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Celebrities | Anorak - Part 367

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Will Young Is A K***: An Anorak Reader Challenge

will-young-posters.jpgTHE Anorak likes to think of itself as well versed in the street vernacular. But the Mirror’s news on Will Young intrigues and challenges.

In “Young’s full of bad Will” the paper hears BBC Radio1 DJ Scott Mills accuse the singer of “committing one of showbiz’s cardinal sins”.

Did Will not show “’nuff respect” to a fellow artiste? In the course of a stage show did Young shout “I love you Bournemouth” when playing Bridlington? Or when challenged to offer his views on global warming and African debt did Will forgo the chance to repeat the popstar mantra about how bad and wrong it is and instead offer “I have no idea about any of it and think it best left to politicans to sort out”?

None of those. It is said that Young did fail to sign autographs for his young fans. Says Mills: “Will used to be a nice bloke. I don’t know who he’s been handing out with, but know he’s just a k***.”

Can you fill in the missing letters and tell us what Young is? K ***?

Answers to the usual address…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Wayne Rooney In Hello!

SAYS Wayne Rooney in Hello! magazine on the matter of his summer wedding to Coleen McLoughlin: “I wouldn’t invite people for the sake of it.”

Although Hello! might well invite its readers on Wayne’s behalf…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Hello! | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Michael Jackson And Jackson Five Reform

MICHAEL Jackson is to reform.

That opening line possesses a certain ambiguity. Better to say that Jackson has never committed any offence and has nothing to reform for.

His reforming is part of the greater coming together of the Jackson Five, of which Michael Jackson, in the face of considerable competition from his reworked brothers, remains the youngest.

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Waiting For Pamela Anderson’s Stolen Moments

pamela_anderson.jpg SOME tabloid stories repeat every day – Madeleine McCann, Princess Diana, immigrants give you cancer – whereas others come round once a year – Christmas cancelled, Anthea Turner’s comeback, Pamela Anderson to divorce, and the equally efficient Pamela Anderson to marry.

The Sun brings news that Anderson is divorcing hubby Rick Saloman after “just” 72 days of marriage.

The ex Baywatch babe, 40, cited “irreconcilable differences” in court papers.

It is a quick Hollywood marriage, for certain. But not the fastest, beaten by Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander (55 hours) and the marriage of Anderson’s fellow Baywatch floatation device Carmen Electra to Dennis Rodman. Although it sets a new record for Pammy, who divorced her husband Mr Kid Rock after 115 days.

The wonder now is if she can better 72 days, and should she try to?

On Thursday, Anderson wrote on her blog: “But no regrets — Just living such a huge dream….I’m blessed. So many options.”

For options read men. What is a girl to do. By our estimations, should Anderson live to be three score years and ten she will, at current rates, have time for over 150 husbands.
Of course, she only needs to muster 30 to secure the proscribed one divorce and one marriage per year.

Anything more would be a bonus…

(Watch out for the Anderson-Saloman stolen home movie coming to a box of tissues near you!)

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Shirley Bassey And Cilla Black’s Golden Oldies

blind-date.jpgFEW at Anorak Towers have recovered from seeing and hearing Cilla Black fake an orgasm on stage at the 2001 Royal Variety Performance.

Now the Mail brings news of Shirley Bassey’s 70th birthday (who among you thought she was older?) and among other stars from the Triassic age observes Black “dancing with a posse of tanned body-builders”.

Otherwise known as The Tarbucks, aka The Golden Oldies…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Pete Doherty To Run The London Marathon

pete-doherty.JPGWITH new celebrity Leon Jackson bedding in old celebrity Pete Doherty needs a new headline-making song, or failing that, a stunt.

So here’s news in the Mirror that Pete Doherty wants to run the London Marathon. Whether he will run or not is beside the point. It is that he should want to run that is newsworthy.

The Mirror says Doherty has already started jogging in preparation for next year’s gruelling 26-mile road race.

Says the Doherty camp: “There is some truth to this – you never know what could happen.”

We don’t know but we have a rough idea, given that Doherty’s career to date has been a varied as a Gregorian chant.

The real fear is that Doherty will turn to running and do too well, revealing a commitment to speed that his drugs history demands.

