Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Know: “Hysterical BRITNEY SPEARS threatened to kill herself by driving off a CLIFF.”
We join the action as Troubled Britney is sat in a car with her estranged husband, Kevin Federline.
The NOTW sees Troubled Britney and K-Ferret motoring down Mulholland Drive. Our attention is draw toward “huge drop that line the bendy road”.
It is what Hollywood types call a Cliffhanger.
Troubled Britney turns to K-Ferret. Says she: “I’m going to drive off the cliff! It’s going to be your fault that I killed myself.”
The words resonate within the car – and reverberate the way to the NOTW’s offices in a less salubrious part of London.
And Troubled Britney’s battered white Fiat Uno drives on…
Others may mistake her for other beleaguered blondes in the news, namely Princess Diana and Kate McCann. But we can confirm that it is Heather and that she is blonde.
The Sun remains uncertain, however. It notes that ‘Heather’ arrived at London’s high court covered in a blanket.
And when inside the courtroom, chairs are pushed up against the door and the spy hole covered up with tape. The “giant wooden doors” are locked.
But it is Heather. We worked it out.
But in “WE CAN’T WORK IT OUT”, the Mirror says Mills and her estranged husband Paul McCartney have failed to reach a divorce settlement after eight hours of negotiations.
“They are still miles and miles apart,” says an insider.
But this is Paul McCartney, right? We’d recognise the man who told us that all you need is love anywhere?
He’s leaving the court. He’s flashing the crowd a ‘V’ for victory smile. He’s still got a shirt on his back. And he’s leading one and all in a spiritual rendition of Dear Prudence…
SAYS Coronation Street’s Simon Gregson of his showcased son Alfie: “Yes, he wasn’t planned at all. We reckon he was conceived on the OK! engagement shoot we did!”
Whoah! Save it for the kiss ‘n’ tell, Simon. OK! is a family magazine (the family being the Jordan-Andres) and though many a child must have been sired in view of the glossy pages, we need to move on.
Emma?” My waters broke when we were walking the dogs at 10:30 at night.” That’s better. Stick to euphemisms. “I had to be induced in the end…It was a pretty bad week and I was in denial. I kept saying: ‘My bladder’s playing up!’”
And then: “My back wasters had broken but not my front waters,” says Emma.
We have no idea what she means. Matron!
BRITNEY Spears remains “Troubled“. Troubled Britney Spears” is in the Star on account of her having told “stunnded pals”, who confided in OK! USA: “I don’t give a sh*t any more. I never wanted them in the first place.”
We make no apologies for the censoring of “sh*t”.
We are all too aware that the kind of people who read OK! and the Daily Star, two organs owned by Richard Desmond’s stable, would not appreciate stumbling upon vulgarity. The Express being “THE WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER”.
As such , we advise them against looking at Demsond’s other productions, namely Television X (featuring Filipino Sucky Fucky), Red Hot TV (Barely legal beauties) and the sink of filth that is Talk Sport radio…
It was BBC man Buerk’s lot to journey to Ethiopia and beam back pictures of the starving and the displaced. It was painful viewing.
And the Star lacks Buerk’s gravitas, although it makes a decent fist of showing Winehouse on a night out with less-than-weighty Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen.
And there’s Amy’s husband Blake Fielder–Civil, a man who sounds like a provincial solicitor practice and dressed in grey blazer, black jeans and beige Burberry raincoat looks not unlike a provincial solicitor.
The Star reports that he “did the chivalrous thing” and escorted skinny model Lily Cole home after a night out. Or as the Mirror puts it: “HEARTBREAKER – Amy’s man storms off with top model.”
Amy has flown into a “jealous rage”. She and Blake have engaged in a “massive bust-up”. They are locked in a toilet cubicle at London’s Harvey Nichols department store. They are “screaming at each other”.
“People waiting to use the loos were just standing there open-mouthed”, says the Star. (Well, when you’ve got to go…)
Anyone wishing to enlarge upon this story is invited to do so with some urgency…
The Sun republishes a picture of the Hoff waiting to board a flight at Heathrow Airport with “what appeared to be a large stain on his trousers”. The perils of pulling on tight-fitting jeans over wet swimming trunks cannot be overlooked. And The Hoff should care not to make the same mistake twice.
