Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Amy is a tee-total country girl who’s not the typical glamour model type. She feels strongly about being confident in the person you are. One of her idols is Oscar Wilde and if he was alive she would like to meet him to discuss his theory of ‘bunburyrism’. Amy is already doing her dream job but would eventually like to become a TV presenter and is very ambitious. She says her sense of humour is her best trait and she finds herself laughing at everything. Her friends would describe her as “messy, smelly, gorgeous and a bit sexy.”
Life philosophy: Believes in fate and that everything happens for a reason.
Likes: Horse riding, shopping, hip-hop and R&B.
Dislikes: Politics, failing, alcohol.
Why BB? To use it as a platform to bring her more glamour work.
Amy: “My best feature is probably my boobs but I don’t want to be a cliche, so I’ll say my eyes are better.”
Jonty is a self-confessed teddy bear obsessive and Dr Who super fan. The 36-year-old serial studier is a cunning linguist, speaking an impressive eight languages. He claims he’s something of a wind-up merchant and is expecting to be nominated by 100 per cent of housemates.
Life philosophy: Believes very strongly in democracy and tolerance.
Likes: Teddy bears, Doctor Who, politics, cats.
Why BB? To have a break from reality. “But winning isn’t an option, I’m sure.”
Also collects coins. The Londoner once set up his University’s biggest club — The Doctor Who Society.
Kara-Louise is a 22-year-old student. She describes herself as an “extremely gorgeous and exceedingly bright young girl with personality to spare.” She thinks she is a good balance between beauty and brains, however her mum thinks she can come across as snooty. Her dream job is to be a journalist and she would like to travel. She is also an obsessive cleaner, hates mess and will probably be cleaning all the time in the House as well as taking control of the cooking.
Life Philosophy: Smiles a lot – is giggly because she’s happy.
Likes: Cleaning, going to gigs, fashion and getting noticed.
Dislikes: Common people, self-centered morons, reading, computer games.
Why BB?: Hopes to find love in the House.
She thinks she looks like pop diva Mariah Carey and wants to be reincarnated as Egyptian Queen Cleopatra.
ZIGGY is very fond of Chanelle.
Readers of a certain vintage will recall The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 ¾and the part where the teenage Adrian learns that his mother Pauline is “very fond” of him.
People are fond of inanimate objects, like shoes and a favourite tie. Ziggy is fond of Chanelle.
This would not be so damning if we had not seen Ziggy professing undying love for his pet dog Molly.
Anorak professes little love for animal kind, unless they are rescuing us or flame grilled and smeared in a rich pepper sauce.
But there is a suspicion that in letting Molly lick his face and shedding a tear when they were parted by circumstances beyond their control (insert Lara’s Theme here), Ziggy wooed many Big Brother watches. Sat at home with an animal on their laps or handbags, these people identified Ziggy as one of their own.
Although Ziggy’s new fanbase has yet to influence the betting market with his odds on winning becalmed on 49-1.
If only Chanelle were covered in fur then maybe Ziggy would love her. A fur ball Chanelle would need to depilate fast. It would give her something to do instead of whiiiiining.
Chanelle has been sat on the Diary Room chair telling Big Brother that she was prepared to walk out of the house. She wants to go. She demands to go. “Leeeet meeee goooooo!” And how we will Big Brother to say “OK” ping open the door and let her free. No goodbyes. No shoes. No chance to lick Ziggy’s face.
Chanelle’s moaaaaning seems to have has influenced the market with her price to win in to 7-1.
But tonight she in for a shock. Charley will leave. This is certain. She is 1-50 on. The shock will be the arrival of six new housemates.
And they might not all be human…
Right now, Chanelle is going head-to-head with her idol to see which of them can achieve the most media coverage. Anorak has been keeping a running tally and thanks to Chanelle’s meltdown in the Dairy Room she is now in the lead by the length of a Penelope Cruz eyelash. It’s a significant gap but if Posh can dig out a new dress she may well regain the lead.
But before that, there more news of Chanelle. The Star delivers its bulletin in bald terms:” CHANELLE: BB FEARS FOR HER SANITY.”
Chanelle is going mad. She is being driven mad by Charley Uchea (favourite to leave with Anorak’s free bet), who arrived in the house with the distinct advantage of being bonkers already.
“I want to go home,” says Chanelle in the Diary Room. “I just can’t take it any more. Charley’s making my life hell.” “Chanhell,” says the Mirror.
The Sun says Chanelle is “highly strung”. It’s a pun on her violin playing.
The housemates were invited to showcase their talent, the one they had mentioned on their Big Brother CVs.
Liam played the piano. Brian rapped. “I can sing, dance and I can style onions,” said Carole. She then sang a version of Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin. No onions were hurt in the recording but there was barely a dry eye in the house.
And then Chanelle was invited to play the violin. But she didn’t want to. Such was the length of Chanelle’s hissy fit at being asked to do what she claimed many wondered if she had embellished her resume a little.
Many have. Most of us add an extra GCSE or, as one Anorak writer did, include a sections on how they had won a gold medal with the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme, featuring a canoe hewn from a felled tree and a plumbing a well in the Gobi desert.
Who would dare to claim to play the violin? Only a fool. So here was Chanelle in a tizz. She would go home if they made her play. She would walk. Anything but that she wailed.
“I can’t do it,” says Chanelle to Big Brother. “I’m scared.” Words that resonated with the viewers. There is only on instrument more terrible than a badly played violin and that is the recorder. Tracey looks like she can belt out a tune on one, while dressed in a jester’s hat and leading the rats out of the stack. But she was a judge on the Big Brother talent show and so bereft of all talent.
This was Chanelle’s moment. And having played up, she played on. She picked up the violin. She scratched out Spring from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. Good show, although she never seemed to escape April and its drizzle showers as she contorted her face and wept.
But Chanelle knows her strengths. And from a ruined C string, she pulled up her skirt and showed musos her impressive G string. Eat yer heart out Nigel Kennedy.
“AT last Charley’s getting the boot.” That’s what the Sun says. That’s what the Betfair punters say, with Charley now 1-33 on to be the sixth housemate evicted from the Big Brother house.
Charley’s imminent eviction and appearance on the pages on Nuts magazine, a beach in Marbella and in a Manchester United sweatband (around her chest) will allow some of the other housemates to shine.
Chanelle may even begin to sparkle. She showed signs of a personality when rowing with Charley. We urged Chanelle on. Sure he sounded like Jane Horrocks in Little Voice, a sheepish bleat in the face of Charley’s barking madness, but she tried.
But then she failed. Never apologise. No need to be the better person, the bigger person. Chanelle had gone to down to Charley’s level. And that is not a good place to be.
Chanelle is ashamed and contrite. She wants to apologise to Charley. But she should not. She should ride it out stick by what she has said. But Chanelle is 19. She listens to Samdana, who does an impression of Jimmy Tarbuck and tells her that she should tell Charley she “agrees to disagree”.
But who is not willing Chanelle to put the boot it, to say “tatty-bye” to Charley? But Chanelle does not remind Charley that when she’s back home on Friday night she can give her hair some exercise. “Look on the bright side, Charley,” we want her to say, “you can make that vet’s appointment now.”
But the words do not some. Chanelle misses her chance. But she wills till wave goodbye to Charmless Charley on Friday night.
Charley will go. And we will forget her soon enough. We will forget her because on Friday Big Brother will answer our prayers and parachute six new housemates into the show.
This makes betting on who will win too hard. Better you bet against Brian winning. Laying a bet means you are betting on something not to happen – a match not to end in a draw, a horse not to come in first, a rugby team not to win by over 7 pts etc.
You could lay favourite to win Brian at 5-6. Or lay Gerry to finish in the top four at 15-8.
And wonder what price Charley that will be placed back in the house…
Hurray! Hurray! We got it right…again. Pile in on Charley. She;s 1-25 on. Take the bet before it shrinks. Win easy money. Here.
It’ll be Tracey’s third time in the firing line and Charley’s second – Charley was allowed back into the House as part of Fake Week.
Immediately after the duo’s great mate, Nicky, was evicted last week, Tracey went to the Diary Room to make an uncanny prediction.
“There’s a little group called The Girly Group. Nicky leaving won’t affect them at all. It will affect me and Charley, the most to be honest,” Tracey commented. “It will make me and Charley more distant from that lot.”
Goodbye Charley. Goodbye…
“I FEAR for her,” says Debbie McBratey of Tracey Barnard in the Star.
Debbie has known Big Brother’s raver for years. Says she: “Drugs do destroy your life, but no only her mum and dad’s, her nieces’, her nephews’. And they all think the world of her.”
Yes, that’s right. It’s the worst thing that can happen to a parent. You wake up and you ask yourself where you went wrong. Was it our fault she turned out as she did? Did we drive her to it? Why did Debbie have to become a Special Constable.
“She got into raves,” says Debbie and that is her life now. “Raving is not for me. I am not into drugs.”
No. Because drugs can make you do crazy thing like dressing up and obeying strange voices. They can make you pull on silly hats and find you walking in a dimly lit park at 11pm.
Don’t do it. Just say no. Run!
Get your FREE £10 bet here – and help pay for Anorak
HAVING cracked America, Danielle Lloyd is in Blackpool. They are a tough crowd at the Lancashire resort and it may take two bikinis and a deeper tan to win them over.
Wearing blue jeans and yellow hair rarely seen this side of a shop window, Danielle walks with the Star on the golden sands.
She’s pictured with a donkey called Bluebell. Can he play football? Or is it just a holiday fling?
And which way’s Skegness?
What to do? “Women and children first,” goes the cry. But where does that leave Ziggy? Save yourselves. Don’t go back for anything. But Tracey is trying to keep her head above water and her roly dry. In her mind when the burning embers fizzle out so too will the buzz.
But Tracey won’t make it. She’s drifting and out to 159-1 to win the show. Bon voyage, Tracey. Have a good trip.
Gerry, back in to 22-1, saves his monkey; Carole, a generous 39-1, brings soap (if they are to be wet, they might as well be clean); Chanelle rescues the hair straigteners (possibly still plugged in); and Samanda rubs her temples and makes the waters part. Wood enthusiast Liam becalmed at 7-1, just floats.
But will help come? There are questions in the House.
Oliver Heald, conservative MP for North East Herts, says: “It is farcical that the Government only knows of one significant flood in 2002. I have had my constituents forced out of their homes from flooding and the Government is paying no attention.
“I have tabled more questions to ask what on earth they consider temporary high water conditions are if not a flood.
“I will be campaigning even more vigorously now for better flood protection for the residents of Hertfordshire. I shall make sure this Government takes flooding in Herts more seriously.”
And into the house, Big Brother introduces a dog. She’s called Molly. She is not a rescue dog. She is Ziggy’s Shar Pei.
Seeing how Ziggy operates with females, he will allow Molly to lick his face and then tell her “It’s not you, it’s me” before setting her free on the hard shoulder. He will then shout “Here girl!” and make her come running back to him.
“It’s so good to see you my baby,” says Ziggy, out to 59-1, as he meets pet in the Dairy Room. “I’ve missed you so much.”
He tells Chanelle: “I miss her. I sleep with her every night. She’s amazing. She’s the most beautiful dog.”
And we get an insight into Ziggy’s relationship with Chanelle: she is something warm to cuddle up with at night.
And Chanelle opens her big brown eyes, presses her wet nose and pleads for love…
Small odds, indeed, that in her first performance she will play an Indian woman abused by a gang of white girls.
Goody has paid £2,400 for 12 weeks at New York’s famous Lee Strasberg school.
“I’m going to acting school in New York,” says Jade in Closer magazine, “and I’ve got producers in LA with a role for me.”
Is Jade to play the part of Rebecca Loos or Her Poshness in The Feckhams, the made for TV biopic on Los Angeles’ greatest living soccer player?
She’s not telling. For now, Jade is content to learn her craft. In “Goodyfellas” the Sun says Jade is to study at the same venue where Robert De Niro trained.
“You lookin’ at me?” she asks with meaning. “Well, then wot the fuck you lookin’ at?!”
CHARLEY must have very big lungs.
If it wasn’t for her smoking and the need to expel all air, Charley would by now have taken just two breaths.
Gerry (22-1 to win) says Charley (out to 99-1) has a “poosnous tong”. She has. She is foul.
And she is crying. Charley is in the Diary Room. She has said that Gerry conducts illegal acts of a sexual nature with underage boys.
Gerry is offended. And Charley is crying. She has been found out. Like all bullies, Charley cannot take being exposed. So she cries.
She then goes into the house and cries some more. One of the Midwich Cuckoos comes over and strokes her hand. Tracey says something about Charley being phat. She cries some more.
She then goes into the garden and pulls her face into the mirror, the one Sonia on EastEnders uses when telling Martin about her coursework.
And Charley goes into the house. And with her victim status established, tells Brian: “With Gerry, I don’t feel like I can join in with the conversation ’cause it’s nothing that revolves me. I’m not being horrible, ’cause he’s a nice guy, but he’s so uninteresting that Carole even forgot she gave him a dinner! Now that’s deep.”
She is, of course, being horrible. Being horrible is what makes Charley the celebrity she hopes to be. She then tells Liam that you “can’t relate to him”.
But neither Brian nor Liam point out to Charley that she has argued with them. She has argued with everyone. But no-one tells her. No-one can be bothered. If they ignore her she will go away. If they nominate her and we vote for her, it will all be over.
So they remain quiet. Charley is the annoying, antagonistic voice on the forums, the one who spoils every conversation with gratuitous and offensive comments. Go away, we hope. Please go away. If we don’t talk to them, they will leave.
Like the website Forum spoiler, Charley seeks out a row to validate her existence. She wants to be noticed.
But who would look twice? Her comments on being gorgeous are delusional. She is wholly unexceptional.
And she is on her way out. Look for Charley to go. She will not win, not know she has overstepped the mark. She has no chance. Phat chance…
We want to agree. But we can’t. Nicky is miserable. She’s good looking but a smear of heavy eyeliner and a look into her eyes and she mutates into Max Wall.
Nicky is a miserabilist. That monotone voice. She’s channelling Ken Livingstone.
But she is missed by some. “It’s really sad, I’m proper gutted,” says Tracey in the Diary Room. It’s un-phat. Tracey is shedding tears. “She’ll be sadly missed by me. Definitely. She’ll watch us now.”
Tracy says she will miss Nicky’s chats. Tracy is, of course, a cheesy quaver and may miss those long heart-to-hearts in the stack, the droney comedown conversations. Perhaps Nicky reminds her of those times.
“I was proper surprised,” says Tracy of Nicky’s eviction. “I liked her so much so you don’t wanna think otherwise. It’s hard to watch someone leave. It’s a big loss ‘cos we had chats together and I won’t have that anymore. I won’t see her smile, her laugh, her ways.”
Her smile? Her laugh? Are those herbal cigarettes getting to Tracey? Can basil alter the mind and create false memories?
With Nicky gone, the betting is that Tracy will be next to leave. Anorak says take the bet. At 12-5, Tracy represents decent money. And with one of her friends gone, she will be nominated and very likely up for eviction.
She will probably face Charley, 4-5 favourite to be the sixth eviction. She has to go. Unless, of course, Big Brother does what we all crave and introduce a new housemate.
Charley is the show’s leading light. Hateful, mean, vindictive, argumentative but nonetheless likeable, or at least hard to despise, Charley is the show’s star. And the won we will miss should she go…
NICKY has “no friends”.
The Mirror makes it its business to publicise this truth. In “NICKY NO MATES”, readers learn that Nicky has no friends and will be voted out of the house tonight.
One punter has put £32,000 on Nicky being evicted tonight. On Betfair Nicky is 1.01 – 100-1 on – to go. This big punter stands to win £320 pounds.
We have no wish to cast aspersions on the character or mental ability of this gambler, but if Anorak were to engage in such a bet, it would be because it had illicit funds to wash or played football for West Ham United.
Nicky is not going to win Big Brother. You can get 509-1 on Nicky taking the £110,000 first prize. You can also make bets on Victoria Beckham hitting a note, Jordan sleeping on her front and an incontinent bear walking about the Vatican with a sheet of toilet paper.
The only reason to make this bet is to get our hands on Anorak’s free £10.
Sign up to Betfair here. Put £10 (plus an additional 15p for credit card handling charge) in your account. Bet the £10 on Nicky to be evicted. Get you ten pounds back with a small profit.
And then receive another tenner FREE. You win!
You can then take the tenner from your account, leaving the free money there to carry in betting.
Make the bet.
Sure he walks like a clockwork toy soldier. And since his Bucher Boy haircut there is something of the Forrest Gump about him, that part of the film where our hero runs in his leg braces.
But Brian (4-9 favourite to be the show’s top male) is smart.
He has been heard to utter the word “bourgeois”. He said “bohemian”. One reporter talks of “niche”.
Brian is no fool. Essex FM is the fool. As reported on Anorak, the station has begun a campaign to get Brian evicted from the Big Brother house. Essex FM says Brian is so thick he shows Essex in a bad light.
Brian’s mum Sue Smith believes he is simply playing the game. “He’s being portrayed as the Essex idiot but he’s not thick,” says Sue. “It’s just a game show and he’s playing it. He is clever.”
