Celebrities | Anorak - Part 418

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Spot The Dummy

‘How can a clam cram in a clean cream can? Big question. A good question. The kind of question that keeps the Big Brother quartet talking loud and long into the night.

Jade keeps her mouth shut for once

But while three out of four get their heads around the problem, one struggles to get her mouth round the words. And her name is Jade. For reasons best described as cruel, Jade was allowed to read the rules for the final task.

One has to spin plates (Kate); one has to perform magic tricks (Jonny); one has to play an accordion (Alex) and one has to be a ventriloquist. And that last job fell on Jade’s broad shoulders.

Having extracted her puppet from the box, Jade called it William, compared its hair to Tim’s (the best line uttered by Jade thus far) and placed her hands somewhere guaranteed to have a watching PJ squirming with confused memories.

The cast then got down to drinking a blend of lager, cider and rose wine. Jonny felt sick; and to facilitate the upchuck, Jade stayed close by. Who needs fingers down the throat when you have Jade? Not Jonny.

Soon Alex went to bed. Jade went to bed. And Jonny fawned and fondled a drunken Kate, asking her to get in the pool in her undies.

Any more of this and Jonny will be the next one to leave, taken away at speed in the back of a van with blacked out windows and a siren on the roof.

The end is coming, and it needs to come quick.

Posted: 24th, July 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mange Tout, Kate?

‘ALL ‘Porchugenees’ speakers beware – Jade is interested in your language and plans to murder it at her considerable leisure.

Pork scratch and sniff

Over the past few weeks, Jade has come to resemble some Del Boy/Hilda Ogden hybrid. ‘Mange tout, mange tout,’ says Del Girl. ‘Look at my lovely muriel,’ says the linguist who sounds like her tongue has been placed in the immortal Ogden rollers.

Alex is still her main source of information, her window on plant earth. This is dangerous, and although Alex is well travelled, and has a German mother, he is still not the last word on international relations.

The last word is usually Jade’s. And when Kate and Jonny began to take the rise out of her, comparing the erstwhile Jade to EastEnders Pat Butcher, the south London terrier chimed in. She told them to stop repeating themselves.

So Kate moved on, wondering if the crowd outside on eviction night would throw pork scratchings at Jade. ‘Repeat! Repeat! Repeat!’ screamed Jade, repetitively.

So Kate tried again. She conjured up an image of Jade lunching like a seal to catch the flying porky bites in her chops.

But Kate and the rest can only wonder what will happen come E Day, when it will be time to say goodbye..

Or bonjour, as Jade might put it.

Posted: 23rd, July 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Four Play

‘OMIGOD! Omigod!! Omigod!!! Yes, we have been treated to the collected thoughts of Kate in the Sunday omnibus.


Jade ripped her trousers. ‘Omigod!’ exclaimed Kate, holding her hands to her face.

Jonny and Jade got into the egg task tunnel (if you don’t know what that is, don’t ask) and swapped clothes against the clock. Then it tipped over. ‘Omigod, that must’ve hurt!’ exclaimed Kate again.

Something else happened. ‘Omigod, I’m such a blonde!’ she exclaimed.

‘We are about to go live on Channel 4,’ announced Davina. ‘No swearing, please.’ ‘Omigoodness!’ exclaimed Kate.

Kate’s consistency may yet be her undoing, the BB psychiatrist warned.

Posted: 22nd, July 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Horny As Helga

”OH my god!’ shouted Kate for the 7,945th time. ‘I’m naked!!’ Well knock me down wiv a fevver.

Jade: Piggin’ gorgeous

The gang were in fine form, as they drank for five-and-a-half hours, as the narrator informed us with his customary accuracy.

It was the day of the 1970s disco, and they had been given a selection of what the BB generation like to think of as Seventies attire. Soon the screen blurred as a parade of fluorescent orange and lime green flashed up.

Jade became something even more scary – Horny Helga. She leered into the BB camera and chanted her new name. A nation urinated in terror. ‘It’s a JOKE,’ she screeched. ‘I don’t look like a porn star!’ A million porn stars nodded in agreement.

But it all ended in tears. ‘I’m not happy about this at all,’ Jade told Kate, again and again. ‘You’ve been talking to Alex about myself!’

Alex was summonsed, but he wasn’t in the mood. ‘If I never see you again, it’ll be far too soon,’ he told Jade, who welled-up and went blubbing to Jonny and Kate, who she had insulted only minutes before.

This isn’t car-crash TV, it’s Potter’s Bar.

Posted: 19th, July 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tim’s Up

”I’D pull me pants down and have a piss in the corner!’ declared Jade, during a typically refined mealtime conversation in the house of Big Brother.

‘If, like me, you fancy me now, you should see me in my glasses,’ says Tim

But others had more important things to think about. Alex and Tim are both up for eviction. The two of them had a heart-to-heart. ‘Oh Tim!’ sighed Alex, after they had discussed their predicament. ‘Oh Alex!’ replied Tim.

Tim is angry because he is being ‘discriminated’ against. Not by the newspapers, who are sharpening their knives for the moment he is expelled from the house, but from Big Brother herself.

‘The fact is, I wear contact lenses,’ he whined in reply to the faceless female voice of BB. ‘Comprendez?!’ He is angry because, although he had taken his contact lenses out in the ‘dorm’, he was still expected to get up and do games (ie, roller disco) in the middle of the night,

Alex is simply losing the will to live – or rather, the peculiar approximation of living that the BB house encourages. ‘I’m just not doing myself any favours,’ he concluded. ‘It would be completely different if different people were in hereĀ…’

It would indeed, Alex. It would indeed.

Posted: 18th, July 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment