Posts Tagged ‘Britain’s Got Talent’
Maltipoo proves Ant McPartlin is not a shit
The Sun doesn’t bother to hire a dog whisperer to translate what the pair of Mulitpoo dogs hooked in Ant McPartlin’s paws think of their new ‘owner’. But we do know that Ant (pedigree: Geordie) “kept them warm in his cosy jacket”. what else Ant keeps in his anorak is also left unsaid, and the pooches are advised to avid licking the ‘tic-tacs’.
Two more pages of Ant (not a shit) and his “2 poos” follow. We hear from a source (unnamed – pedigree: house-trained PR firm mutt), who tells us that Ant and his new love Anne-Marie (pedigree: a cross between Anne of Green Gables and Marie Antoinette) are in a “positive place”. No, not bed, you cynical sluts. Ant is taking a stroll on Wimbledon Common, and showing not the slightest hint of being affected by the man with camera tracking his every move. “Ant has never been so happy.” So there, Lisa (pedigree: ex-wife and former employee of aforesaid Anne-Marie).
By the way, the Sun lets it be know that Ant is now clean of booze and drugs (and Anne-Marie) and gainfully employed. You can keep track of his movements in your role as Ant Mentors as he treads the boards on TV show Britain’s Got Talent. First up is a man who says he can spin gold from a piece of shit. He works in PR and performs as ‘anonymous source’…
Posted: 4th, February 2019 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, News, Tabloids | Comment
Ant McPartlin: Britain’s Got Talent seeks new role model
Having heard Ant McPartlin hook up with the sympathetic Sun to trail the new season of Britain’s Got Talent as part of the star’s rehab programme, more papers lead with the celebrity who in less PR-driven times could be termed a love rat, troubled and drink-drive maniac.
The Express, Sun and Metro all lead not with Ant’s new partner, the rock-like Anne–Marie, rather Dec, the second part of the presenter’s double act. Dec was “angry” when Ant as arrested for drink-driving (Sun). Dec is laughing now he’s back on the telly with Ant (Metro). Ant is terrified that Holly Willoughby, who stepped in to present I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! will replace him. She may even be more liked by the public, what with her being vivacious, witty, not shagging her partner’s now former PA, not driving drunk into a car carrying a couple and their young child, and not taking drugs. Willoughby was a stop up in evolutionary terms.
Ant’s rehabilitation is all well and good – and good for him for finding a blonde fossil on which to build an empire. But this is surely about Simon Cowell, without whom Britain would be virtually talent free. What should have happened is that this series was made all about the presenters, a talent show for who can partner Dec or replace him and Ant entirely. If you’ve a dying granny, are a single dad with hair on the list of UNESCO sites of special scientific interest and/ or once shagged the aforesaid Cowell and are looking for a return favour, get in touch. Criminal records and failed blood tests are no barrier. Cowell missed a trick.
Posted: 21st, January 2019 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, News, Tabloids | Comment
Lisa Armstrong prepared to part with her half her fortune to get shot of Ant McPartlin
When Ant McPartlin’s lawyers thrash out any divorce settlement with his estranged wife Lisa Armstrong, they may refer to the Sun’s reporting on the family fortune.
In today’s paper the news is that Amanda Holden and Alesha Dixon have been “comforting” Lisa and offering “real support”. That news of their good hearts should emerge just as Britain’s Got Talent, the show on which the pair work as judges hits the PR circuit, is surely coincidental and not opportunistic tosh pulled from cynicism’s deepest mine.
Of more interest is that Sun’s news that Ant is “prepared to part with half his £62m fortune”. You might suppose that money accrued by childhood sweethearts who’ve ben married for 11 years would belong to both of them. The message could be: “Lisa is prepared to part with half her fortune”?
And it’s not £62m. Well, not according to the, er, Sun it isn’t.
One thing is clear: in the tabloids the money is always his and not hers.
Posted: 16th, February 2018 | In: Celebrities, Money, News, Tabloids | Comment
Britain’s Got Talent: Beau Dermott and Jack Higgins are crying cousins
Front-page news in the Sun: “Britain’s Got Talent ballet sensation is Beau’s cousin.” The “sensation” is Jack Higgins, 14, a young stage school ballerina who “wowed” the TV show’s judges with his dancing, causing Amanda holden to gape and stop blinking, Simon Cowell to use up the expression he was saving for when he sees the face of Mamon, David Walliams to swoon and Alesha Dixon to hail it as the best thing ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
The best bit, of course, was that Jack cried. Tears are the cynical BGT’s pop shot, the moment of release. (Remember Hollie Steel who sobbed half-way through Edelweiss and triggered a race to see which celeb could reach her with the comfort hug? Hollie… Oh, never mind.)
