Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Brandon Davis Better Never Than Late
BRANDON Davis, Hollywood Hillsbilly, is in Melbourne for the Millions Main Event tournament at Crown Casino.
Davis is not doing all that well. Having arrived laden with cash and planned to buy into the tournament, Davis managed to turn up a day late to actually qualify.
Did he chicken out?
Posted: 20th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Pete Doherty Remembered, by Laura McLaughlin
PETE Doherty has, reportedly, been making friends with Laura McLaughlin.
She tells the News of the World: “The baby is Peter’s. There is no doubt about that. I was a virgin when I met Peter and when we had sex.”
Does Ms McLaughlin believe her parents might think better of her if they learn via the pages of the tabloid press that the first time their daughter had sex it was with a known drug user and celebrity?
Stephen and Helen McLaughlin – “they run a multi-million pound roofing business in Scotland” – offer no comment.
Says Laura of Doherty: “He knows about the baby. I told him I was pregnant the moment I found out shortly after Christmas. We are only in contact by phone.”
If only she had only contacted Doherty by phone. Indeed, a phone with a condom pulled over it might be more hygienic. And then she should consider earmuffs, holding the phone at arm’s length and a scouring brush . But things got more intimate for the girl billed as god-daughter to Sir Alex Ferguson, the puce-faced manager of Manchester United.
Says Lola: “He was a very laid-back lover and very gentle with me. He wasn’t into anything kinky or strenuous and that suited me down to the ground seeing as it was my first time having sex.”
And then the condom split. Pregnant, she told Doherty. Says Lola: “His apathy has been traumatic for me. I wanted the baby to be as big a deal to him as it was to me. But it wasn’t. One minute he is excited and telling me, ‘How good-looking is our baby going to be?’ the next minute he’s saying, ‘You deal with it’.”
One minute she likes him being laid back, the next it’s an issue.
A spokesman for Doherty says: “Pete says he doesn’t know who this girl is.”
Which, to the best of Doherty’s recollection, might well be true…
Posted: 20th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
Borat Wins
BORAT wins. A court sided with Sacha Baron Cohen on Friday in a lawsuit filed by etiquette teacher Kathie Martin. She claims she unwittingly appeared in his hit movie “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan”.
The justices overruled a lower court and said Martin can’t sue Cohen and the companies that produced the movie in Alabama because she signed an agreement stating only courts in New York could hear any disputes that arose from her appearance…
Several other people who appeared in the 2006 movie have filed suit claiming they were duped into appearing in the comedy, which grossed more than $200 million…
During a segment in Alabama, Borat sought etiquette lessons from Martin and is shown in the movie presenting guests at a dinner party with a bag of human feces.
No, not a hot dog – a real turd…
Posted: 19th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lindsay Lohan Is Queen Of England
THE “craze” going on in the United Kingdom involves people take pictures of themselves partially covered with folded banknotes. At least so say the American site Freaking News.
(Has anyone seen anyone doing this?)
The result is this:
American Royalty…
Posted: 19th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money | Comment
Britney Spears Is The Most Attractive Woman In The World
READERS of Hello Magazine says that the Most Attractice women in the world is…Britney Spears!
Over 110,000 votes were cast in the magazine’s Most Attractive Woman poll and Spears scored 26 per cent of them?
Of course, this being a poll, readers were not presented with the names of two billion and more women, rather a select group.
It turns out that Spears is more attractive than Sporty Spice.
It also means that someone has to finish bottom of the poll and be labelled the Least Attractive Most Attractive Woman in The World. This year it’s Nadine Coyle, one part of the Girls Aloud, the slutty Nolan Sisters tribute Act.
Whether Coyle is now relegated to the lower divisions remains to be seen, swapping places in the upper echelons with Lily Allen or Kerry Katona…
Posted: 19th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (8)
Tom Cruise And Your Scientology Audit
WANT to be a Scientologist, like Tom Cruise? Sure you do. You’ve seen the movie, and here. Now take the test.
Then take the Church of Scoetology’s “SEC WHOLE TRACK” questionnaire, all 343 questions. It part of your “auditing” sessions, the ones designed to identify your trapped “thetans”.
The “thetans,” or alien ghosts, were implanted in Earth’s volcanoes 75 million years ago by the evil intergalactic ruler Xenu, until the nasty buggers escaped and invaded the bodies of each and every one of us.
While taking the test, you are attached to an E-meter – a polygraph-like device. Radar magazine has published some of the questions. Radar magazine might not be around for too much longer. Anorak only produces the questions to show how, er, brilliant they are.
The questions (your answers please):
• Have you ever enslaved a population?
• Have you ever debased a nation’s currency?
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
• Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 19th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (11)
Let’s All Celebrate Lily Allen’s Grief
LILY Allen has suffered a miscarriage. She has not commented on her condition. But the Sun is right behind her and invites readers to “Send Lily your best wishes”.
“Hi Lily, I am very sorry to hear of your loss, I too had a miscarriage and its like your world has fell apart. I lost mine in the Oct 1993 at 15 1/2 weeks
“Dear Lily and Ed, My deepest and most heartfelt sympathy go out to you both. I have lost a child my…”
“Dear Lily, I am so very sori to hear about the loss of your little beanie. I know how you are feeling becuase I have gone through several miscarriages and know the grief, shock and the pain of losing your little one [sic]”
While we can only sympathise with Ms Allen, Sun readers go further, using her pain to tell us how much they too have suffered. No event, however small or personal, is immune from displays of public grief, shows of public mourning to private tragedies.
We feel. We emote. The Sun provides a forum, a paper of condolences to sign. Moderators and editors police the forum so messages stay on-message.
We compete to see who can empathise the most, who can prove they care. Lily Allen’s miscarriage becomes a shared experience.
But where to stop? The Sun will soon be calling for International Miscarriage Week, inviting “brave” Lily to support its camping for more understating on miscarriages, and then a minute’s silence and beenfit concert.
But why not do something incredioble? Why not just leave her alone?
Posted: 19th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Victoria Beckham Is Sick On Stage?
RUMOURS on the web that Victoria Beckham has enlivened a Spice Girls concert in London by vomiting on stage.
Probably rubbish. But we do recall when the Beckhams did everything alike – knickers, hair, puking…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
George Clooney Is A UN Messenger Of Peace
GEORGE Clooney a messenger of peace. How do you get these jobs? Who decides this stuff? We fawn over clebs and hate politicians. Maybe it works best this way?
18 January 2008 – United States actor, filmmaker and human rights advocate George Clooney has been designated by Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon as a United Nations Messenger of Peace, to raise awareness of the world body’s peacekeeping efforts. Mr. Clooney, who will join eight other internationally renowned individuals as Messengers to advocate on behalf of the UN and focus global attention on its efforts to improve the lives of billions of people, has been recognized for his work to focus public attention on crucial international political and social issues.
We focus on it. And then what?
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Lindsay Lohan Morgue Job
LINDSAY Lohan is to work at a morgue as part of her punishment for misdemeanor drunken driving.
She has also spent two months in rehabilitation and has done some community service, Berk said at a hearing on her progress toward fulfilling the terms of her plea bargain.
Her two four-hour days at the morgue are part of a court-ordered program to show drivers the real-life consequences of drinking and driving. She must also spend two days working in a hospital emergency room.
Lohan was arrested twice last year on DUI charges and pleaded guilty in August to misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges. She has already served 84 minutes in jail as part of the plea deal.
A place of stiff people with otherworldly and motionless faces. In Los Angeles..?
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Sean Paul’s Music Gives Women Seizures
“IT took “miracle” brain surgery, but now a Queens woman can listen to rapper Sean Paul without getting sick,” reports the New York Post.
Paul, a reggae rapper, has lent his name to Sean Paul Syndrome, a condition suffered by those who have never gotten over Top of Pops being the focal point of the musical weeks, and Bucks Fizz disbanding.
