Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
So begins the Star’s take on world news. “Shock vote sees babe return to take on Ziggy.”
What’s this? A vote that even Davina McCall didn’t yell about? Did Big Brother viewers vote at 50pence-a-minute o.n.o. to take Chanelle back in the house?
No. The vote is of the Star’s design. “SHOULD CHANELLE RETURN TO THE SHOW?” The paper asks the questions. Readers are afforded only two options: Yes and No.
We would plump for “maybe”, which would require a vote for yes and a one for no, or us not voting at all.
Chanelle is in limbo. And she’s in a black bikini with a hand placed over the cup of her right breast.
But we have seen enough. Amy has assured us that we have seen plenty. And Amy is up for the chop.
And if her career demands it, Amy will be very possibly be up for the scalpel and the airbag injection. Her talent are weighty but in the dog-eat-dog world of glamour modelling, Amy made need more.
And Kara-Louise has also been also nominated for eviction. We have one question to ask on this niiiiiice girl: what is your natural skin colour?
When she arrived in the BB compound, Kara-Louise was a deep sepia. Now, after a couple of weeks indoors, K-L is reduced to a sandy taupe. Kara-Louise is 6-1 to go. She won’t.
The only thing that remains constant in Kara-Louise’s teeth, which are of a whiteness Hitler and modern neo-Nazis only dream of.
The money must be on Amy to go. She will. She’s 1-7 on and so far every favourite for eviction has gone. The Betfair markets are the best barometer of the nation’s mood. Put your money where your mouth is.
Viewers don’t like Amy. Although Star readers might want to vote her back in…to a bikini…
Having admitted her failings and agreed to seek therapy, Charley is now in a “secret location” in Spain.
All the Star can reveal is that Charley Uchea is by a swimming pool. There is a green li-lo. She is wearing a blue and white striped bikini.
The paper would say more but there are dark forces at work. Charley is now the victim.
Victimhood is to be craved and cultivated by any wannabe celebrity. Charley might look like a hardnosed aggressor but she is in actual fact frail and open to misinterpretation.
Charley is the victim of death threats. She has been abused. Some members of the audience for Channel 4’s post-Big Brother the Friday Might Project tried to dislodge some of her hair extensions. The hair did not bite back. It too is cowed and victimised.
“It’s no shock she’s afraid to go home,” says a source. “A large number of the public hates her and some have been making their feelings clear with threats.”
These threats are not made specific. Right it is that these nasties are denied the oxygen of publicity.
We should focus on Charley. We can only hope that her pain does not become manifest in an eating disorder and bi-polarism.
Says a source: “She hopes that by going away on holiday for a few weeks it will give people a chance to calm down and forget what has happened.”
And if we must see her in a bikini, then so be it…
Ploys were tried. David was invited to pretend he was on I’m A Celebrity Get me Out Of Here and eat something disgusting. But he is not a celebrity and managed only to puke up most of his raw beef and jam delight.
Shanessa was invited to drink a pint of mayonnaise. She refused. The massage parlour worker didn’t even rub the stuff into the palms of her hands and command Big Brother to “relax”. Shanessa was no Kerry Katona showing the world her gag reflex.
And then she too like David was gone, thrown out of the house to a chorus of boos. The crowd has to boo. This is “pantomime” says Davina McCall, dressed like Widow Twanky. But the Endemol runners and production stuff are booing like they mean it. Placards are being held aloft in scenes not witnessed since the Danish embassy was besieged by Islamicists.
But it can’t save the show. Big Brother is trying to salvage it.
What can it try next? The Star says on its front page: “BB AXES TWINS.” Inside: “Big Bro Knifes Twins!”
Are these the morbid feelings evoked by Samanda? Grisly death. Murder. Don’t go into the cellar, Samanda. They scream. And now they scream some more. But no-one comes running. These are the girls who screamed wolf.
But this is not murder? It’s nothing of the sort. But certainly there is cruelty against Samanda. They have been nominated for the chop.
In “Show fixed to stop girls winning” we see the girls called to the Diary Room. Big Brother wants to know if they are two contestants or one. If treated as one, then votes for either mean nominations for both. If treated as two, then one of them must be up for eviction on Friday.