As such, marathon champion Doherty may find himself drugs tested and his run rendered null and voice when his blood samples are found to contain more than the usual builders’ dust, burnt kebab and coffee fumes most Londoners inhale.

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Joss Stone’s Flake Is A Fudge

fudge.jpgJOSS Stone, she of the mid-Atlantic drawl, will advertise Cadbury’s Flakes because, as the Cadbury spokesman tells the Express, “she reflects the Flakes girl’s attitude to life”.

The Flake is now the tenth most popular selling confectionary in the UK. Cadbury Dairy Milk remains the best-selling chocolate in Britain. You may have seen the advert for it where Phil Collins plays the drum in the nude.

True enough, the thought of Collins simulating oral sex on a stick of flaky chocolate will appeal to a niche demographic, and it might be that no celebrity can be all things (surely, Allsorts) to all confectionary bars.

But should we congratulate Stone or offer our sympathies? Did her agent take a risk when he knocked back the Finger of Fudge deal? And had he accepted, what would it have said about Stone’s “Attitude to life”?

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Smell Of Success: Inhaling Jordan, Britney And Kate Moss

david-beckham-perfume.jpg“JORDAN SCENTS XMAS VICTORY,” says the Star. “Top 10 Celeb Pongs.”

According to official figures, Stunning by Katie Price is the top celebrity bottled smell. Each morning a team of parfumiers scrape Jordan’s bedding and dispense the contents into a two nipple-shaped jugs. It is then passed through a sieve.

Boasting top notes of orange blossom, orange tango and orange Opal Fruits, laid over a bed of warm hammock with base notes of damp horse and acorn, this tart and heady concoction demands respect.

Jordan’s smell outsells Curious by Britney Spears, Kate Moss by Kate Moss, Kelly Brook by Kelly Brook and Intimately his ‘n’ hers by the Beckhams.

These are the smells previously known only to the people closest to the celebrities, now made available to one and all.

The key difference is that the purchased smell is only borrowed and will last only until your next wash, whereas David Beckham really does smell of the “intense freshness and sparkle of bergamot, tangy grapefruit zest and zingy cardamom” overlaid by “a virile blend of nutmeg and star anise” and “finishing down with warm sensual undertones of sandalwood, patchouli and amber”.

And knowing Jordan is to fall head first into a bowl of mandarins…

Picture: 14

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Exclusive Factor: The Real Leon Jackson

kylie-leon-x-factor.jpgLEON Jackson can carry a tune as well as any department store lift. And by rights he is now a bona fide celebrity, adding his weight to the country’s celebrity mountain.

Right now Jackson is at the top of the pile, backside sat on Kerry Katona, one toe in Marc Bannerman’s eye, an elbow shoved in Anthea Turner’s folds.

These are the glory days. In time, Leon will pull on a fleece-lined anorak and scream “Hello, Bridlington, I love you. It’s great to be back for another summer”, meet Gordon Brown and try his hand at TV presenting on a Saturday morning cookery show.

For now though, Leon must do as all winners atop the celebrity heap do and tell us about Leon. “I’ve had bras thrown at me and the pants and it’s really flattering,” says Jackson.

And in the Mirror’s X Factor “EXCLUSIVE”: “But just now I need to focus on music…I don’t think I’m going to get distracted with a lady companion at the moment.”

In the Sun’s “X FACTOR EXCLUSIVE”, Leon says “now bring on the girl groupies.”

In time we will get to experience the real Leon, possibly on Celebrity Masterchef or Love Island. But for now we are confused…

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Amy Winehouse At Six And Seven

AMY Winehouse drinks a cocktail at 6:00am. “SAD,” says the Mirror.

At 6.26 am, Amy Winehouse “leans head on hand”.

“MISERABLE,” says the Mirror.

“At 6:45 am, Amy Winehouse is “buying newspapers and supplies”.

“SHOPPING,” says the Mirror.”

At 7am, the Mirror’s SAD and MISERABLE, and COLD photographer sells his pictures to anyone SHOPPING for shots of Winehouse buying a milk and a copy of the Daily Star…

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jimmy Savile Row: Sir Jimmy’s Tips On Girls And Suits

jimmy-savile.jpgSIR Jimmy Savile OBE, as he must be known, appears in a string vest, Stoke Mandeville bring-and-buy sale shell suit and hair like spun toffee.

Sir Jimmy appears in the Daily Sport, sandwiched between news of a teacher caught having sex with a teenager and the question “WHO’LL BE FIRST TO LAY LEON?”, an insight into the glamour model betting syndicate’s sweep on Celebrity X Factor winner Leon Jackson.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Amy Winehouse Leads Pop’s Nostalgia Tribute For Tupac Shakur And Leon Jackson

amy-winehouse-3.jpgAMY Winehouse “jail hell,” says the News of the World.

It’s a good career move. Short of a stint on a reality TV show judge, shaving her head or an untimely death – the NOTW says Winehouse has vowed “SUICIDE” if jailed for abetting her husband in an alleged £200,000 plot to fix his assault trial – jail is very much the go.

The paper says Winehouse “could face LIFE in jail if cops link her to the suspected conspiracy to clear husband Blake Fielder-Civil on a GBH charge”. Of course, LIFE for Winehouse will mean DEATH”. “Amy, however, is now one step even closer to the brink,” says the paper. She was ever edgy.

Life In Death

Neither life not death will do her earnings much harm. Forbes magazine’s “Top-earning dead celebrities” lists for 2007, featured Elvis Presley (No. 1) singer-songwriter John Lennon (2), former Beatle George Harrison at (4), Tupac Shakur (8) soul singer James Brown (11) and reggae star Bob Marley (12).

On the London Underground, there are adverts for new releases from the legendary hip hop figure Tupac Shakur, whose face also illuminates the night sky on Times Square (43rd and Broadway) at the Southwest corner of Times Square.

Despite being at rest since 1996, Tupac’s new album features new material and remixes of old material. Tupac produces and reproduces. Nothing prevents writer’s block like death.

This latest Winehouse news, of course, comes one day after Leon Jackson became the latest reality TV product when he won TV’s X Factor talent show.

Liam and his vanquished opponents behaved impeccably well. No pinching. No spitting. No vows of vengeance and screams “fix!”. Liam looked genuinely tired and emotional as his shoulders slumped and the tears rolled from his eyes.

Leon adds his name to a lengthening line of nice reality people – stuttering Gareth Gates, jump-jawed Will Young, musakal Hear’Say.

The result has been a beige chorus of cover versions and invitations to clap the star because, well, he’s a nice lad, she’s a nice girl and you liked their new single when you first heard in 1982.

Pop’s Politicos

The alternative to the nice boys and girls are the likes of Mr G9 (Bono – “I represent a lot of people [in Africa] who have no voice at all…”) Bob Geldof and Elton John who implore us to be better people and do the right thing for the planet.

Meanwhile, away from reality and elitist old pop stars preparing legacies like departing politicians, we get Winehouse and Pete Doherty, singers who understand that the music is always second to the drugs, the drink and the drama.

Amid all the remixes of old songs and the reinvigorating of old and dead acts, Winehouse gives us the true taste of nostalgia, when popstars behaved properly.

Anorak favourite badly behaved popstars:

Chuck Berry – Berry was sentenced to three years in jail in 1961 for transporting a 14-year-old prostitute across state lines for “immoral purposes”. In 1994 he was sued by 60 women for, allegedly, filming them in the bathroom of his Southern Air restaurant in Wentzville, Missouri. To protect himself from allegations of rape he insisted female fans strip and smile for pictures with him before he’d have sex with them

Lee “Scratch” Perry – The reggae great was sighted walking backward and worshiping bananas. In 1980, he burned his studio down. He has placed a curse on the BBC which will only lapse when play his records around the clock.

Brian Wilson – Upon meeting some youths backstage in 1970, Beach Boy Wilson introduced himself with a cheery “I’m Brian”. Came the reply: “We know. We’re your children”…

Posted: 16th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Paris Hilton: Fait Nos Une Pipe Dance

paris-hilton-card.jpgPARIS Hilton is the Sun’s “Party girl Paris burns up Berlin”.

The Sun’s showbiz writer Gordon Smart might be dressed like a provincial estate agent (pink tie, light grey suit) but in spite of appearances he is a professional writer. It was he who told us: “I PROMISED not to feature people of limited talent on my page unless they met a set of strict criteria.”

So here’s Paris Hilton managing to “fit in a spot of raunchy dancing at one of the city’s nightspots”.

You want talent? You can’t handle the talent.

“Not content with cutting her moves on dancefloor, chairs and tables, Paris moved things up a notch by swinging from the ceiling pipes.”

And so what at first glance looked like another lazy Paris Hilton filler, the literary equivalent of eating a salty and nutritionless crisp (says Smart: “Wearing a tiny dress, she gave clubbers below a real eyeful), turns out to be the moment a trend began.

Forget lap-dancing. Wave adieu to pole dancing. This is pipe dancing. And it is set to be all the rage. Remember, you read it in here first…

Picture: 14

Posted: 15th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


David Beckham’s Hung Like a Tractor

tractor.jpgSAYS Victoria Beckham: “I’m proud I still have a really good sex life with David. He is very much in proportion.”

In proportion to what is unspecified – his talent, his fame, his brand, his wife? Says Vicky, in the Sun: “He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his.”

The advert is the one debated earlier in the week. And in truth, you cannot tell what is and is not Beckham’s; even the underpants that cover Little Becks carry the name tag “Armani”.

But this is talk of Beckham’s genitals is not all that pleasant. Many did look at the picture of Beckham in his Y-fronts and think “penis” or some word to that affect, but it is something best left alone.

Says Her Poshness, poshly: “It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!” Covered in mud and spewing out noxious substances? Who would want to get into bed with the outflow pipe from a piece of farm machinery? And since when did Her Poshenss become au fait with farms – has she been consorting with Rebecca Loos, pig tosser of repute?

Vicky continues: “I love sex. It is very important. I don’t need to take my whip home. I already have one there.”

Well, if he won’t come willingly…

Posted: 15th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Tenth Rule Of Celebrity With Guest Star Kerry Katona

kerry_quest_big.jpgTHE Tenth Rule Of Celebrity dictates that a drama occurring to persons famous should be met by comment from other famous persons, chiefly in shows of support and empathy.

And even if an unfortunate event happens to non-famous persons, should the scale be grand enough they will form a coven and call it a telethon. Smaller scale events garner a Heart of Gold.

And here is Kerry Katona, mother, supermarket own-brand ketchup fan and jungle lettuce shaker to give her views on a recent disaster.

Having read in the papers that Alex Curran, Wag to Steve Gerrard’s England footballer, has been affected by a burglary to her home, Kerry responds in a way that shows her as a victim, friend, empathiser and champion. And above all a celebrity.

Not too long ago Kerry’s home was burgled. “Kerry says she suffered a “flash back of panic” when she heard how Curran had been treated, trills the Star. Kerry “froze in horror”. Kerry is the real victim here.

“I know what you’re going through,” says Kerry. Empathy.

“What happened to me was the worst experience of my life, but I’ve managed to get through it.” Strength. “You will to.” Support.

Alex Curran’s views are not given…

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Spice Girls Make A Stand For Women

spicegirls.jpgAN injury to a Spice Girl.

“Zig a zig aarrrgh!” exclaims the Mirror. “Hop right now,” says the Sun, for reasons esoteric.

“Limping in for the UK tour, Crocked Spice,” reports the Mail, sticking to the tried-and-tested policy of called anything something… Spice – see Pregnant Spice, Married Spice, Divorced Spice, Skeletal Spice, Old Spice and so on…

News that Baby Spice, aka Emma Bunton, has hurt her leg while performing in Las Vegas is well covered. But what reasons for the injury are hardly touched upon.

There is no cause to believe Baby Spice is faking an injury. But she is ever the show person, and what if at the moment of greatest pain she tosses down her crutches and to the cry “Yes, Victoria, I do believe you are talented. I believe!” walks again?

Of course, it is probably just a clever comment on the plight of women in Sudan. Such is the feminist oeuvre of the Spice Movement…

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Talent Spotting With The Sun’s Paris Hilton

paris-hilton-branding.jpg“I PROMISED not to feature people of limited talent on my page unless they met a set of strict criteria,” says the Sun’s Gordon Smart, his two page dominated by a picture of Paris Hilton.

Smart wants to be like Lloyd Grove, who banned all mention of Paris from his gossip column in the New York Daily News. He stuck to his vow. Grove has now left the paper. Hilton goes on.

