Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Of course, this is not as “bizarre” as the Star claims. Diana was the celebrity princess without parallel, the women who told us about her life under surveillance in the nation’s famous houses.
Diana was the star, the ordinary gel done good – Diana was a kindergarten teacher when Prince Charles came calling; Jade worked as a dental nurse. Jade is blonde, so too Diana. Both women speak in strange accents.
We could go on to list more similarities. We could mention Jade’s two sons, her estrangement from the children’s father, her mawkish appearance on the telly and how both women have lived in homes that belong to the state. Both women are less than academic.
Jade has been photographed not wearing a seat belt in a car. Alas, so too Diana.
But we pause there to listen to Jade address a 500-strong audience massed at the South Bank Centre, London’s brutalist arts complex.
The debate is “Reality TV: The New Reality?” and the star turn is Jade. She tells the crowd: “I’ve never looked on myself as a celebrity…I’m famous for nothing. I don’t have talent.”
We remind our readers that this is not Diana speaking but Jade Goody. And she has more to say. Jade talks of her time in the compound: “I controlled myself in the house. There was no one pulling strings.”
What of those tales of heavy editing, how the likes of Danielle Lloyd (boo) and Jo O’Meara (hiss) were made to look worse?
Is this Jade repaying the show’s producers for allowing her to leave the show without crowds baying for her blood? “They didn’t fix my mouth,” says Jade. “I said those things. It was me.”
And then: “They could have cut it out but why should they? It’s reality TV.”
Quite so. Everything is up as a form of entertainment, whether it’s Jade and her gang bullying an Indian woman, Jade’s funeral, Jade’s TV interview with Martin Bashir…
The Big C stands not for Cellulite but Cancer. And for the first time ever Danielle is telling the world about her “ordeal”.
“It was the most terrifying time of my life,” says the Big Brother veteran. “I just thought, ‘Oh my God, I’ve got cancer.”
So scared was Danielle that all her clothes fell off. Luckily she was wearing a clean pair of knickers and a matching bra.
It was just after her breast augmentation procedure that a lump was found.
Had the surgeon left a rubber glove in Danielle’s chest, a cotton wool pad, an Oxo cube? Was it just a piece of fatty tissue? Or did Danielle have cancer?
“It was a nightmare,” says Danielle. “I was worried about it constantly.”
One of Danielle’s breasts was punctured. Danielle felt deflated as a biopsy was taken.
She waited. And then the results became known. And Danielle was given the all clear.
Danielle says the lump is still in her chest.
If the Star would only grab the nettle of innovation and publish in glorious grope-and-sniff its readers could investigate Danielle for themselves.
Instead, those who want to know how Danielle feels are reduced to filling a pop sock with one part chicken breast to two parts buffalo mozzarella and adding a hard pea.
For added authenticity, Anorak recommends an orange sock and inviting a crowd to watch…
“SHAMED JADE: I’M SKINT,” says the Star’s front-page headline.
The sorry truth is that since her showing on Big Brother, Goody has not received a single offer of work.
Over the page, in “JADE’S A BROKEN WOMAN”, readers learn that Jade’s career is in meltdown.
“There‘s nothing coming in – all the work’s dried up,” says Jade. “I’m living of my savings. I haven’t got any work lined up, no TV work.”
As Britain’s foremost village idiot, Jade earned a reported £650,000 a year. She charged £30,000 for a personal appearance. She was to buy a £1.4million house. But now she may have to change her plans.
Self-awareness and visible signs of intelligence would always be Jade’s undoing?
Now Jade – poor Jade – has just £2million left in the bank.
Such is the price of property in Essex that Jade may have to get herself a Mock Tudor studio flat.
It’s a good job she saved her money, and wasn’t as stupid as she looks.
But we have no interest in seeing reality TV stars forced into the less glamorous side of reality. And we urge the programme makers and broadcaster to find a new vehicle for Goody and others who have been pinched by the reality hand that fed them.
Surely there is some as-yet-undiscovered corner of the TV planet that Goody can be sent to for our entertainment?
With the weather warming up, Danielle wears only a pair of white bikini briefs. To avoid accusations of looking cheap or in any way slutty, Danielle employs her elbows to cover her nipples.
But she may feel like throwing her arms in the air at the news that publishers are “battling” to give her £1million for her life’s story.
Surely, say you, all the book company need do to relay the life and times of Danielle Lloyd is to stick a hard back cover on the Star.
But there is so much more to writing a book that cobbling together old quotes, file photos and advertorial. Really. A book needs care. A book needs nurturing.
Indeed, it is a pity that Danielle is no longer on Wagging terms with footballer Teddy Sheringham. As readers know, Teddy has produced an autobiography.
Teddy could have used what he learned from writing ‘Teddy’ to help Dani with plotting and pacing. Take off her top too early in the narrative and Dani risk’s losing her audience for the fuller dressed parts. By all means begin with a bang, but then pace yourself for the final flash of glory.
But even without Teddy’s input, the book will be a winner. The book will tell us what she really thinks of Shilpa Shetty and how Teddy “measures up in bed against other stars”.
As a source close to Danielle tells us: “It will be a red-hot page-turner – full of steamy details about Dani’s love-life and late-night dreams.”
As we say, stick a piece of cardboard around the Star (35p) and job done…
OK! traces the feud back to is roots in the I’m A Celebrity jungle, where Kerry is weeping for her then husband Brian McPadding and Jordan is dallying with pop acorn Peter Andre.
Things are good. Life is easy. Cockroaches are plentiful.
And then Kerry gets divorced. And Kerry marries Mark Croft. And Jordan, now married to the acorn, says: “I think he’s taking advantage of how fragile she is. I’m worried about her being the next Anna Nicole Smith.”
Mark is not a petrified Texas billionaire; Mark is a cabbie from Warrington with a low-rent past. But Kerry is blonde-ish. And that’s enough for Jordan.
But Kerry says Jordan is wrong. Kerry says Jordan is “harsh”. Kerry says Jordan should not judge a person on what she reads in the magazines. Kerry – stunning, talented and blonde, it says here – is out to set the record straight.
Kerry: I am really p****ed off with the things you’ve said recently. I was really hurt!
Jordan: But Kerry, you are still my friend…”
It soon becomes apparent that this tête-à-tête has been recorded before Kerry’s marriage to Mark. Kerry is pregnant, and Jordan, also pregnant, seems to be still bathed in the deep orangey glow of her marriage to the aforesaid acorn.
The girls put rollers in their hair. Kerry picks up a pillow. Jordan wants to know if Kerry has taken drugs. “I have not taken any drugs,” says Kerry. “I do not drink and I haven’t left my house. The last time I had a drink was on January 6. I had a Baileys.”
Katie: You shouldn’t have to justify yourself.
Kerry: [Stating to cy] No, I shouldn’t…
Kerry goes on to tell Jordan how she smoked all through her pregnancy. She is “too trusting”.
Jordan wants to know how Kerry copes with the pressure, the stress, the trials and tribulations of being reality TV royalty (Kerry won I’m A Celebrity and became the jungle queen)? Says Kerry: “I put a big front on, don’t I.”
And finally, after the rift, Jordan and Kerry are on common ground…
As the Star reports, Ian has invited Shilpa and O’Meara to come and see him perform in the musical Fame.
You don’t need an invitation to watch this show, just a spare night, legwarmers and the desire to see H share his desire to live forever.
Says Ian: “Shilpa is coming and I am saving a seat for Jo. I really want her to come. It’s time everyone put what happened on BB behind them and moved on.”
So Big Brother star Ian has issued an invitation to two other Big Brother agonists to join him. But will O’Meara be there?
“I’ve sent messages to her thought friends,” says Ian of O’Meara, “but so far nothing.”
Is Ian worried by the silence – O’Meara has, by her own admission, attempted suicide?
Ian goes on: “I’ve now sent word she’s invited to the opening night of Fame and it would mean a lot if she came.”
Such is O’Meara’s financial state – the Star reminds us how she’s having to sell her £350,000 house to pay the bills – Ian’s invitation may involve the singer selling choc ices in the interval.
But there is no word from O’Meara. Did she get the message that Ian called? And, if not, does she read the Star and thereby learn of Ian’s offer?
Readers may expect an English girl like Danielle to favour the placing of a handbag (white) on the floor and dancing around it in the manner of a fitting Native American Indian circling the settlers’ wagon train.
But times change. Britain is a multi-cultural society. And no one is more sensitive to the needs to blend and tolerate than Danielle.
So here she is winding and grinding up against Charlton Athletic striker Marcus Bent.
Marcus, who once dated thrusting soap babe-cum-Wag Gemma Atkinson, is black.
Might it be that Danielle is keeping track of the football scores and results and adapting her love life accordingly? Like the players, she has no desire to be a second rate Wag.
So she’s grinding Marcus. And she’s not grinding Teddy, who is also at the club. And here comes Teddy now. Teddy is heard telling Danielle to behave.
A friend of the West Ham striker says: “Danielle was snogging the face off Marcus and it looked like he couldn’t believe his luck. She was dancing like a stripper and grinding herself all over him.
“When she saw Teddy she carried on kissing Marcus and they exchanged phone numbers.
“There’s no doubt she did this to wind up Teddy. It worked and he told her so. He has no interest in dating her again.”
And the feeling is mutual. Because over in the Star, Danielle is plucking up courage to congratulate Teddy on his winning the HMV Lifetime Achievement Award.
Says the eyewitness: “He looked straight though her. And he could barely bring himself to talk to her.”
No mention is made of Marcus Bent. The wind and grind remains a thing of tropical mystery for Star readers.
And Danielle is forced to seek her cuddles and love in the arms of Bianca Gascoigne, daughter to Paul Gascoigne and a graduate of the reality TV Love Island academy.
Says a source: “Bianca and Dani danced the night away as though they hadn’t a care in the world. Blokes were practically foaming at the mouth.”
Well, that’s what you get for kissing Danielle…
The Star’s front page has a picture of Danielle dressed in a top that covers her tummy, back and the better part of her breasts. Sadly, Danielle’s backside remains exposed, and we urge you to keep giving and get the model dressed.
But Danielle is not charity case. Danielle is looking to make money for herself. As the Star’s headline announces: “DANI ‘N TED’S £100M POKER BATTLE.”
News is that Danielle is to be the face, arse and breasts of Ladbroke’s “poker empire”. And this will, as the Star says, place her in direct combat with ex-lover Teddy Sheringham, who promotes Victor Chandler’s poker enterprises.
These are heady times in the world on internet poker. And the Star is rightly excited at the prospect of Teddy and Danielle tying to outwit each other in a virtual world.
This will, as the paper says, “be one of the industry’s most compelling contests”. What the other compelling contests are in the world of poker, we would like to know. The Star does not say.
But we do learn that Ladbroke’s became keen on Danielle when she won £10,000 at the Cheltenham Festival last week. We can only imagine by what greater distance Kauto Star would have won the Gold Cup had Danielle been sat astride the beast, horse’s nose and mo-del’s breasts thrusting for the line.
And there is irony at work. As the paper says, Danielle was taught to play poker by Teddy. The pupil becomes the master.
And we look out for Danielle’s winning two pair and Teddy’s busted flush with some excitement…
News is that Jade Goody has been “snubbed” by an Asian magazine.
“SARI JADE, WE JUST DON’T WANT YOU!”
Realising how the Star’s owners once published the top-shelf magazine Asian Babes, we wonder as to exact nature of Jade’s offer.
Was it made to the Star? Is it fit and proper that a non-Asian is barred from featuring in such a magazine? Is such a magazine in breach of good race relations, a divisive organ that threatens to unfurl the fabric of society as it unwraps the lovely Parminder?
Reading on we learn that Jade wanted to feature on the cover of
Britain’s top-selling Asian magazine Asiana.
The Star hears Jade tell Asiana reporter Gurmej Singh Pawar: “I can now tell my kids that Indian people are not Pakistanis.” Not for that matter are they Pakis, Fuckawallahs or Poppadoms. The education never ends.
And Jade wanted to appear on the magazine’s cover.
But it will not happen. Shihab Salim, editor-in-chief of Asiana, tells us: “The option of a photoshoot with her in a sari was flatly rejected.
“It would have been in poor taste…We support Shilpa – and so do our readers.”
Which leaves one other option: will Asiana feature Jade’s fellow Big Brother bully Danielle Lloyd in a sari?
Looking at the Star’s daily front-page shot of Danielle in a bikini, and hearing that a cold snap is due, will the magazine take pity and put some clothes on her?
For students of body language, Her Majesty’s hand is secured within a black glove. Shilpa’s naked hand is on top of the Queen’s, a position of dominance. Her grip is firm.
But there is no diplomatic incident. Shilpa might be the Queen of Bollywood, but she knows her place. And the Sun sees her execute a “deep” curtsy” ”
“Look, be careful with your heels,” warns Prince Philip. But this is no threat. Shilpa should take heed. As the Mail notes, the big moment nearly goes wrong. “I nearly slipped,” says Shilpa, her wooden heels catching in the teeth of a metal grate.
As the Express notes (“After Jade, it’s so good to see you Ma’am”), Shilpa is on hand to deliver an address on tolerance at the Commonwealth Day Observance Service.
Says Shilpa: “In India, in the UK, the world over, we are constantly reminded that we have to cope with difference on a daily basis. It is sometimes hard but unless we do, we have no future.”