Brian’s aunt Rhona says: “He’s a genuinely nice lad. It’s a disgrace a radio show would be so disrespectful.”
Yeah. Show some R.E.S.P.C.T. “I’m going to be glamorous. G.L.A.M.O.R.S,” says Brain.
And then see the other Brian. The gangly boy with the straight-legged walk as if he’s been hit on the head by a cartoon hammer. In a cartoon, there would be sparrows twittering about Brian’s head.
But some wonder if Brian wetted himself on purpose to win the money? Or is he in some ways challenged?
Or maybe he’s just content and able to be himself. He wees. He cries. He starts a conversation by saying “Shut up!”
This is Brian. As Tracy says – and this is all she says – “Deal with it”.
(Do you remember Tracey, the raver who is ‘avin it in the stack? Yesterday she pulled on a clown’s head mask, a high rubber brow with day-glo shards of foam stuck out the top. This is very possibly Tracey’s headgear of first choice, the next best thing to a jester’s hat. But still she didn’t say much, or do much. Tracey is a disappointment. We were looking for Normski in his pomp but got Tony Adams after he’d come off the booze and cleaned up his act. This is reflected in Tracey’s odds on winning – she’s out to 89-1)
Brain is wearing a black top hat and a black suit. He looks like he should be trying to kill James Bond or recording a duet with Grace Jones.
He might be. Or he might be trying to work out how to walk and talk at the same time.
To less enlightened minds this sounds not unlike prostitution. It is not. It is entertainment. It is Big Brother. And, as the Star reports on its front page, £1million is lying prone on the table.
But not this table. Not the table marked “dinner”. Big Brother will be on our screens until 2010.The show’s owners have just singed a three-year-deal to remain at the Elstree TV studios.
It will go out with bang, says the Star. Or as the show’s spokesman tells the paper, the planning permission is “being finalised”.
That’s the best thing about Big Brother: the normality. The show always works best when the housemates are left to get on with it in a confined space.
But the Star wants more. It says Charley (“I’ll have a stab”) and Chanelle (“Big Bedder”) will do whatever it takes for the million.
Only there is no big money prize. The Star says there might be in Big Brother 11, when all former winners return to fight it out. Which means Charley will not only have to win this show but “bitch, bonk and backstab” for the next three years. Ever she may run out of impetus.
But Charley, as this year’s winner designate, she will compete against past Big Brother champions. The show’s first winner, Craig Phillips, has not drowned in his own saliva and will lead the likes of Brian Dowling, Cameron Stout (?), Nadia Almada, Anthony Hutton and Pete Bennett into the house.
They will be joined by Celebrity Big Brother winners Jack Dee, Mark Owen, Bez, Chantelle Houghton and Shilpa Shetty.
For reasons unspecified, the Star also finds room in the compound for Jade Goody. She has done well from the show, carving out a tasty career from the unpromising raw ingredient of soggy kebabs and bile.
Perhaps the plan is to seal the house with the winners within, a kind of Tomb of Our Time, a lasting landmark to celebrity?
And we can’t risk leaving out Jade out. Or Charley…
Who wins? Get your FREE £10 bet here
BIG Brother’s preordained winner Charley Uchea has been a revelation, offering an instant explanation as to why lapdancing clubs are so dimly lit and why men who visit them to talk to the girls are benign economical with the actualite.
Only a student pyschoanalyst or the Daily Sport would pay to converse with Charley (59-1 to win the show).
But sex sells. And sex has been used to sell Big Brother since its inception. Remember all those headlines and teasers about when the first act of coitus would occur.
This season’s Big Brother has already, apparently, featured Ziggy and Chanelle at it. Luckily that these more physically attractive housemates chose to buddy up; although we are left to wonder how much more interesting things would have been had Carole hooked up with Jonathan.
And then there is Chanelle (11-1 to win), the biggest wet patch since Madonna melted the icecap at Live Earth. Chanelle is not just drippy; Chanelle is a constant light drizzle. She is British summer time made legs and thong.
Charley is Chanelle’s nemesis. And we are now willing her to stop the flirting with Ziggy and move things on. A smooch in front of Chanelle would turn the Wakekfield wonder into a puddle.
And we would warm to Ziggy (47-1 to win). Who does not want to see what occurs when Charley snares her prey? She’ll be a terrier right. She’ll eat him alive, or else chew him up and spit him out.
