National Enquirer

National Enquirer Category

The National Enquirer’s weekly look at life in the Hollywood Hills, with zip-on hair, inflatable breasts and someone else’s spouse

Nicole Richie And Joel Madden Sign Up

nicole-richie.jpgSEE pop star daughter Nicole Richie and pop star Joel Madden in their matching Peter Storm anoraks, with Comfi-Slax and his ‘n’ hers haversacks.

Also note, as the Enquirer does, Nicole and Joel’s his’ n’ hers Juicy Couture leisurewear suits.

The Enquirer notes that other items to be monogrammed include: napkins, candles towels, and rumours of monogrammed underwear, homes and children…

Picture: 14 – Buy the best celebrity prints

Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment (1)

Hollywood’s Most Hated: Paris Hilton Hates…

donald-trump.jpg“WHO HATES WHO IN HOLLYWOOD!” says the National Enquirer’s front page. It’s “ALL NEW”.

It has the makings of a regular feature, and one that should prove to be popular.

There are pictures of Oprah Winfrey, Kid Rock, Paris Hilton, Andy Dick, Rosie
O’Donnell and Tommy Lee.

We’d wager that Oprah hates Kid hates Paris hates Andy hates Rosie hates Tommy hates Oprah.

Or it might be that Kid hates Andy hates Oprah hates Tommy hates Paris hates Rosie hates Kid.

Inside and we learn that Dick hates Jon Lovitz; Rosie hates Donald Trump; Tommy hates Kid; and someone called Donny Bonaduce hates Jonny Fairplay, whose teeth he has, reportedly, damaged.

The most hated celebrity will only become clear once the feature has been running for a few weeks. It will then transfer to TV and appear as Channel 4s 100 Most Hated By People in Hollywood and one Of The 100 Most Hated Programme of all time…

Pic: 14  – Buy her prints

Posted: 28th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment

The Brad And Angelina Support Group Is In Session

angelina-jolie-france.jpg“FURY AS ANGIE QUITS USA!” announces the National Enquirer.

Angie is Angelina Jolie, and America is outraged that she should pack up her home, her kids, some other kids and make for a new life in France.

“We’ve been very loyal throughout her career, but it looks like she’s ungratefully dumping us,” fumes Catherine Larcher, secretary of the Californian fan club Brad and Angelina.

Ms Larcher has every right to be upset. It was not too long ago that Anorak was forced to pen a letter in green ink to Michelle Ryan, who had no sooner left the EastEnders’ set than she had set off to America.

The Michelle Ryan Fan Club is now no more, the members dispersed and the 5,000 piece Ryan Jigsaw we were working on broken up and scattered to the winds. The Michelle Ryan Support Group is, however, very much alive.

Of course, a Pitt-Jolie enthusiast such as Ms Larcher may note that calling her club Brad and Angelina was always going to be precarious, given that Jolie and Pitt have outlasted three marriages between them…


Posted: 20th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (4)

Madeo Men: George Clooney Meets Fabio

fabio-clooney.jpgWOMEN of a certain age like George Clooney. And their grandma’s, chubbier sisters and pendant moustachioed interior decorators like Fabio, the “romance icon”, the stalwart of deathless love style.

Both men belong to a past era: Clooney to the golden age of showbiz when the Rat Pack bestrode Vegas and never brought out a signature perfume nor felt driven to explain their lifestyle; Fabio is what happened to Sir Harry Paget Flashman when he moved to Italy, grew his hair and discovered girls and Yves Saint Laurent Touche Eclat.

The walking cover of a million penny dreadful romance novels, Fabio is seen entertaining the five female winners of a contest to watch him eat at Madeo restaurant.

On another table is George Clooney with female friend Sarah Larsen. Pictures are being taken by the Fabio party. Clooney notices. He thinks they are taking pictures of him. The Enquirer produces a picture of Clooney firmly in shot. He is ordering a copy of the print with his middle finger.

Fabio is incredulous. Fabio has the look of a man who thinks America is dubbed the land of opportunity because it gives the huddled masses the opportunity to meet him. He maintains the pictures of are of him and his winners.

Words are said. Fabio calls Clooney a “diva”, which may be a term of the highest praise. George drops what the Enquirer call an “F-bomb”. Says Fabio’s agent: “Clooney starred in ER and Fabio is going to send him back there.”

Macho stuff. And we see the cover to the book of the meeting now as Fabio (breeze-blown hair and leopard-trunks) looms over Dr George.