If you have lost the thread, do not trouble yourself. Just know that Big Brother has belatedly realised that selecting twins who get along means they never vote for each other. There is no evil twin. They are both just so very fluffy and pink.
Says Samanda: “We’d prefer to go up for nominations together than separately – I would never vote for Amanda and she would never vote for me. We prefer to be as one anyway.”
But Samanda will not go. Both are now in at 4-1 to win the show, tucked in behind solid favourite Brian, slightly out to 2-1.
And Carole will be up for the chop. Carole is now the kamp kommandant.
She cooks. But she shows no sign of being any good at it. Carole’s food is revolting. She wants to be house’s mother figure, but she is the kind of mother whose children don’t invite friends home, and certainly not to sample mum’s porridge.
Carole, whose figure engenders her with the appearance of a woman walking with her head stuffed though a 1950s seaside postcard, is less entertaining than understanding.
And who can understand the muddle and fudge that is this year’s Big Brother? Who wants to..?
Big Brother’s Charley Uchea is to undergo a course in anger management. This is stepping-stone on her path to celebrity, it being on the route to fame potholed by “rehab”, “bi-polar disorder” and “bullying”.
As the Mirror writes: “Charley has hired showbiz experts to help her forge a media career, and anger therapy is the first step.”
THE trickle of Jade Goody news goes on. Like a slurry of curry sauce sliding across the plate towards our virgin nan bread, Jade Goody re-renters our lives. The Sun says she’s investing her money in a beauty salon. A “pal” tells us: “She wants to invest what money she has left to secure her children’s future.” So she’s setting her two sons up with a chain of beauty parlours…
NOW Chanelle Hayes is famous, she is worried that secrets about her will leak out. So she’s telling the Star about them. “My secret abortion torment,” says the Star’s headline. And we read about the secret. And wonder if there is anything Chanelle will not share with us…
Shanessa lacks the bitchiness of Charley. Rowing is not her thing. So she settles upon the second route to stardom by displaying her primary sexual characteristics.
But we don’t want to see them. Those breasts. Those legs. Those buttocks. Shanessa gives the housemates her lapdance. A shock to we who saw lapdancing as way to keep fit. Shanessa looks about as fit as Noel Edmonds in a nylon thong.
Says Shanessa: “I’ve worked as an escort, worked in a massage parlour and know a couple of porn stars.”
She invites us: “I think I need to be told to shut up.” But Charley is not there to tell her. Charley has been vote out. Viewers had enough of her vile behaviour.
So Shanessa goes on. And now she’s in the halfwit house with David the Pagan, Kara-Louise the girl who cries with both barrels and Tracey.
Poor Tracey. The raver has been voted into the halfwit house because, as hero-martyr Ziggy – out to 59-1 to win – put it, she is made of strong stuff. The people outside the house will not boo her. They will blow whistles and vibrate to the music in their heads.
But Tracey will not go. She’s 7-1 to finish the show in the top 4 and it’s worth a bet.
David will go. David is 529-1. These are the longest odds to win the show this season. You can get 150-1 on Shanessa playing prop forward for Wales in the World Cup final.
Which on the face of it looks like a decent punt…
JADE Goody is in the Sun. She has spent seven hours getting blonde hair extensions tethered to her scalp. She wears black-rimmed glasses. But the disguise isn’t working…
YOU put a housemate in. A housemate out. You put a housemate in. You shake Shanessa all about.
You dash to the Diary Room and let the tears flood out and then we start all over again…
Right now we have Kara-Louise who wears a puffball skirt. These went out in 1982, about the same time yuppies and the upwardly mobile stopped giving their children double-barrelled first names and began naming them Angel, Apple and Armani. The brand became all.
Kara-Louise is 199-1 to win the show. She has no chance. Indeed, with her two first names she has barely half a chance.
And then there is David. He wore interesting eye make-up when he entered the house. He looked edgy with his kilt. He is sadly no more likeable than Seány (remember him yet?). Liam and Ziggy have taken an instant dislike to him. David looks not unlike Charles Gray, the actor who played Blofeld in Diamonds Are Forever.
If David is looking for someone to play the part of his white cat, to sit on his lap and be up for a stroke, Gerry seems very available.
And then there is Shanessa. She arrived wearing an outfit rarely seen away from the end of the pier during summer matinee season. Shanessa tells the world that she looks “dirty”.
If readers of the Daily Sport vote on Big Brother, Shanessa might win. But they don’t. They are too busy using the phone to call premium rate chatlines to speak with women who look like Shanessa. She’s out to 269-1 to win.
But she might come in if she can pull Brian, a job akin to shooting cooking apples in jam jar with a blunderbuss.
If he goes to Shanessa, Brian will no longer be favourite (he’s 5-7 to win). Anorak suggests taking bet on Liam at a sold 9-2.
At the moment he’s out. But he’s bound to come in. Once he stops shaking it all about with Amy…
Take them all with Anorak’s Free bet.
BIG Brother greyhound hare Charley Uchea says that for three year’s she’s been working on a book. And one day in the not too distant future she hopes to finish it and get another one out the library, and pay of the overdue book fine…
Were Shanessa, Jonty or Amy fans of Chanelle we would surely fear for Ziggy’s safety. But they are not. And it remains to be seen how Chanelle’s fans intend to get at the former boybander.
And there is the oddness that Chanelle has fans. And are her fans also fans of Victoria Beckham? And is Victoria Beckham now a fan to Chanelle’s? Is she going to get Ziggy, offing him with a deadly blow from a shopping bag or Day-vid’s Alice band?
And might it be that now Ziggy’s on the Halfwit house he would welcome sweet, glorious death. Anything but a lapdance from Shanessa.
And what is it with lapdancers from horrorshow girls?
Ziggy may yet fall upon his own sword. Or Amy…
“ZIGGY humiliated me on national TV,” says Chanelle Hayes in the Star. “I couldn’t take any more.”
“He treated me like sh*t and made me look an idiot. I can’t live in the same house as him. I’ve made a fool of myself.”
So Chanelle flounces out. And into a lad’s mage dressed in a thong and whipped cream.
And Ziggy goes into the halfway house.
Reading from a set of instructions immediately after his entrance into the main house, David announces: “Please welcome your new housemates David and Kara-Louise. But there is a price to pay for their arrival.
“To make room, one of you must leave the Big Brother house. Housemates, you will decide which one of you this is. The person you choose will immediately…move into the halfway house as a halfway housemate. There is no guarantee that they will ever return to the main Big Brother house.”
Ziggy is desperate to look like the good guy. He falls on his sword and offers himself up for relocation. “Actually, you know what? I’d like to take it…I’ll do it, seriously. Seriously…choose me,” says he. Adding: “I feel better ‘cos of what’s happened today and…maybe it’s better for me.”
Ziggy is guilty of caddish behaviour and must go, or so he thinks. But he’s no cad. All Ziggy did was have a summer fling and then find himself living with the girl.
And now he’s doing his penance. And he is in a halfway house with:
Jonty: Oh dear. Jonty looks like the type of man who might be found in a real halfway house, or on sprawling housing estate watching Hollyoaks in the City with a sweaty finger on the pause button.
Amy: So much less then the sum of her tight shorts and cleavage. Amy is a glamour model by trade. She revealed this to Liam, whose eyes lit up as if someone had shoved a 20watt love wand in his ears.
Shanessa: “I’m 27 and never been kissed,” says Shanella. Why, because it’s extra?
This is Ziggy’s burden. And this is Chanelle laughing and then wondering what Victoria Beckham would do…
Who will win? Only you. Get your free Anorak bet here…
ZIGGY must be overjoyed. That voice! Like a Flump on Prozac. Goodbye Chanelle. Goodbye… Goodbye…
DAVID: likeable. Twinkling eyes. Cuboid.
Kara-Louise: Double-barrelled first names. Sad. Once you get past her name has no conversation.
Bring back Charley!
FETCH the magic sponge. Fetch two. Hell, dredge the Great Barrier reef and call Paul Daniels. As the Star’s front-page headline screams: “BIG BRUV CHARLEY: I BEDDED PREM STAR.”
