Anorak News | Jacqui Smith’s Secret Police Force’s Balls Up

Jacqui Smith’s Secret Police Force’s Balls Up

by | 27th, August 2008


While the potty Home Secretary keeps you distracted with her kebab and embonpoint, her police force is hard at it.

And the Mail knows how to spot them. Some of them, let’s call them “Security guards” are dressed in black jumpers (although they can be a dark navy blue) and polyester blend trousers.

Others work in the town hall, perhaps disguised as typists, the woman on reception who prides herself on being obstructive or the planning officer in the React-o-lite Rapides.

These workers have “sweeping police-style powers:

For a few hundred pounds, state and private sector employees can receive Home Office accreditation. This allows them to hand out fines for a raft of offences, from dropping litter to riding a bike on the pavement. They can also stop cars to check their tax discs, seize alcohol from underage drinkers and demand people’s names and addresses.

Community Safey Accreditation sounds brillint and Anorak Security Services is sure to sign up. How much?

Councils and other public sector organisations must pay between £300 and £315 to be accredited, and between £35 to £90 per employee. In the private sector, the costs are between £450 and £600 per firm, and £32 to £132 per employee. The scheme is being sold to companies such as security firms as a way of boosting their profile.

By our calculation, if we can seize seven cans of Special Brew and/or Diamond White every day from now until just after the busy Christmas period, the badge will have paid for itself.

But what’s the difference between a CSA and CSO (Community Support Officer)? And is CSI the inspiration?

The only significant difference between the accredited workers and CSOs is that they do not have the power to detain a suspect. Instead, they would have to summon police to help if a situation turned ugly. However, they will have a special priority hotline to report their intelligence to detectives.

Anorak pictures the following scene:

CSA: You there, Stop! CSA!
Ne’erdowell: Nice badge.
CSA: Hand over your alcohol, cigarettes and… is this your push bike.
NDW: That your badge?
CSA: Yes. It’s..
NDW: Give it here.
NDW rips bade off CSA’s feldgrau jumper.
CSA: Your c***
NDW: Police! Help. CSA down and subjected to verbal abuse. Send help. Quick…

Cue mayhem…

Posted: 27th, August 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids Comments (9) | TrackBack | Permalink