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Posts Tagged ‘Iowahawk’

Presidential Candidate Iowahawk Is Screening Calls: Obama Is Also Out

IOWAHAWK explains the US voting rigmarole to the Britis: Obama out.

You Have 24 Unanswered Messages

*BEEP*

Hello, this is Congressman Chuck Harbinson calling to remind you to vote tomorrow, Tuesday November 2nd. As your representative from the 3rd District, I have worked hard to bring positive change through my support for the Health Care Reform Act, as well as the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act which created the new Turnip ethanol plant and nearly a dozen new high-paying jobs right here in the Quint Cities. I am proud to have earned the endorsement of the Claxon-Ledger, the United Turnip Workers Union, and President Obama. So when you cast that vote tomorrow, Tuesday November 2nd, won’t you please pull the lever for me, Congressmen Chuck Harbinson? Thanks, and have a great evening.

*BEEP*

Hello, this is Congressman Chuck Harbinson again. Look, I just wanted to make sure you didn’t get the wrong impression from that last robocall. I think I mentioned something about an endorsement from President Obama. Okay, yeah, he endorsed me, technically, but really, don’t read too much into that. It’s really more of a formality kinda thing. Candidly, I’m considered a pretty big independent here in DC, reaching across the aisle and all that. So pull that lever tomorrow for me, Congressman Chuck “The Maverick” Harbinson.

*BEEP*

What exactly do we know about Mike Pflugenboom? Sure, Mike Pflugenboom says he is a small businessman. But who is pulling Mike Pflugenboom’s strings? The Claxon-Ledger reports that Mike Pflugenboom has taken nearly $5000 in secret donations from Big Turnip and their foreign friends. Mike Pflugenboom — too extreme for the 3rd District, too extreme for America. I’m Chuck Harbinson and I approve this message.

*BEEP*

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Posted: 2nd, November 2010 | In: Politicians | Comment


The Search For A Right-Wing Villain – An Iowahawk Reality TV Special

FROM Allahpundit comes late breaking Washington showbiz news that another slasher flick fromWhite HouseSulzbergerCBS Narrative Films has landed with a thud at the box office. As a result the studio will drop promising newcomer villain John Boehner and greenlight a big budget sequel starring – wait for it – Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh, writs Iowahawk.

More than anything, what really chaps my hide about this development is the lack of imagination. Why should these same boring overexposed studio “stars” get to hog all the limelight, when there are tens of millions of undiscovered amateur right wingers out here with the raw talent to become America’s Next Top Media Scare Figure?

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Posted: 14th, September 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Obama Delivers Third Quarter Message To People Of Iran

ahmadinejad-votesIOWAHAWK, of Chicago – now twinned with Tehran! – picks up President Obama’s “Special Message to the People of Iran” over the Twitter Chatter:

To clarify, my only real concern is over sportsmanship. In democracies like ours elections can sometimes be difficult and messy. “Politics ain’t beanbag,” as we also say over here. As I learned on the basketball courts and ward precincts of Chicago, the birthplace of modern Democracy, a hard fought game sometimes involves a little trash talk, an occasional sharp elbow, or a mysteriously malfunctioning scoreboard. But this doesn’t mean we always have to resort to flagrant fouls, or angrily shooting our opponent in the parking lot, just because he showboated after a layup. Let’s all remember the lesson of Ron Artest — charging into the stands and savagely beating a heckler might feel good at first, but in the end it just might mean losing that big shoe contract with Nike.

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Posted: 18th, June 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment


F1 To Race Grand Prix On Snow

ski-dubai-f1OLD Mr Anorak’s kindred spirit Iowahawk is celebrating Earth Week by celebrating what Earth has to give us by way of fuels and precious ores.

“Let the carbonating begin!”

And first a video word from our sponsors at the F1 grid at Ski Dubai, Dubai, The Desert:

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Posted: 21st, April 2009 | In: Sports | Comment


The Song Of Iowahawk

IT’S National Iowahawk Day. And Dan Collins has evoked a song.

It’s National Iowahawk Day.

At the bending of the river
Where it bows the brackish water
In the fertile land of Hawkeyes
Where the Hy-Vee vends its groceries
And employees own the business
There was taught the Iowahawk.

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Posted: 13th, March 2009 | In: Reviews | Comment


Iowahawk On The Chicago Village Obama Left Behind

IOWAHAWK on Obama Village: It Takes a Proverb to Run a Village

As grad student experts have long taught us, Western culture is quick to marginalize and devalue knowledge from the “Other.” For example, look at the recent ridicule aimed at the “Egg of Power” sculpture President Obama keeps in the Oval Office. There is a disturbing hint of racism to the ridicule, because that sculpture happens to refer to a traditional proverb that comes from, depending on how you Google it, either Kenya or a 1993 Hallmark Kwanzaa card. Would these critics be so cavalier in their snickering if the president had brought some traditional white art, like a Successories poster or replica Harry Potter wand?

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Posted: 30th, January 2009 | In: Politicians | Comments (5)


2009: Anorak’s Diary

2009 – That Was The Year That Was: Anorak’s diary for the upcoming 12 months…

JANUARY

Barack Obama makes history as the first African-American sworn in as President of the United States; Invoking legacy of Franklin Roosevelt, promises America “nine years of economic depression, four years of world war, eventual nuking of Japan”

Obama supporters left disappointed as oceans remain at static levels, planet fails to heal self, Dow drops below zero

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Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (21)


Nationwide Terror Probe Nets Hundreds Of PM Irritants

COUNTER-TERRORISM POLICE today rounded up hundreds of Britons suspected of membership in organizations described as “irritating” to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The exact number was not released, but police officials said that many more are expected, “depending on the Prime Minister’s mood this morning.”

“Our sole purpose is to keep citizens safe from the threat of international terrorism,” said Thomas Ayckroyd, a spokesman for the Home Office. “While these detainees may all be British citizens, they were clearly engaged in treasonous acts designed to destabilize Her Majesty’s government by embarrassing, irritating, or otherwise inconveniencing the Prime Minister.”

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Posted: 4th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (14)


Barack Obama’s Crack Team Inhales Bill Clinton

BARACK Obama’s “Crack Team” is introduced to readers of the Sydney Morning Herald.

As Anorak writer Iowahawk puts it:

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Posted: 25th, November 2008 | In: Politicians | Comment


NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, ‘If You Want To Be Technical About It’

NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, “If You Want to Be Technical About It”, by David Burge, Anorak Satire Correspondent

AN NHS DOCTOR accused of car bombings in London and Glasgow has admitted in court that he is a terrorist according to English law.

“Sure, I guess, if you insist on stereotyping anybody who blows up a few car bombs or drives a flaming Jeep into an airport as a quote-unquote ‘terrorist,'” said Bilal Abdulla, 29, sarcastically making air quote gestures with burnt stubby fingers as prosecutors read him the legal definition of terrorism.

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Posted: 18th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts | Comments (10)


Iowahawk Says ‘Watcha Cocks’

‘ELLO “Mateys”!!!

Dave Burge here, from “across the pond” in the good ol’ “U.S. of A.,” where I am proud to be joining the new Anorak as a “writer.” Although I originally hail from Iowa — your former American colony famous for its delicious corn and pigs and methamphetamines — I currently reside in the “Windy City” of Chicago, home to Barack Obama and many other celebrity mobsters. In the U.S. I blog as “Iowahawk” but thanks to Anorak’s new lowered standards I will be dropping in occasionally to report the latest on politics and pop culture from this side of the Pacific.

When editor Paul Sorene invited me to join Anorak as a correspondent, he warned me that I may not always translate very good because “we are two countries separated by a common language.” After thinking about it for a minute, I’m like, “whoa dude, that don’t even make sense.” And then he’s all, “it’s a famous saying by George Bernard Shaw.” So I go, “hey scro, tell this George Bernard Whatever to put down his crackpipe, because ol’ Dave knows him a thing or two about talking to you Limey wankers.”

Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts | Comments (49)