Madeo Man, by Jude Devereaux is available in good, bad and indifferent book shops…

Picture: By 14 – Buy her prints here.

Posted: 14th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (3)

Lorrie Morgan And Sammy Kershaw Look for Inspiration

WITH Wild West shoot-outs frowned upon, modern country musicians must seek inspiration in other ways.

In the good old day, male singers could find misery by opening a bar and finding the place shot up within hours by no good varmint. Female crooners were encouraged to become prostitutes with hearts of pure spun gold.

Now all they have is holy matrimony and divorce.

And, as the Enquirer reports, Lorrie Morgan and Sammy Kershaw have nine marriages between them. And looking for material for a new album the singers have decided to separate and make it divorce No. 10.

With no dog to kill and horse to maim, Sammy has been forced to seek misery in selling off his tour bus, the No. 73 To Yuma. He is now, as the Enquirer reports, likely to come for some of singer Lorrie’s assets.

Lorrie scored 14 Top 10 hits in the 90s, says the Enquirer – including such unforgettable melodies as Get Out, Mr Man!, Leavin’ Me!, Leavin’ You, and Leavin’ Us. No hit was greater than her 1997 smash Go Away.

It is hoped that with both parties suffering, they can produce a hit album, or at the very least something for a lonely cowboy to hum…

Posted: 7th, November 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comment

Jennifer Aniston Changes Her Friends

NOTHING ages faster then the new. And so it is a blessed relief that we are not reading in the National Enquirer about Jennifer Aniston’s new hairstyle, new man or new catchphrase.

To date Jennifer has kept her hair long and her new men on script. As for the catchphrase, Jen has tried “OH MY God”, “OH-my God!”, “Oh MY God” and the challenging “OH-my-GoD!” But she has ever remained true to herself.

But now in “JEN OUT OF CONTROL”. The National Enquirer tells of Jen’s “wild partying”, “secret trysts with ex-lovers”, and her “hungry for new man.”

Plus ca change. It is refreshing to know that is world of uncertainties Jennifer Aniston remains as unwavering as a Hollywood divorcee’s expression.

Jen is always looking for love, always out at a party and always accompanied by hair that says she is worth it.

Posted: 7th, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment (1)

California On Fire – The Movie

WHEN the film of the fire is made who will play Robert Redford? As the National Enquirer notes Redford was one of the stars forced to say “Oh My God” as fire swept through the countryside.

Other roles to be filled in Flame – I Wanna Live Forever!: Halle Berry (to be played by Cher), Sean Penn (Mel Gibson), Mel Gibson (Tom Hanks), Victoria Principal (Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox), Richard Gere (Tom Hanks) and Sting (Barbra Streisand). Directed by Angela Lansbury.

Posted: 1st, November 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (4)

Angelina Jolie’s ‘Web Of Lies’

“ANGELINA’S WEB OF LIES,” announces the Enquirer’s front page.

Lies? Can it be that Angelina Jolie’s’s favourite word is not “Lemsip” and, as we have read in countless other oranges of record, her second best colour ever (in the whole wide world) is orange? Did she never mean the “Best wishes” she assigned to a picture proffered by Old Mr Anorak’s nurse?

These are lies told as exclamations. “!” (About Jen); “!” (OTHER LOVERS); “!” (HER FUTURE WITH BRAD!).
“Angelina has been caught telling a big lie to Brad about his ex, Jen – and it’s just one stand in a web of deceit Angelina has been weaving about her twisted double life,” says the magazine of repute.

The shock of shocks is that Angelina will not be all that willing to sit down with Jennifer Aniston, for it is ever she, and “couldn’t bear even the idea!” of meeting Brad Pitt’s former lover and wife.

And what of the children? A source says Angelina only spends a few hours with the children all day. “As soon as she sees camera,” says this insider, “Angie grabs a kid.”

Which might explain how she came to adopt three children – were they just close by when the command “Action!” was issued?

Pic: 14

Posted: 1st, November 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (6)

Nick Nolte Takes A Journey Up Clytie Lane, Hollywood

“THREE chanting midwives delivered Nick Nolte’s baby daughter to his Pilates instructor girlfriend Clytie Lane at their Malibu home – with no doctor present.”

For some time Anorak has been studying the National Enquirer and translating its bon mots for your education. But rarely if ever have we encountered a line that so succinctly epitomises the goings on in Hollywood .

The only things missing from this tableau are the ages of all parties concerned. And we note that Nolte is 66, Clytie – “who appeared in the movie Coffee Date” – is in her thirties.