Like Jade Goody…
You want the truth? You can’t stand the truth.
But here is Jo O’Meara, onetime singer with S Club 7, preparing to dip her pen in green ink and tell the world about what really went on in the Big Brother house.
As a friend says: “Jo wants to move on with her life and she feels the only way she can put this nightmare behind her is by telling all.”
Many might have supposed O’Meara to have told all there was to tell in print and televised interview. But there is more.
And as soon as she can secure a book deal – a figure of £250,000 is mooted – we can read all about it.
That’s right. Jo has yet to find a publisher. She has a literary agent and very possibly she has a crayon and a sheet of paper. But she has no publishing deal.
But surely the publisher will come. As the paper says, Jo will reveal how Jade was “tipped off” about the ensuing row in the show’s Dairy Room.
She will tell us that the show was edited. Unlike Jo’s book, which promises to be stream of consciousness, a rambling narrative of words and references, unedited, unabridged and unfair.
It was all so unfair. O’Meara is no racist, as she states, just a bully.
So here’s hopping O’Meara gets to write her book.
And that it proves to be every bit as big a hit as Pete Bennett’s music career, Michael Barrymore’s TV comeback and all those others who have appeared on Big Brother and gone on to win fame and fortune…
Now split from her footballer Teddy Sheringham, Big Brother star emeritus Danielle is offering Star readers the chance to join her on a night out.
The chance to join Danielle for a mug of Campari and lemonade at a London club is open to footballers and non-footballers alike.
Danielle has not a prejudiced bone in her orange-skinned body – which today is wrapped in a leopard-print bikini.
Indians, non-Indians, Pakistani’s and non-Pakistanis can join Danielle for a pint by answering a simple question: Is Danielle a racist bully?
No, of course that’s not it. Just our little joke. The question Star readers must ponder is: What city is Danielle from.
It is unclear what the Star means by this, if by “from” the question refers to the city of Danielle’s birth or the city in which she currently lives?
Chances are we will have to go to the tie-breaker, to be screened live on ITV: What does Danielle like to do with a balaclava and a set of Rawl plugs?
TODAY Big Brother’s Danielle Lloyd will be wearing white fishnet sticking, a balconette bra and mauve satin suspenders.
And she will be suing the show that brought her to the nation’s attention.
As the Star reports on its front page (“DANI SUES BB FOR RACE ‘FIX’”), the former Wag, former Miss Great Britain and former Big Brother housemate says the show was edited to make her look like a “giggling racist”. And what’s more, she has “PROOF” she was set up.
Inside the paper and Danielle is dressed in a racially unmotivated black and white bra twin set.
And we read that Danielle’s lawyers accuse Endemol, the company that produces the show, of removing “crucial” footage that when broadcast will clear their client of any charge of racism.
To the Star this is big news. Although it may care to note that the main Big Brother show is a highlights package. And that in the American version billing is given to a “scripting editor”.
Big Brother is a TV show in the same way the news is a selection of what an editor considers to be good bits of information and the weather is an artist’s impression of what is going on in the stratosphere.
But Danielle’s lawyers are not happy. They claim Endemol “neglected their duty of care” towards Danielle and libelled her by editing footage.
The lawyers call Exhibit A.
On the matter of the Ox Cube saga, yer honour, Messers Shetty versus Goody, Lloyd and O’Meara, Ms Lloyd was heard to utter: “Guy’s why are you fighting over an Oxo Cube?” This quote was not broadcast.
All that viewers of the hour-long highlights show bore witness to was Danielle laughing as Shilpa was attacked over said stock cube.
A source tells the paper: “It is as though it was edited to make the situation look even worse than it was and Dani looked bad.”
For their part, Endemol deny any wrongdoing. They have until March 14 to respond at which point Danielle will sue or not sue.
We hope she sticks to her guns and takes the programme to court.
We will be in attendance when Danielle, dressed in a sober black thong and vulnerable black knickers explains how editing made it look like she said of Indian native Miss Shilpa Shetty “She wants to be white”, “She’s a dog” and “I think she should fuck off home. She can’t even speak English properly anyway.”
It promises to be quite a show. She should leave nothing out…
In customary position on the Star’s front page, and in traditional dress of bra, knickers and suspenders, readers are met by the headline: “DANI: MY SEX PEST HELL.”
News is that Big Brother bully Danielle is living in fear of a stalker. “This is a nightmare,” says Danielle.
Racing inside the paper, Danielle is pulling a whip across her bare backside. No doubt this is a thinly veiled warning to her predator. But Danielle would be wise to avoid taking matters into her own hands – she is not some Tony Martin in thigh-high boots and basque.
Danielle says this strange man has gotten close to her. He has entered the grounds to her home. He has scaled the iron gates. But he fled before the police arrived. He sits on a wall opposite her home. He wears a black hood and black jeans. He is “staring”.
Police have advised Danielle to keep her front door locked and to install an alarm linked to the police station.
Danielle’s mum Jackie tells us: “She’s already been through so much. Now she’s got the deal with this.”
Of course, Danielle, a Scouser by trade, could always leave her London abode and go home. So why doesn’t she just go home, back to where she came from? It’s a question Danielle once asked of Shilpa Shetty.
But why should Danielle be cowed? “She’s trying to get on with her life but it is terrifying for anyone to know they are being watched 24/7 by some stranger with a fixation.”
We wonder what Danielle has taken from her Big Brother days. She has been in this situation before.
But however trained she is, the chilling news is that Danielle’s stalker has not been seen for some days.
Where has he gone? Has he tired of Danielle? Does Danielle now hold so little allure?
It might be time for Danielle to wander to her bedroom window in her knickers – and make ready to press that panic button…
This is, as the Sun says, “DELHI DING-DONG”.
Jade, in India on a charm offensive – with a heavy emphasis on the offensive – is said to have been invited to visit Shilpa’s home town of Mumbai. And Jade declined the invitation.
But Shilpa says no invitation was offered.
Says Jade: “I’ve been informed Shilpa has invited me but unfortunately I have commitments with charities. If the offer is still open in the future, I’d like to see her.”
Jade is pictured with a red dot on her forehead. This is reported to be a Hindu tikka, a sign of welcome. Although, what with this being Jade, it could be an angry spot, a dab of kebab ketchup or a dot of blood spat up from an undercooked chicken.
So Jade is most welcome. And India is most welcome to Jade.
But Shilpa is certain she never invited Jade to see her. As her spokesman in India tells us: “Shilpa is not interested to be ‘used’ as a PR tool to Jade Goody. It’s obvious she’s here for the media mileage.”
Sure, she means Jade is in India to tend to the sick and walk among the poor.
As Indian MP Amer Singh tells us: “Everyone knows she’s shedding crocodile tears.”
And Amit Shamra, an Indian journalist, offers us: “We see it as one big damage limitation exercise. Many here have been infuriated by it.”
And then there is the food. Jade won’t eat it. As the Star reports, Jade has ordered lemonade and “snubbed spicy cuisine” in favour of plain chicken or tuna.
A source at Jade’s hotel says the Big Brother star did not want to try any local specialities.
Sad it is that Jade has missed out on Indian experience. The country is fascinating, the people no less so. But ask a Western visitor to India about the food and be met by many tales of erupting liquids and no little seeping.
But Jade is lambasted. “NO INDIAN FOOD…I DON’T WANNA GET DELHI BELLY,” says Jade.
Too much spice, oil and butter can upset even the most expansive stomachs. And though Jade is a composite mix of so much kebab, booze and curry sauce, even she is wise to take care.
We wouldn’t want India to bit her in the bum, would we? Well, would we…
But what has Nikkkkkkki been up to since she left the house and fell out of Big Brother winner Pete Bennett’s bed?
Well, Nikki has a new beau. He’s called Guy Mesgian. He’s a “ray of sunshine,” says OK!. He is also a part-time model and a carpenter.
But how did this romance begin? Nikkkkki says she’s known Guy for a couple of years. “Yes,” says Guy, who adds speaking to his list of attributes, “from down the gym.”
Guy accompanied Nikkkkkki to the OK! Christmas party. But nothing happened.
Guy shared a bed with Nikki. But nothing happened.
The next day Guy went to a TV recording studio with Nikkki. And they kissed.
And they are kissing each other while sat in a hanging chair.
And cuddling. They love cuddling. “We love cuddling, don’t we,” says Nikkki. “Yeah, we love a cuddle,” says Guy.
Is a cuddle a good way of controlling Nikki, of stopping her from flinging herself about the supermarket like a five-year-old spoilt brat popped up on additives and crisps?
“She needs to be shouted at sometimes,” says Guy. “There’s only so much a man can take.”
But Guy knows how to appeal to Nikkkkkki’s childishness. On Valentine’s Day he sent Nikki four big red heart-shaped balloons that said “I love you” on them. There was a bunch of roses. A chocolate heart full of chocolates.
