Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
What to do? “Women and children first,” goes the cry. But where does that leave Ziggy? Save yourselves. Don’t go back for anything. But Tracey is trying to keep her head above water and her roly dry. In her mind when the burning embers fizzle out so too will the buzz.
But Tracey won’t make it. She’s drifting and out to 159-1 to win the show. Bon voyage, Tracey. Have a good trip.
Gerry, back in to 22-1, saves his monkey; Carole, a generous 39-1, brings soap (if they are to be wet, they might as well be clean); Chanelle rescues the hair straigteners (possibly still plugged in); and Samanda rubs her temples and makes the waters part. Wood enthusiast Liam becalmed at 7-1, just floats.
But will help come? There are questions in the House.
Oliver Heald, conservative MP for North East Herts, says: “It is farcical that the Government only knows of one significant flood in 2002. I have had my constituents forced out of their homes from flooding and the Government is paying no attention.
“I have tabled more questions to ask what on earth they consider temporary high water conditions are if not a flood.
“I will be campaigning even more vigorously now for better flood protection for the residents of Hertfordshire. I shall make sure this Government takes flooding in Herts more seriously.”
And into the house, Big Brother introduces a dog. She’s called Molly. She is not a rescue dog. She is Ziggy’s Shar Pei.
Seeing how Ziggy operates with females, he will allow Molly to lick his face and then tell her “It’s not you, it’s me” before setting her free on the hard shoulder. He will then shout “Here girl!” and make her come running back to him.
“It’s so good to see you my baby,” says Ziggy, out to 59-1, as he meets pet in the Dairy Room. “I’ve missed you so much.”
He tells Chanelle: “I miss her. I sleep with her every night. She’s amazing. She’s the most beautiful dog.”
And we get an insight into Ziggy’s relationship with Chanelle: she is something warm to cuddle up with at night.
And Chanelle opens her big brown eyes, presses her wet nose and pleads for love…
Small odds, indeed, that in her first performance she will play an Indian woman abused by a gang of white girls.
Goody has paid £2,400 for 12 weeks at New York’s famous Lee Strasberg school.
“I’m going to acting school in New York,” says Jade in Closer magazine, “and I’ve got producers in LA with a role for me.”
Is Jade to play the part of Rebecca Loos or Her Poshness in The Feckhams, the made for TV biopic on Los Angeles’ greatest living soccer player?
She’s not telling. For now, Jade is content to learn her craft. In “Goodyfellas” the Sun says Jade is to study at the same venue where Robert De Niro trained.
“You lookin’ at me?” she asks with meaning. “Well, then wot the fuck you lookin’ at?!”
CHARLEY must have very big lungs.
If it wasn’t for her smoking and the need to expel all air, Charley would by now have taken just two breaths.
Gerry (22-1 to win) says Charley (out to 99-1) has a “poosnous tong”. She has. She is foul.
And she is crying. Charley is in the Diary Room. She has said that Gerry conducts illegal acts of a sexual nature with underage boys.
Gerry is offended. And Charley is crying. She has been found out. Like all bullies, Charley cannot take being exposed. So she cries.
She then goes into the house and cries some more. One of the Midwich Cuckoos comes over and strokes her hand. Tracey says something about Charley being phat. She cries some more.
She then goes into the garden and pulls her face into the mirror, the one Sonia on EastEnders uses when telling Martin about her coursework.
And Charley goes into the house. And with her victim status established, tells Brian: “With Gerry, I don’t feel like I can join in with the conversation ’cause it’s nothing that revolves me. I’m not being horrible, ’cause he’s a nice guy, but he’s so uninteresting that Carole even forgot she gave him a dinner! Now that’s deep.”
She is, of course, being horrible. Being horrible is what makes Charley the celebrity she hopes to be. She then tells Liam that you “can’t relate to him”.
But neither Brian nor Liam point out to Charley that she has argued with them. She has argued with everyone. But no-one tells her. No-one can be bothered. If they ignore her she will go away. If they nominate her and we vote for her, it will all be over.
So they remain quiet. Charley is the annoying, antagonistic voice on the forums, the one who spoils every conversation with gratuitous and offensive comments. Go away, we hope. Please go away. If we don’t talk to them, they will leave.
Like the website Forum spoiler, Charley seeks out a row to validate her existence. She wants to be noticed.