And what if she finds love, real love; not the love that the world has for her, that deluded love that Charley sees in chants of “Get Charley out!” and “We hate youuuuu!” But real love.
BIG Brother’s preordained winner Charley Uchea has been a revelation, offering an instant explanation as to why lapdancing clubs are so dimly lit and why men who visit them to talk to the girls are liars.
Only a student pyschoanalyst or the Daily Sport would pay to converse with Charley.
But such is that lighting that they come to see her dance. So Charley dances. She licks her lips. She flashes her boobs.
Before her sits not a disparate group of housemates, each wondering what they are missing on the telly and if they should take one or two bottle into the shower. She is not dancing for a Priapic teen on a trip to the West End nor a braying middle manager keen to show his manliness and power with a warm fiver. Before Charley sits an “ENGLAND STAR”.
No, not Wayne Rooney; Charley’s not that old. And not David Beckham. He is a loyal family man and has eyes only for Her Poshness. Before Charley is “premiership ace Leroy Lita”.
Yes, him. Lita plays for Reading, it says here. He also, apparently, plays for England, but at what the Star is unspecific.
And Lita is up for it, so much so that when the Star goes to confront him with news that his meeting with Charley has been captured on camera he squirts photographer Wayne Starr with baby oil.
Everyone’s fair game to these sexed-up players. But the photographer is not dancing. And Lita is not talking with him over a £150 glass of champagne.
“He won’t be making any comment on this nor will the club,” says a spokesman for Spearmint Reading.
If you want to talk you have to pay first. And watch the show…
So what if it’s a fix and Charley is going to win. It’s only a gameshow, a contest in which viewers are invited to spend money on voting out their favourites and seeing them parachuted back in again.
It’s fake week. It’s Big Brother. Whisper it but the Big Brother house is not a real house. It’s not even on a real street. There is no council tax to be paid. It’s a studio in a field near Elstree.
And amid so much fakery, no-one is more of a fake than Charley. Sure she likes to keep it real, but reality to Charley is a lie. She tells it like it is. And it is one big lie.
If first place went to the housemate who had climbed Mount Snowdon in the fastest time and eaten Roy Castle’s trumpet, Charley would win. Anyone who says she’s a liar is just jealous.
Of course, one day Charley will be chucked out the house. She will feel the love. She will dance on a table at Chinawhites and date a Division One footballer. Her fame will be real. And then after two weeks of life in the limelight, Charley will stand on the wet patch and begin the slow inexorable slide into obscurity. The pain will be real.
Sure, she will tell her friends and pigeons in the precinct that she is more popular than air and was once asked to be Queen, but they will not believe her. Although Brain might, especially if Charley writes the truth down in a book.
But Charley is in the house. Nicky and Gerry are up for the chop. Nicky is a shoo-in to go. To date, all the favourites for eviction have gone. Nicky will go. At 1-33 on, Nicky is the shortest price yet for a housemate’s eviction. She is a dead cert.
Of course, Nicky is being edited to look whiny, lazy, miserable and grumpy. Although the housemates, who see her in what passes for reality 24/7, call her “grating” (Carole), the “sneakiest housemate” (Liam), and “nasty” (Gerry).
How Nicky who does nothing but moan and grumble came to be nastier than Charley is an oddity that no end of Big Brother psychologists can pontificate over.
Maybe it’s because after a while Charley just loses all power. She’s the housemate you can’t hate. Only pity…
PSSST! Wanna buy four singed books by Pete Bennett, last year’s Big Brother winner?
Pete: My Story “will make you cry, have you in stitches, and inspire you with its amazing honesty…But beneath his quirky and hilarious antics, it was Pete’s refreshing innocence and lack of fame-seeking that made him the most popular (and fancied) housemate Big Brother has ever seen.”
Pete’s fame-dodging biography is yours for 99p.
Bargain hunters looking on eBay can also find the official guide to BB3. This is your chance to see a balding Brummie receiving oral sex from Jade Goody.
And sticking with Jade, and to her, there’s the bottle of her perfume Shh… (top notes of kebab and drying tissue). It’s in a suede presentation box with a pot of shimmer puff body powder. Yours for £5.50.
A copy of the Star costs 40p. Anorak pays you £10 to watch Big Brother. Pick your deal…
Of course there are not. There are hot pictures of Dani Lloyd, the non-bullying, non-bigoted counterpunch to that hideous Danielle.
So hot is Dani that she’s wearing a string vest and no underwear. It’s a strong look and one we imagine well known to Star readers. If Dani can just perch her lips atop a bacon roll and scratch somewhere intimate, she will be as one with her people.
And she is getting hotter still. In “237 REASONS TO HAVE SEX”, the top driver to procreate is “I wanted to keep warm”.
The next most prominent reasons are: “I wanted to get a promotion”; “I wanted to release tensions”; “I wanted to feel closer to God”; and “I was bored”.
Such are the findings of researchers at the University of Texas for Archives of Sexual Behaviour.
Meanwhile Dani is so hot she needs not sex but to remove her string vest and get on her hands and knees for a good airing. And give readers the kind of look that could melt a friend egg sandwich…
BIG BROTHER ZIGGY’S SEX SECRETS,” announces the Star’s front page.
Chanelle is seeking revenge. She wants to get back at Ziggy by telling the world that he has a small penis.
“You go for the jugular every time, don’t you,” says Ziggy (out to 69-1 to win) to his former lover. The main vein.
Chanelle (12-1) wants Ziggy to stop talking to Charley. “It upsets me,” says she. “Will you not do it?”
Chanelle needs to grow up. But Big Brother only runs for another month or so and there is not time for her to develop into an adult before our eyes.
But Ziggy is not easily put off. He’s back in bed with Chanelle showing how much he cares, as he is best able.
“I am glad you are here Zac,” says Chanelle. “If you had been in the BB house another year I would never have met you.”
And then there would have been no Ziggy and Wet Blanket romance.
GERRY and Nicky will face the public vote this week, after Big Brother revealed that they received the most nominations this week.
Nicky is 1-25 on to go. Pile the free money on her. She is gone. Gone. Gone.
Gerry is 22-1 to go. Not a chance. For one thing he upsets Charley. For another… Well, he upsets Charley… He stays.
Every week the hot favourite to leave has left. Claim your fee £10 and place your bets…
WAKEFIELD is awash with stars.
Who knew that Wakefield, not permanently settled until the Germanic tribe, the Angles sailed up the Calder and decided to make it their home sometime in the 5th–6th century AD, the centre of the Rhubarb Triangle, was Britain’s look-alike capital?
And, as the Sun reports, Chanelle (15-1 to win) has “declared war” on one Katie Cheeseman.
Chanelle looks like Victoria Beckham, it says here. Ms Cheeseman, 23, looks like Katie Andre minus the Jordans.
“Chanelle thinks Wakefield’s only got room for one celeb lookalike,” says the Sun’s headline.
Katie says Chanelle is a “bitch, a bully and a poser”. She goes on: “Wakefield is a small city. Everyone knows everybody else.”
Posh lookalikes know Jordan lookalikes know someone who looks a bit like Wayne Rooney who has a dog that looks like Roly from EastEnders. And so on all the way to Pontefract.
“My boyfriend and I are always called Peter and Jordan,” says Cheeseman. “It’s a bit of a giggle and he likes to flash his six-pack whenever Peter’s song Mysterious Girl is played.”
That this tune should be played at all comes as no small shock. But then the DJ who looks like Bruno Brooks likes to keep it real.
“IT was fixed,” says Big Brother’s Charley Uchea, 11-1 to be the show’s top female, after Amanda (9-5), Chanelle (9-4),Carole (9-2) and Sam (6-1).
“Even if Nicky (49-1) had got more votes then me it would have been me still going. Davina was saying to me ‘You’re unique, you’re unique. I can guarantee they chose me for a reason.”
So she is better than the others? “I’m not saying that because I’m better than any of you, I’m not saying that.”
But Charley is loved by the public.
They slap her hands. They scream “Peace be upon you, Charley”. The lame approach to be touched. A squadron of RAF jets fly overhead spelling out “Charley” in plumes of smoke and an arrow-pieced heart.
Marks & Sparks produces a range of G-Charley thongs. Channel 4 creates an hour-long 100 Best Charley Moments retrospective. Melinda Messenger models the new Charley implants.
“You can nominate me all you want guys. But this week, next week or the week after, I’ll still be here. They love me out there. It’s because I’m real. I’m a big character.”
The housemates listen. And if they listen harder. They can hear the fans: “Get Charley out!” they scream. “Get Charley out!”
Because we love her. We need her to walk among us. We need Charley…