Jack said he’d been “bullied for ballet since five”. He’s been at stage school for nine years, so you wonder who had been bullying him for that long – the smart money is on the tap dancing mob or the country dancing toughs?
Today the Sun tells us that Jack is related to Beau Dermott, the stage school singer who belted out a show tune one week earlier. Their mothers are twin sisters. To help us tell them apart. Jack’s mum Debbie is the one in the T-shirt yelling “GO JACK – BGT 2016”.
Jack says, “It would be amazing to both get to the final. We are completely different acts, so it wouldn’t feel like we were competing against each other.”
Not for you, maybe. But for your mums it could be. There will be T-shirts…
Posted: 18th, April 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Beau Dermott attacked in tabloids: media training 101
Beau Dermott is Britain’s Got Talent’s “sensation” (The Sun). West End musical Wicked has “reached out to her”. Beau, 12, is on the celebrity treadmill. Beau says that on an excitement scale of of ten, she is “TEN!”
Beau Dermott might be less excited at her appearance on the Star’s front page, where the headline labels her a “CHEAT”. How? Is she a 29-year-old professional opera singer? Was she miming over a backing tape? The Star soon tells us: “Star wannabe, 12, a stage school veteran.”
Can you be a veteran of anything at 12 – jelly, maybe, and burping? The Star thinks so, telling us that Beau has had singing lessons at “top arts school – despite her mum saying it was a big thing to perform”. The Star soon realises its scoop holds less water than Simon Cowell’s hairnet, continuing the story on Page 18.
The Star says “no reference was made to the fact, Beau, from Widnes, Cheshire, has had vocal training at the StagePro Academy in Warrington for five years”.
Other things not referenced on the show: pictures are manipulated; Amanda Holden is an actress; making Beau cry is ‘good telly’.”
Posted: 12th, April 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Britain’s Got Talent Shock: Matisse IS a dog
From the tip of his jet black hair to the apex of his breast-feeding-ready shirts, Simon Cowell is all about the authentic experience. It stands to reason that more than most he should be shocked and saddened to discover that Britain’s Got Talent winner Matisse is a “FAKE”.
Cowell has woken, licked his eyeballs and like us read that the shocking news that Matisse the dog is in actual fact a dog.
The revelation that Matisse was not Ant and Dec in a suit is repeated in the Daily Express.
Is this the final straw for Britain’s Got Talent viewers, who must now ask questions about the show? Is Amanda Holden really an eight-yeat-old child playing dress up? Will Alesha Dixon cement her role as Nation’s Sweetheat by punching a black toilet attendant in the face? Is David Walliams a product of CGI?
Posted: 2nd, June 2015 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Amanda Holden: Simon Cowell Can Have Her Nipples For £2m
Pull the other one
Amanda Holden heralds the start of vaudevillian Britain’s Got Talent season whatever by telling the Sun she wants her nipples are insured for £2m. The Sun works out that each nipple is worth £1m apiece. But we think they’d struggle to branch out on solo careers as holders for wet donkey jackets or Deal or No Deal presenters, being better off together and attached to the adamite Holden superstructure.
Says Amanda:
“I decided if it was good enough for Kylie Minogue’s bum or Mariah Carey’s legs, it is definely required for my nipples.”
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Posted: 10th, April 2015 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Simon Cowell commentates as Pudsey the dog urinates on a tyre in Sarratt
WHAT news of Britain’s Got Talent winner Pudsey? Well, Pudsey has been filming Pudsey: The Movie. The Watford Observer reports that he’s gone a bit Depardieu and urinated on a Bovingdon man’s car while filming in Sarratt. This might be news if Pudsey were human. But it’s a dog. When Pudsey starts urinating as he opens the batting for England, then it’s news.
The first canine winner of ITV talent show Britain’s Got Talent has been spotted in Sarratt, relieving himself on a car wheel.
Was that in the script?
