Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
As the Star reports (“PAY PER PHEW”), this premium rate channel will enable anyone unable to get porn on cable or via their PC to see Ziggy and Chanelle fumble under the covers.
A senior Channel 4 executive tells us: “It’s a bloody good idea and one that is under active consideration.”
Active eh? “This would be a great addition to our Big Brother service and would have a wide appeal for viewers wanting to take their voyeuristic tendencies a step further.”
While voyeurs put down their binoculars, step into the garden and peep through partly open curtains at Big Brother: After Dark, we actively see how the idea could be further developed.
Why not create a channel for each housemate, a version of Sky Sports’ Player Cam, enabling viewers to watch only one housemate all the time?
Billi TV. Carole Cam. Live Charley hair racing. Each one more successful than the next. And this also means Emily can get the TV career she wanted on Niggers Uncut.
Stick it out, Big Brother. So we can all see…
BIG Brother’s Imogen Thomas is showing the world her breasts. Star readers see Imogen dressed in a pair of tights and some knickers. Says Imogen: “They’re all natural, so why not show them off?” With Imogen entering the fourteenth minute of her fame, we await further naturalist moments…
We speak of Big Brother’s Chantelle and Preston who are to divorce a mere 10 months after tying the knot.
It all looked so promising for the reality TV star who married the singer she met on the show. With her blonde hair extensions and his one hit, they would remain at the summit of British celebrity for as long as they wanted.
It’s a sad day. But the Star resists all urges to throw a black cape around Chantelle’s naked shoulders, her naked bosom and her generously exposed rear.
It realises that as something dies, something else is born. What this something is remains to be seen. But hopes are of a presenting job on QVC for her and a starring role in the stage play Potts Of Gold, the real life story of Lenny Potts, the ‘legless’ South London teddy boy who raised money by sitting astride an upturned aeroplane propeller attached to an engine. Once strapped on, he would spin to the sound Danny & The Juniors while John Robertson, clad in his “Heaven’s Angels” jacket, collected money in his crash helmet.
Great days and no little adventure lie in wait for Chantelle and Preston. But now the couple have only a statement to make: “After much soul-searching ad tearful discussions, we have sadly decided to ends out marriage…
“We know people will think we married too quickly on the back of Big Brother, but we were genuinely in love at the time and we will never regret our time together.”
Jonathan wants to leave the house. He wants to join Lesley on her sponsored walk.
“I’m sorry if I’ve wasted everybody’s time,” he says.
“I don’t have any regrets. I feel like I’ve won Big Brother because I’ve got somewhere.”
Winner! Just what we were thinking…
GOODY-isms to date:
Laura: You know eggs? Are they vegetables?
Charley: I love Barbados
Shabnam: Yeah, the people have such spirit
Charley: Have you been
Billi: What’s the capital of Holland?
Brian: I’m going to be glamorous. G.L.A.M.O.R.S
Billi to go. Easy money for you…
WHAT’S Tracey Barnard smoking? It’s not tobacco. Smells like… Smells like… Basil. You can smoke cinnamon sticks…
Tracey’s not leaving the house. Not this week…
BACK slaps all round at Anorak Towers as we told you that Billi Bhatti would be up for eviction and Charley would not be.
It’s “Billi No Mates” the Sun says seven housemates nominate Zoolander for the push.
Chief reason given was that Billi has shifty eyes. This might explain why he wears sunglasses indoors. He’s not a complete berk after all, just crushingly self-aware and not wishing to cause offence.
But it was not enough. And now he’s up for the chop. Billi is at 1.07 on the Betfair markets. That’s 1-14 on. That means if you put £1 on Billi to go you win (a roll on the drums) 7 pence.
The minimum stake on Betfair is £2, which means you stand to win 14 pence.
Even tax free this is unlikely to alter your lifestyle unless you are Seány and can use it to buy a new yellow tracksuit.
But it is a very good bet. Open a Betfair account deposit your tenner and bet on the red-hot favourite, Billi. To date both Shabnam and Seány have been well ahead of the field at eviction time. Both went.
Billi will go. He’s about as popular as a wasabi enema. Up against the likeable Tracey and hard-to-dislike Carole, he’s a shoo-in.
Take the bet. Then qualify for your free £10. Easy. The money goes straight into your account.
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Billi, Tracey and Carole have all been nominated for eviction. Chaley was too. But Billi’s votes were discounted. Told you.
Anorak scoops them all. Did you bet on Billi like we said? Course you did…
Anorak – first for Big Brother news…
The 3rd eviction market suggests there will be three housemates up for the public vote this week – Billi (2.8), Charley (1.9) and Nicky (10). As a result, both Billi and Charley’s outright price has been pushed out to 100 and 85 respectively, though Nicky remains solid at around 40.
Elsewhere, Liam continues to be Mr Popular with all and sundry and is now a very short looking 4.5 to win. The only other notable movement is that of Welsh windbag Laura, who did a sterling job of keeping everyone awake during the task and has lengthened to 55 from 42.
But if he’s there, the girls should carry on regardless. And if that means cavorting about in bikinis and posing for lipstick lesbo shots for lads’ mags, then so be it.
Jonathan will not interfere – unless, of course, the girls want him to…
IF Charley goes, what will Big Brother be left with?
It’s time to nominate and Charley’s name is repeating like last night’s king prawn madras.
She’s sure to be up for the public vote. And the public are sure to vote her out.
And now Charley is 4-5 favourite to go next, ahead of Billi Zoolander on 9-4.
But think on. Rumours are that Billi has erred. That Billi has nominated. That Billi has been discussing nominations, breach of the rules. That Billi’s nominations are to be discounted. That Billi voted for Charley.
There is now the chance that Charley will not be up for the chop. And Billi will be.
Billi is not dislikeable. But he’s not all that likeable either. Wold he be missed if he were not in the house? No. The advice is to back Billi for the chop and take a smaller bet on Jonathan at 28-1. Get your free £1o bet here…
THE housemates need to stay awake for 60 hours, or 10 weeks. In They Shoot Horses, Don’t They, the contestants get to dance. Tracey can dance if she wants to.
But she’s not brought her jester’s hat and whistle. So instead she moans.
“What a load of s***,” observes Tracey, as if eyeing a handful of grass seeds and litmus paper.
“You ain’t happy love,” wondered Brian, who speaks in 1950s Cockney couplets, think Bernard Breslaw in Carry on Camping.
“There’s such sketchy ******* people in the Living Area,” said Tracey. “It ***** me off. They’ve set us up right for nomination, eh? People just give up so ******* easily, that’s what annoys me – know what I mean?”
Tracey’s gone hardcore. No minicab for her. She’s been waiting for this her whole life. She can do it. And afer forty-odd hours with out sleep she may even get a light buzz on.
Now if someone can just tread went mud onto her bed, feed her meat alternatives shaped to look like meat and scream “Mental!” in her ear, she can pretend she’s at Glastonbury…
THE general weariness of this year’s Big Brother, and the public apathy toward it, is reflected in the free bet market with no real stand out movements. This time around, it appears to be the tedious little melodramas, blotting the housemates’ otherwise mind-numbing day, that are affecting prices.
Consequently, pretty boy Billi has steadily been pushed out over the weekend from an in-with-a-chance-mate 28 to a see-you-later-sunshine 75.
The unsuccessful, yet still incredibly vain model is seemingly intent on challenging the consistently diva-like Charley for the crown of most reviled housemate – upping the stakes when it comes to self-obsession, irrationality and confrontation.
Unsurprisingly, the pair are now duking it out for favouritism in the 3rd eviction market, with Charley presently around 2.3 to go and Billi at 3.3.
In possibly the most inane task yet, housemates will have to stay awake for a total of 50 hours.
Surely BB is being ironic here? With absolutely nothing going on and half the nation switching off, it may be no shock to see a housemate or five walk, particularly given they still believe that the £100k prize fund is already in the firm grip of the obligatory northern bit of rough, Liam.
Given this, punters may be wise to snap up the 4.0 currently on offer for a housemate to walk this week. What to give for them all packing their bags and heading home…
Seány is Big Brother reject Seány O’Kane. And news is that he’s not in the least bit gay. His dad says it was all an act.
“My son’s not gay, it was all a game plan,” says Sean O’Kane, a name that suggest why Seány (with a Y) finds it so hard to be his own man.
Says Sean: “I know he kissed Gerry but he is no gay. He was doing it for the cameras.”
Of course, there is a chance that dad Sean is in denial, that he cannot face up to the painful truth that Irishman Seány’s sickness/perversion/wickedness is against the teachings of the Church.
But we have seen Seány in action. And there is reason to believe he would try whatever it takes if he thinks it will make him look more interesting and edgy.