Furtive looks in the summer training camp as Gary looks to Jermaine looks to Smudger. “Was that Charley?” they wonder, recalling a trip to a toilet in an Essex nightclub.
Charley is all over the Star like a wannabe over a, well, a footballer in a nightclub. Charley says “all hell would beak lose” if the name of her conquest were to slip out.
So she gives us a clue: “He is in the Premiership and he is good looking and fit and we had a thing. It all had to be kept quiet… We met in secret for sex.”
Charley, it should not be forgotten, thinks she is gorgeous. For sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but unkind voices suggest Charley invests some money in laser surgery and cataract removal.
Although in the land of the delusional, the one-eyed woman is queen.
THERE are it seems some rather concerning and amusing stories in this morning’s Sundays. According to the Sunday Telegraph, Gordon Brown has decided to cut £50 million from drug treatment programmes in the forthcoming Comprehensive Spending Review.
Now some will say that it is Darling that is Chancellor, but the cynic amongst many of us will know that really means Brown. Meanwhile the Independent on Sunday has a whistleblower story about the NHS, with one of Britain’s most senior surgeons saying there is a bed crisis for trauma patients.
The BBC finds itself hit twice in the Mail on Sunday which alleged that the BBC entrapped someone by offering them £40,000 for some children in a human smuggling scandal in Bulgaria. At the same time it is expressing outrage that the bleeding obvious fake caravan fire in Top Gear was… errr… faked.
Michael Portillo in the Sunday Times has an interesting piece, which, if you can get past his constant slagging of the Tories, suggests Brown should scrap ID Cards and it would be a sign of his strength. Also in the same paper, Bryan Appleyard has a brilliant piece about the “Web 2.0” world and the creation fo notorious nobodies (also known as web celebrities).
My one criticism as ever is this belief that Web 2.0 is actually different to Web 1.0, it isn’t, apart from the fact that a technically illiterate person can now easily publish online. There were many web celebrities before the easy publishing systems – Jay Stile springs to mind even if his sites are, shall we say, decidedly adult.
Finally, on a purely political point, David Davis, has weighed in with support for David Cameron, telling the Sunday Telegraph that “David has passed his first test. Now the party must pass its first test, and that is a test of discipline.”
He’s absolutely right too. Whilst there have been some tactical errors in the past few weeks, and the “Brown Bounce” is suddenly surprising people who were openly acknowledging it would happen before it did, it’s not a time to start blinking and talking about patricide.
Loveable, friendly, single mum Shanessa is a free spirit. When she’s not working as a care assistant, she’s happy at home in her pyjamas. She says she’s different, forward and not afraid to ask questions – she’s happy with who she is, except for always being on a diet. Doesn’t care about politics and her dream job would be a bunny girl at the Playboy mansion.
Likes: Sex, hair extensions, squeezing spots, ‘Sex And The City’.
Dislikes: Heights, ‘horrible things on TV’ and rats.
Why BB? She’s a huge fan and wants to give people something different and strange.
She once took revenge on a cheating ex by piercing his ears while he slept.
Job: Visual Manager
David is a spiritual thinker and is passionate about nature. He believes that ”man is a parasite on earth, resulting in the tragic rape of our planet,” and practices white witchcraft. He describes his style as eclectic and eccentric and says that fashion is an expression of personality as well as an extension of it. David’s ultimate ambition is to be a stylist working on fashion shoots in London or New York. He makes friends easily and is dynamic, open minded and accepting but can be “a touch overbearing, with a big ego”.
First Words: (admidst screaming and hugs) “I can’t believe I’m here with youse.”
First Words: (admidst screaming and hugs) “I can’t believe I’m here with youse.”
Life Philosophy: “Dance like nobody is watching.”
Likes: Family, green issues, socialising and reading.
Dislikes:People who drop litter, “awful hair extensions and cheap shoes.”
Why BB?: For money.
Amy is a tee-total country girl who’s not the typical glamour model type. She feels strongly about being confident in the person you are. One of her idols is Oscar Wilde and if he was alive she would like to meet him to discuss his theory of ‘bunburyrism’. Amy is already doing her dream job but would eventually like to become a TV presenter and is very ambitious. She says her sense of humour is her best trait and she finds herself laughing at everything. Her friends would describe her as “messy, smelly, gorgeous and a bit sexy.”
