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SPURS balls: Compare and contrast the words of Tottenham manager Tim Sherwood:
“The final league position has to meet the expectations of the club otherwise it’s ‘Goodbye Charlie’. The club need to finish in fourth place. Anything other than that is going to be a disappointment. Realistically we should be in and amongst it.
“There was never any pressure to get Champions League football. Just go out and do your best.”
It’s all about consistency.
WE’VE all heard about the titans of the silicon Valley venture capital industry. One day they put 30 cents into the stock of some company enabling people to show cat photos to each other and then three weeks later they’re running off with $10 billion from the IPO.
All most, most, annoying.
However, there’s one company out there that has been doing this venture capital stuff for over a century now. And they’ve made some quite glorious suck ups. No, not in what Bessemer Venture Partners did invest in, rather in what they didn’t. And they’re self-confident enough to tell us what they did fail to invest in too.
On investing in e-Bay:
“Stamps? Coins? Comic books? You’ve GOT to be kidding,” thought David Cowan. “No-brainer pass.”
THE Telegraph has the headline that we can all take a minute to appreciate:
Irish bomber blew himself up after device went off too soon ‘because he forgot to put his watch forward’
Our hero had placed a bomb beneath a Volvo SUV. Kaboom!
The suspected bomber was seen fleeing the area in Dublin with “blood dripping down his face” .
A police source told the Mirror:
“This certainly was a high-grade explosive used in this bomb. It wasn’t garbage stuff. It would appear the bomber got his timings wrong. It could be a case where he didn’t put his watch forward on Sunday and the timer went off too soon. If anyone had been in the car or walking near it at the time then they would have been killed.”
Supt Dave Taylor ads, lest the most simple fact escape us, as it seems to have escaped the cretinous villain:
“It is quite obvious that the car was the object of this attack.”
The owner of the vehicle, a local businessman, has offered no comment.
THERE’S been a bit of a furore over in the US about the new Michael Lewis book. He’s saying that all this high speed trading (that’s the stuff done by computers in nanoseconds) is just a rip off of the average investor. The sad thing is that he’s got it entirely wrong.
What HFT does do is add more liquidity to the markets. That is, there’s just more people buying and selling as a result of their activity. Because their activity is buying and selling, so obviously there’s more of it going on.
FLASHBACK to Glastonbury 20–24 June 1971.
Before Glastonbury became a corporate BBC-sponsored event – and how Aunty Beeb kills the cool with her patronage – it was free and fun.
The Glastonbury Fayre of 1971 was instigated by Andrew Kerr after being found and introduced to Michael Eavis by David Trippas and organised with help from Arabella Churchill, Thomas Crimble,Bill Harkin, Gilberto Gil, Mark Irons, and Jytte Klamer. The 1971 festival featured the first incarnation of the “Pyramid Stage”. Conceived by Bill Harkin the stage was a one-tenth replica of the Great Pyramid of Giza built from scaffolding and metal sheeting and positioned over a blind spring which was found by dowsing.
Performers included David Bowie, Traffic, Fairport Convention, Quintessence, Hawkwind, Skin Alley, The Worthy Farm Windfuckers and Melanie. It was paid for by its supporters and advocates of its ideal, and embraced a mediaeval tradition of music, dance, poetry, theatre, lights and spontaneous entertainment. The 1971 festival was filmed by Nicolas Roeg and David Puttnam and was released as a film called simply Glastonbury Fayre.
FOR people who don’t like hippies, festival-goers, indie music, ridiculous gig flags, wankers in bucket hats, posh girls in bindhis, heritage rock bands and wacky BBC presenters, the blanket coverage of the Glastonbury Festival is worse than a million Royal Weddings.
The bad news for Glastohaters is that the event has just had its license renewed for another decade.
And Glastonbury gaffer Emily Eavis – she took it over from her dad, Michael – has promised that ‘the best is yet to come’.
OK, so there’s being good looking and stupid, not an unknown combination, and then there’s being freakish looking and being a blind bloody idiot. Which is what seems to have happened to this real life Barbie Doll of ours:
‘Human Barbie’ Valeria Lukyanova has claimed that interracial couples are making the human race uglier and sparking a rise in plastic surgery.
The cosmetically-enhanced model, 28, who is from the Ukraine, told GQ magazine: ‘Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that.
‘Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. A Russian marries an Armenian, they have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good.’
WHAT’S the worst movie title of all time? Freddy Got Fingered (2001) and Stop! Or my Mom will Shoot (1992) are often cited as contenders. One that nearly earned a victory for worst is Denzel Washington’s The Great Debaters (2007) – an immensely serious film which very nearly is The Master Debaters. Close but no cigar. The unpronounceable film The Rural Juror could have walked away with an easy victory. Alas, it’s a fictitious film from the TV show 30 Rock. Disqualified.
Perhaps, it’s best to look back a few decades. It may not be possible to scientifically lay out the all-time worst, but we can certainly make like Freddy and Finger a few candidates.
10. Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things (1973)
Sometimes a title is just trying to be get our attention by its ridiculousness [i.e. I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990). For low budget films without a lot of financial resources for promotion, the best way to lure audiences is via a sensational title. So, I understand the rationale, and am sure it served its purpose; however, the title is still horrible. Functional, but horrible.
WHEN police announced that Peaches Geldof had died the newspapers rushed to shout “first”. Her death at 25 is a shocks. To her husband and two young children it is a tragedy. To the media it’s a result.
The celebrity death is heralded by people on social media shouting “FIRSTS!” and the “ker-ching” of big media’s cash register. Who can be first to dash out a few hundred words of speculation veering between the mawkish an the insulting about the dead person they never knew?
PEACHES Geldof has died. The vivacious, fun, entertaining and smart daughter of the late Paul Yates and Bob Geldof has died aged 25. She leaves behind a husband and two young sons.
So. How does the Metro newspaper report on the death of a young woman and her bereft family?
What mind thought that was a good front page?
CIRCA 1780: Francis Gerber Vampiryc Research Case:
STUART Meloy is the surgeon at Piedmont Anesthesia and Pain Consultants in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, who when experimenting with pain relief discovered the orgasm pill. He recalled the Eureka moment:
“I was placing the electrodes and suddenly the woman started exclaiming emphatically. I asked her what was up and she said, `You’re going to have to teach my husband to do that.'”
PEACHES Geldof has died aged 25. Peaches Geldof, the daughter of Bob Geldof and Paula Yates, has died at the age of 25.
That is tragic.
She was vivacious, funny and a good journalist.
Speaking to Elle Magazine in 2013, Peaches said:
“I remember the day my mother died, and it’s still hard to talk about it. I just blocked it out. I went to school the next day because my father’s mentality was ‘keep calm and carry on. So we all went to school and tried to act as if nothing had happened. But it had happened. I didn’t grieve. I didn’t cry at her funeral. I couldn’t express anything because I was just numb to it all. I didn’t start grieving for my mother properly until I was maybe 16.”
She was married to musician Thomas Cohen, with whom she had two sons, Astala, one, and Phaedra, who will turn one on 24 April.
THIS is an interesting little calculation that’s been made about how many people you would need on your spaceship if you were to set off and try to colonise the next star system over. Well, OK, it’s interesting to me as someone who imbibed so much SF and Fantasy stuff when in my long ago youth at least. And the answer is a very much larger number of people than you might think.
Here’s what the problem is:
Entire generations of people would be born, live, and die before the ship reached its destination. This brings up the question of how many people you need to send on a hypothetical interstellar mission to sustain sufficient genetic diversity. And a new study sets the bar much higher than Moore’s 150 people.
According to Portland State University anthropologist Cameron Smith, any such starship would have to carry a minimum of 10,000 people to secure the success of the endeavor. And a starting population of 40,000 would be even better, in case a large percentage of the population died during during the journey.
HOW good is Wayne Rooney? He’s so good that when the dire Sun on Sunday came to picking their team of the week, they picked the Manchester United star to play up front with someone called “Rodellaga”, a possible relation to Fulham’s Hugo Rodallega.
It’s also odd because Rooney didn’t play in United’s 4-0 win over Newcastle. still, good to see tweeting support for the actual team getting the recognition it deserves.
The Sun is dying on its feet.
Birmingham Schools’ Trojan Wars: Intolerant Liberals Fight Bigoted Muslims And Christians For Children’s Minds
ANDREW Moffat has resigned his job as assistant head teacher at Chilwell Croft Academy, in Newtown, Birmingham. You may know him as the author of the guide Challenging Homophobia in Primary Schools. That’s CHIPS. (Does the acronym come before the policy?)
The Times says CHIPS begins with the advice that five-year-olds need to be taught that gay men and lesbians exist. (But do they care?) But Mr Moffat’s books and his sensible appeal for tolerance and understanding are mostly aimed at older children.
Mr Moffat says he resigned from his post after parents complained that he was telling children it was acceptable to be gay. He told the children he was gay during an assembly. He explains why he did it:
“I did come out at school in an assembly after a group of 11-year-olds held up a poster they made, with the heading ‘Gay is good’. It seemed like the right time to let the children know that they knew a gay person. Following my coming out, some parents from different communities complained to the school, but I maintain that my decision was the right one at that time. Some Christian and some Muslim parents have told me they don’t want their children learning that it’s OK to be gay.”
UNIVERSITY lecturer John Hyatt claims to have photographed fairies flitting about Rossendale Valley, Lancashire. Mr Hyatt, who works at Manchester Metropolitan University, has showcased his discovery and said: “A lot of people who have seen them say they have brought a little bit of magic into their lives and there’s not enough of that around.”
Is magic a doily cut into wings shapes and suspended on dental floss Is that what fairies are, offcuts from Blue Peter?
HERE is some free advice for up-and-coming marketing execs: Adverts should not make consumers feel nauseous or deeply uncomfortable. Nor should they cause consumers to experience waking nightmares or abdominal pain. You wouldn’t think this sort of instruction would be necessary, but here are five examples which demonstrate that it is. Please take notes.
1. SEXUALLY AROUSED STUFFED TOYS PROMOTE BEAR HOSIERY
“What a treat to stocking those legs. Wish I were a man,” says the first bear. I’m not sure how I feel about stuffed animals ogling over a woman’s legs. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer Teddy Bears without a sexual appetite.
Read the rest of this entry »
Read the rest of this entry »
THE Wound Man is a compendium of all the injuries that a body in the Middle Ages might sustain.
The Wellcome Library advises:
Captions beside the stoic figure describe the injuries and sometimes give prognoses: often precise distinctions are drawn between types of injuries, such as whether an arrow has embedded itself in a muscle or shot right through. (The latter is better – the arrowhead can be cut away and the shaft withdrawn smoothly, whilst the embedded arrow will tear the muscle with its barbs when pulled out.)
LAST week we learnt that Yashika Bageerathi, 19, is contrary to the public good. Yashika had hatched a plot to take A-level exams this summer. The authorities picked up chatter that Bageerathi was expected to “do well”. It would be a “glorious day” if she “passed”.
Cunning Bageerathi arrived into UK by legal means. As police checked vans for human cargo and the coastguard kept a look out for overburdened li-los from France, Yashika and her family arrived in the UK on a plane. They were in possession of correct documentation. She then proceeded to commit not a single crime and work hard, slyly remaining “below the radar”.
CHAMANGENI Zulu is now surely on his way to riches. Currently in residence at Zambia’s Chipata General Hospital in Zambia, near the Malawi border, Mr Zulu followed doctor’s orders: he went into the bush and allowed / encouraged a hyena to eat his penis. Mr Zulu tells the Times of Zambia:
“I met some business persons who told me the best way to become rich was to sacrifice parts of my body. I was instructed to be naked and a hyena came to me and started eating my toes and eventually my manhood was eaten. Even if I have lost some important parts of my body, I still want to get rich.”
IN 1940, the pamphlet A potato that wasn’t a Christian hit the streets.
Now read on:
Mummy. Who makes potatoes..?
IN 1865, Seth Kinman (1815-1888), the California Hunter and Trapper, gave US President Andrew Johnson a GRIZZLY-BAR CHAIR.