Reading on, though, we learn that Stacey Gayle suffers from musicogenic epilepsy.
Gaye recalls its onset, when she was at party and heard Paul’s song Temperature playing.
“As soon as the beat comes on, I don’t know what it is, it just triggers my seizure,” says Gayle. “It’s like a weird sensation you get, like a tingling in your head. I smelled something funny, a weird smell.”
Gayle could avoid Paul’s music by listening to brass bands or moving to Austria. Instead, she opted for brain surgery, it being the least nerve-wracking option.
She can now listen to Paul without fear. His song plays. “Had that been before, I would have been on the floor, obviously, having a seizure,” says she.
Men at wedding receptions know what she means…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Associated Press Has Written Britney Spears’ Obituary
AP’S entertainment editor, Jesse Washington, tells USWeekly magazine: “We are not wishing it, but if Britney passed away, it’s easily one of the biggest stories in a long time. I think one would agree that Britney seems at risk right now.
“Of course, we would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and hope that we would never have to use it until 50 years from now…but if something were to happen, we would have to be prepared.”
Of course…
One imagines that if it got her into the papers, Britney may well go for it, after careful consultation with her publicist.
If she can perish via avian flu, so much the double-whammy. The National Enquirer has already written her off.
Of course, Britney Spears is not dead. If she were the tabloid press and the charmless Perez Hilton would be places full of adverts for hair gel, self-aggrandizement and Paris Hilton tribute acts.
Britney is a young woman with options before her. What odds she seeks out more mundane pursuits and works as an insurance clerk in Wichita or a receptionist in a provincial solicitors’ practice?
Or is never heard of again..?
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Getting Dressed With Nicholas Sarkozy
HELLO! introduces readers to a “Rare and intimate insight into the life of the French President”.
Nicholas Sarkozy is not naked, but dressed in the Emperor’s, if not new then washed and ironed clothes of white shirt, black trousers and leather brogues.
Those of us used to seeing Sarkozy in his swimmers will be surprised and perhaps even a little shocked at his unfamiliar get up.
Some may even be angry. Not a day passes without Sarkozy provoking a riot and as he applies his cufflinks, one expects to hear news of a disgruntled Frenchman setting alight to his Renault Megane.
Sarkozy is then pictured peeping out through some net curtains. Does he fear he is being watch, in which instant he may get a fright if he were to turn and set eyes the Hello! snappers. Sarkozy’s look of insouciance creates the illusion that this is nothing special and every day he really does look in the mirror, have someone hand him a hairbrush and sit behind a massive desk.
As if…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Hello!, Politicians | Comment
Royals Flee On The Queen’s Flight
PRINCE William is leaning to fly planes. He is not the only Royal flyer. The Prince of Wales, The Duke of York and The Earl of Wessex can all fly a plane. It is the cause of much excitement on the cover of Hello! magazine.
Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother once took the controls of the de Havilland Comet I jet. She told us: “I am delighted to tell you that today I took over as first pilot of a Comet aircraft. We exceeded a reading of 0.8 Mach at 40,000 ft. What the passengers thought, I really wouldn’t like to say! Elizabeth R., Hon. Air Commodore, 600 Squadron.”
King George VI, King Edward VIII, the Duke of Gloucester and the Duke of Kent all learnt to fly in the 1920s and 1930s.
Either the Royals like to get away from it all, or else they are preparing for an evacuation. Hence, the Queen’s Flight, literally.
Come the revolution, the Windsors will be many thousands of feet up in the air, each in a separate aircraft lest they all perish as one and Sarah Ferguson is the last remaining member of their tribe and proclaimed Queen…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Hello!, Royal Family | Comment (1)
Copper Bottomed Celebrity Policing
BRITAIN’S celebrity police force wants a new look.
As the Telegraph reports: “Female police officers up and down the country rebelled have against the regulation trousers they are forced to wear, claiming they are unflattering for their bottoms.”
