Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
With England coach Steve McClaren watching form the stands amid 5,543 fans at the Home Depot Center, Beckham scores two goals and has three “assists” (USA Today) in a 12-4 rout of Antony LaPaglia’s Hollywood United.
Indeed, that is the same Athony LaPaglaia, who stars in TV’s Without A Trace, the show that finds missing people.
“It’s probably the best I’ve felt in quite a few months now,” says Beckham, who made Def Leppard guitarist Viv Campbell look pedestrian. “It was important for me to get a good workout tonight. I’ve been working hard trying to get myself fit.”
Hollywood FC’s players were too out of breath to talk. Although one team member, bearing more than a passing resemblance to Paul Henry from Crossroads, lifted his short over his head to reveal the message: “Come on McClaren – Pick ME?”
SAYS Lily Allen, singer of such hit songs as Smile, Grin, Beam, Smirk and Smile (Larfta Cut) in the Sun: “It does make me laugh to see pictures of Victoria Beckham on the front of a magazine.” Smile, even.
“I think, ‘You’re not promoting anything, you don’t need the money, so all it’s about it being famous.’
“And I can never imagine my life being about being famous.”
Look out for Lily’s news song Still Smiling in good, bad and indifferent record shops…
Pic: The Spine
On the magazine’s cover, Kerry cradles a newborn baby and a small-ish blond-ish child. That Kerry is proud of her kids is beyond question. They are as talented as their mother, possibly more so. It is likely the elder child can name all the celebrities in this week’s OK! – the baby being stumped by the presence of former Emmerdale actress Adele Silva.
As for the drugs, Kerry says she is on them. And she has been on them while talking on GMTV. Says she: “I am sick to death of all these questions coming up about me being on drugs.”
We will have no more said on the matter. “Yes I am on drugs,” says Kerry. But we will not listen. Let’s draw a line under this episode, put the tin lid on it. Says Kerry: “It’s my bipolar medication…”
Enough. In any case, bi-polar is so last season…
But Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole is unable to contain herself. She emotes: “It’s devastating to see Britney like this. It’s so sad, she needs help. She’s mentally ill.”
Many have befriended Spears on the way up and it heartening to see that with her career more about her private life than her music, Cole is on hand to give a professional opinion.
And she wants to offer Britney a refuge: “I’ve said that she can come to my house and I’ll look after her.”
This is true camaraderie, hands across the celebrity Pond. So what that Britney at Cole’s house will attract untold speculation and cause Cheryl to appear on camera to defend, explain and enlarge upon her kindness. This is what giving is.
It is giving until it hurts…
UPDATES from the House of Beckham in the Mail, where readers learn that David Beckham will only vacuum the house in “straight lines”, while wearing a pinafore apron. Victoria says David “gets funny” when someone steps on his newly vacuumed carpet. Fortunately, the Beckhams retain the services of a “cleaner”, and Victoria and her shoes are often elsewhere…
SAYS Amy Winehouse’s father Mitch of the singer’s husband, soon to appear in a courtroom: “If Blake were to go to jail for GBH it would probably be the best thing that could happen for Amy. It would give her a chance to recover and we could get her into rehab.” Or re-rehab, as it must be known…
WHEN the film of the fire is made who will play Robert Redford? As the National Enquirer notes Redford was one of the stars forced to say “Oh My God” as fire swept through the countryside.
Other roles to be filled in Flame – I Wanna Live Forever!: Halle Berry (to be played by Cher), Sean Penn (Mel Gibson), Mel Gibson (Tom Hanks), Victoria Principal (Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox), Richard Gere (Tom Hanks) and Sting (Barbra Streisand). Directed by Angela Lansbury.
Lies? Can it be that Angelina Jolie’s’s favourite word is not “Lemsip” and, as we have read in countless other oranges of record, her second best colour ever (in the whole wide world) is orange? Did she never mean the “Best wishes” she assigned to a picture proffered by Old Mr Anorak’s nurse?
These are lies told as exclamations. “!” (About Jen); “!” (OTHER LOVERS); “!” (HER FUTURE WITH BRAD!).