The baby, a girl, has yet to be named. And we await that development with no little enthusiasm…

Posted: 24th, October 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comment (1)

Taboid Headline Of The Day: Jennifer Aniston’s Bikini Line

THE Tabloid headline of the day, as told by the National Enquirer, on the matter of Jennifer Aniston: “Her ex waxer tells all!”

Look out for the “Rachel cut” at a slon near you. Why? Because you’re worth it!

Posted: 17th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment (1)

Britney Spears Grows Up And Out And Sideways

BRITNEY Spears assumes her usual place on the cover of the National Enquirer.

Although she threatens to move into the Jennifer Aniston Zone to her left and the Jolie Area to her underneath. As the headline goes Britney “GAINS 42lbs”.

Like you, we have no idea what 42lbs is, having gone metric when Angelina Jolie was in Paris.

But it sounds a lot. And there is every reason to believe that Britney is growing up with her audience, moving effortlessly from lithe-limbed blonde American schoolgirl to large-limbed, heavy-set American woman.

As such, she should embrace her changing shape. Or as a source puts it: “She grabs the fact on her stomach and thighs and says she wishes it would melt off.”

Posted: 9th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (8)

Orlando Blooms On Jennifer Aniston’s Beach

JENNIFER Aniston is on the front page of the National Enquirer. And in her vicinity is Orlando Bloom.

Such is the way of the Hollywood Hills, that there is every chance to believe the couple are dating, soon-to-be-collaborating on a rom-com movie and consulting the Book of Revelations for baby names.

In “ROMANCE BLOOMS”, readers see that both Jen and Orlando love the beach. Jen loves hers. Orlando loves his. And one day they may even share a beach, a possibility the Enquirer encourages with its front-page graphic.

Their relationship promises to develop into an “open romance”.

Jen and Orlando are in Mexico. They are “staring blissfully into each other’s eyes”.

They are dining on a patio in their swimsuits. They share the same manager, one Aleen Keshishan.

Who remains tantalisingly out of shot, and is very possibly on the beach…

Posted: 9th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (7)

Jennifer Aniston And Ben Affleck Are Just Not That Into You

JENNIFER Aniston… We’d recognise that hair anywhere – on her head, on the telly on the collar of Ben Affleck’s lumberjack shirt…

Aniston and Affleck are indeed close. As the National Enquirer’s front page screams: “ANISTON & AFFLECK FLIRTING WITH DISASTER.”

And when Affleck does disaster everyone suffers – who can forget Pearl Harbor?

Trembling, we turn the page and learn that – get this – the picture is from a film Aniston and Affleck are working on together.

What price that the woman who starred in The Break Up and then Broke Up (!) with Vince Vaughn will now appear in the film He’s Just Not That Into You and find that – whoaah! – Ben is just not that into her!

A set insider tells us: “They hang out together, eat together and go off on walks tougher.”

But He’s Just Not That Into You!

A magazine has apparently banded them the “New Bennifer”.

But He’s Just Not That Into You!

“Meanwhile, Ben’s holding, kissing and even doing passionate honeymoon scenes with her!”

But He’s Just Not That Into You!

And He’s Not That Into You Too!

Posted: 3rd, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (3)

Collect Bradjelina Stickers: Swap Two Pax Thiens For One Shiloh

angelina-jolie.jpgBRAD & ANGELINA’S SECRET DEAL!” reports the National Enquirer’s front page. “AFTER PUBLIC BLOW UP.”Fed on a diet of Bradgelina week on week it is no little wonder the public has blown up. Although the feeling at Anorak Towers is that Americans just get bigger until they are forced to take a deep breath and buy still larger shorts.

And what of the secret deal, which the Enquirer has learnt of? Is it that baby number 5 in on the way?

Hardly a secret there. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie collect children the way football fans collect Panini stickers. And we’d trade two Pax Thiens and a 2005 Zahara for one Shiloh.

If there is any shock then it is in the notion that baby number five (Says Cilla Black: “What’s your name, and where are you from?”) will be homemade.

Right now, the Enquirer might be watching the preamble to that happening as Angelina and Brad are in the bar at the Chicago Peninsular hotel.

She is said to be stroking his arm. He is said to be stroking her arm.

He is drinking a Corona beer. She is drinking Captain Morgan’s rum and coke, possibly from a glass made by Glasses of Maine and poured over ice produced from a Miele freezer from Bob’s House of Freezers.

An eyewitness notes: “At 2am, when the lights came on, they walked out of the bar hand in hand and headed up to their suite.”