And a teddy bear. Why Guy should send a stuffed toy to his adult lover is debatable, and finer minds that ours will debate the reasons.
Then Nikki and Guy climb into an empty bath…
It is our proud duty to announce that Williams is to receive an award for his Rudebox album.
A little hand clap for some funk faces and make your body move in the following places
His one-fingered gong from music magazine NME is winging its way to the Meadows Clinic, Arizona, where the singer is playing to a small crowd formed into a circle.
You just almost feel the shudder of excitement as an orderly informs a tired, emotional and depressed Williams how awful his music is. The temptation for Williams to do something interesting with his one-finger-salute statuette will be strong.
The Mirror prints a card to salute Robbie’s triumph: “Dear Robbie, Please take as long as you like to recover, you need a good rest – Love – Every music lover on the planet.”
You see, Robbie’s award is for the worst album of 2006. And his work was in a league of its own.
Ok then check the tan line, make your body shape like you’re stood on a landmine
Williams has seen off stiff competition from Lily Allen, The Feeling, My Chemical Romance and Razorlight.
Says NMW editor Connor McNicholas: “Readers have been clamouring to elect Robbie’s Rudebox as the Worst Album. He’s not having a good time of it.”
But Williams should not be too downbeat. My Chemical Romance’s album, The Black Parade, is up for Best Album and Worst Album.
Either British pop music fans operate in very narrow alley or taste is a vague and mobile quality.
And there are always new markets to explore.
As Robbie tells us:
Viva life on Mars I’m calling
Sending my frequency to the galaxy so you can see people down here
Please buy my records…
Kerry is on the cover of OK!.
Pictured with her baby, new husband Mark Croft, we can neither confirm nor deny her claim that he looks like a plucked and gutted bird. Granted, the fuzzy scalp and dipping pointy beak give him the look of a newborn chick, but until we see the legs and feet, the jury is out.
Inside, the matter is cleaned up as Kerry uses her OK! Diary to tell us that the featherless fowl is not husband Mark but baby Heidi Elizabeth.
Kerry recalls how newborn Heidi was defrosted a little early when waters broke six weeks before the due date.
As ever in matters of showbiz births, the celebrity is forced to endure an emergency Caesarean.
But all went well. Heidi was to come out the oven early, a little underdone but if put on a hot incubator tray, left under lights and injected with some water this poussin would be done to a turn.
Just look at her. Says Kerry: “Unfortunately she looks like Mark with his chin and cheeks, but at least she’s got mine and Lilly’s ski-jump nose.”
While we pass on Heidi’s nose (geddit?), Kerry relives the full ordeal of birth.
We begin the event with Mark.
Mark: I thought Kerry had wet the bed when I woke up because I was lying next to a big wet patch.
Kerry’s problems with tears, drink and drugs have been well documented.
Kerry: Screaming. “No, I bleedin’ haven’t – my waters have broken.”
Kerry runs around like “a headless chicken”.
Mark: “I’m dead queasy when it comes to blood, so I nearly passed out at the birth!”
Well, Heidi was a little underdone. And if Big Brother has taught us anything, it is that chickens should be thoroughly devoid of bloody bits…
But this is no gap year excursion. Jade loves her kiddies too much to leave them for an entire year.
This is Jade heading to the former jewel in Britain’s commonwealth crown to say sorry, or “SARI” as the sun has it.
Jade is out to prove that she is not a racist bully. And here she is in India. As the Sun says: “BELLY GOES TO DELHI.”
Jade is currently residing at Le Meridien hotel, a five star establishment in Delhi, a five star city.
Camera crews are camped out in the hotel’s lobby. Reporters are looking for her room. An onlooker calls it “pandemonium”.
And here comes Jade. “Everyone knows I love an Indian,” says Jade. This, by the way, is a joke, identified as such by the Sun. The comment is made as Jade speaks to reporters.
How they must have roared with laughter as Jade punctuated her gag with a plate of mansal dosa (Indian pancake stuffed with onions and potato).
Says Jade: “I’m here on a private visit for four day. People have been really nice. There are no cameras or anything. I’ve paid for the trip myself. I like the food here. Everyone knows I love an Indian.”
Looking at the Sun’s pictures of Jade in India, the impression is that she has arrived when the place is closed.
Five pictures of Jade and all are of her virtually alone. As any non-Indian woman who has journeyed to India knows, you can be mobbed by taxi drivers and randy men throughout your journey. You can be pulled and pushed. You can be cajoled and coerced. But not Jade. Jade is alone. Is India snubbing Jade? Is Jade unclean, an untouchable?
The Mirror (“THE FOOL OF INDIA”) recalls Jade saying: “I’d like to approach the Indian people face-to-face and apologise for the all the pain and hurt I have caused them.”
But they are not here. And Shilpa Shetty, the target of Jade’s repugnant behaviour, is noticeable by her absence.
So Jade says sorry to the winds and the Indians don’t seem overly bothered to hear her say it.
And all the while Jade Goody tucks into that delicious Indian meal. Made by Indian hands. And overhung by Indian mouths, Indian heads and Indian noses…
Danielle is single again. And in The Star’s “WORLD EXCLUSIVE” she will tell us “WHY I DUMPED TEDDY”.
Oh, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy Sheringham, Danielle’s now former footballer. How can it be that he gets dumped when for so long it looked like he was going to be the dumper?
One reason as to why this twist occurred comes on the front-page teaser that lurks just south of Danielle’s bra-clad bosom: “He cheated on me…AND preferred poker.”
“I dumped Teddy for cheating!” says another headline. “Dani tired of his roving eye.”
Surely Teddy, the 40-yer-old former England footballer now warming the bench at West Ham, with a travel rug over his aged knees, had only eyes for his 23-year-old Scouse lover?
And as one of Dani’s pals tell us: “Of course she still loves him, he was the love of her life and she would have happily married him. “
So what occurred? “She was totally devastated that he didn’t see her when she first came out of Big Brother. And then she found out the man she loves did not even step in to defend her when she was on the show.”
Those of us aware of Sheringham’s work will know defending not to be his primary talent. But Danielle would have been just short of her first birthday when Teddy began his striking career at Millwall in 1984.
And this is not all. Dani – repeatedly called a “model” lest we look at the photos of her and draw our own conclusion – says Teddy likes a flutter.
And then there are the rumours of Teddy’s “steamy romps” behind her back.
But Danielle is not one to be cowed. And the Star looks on as she puts on a painted face and heads for a night out on the sticky carpet at London’s Embassy club.
But for his part, Teddy says he finished with her. As his spokesman says: “Teddy only wants to be on the sports pages of the papers.”
And that is where we turn to in the effort to get Danielle a new man. But Asian footballers are thin on the ground, so we put forward cricketer Monty to do the job.
Come on Monty, what do you say?
Further proof that the Star believed the charmless Danielle Lloyd would be a hit on Big Brother as it once more leads with a picture of the mo-del.
Danielle, now billed as Dani, is seen in a pair of black knickers and matching bra. Dani has nothing against black, that much is clear. Black, white, red or shocking pink, Dani will wear whatever colour of underwear she likes and damn the consequences.
Inside the Star, the colour issue is rendered null and void as Dani is pictured in black and white. She has removed her bra. She is lying on her front.
And she is speaking. Dani says she’s been out with some “rotters” – “and they weren’t the best looking lads in the world.”
So looks matter? No. Not to Dani, who is now topless. “But it’s what on the inside that counts. As long as you’re fun and you’re someone I can have a laugh with, you’ve got a chance!”
This, the Star says, is “sure to be music to men all over the country”. White man, brown men, black me, red men and yellow men.
And while men work out how to make Dani laugh – we advise bullying an Asian girl – Dani goes on.
“I like my bum,” says Dani, who offer it up for our appraisal. “My bum and my eyes get the most compliments. And my smile – people say I have nice teeth.”
“IT’S clear that Jade still needs her anger management therapy. Dani looked shell-shocked.”
Looking shell-shocked is what Danielle Lloyd, for it is she, does well, what with her being a mo-del and all.
But does she deserve to be confronted by Jade Goody in what the Star’s front page is calling “BB JADE ‘N DANI IN BAR BRAWL”?
We had thought Jade was enjoying the padded luxury of The Priory celebrity resort. But here she is in a bar exploding with “rage” and hurling “vile insults” at Big Brother’s Danielle Lloyd.
Jade, described as “furious”, is seen “squaring up to Danielle” and launching a “scathing attack”. The venue is Nu Bar in Loughton, a “popular footballers’ wives drinking den”.
Jade is said to be upset that while she goes to The Priory and does public penance to save her career as the UK’s premier village idiot, Dani swans off to Dubai and back into the arms of her footballer, Teddy Sheringham.
Both Jade and Danielle stood accused of bullying Shilpa Shetty in an attack many saw as racist. But while Jade was been forced to look sorry and even managed to cry on camera, Danielle went to Dubai.