“Angelina has been caught telling a big lie to Brad about his ex, Jen – and it’s just one stand in a web of deceit Angelina has been weaving about her twisted double life,” says the magazine of repute.
The shock of shocks is that Angelina will not be all that willing to sit down with Jennifer Aniston, for it is ever she, and “couldn’t bear even the idea!” of meeting Brad Pitt’s former lover and wife.
And what of the children? A source says Angelina only spends a few hours with the children all day. “As soon as she sees camera,” says this insider, “Angie grabs a kid.”
Which might explain how she came to adopt three children – were they just close by when the command “Action!” was issued?
That question to you, Daily Star readers. But with no phone number to register “YES” and “NO”, Star readers may struggle for an answer.
Britney, for her part, appears unbothered by the attention spent on her outfit. Not everyone can pull off a combination of fishnet, pink rayon-polyester mix bustier and matching lipstick. Few would attempt it. “DRESS TO ILL,” says the Mirror.
And we look. And were it not for the every-vigilant Sun we would study the clothes and miss the inner Spears and an “unfortunate cluster of facial blemishes”. “OOPS I DID ZIT AGAIN,” says the Sun.
We look. The Sun has drawn a ring about the area. In keeping with the spirit of Halloween, Britney may have cared to paint them black and stick on few bed-harvested hairs.
Others suggest that Britney should promote her new album Blackout by switching off the lights and get both dressed and undressed. But we fear that would be unkind…
CELEBRATE David Beckham’s return to playing as he prepares to take on Hollywood United in a pro-celebrity match.
Beckham he will representing the pros in La Galaxy white, although reserves the right to play the second half for Hollywood United dressed in a gamboge strip with taffeta sleeves.
Having helped the Los Angeles Galaxy to play no part in the MLS Cup Playoffs, David has selflessly freed up his time to bring football to the masses. And if that means cementing fledgling celebrity friendships then so be it.
At a time when other pros of his vintage are starring in such treats as Premier League All Stars on satellite TV, Becks has forgone the chance to tackle Angus Deayton and high-five Lee Latchford Evans from Steps to work on his game.
And on Tom Cruise and Katie he says: “But they have never turned around to us and said, ‘You have to be part of this’, because that’s now what we’re about.”
Indeed not. Posh and Becks are not Scientologists. Her Poshness has been seen sporting the red-string Kaballah bracelet. And it was half-Jewish David who hymned: “I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.” That’s what they are about.
Says Dave: “They are amazing people who are just so positive about life and they have been great to us.”
And when David is talking about not talking about Scientology with celebrity Scientologist Tom Cruise, he is talking three or four times a week with Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony, a potential Scientologist.
Dave is putting in the hard yards. It was David who said: I’m just here for the red-carpet side.”
But it’s not all work. David’s home life comes first. “I bring them up exactly how I was brought up,” says David of his children, who may find it a chore to get Brooklyn to Chingford for net practice.
It’s not like he’s got a space ship to whiz him there in a trice is it. Is it?
“WORLD’S longest diary comes to an abrupt end,” announces the Times. We blanch. We scurry to the tabloids and learn that Victoria Beckham respects Tom Cruise’s religion and David is to be cast in bronze.
Whatever can the Times mean? The world’s longest diary is thriving.
But there is a pretender to the crown. The Times looks at the work of the Rev Robert Shields, who has died and left behind a 37.5million word document.
The Beckhams might well scoff, but the Reverend began his diary only 25 years ago.
And the purpose? As Shields said: “Maybe by looking into someone’s life at that depth, every minute of every day, they will find out something about all people. I don’t know. No way to tell.”
Highlights from Sunday, August 13, 1995…
7.25-7.30 – “I sprayed and puddle and piddled and widdled”
8.40 – 8.45 – “I filled the humidifying basin mounted over the Futura baseboard heater”
9.25-9.35 – “I dressed in a pair of black Haband trousers, a hand white mesh shirt, the Huband blue blazer with simulated silver buttons, eyeglasses, the 14-degree Masonic ring, both hearing aids”
9:45 – 9.50 – “I felt a tickle in my throat. It might be a cold. A coff. Called agent. “Colden Ball,” said news story. Victoria no cold”
Pic: The Spine
Another day and another chance for the Royal Family to show that beneath the taffeta and the lace, under the bridge work and ten paces to the left of the special constable they are but a blood transfusion away from being just plain rich.