But Seány is gay. “I spoke to my father on the phone within hours of coming out of the house,” says he. “It was a very emotional call. I told him it was true I was gay and he said he was proud of me.”
Aye. A gay man in the house. And one who like Michael Jackson and was once a Muslim and has dabbled with heterosexuality.
“I would have liked it if he had some home with Chanelle under his arm,” says dad Sean, perhaps picturing Chanelle trussed up in a carpet ready to be rolled out at his feet.
But Seány came home alone. The one man ethnic quota is the person viewers wanted out of the house. There is only so much of the black, gay, Kylie-loving, French, adopted, lesbian, OAP Scientologist we can stand…
Danny is with the Coldstream Guards in Thetford.
Having split from her latest footballer, Dani is looking to concentrate on her career as an Army mascot. The ceremonial goat may have bigger udders, but Dani plans to give the boys a bigger horn.
“It is amazing to think that these lads will soon be on the frontline with people trying to kill them,” says Dani, dressed in a khaki vest.
The boys should put in for a transfer and get their agent to negotiate a better boot deal.
Danielle has asked that she gets to see the boys, “her boys”, in Afghanistan.
We urge them to accept the offer.
Afghani football and the players could do with boost. The team is currently the 186th best in the world, above the mighty Somalia but below the Vanuatu infidels and the godless Cayman Islands.
Danielle might just be the fillip the team has been looking for…
SHABNAM proves she has what it takes to get ahead. The Sun looks on as she totters along to London’s Embassy club, venue of Wags, Page 3 stunnas, wannabe Wags and Page 3 stunnas. She’s getting off with a fellow reveller and a bouncer. She’s holding her chest. She’s throwing up out of the car window.
THE housemates are trying to name a tree for every letter of the alphabet. Charley says crack willow. Billi says hornbeam. Tracey says walnut. Samanda says yew. And Liam…
“Guys,” says Laura. “May I just remind you that Liam never went to tree school. He only climbs up ‘em.”
“No, I did,” says Liam. “I went to college and everything.”
“What stupid person would go to college to learn about trees?” Laura a student of dead people’s make-up asks (the Joan Rivers looks). “I didn’t think it existed. There’s no tree college where I live.”
If Laura based the world on where she lived it would a small patch of tarmac covered in curry sauce.
“That ‘stupid person going to college to learn about trees’ has probably secured his future career,” Carole chimes.
“That’s nothing to do with trees though,” says Laura. “He didn’t get in here because he works as a tree surgeon. It was to do with his personality.”
“What surgeons do you know that didn’t go to school?” Jonathan asks Laura. “I certainly wouldn’t want to have a nose job from one of them.”
“Surgeon!” Laura scoffed. “It’s not the same as that though, is it.”
“It is!” say a chorus of voices.
“A surgeon gets paid more than Liam gets paid in ten years in one day.” says Laura.
“My biggest wage so far has been £100,000 in one minute,” Liam added.
Laura has been outwitted by a man who spends his time with wood.
Liam to win? He’s 4-1 to take first prize and another £100,000. And you know he’s certain to make the finsal four at 2-9. And take snidy Laura to be the next out at 15-1.
Use and claim your free bet here…
CHARLEY’S older sister Jade tells the Star: “Big Brother is making Charley seem like the biggest bitch in the world but she is not really like that.
“Everybody hated her right from the beginning due to her audition tape.
“But they only showed two minutes out of hours and hours of filming.
“They are editing her to look bad but in real life she is not like that.
“She’s a tough girl and speaks her mind but she is not the evil cow people think she is.”
Charley is 2-1 favourite to be the next evicted housemate. The market was wrong last time. My money’s on Jonathan (7-1).
Learn how to use your free bet here…
THE evicted prankster says the frustrated boys found a blind spot in the bathroom.
“It didn’t last long,” says the happy-slapper. “The producers worked out what the lads were up to and they were mortified to discover that the next day they had fitted a mirror in that spot – so everything would be reflected and seen.”
Seány says: “I have a huge sex drive and it’s a shame I didn’t stay longer in the house because I would have needed sex. I didn’t really fancy any of the guys in there but Nicky was hot. She is really beautiful. Although I’m sure me and Gerry might have got together as well – just out of need.”
Who – part from the person he shares a bathroom with – now regrets voting Seány out?
The Manchester store where he bags his bargains has reported a surge in sales from across the globe.
Fashion hunters looking to steal the image of their favourite contestant have been buying a selection of T-Shirts and hoodies, just like the ones Seany has worn of the reality TV show.
The shop, Me&Yu in Affleck’s Palace, has had orders from a range of countries since Seany made his fashion debut on the Channel 4 show.
Is Timmy Mallett on tour?
Gerry: “We’re an enclosed society. If there was an atomic holocaust in the outside world, and we were the only survivors… We’d have to reproduce between us, which would be exceptionally difficult.”
What with Charley’s boots being full of water and all…
CHANELLE Hayes (third favourite to win at 9-1) is plyaing Blind Date. On her own.
Q: “If you could be any vehicle, what would it be and why?”
A: “Well Cilla, I’d be a train because I want you to choo-choo-choose me!”
Or a barge (with pole).
A bus (there’s always another one along in a minute)
A charabanc: A Summer Holiday with Ziggy (Cliff ), Jonathan (Ron Moody), Samanda (Una Stubbs)
Your suggestions please…
Yesterday the girls were holding hands and spinning around the lounge dreaming of fluffy pink world.
For those of you who have switched off from Samanda (16-1 to win), the pair recently spoke about wanting a career as a social worker.
Perhaps they believe that skipping into a depressive’s lounge dressed in seven shades of pink and speaking in Norwegian (that is their first language, right?) will brighten people’s lives. It won’t. It will just push them further towards the edge and then over it.
But how to celebrate being 19-year-old twins? Brian suggests a date with him and a party room. Jonathan (6-1 to leave next) says: “You’ve got about a million pound worth of film crews filming your birthday.”
Jonathan’s looks like he’d pay good money for the tape. And then show it to pals in his media room at home. While the boys tuck into free range humus dip, Jonathan will tell them how he lived with the girls for a few weeks and hit the slo-mo button to watch them sleep.
We’re ahead of Jonathan. Tape the girls dancing. Play it back. Slow it down and it’s like the scene in Picnic at Hanging Rock right before the girls disappear and all that’s left of them is a veiled pinkish glow and the sound of the giggling Kookaburras.
Morbid, I know. And it’s on top of the impression that Samanda (3-1 to be top female) is the kind of girl who goes into the cellar at the start of slasher films. Samanda are emblematic of mortality.
That’s them at the door know. They’re running about the room clutchign fluffy pink notepads and talking in tongues.
If only they’d just drop off the medication and leave…
Learn how to make Anorak’s free £10 bet here.
POST Big Brother Shock Disorder: an anxiety disorder that may develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which acute mental or physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PBBSD include: being passed over for a presenting job on Living TV, a stint on Celebrity Binge Drink or/and Anthea Turner.
And so to Seány’s post-Big Brother interview [with subtitles]:
Davina: How are you feeling?
Seány: I’m obviously in shock. I don’t know why anybody would have wanted to evict me. I haven’t done anything. [I have been badly edited and am not such a complete tosspot]
D: Let’s find out who nominated you.
Brian, Chanelle, Charley, Nicky and Tracey don black caps.
S: It’s not that bad. Charley was a shock. Charley’s been telling me all week she couldn’t believe that anyone would ever nominate me. [Bitch]
D: Are you aware that you are an enormous prankster? [You have no sense of humour and own a “You don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps” T-shirt, a Billy The Bass singing Fish, musical socks, a vast array of novelety ties and Hale & Pace Uncut & Raw on DVD]
S: I just wanted to put the fun back into Big Brother! [See above]
Seány is shown pushing Charley in the swimming pool.
D: What was it like after that?
S: She went nuts. She gave a speech about her boots costing £300. [I took a stand against ‘the man’]
D: Who did you like playing pranks on?
S: Anybody, really. Gerry, he took it so seriously. [I hate Gerry]
D: Will you ever fancy Gerry?
S: He’s not my type but… he’s a nice guy and he’s a good kisser! [He’s gay]
D: Who was your favourite housemate?
S: Laura. She’s brilliant. [She’s an even bigger loser than me]
D: Listen Seány. You have been brilliant. Thank you for being brilliant. [Next!]
EASY money for Anorak betters who piled onto the favourite to go.
Seány, the one man ethic quota, can now add “failed Big Brother housemate” to a CV that reads like a Restart officer’s case study.
What happens when Sue Pollard and Timmy Mallett mate is now out there, free to procreate in the larger world like a horny, happy-slapping Rumplestiltskin.
Goodbye Seány - one of the least likeable housemates ever…
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