The article goes on: “They were particularly aggrieved by the high waistbands which cover up curves and the bulky, ill-fitting material which makes it difficult to run after offenders.”
It’s important to get the look right. When our PR-sensitive police force are posing for the snappers alongside a celebrity they need to look good. These photos are distributed around the world. Standing alongside the likes of Amy Winehouse, Kate Moss and Pete Doherty can make the WPC looks not a little hippy and “square”.
Says a Hampshire Constabulary WPC: “Police uniform for women is awful. When my uniform was issued I requested men’s trousers as the women’s were so high waisted that they did absolutely nothing for a woman’s figure. I now buy my own trousers.” Red ones?
One West Midlands WPC added: “It does wind me up that we get these terrible trousers – they make your bum look huge – they are massive around the hips. The force needs to listen to us, the old uniforms are old-fashioned and need updating.”
What to do? Something must be done. Peter Fahy, head of race and diversity, tell us: “Having listened to the British Association for Women in Policing it was clear many forces wanted to produce a better uniform themselves. It is at that level that the proposals need to be trialled.”
Like you, we have no idea what he means, his talking to immersed in copper’s English to make any sense.
However, attempts at translation point to a cohesive and sensitive joined-up approach to policing with WPCs reflecting the changing environment in a coming together of leggings, pencil skirts and something strappy and pointy on the feet…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment
Britney Spears Plays The Spoons
BRITNEY Spears is in the tabloids, and in a pair of fishnet stockings, torn ones.
She is also with her Birmingham-born lover Adnan Ghalib. “HE’S AD ENOUGH,” says the Mirror for reasons that do not extend beyond a punnish headline.
The Sun says Britney has had a “RIPPING TIME”, it too using a pun to suggest news that on closer inspection seems to have been omitted from the article. Perhaps it was lost in the general excitement?
It is left to the Star to explain further. In “CLICK ME BABY ONE MORE TIME”, readers see 13 pictures of Britney – a number which is said to be lucky for Mr Ghalib, whose company seeks to sell the snaps of his muse.
One image is of Britney picking up a pregnancy test kit. Ghalib’s agency snaps the tableau. The picture is then offered to newspapers for £250,000. No takers. So the price falls to £2,000, as the Star claims.
Britney will have to try harder. She will have to do something she has yet to do; something that will both shock and amaze. Can she play the spoons? Over to you, Mr Ghalib..
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Gordon Ramsay’s F-Plan Diet
GORDON Ramsay, the panicky TV chef, is on the telly tonight, “cooking live for the first time”.
The opposite of live is, naturally, dead. But Ramsay’s raison d’etre is not only to be reborn but to be reborn without the swearing.
The Star says Ramsay has been told “SHUT THE F-WORD UP, GORD!”
It used to be enough for TV chefs just to cook something, now they are on crusades, telling us what to cook, where to buy it and how to eat it. Cooking, shopping and growing times should all be 25 minutes, with a break for the adverts.
Ramsay’s crusade is to part of anti-swearing campaign, showing the sweary British nation that it is not too late to change…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Kate Moss Puts In The Hours
KATE Moss would surely appreciate the Mirror’s commitment to a thinner and leaner paper.
Kate Moss is 34, which may be a number suggestive of how many pages the paper should give over to her birthday party.
Interestingly, the party, as the Mail says, went on for 34 hours.
Should Moss reach her full tally of three score years and ten, she will need to be up for almost three days. Happily, the elderly often find it hard to sleep, and she may well pull it off.
“She even did Madonna’s Vogue dance and tried Dj-ing,” a guest tells us. Says Naomi Campbell: “We’re getting old.”
And tired…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Britney Spears Gets Paps Clamped
IN Los Angeles, Britney Spears is being chased:
Four paparazzi have been arrested on suspicion of reckless driving while chasing Britney Spears’ car in the San Fernando Valley, police said.
Roberto Maciel, 31, Leandro Gomes, 30, Filipi Teixeira, 27, and Eduardo Ravalah, 34, were booked for investigation of reckless driving and released early Thursday on $5,000 bail each, said Officer Jason Lee, a police spokesman.
THE LA police are clamping down on the paparazzi:
“Their numbers — and aggressiveness — have grown exponentially,” said Sheriff’s Department spokesman Steve Whitmore, who cited a case this week in which West Hollywood sheriff’s deputies were called to a gym after paparazzi brought traffic on Melrose Avenue to a standstill as they jostled to photograph Jessica Alba.
Both the Sheriff’s Department and the Los Angeles Police Department have begun keeping a running record of complaints about paparazzi, including names and the agencies that employ problem photographers. The Sheriff’s Department has even started photographing some celebrity photographers, hoping to document bad behavior.
The LAPD is developing its own “zero tolerance” policy, using the state vehicle code and traffic and loitering laws to cite photographers who block traffic and lay siege to neighborhoods.
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jordan’s Horse Flesh Surprise
JORDAN, Katie Price once stood as an MP. Now Jordan is speaking to the Sun about Jamie Gray, the owner of Spindles farm where horses were being battery farmed for export to France.
Says Jordan: “Hopefully the horses will not have suffered in vain and this will be a wake-up call to the Government to put regulations in place and vet people before they are allowed to own animals, let alone a whole farm.”
Jamie Oliver has his crusade for chickens. Will Jordan now be the celebrity face of free range horses?
“I treat my horses like royalty and that’s what they deserve. I’ve got 30 acres of land and would love to adopt all of the surviving horses from Spindles Farm. As soon as I get back home, I’ll be contacting the RSPCA to see how I can help out and I urge others to do the same.”
Recipes for horse dishes to the usual addresses, and also any tips on how to strangle them and prepare them for table in a humane manner…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Page 3 Girls And ‘I’
THE Sun Page 3 finalists are exposed for readers’ to judge.
Amy (“keen dancer”) shows promise but one feel as though she needs to embrace her calling and ask herself not what she would do but what Amii would do. So too Kimberley needs to channel hr inner Kymberlii.
As such, the early winner must be Kamila, with a silent ‘y’…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Amanda Holden’s Not So Silent Witness
SAYS Amanda Holden: “Can I just say, when they said I found a dead body, they said I was 39. I’m 36. I was more traumatised by the fact they got my age wrong than the fact I’d found a stiff.”
Adding: “Obviously, somone did lose their loved one and I don’t mean to be flippant. But I did say, ‘Oh, I could take over from Amanda Burton in Silent Witness now’, because I wasn’t fazed by it, purely because I didn’t think it was real.”
Comforting for the family of the deceased to know that the man died not in vain, leaving behind a legacy of a half decent anecdote and a job opportunity for Ms Holden…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Lily Allen’s Private Moments
“LILY LOSES BABY,” announces the Sun’s front-page headline. “Star and lover in shock after tragedy.”
Lily Allen was pregnant and now she is not. This is front-page news. It is “Lily’s tot anguish”. Lily and her boyfriend are “heartbroken”.
Says Lily’s spokesperson: “She and Ed Simmons will be making no further comments and we ask that their privacy be respected during this difficult time.”
The Sun hears you. If you want to see celebrities in pain and maybe even hospitalised tune into Dancing On Ice. This is real life. Look away.
The Sun repeats the statement in full. Privacy for “distraught” Lily is all…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan And Britney Spears Dominate Media
PARIS Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears – The Three Disgraces – dominate the mainstream medaia. The Associated Press are committed to covering everything Britney does.
The sex tapes, the drinking, the crime and the attention seeking. Click the graphic for a timeline. Pic: Gawker
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
The Other Tom Cruise Scientology Video
THE video of Scientologist Tom Cruise is here. And here’s the one of him in conversation with Will Smith, tested on his knowledge of L Ron Hubbard’s lexicon:
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (22)