As the Sunday Mirror reports, Beatrice has struck up an “unlikely friendship with pop princess Lily Allen”.
Readers learn that Beatrice Windsor has found cause to visits Allen’s East London home. She has drunk shots and danced around Lily’s living room.
A party-goer says: “Bea was great fun. Her and Lily were controlling the stereo and putting on the tunes – and leading the dancing. Bea was loving being in with the music crowd.”
And her she is giving full throat to the line: “I’m not so royal now, am I.” indeed, not, she has achieved the improbable and become still more royal. Beatrice Windsor is the length of a Nazi uniform away from being as royal as they come…
Britney returns to the courtroom. Britney Spears sobs.
Troubled Britney is embroiled in a custody case with her estranged husband K-Ferret. Earlier, Troubled Britney’s lawyer, Thomas Paine Dunlap, opined that video of the depositions would almost certainly wind up on YouTube. He wanted protection for his client. Granted.
Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon says: “I’m not chastising her. She’s an adult. But what I’m saying is someone who is always going to places where there is an inordinate amount of media, it doesn’t square.”
Says Dunlap: “If she goes to Starbucks, there’s media there. If she goes shopping, there’s media there.”
The media is there if she goes to a courtroom, leaves a courtroom, snorts a courtroom etc…
VICTORIA Beckham is “waisted in LA”. The Sun’s scoop is that Vicky is wearing a waistcoat…in Los Angeles. What with the fires and all. “Posh, 33, flew into Los Angeles airport from Japan in the sleeveless top.” We have every reason to believe Her Poshness wore her oputfit in Japan, too. Reports to follow…
“I really thought I was on the way out. My husband Blake saved my life, brought me to hospital.” Winehouse was on a composite blend of heroin, ketamine, cocaine and ecstasy.
“Often I don’t know what I do. Then the next day the memory returns. Blake told me later what had happened. And then I am engulfed in shame.” For shame.
But the real issue is at hand. A problem has been solved. Winehouse cannot be “Troubled” for that is the lot of Britney Spears, who is performing under the headline billing “Troubled Britney”. Winehouse should be Tortured.
And for “Tortured Amy Winehouse” we thank the Star…
Is this a remake of Carrie that went wrong? Went right?
“Remember, remember, the firth of November,” says the Star, holding a bacon upon the date Britney Spears plans to torch her ex-lover.
It is said that Spears plans a Bonfire Night party at her home and is urging her “fellow bunny-boilers” to produce effigies of their former flames to toss upon the pyre.
So it’s goodbye, K-Ferret. Goodbye Justin Timberlake. And goodbye Prince Andrew. Sarah Ferguson is on the phone. Says she: “I’d love to talk to Brit. I feel sorry for her. I want to tell her, it’s all okay. We could be friends.”
Britney could nestle into her dirty pillows…
Congratulations to Kerry, who can be seen on the front of OK! assuming the position by holding her pregnant tum-tum and showing her white teeth.
By way of a legend to mark the monument, Kerry offers: “OUR GIRLS ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT OUR MIRACLE BABY”. Or: “IF IT’S A BOY I’LL BUY MARK A LAMBORGHINI.”
Indeed, dear reader, the Lamborghini part smacks of sponsorship and Warrington has been independent ever since Albert’s Motor Mart and Discount Baby Supplies shut its doors for good.
Best to stick with the “miracles” inscription, it being a fitting word for Kerry, for whom the world “miracle” surmises a career…
Quote of the day – Kerry: “The only thing I get down about is my depression.”
For some time Anorak has been studying the National Enquirer and translating its bon mots for your education. But rarely if ever have we encountered a line that so succinctly epitomises the goings on in Hollywood .
The only things missing from this tableau are the ages of all parties concerned. And we note that Nolte is 66, Clytie – “who appeared in the movie Coffee Date” – is in her thirties.