Life philosophy: Believes in fate and that everything happens for a reason.
Likes: Horse riding, shopping, hip-hop and R&B.
Dislikes: Politics, failing, alcohol.
Why BB? To use it as a platform to bring her more glamour work.
Amy: “My best feature is probably my boobs but I don’t want to be a cliche, so I’ll say my eyes are better.”
Jonty is a self-confessed teddy bear obsessive and Dr Who super fan. The 36-year-old serial studier is a cunning linguist, speaking an impressive eight languages. He claims he’s something of a wind-up merchant and is expecting to be nominated by 100 per cent of housemates.
Life philosophy: Believes very strongly in democracy and tolerance.
Likes: Teddy bears, Doctor Who, politics, cats.
Why BB? To have a break from reality. “But winning isn’t an option, I’m sure.”
Also collects coins. The Londoner once set up his University’s biggest club — The Doctor Who Society.
ZIGGY is very fond of Chanelle.
Readers of a certain vintage will recall The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 ¾and the part where the teenage Adrian learns that his mother Pauline is “very fond” of him.
People are fond of inanimate objects, like shoes and a favourite tie. Ziggy is fond of Chanelle.
This would not be so damning if we had not seen Ziggy professing undying love for his pet dog Molly.
Anorak professes little love for animal kind, unless they are rescuing us or flame grilled and smeared in a rich pepper sauce.
But there is a suspicion that in letting Molly lick his face and shedding a tear when they were parted by circumstances beyond their control (insert Lara’s Theme here), Ziggy wooed many Big Brother watches. Sat at home with an animal on their laps or handbags, these people identified Ziggy as one of their own.
Although Ziggy’s new fanbase has yet to influence the betting market with his odds on winning becalmed on 49-1.
If only Chanelle were covered in fur then maybe Ziggy would love her. A fur ball Chanelle would need to depilate fast. It would give her something to do instead of whiiiiining.
Chanelle has been sat on the Diary Room chair telling Big Brother that she was prepared to walk out of the house. She wants to go. She demands to go. “Leeeet meeee goooooo!” And how we will Big Brother to say “OK” ping open the door and let her free. No goodbyes. No shoes. No chance to lick Ziggy’s face.
Chanelle’s moaaaaning seems to have has influenced the market with her price to win in to 7-1.
But tonight she in for a shock. Charley will leave. This is certain. She is 1-50 on. The shock will be the arrival of six new housemates.
And they might not all be human…
Right now, Chanelle is going head-to-head with her idol to see which of them can achieve the most media coverage. Anorak has been keeping a running tally and thanks to Chanelle’s meltdown in the Dairy Room she is now in the lead by the length of a Penelope Cruz eyelash. It’s a significant gap but if Posh can dig out a new dress she may well regain the lead.
But before that, there more news of Chanelle. The Star delivers its bulletin in bald terms:” CHANELLE: BB FEARS FOR HER SANITY.”
Chanelle is going mad. She is being driven mad by Charley Uchea (favourite to leave with Anorak’s free bet), who arrived in the house with the distinct advantage of being bonkers already.
“I want to go home,” says Chanelle in the Diary Room. “I just can’t take it any more. Charley’s making my life hell.” “Chanhell,” says the Mirror.
The Sun says Chanelle is “highly strung”. It’s a pun on her violin playing.
The housemates were invited to showcase their talent, the one they had mentioned on their Big Brother CVs.
Liam played the piano. Brian rapped. “I can sing, dance and I can style onions,” said Carole. She then sang a version of Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin. No onions were hurt in the recording but there was barely a dry eye in the house.
And then Chanelle was invited to play the violin. But she didn’t want to. Such was the length of Chanelle’s hissy fit at being asked to do what she claimed many wondered if she had embellished her resume a little.
Many have. Most of us add an extra GCSE or, as one Anorak writer did, include a sections on how they had won a gold medal with the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme, featuring a canoe hewn from a felled tree and a plumbing a well in the Gobi desert.
