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Anorak | The Ten Most Amazing Susan Boyle Songs

The Ten Most Amazing Susan Boyle Songs

by | 22nd, April 2009

boyle-worlds-idolSUSAN Boyle is all things to all journalists. Press F9 on your keyboard and see a story on Susan Boyle appear. Or failing that see Anorak’s all-purpose Susan Boyle article: The Ten Most Amazing Susan Boyle Songs:

That all purpose Susan Boyle article in full:

You’d have to be living under a rock/ on the moon/ in North Korea/ watching cat racing on Sky Sports 3 not to have heard of singing sensation Susan Boyle.

When I saw Susan Boyle sing I Dreamed A Dream on Britain’s Got Talent/ Britian’s Idol I wept and felt the spirit of God/love for humanity/Cinderella rise through me. Like me Susan Boyle, who has energised the world, has struggled in life.

The simple/ plain/ frumpy/dowdy/ wire-haired/ ugly/ middle-aged/ fat/ shapeless/ brain damaged/ bullied/ 47-year-0ld/ 48-year-old/ never-been-kissed/ cat-owning virgin [note: can use any or all of the above] from the wee corner of Scotland fought off the bullies when her mother died. With her voice of an angel she gives humanity one more chance.

When Susan Boyle sang, the video, with its high production values and cutaway shots of a sneering crowd going wild, put an end to recession/ cynicism/ misogyny and vanity.

Thanks to Demi Moore, the video of Susan Boyle singing has now been seen [insert number here] on YouTube, making Susan Boyle more popular than Barack Obama/ God/ Elvis/and the man vomiting his own foot, but not Demi Moore.

A perky blonde/ fat celebrity/ singer says whatever happens Our Susan must not be allowed to change.

Should Susan Boyle get her defiant eyebrows plucked/ lose weight/ dare to be anything less than a vision in hearing-aid-beige we will feel betrayed and fall out of love with her. Says celeb:

“I will crawl over broken glass naked or in a PVC catsuit not to let them change Boyle and make her more attractive.”

In an exclusive interview with Susan Boyle, the Hairy Angel says:

“I was never said I was a virgin and the bullies are now gown up and quite pleasant to me when I pull on my ‘pulling’ leather jacket and sing in the pub of a Saturday night with…

Adding:

“I will need to sort out my dress sense and my weight. It wasn’t until I saw myself on TV that I realised how frumpy I was.“It’s not a big thing – it doesn’t worry me too much – but I will be doing a bit more exercise to help me sort it out.When there is this much attention on you, you have to plan what you wear every day and look your best.”

Editors note – please remove last three paragraphs immediately…

Update: It’s all a huge conspiracy and Armani Boyle is waiting for her close up.

Anorak Fact: Demi Moore has been watching Susan Boyle – a woman who is exactly what Moore would look like without surgery!



Posted: 22nd, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink