Celebrities | Anorak - Part 367

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

The Sun Always Shines On Victoria Beckham:

victoria-beckham.jpgVICTORIA Beckham is wearing a red dress.

It must be a Thursday. And it must be the Sun, which operates as Her Poshness’s diarist.

In times to come, Posh will be able to flick through past copies of the Sun and know what she was doing on any given day.

And on Thursday September 13 2007 she was wearing a red dress. At least she was the night before (Wednesday September 12) when she arrived for a meal at New York’s Cipriani restaurant.

(Note: the Mirror disputes the claim by saying the dress is orange. But the sun knows.)

Between bites of food, Posh tells the paper: “I got in very late last night but the first thing I did in the morning was ring home and check in on my family, making sure everyone has their homework done and everyone’s gone to school.”

And the kids and Day-vid can see what mummy’s been up to by reading the Sun…

Posted: 13th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Britney Spears Forced To Wear The Pants

britney-spears.jpgA CAUTIONARY tale for Britney Spears as the Star brings news that 70 per cent of men are turned off by women with no underwear.

Britney should wear pants, and to maximize impact she, or her stylist, should ensure that they are black, followed by pink, white a navy blue.

Britney may care to wear all four colours as well as her signature orange at once and add a sense of mystique to her jaded act.

And Britney is as tired as she is emotional. As the Sun reports in “Britney barmy barnet barney”, Spears was so unhappy with her hair for her recent MTV showing that she was handed prescription drugs to calm down.

A source says: “Britney took enough to floor an elephant. They calmed her down – but were clearly too effective.”

Next time Britney may be forced to take still more drastic action and shave her hair or wear a wig.

It is clear that Spears needs help. But, as the Star reports, she is finding it hard to come by.

The paper reports that “troubled “Britney is fining it tricky to secure a nanny because of her “sleazy lesbian lust”.

If anyone is to leer at the help it should be the man of the house. But with K-Ferret estranged, Britney is being forced to play the role of bother mom and pop.

It is she who must wear the pants…

Posted: 13th, September 2007 | In: Britney Spears, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Mum’s Gone To Italy: Kerry Katona’s Latest Wedding

kerry6.jpgKERRY Katona, own-brand ketchup champion, has not gone to Iceland. She’s gone to Italy.

Happily, what Italy lacks in frozen fish and Boozie Brownies, it tries to make up for in weddings. And OK! invites us to experience the thrills and no few spills from Kerry’s official wedding to Mark Croft.

Can it be only a few months since Katona married Mark on St Valentine’s Day in a modern function room on the Scottish borders?

It can be. That do ended months of “feverish anticipation”. “This is it,” said Kerry back then. “I don’t know how I lived without Mark before. He does everything for me. We’ve not spent a single day apart. And I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.”

Now Kerry gets to spend another lifetime with the lovely Mark as she marries to him in Italy.

“I’m so excited because it’s all a big surprise,” says Kerry, who may have sensed something was up when the OK! marriage contract was slipped beneath her skirts.

So here we are on the shores of Lake Orta. We’re at the Villa Crespi. No, not Cispsy, as in Thin and Crispy. Crespi, as in Villa Crepsi, an “extraordinary hotel dating back to the 1930s”.

The guests are seated in a Moorish colonnade. Mark is waiting for her beloved. He nips out for few sips of beer. OK! says this is to calm his nerves.

And a mere 45 minutes late, Kerry appears on the arm of her “good friend and PR guru Max Clifford”.

How terrific of Max not to spill the beans and ruin Mark’s surprise wedding that saw him hire his wife a Philip Armstrong strapless gown and complementary white rose.

“I dos” are exchanged. And Kerry says: “Mark, when we became mates, I treasured our friendship – and the Xbox of course!” (Cue laugher and the sound of aliens being zapped.)

There are then tears. The couple sign the register. Someone presses play on the beat box and Nessun Dorma is played. And so to the wedding breakfast. It is 7pm.

Guests are seated. The Wayne Allen sings Always And Forever over a starter of Sicilian prawns with celeriac puree. Encore. And guests tuck into steak and chips.

And at midnight – incredible, we know – it is Kerry birthday. She turns 27. More tears. Everyone sings happy birthday.

And OK! wonders. What about of those rumours of Kerry’s dalliance round the back of Tesco’s with a youth? Says Mark: “Who would believe the face of Iceland would go with some 19-year-old weakling.”

Not we. Not Magnus Magnusson. Not Mark…

Posted: 12th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Kerry Katona, OK! | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Madonna’s Purple Pentrator Sex Toy On Show

madonna.jpgINTERESTING indeed that Madonna should choose to place her Purple Penetrator martial aide in a clear plastic bag.

A private consultation with our dear friend Ann Summers reveals more about the Purple Penetrator (ask for it by name).

Ms Summers advises that the phallus has an “adjustable waist and back strap to fit all sizes”. Features include a “vibrating bullet”, “multispeed battery box” and “clip”.

(If only our forces in Iraq were to well equipped.)

This is “MADGE’S TOY JOY.” And it is one she seems keen for each of us to experience.

And not least to all husband Guy Ritchie, whose 39th birthday she has been celebrating in Claridge’s hotel.

A “hotel guest” tells the paper: “Maybe she just wanted to ram home the point that she is the boss in their relationship.”

Batteries not included.

Posted: 12th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Madonna, Tabloids | Comments (6) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Victoria Beckham’s Two-For-One Deal

poshfashion1.jpg“POSH flashes a pair,” says the Sun’s front page. And readers wonder that Victoria Beckham’s career should come to this?

But a flick of the page and readers are affronted not with Her Poshness’s appendages but “Peta, 20, Essex”. Peta would rather go nearly naked than wear fur. She tells us how wonderful it is that a hard-up family has won £8.5million on the Lotto.

Says Peta: “This is exactly what the game is all about – it really makes you think it could be me.”

The game is not football, but the Lotto. And Peta dreams not of being a Wag and so gaining access to untold riches, but of winning the Lottery.

But enough of Peta. We want to know what’s become of our Vicky?

It is only on the Sun’s Page 21 that we get to see Sticky Vicky. In “TWO POSH”, reader learn that Vicky has worn not one but TWO dresses on ONE day.

The Mirror trumps the Sun and does position this happening on Page 3. That Vicky should cut down on her dress intake is admirable and worthy of our support.

The Mirror shows that Vicky’s dress number one is a £2,000 Vintage Herge Leger dress. It’s purple with a criss-cross grey top, a design popular with the Godolphin racing stable.

Dress number 2 is an Oscar de la Renta creation. It costs £3,450. As one observer writes: “Her dress would also look better on the floor, with a coffee table in the middle of it and two loveseats flanking it.”

David and their kids are not in the shot but are thought to be right behind Posh’s efforts…

Posted: 12th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Victoria Beckham Is Looking For A Man

becks.jpgTODAY Victoria Beckham is wearing a “colourful little Pucci shift dress and matching pink £8,000 Hermes Birkin bag”.

The Mirror says Her Poshness is in New York for Fashion Week.

She is also wearing “her trademark oversized sunglasses” that cover the greater part of her face.

For anyone who wants to experience the Posh magic up close and personal, the Express says Vicky is auditioning for a “plummy-voiced male nanny”.

Says Vicky: “I watched the film Vin Diesel started in as a male nanny [The Pacifier] and just loved it and thought that men can be just as good as a nanny as women.”

Indeed, what are the films but a fly-on-the-wall docu-drama of everyday Los Angeles life?

Some would go further and say a father can be just as good as a mother at raising their children. And with Day-vid hardly kicking ball these days, he’d be wise to consider a career away from football.

“While I love it here in the States,” says Vicky, “we are not Americans and I want my boys to keep their British accents and roots. It would be unthinkable for them to lose it.”

In which case we urge Vicky to reconsider and hire a man with a reedy voice or else urge the manny to inhale copious amounts of helium and learn how to roast a kee-barb…

Posted: 11th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Britney Spears’ Tum Deal At MTV Awards

spears_l.jpgBRITNEY Spears has always depended on the kindness of strangers. Or stringers, given that since giving full throat to the pleasures of domestic violence, Britney has existed only in the media.

But remaining in the limelight is no easy thing. To do so Britney needs a new talent.

If music is no longer her thing, much less dancing, she needs to: be available and knickerless (check), have children (check), juggle her life with her children, literally (check), do something with her hair, such as put it in a paper bag (check), go into rehab (check).

Having trod fame’s stepping stones, Spears’ options are dwindling. She can now either a) date Pete Doherty (possibly meeting him in rehab); b) become a UN goodwill ambassador; c) adopt a child; d) go to prison; or d) put on weight.
As the Sun shows on its front page, Spears has opted for ‘d’.

In “Brit is the Pits” the paper looks on a Spears appears at the MTV Awards in Las Vegas.
We already know that Spears cannot dance or sing all that well, points she was keen to confirm to an audience of millions.

She is pictured stumbling into a man who is gazing at her tummy.

In the Star, which has two pages dedicated to Spears’ uselessness, another dancer is placing a hand over the former singer/dancer’s midriff in the manner of an expectant father.

But Britney is not pregnant, news in itself. This is just “BRITNEY’S TUM-BACK” (Mirror). The paper talks of “flab”. The Mail sees a “paunch” and weight on her hips.

Success for Britney. She can now balloon to massive dimensions. And then, as is the way of such things, she will lose the weight in a TV spectacular.

The press will then be free to talk about Spears’s yo-yoing weight and create news as she eats a lump of fat or doesn’t…

Posted: 11th, September 2007 | In: Britney Spears, Celebrities | Comments (19) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Victoria Beckham’s Goes The Extra Half Inch

1945.jpgTHE Mirror says Victoria Beckham knows 12 months is a long time in fashion.

Interestingly, 12 years is no time at all, and if you wait long enough your wardrobe will come en vogue.

But we demur to the Mirror’s central point and see Her Poshness stood before a mirror applying lipstick to her lips, which for ease of identification Posh pushes forward and apart.

Unavoidably, Posh has a new bob hairstyle (circa 1995). Her acrylic nails are long gone and her fake back has made way for a natural “Californian glow” ™.

Vicky is said to be perfecting her look in accordance with her book The Extra Half Inch (see lips).

Writes Vicky: “In the last edition of the book I said I was wary of tops with horizontal stripes. But I couldn’t resist that gorgeous striped dress for the cover shoot.”

The dress may or may not be second-hand, or vintage as it is known among the cognoscenti. Without the benefit of a sniff, we can be uncertain if this is the same dress that was once sported as a top by Terry Fenwick in his Queen’s Park Rangers pomp.

More to follow…

Posted: 10th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Goodbye Mr Chips: Jamie Oliver’s Integrated Eating Policy

jamie-oliver.jpgJAMIE Oliver’s latest “pukka plan” is profiled in the Sun. A clue to what we can expect comes in the headline: “Call me Jamie 0-level.”

Jamie is in full political bent. Tony Blair’s administration did not just spawn weapons of mass destruction, Leo Blair and a spiritual reawakening among Cliff Richard fans. It coincided with the rise of Jamie Oliver.

Oliver met with Tony, and you can hear the former leader’s influence in Jamie’s outline for the future of the country.

As Oliver tells readers: “I always knew School Dinners would take ten years to come to fruition so it doesn’t bother me – I know it will come good.”
What doesn’t bother Jamie is that many children don’t like school dinners all that much, and prefer to gain sustenance form outside catering facilities.

But it is the ten year plan that stands out. Readers may recall Tony’s own ten-year plan for an integrated transport policy. That began in 1997 and comes to fruition on December 31 this year when Reading station gets a new replacement bus service to Newbury and the Wiltshire hinterlands.
Lifted by this success, Oliver is moving into education. Or education, education, education – a starter, main and pudding of a policy.
Oliver thinks a class talking about “life skills, common sense and cooking” should be in the syllabus.

“I’m concerned if we don’t get the classroom stuff done as well as the school dinners we will be f***** in 20 years time – just like America is now – a health nightmare. We are on the cusp of an epidemic, it really is that serious.”
With a nod to William Hague, Jamie says “it should be about common sense”.

Jamie is cultivating cross-party support. “Gordon, please,” says Jamie, “you know it makes sense.”

The doom-mongers at LibDem headquarters say that since Jamie started his School Dinners campaign around 400,000 children have shunned the service. Can they be brought on message?

For now, Jamie feels “good about what I did”.

Jamie says he went to Soweto, to an orphanage for Aids children. It was “incredibly emotional”. Using carrot, celery, mince meat and onions, a woman made a stew better than any Jamie has witnessed being made in England in two years.
The massage is clear: we should eat like they do in Soweto. Choice is off. If it’s not on the menu, we don’t do it. End of.

And so to the Jamie O-level. Take a dash of history, a knob of geography, a pinch of salt and a spritz of something special.

Et voila! A vision…

Posted: 10th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Jamie Oliver | Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Big Brother: Charley’s Essex Travelogue

bb859_charleyangry_445-bb8-a.jpgDAILY STAR: Chanelle and Ziggy have spent a “romantic weekend” together. This follows a row they had in a “top nightclub”.

“Everything’s fine,” Chanelle reassures a worried public.


“IS IT COZ I IS BLACK?” The headline is used to illustrate a picture to Charley Itchea pointing finger at a policeman’s stab vest.

She was arrested after a “foul-mouthed rant”.

Charley is with her sister Jade and someone who answers to the name CeCe.
Jordan is driving a silver mini. She runs a red light at a set to temporary lights in Loughton, Essex.

The girls arrive at the bar. They girls have a drink. The girls leave the local bar. They drive for 50 yards. A police car follows. The police pull the car over.

“This is f***ing racist,” says Charley… It’s a f***ing disgrace.”

She offers that “every policeman in Loughton is racist”. And: This would not happen where I’m from.” Good to hear that the police in Charley’s south London manor are not racist, at last not all of them.

In any case, Loughton is a “sh*thole,” says Charley in her travelogue.

She concludes her Essex meet-and-greet with the time honoured: “Don’t you know who I am?”


Carole is to appear on Kent’s Radio Invicta. “We think her humour and her intelligence would make her a really good presenter,” says a spokesman.

“I’ve been blessed with so many marvellous opportunities thanks to the Star,” says Carole.

Posted: 10th, September 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (8) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Big Brother Carole’s Net Benefits

carole-vincent.jpgFOR every one Big Brother star emeritus who secures a job displaying her primary sexual characteristics there are scores that fall by the wayside.

As the Star announces via its front page: “BIG BRO 8 STAR SIGNS ON DOLE.”
“I’m totally skint,” says the reality TV icon.

Turning the page readers learn that the Big Bother benefits scrounger is Carole Vincent. “I’m now more skin than before,” says Carole.

How different it all seemed when Carole entered the Big Brother house back in May. Her catchphrase, “If you want an argument, I’m the f****** argument!”, was all set to be the nation’s number one pre-recorded prank call and ringtone.

But we should have realised Carole was unlucky when we learnt that she operated as an unemployed sexual health worker from East London.

How was this possible? Old Mr Anorak, no stranger to matters of sexual illness, scoffed at hearing that and regaled the Anorak typing pool with tales of the time he brought his Thai Ladies’ ping-pong team to the Hackney Downs baths.

Carole says he wants to produce sex education videos. This may necessitate Carole wearing a bra and knickers set in the mode of a more successful Big Brother product.