Of course, Anorak realised that Danielle’s time in the sun would turn her skin darker and best enable her to get in touch with her inner Shilpa.
But while Dani transforms into a deep sunset orange, Jade continues to look white.
And what will never do…
So says the Star’s front page. And reading on we learn that “Big Brother bully” Jade Goody – rebranded Jade Hoody – is within the cushioned walls of The Priory.
But why? It was not too long ago that Jade was beaming with delight as she took possession of her new £1.5million Essex pile.
Surely she could recuperate from fame’s vicissitudes within its expansive walls, with her two children and lover Jack Tweedy for support and love?
But it is not enough for “Sad Jade”. If she is to return to the fore and be forgiven, Jade need to do penance in the required celebrity manner. And that means a prolonged stay in The Priory clinic.
As the Star reports, Jade is depressed after her incessant bullying of Shilpa Shetty.
A source says: “She spends every day thinking about what happened with Shilpa and is not over it at all. Being called a racist is not something you forget and she can’t cope with everything that has been said.”
So she needs help? “The therapy sessions at The Priory are where she can open up and be honest about how she feels.”
The Priory is like Big Brother, an enclosed house for the needy and emotional. Jade was pretty open on the show, banging on about this and that, frotting her lover between belches. Jade opened up and we peered at the unsightly mess within.
So there goes Jade in her huge Range Rover through the centre’s gates. It is a trip she’s made before. And while we wonder if Jade has a loyalty card, or if she qualifies for a discount on account of still feeling low after previous treatments, we hear of a cure.
As the source tells us: “It could take weeks or months, and even then she may only get over it if she can meet Shilpa again.”
The odds are slimmer than an Indian chicken chef of the Bollywood babe stooping to save Jade’s career.
But on a brighter note, the Star says Jade has just been handed a “symbolic rainbow of roses” by an Iranian man on behalf of his community.
Well, not the whole rainbow, obviously – roses don’t come in brown, not unless they’re dying…
For those of you unversed in Danielle’s work, she is dressed for the job in a pair of white hotpants and little else. Danielle might be a bigot and a bully, but she knows how to play to her strengths.
So here is Danielle on the Star’s front page. And there is a back story.
Danielle has been out for the night with a coffee-skinned pal called Leeandra Anderson.
At the apogee of Danielle’s Big Brother notoriety, Leeandra arrived on daytime TV. She was on This Morning. As a dark-skinned girl known to Danielle, Leeandra was Exhibit B in Danielle’s defence against racism.
And if any more evidence were needed – and before Danielle’s could show us her Beyonce CDs and how a cousin drinks her coffee black – Danielle and Leeandra kiss.
At a night out lapdancing in Stringfellows with her dark friend and her mum – remarkably, Danielle was watching and not performing – Danielle puckers up.
The Star’s picture shows Danielle grabbing Leeandra’s face in her left hand. Her right arm is hooked around Leeandra’s neck. Leeandra’s eyes are shut. Danielle’s eyes are open.
Danielle knows what she is doing. And if she can do it in a G-string and no bra, then so much the more tolerant…
Given the popular reaction to her time in the Big Brother house, any interview with Danielle Lloyd is bound to be laced with more than a hint of exclusivity. After all, who else but the Star would want to hear from the woman accused to racism, bigotry and bullying?
So here is Danielle. Pictured on the point of nearly exposing a nipple on the Star’s front page, Danielle tells us: “I’M BACK IN BED WITH MY LOVER TEDDY.”
Teddy is Teddy Sheringham, Danielle’s middle-aged footballer. And there is the former England player, age 39, out on the town with 23-year-old Danielle.
Looking happy to see her man, and happier still to see a camera looking at her, Danielle and Teddy are out for what the Star says is the first time since she embarked on her Big Brother journey.
The Stars says the couple had agreed to take things slowly, but what with Teddy’s advancing years and Danielle’s need to grasp the nettle of her fame before we lose interest, things cannot wait.
So here they are off to see We Will Rock You in London’s West End. The paper watches the pair hold hands throughout the show, which may have prevented them from fully joining in with Radio GaGa’s overhead handclapping.
Then it’s off to “posh” Asia de Cuba eatery in Covent Garden.
Teddy cracks open a bottle of champagne – well, it is Valentine’s night, and he is a footballer.
Stopping short of handing Danielle an odourless rose wrapped in a pair of novelty knickers that play “I’m Too Sexy For My Vase” when placed in water, Teddy takes his lover’s hand and leads her back to his Essex pile.
A show. A dinner. Champagne. And now this. Will the magic never end?…