Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Home: South London
Job: Gallery Researcher
Gerry is an antiquity-loving, gallery researcher who describes himself as a hedonistic hypocrite and a total control freak. Once a month he goes to fetish clubs and loves leather, kilts and boots. He has four wardrobes full of clothes, and thinks his life would be vastly improved by a dressing room and a personal butler.
First Words:”Calm down, it’s only a TV show.”
Life philosophy: Believes “There is no heaven or hell, just continuous rebirth until your fulfil your karma and unite with a higher being.”
Likes: Paris Hilton, yoga, sex, leather.
Dislikes: “Uneducated, common people”, drugs.
Why BB?: Winning is unimportant to him, it’s all about the journey and what you learn along the way.
“THERE’S no wordage, it’s just tunage,” says Big Brother’s Tracey Barnard. Chanelle is all ears.
Being the fan of Victoria Beckham, Chanelle thinks music needs words. She probably bought Out Of Your Mind, Vicky’s work with Dane Bowers and Truesteppers, a song that does exactly what is says on the tin.
Of course there are other way to go radio rental than listening to Posh’s singing. Ask Tracey.
Chanelle wants to know if Tracey packs a deodorant when she bangin’, ‘avin it and dropping letters.
“I don’t, I’m a raver,” says Tracey, offering surprising testimony to we who expected a lengthy dialogue into the relative merits dryin’ out on Sure for Men and Mum. “It’s about being free and it doesn’t matter about that. It’s about having a phat time. It’s not about going clubbing and looking good.”
Chanelle: “It’s in a club?”
Tracey: “No it’s outside with a stack and a generator.”
Chanelle: “So your music players run on petrol?”
Tracey: “Yeah… I guess…”
But then how does the music carry on after the party’s ended? Is it the petrol fumes? Or the tunage? Or the sound of your brain drying out?
I HAVE now been watching Big Brother live for over two hours, In that time not once – NOT ONCE – has the camera picked up Tony Adams look-alike Tracey.
Earlier in the week Tracey was press-ganged into wearing make-up. Paraded before the cameras, the housemates told her how great she looked. She didn’t. She looked like Tony Adams with make-up on.
With her pink hair gelled back into a bunch and her tight-jawed manic grin covered in an emulsion of beige product, Tracey blended in with her peers. And then she disappeared.
Big Bother is, of course, no clear an uninterrupted view of the action. It is edited. And the suspicion at Anorak Towers is that rather then blending in with the wallpaper Tracey has been cut.
Tracey is not good telly. The camera likes Shabnam (favourite to be the first housemate evicted) and Lesley who aims at Jean Brodie in her prime and succeeds in looking like a magistrate in a provincial court.
Of course, Tracey is a woman on the edge. At any moment she could do the unexpected. At odds of 39-1 for the chop, Tracey is worth a look.
If you can find her…
Update: Tracey has been “in the shower”. Like Booby Ewing. Only with more crust. And now less make-up.
WAS Emma Parr a ringer, a plant to stir the pot and create controversy? And if she was a plant, what kind of plant was she? And this is a question the Big Brother producers might have considered before they asked the housemates: “What is your favourite cheese?”
WILL everyone please get rid of the Twins, Pinky & Perky (both of them). They are so much less than the sum of their parts.
Like the result of some complex mathematical formula, Sam and Amanda Marchant add up to less than zero.
In their hometown of Newcastle-under-Lyme Samanda look daring and edgy in their naughty pink Santa outfits. In the Big Brother house they look predicatable and dim, an explanation as to why the show features the word “eat” on the table and “dry” above a set of hot air machines in the bathroom.
Like those words, Samanda are statements of the bleeding obvious.
On the Betfair markets, Laura still remains outright favourite at 10/1 ahead of Carole and Chanelle both priced at 13/1.
Shabnam & Charley are now favourites for the 1st eviction market after Emily’s exit yesterday, however we will have to wait and see if an eviction does take place tonight.
On last night’s Big Brothers Big Mouth show, George Galloway announced that 2 ‘Male’ housemates will be entering the house tonight – one being Rylan Clark.
Get rid of Samanda with your FREE £10 bet here
BIG Brother’s Emily Parr is no bigot. She’s just aping what passes for nomality. Or she may indeed be a raving Neo-nazi. But this is about the language.
It’s a pretty straightforward question really, but have you ever sat on a bus in South London, or London in general and listened to the kids talking amongst themselves? Have you ever sat there and listened to a group of kids, white, black, brown or purple who are listening to tinny music on their mobile phone whilst calling each other, “nigga”, “whitey”, “paki” or whatever other word that has been officially sanctioned as no longer allowed?Does anyone complain? I bet you don’t. Sometimes I read out loud to get my own back about the music, but the language that they use is not something I care about because I cannot change it, we cannot change it. The language they use is that of their peer group and their comfortableness with each other.
The words they use are such that their meaning is carried by their contextualisation. This is why if you saw a BNP rally where they were chanting “niggers/pakis/jews/gypsies out” you’d realise very quickly that they’re not very nice people, and, frankly, just a tad ignorant too. Yet when you see a group of kids, and one white kid says to a black mate,”shut up nigga” and the other replies in kind, you know, that actually, that is just how they talk to each other.
You know that whilst they are using words that might be offensive in one sense, the same words can and are merely labels in another. One can almost visibly see the bond of acceptance between each party that contextualises the power and meaning behind the words.
Words are just words, but it is there placement within tone, intonation and circumstance where their meaning is found. This is one of the things the Internet lacks, and is precisely the reason the dreaded “emoticon” was invented. For without the occasional or the odd , it becomes difficult to understand what the meaning of the words on the screen are actually meant to be.
Where am I going with this? Could it be Big Brother by any chance? Now I don’t know the girl that has been kicked out, I don’t know what she is like outside, she could be a raving neo-Nazi for all know, but this doesn’t change the argument underneath what, going by the transcript that appears in all the newspapers today was actually said.
What is interesting, when you read it, is that the argument was made about peer groups using the terms “nigger” and “wigger” between themselves. As is almost clockwork we also saw the “some of my best friends are [insert minority here]” line come out. It is a cliché to dismiss this response, yet it is rolled out so naturally so many times that perhaps there is a hidden truth in it?
Friends speak to each other in differing ways. They use words that outside their circle may make no sense or may, sometimes, be assumed to be offensive. Someone who spends their day in a multi-racial peer group (and I have no idea if the girl on Big Brother did but it is irrelevant to the point) will, often, fall foul of acting how they do with their peers when with those who are effectively strangers.
When this happens it is their misjudgement of the situation, and also a misjudgement of the familiarity with which they are permitted to speak with the stranger. Does this make them racist, sexist, bigoted, or whatever label the dominant thought police in society choose to use? I think not, I think that actually, far from being “institutional racist” as the phrase goes, we have a much bigger problem in this country, and it stems solely from the dominance of identity politics.
We have created a society that is founded upon diversity but at the same time, and in an entirely contradictory manner, encourages separation of identity. We say, bizarrely, “we cherish and embrace our difference; but we must not ever mention that difference”. It’s a counter-intuitive way of thinking, and we only have to look at the young in a multi-racial society to see how wrong we are.
The young acknowledge their difference, embrace their difference, and happily use their difference in their language whilst, and this crucial, not seeing their difference as of meaningful relevance in the wider scheme of their lives. Meanwhile, the older generation says, “oh you mustn’t use that word” and simply attempt to suppress language in a rather blunt fashion.
Until we realise and acknowledge that labels of difference – be they on matters of race, sexuality, gender or hair colour – are used in society in non-pejorative and non-negative ways, we will never break out of the contradiction inherent in our attitude towards what we currently call “diversity”. Get on a bus between 3.30pm and 5pm today and listen, then tell me I am wrong.
BIG Brother winner Shilpa Shetty is glad Emily Parr has been chucked out of the house.
Says Shilpa: “I’m glad Channel 4 has taken action. I’m really happy and I compliment them on the action they have taken.”
Shilpa was, of course, embroiled in a Big Brother race row, involving Jade Goody, Danielle Lloyd and former SS Club 7 member Jo O’Meara.
But is Emily’s sad and offensive attempt as urban street language as bad as the treatment handed out of Shetty, who was forced to endure the torment for our entertainment?
Was Emily removed because her calling charley a “nigger” was the beginning and the end of the matter? No chance of a lingering row. No Emily gang. So Big Brother takes the publicity on offer and runs with it?
No TV tears for Emily. No chance for redemption…
GEORGE Galloway, the oily MP who demands Respect while wearing a Lycra bodysuit and using his whiskers to make like a cat, has been “rapped”.
The Sun reports that the MPs associate Fawaz Zureikat “channelled kickbacks from the UN’s oil-for-food programme into the Miriam Appeal for sick children”.
The Charity Commission, which overseas such things, says the monies came from improper sources.
Smells fishy. Like the feline Galloway…
TWO new lads will enter the Big Brother house later today. One is called Rylan Clark. Read about him here. (He has an extra letter in his name, which suggests much ambition). How Ziggy will react to the new arrivals should make for interesting viewing. Will they borrow his bronzing powder, or will they bring their own? Much debate to follow…
BIG Brother Emily Parr has been “DISOWNED” on the Mirror’s front page.
Inside Emily’s uncle James Coughlin says Emily’s use of the world “nigger” in the presence of Charley Uchea is “Disgusting”.
It is disrespectful. In the parlance of the street – although not one Emily has ever visited – Emily has dissed Charley, the greater Parr family and the Mirror, for whom the word is so awful it is produced as “n****r”.
“It’s a friendly term,” says Emily, Big Brother’s white bitch ho, “you know, making fun of people, being in a group. I would never use any offensive words like that, you know? I’m a kind girl, I’ve got a big heart for everybody.” As the Star’s front page says: “EMILY: I’M NO BIG BROTHER RACIST.”
Emily should stop there before she tells us that it’s only thanks to her innate sense of middle-class mores and suburban values that she’s able to tolerate black people like Charley and not burn them in their beds.
Back in the Mirror and BBC radio presenter DJ Spoony, a man of colour, is telling Mirror readers that no-one should use the “N-“WORD”.
Over in the Sun, former Big Brother housemate Derek Laud, an IC3 male, says that Emily’s use of the word “n*****” risks offending many good British men and women”.
Good people don’t say the word nigger, says Derek. Only bad people do. Emily is bad, and not in a 1980s street Michael Jackson way.
And Big Brother is good, on the side of the Shilpas. As the Mail’s headline says: “We will not tolerate any Big Brother racism says Channel 4. (But we’ll show it if it pulls in the viewers.)”
And if it sells papers. It really is that cynical. Shock sells. And as we have seen with the Princess Diana documentary, Channel 4 loves to shock.
Back in the Sun and readers hear from Stacey Jones, who went to college with Emily. “We all knew her racist side would come out on TV,” says Stacey, willing to deliver her Cannonball Special to add more pain to Emily, who is said to be “beyond gutted”.
“She hates ethnic minorities and fat people,” says Stacey. We learn that Emily once called a black girl a “fat n*****” who should “go work at KFC”.
(Notice how the Sun has replaced another letter of nigger with a star. It won’t be long before the word disappears completely.)
“There was one girl called Gloria and Emily used to call her fat n***** behind her back,” says Stacey. And Nathan Patel says that when he began dating one of Emily’s friends he heard Emily refer to him as a “P**I” or a “****”.
Meanwhile, Emily, who gave herself a 10 out of 10 for intelligence is holed up in hotel wondering where she goes from here.
And wondering how to get hold of Jo O’Meara. And whether she can be the new Jade Goody the gossip sheets crave…
LESLEY, aka The Brain, is jousting again. She’s holding her Women’s Institute issue cake slice liks she means it. And Samanda is powerless.
Lesley: Did you find a magic chocolate biscuit?
Sam: Yes! I did. Was that from you?
Lesley: I’m not saying. It’s a little secret. A secret gift of love.. as Tracey would say. A biscuit of love.We know all about Tracey’s biscuits. Sccoby snacks.
But what of Lesley? She’s like something from The Prisoner.
Sam: Where am I?
Lesley: In the House
Sam: What do you want?
Sam: Whose side are you on?
Lesley: That would be telling…. We want information. Information! INFORMATION!
Sam: Who are you?
Lesley: The new Number Two
Sam: Who is Number One?
Lesley: The WI is Number One, no-one is bigger than the WI
Goes on for 13 weeks…
“This gives you another crack at the whip, eh?” said Ziggy. “You’re back to square one.”
And Ziggy is back to one square before square one. Forced to nominate two housemates, one ends up chucked out for a moment of crass stupidity/racism and the other is saved.
Shabnam might now get it into her head that fame beckons. She is immune to eviction and nomination. She cannot be killed by conventional Big Brother weaponry.
There is little chance that she will nominated again next week. To vote for her twice masks of persecution. And since Jade Goody and her bigots ruled the roost, persecution is out.
And then there is Charley, second favourite for the chop. Having previously traded at a whopping 229-1 on Betfair, Charley is now 2nd favourite to go at 3-1, after Shabnam who remains the favourite at 5-2.
The hot-panted harridan with the road kill hair-don’t has gone from aggressor to victim.
Who would nominate her now, in light of Emily’s adventure in gangsta rap? No-one will. Like dogs hairs in a shagpile rug, Charley will be around for weeks.
Our tip is to put the free £10 bet on Lesley. She moans. She groans. She verbally jousts with younger housemates, Lesley’s Women’s Institute issue cake slice pitted against the Twins’ cotton wool bud.
“OK, I’ll do mangling…and postmodern irony,” say Lesley. No-one responds. No-one gets Lesley. Lesley is 11-2 after being backed as high as 999-1 to be 1st out.
So it’s time for them to get Lesley out. no one, likes a smart arse, least of all one with cellulite…
EMILY Parr is no more. Hopes of a stint on The Bill or of reprising the role of Sam Mitchell in EastEnders now seem beyond the reach of the shamed Big Brother reject. Emily’s is a career in ruins before it began.
But there is hope. There is always hope for an aspiring actress. Today’s back end of a pantomime donkey soon becomes the front end.
And then there is the name: Parr. Anorak wonders if Emily will live on long enough to get over this blip.
Thomas Parr lived for l52 years and 9 months through the reigns of ten monarchs. He was buried in Westminster Abbey by order of King Charles I. The inscription on his small white marble gravestone in the centre of the South Transept reads:
THO: PARR OF YE COUNTY OF SALLOP. BORNE
IN AD: l483. HE LIVED IN YE REIGNES OF TEN
PRINCES VIZ: K.EDW.4. K.ED.5. K.RICH.3.
K.HEN.7. K.HEN.8. K.EDW.6. Q.MA. Q.ELIZ.
K.JA. & K.CHARLES. AGED l52 YEARES.
& WAS BURYED HERE NOVEMB. l5. l635.
Of course, Thomas – Old Parr’s Head – might never have used the world “nigger”. But then again, he also never rubbed up alongside a lapdancer called Charley…
Get your FREE £10 Big Brother bet here
EMILY Parr was removed from the Big Brother house in the early hours of this morning (7th June) after using a racially offensive word to a fellow housemate.
Emily was dancing with Charley and Nicky in the living room of the Big Brother house at approximately 8.30pm last night (Wednesday 6th June) when she was heard to say “Are you pushing it out you nigger?” to Charley.
Emily immediately made clear that she had not intended to offend and that the comment had been meant as a joke. In discussing what she had said, Charley and Nicky agreed that they were not personally offended, although both did express shock at the language she had used. In the ensuing discussion, Emily acknowledged that she should have been more careful with her words.
The comment was not screened as part of the ‘as live’ streaming on E4 and was immediately reported up to senior production staff at Brighter Pictures, the Endemol UK subsidiary that produces the show. In consultation with senior executives at Channel 4 the decision was taken to remove Emily from the house on the grounds that she had broken the rules governing contestant behaviour.
The House Rules given to all contestants clearly state:
• Big Brother will intervene and take appropriate action if Housemates behave in a way that Big Brother considers is unacceptable.
• Unacceptable behaviour includes: behaving in a way that could cause serious offence to either their fellow Housemates or members of the viewing public including serious offence based on the grounds of race.
• Housemates who act in a way that is seriously unacceptable will be evicted.
Emily was called to the Diary Room at approximately 03.30 am to be informed of the decision and was removed from the house immediately without further contact with other contestants. The remaining housemates were informed of Big Brother’s decision at approximately 9.30am.
Emily was one of two housemates nominated for eviction this week and as a result the latest eviction vote has been suspended.
The Judge And Jury
Angela Jain, who heads the Big Brother commissioning team at Channel 4, said:
“I think people watching the show tonight will agree that Emily spoke carelessly rather than maliciously – certainly Charley and Nicky, the two housemates most directly involved in the conversation with her, seem to accept that she did. She understands why her involvement in Big Brother has had to come an end and she very much regrets what she said.
“In the wake of Celebrity Big Brother we must consider the potential offence to viewers regardless of Emily’s intentions and her housemates’ response. The word nigger is clearly racially offensive and there was no justification for its use. We have removed Emily from the house to once again make it clear to all housemates and the viewers at home that such behaviour won’t be tolerated.”
Emily: (referring to Charley dancing/pushing her hips forward) You pushing it out you nigger.
Nicky: (shocked laughter) Em, I can’t believe you said that.
Charley: You are in trouble.
Emily: Don’t make a big thing out of it then. I was joking.
Charley: I know you were… but that’s some serious shit, sorry.
Charley: Oh my god. I’m not even saying it.
Nicky: Just don’t talk about it anymore.
Emily: I was joking
Charley: Do you know how many viewers would watch that?
Nicky: Okay, don’t make a big deal out of it.
Charley: Fancy you saying that. I can’t believe you said that.
Emily: Somebody has already used that word in this house.
Charley: No way. (Pause) Yeah, me. I’m a nigger.
Charley: I am one. Fancy you saying it. I know maybe you see it in a rap song. Maybe you and your friends sit there saying it.
Emily: I’m friendly with plenty of black people.
Nicky: And you call them niggers?
Emily: Yeah and they call me niggers. They call me wiggers as well.
Nicky: I’m quite shocked.
Charley: I’m fucking in shock.
Emily: It’s not a big deal though is it?
Charley: Not for us it ain’t. Fuck me.
Laura Williams is a lesbian? “Her breath stank of kebab says gal pal.”
Readers are introduced to Janine Shipston, 25. Last Christmas Janine announced that she was gay. She had left her husband Craig and the time was ripe to come out. What’s Christmas without a few surprises.
In response to his news, Laura is said to have flashed her Wangers. “It was hard for me to come out because I live in a traditional community and being a lesbian is frowned upon.”
Laura and Janine are naturally Welsh. And minds turn to the Little Britain character Daffyd (Janine) turning to Myfanwy (Laura) and confessing that he is now the only gay in the village.
And then Laura gets quite emotional. “She’d been drinking pints of lager … Then she lifted up her top and flashed her enormous boobs at me and winked.”
Later the pair, and Janine and Laura, went clubbing. On the way home, Laura purchased a kebab. She ate it. They arrived home. They kissed.
The sensation of saliva, curry sauce and flakes of horse meat intoxicated Janine and the pair ended up on the bed. “We both stripped off and had sex all night,” says Janine.
So Laura is a lesbian? And there might be the chance of more coupling in the house than Ziggy and Chanelle can supply? Or not. Janine says Laura is not strong enough to come out.
And who can blame her. Lesbians never win anything other than Olympic field sports. They never win reality TV shows. Gay men are in. Lesbians are not.
But if Laura can be the only gay man in the village, she has chance…
BIG Brother’s Shabnam Paryani is telling the world why she can’t have sex. And it’s not because she’s on national telly.
Pictured in the Sport easting a banana, Shabnam tells us that she finds sex painful. In conversation with Company magazine, Shabnam, favourite to leave the show tomorrow night, recalls the first time she had intercourse.
As Shabnam muses on her sexual liaisons, readers may wonder how this unknown London receptionist came to be interviewed by a national magazine?
There is no little suspicion that Shabnam sees herself as someone born to be famous. So what if she leaves the show tomorrow night, her self-confessed “fascinating personality” will shine through.
And she will meet the great and good. As the Mirror reports, Shabnam was once sacked as a TV runner for sneaking into Robbie Williams’ dressing room.
“She used to hassle celebrities like mad,” says a source. “She’s ridiculously obsessive, to be honest she’s a bit mad.”
There was a time, long, long ago, when all Big Brother contestants were “a bit mad, me”. Now they are media-savvy wannabes, raised on a diet of talent-free celebrity and “I can do that brazenness”. Being mad is not enough. You have to be desperate and have an agent.
The Mirror says Shabnam auditioned for the TV show Britain’s Got Talent. She failed. And, as has been stated, Shabnam featured on C4’s Embarrassing Illnesses show, complaining of extreme dandruff.
It might take a show like Extreme Dandruff, Outrageous Piles or Sweat Glands Uncut to give Shabnam the forum her career craves.
In the meantime she’s eating her banana and telling us about her non-sex life…
Shabnam to go…
Anorak is, of course, Big Brother’s Overdeveloped, Genetically–Enhanced Big Brother; and a lot more manly than Tracey Barnard. As the Star’s headline claims: “THIS IS A WOMAN!”
It’s a proud boast, and for many a welcome departure from the Sun’s usual take on womanhood – today’s Page 3, Sam from Manchester, “is furious that Russian leader Vladimir Putting has been stirring up a nuclear threat at the G8 summit. “What a nasty piece of work,” says Sam, displaying her own warheads for our inspection. Despots should think twice before tackling our Sam’s frontline.
So this is Tracey, the epitome of womanhood. And to prove it, the Sun publishes a copy of Tracey’s birth certificate.
Tracey’s view on Putin is not stated. But she is thought to be happy to let him ‘ave it should he should car to ever want it…
“BIG Brother hunk Ziggy Lichman is a fame-chasing wannabe desperate to become a star after three failed attempts,” says the Star.
He has failed twice a popstar and never hit the “big time” as a model.
Before Ziggy mimed with Northern Line, he was part of the all-boy ensemble V5. Also in the band was Duncan James, who would go on to achieve no little fame and fortune with Blue and Dancing On Ice.
And, as the paper reports, Ziggy tried to sell stories on James to further his own career.
Such is the fickle finger of fame, how long before James is staling about Ziggy? And V5 is enjoying a resurgence?
CAN anyone understand a word Amanda and Sam Marchant say?
Samanda is the kind of girls who always get killed at the beginning of horror films.
Samanda is the girl in the chorus line who gets pregnant by the star and is bought off, or killed.
Samanda is the elderly woman in the care home reliving her glory days on one end of Wigan pier, the star turn at the Bridlington playhouse Wednesday matinee showing of Cats (third cat from left).
If Big Brother is all about creating a star, finding new talent, then Samanda has not a hope.
She is in the house alone. The phone is ringing. A voice on the other end is making a threat. The basement door swings open.
“Yer wert?” says Samanda. “Wert..?”
NOTHING reflects the state of play in the Big Brother house better than the Betfair markets.
Despite being announced at only 10am this morning, both nominees’ prices drifted overnight – the Sloaney drama student Emily pushed out to 40 from 30 and the live wire, Amy Winehouse stunt double Shabnam lengthened to 130 from 90, now making her the biggest priced housemate.
This year’s figure of hate, Charley, has incredibly managed to dodge a bullet by avoiding nomination, and will be thankful for Emily’s late-night bust-up with Ziggy, who of course was the tikka-tinged judge and jury for this week’s nominations. Accordingly her price has now come back into double figures and currently sits around the 90 mark.
Play along with Anorak’s FREE bet.
Otherwise, a very dismal first week by BB standards has left punters unable to make their minds up over the housemates, with prices going in swings and roundabouts on a daily basis.
The introduction of alleged lothario Ziggy has failed to light the blue touch paper as was expected and BB producers are sure to now be frenziedly brainstorming to come up with devious ways of provoking some serious upheaval in the house.
Cue the freaks…
“BADGERS beat Big Brother,” says the Mail.
No shock there. Badgers have been a mainstay of the light entertainment industry in this country for years. Who can forget the fun we had with Ron Davies, the former Welsh secretary who went badger watching in a Somerset picnic area with a builder in 2003.
And so it that, as the Mail reports, more viewers tuned into BBC2’s Nightshift programme, featuring the nocturnal habits of badgers, than Big Brother.
Bryan Bland, of the RSPB, says: “We’re not surprised at all that the real lives of British wild animals are more fascinating than the unreal lives of caged housemates.”
Looking at the viewing figures – Big Brother on E4 on Monday at midnight: 90,000; Nightshift: 300,000 – one could argue that people prefer the wonders of sleep to either show.
But with badger watching there is the frisson of the unexpected that Big Brother no longer has.
We’ve seen the sex on big Brother, and after so much build up and hype it was a let down – a grope under the table with Michelle and Stu, a few milky bubbles with Anthony and Makosi, a wet patch with Jade.
The badgers offer us something new. And hark! There is action in the sett. Mr Badger is returned home. And he’s wearing size nine brogues. And he’s brought a friend to look at the, er, undergrowth.
And Bill Oddie is looking in…
CHANELLE Hayes, Logo Chanelle, says she plans to use any Big Brother winnings to make her breasts “huge”.
So says the Star, which tells readers that a more pneumatic Chanelle will thus ensure she looks like her idol Victoria Beckham.
But, of course, Her Poshness, is as nature intended. There has been much polemic on the status of the Beckham bosom, but she denies any augmentation. If the good Lord gave her breasts the size and shape of two Spanish onions, then so be it.
Says Chanelle: “Mine are so small I have to wear chicken fillets in my bra. I need to get them done.”
A “pal” tells the Star: “She wants to go up to a 32DD so she can be the same size as Victoria…but she’s determined that when she comes out of the show she’s going to get implants to match Victoria’s.”
In the meantime, look out for Chanelle using the house’s shopping budget to buy all manner of filleted meat products, grapefruits, melons and soft furnishings…
These are the Reaple.
And these professional types all know each other, a troop of jobbing celebs locked in a world of shagging, snorting and presenting.
The Sport brings news that Kerry Katona, Iceland mum and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! regal lettuce shaker has dated Ziggy Lichman.
No mention of this coupling in Kerry’s OK! Diary. But Big Brother’s boil-washed Vanessa Feltz Nikki Grahame tells us, via her own OK! opinion piece, that she has known Lichman since they were at college together aged 16.
Back then he was plain Zak. Now he’s Ziggy. Or Zac.
“I used to go out with his band mate Warren, and his other bandmate Dan Corsi was really good mates with my ex Chris.
And Nikkkkkki saw Zac at a models’ party not that long ago. But she didn’t speak to him.
Such is the world of the reaple. And readers will need no little reminding that Corsi once dated Katona.
We can only imagine what’s next for the group. And look forward to the gang appearing in Carry On Presenting – or, should one of them develop an embarrassing itch, the STD section of Holby City…
EMILY Parr is covered in foam and rubbing herself against Amanda Marchant. Emily is a performing arts student and such things are to be expected.
Of course, Emily invented the foam rub, just as she invented skinny jeans, My Little Pony and trees.
Having locked horns with Charley over who is most original – and taken care not get her horns tangled in Charley’s road kill hair – Emily is rowing with Chanelle.
Emily is there to inject a bit of class friction into the house. The posh-ish girl from Bristol is arguing with the Posh-wannabe from Wakefield.
The subject under debate is hair straighteners and who gets to use them.
Chanelle: “She goes to performing arts school and instantly burst into tears. How convenient. I don’t like her attitude towards me.
Emily: “She’s a boring little s***”
She’s a natural. All hail Emily, EastEnders’ new Sam Mitchell.
So announces the Star on its front page. And readers learn that Tony Adams look-alike Spacey Tracey Barnard has smuggled a stash of narcotics into the Big Brother compound.
This is of little surprise to Anorak, which informed the world on June 2: “Spacey Tracey: Big Brother Drugs Test.” We even mentioned LSD. And now the Star says we were right.
“Tracey told us all what she was planning to do before she was taken away by producers,” says Ashley Smith, a fellow raver.
He tells us that Tracey steeped her tampons in LSD and left them to dry. They were then returned to the packet for later consumption.
Tracey is nothing if not inventive. And there is no little novelty value in thinking of Tracey eating her tampon or else lighting the taper, standing well back and letting her housemates feel the burn.
And if the show’s producers are concerned they can just say that it’s a postmodern exercise designed to reflect what’s going on among the viewing millions too goofed to be bothered to find the remote control or fall asleep…