Anorak News | Swine Flu Hits American Idol

Swine Flu Hits American Idol

by | 30th, April 2009

swine-fluSWINE Flu is upon us. Although this is a respiratory disease and not a disease that affects pigs and pig meat, people hear swine flu and stop buying pork. You should also stop watching American Idol – it’s link to swine flu has not been ruled out.

Anorak already hears whispers that Peta, the self-appointed spokespeople for dumb animals is lobbying to get it called Veal Flu. Arsenal fans are calling it Manchester United Flu, Pakistanis are calling it Taliban Flu, anti-war protestors are calling it Gun Flu and a woman in the shopping precinct who shouts at pigeons is calling it Penis Flu.

It was never meant to be like this. The US would elect Obama and things would change. But since He came to the fore, we’ve have plagues of Depression, our first born – Jade Goody – has died – and Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt have STILL to reunite.

And things will get worse. Sky News advertises:

Mexico Shuts Down As Pandemic Threat Rises

Mexico is closed. Good news for US border guards who may seize their opportunity to put boards up along the perimeter fence and decorate it with pictures of snout-nosed Mexicans.

To really ratchet up the panic, here come someone with a vested interest:

WHO chief Margaret Chan said “it really is all of humanity that is under threat in a pandemic”.

And the newswires are doing their bit to help:

“About 70 deaths out of roughly 1,000 cases represents a fatality rate of about 7 percent,” the AP notes.

Or as Anorak reported yesterday:

Vivienne Allan, from WHO’s patient safety program, said the body had confirmed that worldwide there had been just seven deaths – all in Mexico – and 79 confirmed cases of the disease.

But no time to check facts. Just know that the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention:

CDC Looking Nationwide for More Swine Flu

So you have to look for it – or does swine flu look for YOU?

The Sun screams from its front page:


How did it get worse?

The global peril from the Mexican virus was raised from “phase four” to “phase five” — one short of the most dreaded — as five Brits were confirmed ill here.

It got worse because someone in an organisation that’s specialises in global health care puts the warning up from a 4 to a 5.

This is the Jeremy Kyle approach to news.

Kyle: “So Swine Flu, you scum. How sure are you that you’re going to kill us all..?”
SF (aka Benefits Flu; Absentee Dads Flu and Glue Sniffers Flu): “Well…”
Kyle: “Out of ten…”
SF: “Three… No, Four…”
Kyle: “You told our researchers your were an 8!”
SF: “Yeah… Eight…”

For those of you not able to comprehend how soon you will die, the BBC produces a graphic to explain:


You will note how pigs (purple dots. Surley pink dots? – ed) plus chickens (yellow chick-coloured dots) plus humans (green dots?) equals certain death or “brown dots”.

Anyone who has come into pigs and chickens at the same moment may be in real peril. And we put out a full Code Orange alert to the kitchens at the Trotter & Beak Public House in lower Essex, where the signature dish should be approached with care…

Swine Flu Sourced In The Industrial Feacal Mire
Peta Renames Swine Flu Veal Flu
Swine Flu Outbreak In London
Swine Flu Source Found
Pig Flu Linked To Cancer
Susan Boyle “Beaten Down By Swine Flu”
Obama Came Into Contact With Suspected Pig Flu
Jonathan Ross Linked To Pig Flu

Posted: 30th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews Comments (2) | TrackBack | Permalink