And demanding money with menaces…

Posted: 7th, September 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Jamie Oliver Says Lock Up The Kids

jamie-oliver.jpg“JAMIE Oliver, the celebrity chef, has backed a plan to prevent children buying junk food by locking their school gates at lunchtimes,” observes the Telegraph.

It seems that children don’t all like eating polenta and coucous and like to eat crisps, chips and foot-long chocolate bars.

Says Oliver: “If the kids won’t come to you, take the food to the kids with satellite kitchens that can go in the playground.”

These are known in the TV business as carting vans and to late-night drinkers as the last resort.

Oliver is right, of course. In this fair and free land the kids should be locked up and made to eat what is handed to them in a Government-sanctioned canteen on pain of starvation.

Some will try to escape. And being so very thin they may well wriggle out between the bars.

But they won’t get far.

The idea is being considered in Denbighshire, North Wales, where the local Welsh nationalists have been informed that all sweet shops and takeaways are owned by English barons.

They are being firebombed as we write…

Posted: 6th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Jamie Oliver | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Big Brother’s Underwear Section: Chanelle Hayes’ Boots And Bra Braces

chanellehayesnaked.jpgTHE experiment to see if celebrities are any better at selling newspapers than the dwindling band of non-celebrities moves on to the underwear section.

Now rid of her Big Brother pilchard suit and fraying cheese-wire thong, the show’s Chanelle Hayes is exploring the possibilities of knickers, bras and their many combinations and variants.

Today Chanelle has opted to appear on the Star’s cover page clad in a pair of back lacy knickers and a bra that she has pulled down and tucked into her fishnet stockings.

There is every reason to believe Chanelle’s time in Big Brother captivity has altered her perceptions and she is no longer like the rest of us.

Tuck your vest into your Y-fronts by all means, but bra into long socks gives cause for worry.

Undoubtedly the psychologists that agonised over Chanelle’s mental health on Big Brother On The Couch are shaking their heads and making copious notes about Chanelle’s abandonment issues.

And the Star seems to be feeding that mania as it announces: “CHANELLE MY S&M PLANS FOR ZIGGY.”

Of course, the legend should read “CHANELLE MY M&S PLANS FOR ZIGGY” and feature Chanelle is product placement pose for the country’s premier supplier of undergarments.

But we will not criticise, get our knickers in a twist. We only wish Chanelle every success with her nascent career and look forward to seeing her in all manner of underwear in the near future…

Posted: 6th, September 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Owen Wilson II: Meet The Makers

owen_wilson.jpgWONDER no longer what Owen Wilson intended when he slashed his wrists and took prescription pills.

The Enquirer is there with the truth and hears the actor yell: “I killed Princess Diana!”

No, not really. That was just our guess. Indeed a quick survey of the Anorak typing pool threw up suicide bed suggestions “Oprah smells of cats!”, “Let’s nuke Canada” and “Elton…that you?”

The truth is no less sensational as the Enquirer hears Wilson scream: “I want to die!”

The Enquirer hears all. But the irony is that Wilson was suicidal because – get his – he felt so alone and had no lover in his life.

We join the action as Andrew Wilson, Owen’s older brother, finds the actor “bloody and incoherent” at his Santa Monica home.

A source says that after an hour Andrew called the emergency services. The medics arrived. And Owen gave full throat to the tagline “I want to die”.

But even the stars cannot get all they want all the time and the medics inserted a saline drip in the Owen body and staved off his demise for a later date.

Owen Wilson would live. He would start life afresh. He would be Owen II: The Rehab.

Working title ‘My girlfriend won’t take me back”, starring Kate Hudson…

Posted: 5th, September 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

This Ol Winehouse: Last Orders For Amy’s Alma Mater

amy-winehouse-2.jpgAMY Winehouse takes time out from rehab to open her heart to rock ‘n’ roll magazine OK!.

Looking like a cross between Bette Midler (when thin) and Alma Cogan (when alive), Winehouse is met by the line: “Lots of people talk about your drinking…”

“Yes,” replies Winehouse, “bored people.”

Instead of that boring chat, Winehouse tells us that when she goes “training” she is “lovely to be around”.

Training for popstars, one imagines, consists of putting in the hard yards between bars and drug dens. But Winehouse is a rebel of her age and for her training means going to the gym. To exercise.

“But then there’s the other days like I had to go to work and I said to my manager’s assistant: ‘Can you get me some mini Jack Daniel’s please, I just want three or four then I’ll be sweet as a nut.’”

Not the litre bottle? Right… Can we talk about..?

“I wasn’t even crying, I was like: ‘Listen, if you want to have a nice day, please got me some alcohol.’ By two bottles done I was like yes!”

Back to your life. There was the reha..

“I’ve had phases in my life where I wake up and all I want to do is drink alcohol, but that was…”

But aside from the drinking there’s…

“Normal people spend time thinking, what am I going to do with my life? I spend time drinking.”

And talking about drinking…

Posted: 5th, September 2007 | In: Amy Winehouse, OK! | Comments (6) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

A Posh Do: Big Brother’s Wedding Of The Year

posh-becks.jpg“BIG Brother stars Chanelle & Ziggy’s Posh Wedding.”

No time to waste. Fame’s clock counts down not up, ending not with the sound of detonating hopes and smashed dreams but silence as the phone stops ringing and a muffled yawn.

The minutes are ticking by and here are Ziggy and Chanelle tying the knot.

OK! is there to see all. It invites us inside their “DREAM CASTLE WEDDING”.
Ziggy is dressed as all OK! grooms must be in white, how one imagines the Pillsbury Doughboy would dress for his big day in court.

To his right sits Chanelle. Like her idol Victoria Beckham, Chanelle is sat on a throne. It might be the very throne Her Poshness sat upon.

Inside the castle and Ziggy and Chanelle are sharing an intimate moment. He is pushing his nose into her right eye. She is looking enraptured.

Then they are in the garden, reprising the moment when Day-vid dressed in Little Jimmy Osmond’s cast offs and went down on both knees.

Chanelle then puts on a tiara that seems to be made from the wire from atop the champagne cork.

They cut a cake with a sword. The blade looks rusty. As do the couple who though sat by an altar, and Ziggy is reading a prayer book, fail to actually marry.

And we realise that what we are watching is not the wedding of Chanelle and Ziggy but a visual echo from Posh and Becks’ prototype do.

And now the couple are crossing a bridge in New York…

Posted: 5th, September 2007 | In: Big Brother TV, OK! | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Big Brother Secret Sex Rooms

breeding-big-brother.jpgA “HIDDEN room” and a Big Brother “SEX SECRET”.

The Star operates at the vanguard of investigative journalism. And it has pictures.

We can now confirm as fact that Ziggy and Chanelle have partaken in “nights of red hot lust”.

And we can say with little doubt that Davina McCall has “arranged a steamy snog between winner Brian Belo and Amanda Marchant”.

Bit Brother now operates as mating rooms, reality TV’s joy division wherein wannabes can mingle with likeminded people and produce a generation of wide-mouthed, tit-jutting screamers.

Test tubes provided…

Posted: 5th, September 2007 | In: Big Brother TV, TV & Radio | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Viva Viagra: Elvis The Pelvis Keeps It Up

viagra-elvis.jpg“LISA Marie works hard to protect the King’s image,” says the Enquirer.

Thankfully, Lisa Marie Presley does not work alone. Elvis’s fans help to keep the legend alive by oozing their bloated bodies into white trouser suits with rhinestone batwings and sweating under the lights of the Balti Curry Inn, Surbiton.

Few depart from the proscribed Elvis look, not daring to portray Elvis in his thinner years lest they appear guilty of heresy or going off-brand.

So it understandable Lisa Marie is “livid” that her father’s memory is being sullied.

As the Enquirer reports, Elvis and his pelvis are being employed to sell erectile dysfunction medication.

The mind boggles to suppose any Elvis fan needs such potions. The opening refrain to Good Rockin’ Tonight is thought to have created more human life than the entire Tommy Steele back catalogue and Dr Robert Winston combined.

But times move. And now Viva Las Vegas has been mutilated to Viva Viagra.

That this outrage should coincide with the 30th anniversary of Elvis’ death in a Paris tunnel is too bad. That it should coincide with his duet with daughter Lisa is shameful.

Lisa’s close harmony rendering of In The Ghetto, with her father in animatronic support, is both tasteful and what Elvis would have wanted.

If Elvis were alive he’d be 72 and able to stick up for himself…

Posted: 4th, September 2007 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Jennifer Aniston Rows To Pitt And Jolie

brad_maddox_061507_02.jpgTHE Third Rule of American tabloid dictates that where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie lead Jennifer Aniston must follow. And in this week’s Enquirer, Aniston is following on a surfboard.

“BRAD GEARS UP FOR CUSTODY BATTLE!” announces the Enquirer’s front page. “His plans for the kids if they split!”

Aniston is standing up. She’s holding an oar. She’s ponting in Hawaii.

Can she get to Hollywood in time to catch Pitt should he leave Jolie? Will Brad and Ange carve up the world between them, he getting the white and Hispanic children, she the black and Asian? Will Aniston blend in?

The Enquirer’s source says that should Pitt and his lover split and should he want custody of their daughter Shiloh and should a plague of frogs not descend on Beverly Hills “she would fight tooth and nail to keep her family intact”.

Looking at the Jolie oeuvre, we suggest Pitt should watch out for the Jolie heel to the throat and for the roving UN goodwill ambassador’s bony parts, of which there are several.

But what of this home life? We learn that Maddox, Child No.1, has apparently become a little spoilt. Only a little you gasp. You shut up your mouth and shake your head.

If Maddox is to survive in the Hollywood Hills, he needs to up his game. More toys for the young master. As many grasshoppers as he can eat. A night out with Kelly Osbourne must be booked.

Against this is Brad who wants to instil a sense of discipline in young Maddox.

“Angie thinks he’s too tough on Maddox, but she seethes when Brad tries to enforce any discipline,” says the source.

And here comes Aniston. She’s ready to put her oar in…

Posted: 4th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Jennifer Aniston, National Enquirer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Big Brother’s Chanelle Hayes And Ziggy Lachman Are Buzzing

chanelle-ziggy.jpgHEAR that? That’s the buzz. And Big Brother’s Chanelle’s Hayes is tuned into it.

“We didn’t get to sleep till gone 3am,” says Chanelle on the Star’s cover page. No wonder. The celebrity buzz sounds like a mosquito at close quarters. One day Chanelle will never sleep at all and will be forced to resort to prescription drugs and daytime telly to gain any respite from fame’s demands.

For now though she is relaxing in the arms of her lover Ziggy. “We both really want to give this a go,” says Ziggy.

And there is much more to say. On page 2, Chanelle says: “It was a really magical night of love …but both of use feared we would be called into the Dairy Room.”

Chanelle was worried that she was being watched. “Then I remember I went to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I heard this click and I jumped, thinking a camera was homing in on me.”

Relief to find herself wrong and that the Star has not delved into more esoteric fetishism, it’s photographer remaining in the hotel room proper waiting for Chanelle to emerge dressed in a thong and dry hump Ziggy.

Pages 5 and 6, Ziggy is “THE PERFECT HUNK”. And like a young Antony Armstrong-Jones he cuddles his Posh bird, aka Chanelle.

Ziggy pops open the champagne and kisses his lover on the head.

And we hear the buzz as the flash gun warms up once more…

Posted: 4th, September 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Big Brother’s Final Conflict: Good V Evil

amanda.jpgTHAT it should come to this, a choice between Brian and Samanda.
Brian has goodness on his side. Untainted by life and untouched by knowledge, Brian is the idiot savant, the innocent doing battle with the forces of undiluted evil.

Samanda – see how she multiplies! – is two.

Right bow Brian stands only a 5-1 chance of success. Not too shabby but he was hot favourite for so long. Hot favourite right up until the point Amanda fluttered her eyelids at him (and a hurricane hit Jamaica).

Now Brian is adrift and Samanda is 7/5. The hope for Brian is that Samanda splits the vote.

But they won’t. The suspicion is that rather than vote for one or the other the voting public will vote for both. The masses are undecided and unable to spot any difference between the two.

But the warriors are choosing their sides for the final conflict. Liam, Ziggy and Jonty are all discussing nominations in the house and all think Brian (“number six”) should win.

Carole looks over at the twins. They don’t move. Some say they never move. Some say they never blink. Some say they are old crones trapped in the bodies of two two blonde owls.

“Just enjoy it tomorrow. One of the best days of your life that will be,” says Carole, who has taken to speaking like a witch in Macbeth.

Says Carole: “They’re not voting you out so much, they’re voting you to win”.

Carole talks in riddles. And a nervous world waits…

Posted: 31st, August 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Big Brother Odds And Free Bet

IT looked so good for Brian for so long.

His clockwork walk, his self-mutilated hair and his “Shut uuuup!” retort to just about anything that shocked him (the Earth is round, EastEnders is a work of fiction, so too Romeo and Juliet) were endearing. Among a bad lot, Brian was the winner elect.

And then Amanda got to work on him. Dressed in her knickers and singlet she told him how lovely he was. She liked his sexy chin. She loved him.

And Brian glazed over. He was in love. Shut up!

And then after one kiss in the caravan, it was over. Amanda cooled the romance. Whenever Brian approached she went rigid. One step closer and snakes would emerge from her mouth or else she dissolve into a pile of sand and be sucked into the lounge by her sister’s breath.

Brian was Andrew McCarthy in Mannequin, albeit with a dummy that remained dumb and inanimate.

Brian was left high and dry and bereft of his spark.

And Amanda – oh, you know what’s coming. She became the show’s favourite to win. Such a nice girl Amanda, so easy to rub long with and not in the least bit manipulative.

Brian is now out to 6-1 to win the show. And Amanda is at 2.42, narrowly ahead of her gormless owl-faced sister on 2.44.

No-one should vote for them. But out of fear, we will…

Posted: 29th, August 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Big Brother Betting Odds And Free Bet

SAMANDA (Mark I and II) and Brian are dead certs to finish the show in the top four. All are 1-50 on. Past them there is Liam. About as complex as the wood he prunes, Liam would be happy if he were kicked out now. With £100,000 tucked in his canny pocket, and a duet with Ziggy on the way (you heard that here first), Liam will meet loadsa canny lasses and have a canny time. He’s 1.6 to finish in the lead quartet.

All that can stop Liam is Ziggy, who by rights should win the show. Ziggy entered the house some time in 2001 as a charmer to date all eleven women. He achieved this without lewdness, crudeness or embarrassment. He then managed to pull the better looking housemate. Sure his expression is careworn, his skin showing signs of acid peel fatigue, but he is a survivor. And at 2.56 for a top four spot, he’s worth a look.

Behind him is Jonty. At 10-1, Jonty is a bet too far. Intended to be Big Brother’s David Gest, the plug-headed former Mr Liza Minnelli who charmed us on I’m A Celebrity, Jonty has largely communicated by a series of bum trumpets and belches.

And then there is Carole who we are told needs to win because she lives in an upturned shopping basket in Hackney. This should have no bearing on her chances. Big Brother is all about what occurs in the house. At 17.5 on the markets, she will be next to leave (1.41), a canny lass pushing along a cart full of tin cans…

Free bet here 

Posted: 28th, August 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

An Interview With Big Brother’s Tracey Barnard

IT was a game of 14 weeks. Fair dos:

Posted: 27th, August 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Big Brother Tracey ‘Avin It In The Stack

BIG stack, littel stack, cardboard bed…

Posted: 27th, August 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0