Anorak News | Slapland: Dorset Santa Attacked In Great War On Christmas

Slapland: Dorset Santa Attacked In Great War On Christmas

by | 3rd, December 2008

TO the Lapland New Forest in Dorset, where the little alcopop munchers are dandling on Santa’s arthritic a knee:

Santa: “So – ho-ho – what d’yer want for Christmas/XMas/Diwali/Eid/Winter solsctice/ Chanukah Christmas/ Bhodi/Present Day (delete as applicable), little girl?”

Armani Alcopop: “You f*** you callin’ a ho, muvverf****r? Give me the lot or I’ll tell me mum you touched me and you listen to Gary Glitter records. Paedo!”

Too late. As the Sun screams from its front page: “Santa and three elves beaten up in Lapland.”

Even Sam from Manchester is putting the thigh-boots in, whipping off her top to say that the grotty grotto grabbers should be “ashamed of themselves”.

A gate worker has “fled” into the undergrowth after being assaulted. Agency staff are being told to leave their jobs. A “dad” is so angry for the little kiddies he is unable to put his rage into words and punches Santa on his woolly chin.

Three elves are menaced. Just get load of that reindeer scum with the livid red nose. Bastard!

While Santa removes his beard and contemplates life with a cigarette, “Adrian” tells the world that the park is like a “war zone”.

Old Mr Anorak nods and recalls the dark days of life looking over the trenches, riding his horse past dozens of thin, elfin “little people”, all quite frozen stiff in the yellowy snow.

Says Claire Harnett of Poole, Dorset:

“The whole experience was appalling especially for the cost.”

OMA nods and his eyes grow rheumy.

But on the bright side there is no such thing as band publicity, and just as the First World War can be repackaged as the Great War, Lapland New Forest can be known as the Park Santa Claus.

What with the expense, crap food, screaming children, fraught parents and smell of dried sick, it’ll be just like every other theme park, only more seasonal?


Posted: 3rd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews Comments (6) | TrackBack | Permalink