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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

How Many BBC Hacks Does It Take To Cover The Olympics?

THE Olympics are in Beijing this year. The BBC is to send 150 staff to cover the Beijing Olympics, according to the Daily Telegraph.

The plan which will cost £1 million.

According to the Britsh Olympic Association, Great Britain will be sending around 300 athletes to compete in the game.

There will be 5,600 accredited written and photographic press covering the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.The BBC is sending one hack for every two British competitors.

Your licence fee. Your shout. Their junket…

Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (6)


Spielberg Snubs Olympics And Paris Hilton Snubs Darfur

“SPIELBERG snubs the Olympics.” So says the Express on news that Hollywood film director Stephen Spielberg is boycotting the Beijing Olympic Games. Big news, right up there with:

Paris Hilton snubs Darfur
Sarah Ferguson snubs Nobel Peace Prize
Gordon Smart snubs Pulitzer
Osama bin Laden snubs Baftas

And many more…

Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


On This Day In Football, With Roy Of The Rovers

ROY of the Rovers remembers:

 “On this day in 1981 – I discover that my wife Penny has flown off on holiday to Crete – without me!”

Modern translation:

“Penny’s bikini break bust up!”  

Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Sweet FA Move To Stop Swearing At Football

roy-of-the-rovers.jpg“RED card for the curse of football,” says the Mail, noticing a plan to curtail swearing on the pitch.

The scheme, pioneered by the Football Association, a famous up-to-the-minute body, is for a “zero tolerance” policy to cursing on the field of play.

Swear at the referee and you’re off. Better still, swear at all and you can wash your mouth out in the early bath.

Says an FA spokesman: “People in general need to have a lot more respect for one another. By fostering a new approach on the pitch not only do we hope to clean up the game but hopefully some of it will rub off into everyday life.”

The FA enjoys thinking of itself as setting the standards by which we all live, rather than presiding over a game that reflects the greater society.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (5)


Giving Full Chest To Gemma Atkinson

gemma-amy.pngSAYS Gemma Atkinson: “I’ve written down all the good and bad things that have happened to me in the past year to turn into lyrics…I knows I’m going to have a fight to be taken seriously, but I love a challenge.”

Gemma is embarking on the singing portion of her model/actress/singer/presenter career, and has it seems been studying the greats.

Like Amy Winehouse, Gemma (“My boobs are back”) appears on the Star’s cover page clad in a bra. Sadly, the bra is pink and not Winehouse red.

Better luck next time , Gemma. Don’t give up!

Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Paul McCartney Is Dead To Heather Mills

abbeyroad.jpg“WE CAN WORK IT OUT,” says the Mirror, words hang around pictures of Lady Heather Mills and Paul McCartney.

“WE CAN WORK IT OUT,” says the Sun on its front page.

The biggest divorce in town should end soon. And then Heather will go her way.

And Paul will reveal that he really did die in a car crash, and was replaced by a lookalike on the cover of Abbey Road.

And the world will learn that Heather has just divorced Hank Marvin…

Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)


Australia’s First Muslim Cricketer Usman Khawaja

CAN Usman Khawaja learn to sledge?

Posted: 11th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


The Gordon Brown Jinx: Manchester United

GORDON Brown was at Manchester United at the weekend? United lost 1-2 to Manchester City.

It was the first time United have lost at home to City in 34 years.

Every international football and rugby match Brown has attended since he has become leader has ended in defeat for England or Scotland.

David Beckham met with Gordon Brown and was then dropped from the England team.

Is Gordon Brown cursed?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 11th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (3)


UK Athletes Not Banned From Speaking At China Olympics

AS reported: “British athletes will not be banned from commenting on political issues at the Beijing Olympics, the British Olympic Association has said.”

It clarified its position after it was revealed that a contract which all athletes must sign includes a specific clause about political issues.

BOA chief executive Simon Clegg said it was not the intention to “restrict athletes’ freedom of speech”.

Shame. Only one thing is more boring than listening to athletes talk – listening to ex-athletes talking to them or about them…

Posted: 10th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Lewis Hamilton: Not A Victim Of Racists

hamilton_abuse.jpgSAYS Toni Calderon, one of seven friends who painted their faces black and wore T-shirts bearing the legend “HAMILTON FAMILY” at a race circuit near Barcelona: “I’m no racist.”

He goes on: “I would like to apologise to Lewis Hamilton and his family if our actions caused any offence.”

So that’s that. It was just a laugh, no different to cricket fans who turn up to matches dressed as Elvises, Arabs or Anthea Turner.

Now the jokers have apologised, Formula 1 fans can get on with the matter in hand, talking about watching cars go round and round and round and round and round and round and waiting for the fastest car to win, or crash…

Posted: 8th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)


Autograph Hunters Denied Thrill Of The Kill

TWO businessmen stand accused of selling merchandise bearing forged autographs.

It is alleged that such items as a signed picture of Ronaldo (the Portuguese version, as opposed to the two Brazilian greats of the same name), an England cap autographed by Steven Gerrard and a rugby jersey personalised by Jonny Wilkinson are fakes.

The accused deny any wrongdoing. The trial continues.

But it is all cheating on the part of the customer. The thrill of seeing a famous face requires proof, and so an autograph. There is also the excitement of meeting the mystery celebrity, the one you see signing autographs freely and invite to sign your piece of paper.

You then spend an age trying work out who he was.

But just buying the picture with the star’s name on it not enough unlike buying passnote books to the full works of literature. It is autograph hunting without the chase.

It’s cheating, fame by association and desperately sad.

Yours, Vanessa Feltz…

Posted: 8th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Breaching The Peace On Public Silences

munich.jpg

A MINUTE’S silence, if you will, for the eight Manchester United players who perished in 1957.

Eight journalists were among the 23 killed in Munich, and the newspapers may consider a minute’s silence for them, too.

A minute’s silence was tried at Wembley, before England and Switzerland kicked off. The journalists were quiet. But the referee blew his whistle after 27 seconds (Times), 28 seconds (Independent), 23 seconds (Sun). (Watches should be co-ordinated to avoid confusion.)

There were the isolated catcalls in the expensive seats, a few irritating bursts of “Shhhhhhh!”, but the biggest din was made by the German referee blowing his whistle (28 seconds) to get the match going.

The Times wonders if the minute’s silence can be attained this Sunday, when Manchester United play Manchester City and referee Howard Webb “blows his whistle at 1:29 – the hour of kick-off, not the lengthening silence.

The pundits will listen out for a “few idiots” breaching the peace. Indeed, the silence has been so talked about, so hyped, that some may find it irresistible to break. Shouting out may appear as an act of rebellion in the face of much right-mindedness and consensual thinking.

You Only Do What We Tell You

At a recent Arsenal v West Ham United match the visiting West Ham fans chanted “Stand up if you hate Tottenham”.

The Arsenal fans in the vicinity stood.

“Sit down if you hate Tottenham,” chanted the Hammers. The Arsenal fans sat.

“You only do what we tell you,” came the final chant. And they were right.

Fans should do what they are told, lest they behave like, well, football fans.

How To Guarantee The Full Minute

And the full minute’s silence will be observed. And here’s how to make sure we all obey.

As soon a silence is broken, referee Howard Webb should restart his stopwatch. This will go on until the full minute’s silence has been observed, not 23 seconds, not 28 seconds, not even 58.9 seconds.

We will all stay behind until it is done. It is what we are all screaming for…

gunnersmascot.jpg(This game of Hammers Says followed right behind a minute’s silence for the death of Motherwell captain Phil O’Donnell. It was impeccably observed. Although, the Anorak confesses that had he spotted, as Anorak’s Ed Barrett did, the Arsenal mascot, the ten-foot high, livid green Gunnasaurus, with arms behind back and head bowed, the mind may have wondered.)

Posted: 8th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


The Premier League Moves Overseas

liverpool1.jpgADIOS Premier League: “The English Premier League is considering the idea of staging some matches around the rest of the world.

“At a meeting in London on Thursday, all 20 clubs agreed to explore a proposal to extend the season to 39 games.

“Those 10 extra games would be played at five different venues, with cities bidding for the right to stage them.”

Can Leeds bid? What about Exeter?

And can the supporters who go week in week out just step aside for the even more lucrative Asian and American fans.

Foreign players. Foreign fans. English mugs…

Pic Source

Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)


Fabio Capello Could Be A Jockey Wilson Among Men

ENGLAND beat Swiss might, and Fabio Capello, manager of dread ‘Team England’, appears on the Sun’s cover page.

Over four stills, Fabio introduces his fingers to his face.

The impression is that he is about to shock us all and pick his nose. The pressing of fingers over lips introduces the notion of Capello then eating his excavations.

Few things still shock us in the media, but picking a nose is one of them. When Gordon Brown picked his nose in the Commons, Anorak was both shocked and compelled to watch.

There is no shot of Capello inserting his digit up his nose, and he might not have picked it.
But if he wants to he surely will. Capello is his own man.

Much like a sporting great of past years, the darts player ‘Cocky’ Jocky Wilson. It was Wilson who said: “If my nose needs picking, I’ll pick it.”

And he was once a world champion…

Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Gemma Atkinson Dusts Herself Down

gemma-atkinson.jpg“GEMMA – she’s a real filthy girl,” says the Star’s front-page headline, just one day on from when the Wags were retired from public service.

With Wag no longer an official job, Gemma Atkinson, for it is she, is compelled to seek other means of gainful employment.

So here is Gemma in her knickers and bra, illustrating the news that she’s been asked to sit in a bath of mud (dry or wet?) for the occasion of a GMTV special.

If Gemma can talk about property prices and ‘strapless or strappy?’, she may well yet thrive…

Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


If Alan Shearer Were David Beckham

shearer-beckham.jpgREASON why Alan Shearer should never manage your club, No 121.

Says Alan Shearer in the Sun: “If I was Becks, I’ve have phoned Capello and said ‘Give me five or 10 minutes near the end so I can get my 100th cap and then I’ll go.”

The England football team is not a hobby, a sop to celebrity. Although what Newcastle United is can be debated…

Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comments (4)


The End Of The Wag: Wave Goodbye To Coleen And Gemma

wags.jpg“WAVE GOODBYE TO WAGS,” commands the Star.

You’d best stand on a stool or bed and lean out of a window because the Wags are overseas.

Goodbye, Coleen McLoughlin, says the Mail, waving so hard that Wayne Rooney’s whale-voiced lover turns her head to the side and looks out across the Caribbean seas.

Coleen is in Barbados. It’s front-page news in the Express. This is Coleen’s “new look”. It’s much like her old one, albeit in a leopard-print and not accessorised by a freckled man with sunburn.

Goodbye, Gemma Atkinson, who is said to be dating a footballer called Mr Bent. She’s in a bikini.

Wags are so out of fashion, notes the Star, that now only “one in 100 dream of being like sexy Gemma Atkinson… and teaming up with footie stars”.

The Star says this is clear evidence of the end of the Wag.

But Anorak estimates that the dream is over because with the addition of balloons and some food colouring anyone can be a Wag. No need to dream. This ia real.

It is also a fact that 99 in 100 women have slept with a footballer…

Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (4)


Victoria Beckham Helps Cheryl Cole

posh_beckham_cheryl.jpg“CHERYL TAKES THE RAT BACK.”

The votes are in. The columnists have made their views known. GMTV and Trevor McDonald have been in states of high alert.

And now Cheryl Cole makes her move. She will give Ashley Cole one last chance not to get caught cheating on her, as has been alleged.

Mrs Cole (see tattoo) will warn her footballer: “If you break my heart again, that’s it.”

The Star, for which this is front-page news, is disbelieving. “SHOULD SHE TAKE HIM BACK?” it asks. Readers can vote “NO” or YES”.

But the decision has been made, and the ruling comes from a higher power. The Star says Her Poshness Victoria Beckham has told Cheryl: “Get your hair done, put on some make-up, treat yourself to a posh frock, then brave the world.”

Cheryl would seem to be ahead of the game. And might it be that this is less Victoria’s personalised tip than it is an insight into her working day?

Debate rages…

Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Lewis Hamilton’s Name Is Blackened In Spain

lewis_hamilton-dwb.pngLEWIS Hamilton is RACE STORM.

The Sun sees “VILE TAUNTS” – taunts so file it overlooks the obvious pun and instead leads with “LEWIS IN RACISM STORM”.

The fear is that Hamilton has been pulled over by the police, suspected of DWB (Driving While Black) and on the receiving end of some heavy sarcasm.

Reading on we learn that Hamilton has been in Spain, going round and round and round and round (etc.) Barcelona’s Montmelo circuit.

Witnesses hear shouts of “black s***” and “f****** black”. Strapped to an engine, earplugs in ears and helmet on head, snuggled into his cockpit, Hamilton is unlikely to have heard the insults.

But he may have seen the banners, or banner, the one which read “Hamilton, you speak a lot of s***”.

Three pictures of Spanish race fans. One raises a finger (“abuse”). Another raises a finger on each hand (“vicious”). A third pulls cups her hands around her mouth (“yells”).
Racism is a stain on humanity, and the Sun is trying hard to spot some and show it to Hamilton.

“SPAIN MAY LOSE ITS GRAND PRIX OVER LEW ABUSE,” says the Sun.

It’s the talking point. It may very well turn out to be the F1 season’s talking point, vying with the Smints or Xtra garage forecourt debate for prominence as the cars go round and round and round and round…

Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (6)


China Executes The Rain

killing-rain.jpgRAIN, rain go away, go away, do not comeback another day or you will be shot by the Chinese Olympic movement.

The bureau of weather modification reports:

The bureau of weather modification was established in the 1980s and is now believed to be the largest in the world. It has a reserve army of 37,000 people—most of them sort of weekend warriors who are called to duty during unusual droughts. The bureau has 30 aircraft, 4,000 rocket launchers and 7,000 antiaircraft guns …

The rain has nothing but persistence…

Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Nicolas Anelka Is Tongue Tied

anelka-tongue.jpgREPORTS the New of the World, in conversation with “shop girl” Natalie Merriman: Nicolas Anelka, footballer: “THRILLED her in bed with his astonishing gymnastic tongue.”

This may explain why po-faced Anelka, nicknamed Le Sulk, rarely if ever opens his mouth, the living brand taking care to keep his powder dry for when he runs out of clubs to play for and needs a new career.

Today Chelsea, tomorrow a Baga Award 3 in tongnastics…

Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


English Rugby’s First Hermaphrodite, David Strettle

BANNER at England v Wales rugby union match:

God made man
God made woman
God made Strettle

Last one to the shower’s a hermaphrodite…

Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comments (3)


The Top 25 Cricket Catches

Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Shantha Sreesanth On Sreesanth

SPORTSMEN talking in the third person is always a treat. Alan Shearer will always do what is right for Alan Shearer.  
Indian cricketer Shantha Sreesanth will remain Sreesanth:

“I love the spotlight. The Aussies should be worried I am coming,” says Sreesanth.

“Sreesanth’s way is to be aggressive. Sreesanth will always remain Sreesanth.”

In the Australia v India 20-20 match, Sreeanth was out first ball…
Via

Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Cheryl Cole And Ashley’s 18-Month Itch

itching.jpgHAS Cheryl Cole developed the 18-month itch?

Right now Cheryl is deciding what to do about her footballer, Ashley Cole.

It’s hard to know what to do for the best, what with Polly Hudson in the Mirror advising one thing and the GMTV team yet to make a united judgement.

And what of the itching? In “CHERLY: SEX TEST FEAR OVER ASHLEY”, Star readers learn “PRAY BITCH DIDN’T LEAVE YOU AN ITCH”.

It turns out that “DEVASTATED” Cheryl Cole “fears for her sexual health”. This after the news that one Aimee Walton says she slept with Cole’s

footballer, a claim echoed by mod-el Brooke Healy, who added that sex with said footballer was unprotected (although she claims the footballer’s

people paid her a sum of hush money by way of security).

Meanwhile, Cherly is, as reported, losing weight. The Sun says the singer has not eaten for a week. This is not some plan to get Cheryl in shape

for her next pop video, rather a reaction to her husband’s alleged philandering.

Nor is Cheryl to emabrk on her Itch Away The XTra Inch DVD workout. Although, Sceintists at the Michigan School of Dieting And Scratchology say itching can burn off more calories than sex…

Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Caption Competition, Tabloids | Comments (6)