But he is off the wagon. And we are left to wonder if it was a talking wagon and one able to call the tabloid press?
The Big Brother star emeritus is getting ready. We see her dressed only in her knickers and bra (matching) and pulling up a pair of fishnet stockings.
Inside, spread over the Star’s centre-crease, Chanelle is “Chanelle No.1”. She is launching her own perfume. Called Simply Chanelle, the scent features top notes of used hankie, fresh tissue and bottom notes of out-the-box PVC.
“I’m really pleased with it,” says Chanelle. “I chose the name and chose loads and loads of different samples.”
And, of course, Chanelle hopes she will beat smelly’ Posh’s own signature odour. The two women look a little alike, and it is hoped that the addition of branded scents will help one and all differentiate between the two. And stop David Beckham from making a terrible mistake…
The that is underlined. It is not this feud nor is it the other feud. It is that feud. When it comes to feuding, Sarah Jessica is one up on Cliff Barnes and JR Ewing. If thar’s a-feudin’ to be done, Sarah Jessica Parker’s the gal to do it.
And turning the page, we read “SJP: ‘HOW I ENDED THAT FEUD”’ and learn that SJP “couldn’t be happier”.
Many feuds end with one party enacting a revenge killing, a Japanese katakiuchi, an eye for an eye, a Moldavian massacre.
“I really wanted it to happen,” says SJP, and it was a bitter pill to swallow that it didn’t happen for so long.”
Such is way of a vendetta. Patience is all. You may wait one, two or three generations, but blood will out. Blood will be spilled. You will have your day.
So here is SJP stood in NY, meeting the SATC gang. Can you repair the damage of a friendship lost? Can you be bosom buddies again. Can you… etc. etc.
“Making the show was one of the best experiences of my professional life,” says SJP. “It gave single women a voice and showed that being single is not a disease.”
Those among us who stand in the precinct on a Friday night and hear single women crack out a lusty rendition of It’s Raining Men on their way to the STD clinic, may question SJP’s pioneering credentials.
But SJP is in conciliatory mood, and we do not want to raise her hackles, lest she begin a feud with us…
LAST week we brought you notice of Troubled Britney Spears’ penchant for doing “frappucchino”.
And now the Mirror and Star both report that Troubled Spears is getting wasted on the brew, spilling the concoction down her dress.
And what is that but a waste?
“Oops,” says the Mirror. “I spilled it again.”
Following the news that Britney Spears had inquired about becoming a bartender at the Viceroy hotel, this is another savage blow to her ambitions. But as reported, one day later, Extra TV claimed TMZ’s Bartendin’ Britney story was bogus.
Meanwhile, Holy Candy was busy preparing this comprehensive Britney Spears resume.
And the Mirror is looking at the stains to her reputation, and to her dress…
“OOH LA LARGE!” it oozes. Inside: “Posh is in Seine.”
That’s a pun on the city’s river, the Seine. Readers might recognise the river from the ensuing Rugby World Cup, also in Paris, and the Princess Diana inquest tour, ditto.
It is no coincidence that Her Poshness is in Paris, evoking both the spirit of Diana’s celebrity in her choice of outfits and the rugby as the media scrum is invited to track her every move.
Although she threatens to move into the Jennifer Aniston Zone to her left and the Jolie Area to her underneath. As the headline goes Britney “GAINS 42lbs”.
Like you, we have no idea what 42lbs is, having gone metric when Angelina Jolie was in Paris.
But it sounds a lot. And there is every reason to believe that Britney is growing up with her audience, moving effortlessly from lithe-limbed blonde American schoolgirl to large-limbed, heavy-set American woman.
As such, she should embrace her changing shape. Or as a source puts it: “She grabs the fact on her stomach and thighs and says she wishes it would melt off.”
Such is the way of the Hollywood Hills, that there is every chance to believe the couple are dating, soon-to-be-collaborating on a rom-com movie and consulting the Book of Revelations for baby names.
In “ROMANCE BLOOMS”, readers see that both Jen and Orlando love the beach. Jen loves hers. Orlando loves his. And one day they may even share a beach, a possibility the Enquirer encourages with its front-page graphic.
Their relationship promises to develop into an “open romance”.
Jen and Orlando are in Mexico. They are “staring blissfully into each other’s eyes”.
They are dining on a patio in their swimsuits. They share the same manager, one Aleen Keshishan.
Who remains tantalisingly out of shot, and is very possibly on the beach…
As the Sun’s front page announces: “JUST AS DIANA JURY ARRIVES IN PARIS…POSH PUTS ON THE RITZ.”
It takes a special kind of talent to gatecrash a funeral, but then Diana’s passing has taken ten years and there was every chance unexpected guests would arrive to steal the show.
So here is Victoria Beckham wearing a feathery red dress. The Sun gives readers “An Eiffel of Posh”, as La Beckham “unwittingly strolled through a makeshift ‘courtroom’ set up fro the inquest into Diana’s death”.
“It was amazing,” says an onlooker. “She was the last person you expected to see.”
For sure. But there is a neat symmetry in the inquest into one celebrity princess being upstaged by the arrival of another.
And then there is Victoria’s own personal tragedy as her father-in-law Ted recovers from a heart attack. “It was greatly appreciated,” says Posh in the Mirror in reference to the overwhelming support, the flowers and the minute’s silence. “The clothes I’m wearing are incredible.”
This is the Mail’s front page “Posh’s walk-on part at the Diana inquest”.
And as she drives off, we wish her bon voyage and god speed…
14 says: Diddy recently launched Unforgivable, his new fragrance for women.
Ads featuring Doodles Diddy biting, pawing and groping attractive young women caused so much controversy that even MTV refused to air the racy TV commercial unless Diddy agreed to make edits to tone it down.
Of course, Diddy refused. No one tells Diddy what to do.
The toothy mogul mumbled something about the type of women he had in mind when he “created” the fragrance. “She’s strong, she’s into fashion, a woman who’s sensual and passionate, and a quiet woman. A woman who picks the words she chooses carefully, and when she speaks she says what she means.”
Interesting how Diddy goes to so much trouble describing the way he prefers women to communicate. I can just hear him, “Shhh, quiet down ‘lil lady. Here’s some money, why don’t you go shopping for something sexy and when you come home, I’ll grope you in the hallway. Run along now, and don’t come home until you’ve piped down.”
Not since Arlo Guthrie flew into Los Angeles has a trip been so welcomed by one and all.
“I think Britney’s lost the plot,” says Sharon Osbourne. “She must get some therapy.”
Sharon Lynne Osbourne is not related to Britney, and her views may or may not be valid. But she is a mother and judge on the X Factor TV show and that must count for something.
This is all part of “Another quiet weekend in the crazy world of Britney Spears”.
The Sun records all. On Friday, Britney went clothes shopping. She then got into car and went to a hotel. The hotel is five stars.
Britney buys a packet of Werther’s original sweets and toy Halloween pumpkins. For this purchase, Britney swapped her “busty dress” (?) for a tracksuit.
The colour of this tracksuit is not recorded, nor whether it was busty. But when we know, you’ll know…
JAMIE Oliver, native of Essex, is to launch “’authentic’ Italian restaurant chain”.
Anorak has been to Italy and noted that the successful restaurant chains are called L’Insalata Ricca, Brek and McDonalds.
As the Guardian reports, Jamie’s Italian will be your neighbourhood Italian restaurant. Jamie says the food will be “prepared with love”. Or “wiv larv”, as they say in Jamie’s Italy…
Anorak has been compiling a list of epithets, as part of our Tabloid Dictionary. To date we have “rubber-faced Rowan Atkinson”, “anguished Kate McCann” and “troubled Britney Spears”.
Britney Spears has not been up to much of late. Her songs are bad, her dancing worse. And her school uniform is in Comfi Slax range. But Troubled Britney has been making headlines.
Today, Troubled Britney is in the Sun. As readers learn: “TROUBLED BRITNEY SPEARS may face a legal battle to keep custody of her DOGS.”
The head of animal rights charity Peta has asked Britney’s estranged husband Kevin Federline to pursue an order for care of her Yorkie called London and chihuahuas Lucky, Lacy and Bit-Bit.
As reported: “Ingrid Newkirk said Britney, 25, had failed to have London treated after his leg was broken when he was stepped on.”
No further details are given, the Sun correctly realising that its readers are representative of this nation of dog lovers and can only stand so much.
As for calling her Yorkshire Terrier London, we urge calm in the People’s Republic of Yorkshire and lobby Troubled Britney to rename the creature something more in keeping with that locale and her own career, such as Leeds, Nafferton and Little Weighton…
In years to come, Anorak will be invited to nod its head on TV’s I Love The Noughties show and explain to the masses A) Who Britney Spears was and B) what a frappuccino is and what role it played in the life of A.
It won’t be easy. But on hand to help will be the son or daughter of a celebrity reminiscing about how mum used to take them to Starbucks after school, and get TWO granola breakfast muffins for a fiver! And we will be joined by Lilly Allen.
Ms Allen knows much about Spears, at least enough to tell the Mirror that her “heart goes out to her. I feel that she must be in a tough place right now. It’s really upsetting.”
That tough place is, as we have seen, a frappuccino outlet. And, indeed, it is nothing if it is not upsetting.
And Lilly has been there and done that. “I was 19 when I started doing this, so I can’t imagine what it muse be like for her,” says she.
Indeed, doing frappuccino is not something to be taken lightly, and to our mind Lilly took risks but was of legal age. And survived.
“I can’t imagine what it must be like for her. She must feel like: ‘God I need to get away.’”
I need to get a blend of ice and a mix constituted of coffee, water, milk, and various syrups…
OK! had already gone to print and been overtaken by Kerry’s fast-paced life.
This was a lost opportunity. But Kerry went to hospital and there was nothing short of a miracle. Doctors discovered the baby’s heartbeat. And that meant it was alive.
Kerry had not had a miscarriage.
It had all been a terrific mistake.
And so the hard work begins as Max calls around the newspapers to tell them that despite stories to the contrary (see early editions), his client and, lest we forget, dear friend, was still with child.
To the presses with the joyous news…
This is no searching question, and while commentators will wonder if he is more the brand than the man, Ted Beckham simply asks: “Who is David Beckham?”
Ted’s recent heart attack has left him with memory loss. As the Sun says (“DAD’S BECKS BLANK”), Ted even forgot his son’s name.
A source tells us: “After Ted came round from this operation he struggled to recognise his family. David, Jo and Lynne were all incredibly upset.”
There is no little concern that Ted’s confusion will be agitated by his son’s billing as Becks, Day-vid and Mr Posh.
But help is at hand in the shape of no less than two David Beckham autobiographies, back copies of the Sun newspaper and Sky TV retrospectives on the Beckham Years, featuring interviews with Rebecca Loos, Sir Alex Ferguson and the man who gave David his first tattoo.
One thing that Ted may struggle with is, of course, the bald truth that David is a footballer and plays for the Los Angeles Galaxy.
Best to leave that insight for anther time, lest Ted become disorientated and wonder if the world has gone mad…
Adele Silva is happy “being single”. Adele “SAVOURS HER NEW FREEDOM”.
That should quiet the rumour mongers. We can now dismiss the gossip about the actress attempting to place her head in the oven in unseen footage of Hell’s Kitchen. Adele is happy.
And she doesn’t care who knows it.
The revelations so not stop there.
Charlotte Church and a radiant Gavin Henson are in deep “JOY” with their new baby. She’s called Ruby. And she’s a diamond.
Charlotte gave birth in a birthing pool. It was to have been a bed but what with global warming and all…
Geri Halliwell IS on a sunshine holiday with her daughter Bluebell. No, make that Geri Halliwell is on a SUNSHINE holiday WITH her daughter Bluebell. There is revealing and there is knowing how to reveal.
And there’s Brad Pitt telling Hello! that “HE’S JUST A NORMAL DAD”. Brad wears a clean blue T-shirt and tells us: “Fatherhood is not an overnight thing at all – more like a gradual learning process of what it means, defining for yourself what kind of father you want to be, how to fell worthy of carrying the name of ‘father’.”
Lines not plucked from Pitt’s role in Troy but from his own mouth, unscripted and off the cuff.
Words that any normal father hears and nods along to…
They are a revelation…
Aniston and Affleck are indeed close. As the National Enquirer’s front page screams: “ANISTON & AFFLECK FLIRTING WITH DISASTER.”
And when Affleck does disaster everyone suffers – who can forget Pearl Harbor?
Trembling, we turn the page and learn that – get this – the picture is from a film Aniston and Affleck are working on together.
What price that the woman who starred in The Break Up and then Broke Up (!) with Vince Vaughn will now appear in the film He’s Just Not That Into You and find that – whoaah! – Ben is just not that into her!
A set insider tells us: “They hang out together, eat together and go off on walks tougher.”
But He’s Just Not That Into You!
A magazine has apparently banded them the “New Bennifer”.
But He’s Just Not That Into You!
“Meanwhile, Ben’s holding, kissing and even doing passionate honeymoon scenes with her!”
But He’s Just Not That Into You!
And He’s Not That Into You Too!
Dr Miriam Stoppard is considering the Britney Spears issue in the Mirror. She is the paper’s agony aunt, and what is Spears’s life but one of abject agony.
Dr Miriam says Los Angeles Judge Scott Gordon is not an “ass” and found in favour of the children’s father, one K-Ferret.
“Nevertheless,” says the doctor, “one quakes” for the boys. She notes that K-Ferret and Spears are “reprobate parents”. Britney is “drug-sodden”. She is “weak, self-deluded and wholly irresponsible, dangerously so”.
Dr Miriam must leave it there to go and open her postbag. A girl’s boyfriend has been calling gay chat phone lines and a woman wonders why her child’s eczema seems to get better if the mother is enjoying herself, even if she’s not with her.
And while Miriam’s duty calls, the Star watches Britney slope off. After losing her two sons, Britney heads to the Bel-Air beauty salon for a fake baking. She wears a short white skirt that barely covers her bum, or ass, as Dr Miriam might call it.
The Star says: “Mum Brit is in freefall.”
And in the Sun, Britney’s aunt Chanda McGovern says: “We are very worried that things are going to spiral out of control…we are worried about suicidal tendencies in her.”
Dr Miriam is not around just now. But we, acting as her receptionist, urge Britney to wait…
“Britney loses her children,” says the Mirror, and we know that it has.
But the panic does not last for long as the Sun tells us that the children have been found and are now in the “physical custody” of Britney Spears’ ex-husband Kevin Federline.
Federline, aka The Rapping Rodent, aka K-Ferret, is now legally allowed to raise sons Sean Preston and Jayden James, to construct them in his own image.
Many will have to put their concerns to one side, dismiss thoughts of the little lambs being at large dressed in white vests and pointed beards, because, as a source says: “We are all fearing for Britney and this will be the final straw for her.”
“SUICIDE FEAR FOR BRITNEY,” says the Sun. The Mirror says Britney is “beyond inconsolable”.
And: “She has not stopped crying since she found out. It hasn’t sunk in yet…a life without them is unimaginable for her.” As ever: “The boys are her life.”
Overlooked is the need to say that Britney is lost. And realise that this is an interim order and full custody of the children will be decided at a later date.
In the meantime, we need to find Britney. And find her spokesman, who, as the Sun reports, “was not available last night”.
Fears are that they too are lost…
The Sun hears Ted Beckham sit up in bed and tell the world “I’ll be okay”. The paper says that Ted even made it to wave off Posh ‘n’ Becks from the carpark.
As a hospital insider let’s us know: “David was very sweet and brought Ted some home-made fruit punch and a salad. Posh even took off her sunglasses when she reached the ward.”
Of course, she may have replaced them with still bigger lenses, especially since, as the Mirror reports, Posh and her Spice Girls entourage are collaborating with fly-eyed Bono, Mr G9 himself.
But that for later. For now, as the Star notes, “Posh Is Beck To Normal”, manfully refusing to smile as she jets off her to resume her amazing life in Los Angeles.
Says an onlooker: “They were holding hands like newlyweds but you could see the strain in their faces.”
And with that Her Poshness puts her sunglasses back on…