, he has the authority and gravitas of an Apprentice candidate, or a young shaver from a bank ad who is ‘passionate about financial services’.

How he became PM is one of the great mysteries of history.

David Cameron. The man who makes John Major look like Winston Churchill.

By The Angry Red Tomato



Posted: 29th, April 2015 | In: Key Posts, Politicians Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink