Posts Tagged ‘cinema’
Phoenix Nights To Shout Garlic Bread Pointlessly At You From The Silver Screen, Potentially
GARLIC BREAD! Hahaha! Garlic bread, of course, is the food that made everyone from outside of Bolton, believe that everyone from inside of Bolton thought it was the most glamorous, exotic thing they’d seen since the town was awarded a microwaveable chicken korma.
And now, Peter Kay is to potentially wheel out Phoenix Nights for everyone again, this time, on the big-screen.
It appears that Kay has already written the script and is currently looking at offers from film producers. Of course, the baffling success of the dreadful Inbetweeners movie hasn’t done any harm to Kay’s pitches.
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Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Gerard Depardieu Decides To Take A Wazz On A Flight, Which Is Understandable
WHAT would you do if you really needed to go to the toilet, but you found yourself stuck on a plane that wasn’t moving? You’d ask a steward/ess if you could go to the ‘rest room’ for ‘a rest’ wouldn’t you?
What happens if that flight attendant say “Non.”
Well, if you are called Gerard Depardieu, you’d flop your old chap out and take a long, drunken piss in the aisle of the plane. That’s exactly what you’d do because that’s precisely what has happened on an Air France flight.
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Posted: 17th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)
Hollywood Is Dead: Angry Birds Movie Is Considered
HOLLYWOOD is not in rude health. People can’t be bothered going to the cinema in quite the same numbers as they once did. Quite right too as cinemas are the most joyless places on Earth with their smell of disinfectant and outrageously priced snacks.
The worst element of the movies is the films shown themselves, often being turgid, generic fluff dribbled out to saps paying a tenner-a-pop, for which they’re supposed to be grateful.
And the latest nail in cinema’s coffin is the announcement that we could very well be treated to a feature length version of the irritatingly addictive Angry Birds game.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Wife Laughs, Then Probably Cries, In The Face Of Reconciliation
BICEP brained Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably sat somewhere on his own right now, silently weeping over photographs of his family that he destroyed when he forgot to put a condom on while entering his maid and then keeping the resultant child a secret for a decade or so.
He’s probably sent texts to Maria Shriver, his soon-to-be-ex who will take him to the financial cleaners, saying ‘I can change’, which are clearly very funny if you read them aloud in his voice.
Arnold Schwarzenegger And Mildred Patricia Baena’s Love Child Photos
However, Maria is not interested, making it abundantly clear that there’s absolutely no chance of her giving their marriage another try.
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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Quentin Tarantino And Lady GaGa To Team Up For A Movie?
SEEING as Quentin Tarantino allowed Lady GaGa to use the Kill Bill Pussywagon in the singer’s promotional video for Telephone, it isn’t surprising that the film director is looking at GaGa and thinking of putting her in one of his films.
And what better way to try and sweeten the deal than by getting Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to butter up the Judas singer while on a jolly at the Cannes Film Festival? Unless they tried to adopt her, which could be kinda irritating.
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Dan Aykroyd Has 21,000 Bottles Of Vodka Stolen From Him
POOR old Dan Aykroyd. He’s currently mourning the loss of 21,000 bottles of vodka stolen from him. He was, apparently, planning on drinking them this weekend as well.
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Posted: 12th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lea Michele Thinks Her Nose Will Take Lead Role In Glee Movie
HEY everyone! There’s going to be a Glee movie out this summer! How amazing is that? Not very? Well aren’t you a bunch of spoilsports?! In fairness, you’re spoilsports that are absolutely bang-on-the-money, but still, you could at least fake excitement for those dribbling idiots you know who can’t live without some Glee in their life.
That’s right. There are people who actively seek out television shows filled with grinning Americans performing thousand-part harmonies while dancing around with all the sex appeal of a hat stand.
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Posted: 6th, May 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Hayden Panettiere Chillingly Tells Everyone About Her Dad Making Her Scream As A Child
HAYDEN Panettiere will be required to do a lot of screaming in the new Scream flick, unless of course, she gets bumped off early doors like Drew Barrymore did in the first of the franchise.
And weirdly, she’s decided to come clean about how she got so good at screaming in the first place – her father used to make her shriek, repeatedly, when she was small.
So how did he do this?
One can only assume that he mastered the art of springing out at her from behind doors and doing his best to strangle her to death or, indeed, spend balmy sunny afternoons tying her up and inserting art scalpels into the beds of her fingernails.
Right? That’s the logical thing to think, isn’t it?
Of course it isn’t you sick pervert. The truth of the matter is that Hayden’s father is an immensely paranoid man who was constantly in fear of something terrible happening to his future pension.
“I’m a fireman’s daughter and he always taught me, because I’m such a small girl, that you always have to look like you have somewhere to be and someone’s gonna miss you if you (don’t) get there.”
“He used to tell me all the time when I went to the mall with my friends, ‘What do you do if somebody comes up and grabs you?’ He taught me to scream, ‘You’re not my daddy, you’re not my daddy’.
This is perfectly normal isn’t it? Nothing wrong here.
“So I had a lot of practice screaming, ‘You’re not my daddy’. Now it just sounds wrong. But I’m pretty good at screaming.”
So there you have it. Parents are all clearly imbeciles.
Vanessa Hudgens Defends Her Skimpy Outfits In Sucker Punch
GOOD lord! Hollywood hasn’t got a history of using women as sex objects in movies… until now that is! See, the shock and scandal is that, in new action flick – Sucker Punch – Vanessa Hudgens and her costars all parade around in very little clothing and it has people all in a tizz!
In the film, onanists will be able to enjoy the bodies of Hudgens, Abbie Cornish, Emily Browning and more, all charging around in tiny slips of material. Of course, this has never happened before in the history of film.
As such, Variety were absolutely correct to gripe that this movie is nothing more than “fantasy fodder for 13-year-old guys” and that the assembled ladies are sporting nothing more than “demeaning fetish gear”.
Cor. Demeaning fetish gear eh? PHWOAR. The cinemas could well set ablaze with the friction from young men rubbing their thighs too furiously.
But whatever. Hudgens doesn’t agree with these mewing Mary Whitehouse sorts.
“I was in the best shape of my life, so why not? The woman’s body is a beautiful thing. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t, like, be our best in our costumes.”
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Posted: 12th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