Who would dare to claim to play the violin? Only a fool. So here was Chanelle in a tizz. She would go home if they made her play. She would walk. Anything but that she wailed.
“I can’t do it,” says Chanelle to Big Brother. “I’m scared.” Words that resonated with the viewers. There is only on instrument more terrible than a badly played violin and that is the recorder. Tracey looks like she can belt out a tune on one, while dressed in a jester’s hat and leading the rats out of the stack. But she was a judge on the Big Brother talent show and so bereft of all talent.
This was Chanelle’s moment. And having played up, she played on. She picked up the violin. She scratched out Spring from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. Good show, although she never seemed to escape April and its drizzle showers as she contorted her face and wept.
But Chanelle knows her strengths. And from a ruined C string, she pulled up her skirt and showed musos her impressive G string. Eat yer heart out Nigel Kennedy.
“AT last Charley’s getting the boot.” That’s what the Sun says. That’s what the Betfair punters say, with Charley now 1-33 on to be the sixth housemate evicted from the Big Brother house.
Charley’s imminent eviction and appearance on the pages on Nuts magazine, a beach in Marbella and in a Manchester United sweatband (around her chest) will allow some of the other housemates to shine.
Chanelle may even begin to sparkle. She showed signs of a personality when rowing with Charley. We urged Chanelle on. Sure he sounded like Jane Horrocks in Little Voice, a sheepish bleat in the face of Charley’s barking madness, but she tried.
But then she failed. Never apologise. No need to be the better person, the bigger person. Chanelle had gone to down to Charley’s level. And that is not a good place to be.
Chanelle is ashamed and contrite. She wants to apologise to Charley. But she should not. She should ride it out stick by what she has said. But Chanelle is 19. She listens to Samdana, who does an impression of Jimmy Tarbuck and tells her that she should tell Charley she “agrees to disagree”.
But who is not willing Chanelle to put the boot it, to say “tatty-bye” to Charley? But Chanelle does not remind Charley that when she’s back home on Friday night she can give her hair some exercise. “Look on the bright side, Charley,” we want her to say, “you can make that vet’s appointment now.”
But the words do not some. Chanelle misses her chance. But she wills till wave goodbye to Charmless Charley on Friday night.
Charley will go. And we will forget her soon enough. We will forget her because on Friday Big Brother will answer our prayers and parachute six new housemates into the show.
This makes betting on who will win too hard. Better you bet against Brian winning. Laying a bet means you are betting on something not to happen – a match not to end in a draw, a horse not to come in first, a rugby team not to win by over 7 pts etc.
You could lay favourite to win Brian at 5-6. Or lay Gerry to finish in the top four at 15-8.
And wonder what price Charley that will be placed back in the house…
Hurray! Hurray! We got it right…again. Pile in on Charley. She;s 1-25 on. Take the bet before it shrinks. Win easy money. Here.
It’ll be Tracey’s third time in the firing line and Charley’s second – Charley was allowed back into the House as part of Fake Week.
Immediately after the duo’s great mate, Nicky, was evicted last week, Tracey went to the Diary Room to make an uncanny prediction.
“There’s a little group called The Girly Group. Nicky leaving won’t affect them at all. It will affect me and Charley, the most to be honest,” Tracey commented. “It will make me and Charley more distant from that lot.”
Goodbye Charley. Goodbye…
“I FEAR for her,” says Debbie McBratey of Tracey Barnard in the Star.
Debbie has known Big Brother’s raver for years. Says she: “Drugs do destroy your life, but no only her mum and dad’s, her nieces’, her nephews’. And they all think the world of her.”
Yes, that’s right. It’s the worst thing that can happen to a parent. You wake up and you ask yourself where you went wrong. Was it our fault she turned out as she did? Did we drive her to it? Why did Debbie have to become a Special Constable.
“She got into raves,” says Debbie and that is her life now. “Raving is not for me. I am not into drugs.”
No. Because drugs can make you do crazy thing like dressing up and obeying strange voices. They can make you pull on silly hats and find you walking in a dimly lit park at 11pm.
Don’t do it. Just say no. Run!
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