The Enquirer says this marked a “new beginning for the pair”. And a new dawn in the age of mankind.

Shiloh is a hard act to follow. But if the Messiah is to have a third coming, and possibly a fourth (it might be twins), we can only pass on our sincerest wishes…

Posted: 17th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (3)

Owen Wilson II: Meet The Makers

owen_wilson.jpgWONDER no longer what Owen Wilson intended when he slashed his wrists and took prescription pills.

The Enquirer is there with the truth and hears the actor yell: “I killed Princess Diana!”

No, not really. That was just our guess. Indeed a quick survey of the Anorak typing pool threw up suicide bed suggestions “Oprah smells of cats!”, “Let’s nuke Canada” and “Elton…that you?”

The truth is no less sensational as the Enquirer hears Wilson scream: “I want to die!”

The Enquirer hears all. But the irony is that Wilson was suicidal because – get his – he felt so alone and had no lover in his life.

We join the action as Andrew Wilson, Owen’s older brother, finds the actor “bloody and incoherent” at his Santa Monica home.

A source says that after an hour Andrew called the emergency services. The medics arrived. And Owen gave full throat to the tagline “I want to die”.

But even the stars cannot get all they want all the time and the medics inserted a saline drip in the Owen body and staved off his demise for a later date.

Owen Wilson would live. He would start life afresh. He would be Owen II: The Rehab.

Working title ‘My girlfriend won’t take me back”, starring Kate Hudson…

Posted: 5th, September 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comment (1)

Viva Viagra: Elvis The Pelvis Keeps It Up

viagra-elvis.jpg“LISA Marie works hard to protect the King’s image,” says the Enquirer.

Thankfully, Lisa Marie Presley does not work alone. Elvis’s fans help to keep the legend alive by oozing their bloated bodies into white trouser suits with rhinestone batwings and sweating under the lights of the Balti Curry Inn, Surbiton.

Few depart from the proscribed Elvis look, not daring to portray Elvis in his thinner years lest they appear guilty of heresy or going off-brand.

So it understandable Lisa Marie is “livid” that her father’s memory is being sullied.

As the Enquirer reports, Elvis and his pelvis are being employed to sell erectile dysfunction medication.

The mind boggles to suppose any Elvis fan needs such potions. The opening refrain to Good Rockin’ Tonight is thought to have created more human life than the entire Tommy Steele back catalogue and Dr Robert Winston combined.

But times move. And now Viva Las Vegas has been mutilated to Viva Viagra.

That this outrage should coincide with the 30th anniversary of Elvis’ death in a Paris tunnel is too bad. That it should coincide with his duet with daughter Lisa is shameful.

Lisa’s close harmony rendering of In The Ghetto, with her father in animatronic support, is both tasteful and what Elvis would have wanted.

If Elvis were alive he’d be 72 and able to stick up for himself…

Posted: 4th, September 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (3)

Jennifer Aniston Rows To Pitt And Jolie

brad_maddox_061507_02.jpgTHE Third Rule of American tabloid dictates that where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie lead Jennifer Aniston must follow. And in this week’s Enquirer, Aniston is following on a surfboard.

“BRAD GEARS UP FOR CUSTODY BATTLE!” announces the Enquirer’s front page. “His plans for the kids if they split!”

Aniston is standing up. She’s holding an oar. She’s ponting in Hawaii.

Can she get to Hollywood in time to catch Pitt should he leave Jolie? Will Brad and Ange carve up the world between them, he getting the white and Hispanic children, she the black and Asian? Will Aniston blend in?

The Enquirer’s source says that should Pitt and his lover split and should he want custody of their daughter Shiloh and should a plague of frogs not descend on Beverly Hills “she would fight tooth and nail to keep her family intact”.

Looking at the Jolie oeuvre, we suggest Pitt should watch out for the Jolie heel to the throat and for the roving UN goodwill ambassador’s bony parts, of which there are several.

But what of this home life? We learn that Maddox, Child No.1, has apparently become a little spoilt. Only a little you gasp. You shut up your mouth and shake your head.

If Maddox is to survive in the Hollywood Hills, he needs to up his game. More toys for the young master. As many grasshoppers as he can eat. A night out with Kelly Osbourne must be booked.

Against this is Brad who wants to instil a sense of discipline in young Maddox.

“Angie thinks he’s too tough on Maddox, but she seethes when Brad tries to enforce any discipline,” says the source.

And here comes Aniston. She’s ready to put her oar in…

Posted: 4th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment