The Queen’s Lost Uncle

‘IF you thought Royal scandal was the preserve of the Queen’s children and their various partners, you’d be very wrong. Even Princess Margaret didn’t set the benchmark for dissolution among the Windsors.

‘I could tell you a few things about

Cry Baby

‘TECHNOLOGY is a wonderful thing. It’s very nearly as wonderful as children. And a combination of the two has led to police apprehending a thief in Germany.

The robber was arrested after a mother heard him telling a friend how …

Take Him Down(stairs)

‘WHEN a man from Mironeasa village in Iasi, Romania, was sentenced for trying to kill one of his neighbours, he screamed his innocence.

And then he ran. He hid for 11 years in the basement of his house. And that’s …

Remember, Remember

‘NO sooner has the little blighter next door chucked eggs and flour over your front door on Hallowe’en, then he’s sticking a lit firework through your letterbox.

Jeffrey Archer wishes he hadn’t agreed to by the guy at his local

In Gob We Trust

‘IF the old adage contains any truth, then going to Rome and doing as Romans do would see you spitting in people’s faces, calling black footballers monkeys and telling Jews to get back to the gas ovens.

‘That’ll stop him

Send In The Flying Squad

‘WHO would win in a straight scrap – Superman or Spiderman? Or could Batman have them both?

‘Oi, piss off! I’m protesting up here’

We ask this question as we read in the Telegraph that the cost to taxpayers of …

Between Brock And A Hard Place

‘WHEN we think of Westminster, our thoughts inevitably turn to former Welsh Secretary and badger fancier Ron Davies.

‘You lookin’ for a bit of fun, guv?’

And Ron will be delighted to read a report in the Independent which concludes …

Knives And Fawkes

‘IF Guy Fawkes had succeeded in blowing up the Palace of Westminster those 398 long years ago, large parts of central London would have been flattened.

Tory MPs discuss how to get rid of Michael Howard

Of course, large parts …

Damn And Blast

‘OH, happy, happy day! The hunt for weapons of mass destruction is at an end.

The Scud of the firework world

The Express’ fearless reporter, Geoff Marsh, is seen in the paper clutching two enormous weapons that were surely once …

Star-Crossed Lovers

‘NO sooner have the commemorative iced sausage rolls been despatched to the poor and needy then Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck announce that they are secretly planning a new wedding party.

‘Have they all come to see me?’

The Star …

Not Turning A Blind Eye

‘YESTERDAY’S exposure of the number of British cops who are paid-up members of the British National Party has tapped David Blunkett’s knee.

‘Not a cell will be left unfilled’

Speaking in the Mirror, the Home Secretary says that he doesn’t …

Fight Night

‘IT’S Manchester United v Glasgow Rangers tonight in the Champions’ League. And that means… YES! It is the cue for the Sun to scream “Battle of Britain”.

Renaissance Man

Pavlov’s dogs, or whoever works as the sports sub-editor at the …

Body Shop

‘IT has been David Beckham’s injured hamstring that has been occupying the minds of Real Madrid supporters recently, although the England captain did return to the side at the weekend to help them to a 3-0 victory over Atletico Bilbao. …

Little Big Man

‘IT takes a big man to admit his faults. And it takes a little one to apply for a free penis enlargement in Brazil.

A group of 35 Brazilian doctors are offering free penis enlargement surgery to anyone who satisfies …

Flushed With Success

‘PAGING Norris McWhirter. Paging Norris McWhirter…

‘First class or standard toilet, sir?’

We need to ask the great keeper of the world’s records how high the bar is set for cramming people into a single toilet cubicle.

Ever the showman, …

Sick Transit Aurora

‘WHEN Leo Blair makes his debut on Pop Idol, he’ll push his fingers into his rosy cheeks and tell us all about life aboard the good ship lollypop.

‘Leprosy, bits have started falling off of me…’

That syrupy rendition of …

What Simon Says

‘YOU join us in the home of Angie Typical and her four-year-old child.

‘Hmmm. You did your best, which is the main thing’

“Would you like more chips, Leo?” asks dear old mum. “Shut up, you tart. I said I’d …

A Family Affair

‘SHORTLISTS of one are all the rage at the moment – it seems certain that the Tory party will have only one name on the ballot sheet for its new leader, and likewise shareholders of BSkyB.

Rupert takes Grace to

Horny, Horny, Horny

‘EVEN the spooks at GCHQ will find it difficult to listen into Michael Howard’s conversations, not least because he communicates with his fellow bats at an ultra-sonic frequency.

The Gary Lucy of the ovine world

But there is another reason …

Greasy Poll

‘MOST politicians probably feel like paedophiles most of the time.

‘People say I must be batty to want this job’

Not only do they spend an inordinate amount of time hanging round schools and kissing babies, but they are about …

Keeping Up

‘NOT for no reason is Suranne Jones known as the knicker model’s knicker model.

Also available for work with bras

Ostensibly an actress on Coronation Street, where she plays Karen McDonald – who, by sheer coincidence, sews knickers for money …

Horses For Courses

‘WHEREAS the famous pay their way in life, able to afford the niceties from the own bank accounts, the mere celebs look for the freebie.

‘Who had rice?’

Whether it be an old sock, a cinema ticket or a drink …

Better Latte Than Never

‘IT’S hard to put all of Donna Air’s achievements in one short passage but OK! is brave enough to give it a shot.

‘And a fried slice for table two’

“Donna wears cashmere cardigan, £149; jeans, £35, by Per Una; …

England See Red

‘SAMOA managed to raise their game for their Rugby World Cup match against England but failed to find the same heights the next week against South Africa.

Wales are no soft touch

How England must be hoping that Wales do …

I’m On The Train

‘LEAVES on the line. The wrong kind of snow. Lazy staff who can’t be bothered to work so they’re striking instead. All excuses for trains not running on time. And now for a new one from America: hand stuck down …