But who would look twice? Her comments on being gorgeous are delusional. She is wholly unexceptional.
And she is on her way out. Look for Charley to go. She will not win, not know she has overstepped the mark. She has no chance. Phat chance…
We want to agree. But we can’t. Nicky is miserable. She’s good looking but a smear of heavy eyeliner and a look into her eyes and she mutates into Max Wall.
Nicky is a miserabilist. That monotone voice. She’s channelling Ken Livingstone.
But she is missed by some. “It’s really sad, I’m proper gutted,” says Tracey in the Diary Room. It’s un-phat. Tracey is shedding tears. “She’ll be sadly missed by me. Definitely. She’ll watch us now.”
Tracy says she will miss Nicky’s chats. Tracy is, of course, a cheesy quaver and may miss those long heart-to-hearts in the stack, the droney comedown conversations. Perhaps Nicky reminds her of those times.
“I was proper surprised,” says Tracy of Nicky’s eviction. “I liked her so much so you don’t wanna think otherwise. It’s hard to watch someone leave. It’s a big loss ‘cos we had chats together and I won’t have that anymore. I won’t see her smile, her laugh, her ways.”
Her smile? Her laugh? Are those herbal cigarettes getting to Tracey? Can basil alter the mind and create false memories?
With Nicky gone, the betting is that Tracy will be next to leave. Anorak says take the bet. At 12-5, Tracy represents decent money. And with one of her friends gone, she will be nominated and very likely up for eviction.
She will probably face Charley, 4-5 favourite to be the sixth eviction. She has to go. Unless, of course, Big Brother does what we all crave and introduce a new housemate.
Charley is the show’s leading light. Hateful, mean, vindictive, argumentative but nonetheless likeable, or at least hard to despise, Charley is the show’s star. And the won we will miss should she go…
NICKY has “no friends”.
The Mirror makes it its business to publicise this truth. In “NICKY NO MATES”, readers learn that Nicky has no friends and will be voted out of the house tonight.
One punter has put £32,000 on Nicky being evicted tonight. On Betfair Nicky is 1.01 – 100-1 on – to go. This big punter stands to win £320 pounds.
We have no wish to cast aspersions on the character or mental ability of this gambler, but if Anorak were to engage in such a bet, it would be because it had illicit funds to wash or played football for West Ham United.
Nicky is not going to win Big Brother. You can get 509-1 on Nicky taking the £110,000 first prize. You can also make bets on Victoria Beckham hitting a note, Jordan sleeping on her front and an incontinent bear walking about the Vatican with a sheet of toilet paper.
The only reason to make this bet is to get our hands on Anorak’s free £10.
Sign up to Betfair here. Put £10 (plus an additional 15p for credit card handling charge) in your account. Bet the £10 on Nicky to be evicted. Get you ten pounds back with a small profit.
And then receive another tenner FREE. You win!
You can then take the tenner from your account, leaving the free money there to carry in betting.
Make the bet.
Sure he walks like a clockwork toy soldier. And since his Bucher Boy haircut there is something of the Forrest Gump about him, that part of the film where our hero runs in his leg braces.
But Brian (4-9 favourite to be the show’s top male) is smart.
He has been heard to utter the word “bourgeois”. He said “bohemian”. One reporter talks of “niche”.
Brian is no fool. Essex FM is the fool. As reported on Anorak, the station has begun a campaign to get Brian evicted from the Big Brother house. Essex FM says Brian is so thick he shows Essex in a bad light.
Brian’s mum Sue Smith believes he is simply playing the game. “He’s being portrayed as the Essex idiot but he’s not thick,” says Sue. “It’s just a game show and he’s playing it. He is clever.”
Brian’s aunt Rhona says: “He’s a genuinely nice lad. It’s a disgrace a radio show would be so disrespectful.”
Yeah. Show some R.E.S.P.C.T. “I’m going to be glamorous. G.L.A.M.O.R.S,” says Brain.
And then see the other Brian. The gangly boy with the straight-legged walk as if he’s been hit on the head by a cartoon hammer. In a cartoon, there would be sparrows twittering about Brian’s head.
But some wonder if Brian wetted himself on purpose to win the money? Or is he in some ways challenged?
Or maybe he’s just content and able to be himself. He wees. He cries. He starts a conversation by saying “Shut up!”
This is Brian. As Tracy says – and this is all she says – “Deal with it”.
(Do you remember Tracey, the raver who is ‘avin it in the stack? Yesterday she pulled on a clown’s head mask, a high rubber brow with day-glo shards of foam stuck out the top. This is very possibly Tracey’s headgear of first choice, the next best thing to a jester’s hat. But still she didn’t say much, or do much. Tracey is a disappointment. We were looking for Normski in his pomp but got Tony Adams after he’d come off the booze and cleaned up his act. This is reflected in Tracey’s odds on winning – she’s out to 89-1)
Brain is wearing a black top hat and a black suit. He looks like he should be trying to kill James Bond or recording a duet with Grace Jones.
He might be. Or he might be trying to work out how to walk and talk at the same time.
To less enlightened minds this sounds not unlike prostitution. It is not. It is entertainment. It is Big Brother. And, as the Star reports on its front page, £1million is lying prone on the table.
But not this table. Not the table marked “dinner”. Big Brother will be on our screens until 2010.The show’s owners have just singed a three-year-deal to remain at the Elstree TV studios.
It will go out with bang, says the Star. Or as the show’s spokesman tells the paper, the planning permission is “being finalised”.
That’s the best thing about Big Brother: the normality. The show always works best when the housemates are left to get on with it in a confined space.
But the Star wants more. It says Charley (“I’ll have a stab”) and Chanelle (“Big Bedder”) will do whatever it takes for the million.
Only there is no big money prize. The Star says there might be in Big Brother 11, when all former winners return to fight it out. Which means Charley will not only have to win this show but “bitch, bonk and backstab” for the next three years. Ever she may run out of impetus.
But Charley, as this year’s winner designate, she will compete against past Big Brother champions. The show’s first winner, Craig Phillips, has not drowned in his own saliva and will lead the likes of Brian Dowling, Cameron Stout (?), Nadia Almada, Anthony Hutton and Pete Bennett into the house.
They will be joined by Celebrity Big Brother winners Jack Dee, Mark Owen, Bez, Chantelle Houghton and Shilpa Shetty.
For reasons unspecified, the Star also finds room in the compound for Jade Goody. She has done well from the show, carving out a tasty career from the unpromising raw ingredient of soggy kebabs and bile.
Perhaps the plan is to seal the house with the winners within, a kind of Tomb of Our Time, a lasting landmark to celebrity?
And we can’t risk leaving out Jade out. Or Charley…
Who wins? Get your FREE £10 bet here
BIG Brother’s preordained winner Charley Uchea has been a revelation, offering an instant explanation as to why lapdancing clubs are so dimly lit and why men who visit them to talk to the girls are benign economical with the actualite.
Only a student pyschoanalyst or the Daily Sport would pay to converse with Charley (59-1 to win the show).
But sex sells. And sex has been used to sell Big Brother since its inception. Remember all those headlines and teasers about when the first act of coitus would occur.
This season’s Big Brother has already, apparently, featured Ziggy and Chanelle at it. Luckily that these more physically attractive housemates chose to buddy up; although we are left to wonder how much more interesting things would have been had Carole hooked up with Jonathan.
And then there is Chanelle (11-1 to win), the biggest wet patch since Madonna melted the icecap at Live Earth. Chanelle is not just drippy; Chanelle is a constant light drizzle. She is British summer time made legs and thong.
Charley is Chanelle’s nemesis. And we are now willing her to stop the flirting with Ziggy and move things on. A smooch in front of Chanelle would turn the Wakekfield wonder into a puddle.
And we would warm to Ziggy (47-1 to win). Who does not want to see what occurs when Charley snares her prey? She’ll be a terrier right. She’ll eat him alive, or else chew him up and spit him out.
And what if she finds love, real love; not the love that the world has for her, that deluded love that Charley sees in chants of “Get Charley out!” and “We hate youuuuu!” But real love.
BIG Brother’s preordained winner Charley Uchea has been a revelation, offering an instant explanation as to why lapdancing clubs are so dimly lit and why men who visit them to talk to the girls are liars.
Only a student pyschoanalyst or the Daily Sport would pay to converse with Charley.
But such is that lighting that they come to see her dance. So Charley dances. She licks her lips. She flashes her boobs.
Before her sits not a disparate group of housemates, each wondering what they are missing on the telly and if they should take one or two bottle into the shower. She is not dancing for a Priapic teen on a trip to the West End nor a braying middle manager keen to show his manliness and power with a warm fiver. Before Charley sits an “ENGLAND STAR”.
No, not Wayne Rooney; Charley’s not that old. And not David Beckham. He is a loyal family man and has eyes only for Her Poshness. Before Charley is “premiership ace Leroy Lita”.
Yes, him. Lita plays for Reading, it says here. He also, apparently, plays for England, but at what the Star is unspecific.
And Lita is up for it, so much so that when the Star goes to confront him with news that his meeting with Charley has been captured on camera he squirts photographer Wayne Starr with baby oil.
Everyone’s fair game to these sexed-up players. But the photographer is not dancing. And Lita is not talking with him over a £150 glass of champagne.
“He won’t be making any comment on this nor will the club,” says a spokesman for Spearmint Reading.
If you want to talk you have to pay first. And watch the show…
So what if it’s a fix and Charley is going to win. It’s only a gameshow, a contest in which viewers are invited to spend money on voting out their favourites and seeing them parachuted back in again.
It’s fake week. It’s Big Brother. Whisper it but the Big Brother house is not a real house. It’s not even on a real street. There is no council tax to be paid. It’s a studio in a field near Elstree.
And amid so much fakery, no-one is more of a fake than Charley. Sure she likes to keep it real, but reality to Charley is a lie. She tells it like it is. And it is one big lie.
If first place went to the housemate who had climbed Mount Snowdon in the fastest time and eaten Roy Castle’s trumpet, Charley would win. Anyone who says she’s a liar is just jealous.
Of course, one day Charley will be chucked out the house. She will feel the love. She will dance on a table at Chinawhites and date a Division One footballer. Her fame will be real. And then after two weeks of life in the limelight, Charley will stand on the wet patch and begin the slow inexorable slide into obscurity. The pain will be real.
Sure, she will tell her friends and pigeons in the precinct that she is more popular than air and was once asked to be Queen, but they will not believe her. Although Brain might, especially if Charley writes the truth down in a book.
But Charley is in the house. Nicky and Gerry are up for the chop. Nicky is a shoo-in to go. To date, all the favourites for eviction have gone. Nicky will go. At 1-33 on, Nicky is the shortest price yet for a housemate’s eviction. She is a dead cert.
Of course, Nicky is being edited to look whiny, lazy, miserable and grumpy. Although the housemates, who see her in what passes for reality 24/7, call her “grating” (Carole), the “sneakiest housemate” (Liam), and “nasty” (Gerry).
How Nicky who does nothing but moan and grumble came to be nastier than Charley is an oddity that no end of Big Brother psychologists can pontificate over.
Maybe it’s because after a while Charley just loses all power. She’s the housemate you can’t hate. Only pity…
PSSST! Wanna buy four singed books by Pete Bennett, last year’s Big Brother winner?
Pete: My Story “will make you cry, have you in stitches, and inspire you with its amazing honesty…But beneath his quirky and hilarious antics, it was Pete’s refreshing innocence and lack of fame-seeking that made him the most popular (and fancied) housemate Big Brother has ever seen.”
Pete’s fame-dodging biography is yours for 99p.
Bargain hunters looking on eBay can also find the official guide to BB3. This is your chance to see a balding Brummie receiving oral sex from Jade Goody.
And sticking with Jade, and to her, there’s the bottle of her perfume Shh… (top notes of kebab and drying tissue). It’s in a suede presentation box with a pot of shimmer puff body powder. Yours for £5.50.
A copy of the Star costs 40p. Anorak pays you £10 to watch Big Brother. Pick your deal…
Of course there are not. There are hot pictures of Dani Lloyd, the non-bullying, non-bigoted counterpunch to that hideous Danielle.
So hot is Dani that she’s wearing a string vest and no underwear. It’s a strong look and one we imagine well known to Star readers. If Dani can just perch her lips atop a bacon roll and scratch somewhere intimate, she will be as one with her people.
And she is getting hotter still. In “237 REASONS TO HAVE SEX”, the top driver to procreate is “I wanted to keep warm”.
The next most prominent reasons are: “I wanted to get a promotion”; “I wanted to release tensions”; “I wanted to feel closer to God”; and “I was bored”.
Such are the findings of researchers at the University of Texas for Archives of Sexual Behaviour.
Meanwhile Dani is so hot she needs not sex but to remove her string vest and get on her hands and knees for a good airing. And give readers the kind of look that could melt a friend egg sandwich…
BIG BROTHER ZIGGY’S SEX SECRETS,” announces the Star’s front page.
Chanelle is seeking revenge. She wants to get back at Ziggy by telling the world that he has a small penis.
“You go for the jugular every time, don’t you,” says Ziggy (out to 69-1 to win) to his former lover. The main vein.
Chanelle (12-1) wants Ziggy to stop talking to Charley. “It upsets me,” says she. “Will you not do it?”
Chanelle needs to grow up. But Big Brother only runs for another month or so and there is not time for her to develop into an adult before our eyes.
But Ziggy is not easily put off. He’s back in bed with Chanelle showing how much he cares, as he is best able.
“I am glad you are here Zac,” says Chanelle. “If you had been in the BB house another year I would never have met you.”
And then there would have been no Ziggy and Wet Blanket romance.
GERRY and Nicky will face the public vote this week, after Big Brother revealed that they received the most nominations this week.
Nicky is 1-25 on to go. Pile the free money on her. She is gone. Gone. Gone.
Gerry is 22-1 to go. Not a chance. For one thing he upsets Charley. For another… Well, he upsets Charley… He stays.
Every week the hot favourite to leave has left. Claim your fee £10 and place your bets…
WAKEFIELD is awash with stars.
Who knew that Wakefield, not permanently settled until the Germanic tribe, the Angles sailed up the Calder and decided to make it their home sometime in the 5th–6th century AD, the centre of the Rhubarb Triangle, was Britain’s look-alike capital?
And, as the Sun reports, Chanelle (15-1 to win) has “declared war” on one Katie Cheeseman.
Chanelle looks like Victoria Beckham, it says here. Ms Cheeseman, 23, looks like Katie Andre minus the Jordans.
“Chanelle thinks Wakefield’s only got room for one celeb lookalike,” says the Sun’s headline.
Katie says Chanelle is a “bitch, a bully and a poser”. She goes on: “Wakefield is a small city. Everyone knows everybody else.”
Posh lookalikes know Jordan lookalikes know someone who looks a bit like Wayne Rooney who has a dog that looks like Roly from EastEnders. And so on all the way to Pontefract.
“My boyfriend and I are always called Peter and Jordan,” says Cheeseman. “It’s a bit of a giggle and he likes to flash his six-pack whenever Peter’s song Mysterious Girl is played.”
That this tune should be played at all comes as no small shock. But then the DJ who looks like Bruno Brooks likes to keep it real.
“IT was fixed,” says Big Brother’s Charley Uchea, 11-1 to be the show’s top female, after Amanda (9-5), Chanelle (9-4),Carole (9-2) and Sam (6-1).
“Even if Nicky (49-1) had got more votes then me it would have been me still going. Davina was saying to me ‘You’re unique, you’re unique. I can guarantee they chose me for a reason.”
So she is better than the others? “I’m not saying that because I’m better than any of you, I’m not saying that.”
But Charley is loved by the public.
They slap her hands. They scream “Peace be upon you, Charley”. The lame approach to be touched. A squadron of RAF jets fly overhead spelling out “Charley” in plumes of smoke and an arrow-pieced heart.
Marks & Sparks produces a range of G-Charley thongs. Channel 4 creates an hour-long 100 Best Charley Moments retrospective. Melinda Messenger models the new Charley implants.
“You can nominate me all you want guys. But this week, next week or the week after, I’ll still be here. They love me out there. It’s because I’m real. I’m a big character.”
The housemates listen. And if they listen harder. They can hear the fans: “Get Charley out!” they scream. “Get Charley out!”
Because we love her. We need her to walk among us. We need Charley…
She is not passing kebabs and vials of curry cause though the railings. She is not counting the number of “Shilpas” coming. She is not “looking after” dinner money.
Jade is looking over £2,350-a-term Oaklands School, Loughton, Essex.
Home education is not Jade’s thing and she has decided to send her eldest son, Bobby ‘Tikka’ Jack, to school.
Bobby’s first days at the desk will, as the Sun reports, feature in a magazine article.
If they let him in. “There is a backlash against the head’s decision to offer Bobby Jack a place for September,” says a source known only as “mum”.
“Parents have seen her and asked her to reconsider because they think Jade Goody will lower the tone and spell trouble.” Or Trubal.
“One mum has threatened to pull her child out and others are talking about a petition – feelings are running high.”
Another mum adds: “Oaklands is a discreet school and parents don’t like the thought that their kids will be forced to appear in a magazine next to Jade’s.”
Says Jade: “It’s ridic’ous if dees peepal fink my profile az un Essex gurl moight tarnish de skool – Dey’re frum Essex too.”
Jade is from Bermondsey, South London. She moved to Essex to better herself. And we’d suggest it is not her locale that troubles minds but her attitude towards those of colour.
Anorak cannot overlook the chilling possibility that on returning to school, having holidayed in sunny foreign climes, some children may appear Indian. What then the chance that young Armani Four-Be-Four will be met with the call “Oi Poppadom!” and find herself embraced by little Booby Goody and smiling for the cameras as Jade speaks of educating the poor Indians so they can better themselves.
“I have a good relationship with the head,” says Jade with no hint of irony.
“We have an equal opportunities admissions policy,” says the head, Pat Simmons. Indeed they do. Brown, black, white or tandoori-orange a private school will accept anyone so long as they’re money is good.
It is the mark by which standards are maintained…
CHANELLE is needy. How much like Victoria Beckham is she? Do you think David Beckham went to LA to appease his wife, to give her the ticket to A-list fame she craves? not that he ever cheated on her… Just like Ziggy:
Chanelle (18-1 to win) to Ziggy: Why would you ask someone else out for a drink with you, when, you know… that’s really embarrassing for me
Ziggy (out to 54-1 to win): What? Why is that embarrassing for you? For a drink outside? You know what? You are seriously… you know what?
Chanelle: She said it on national TV
Ziggy: What, to go out for a friendly drink when we were talking about the wrap party?
Chanelle: Charley said, “Ziggy even asked me to go out for a drink with him ’cause he didn’t like Chanelle any more”. Those were the words that she said on air, Carole, int it?
Carole: No, she didn’t
Chanelle: She f****** did! Chanelle shrieked. Oh my God, ask the twins!
Ziggy: She never said that! Chanelle please! You know what it was? ‘Cause he’s not with Chanelle any more’
Ziggy: You for some reason you think I fancy Charley! Why the hell would I nominate someone I fancied? You’re ridiculous Chanelle!
Chanelle: Don’t call me ridiculous, Zac, just leave it. Do you always have to get the last word in things?
Ziggy: I don’t. I really don’t.
One day Chanelle will look back on this and weep. But not tomorrow…
CHARLEY Uchea is now 31-1 to win Big Brother. Two weeks ago when Billi Bhatti was her designated rowing companion, Charley was 90-1. (Use your free Anorak bet.)
What changed between then and now is that Big Brother contrived to make Charley indestructible.
It created FAKE week in which Charley was set up for the fall. She fell. She was caught by Big Brother’s producers understandably concerned that six weeks of housemates getting on would not make good telly. Charley was carried shoulder high back into the house by a simpering Davina McCall.
Of course, most of the crowd that said anything screamed “GET CHARLEY OUT!” But Charley saw only the small handkerchief-sized banner that said “Charley can’t help it” and told her housemates “Oh my GOD! They LOVE me!”
The girl is maddening, hateful, spiteful and deluded. She is also capable of being entertaining, which the rest of the housemates are not.
Without Charley, the show hinges on:
How shiny Carole can get the dining table
How blonde is too blonde for Samanda and the corollary ‘Can you ever go too blonde?’
What does it say on Ziggy’s chest (a poll of the Anorak’s typing pool suggests: “Teeth by Tip-Ex”; a disclaimer: “I need fame and am only using you as a means to an end”; and “If you can read this you are too close.”
So Charley is back inside. And now she knows everything. Thanks to Big Brother, Charley knows what she looks like when she rows. This came as a shock to Charley who one had supposed practiced rowing in front of a mirror.
She knows what her housemates think of her, again no little shock to us who have seen her argue with one and all, Gerry chuck a glass of water over her and the fact she was nominated and evicted.
And she now knows what she has to do to win: row.
Last week was FAKE week and this week will be CHARLEY week again. Or, should she turn the rowing up a notch, ASBO Week, MURDER week or NEW CONTESTANT week…
CHARLEY Uchea didn’t look surprised when Davina announced her name.
“Thank you Davina,” she called, leaping up from the sofa.
And she’s going back in. The show’s dire. We know. It’s terrible. We know. But Charley is entertaining. She is the product of the CCTV generation – happy on camera all the time.
Film me! No me! No me! I’ll nick a packet of sweets if I have to. Just so long as you film me…
“THE audition isn’t just for interesting personalities, but for strength,” says Gerry. They were looking for mental endurance.
To Brian: “You were deemed mature enough to cope with the pressure,” he explained, adding: “They hate it when housemates walk out.”
Gerry says housemates can also be “incredibly stupid”: “They can survive in this environment because they’re too thick to notice anything that will happen.”
Death threats? The Star does not say, declining to shine the light of publicity upon shadowy forces, but taking care not to rule out al-Qaeda, the Women’s Institute or the Animal Liberation Front.
There is talk of a riot, how parachuting an evicted Charley back into the house could spark trouble. Six former SAS professionals have been hired to ensure the Big Brother house does not turn into a televised Waco or Noel’s House Party.
“There seems to be genuine concern this could end up being another Fight Night,” says a source. “But these guys are the best there is and can take people down in seconds.”
Good. And better then Gerry who tried to take Charley down with a thrown glass of water and snootiness.
Look out for the trained heavies taking Ziggy down by commenting on how he looks about 45 and has Cliff Richard’s teeth, how Brian is Bernard Breslaw incarnate and that Chanelle should put her undersized thong on her face and starts speaking out of her bum, the one thing that keeps her in the show and offers a chance of victory.
But Charley will go tonight. She’s 1-25 on for eviction (Nicky’s 16-1) and in to 29-1 to win the show.
The Star reports that Thaila’s original mission was to woo Charley Uchea for “girl-on-girl” action. Chuck in Charley’s hair and you have Big Brother pushing back the boundaries of pro-amateur-pet television.
The plot stems from words uttered by Charley when she first set eyes upon Thaila: “I’m gonna tell her she can sleep with me. I don’t mind, it’d be fun.”
So here’s Thaila in the house, doing what the part demands in the best possible taste. Says she top Charley: “I’m a raving lesbian. I can appreciate a good looking woman. I wanna have fun in this house.”
Thaila, the consummate professional, will go all the way. She will woo Charley. She and Charley will become an item. They will leave the show and press their naked breast together in the Daily Star. Charley will be thinking of the money, Thaila of her stagecraft.
The Star’s front page tells us: “ZIGGY’S SECRET DATES WITH THAILA.”
For those of you unable to keep up with the plot so far, know that an original show has been overrun by jobbing actors, boyband singers and tatty Wags. This is Big Brother does the X Factor.
And key players in the house are Ziggy and Patricia. The former’s real name is Zac. The latter’s real name is Thaila and she used to be in a band. And, yes, they have dated.
Or they might have done. Inside the paper, the Star is more circumspect, hearing only the chatter on an internet forum. A voice speaks of a fix. Another whispers of conspiracy. Another asks of Ziggy and Thaila: “Maybe they dated?”
Maybe they did. Maybe they will. The show seems now to be run by the Big Brother management agency, looking for winners and talent they can make money from.
Who needs last year’s winner Pete Bennett and talentless wannabes when you can have half-talented wannabes who need a showcase?
So we get Ziggy and Thaila the presenters. And Charley the Wag whose hair really wags.
And fake week in which we are invited to look at the fakers – Gerry, Samanda, Tracey, Carole, Chanelle, Liam, Nicky and Brian…
QUOTES from the Big Brother audition tapes:
Chanelle: I’m quite possessive. OK, I’m really possessive. OK, If I’ve got a boyfriend then I don’t let him leave the house
Charley: I’m loud, I’m mad and quite argumentative sometimes. And I always think I’m right
Ziggy: I don’t think any guys had tried to bed two girls in the house at the same time without the other one knowing
Brian: I like the idea of a house that people can look in, but you’re in the house and can’t see out
Gerry: I’ve had too many boys for the past three years in London. I’d like to fancy some women. I think I need to explore more
Tracey: I like peace. It cost nothing to smile at anybody
Liam: I make people laugh. I make people smile. I always end up the centre of attention
Who’s going to win? Take your free £10 bet with Anorak…
Source: Daily Star