The baby, a girl, has yet to be named. And we await that development with no little enthusiasm…
ANNA Nicole Smith is dead. And the making of tabloid sensation…
“TROUBLED Britney Spears is in the Mirror. She’s wearing clothes. Again. Troubled Britney is sporting a pair of green and yellow tartan shorts that are seemingly being chewed by her thighs in readiness for ingestion.
But though the Mirror is fearless in its dedication to relay each of Troubled Britney’s outfits to the watching world, it fails in one key area: are the shorts flame retardant?
With no label showing, we are left to wonder. And worry. As the Mail notes, the Malibu fires have impacted on Troubled Britney’s life. “I’m real scared,” says she. “I don’t think it touched my house.”
But if it is has, then where will Troubled Britney go? News in the Mail is that her other home at The Promises rehab centre has been evacuated.
The fires are raging. And Troubled Britney is in the news. And we look once more at those short and wonder if the chaffing of fabric on thigh has produced a spark not only of interest.
Is there really no such thing as bad publicity..?
SAYS Strictly Come Dancing agonist Penny Lancaster in her diary: “It’s the eve of Strictly, so as a treat dinner’s on the table when I get in. Rod’s got a chef to cook us pork chops and mashed potatoes, then I’m on my way to the salon for a quick St Tropez tan. When I get home I pop my head round the door to look at my son Alistair, who’s fast asleep. I get into my bed, exhausted”.
Mum. Wife. Pro-celebrity dancer. Penny does the lot.
THE COAST IS TOAST,” says the cover of a DVD starring Tommy Lee Jones as man trying to plug a Volcano with his thumb and bridled grit.
But this is real. Malibu is alight. The sky is boiling. As Chris Ayres writes in the Times: “Celebrities were running screaming from their blazing mansions. And the AL Goreans were on TV again, spreading the word about the end of the world.”
Blame the porn industry, air conditioning and the Jews; whatever the reason, Malibu is alight. It’s not the trailer for a new disaster film. This is real.
As the Mirror notes, that really is Cher’s house in the line of fire. Will it survive? Will Cher’s face hold up in so much heat?
Will the homes of Adam Sandler, Sting, Pamela Anderson, Mel Gibson, Jane Seymour, Tom Hanks, Olivia Newton-John, Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston last out? Val Kilmer, says the Telegraph. Jim Carrey. The Sun produces Sean Penn, Pierce Brosnan and Barbra Streisand.
The Mirror has an overhead view of the area and the homes mapped out. We look. We think. And Anorak asks the burning question: “Who gets saved first?”
And we throw in Richard Gere, Robert Redford and Diana Ross.
“It’s a tragic time for California,” says State Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Who advocates an alphabetical approach to life saving, starting with A for Arnold…
A PAL of Amy Winehouse tells us: “We were chuffed when she was caught with cannabis. Everyone used to worry about her cannabis habit, but now we look back at those days fondly.” Filed under “beyond parody”…
The paper holds its nose as guests hotel in Bergen complain about the whiff of “weed” from the Winehouse room.
Police arrive. Blake Fielder-Civil, a man so edgy even his name sounds like a provincial solicitors’ practice, and one Alexander Foden are pinched. It is 7pm. In the Mirror it is “around 5pm”. Drugs can mess with your sense of time.
The Sun’s women in the corridor notes: “I’m told it looked like a scene from action movie Lethal Weapon.”
No experts in Norwigian crime, we wonder at the rightness of employing an LA cop with suicidal tendencies and his American sidekick to arrest the star. Might it be that Norway is not versed in celebrity and needs to call in the professionals?
“Spliffs,” says the Sun. A source says: “They are very strict about drug taking in Norway. With her past record they thought there was more than just a couple of spliffs. When she opened the hotel room door it was obvious she was wasted. She was mumbling and no one could understand her. She was co-operative and even let an officer in training look in her eyes so he could recognise how a person high on drugs looks.”
Norwegian police now know that a person “high” on drugs has a backcombed, enhanced beehive, a pair of breasts drawn in her arm and a concert tour to promote…