The Large Hadron Collider Has Killed Everyone
THE LARGE Hadron Collider has killed everyone. If you are reading this you are dead. If you are not reading this you are dead.
DAILY TELEGRAPH:
Gill Hornby: “Before the world ends, I just wanted to say: I told you so”
In my own branch of Astrophysics, CKtC - or, to give it its full name, Curiosity Killed the Cat - we jolly well wish they wouldn’t.
Stalking celebrities for science: Alexander Fsachem needs celebs to make sense of the universe on the BBC…
Yet in taking on the challenge of persuading not only the laboratories at Cern (the European Organisation for Nuclear Research) but also Radio 4 to devote a day of programming to particle physics, I have become a kind of weird, celebrity-obsessed stalker, more at home writing for the gossip pages of a Sunday tabloid than in the halls of academe.
Which celebs can tells us all about the big bang, Alexander?
- John Barrowman (actor, Dr Who time traveller)
- Brian Cox (popstar-cum-boffin, New Labour weather machine)
- Robbie Williams (popstar, millennium enthusiast, amn who “plans to hire a jet ski to look for UFOs said to have landed in the sea off Malibu - Sun)
- Mick Jagger (pop star, ceiling gazer)
- Brian May (pop star, ‘Mr Dirty Den’, science student)
- David Blaine (international man of magic)
- Dara O’Briain (BBC telly presenter, “former cosmologist”)
- Eddie Izzard (comic, tranny)
GILLIAN REYNOLDS: “On radio: I wish a black hole would devour Fi and her friends”
“I am completely fed up with Big Bang Day on Radio 4, and it hasn’t even happened yet”
THE SUN: “WE SURVIVED:”
“If you are reading this after 8:3o am it means the world has not been destroyed by the Big Bang Machine… YET”
Although any news from Switzerland?
“DOOM IN 4 YEARS”- It could take 4 years for the experiment to bring doomsday, says some scientists”
DAILY MIRROR: “HAWKING: THE WORLD WILL NOT END TODAY.”
Too late! Abort plan to storm Buckingham Palace. Abort!
The Mirror says that if you are reading this after “9:15am” then you are alive, or the Daily Mirror is part of purgatory. Satan is back…
DAILY STAR: “EARTH MOVES FOR BIG BANG.”
“WHATEVER happens at 8:15 today it’s the end of the worlds as we know it.”
Posted: 10th, September 2008 | In: Bad Science, Broadsheets, Strange But True, Tabloids Comments (42) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
Comments
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October 6th, 2008 at 11:27 am
nature cant Chage-buddist
September 11th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
What was really worrying was the fact that the guy doing the countdown was a guy I went to school with - a nerd that loved physics - well I guess he’s laughing at us now…..5….4….3…2…1….nothing! Ha ha ha!
September 11th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
It was the chosen date for the start of these experiments which struck me as someone’s fiendish little joke: 10/09/08 - it’s just like the start of a sinister countdown- goodness how those witty physicists must be chuckling! 10/09/08 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 ….. BANG!?
September 11th, 2008 at 5:40 am
While the various news reports have adjusted the reported severities of today’s earthquakes in Chile, Iran, Japan, and Indonesia, I don’t believe any have connected them with the LHD; and this is (Oh, how to say it?) really meant to be a humorous site, you see, and not a therapeutic exercise.
September 11th, 2008 at 5:33 am
Professor Pam Wot Professes to Know Everything about Everything Says:
September 11th, 2008 at 2:07 am
Um, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, but has anyone else noticed that there have been four 6.5+ magnitude earthquakes scattered around the globe in the last eight hours? Is that normal?
…………………………………………………………….
I’m sure that all the people who have logged it and flashed out news items on it to thousands of people have noticed it - which is why this daft poster knows about it!
Or are we supposed to think that she has ESP and a super-duper early warning sysytem that all the Earth-Quaker Monitors don’t already have? lol
September 11th, 2008 at 2:07 am
Um, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, but has anyone else noticed that there have been four 6.5+ magnitude earthquakes scattered around the globe in the last eight hours? Is that normal?
September 10th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
I’m fairly sure Clapton isn’t into physics, though I may be wrong there, but, if we have to go, what better way than waiting for the man…
September 10th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Well first of all the collision hasn’t taken place yet I don’t think - well it’s hard to tell as they are keeping that a bit quiet.
But they have switched the lights on and that works fine.
But I am a little confused as to how they got to the assumption that everything would be okay when the collision happens based on a theory by Stephen Hawkins.
I was happy when they convinced me that there is nothing happening that hasn’t already happened like the suns particles reaching the Earth for example and that it is the same energy as a light bulb. Oh how I laughed at how silly people were for thinking that would be dangerous.
But then someone mentioned that they think they might create a mini black hole with the collision. Okay so now I’m not laughing.
Oh but the energy of a mini black hole won’t last and in a millisecond it will die.
Ha ha I’m laughing again.
Or so we theorise.
What?
Well apparantly Stephen Hawkins says it will die but some people think it might not and it might grow bigger and bigger and in 4 hours turn the Earth inside out and suck us all up into a gigantic black hole.
Okay…now I’m crying….really I’m crying….and you want us to trust a theory?
These are scientists who won’t take our word for it when we tell them that there are other dimensions and that God exists - they are doing an experiment to find him themselves - find God? That will be quite a powerful collision when a group of theorising scientists come face to face with God!
And now one of those scientists has recieved a death threat?
What? what? what?
You mean someone has threatened to wipe out his very existence? How could they.
How awful! Terrible!
Hang on a minute isn’t that what these scientists have been threatening to do to us all day?
Let me get this right - if the experiment goes wrong we will all die and if it goes right we won’t die and the scientist won’t have to be killed.
So who is having the death threat again?
US????
Look is there any way that someone can turn the dial on that big machine and set it so that the mini black hole will only suck up bored atheist scientists - oh thankyou God!
September 10th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Oh dear kiddlywinks, i didn’t realise actual people believed the LHC would kill us all….i thought that was just my 8 year old brother’s anxious friend haha
September 10th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Were we more worried about the ‘Black Hole’ or the ‘Millenium’ ?
September 10th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Pam
September 10th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
And may I say that I admire your willingness to put your life on hold, and possibly sample the delights of Turkish prison cuisine, without so much as a 5 year extradition battle or an appeal to Strasbourg!
Any chance of you bringing back some duty frees?
September 10th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
You know me, if they want a reconstruction, who am I to refuse.
September 10th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Saul,
My heart goes out to you.
Forced by a cruel and insensitive judiciary to trot back to somewhere warm…
September 10th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Oh, wow! So Coco really DOES have children?
September 10th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Right then, time to pack my Pratchetts. A recent court ruling means I have to return some Sand.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Has the Big Bang banged? yet nothing happened? wow, did I start smoking + drinking (again) for nothing?
The crack and heroin didn’t tempt me though.. someone had nicked it by the time I got back to dig it up…….
September 10th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I believe that Death of Rats is also entitled to the odd EEK…
September 10th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Damn it! I thought the afterlife would be different! I have to spend eternity living my dull life….. it just doesn’t seem fair!
Oh, hang on. We’re still alive aren’t we?
Doh!
September 10th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I thought it was only Death who spoke in CAPITALS….?
September 10th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO MY MULTI-VERSE
September 10th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
It’s dodging the billiard balls wot does it…
September 10th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Cheery………very good, I almost missed that one
September 10th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
“Luckily I have a lifetimes experience of not dying”
September 10th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Please not, Saul; I’m not at all cheery, and my attempts to embrace my inner dwarf extend only to that remarkably apt battle cry:
‘Today is a good day for someone else to die!’
September 10th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
OMG IT WUDNT BE FUNNY U MONGS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PETRIFIED E.G MA LITTLE SISTER DONT BE STUPID!!!!!!
RETARDS
September 10th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
candy Says:
September 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
They should have done a practical joke on the Channel 4, and repeat the Orson Wells’s ‘The Mars Invasion’ scenario
I am sure they’ve been tempted … to make a big boom and shout ‘Oh My God, what’s that?’;
I don’t know if I could resist that If I were in charge of reporting ..:-DDDDDDD
—————
What and only frighten about 7 people, much better to do it on BBC Three and put the Sh*ts up at least 14.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Any truth that Switzerland has an “Alchemists Guild”?
If so, get the Tin hats out now.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
They should have done a practical joke on the Channel 4, and repeat the Orson Wells’s ‘The Mars Invasion’ scenario
I am sure they’ve been tempted … to make a big boom and shout ‘Oh My God, what’s that?’;
I don’t know if I could resist that If I were in charge of reporting ..:-DDDDDDD
September 10th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
WE ARE NOT GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ITS PETHETIC N IF WE WERE GOING TO DIE WE WOULD BE DEAD NOW!!!!!!!
WOW IM DEAD
THEY WOULDNT DO IT IF WE WERE ALL GOING TO DIE DUHHHHHH!!!!!!
September 10th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Where there’s blame there’s a claim.
I’ll just call injurylawyers4U and get my name down first.
m and A
fRist