Says Grove: “I came to think of Paris as the Human Cheeto. I just couldn’t resist dipping into the nearest Paris bowl and grabbing a salty, yet nutritionless, item (nightclubbing Paris hurls ice cubes at a rival; cover girl Paris tells a magazine interviewer something stupid), then plopping it into the mouth of my column. Invariably, afterward, I felt a teensy bit sick.”

So what reason does tough Smart have for featuring Paris? Well, Paris has “appeared semi-naked for a new movie”.

If this news fits with Smart’s stringent criteria, we can expect to read of Paris Hilton every day, not least of all when she performs her other talents and appears knickerless or totally naked…

Picture: 14 – Buy her prints 

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


I Confess: I Am Richard Madeley And Judy Finnegan’s Presenter Child

jack-chloe-madeley.jpgMORE on Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan, as the tea-time Telly twosome’s teenage daughter Chloe tells us that she wants to work in TV.

“I do want to work in TV,” says Chloe in the Express, “and I would like to present…But I want to start at the bottom and learn everything that way. I don’t want to trade in on my parent’s success.”

Problem is that while Chloe’s peers are sending in missives and begging letters to producers, some offering their services for free in a bid to be noticed, Chloe is delivering her job application in the national press.

Whether she is talented or not may depend on whom young Madeley-Finnegan marries. The Anorak suggests a coupling with Mark Wogan, TV chef son to Terry Wogan, or a modern romance with TV presenter Peaches Geldof, daughter to Bob Geldof.

Alternatively, Chloe could just stick with her brother Jack, with whom she presented episodes of last season’s Big Brother spin off Big Brother’s Big Mouth on the Chanel 4 network, on which her parents also feature…

, as the tea-time Telly twosome’s teenage daughter Chloe tells us that she wants to work in TV.

“I do want to work in TV,” says Chloe in the Express, “and I would like to present…But I want to start at the bottom and learn everything that way. I don’t want to trade in on my parent’s success.”

Problem is that while Chloe’s peers are sending in missives and begging letters to producers, some offering their services for free in a bid to be noticed, Chloe is delivering her job application in the national press.

Whether she is talented or not may depend on whom young Madeley-Finnegan marries. The Anorak suggests a coupling with Mark Wogan, TV chef son to Terry Wogan, or a modern romance with Peaches Geldof.

Alternatively, Chloe could just stick with her brother Jack, with whom she presented episodes of last season’s Big Brother spin off Big Brother’s Big Mouth on the Chanel 4 network, on which her parents also feature…

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Gemma Atkinson Splits From Double Act

gemma-atkinson_imagel.jpg“GEMMA – BOOBS LAUNCH OWN CAREER,” announces the Star on its front page, words hung in yellow ink beside a shot of bikini-encased Gemma Atkinson.

As with all facts, the Anorak likes to look at things from another angle, and suggests the alternative headlines: “GEMMA BOOBS GO IT ALONE”, “GEMMA ATKINSON DROPPED BY BOOBS” and “WE’RE SICK OF CARRYING GEMMA – BOOBS SPEAK OUT”.

Gemma’s boobs will be appearing as Jordan in Puss In Boots at the Raymond Revue Bar, Soho

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Paula Abdul Piss Taken

paula-abdul.jpgPAULA Abdul has this anecdote, she’d like to share with us: “Well, this is gross, but I was once at the gynaecologist and my doctor said, ‘We asked you to do a urine sample, so where is it?’

I told him that I’d left it out in reception, and when he came back he said, ‘This is really embarrassing but a man who works here is your biggest fan and he stole it.’ Needless to say he got fired. In hindsight it’s a funny story.”

In hindsight…

Pic: 14 

Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Private Moments With Cerys Matthews And Marc Bannerman

marc-cerys.jpgFROM rat’s gonad to love rat, Cerys Matthews was never going to be easily swayed from her deep and lasting love for fellow I’m A Celebrity jungler Marc Bannerman.

Now in “CERYS & MARC AT HOME FOR CHRISTMAS” OK! catches up with the twosome. “I DROVE SIX HOURS FOR OUR FIRST KISS – WE CAN’T BEAR BEING APART – SO I’VE MOVED TO WALES.”

Over the OK! Bush Telegraph, we are invited to join “The UK’s most controversial couple on their first date”.