In the film Simon Cowell will be the voice of a pooch pal of the Britain’s Got Talent dog, while Mr Cowell’s fellow judge David Walliams will take on the voice of Pudsey.
A talking dog?
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Posted: 25th, September 2013 | In: Celebrities, Film | Comment
Britain’s Got Talent: Cowell egger Natalie Holt could be as big as Nikitta Angus
“EGGSTEMIST” Natalie Holt enlivened Richard and Adam’s crooning on the Britain’s Got Talent live finale by chucking eggs at Simon Cowell. Britain’s Got Talent Holt says she did it because she was upset at being asked to pretend to play the violin on stage. She says it was a “stand against people miming on television and against Simon Cowell and against his influence on the music industry.”
Natalie is 30. In the clip below she’s grinning as she chucks the eggs. It’s almost as if – as if – it was a stunt. If it wasn’t, why didn’t Natalie do something less telegenic, like stick her fingers down her throat and throw up or read aloud a letter full of Cowell’s limp put downs for the losers he once would have wilfully signed (see his work with Roland Rat, Chaos, Girl Thing, and Robson and Jerome) and asked him why none of the eligible bachelor’s lovers kiss ‘n’ tell. Who needs a super-in junction when you’re pernickety Simon Cowell?
Holt went with raw eggs. Cowell should have caught them unbroken before the cameras pan around to see the crowd agog at this talent. Or else fellow judge David Walliams might have lept across the bench uttering an action film hero’s “Noooooooooooooo!” as he took a pelting in the face for the leader.
As it was, Cowell said he just removed his jacket, which had a spot of egg on it. Holt apologised. And the Sun invited someone called Storm Lee to tell us:
“A lot of people would like to egg Simon. His influence is such that if you are not liked by him as a musician you are out of luck.”
If he likes you, you get to be big as Cheeky Monkeys, Janey Cutler, Kieran Gaffney, Kieran Gaffney, Only Boys Aloud, Ronan Parke, Connie Talbot, Nikitta Angus, Austin Drage…
Posted: 10th, June 2013 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment
Britain’s Got Talent 2013 Episode 1: Gay Simon, Dec’s bed hair, Alice Fredenham and Jack Carroll
IT’S BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT 2013, and in spite of the cynicism and manipulation we will be watching. And in show one we will be looking out for:
Is Simon Cowell gay?
BGT judge Amanda Holden tells the Sun:
“I don’t think he’s gay and I’ve got a really good radar. I’ve known people were gay before they knew they were gay… Simon’s a spirogyra. He’s a single-celled sex atom. He might have a little dabble. I think he needs the company of women. He needs to have sex but he doesn’t need to get married, he doesn’t need company in that way. He just needs to have a dip in and out as it were. Dip in and out, keep the cab running and go home.
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Posted: 13th, April 2013 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Michael Jackson impersonator kidnaps child
To Blackburn, Lancashire, where Anisa Khansia, 30, is missing her son Amani, 2. He was kidnapped by his Turkish father, Mehmet Baki Sakaraglu. They were on holiday in Marmaris in June 2011. Mr Sakaraglu is on the run in Turkey.
The Lancashire Telegraph adds:
Anisa also claims Mr Sakaraglu stole Amani to avenge his humiliation on Britain’s Got Talent, which he appeared on in 2010 as Michael Jackson.
It’s what Jackson would have wanted…
Spotter: Karen
Pudsey the dog signs his own death warrant with warts and all autobiography
THIS Christmas, you can read Pudsey the Dog’s autobiography. Pudsey is the winner of Britain’s Got Talent. Pudsey has been signed by Little & Brown for £350,000.
The dog has talent to burn.
Perhaps Pudsey has been wearing the Bowlingual Voice microphone that translates a dog’s barks into human speech?
Of course, what we love bet about our pets is that they cannot talk. We get to humanise them. Dogs and cats know what they want. And the fun is in believing you are giving it to them. To learn that your dog is unhappy with its bedding or your cat prefers your blue dress to the green would be problematic. Worse if your pet thinks you to be stupid. Goldfish owners would be shocked to learn that they think humans are dim. The humans who stare at them opening and closing their moths and fill their bowls with sunken wrecks.
Dogs will wonder why humans are so obsessed with throwing a ball. Humans give cats balls of wool but no knitting needles.
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Posted: 5th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Hoffman, Kunis and Walsh star in Celebrity Savers
TV executives looking for the next big strand – a dog named Pudsey has just won Britain’s Got Talent, a sign that Simon Cowell’s dumb animal circuses have reached their goal – could consider Celebrity Savers, a TV show in which stars rescue ‘ordinary’ members of the public from a disaster. (Celebrity charity gigs and quiz shows are old hat. Direct action is required, and stopping short of getting Olly Murs to conduct open heart surgery on a child, heroism is the way to go.)
The ‘process’ in already well advanced. This week we’ve seen ‘Marathon Man’ Dustin Hoffman save the life of a jogger named Sam Dempster, who suffered a cardiac arrest while out jogging in London’s Hyde Park. Hoffman was billed as a hero in the press for dialling 999.
Paramedic Martin Macarthur and Luke Sullivan raced to the scene. They used a defibrillator on Mr Dempster. It could be argued that it was these trained medic who saved the jogger’s life. But the joy of spotting a star cannot be understated, and Mr Sullivan seems keen to appear on Celebrity Savers, telling media:
“He was the calmest person I have ever seen in that situation. He had witnessed someone collapse and crash into the tarmac, he witnessed us doing CPR and defibrillating, and witnessed him waking up. He said to us ‘good job guys’ and calmly walked away.”
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Posted: 13th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Britain’s Got Talent star goes barking mad – literally
BRITAIN’S Got Talent has claimed a victim: Buddy has gone into rehab. Buddy’s rep Pippa Langhorne, of Bromsgrove, tells the Sunday Mercury:
“He became a little diva. He really just wanted to be left alone and live a dog’s life. He started barking and growling because he realised it would keep people away from him.”
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Posted: 12th, April 2012 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Simon Cowell finds intruder in his house! Everyone looks at Louis Walsh
IMAGINE the horror of someone breaking into your house with a mental look in their eye. Of course, if it happened to you, no-one actually cares. You have to be famous for people to show sympathy about such matters. And Simon Cowell, a man who doesn’t get much kindness from the world, found himself with a nutter in his house!
No, it wasn’t Louis Walsh masturbating in the lean-to.
Cowell had just settled down in his London mansion on Saturday night to watch himself on ITV’s Jonathan Ross show (of course he’s the kind of person who watches himself on television) when he heard a noise.
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Posted: 26th, March 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Jonathan Antoine wins Britain’s Got Talent – God smiles
WHO is Britain Got Talent’s Jonathan Antoine, aka Jonathan Stavvy Antoine, of Jonathan and Charlotte? Will the Essex teenager (17) make it to Celebrity Big Brother? Will he be mated with Susan Boyle? Will he ditch Charlotte Jaconelli, 16, the fanciable sidekick who proves he is not socially inept and can befriend girls?
The Mail says Jonthan is “following in the footsteps of Susan Boyle”. To the fridge? No, to fame and fortune as the authentic face of manhood. It was Botox-studded Holden who told us of Boyle:
“The minute we turn her into a glamour puss is when it’s spoiled. I won’t let Simon Cowell take her to his dentist and I certainly won’t let her near his hairdresser.”
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Posted: 24th, March 2012 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Britain’s Got Talent 2012 Week one: Johnathan is that SuBo moment
IT’S Britain’s Got Talent 2012: Week 1: Which one will win? Which one will entertain? Which one will be in the Celebrity Big Brother House next year? And how will Carmen Electra be lynched by the mob? The Sun, told us that a judiciary without without Amanda Holden was awful:
“Their chants urging bosses to bring back new mum Amanda Holden grew so lairy..warmup man Ian Royce was forced to make an onstage appeal for calm.”
No one died. Bu one man lived. Here’s Jonathan! And Charlotte. But Jonathan needs to ditch Charlotte. Jonathan is 17. He’s ungainly, untelegenic and causes Simon Cowell to issue a pre-performance sneer on camera – like they did when Susan Boyle came on. But then – get this – he can sing. And so too can Charlotte. But Charlotte, 16, is fanciable and if Mr SuBo is going to make it is an unlikely unshaggable singer he needs to ditch the bird.
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Posted: 24th, March 2012 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Simon Cowell models his new look – it’s BGT 2012
WE spotted Simon Cowell posing with fans at the launch screening of Britain’s Got Talent at the BFI in London.
The TV schedules work in seasons. You know when BGT is in town when you see the aaction figure Simon Cowell, a man physically designed to sit behind a desk and lick his eyes. The contest – as it is every year – is to work out what work he’s had done – and discover who he’s dating. It’s the kind fo fun and games that enliven a dark day in a recession.
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Posted: 22nd, March 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Amanda Holden wins Britain’s Got Talent with the Hollie Rose show
AMANDA Holden has had a baby. The birth of a child is a joyous thing and the red-tops do not overstate the arrival on planet Earth of Hollie Rose:
The Sun (front page): “HOLDEN the baby – First pic of Hollie Rose”
The Mirror (front page): “HOLDEN THE BABY”
Daily STar (front page): “AMANDA MIRACLE BABY – FIRST PICTURE”
Of course this is not really the first picture of Hollie Rose. This is the first picture of Amanda Holden holding Hollie Rose. Holden is the cougar judge on Britain Got Talent, the pushy head girl telling the hapless amateurs at the school of showbiz where they are going wrong and, with any luck, reducing them to tears.
It’s all about the presenter. Holden invests in her role as expert here to help your lowly lives by presenting her child for us to gaze upon.
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Posted: 6th, February 2012 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (11)
Britain’s Got Talent Manchester auditions in photos: Alesha Dixon is Alesha Beacon
BRITAIN’S Got Talent: Alesha Dixon was Alesha Beacon for the first auditions of 2012 Britain’s Got Talent at the Lowry Theatre in Salford, Manchester. Well, so says the blurb. Lots of the talent has already been handpicked, of course.
The real stars are there year on year. No, not Dixon, Simon Cowell and the judges. Ant ‘n’ Dec…Without them BGT is the X Factor and any other tired format.
12540101
Posted: 21st, January 2012 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Simon Cowell offers BGT winners a Branson Botox
SIMON Cowell, eye licker and peddler of great format telly that has for years spiced the bland ITV schedules with two massive hits is on the cover of the red-tops:
“COWELL: I’LL BLAST THE BGT WINNERS INTO SPACE” – Daily Mirror
“COWELL BLASTS TV CHAMP INTO SPACE” – Daily Star
“COWELL: I GOT IT WRONG” – The Sun
News is that the auditions for Britain’s Got Talent are off and running. Stage schools, shopping precincts, hairdressers and cruise ships have been mined for acts to enliven the format.
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Posted: 20th, January 2012 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Sweet Angelic Ronan Peake Led an Innocent Childhood in Norwich, Far Away From Simon Cowell
Simon Cowell has called in the police to get heavy with the anonymous blogger who suggested Simon Cowell had been grooming British Bieber-alike Ronan Parke for Britain’s Got Talent stardom.
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Posted: 5th, July 2011 | In: Technology | Comment
Simon Cowell Vomited Into His Hand At Ronan Parke Fix Claims
EMOTIONLESS Simon Cowell may seem, but there’s nothing wrong with his gut, as he produced enough bile to feel physically ill as claims of ‘FIX‘ swirled around him concerning warbling foetus, Ronan Parke.
That’s right. The desperately nauseous mogul felt ‘‘sick to the stomach” when an article claimed that 12-year-old Parke had already been earmarked as a winner for the wearisome Britain’s Got Talent – a show that also featured more than one elderly lady performing an erotic dance routine with some dogs.
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Posted: 8th, June 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Wayne Rooney: The X Factor Judge
ANYONE could be a judge on Britain’s Got Talent or the X Factor. The judges aren’t chosen for their knowledge in talent or music (if that were the case, do you honestly think that Amanda Holden would be near your screen, ever?), but rather, for their confidence in front of camera and, presumably, their nepotistic friendship with Simon Cowell doesn’t do any harm either.
And so, it is obvious that Wayne Rooney should be a judge on the next series. Why? Mainly because he’s famous and thick.
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Posted: 6th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jai McDowall Wins Britain’s Got Talent: Matt Cardle Kicks Telly
JAI McDowall is the winner of the Britain’s Got Talent.
Jean Marty did not win. Jean had talent. She reminded Anorak of one of this things that pop up in 1960’s horrors films to signify a mental breakdown. The starlet begins to spin, her mind a maelstrom of emotions and unsettling objects. Jean begins to play the piano. She beams. She winks.
The actress presses her hands to her ears and screams. Jean plays on. Laughing.
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Posted: 4th, June 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
