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THE worst cereal of all time, for me, has always been Grape-Nuts (AKA aquarium gravel). Yet, as I grew older, I actually came to like these granular pellets which look like they belong at the bottom of a fish tank. Tastes evolve.
I say this to underscore the fact that this list is purely subjective. Yet, it’s still fun to poke through the vast arrays of breakfast cereals from years past and single out the worst of the worst. I apologize up front if I am besmirching your cherished childhood favorite, but it simply must be done. And so here they are – the definitive list of the absolute worst breakfast cereals of all time (in no particular order). Enjoy.
1. Triple Snack (1963)
I’m not sure about the idea of roasted peanuts in cereal. Almonds are fine, but you start tossing roasted peanuts into the mix, and things get weird.
2. Pink Panther Flakes (1973)
The corn flakes were bubblegum colored, which is bad enough, but the cereal became notorious for rapidly losing its color. Almost as soon as the milk hit the flakes, the bubblegum color ran off, leaving behind soggy albino flakes. Your breakfast started so full of promise, with the brilliant pink hue signaling good tidings ahead. Fast forward a few seconds, and you’re eating your soggy albino flakes in quiet disappointment.
3. Donkey Kong (1982)
The taste was not bad; it was the texture that presented problems. Many will recall the “barrels’ scraped the roof of your mouth like a mouthful of broken glass. To be fair, after repeated spoonfuls, your throat and mouth would swell and become inflamed enough to no longer feel the sharp pain. So, enjoying the cereal wasn’t entirely impossible.
4. Punch Crunch
“Little pink rings with a big pink flavor just like fruit punch… a dandy part of a nutritious breakfast.”
At what stage of desperation do you have to be in to attempt a punch flavored cereal? Was Captain Crunch suffering from scurvy when he concocted this vitamin C inspired cereal? It would seem to be the only rational explanation.
5. Sir Grapefellow (1972)
There are just certain flavors that don’t belong in a cold milk cereal. Thus, as much as we may happen to like bacon and pizza, it doesn’t mean they will make for good cereal flavorings. Someone should have told General Mills that grapes fall into that same category.
6. Corn Flakes with Instant Bananas (1964)
This one was discontinued in ’66 due to problems with the preservation and freeze drying of the bananas. Apparently, Kellog’s hadn’t yet perfected the fancy carcinogenic preservatives and dyes we all take for granted today. Upon the addition of milk, the “bananas” turned into shriveled bits of brown before your very eyes. Had the box prepared consumers and perhaps been labeled “Corn Flakes with Shriveled Bits of Brown” instead, things might’ve been different.
7. Smurf Berry Crunch
Aside from the fact that many recall a distinct iodide smell, the primary problem was what happened after it was consumed. Evidently, Smurf Berry Crunch turned your poop a brilliant purple. While that may have been a “plus” to many consumers; for most, violet poop was an unwanted side effect.
8. Norman (1971)
Very little information remains beyond first-hand accounts. Most will tell you that this BUTTER flavored cereal was the most revolting thing they’ve ever eaten. It basically amounted to small crunchy butter flavored balls which in no way went nicely with cold milk. Those unfortunate enough to have experienced this breakfast horror tell the story as one would recount a grisly battle – with hushed somber tones, a vacant stare, and an expression that belies the tragedy of it all. Our deepest respect to the poor souls who took a spoonful of Norman to their lips and lived to tell the tale.
WHAT happens when a musician dies? They get a TV special and a ‘Best Of’. Eventually, they’ll get a musical too, possibly written by Ben Elton or Jennifer Saunders.
Between those, they’ll have their crypt ransacked by music industry CEOs with white ponytails sticking out of the back of their thinning heads. That’s right. Pop deaths mean Unreleased Material Time!
UMT sees tracks that weren’t finished or deemed too poor to be issued in the artist’s lifetime, stuck onto albums that no-one pays for anymore, possibly with a guest rap from Pitbull or something involving a children’s choir. Failing that, just get a load of no-marks to remix a load of stuff you like into something you like considerably less.
YOU can buy Horror of Frankenstein playing cards, reliving the Hammer House of Horror 1970 blood and babes fest in the comfort of your own game of Patience.
