Kate Middleton: The most hateful Royal baby souvenirs

DUCHESS Catherine Windsor, nee Kate Middleton, is expecting a baby. The excitement outside the maternity wards at London’s St Mary’s hospital is at fever pitch. They are there to stare. But not only stare. Some subjects have prepared gifts. Let’s take a look at them:

Yummy Ma’am

With the big Royal Event of the year hotly anticipated, we love these delightful designs by David Luff. They offer a very affectionate celebration of the new Royal Baby.

Caitlin Moran speaks for many:

This kid isn’t even born yet and they’re making merchandise for it: McLaggan Smith Mugs is selling a cup that says “Yummy Ma’am” on it. CW isn’t much one for hating inanimate objects, but it would conservatively brand that cup “the most hateful thing on Earth”.

The Royal Baby Range from Milly Green

To commemorate the impending arrival of the Royal Baby, Milly Green has designed a quintessentially British range of fine bone china items and gift stationery; the perfect gifts to celebrate our new prince or princess.

Moran again:

Designer Milly Green, meanwhile, has launched a range of fine bone china items for children — including a plate decorated with Kate and William’s dog, Lupo, a crown-wearing corgi and a pram bearing the initials “HRH”.

“I added their dog Lupo, which I hope will make them laugh. They are a fun couple,” Green said.

As a keen student of human emotion, CW suspects that this plate might not actually “make” Kate and William “laugh”. It suspects that a complete stranger painting their pet dog on to a plate to commemorate the birth of their baby and then selling it for £9.99 won’t make them “laugh” at all. It will make them want to climb in a cupboard, quietly whispering: “That’s just weird. Why are you doing this? We don’t know you. Please go away.”

A map of St Mary’s Hospital in Praed Street, London

The Press Association have issued this map of the hospital. Freak, Royal geeks, stalkers, snappers, nutters, kidnappers and anyone and everyone can study the map and plan their route to instance notoriety.

But you’re not my mummy

Pam Cooper from the Mask-arade mask company loads boxes of Prince William and Kate, Duchess of Cambridge masks ready for dispatch at the company works in Southam , England Thursday June 6, 2013. Mask-arade are in overdrive printing masks of Kate and William for the street parties that will follow the announcement of the birth of the Royal baby, expected in July. Normally, the company has 2,000 masks on hand. But for the royal birth, they will whip up 20,000 to meet the expected demand. (AP Photo/Martin Cleaver)

Pam Cooper from the Mask-arade mask company loads boxes of Prince William and Kate, Duchess of Cambridge masks ready for dispatch at the company works in Southam , England Thursday June 6, 2013. Mask-arade are in overdrive printing masks of Kate and William for the street parties that will follow the announcement of the birth of the Royal baby, expected in July. Normally, the company has 2,000 masks on hand. But for the royal birth, they will whip up 20,000 to meet the expected demand.

People using the map above should get one of these.

Peeping Toms

Because men stood on ladders by the maternity ward is totally acceptable behaviour.

The baby’s the one in Kate’s toddler arms

The Political Artist Kaya Mar stands with his Duchess and baby art work outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary's Hospital in Paddington, where the Duchess of Cambridge will give birth later this month, in south Wharf Road central London.

The Political Artist Kaya Mar stands with his Duchess and baby art work outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington, where the Duchess of Cambridge will give birth later this month, in south Wharf Road central London.

The Doll

For those of you not able to kidnap the actual child, you can buy a doll, much like this one of the young Wills: