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Celebrities | Anorak - Part 367

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

X-Rated X Factor’s Sex Hell X-Clusive

niki-x-factor.jpgWITH the world going potty for reality TV show winner Leon Lewis, the Sport looks at the woman who came fourth in TV’s X Factor.

But fame for NIKI EVANS has come at a price. In “X FACTOR NIKI SEX STALKER HELL,” NIKI EVANS tells us: “He writes to me quite a bit, fantasising about what we could do together sexually, the notes are very, very sexy and extremely graphic – to the point where I have to read them a couple of time to understand what he’s going on about.”

We feel her pain. Does she have the letters to hand?

But NIKI EVANS says she is not worried about her “STALKER HELL” because “I doubt he could find me”. So says the “ex-dinner lady from Polesworth, Staffs”, married to “Darren”…

Posted: 24th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


t.A.T.u Maxim Out

tatu.jpgJULIA Volkova and Lena Katina, members of the group t.A.T.u, have a new song out.

Having dressed up as schoolgirls (Britney Spears) and rubbed each other with all the eroticism of a frotting Japanese commuter traveller fingering his umbrella (Spice Girls) they are now in the Russian edition of Maxim magazine.

Julia is pregnant and she’s showing the world her tummy (Britney again). The picture is taken from the US celebrity site Perez Hilton (Jade Goody in Mrs Slocombe’s hair).

Who does the image appeal to? The twosome’s fans who buy their records? Men on government registers living in caravan parks on the Welsh coast? Or news editors and hacks looking for stories and afraid of being caught looking at porn?

Posted: 23rd, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


Lindsay Lohan: How To Make Empathy Addiction Pay

lindsay-lohan.jpgTHE Sydney Morning Herald reports that Linsday Lohan:

“The troubled Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan is the last person you would expect to be on the receiving end of a little Aussie ingenuity but not everyone has friends like the Australian playboy Andy Valmorbida.

“After playing host at his family’s marquee at the Melbourne Cup with Rachel Hunter, Valmorbida has returned to Hollywood to work on a deal for Lohan to indirectly endorse a nicotine substitute to help smokers quit.

“His Aussie friends inform PS the deal requires Lohan to hold the packet of special gum in view of the paparazzi so it can be captured in the frame and published worldwide.”

Can it be that the young and impressionable will see Lohan and bypass the actual smoking, moving straight onto the patches? Look out for new celebrity trend as the starlets take measures to stop a ‘tried and emotional’ addiction before it occurs.

Lohan is for hire. Watch out for the older Lindsay Lohan making her comeback years from now by endorsing her Fire Crotch range of security underwear and personal gems on one of Wyoming’s premier shopping channels…

Picture: 14 

Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Amy Winehouse Does Bryan Adams’ Cold Turkey

amy-winehouse.jpgIT’S tuning into a terrific Christmas with Amy Winehouse and family.

As we join in another verse of The Amy And The Priory, the Sun notes that Bryan Adams is the latest pop star to take note of the publicity Amy is enjoying (surely enduring, ed) and offer to help.

“Amy has been invited to Mustique to stay with Bryan Adams,” says a friend. “He is keen to help her.”

And it won’t be a table for two, but one for three. As the Sun says, Mick Jagger has a home on the island. Says the friend: “Mick could join them. He has also said he wants to help Amy.”

“GO GO GO!” orders the Mirror. No, not to the Caribbean, but to prison to see Amy’s one man chartered surveying firm Blake Fielder-Civil.

Says Blake’s mum Georgette: “When Amy’s out all night, she can’t get up the next day and keeps missing prison visits…I have to ring her sometimes six time a day to remind her to get up, get washed and get over there.”

Indeed. Given that news, the daily quotes from Amy’s father Mitch and that open letter from her mum it’s not hard to see Winehouse enjoying a Christmas lunch with Jagger and Adams.

Pass the cold turkey, lads…

Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Poker’s Pamela Anderson Creates An Illusion With Criss Angel

pamelaandersonrick.jpg“DID an illusionist come between Pamela Anderson and her professional poker-playing hubby, Rick Salomon?” asks the New York Post.

Anderson has been appearing on stage in New York as a pneumatic Debbie McGee to magician Hans Klok’s Paul Daniels.

The promotional shot for the show Hans Klok – The Beauty of Magic features a bouffant-haired Klok fanning a pack of cards. Klok exudes all the machismo of French knickers. Klok is “the world’s fastest magician,” we learn. Take two bottles into the shower? Klok takes ten and still gets the job done on time. It’s magic.

But it’s not Klok who has been “cozying up to” Anderson, rather “publicity-loving illusionist Criss Angel”.

Salomon, who stars in the straight-to-tissues video One night in Paris Hilton “hit the roof when he found out Pam was hanging out with Criss while he was off at a poker tournament. They had a huge fight”. And now Anderson has filed for divorce.

Who gets custody of the ubiquitous home move remains to be decided.

Mingle with a better class of person in the casino – and qualify for Anorak’s bonus

Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Gilding The Lily Allen

lily-allen-ring.jpgTODAY’S Lily Allen comes via the Mirror’s 3AM girls (now reduced to just two in number).

Readers see a picture of Lily’s fingers and an array of Argos rings.

The 3AM girls wonder if one of these trinkets is an engagement ring, supplied to Lily by her lover Ed Simons.
Hard to say, not only for us but also for the Mirror’s showbiz experts. All we can advise is that they watch this space and check Lily’s fingers for signs of rust and toxic shock…

Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Rupert Everett: Celebrity Quote Of The Day

SAYS foppish Britsh actor Rupert Everett in the Times: “Hollywood is a place that pretends it’s very liberal but it’s not remotely. It’s like Al-Qaeda.”

Everett says his sexuality has cost him “tons” of leading roles during his career.

Everett is a both grounded and talented…

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment


The Kids Are in Sight: Spice Girls, Posh T-Shirts And Chelsea’s Little Dennis Wise

posh-spice.jpgWHEN did it begin, this habit of celebrities introducing their children to the fans?

The first time the Anorak really noticed the incongruous presence of a celebrity child was when little Dennis wise, Chelsea’s ankle-biting fire starter captain, carried his son Henry Wise up the Wembley steps to collect the FA cup.

Little Dennis and even Littler Henry formed a mawkish, sugar-coated double act. We’d have enjoyed it – and there is a little shame here – had little Henry stuck two fingers up to the camera, and so the watching millions at home, or projectile vomited into the venerable old cup. The tin lid put on the tableau by Little Dennis then plonking Littler Henry in the cup.

All we got was the Wise family day out, the cloying image of a footballer stood on the hallowed turf soaking up his memories in the company of his boy, who had achieved his life’s apogee aged three.

Now we see in the Telegraph the Spice Girls introducing their children to the crowd at the O2 Arena, London. Undoubtedly there would be some Spice fans who enjoy seeing the kids stage centre, so too man in caravan sites in Rhyl and grandmas and grandpas.

Child welfare campaigners may care to note that the younger Beckham, identifiable by the word “POSH” on his T-shirt, is wearing huge ear protectors, like he’s listening to the sound of a drill, nails being dragged down a blackboard or his mum encouraging the fans to “Make some NOI-Y-SE!”

The two more Beckham children also sport “POSH” T-shirts, one up form “I love my mum” baby grows. The other Spice Children at least get to dodge the shame in their unbranded gear, and in years to come can pretend that the middle-aged women in the boob tube is not their mum but a singer they met by dint of winning a crayoning competition.

NB: Geri Halliwell’s daughter Bluebell was the only Spice child missing. Why is not made clear…

Pic: 14 

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)


Amy Winehouse Chews Over A Spell On Remand

winehouse-trippy.jpgMORE signs that the police are obsessed by celebrity in news on Amy Winehouse.In a piece in which the Sun’s new showbiz writer Gordon ‘Prime Minister of Showbiz’ Smart says “prisoners are very protective of their women”, he hears “pals” wonder if Winehouse was arrested because they wanted to get a sample for her DNA.

As one “mate” says: “In the raid they reckon they found gum with coke in it. But to do a DNA test they need to arrest you.”

Can it be that when police smashed down the door of the Winehouse residence (see pictures in all papers) they were not looking for evidence of her husband’s alleged role in a plot to pervert the course of justice but a dabble of cocaine?

Did the cops seize a piece of chewing gum believed to have been chewed by Winehouse, not because they are celebrity potty and wanted souvenir of their night out but because they were gathering evidence?

Over in the Express, readers get the headline: “Amy’s mission ‘to get herself locked up’.” Can we thus expect to see the winger hawking mashed up bits of chewing gum on street corner, or lobbing them at police cars?

One thing we do know for certain: if Winehouse does go to remand it will be in an open-topped Black Maria surrounded by grinning, media friendly policemen…

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Jesus Christ Was A Celebrity: Danielle Lloyd’s Wondering Star

jesus-celebrity.jpgDID Jesus have the X Factor?

No one attracts celebrities like Jesus. And today Star readers spot Danielle Lloyd telling Star readers how she’s going to celebrate the birth of A-lister Jesus Christ.

Dressed as Jesus would have been at the moment of his birth, albeit with a thong and fluffy hat to keep out the chill (it’s a lot warmer in Bethlehem, folks), Danielle says she is seeing her footballer on Christmas Day.

Lloyd tells us that the OK! Christmas party was “great”. But she won’t be eating too much over Christmas, even if gravy can stain your skin a light browny orange. Danielle has a fitness DVD coming out.

Keep fit with Danny by pulling on a G-string, standing in a chilly photographer’s studio and flapping your arms about, dashing along a pavement to Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s offices, and chasing footballer’s cars…

Amen

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Celebrity Christmas With The Geldofs

bob-geldof.jpgCELEBRITY Christmas with the Bob Geldofs.

Says Peaches Geldof in the Sun: “At Christmas dinner if I leave something on my plate he goes, ‘Peaches, remember the f***ing Africans…”

At grandpa’s house this Christmas: “My dad will be there, drunk on wine, spewing about the past and singing couple of Boomtown Rats hits while I cry in the corner.”

Can you feel sorry for the precocious Peaches?

Picture: 14

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Michael Jackson: Post Its From The Edge

jackson.jpgIS that Michael Jackson on the Mirror’s front page?

Recognising someone whose face really does change in the wind, and often gets stuck, is no easy thing.

I recall a trip to a Rod Stewart concert. Rod kicked footballs into the crowd and crowed. But a look around the stadium at all the shaggy blonde heads and leggings in the seats encouraged thoughts that the figure on stage was an impostor and the real Rod was taking time out to enjoy himself, literally.

Rod, of course, always looks the same. His is a look that can be purchased in any costumiers and joke shop. Jackson is a far trickier thing, requiring imagination and skill with plastercine and clay.

But the Mirror seems certain it is Jackson. As it writes on its front page: “ELASTO JACKO – Shambling round a book shop, his face covered in plasters, what has happened to the one-time King of Pop?”

Readers will see what the Mirror calls “half a dozen plasters” stuck to his face. “Sticko Jacos,” says the Sun’s front-page headline. Jackson is the Mail’s “plaster of disguise”. But what if these flaps are his face?

Looking at Jackson, you may call to mind Ming Campbell, former leader of the LibDems. At a party conference a cardboard effigy of the great man was erected and delegates invited to stick on Post It notes, each one containing an idea what would make the LibDems might once more.

Might this be Jackson executing a similar marketing plot, asking for suggestions as to what his next face should look like? And if you can make room for five lips, seventeen noses, four cheek bones and every shade of white and brown, so much the better…

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Lily Allen’s One A Day Headline Maker

lilyallen.jpgONE day on from Lily Allen’s pregnancy announcement, the Express produces its daily picture of the singer and finds no need to comment on what Lily’s said, Lily’s family or Lily’s weight. No small miracle.

Instead we are invited to observe Lily’s lit cigarette and heed an onlooker say: “Presumably she knew she was pregnant then – so let’s hope she has packed in the evil weed by now.”

Look out for Lily smoking one cigarette a day from now until little Argos is born…

Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


John Edwards Love Child ‘Scandal’, Rielle Hunter Responds

john_edwards.jpg SAYS the National Enquirer: “UPDATE: NATIONAL ENQUIRER WORLD EXCLUSIVE: JOHN EDWARDS LOVE CHILD SCANDAL!”

John Edwards is the Presidential candidate with the smooth hair and decent teeth. He cannot fail.

But now the Enquirer reports that his winning look, allegedly, worked on one blonde named Rielle Hunter. She is more than six months pregnant — “and she’s told a close confidante that Edwards is the father of her baby!”

For his part, Edwards has denied having an affair with Rielle. And where is she? The magazine says Rielle has “gone into hiding” – “living in an upscale gated community near political operative Andrew Young, who’s been extremely close to Edwards for years and was a key official in his presidential campaign.”

And now married father Young says he is the father of Rielle’s baby.

Says Rielle said: “The fact that I am expecting a child is my personal and private business. This has no relationship to nor does it involve John Edwards in any way. Andrew Young is the father of my unborn child.”

End of story. Says a source: “Rielle told me she had a secret affair with Edwards. When she found out that she was pregnant, she said he was the father.”

Says the Enquirer: “Rielle loves Edwards and will do anything to protect him, the source says.”

And Enquirer reporter confronts her. Says she: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Why is she living in Young’s gated community? Says she: “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Who fathered her baby? Says she: “I have no idea who you’re talking about or what you’re talking about.”

When asked if there was a string in the back of her body that can be pulled to make her talk, Rielle replied: “I have no idea what you’re talking about…”

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: National Enquirer, Politicians | Comments (13)


Kerry Katona’s Meet Pie

kerry-katona.jpgHOW do you top Kerry Katona and a Nolan sister?

No, not with a tiara, a pink Stetson hat or an Anthea Turner fright wig. TV’s most winsome double act since Hale and Pace – Kerry and Nolan advertise Iceland’s seasonal fare of boozie brownies, bloated guests, annoying hostess and squirrel vol-au-vents (see last year’s ad) – cannot be bettered. Or so you thought.

Now Kerry has a new sidekick, an Alsatian dog called Meet Pie, as OK! reports.

The “massive” Alsatian is surely the most suited partner Kerry has has to date. Sit up and take note, Nolan. Roll over and play dead Bryan McPadding (Kerry’s ex).

Kerry Katona has met her match…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)


The OK! Christmas Party: Come As They Are

chantelle-jordan.jpgTO the OK! Christmas party, where Nikki Grahame is dressed up as a green elf, in much the same fashion as Jordan is later in this week’s organ.

Nikkkkki’s outfit is loose, baggy even. Jordan’s outfit clings to her like the Hulk’s remnants.

And then we read that Nikki has accused OK! guest Chantelle Houghton of stealing her boyfriend. And this is Chantelle who has new breasts and a make-up that says Chernobyl No. 5.

She looks not unlike Jordan, who is dressed up as a green elf.

And on it goes…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


Nuns Save Britney Spears

“BRITISH nuns have vowed to save troubled Britney Spears.”

The news gets only more fantastic when the Daily Star says that these nuns have chosen “us to be the angels of deliverance by passing on the message”.

The “us” are the Star’s “THE goss girls”, who readers might expect to illustrate this news dressed up as naughty nuns, Hen Night angels and Britney Spears in her schoolgirl years.

They don’t. But they might…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Stuffing The Bird: Jordan Is The Virgin Mary

jordan-1.jpgIT is easier for Jordan to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for casting directors to breathe new life into the nativity.

All celebrities want to be Mary and Joseph and Jesus. But only three can, meaning Kerry Katona ends up as a townsperson, Anthea Tuner becomes a shepherd and the story is contemporised to feature seventeen kings, twenty-five archangels and Girls Aloud as a local act who can’t get into the f*****g inn neither.

Jordan is a professional. And if she can’t be Mary then she will be an elf or Mrs Clause or dress up as a lapdancer, getting into the seasonal cheer but pulling on stockings and making quips about Santa’s sack.

Jordan’s all things to all people motif is carried through to her Christmas dinner. As she tells us: “On Christmas Day I think I’ll do a bird in a bird in a bird – a duck in a chicken in a turkey.”

It’s as if in some way Jordan’s time in the Hugh Heffner house has affected her. And what odds the thing goes wrong and ends up looking overstuffed as the turkey is lubed up and forced into the duck’s breast cavity?

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


Celebrity Policing With Amy Winehouse

winoblake11.jpgAMY Winehouse has been arrested in connection with an investigation into claims that her husband Blake perverted the course of justice.

And that means more words from Mitch Winehouse, Amy’s father who appears to be her spokesperson but remains forever billed as a cab driver. Mouthpiece- Cabbie might well be a new conjoined career, like Model-Actress and Celebrity-Judge.

Mitch tells the Star: “My main concern is my daughter’s welfare.”

Mitch tells the Mail: “Obviously we’ll have to wait and see what police plan to do next, but as for Amy being arrested, it is all above board and she is merely helping in any way she can.”

Always good to help the police. It was the singer Myleene Klass who told us: “It takes a great degree of determination and dedication to police our streets.” Said fellow chanteuse Katie Melua: “I’d have loved to have been a police officer, when I was younger other than being a songwriter it was my dream job. It’s so important for the public to feel safe on the streets.”

Celebrities who want to be police. And police who arrest Winehouse and then tell us that she not been charged.

As Mick Hume wrote: “It seems that the authorities are developing a habit of trying to use celebrities as ‘reverse role models’, holding them up as examples of the social ills against which the police must protect the nation’s youth.”

Pete Doherty epitomises the kind of thing the police have to face. So too Winehouse, who the Sun says is screaming and crying as she is arrested. It’s the kind of thing police fans can see on any number fo TV shows, like ‘Police Stop’, ‘Scum Bus’ and ‘Look Out For The Stairs, Sambo’.

Only this one’s got special guest stars…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


A Bit Parky For Judi Dench

parky.jpgJUDI Dench is on the Michael Parkinson show. As ever with Dame Dench there is drama: her cardigan has fallen open.

How do you follow Mohammed Ali mouthing off, a lifetime of Billy Connolly anecdotes and being attacked by Rod Hull’s Emu?

Such was the concern in the Parkinson’s production office. One idea was for Ant ‘n’ Dec to recreate the Top Ten Parkinson moments, with music by the Billy Connolly All Stars dressed up as emus.

But no need. Here comes Dench, proving that when it come to flashing royals she is every bit the equal of Queen Helen Mirren and Sophie Wessex.

Notes the Mail: “On show was not only her fishnet bodystocking and black bra, but also five inches of soft tummy.”

The Mail notes that the moment has “echoes of Judy Finnegan’s appearance at the National Television Awards” when her top opened and TV’s John Leslie, later to become embroiled in a sex tape shaming, stepped forward to hide the sight from view, a move many commentators found ageist.

It is clear that Dench should play Finnegan in the biopic of the queen of daytime telly. And if Parkinson can play Finnegan’s TV partner Richard Madeley, we have a fitting and salting tribute to Parkinson’s career…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


The Ex-Factor: How Leon Jackson Ended Reality TV Singing

simon_cowell.jpgLEON Jackson is the nation’s “newest star”. So says the Mirror of the winner of TV’s X Factor talent show.

The Sun says Jackson is a “character waiting to bust out of his shell”.

In “LEON: I’ll be the 2008 Caner of the Year,” the Sun’s Gordon Smart says Jackson drinks vodka and Redbull, is a “lager monster” and “has even sampled the devil’s brew Buckfast”.

The paper is banking on a drunken Jackson being more talented than his weepy sober pre-celebrity self. Jackson’s adventures with drink will make him a victim, and better able to be broken on the wheel of the tabloids. Given his singing style, we expect Jackson Hic-Ups Motown to be in the shops in time for Easter.

For now, the main story circling Jackson’s head is that he should not have won the show.

The Mail says 1,500 viewers have complained about the X Factor result. (*A study by the Anorak Foundation of Institutionalised X-Factor (AFIX) found that voters on TV phone votes are 26 times more likely to complain via the phone.)

Rhydian Roberts, the kind of act you see presenting Finland on Eurovision night, finished the show in second place. His supporters are complaining that phone lines were jammed and their votes unrecorded. The Mail’s Allison Pearson uses the full might of her column to talk of the “travesty” of Rhydian’s lost votes. How did he lose to the “tone-deaf” Jackson?

In the Star, Rhydian has “snubbed” the X Factor after show party. Readers hear the words “stitched up”, “fixed” and “pinch of salt”.

ITV counters the allegations by saying that Jackson won by a “10 per cent margin”. How many votes that is we aren’t told. It might be six, two or a hundred. If it were hundreds of thousands, ITV would most like tell us, bragging about it, even.

But they don’t. And the real story might not be that Leon Jackson is the latest karaoke singer to make it big, but that he will be the last…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (11)


Lily Allen’s Baby Argos

lilyallen.gifENCOURAGING news from the world of celebrity where Lily Allen is pregnant.

Having almost exhausted ways to talk about Lily’s weight and health, and fearful of repeating puns based on her one big hit Smile, showbiz writers were searching for something new.

Lily could “hit out” at Noel Edmonds, as she has already hit out at Victoria Beckham, Courtney Love, the music industry, Libertines fans, Lindsay Lohan and more.

But now she is pregnant we can look forward to reading about Lily’s pregnancy, debating the merits of calling a boy Argos, deliberating Lily’s post-pregnancy weight and hearing her new song, Smile – Baby Blues mix…

At worst I feel bad for awhile/ But then I just smile…

Picture: The Spine 

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Cher Tightens Chastity’s Belt

cher.jpgYOU can pick your friends. In Hollywood you can pick your teeth, your nose and even your buttocks.

And as Angelina Jolie and Madonna have shown, you can even pick your children.

But you cannot control how things will turn out. Teeth blacken. Hair plugs shrink. Children fill out.

And on first sight a person here at Anorak Towers did observe Cher’s statuesque daughter and opine “So that’s what she did with the spare bits”.

The Enquirer observes that Chastity weighs 23st 3lbs, “the same weight as the average female grizzly bear”, also called Chastity.

Says a source: “Cher loves Chas and wants to save her from digging her own grave with a knife and fork.”

We could say that the exercise would do her good. It would be no small thing to excavate an area large enough to encase the Cher offspring.

But we return to our original premise about celebrities picking things they hope best reflect them. And how not everything can be controlled…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (5)


Does Jessica Simpson Take It Like Beckham?

tony-romo-jessica-simpson.jpgDO American football fans chant? Reading in the Enquirer that Jessica Simpson is dating Dallas Cowboys’ player Tony Romo, we wonder what reception this romance gets in the stands?

Americans soccerists being reared on the sport by David Beckham may care to note that every one of his games for Manchester United began when his wife sat down.

Fine Beckham moves and passes were shot and re-shot on cameras, the floodlights dimmed and brightened to ensure David looked his best. When Beckham struck the ball, executing the Beckham Bend the crowd would blow on swannee whistles (pass), and slide trombones (shot).

Over in the US, we wonder if Jessica Simpson’s presence is not really well met or if she remains under the cosh of the proctologist’s eternal puzzler “Does she take it up the a**e?”…

Let us hope that the Beckham effect has tamed the barbarians…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (2)


Angelina Jolie Moulds Shiloh Into One Of Hollywood’s Leading Sados

shiloh-pitt-choc.jpgSHILOH Pitt can be seen sat on the arm of her mother, the lithesome Angelina Jolie. Both are on the cover of the National Enquirer.

More often, Shiloh can be seen sat at a corner table at Nobu Malibu, a restaurant nine out of ten Sons And Daughters of Stars (Sados) find easier to say than L’Orangerie or Spago (Suri Cruise can say all the names of LA’s leading restaurants in fifteen Earth languages).

You’d suppose wearing Armani Junior and eating miniature black cod with her homeys would give Shiloh all she needs. But the Enquirer says the girl may need more. She may need more love.

As the front-page headline asks: “DOES ANGELINA HATE HER OWN BABY?”

Says Jolie: “I felt so much more for Maddox and Pax because they are survivors and Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born”; she’s the “outcast in the family because she is so blonde and blue-eyed”.

Much shock and outrage. “What an emotional blow for Shiloh,” writes a fan.

A Dr Judy Kuriansky, a psychologist, says Angelina is “setting Shiloh up for deep psychological trauma”.

Such is the Jolie love for Shiloh. What chance do the rest of the Jolie-Pitts have of fitting in with Los Angeles society if only Shiloh is developing a psychosis? Dr Judy says Shiloh will be “consumed with insecurity” should Angelina adopt more children.

Bring them on, say we. Nothing makes for a better anecdote on a TV chatshow than a teenage life of angst and insecurity. Shiloh will thank her mother one day, and very possibly from the front page of the National Enquirer…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (8)