GOOD news people from the past! You can now burn CDs and DVDs for personal use and no-one is going to send you to a jail to be beaten into a Spam fritter by an inmate with hands so large that each finger has it’s own rib cage!
That’s right; the incredibly up-to-date government has put through some legislation to update copyright law which means, from June 1st, people in the UK will be at their ease when copying music music and media purchased on one device, but intended for use on another.
TODAY’S the lovely day we all find out how we’re going to fry in that latest report from the IPCC. You know, the scientific consensus on how climate change is doing damage to the planet and what it is that we might do about it. And what we all get told about what we ought to do about it is entirely wrong.
I mean all of that stuff that comes from The Guardian, Green Party, Greenpeace, Friends of the Earth and so on. You know the damn mantra. we must grow more of our own food, stop this horrible market based economy, plan to make things better, stop doing all this globalisation stuff.
KIDS can strike off climbing inside a 5oft PVC whale from their list of holiday days out. It’s a matter of billing. When the whale beached in the park opposite Tower Bridge was part of a pirate adventure, it was fit for purpose. Pirates who slit your throat and rape your granny are good wholesome fun. Moreover, their pet whales.
But when the whale was reused to illustrate the Bible story of Jonah, it was deemed morally wrong. The brains at the Potters Fields Park Management Trust, which runs the site, say the whale is now too religious.
WHEN mankind emerged from the primordial ooze that was that was the 1940s, homes began a rapid upgrade. The Western nations’ economies grew in tandem with technology, and the benefits began to enter the home in the form of appliances that promised to transform the household. Now you could own a toaster – oh, the possibilities!
FIRE has gutted the newly refurbished Phoenix Theatre and Studio building on North Street in Lewes, East Sussex.
Witness Adrian Sunderland says the venue had been hired by the – get this – the Cliffe Bonfire Society.
GLASGOW has a tough reputation. In 1982, the BBC documentary department went on safari in Glasgow, reporting on the city’s gangs.
The show focused on the Barrowfield is an area of east Glasgow in Camlachie, close to Celtic Park, home of Celtic Football Club.
The study on urban decay and life was split in four parts:
BLIGHT, WORK, THE SCHEME and THE BOND.
“I DISCOVERED rap from a young age,” says David Palmer, 25, who performs under the name Dave In Charge. He’s the grandson of Monroe and Susette Palmer, now life peers Lord and Lady Palmer of Childs Hill, Barnet, London.
The nebbishy looking rapper who recorded his song from his parent’s The Vale, Golders Green crib and the video on the mean paths of Hampstead Heath, goes on:
FLASHBACK to November 18, 1978:
Rioting Tottenham Hotspur fans tear down a section of iron railings in a bid to reach the Chelsea supporters before a Division One game at London’s Stamford Bridge ground.
Were you that lone fan on the roof?
ADAM Weinstein says Climate change deniers should be “arrested”. He says so on Gawker:
We have laws on the books to punish anyone whose lies contribute to people’s deaths.
Contributing to deaths seems to include creating pollution, as the picture by his story implies.
THERE are three important questions about climate change: is it happening, is it us causing it and how bad is it going to be? It’s the answers to those three that determine what, if anything, we should try to do about it. My answers to those three have been yes, yes, and maybe not as bad as people think for some time now. It appears that I might even have been right as well:
It puts the overall cost at less than 2% of GDP for a 2.5 degrees Centigrade (or 4.5 degrees Fahrenheit) temperature increase during this century. This is vastly less than the much heralded prediction of Lord Stern, who said climate change would cost 5%-20% of world GDP in his influential 2006 report for the British government.
That is a rather large change, isn’t it? And we need to also put that into context against what Stern said we should be spending now. Which is that we should be willing to spend 1-2% of GDP a year now to avoid that possible 20% loss. You can agree or not agree, as you wish, with that plan. But it’s obviously very different from spending 1 or 2% of GDP for a century to then avoid a 2% fall in GDP.
There is, of course, no certainty in any of this so one single calculation isn’t going to be enough to change all of our plans. But we almost certainly should be starting to think about scaling back the plans and the spending we’re currently undertaking.