Who decides on what is and is not controversial. A straw poll of the Anorak office reveals Marc and Cerys to be the UK’s Least Charming Couple; the UK’s Most Charming Couple, the UK’s Most Boring Couple, the UK’s Most Desperate Couple and the UK Couple Most Likely To Appear on Cirque Du Celebrity.

To OK!, however, they are the most controversial. And they are walking on the sands of Wales, holding hands and grinning in a way that suggests a) deep love; b) recreational drugs; or c) lockjaw.

Cerys is “beaming”. Marc is “delirious”.

They are sat at a bar. Says Cery’s of their first post-jungle meeting: “It was nice to be able to say what we were thinking without being watched.”

In OK!, Cerys pulls on a raincoat. She puts her hands in her pockets. Marc puts a hand on one of the pocket, too. He smiles. She smiles.

Says Marc: “I can’t understand why anyone would think I would be shallow or stupid enough to do it as a publicity stunt, it’s madness.”

And of the women who have spoken to the press about you, Marc? “It surprises me what women will do for money.”

“Cerys, how was it posing in your underwear for a Sunday newspaper?”

Cerys tells us she wants for her and Marc to “sing some old-time song together and learn a dance routine”.

And take ice-skating lessons, live in a house with cameras watching us for 12 weeks, harvest a pig’s semen, lose weight…

Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lapdancing Is The Saviour Of Mankind, And Posh And Becks

handjive.jpgUSED to nights in and out with Victoria, David Beckham may have spent the duration of he and his wife’s trip to a pole dancing club ogling the slender pole.

He may well have squeezed his wife’s hand and offered her a reassuring “Phwoarr!”

James Walsh, who was in the club when the Beckhams arrived, tells the Mirror: “I was having a dance and the girl I was with said she had just been with the Beckhams. I suppose that is the closest I’ll get to dancing with Victoria.”

Again our attention is captured by the pole.

And moreover by this the club-goer’s interpretation of the world “dance”. If there is one thing we have learnt from outings with Old Mr Anorak, our patron, it is that pole-dancing and lap-dancing require only one person to actually dance.

The male may care to hand jive or tap his toe but his efforts are otherwise not needed.

Indeed, the very appeal of such dancing venues is that they give the male dancer the chance to say that he has been dancing and enjoyed it without moving. The famously stiff Posh may also have enjoyed the dance.

In this season, men are required to dance at Christmas parties. The man can: a) stand in the middle of an already dancing group and be almost unnoticed; b) execute a comedy dance; or c) affect an injury and spend the night talking with the guys from the IT department.

But thanks to lap dancing all men can “go dancing” without fear of looking a sad, pathetic fool…

Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Warming To Paris Hilton

paris_champagne.jpgTHE Sun’s front-page news combines a picture of Paris Hilton dipped in gold paint and the headline “PARIS FOUND GILTY”.

Inside the paper and readers see Paris Hilton on all fours. She is naked but in what is believed to be a first, readers cannot see her vagina, buttocks nor breasts. “PARIS GILTON,” says the Mirror on its Page 3.

This more demure Paris is in California’s Mojave Desert for the Rich Water Foundation, whose stated aim is to source water from icebergs.

Look out for video footage of Paris bathing in foamy iceberg water and straddling an iceberg while scientists try to explain her popularity and global warming…

Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jade Goody Pulls A Cracker

jadegoody2ofdiamonds-732951.pngYESTERDAY, the papers reported that Prince Azim of Brunei had given Jade Goody a ring valued at £3million.

Today the Sun says the ring is worth £30,000. The initial appraisal may have been influenced by the prince’s gift of jewellery to singer Mariah Carey, which was valued at £3million.

Readers should note that Goody’s gift is worth a hundredth of the Carey trinket and wonder if the prince’s presents are index linked to the recipient’s talent.

And then wonder if Ms Goody should avoid wearing her ring in the bath…

Pic

Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Danielle Lloyd’s Orange Glow

danielle-lloyd_pale-pink-bikini.jpgSIGNS on the Daily Star’s front cover that the orangey cover that swaddles Danielle Lloyds’ body like the rind on a seasonal Satsuma renders her impervious to cold.

“Baby it’s cold outside,” says the Star’s front-page headline, “so let our hottie warm you up.”

Danielle is pictured in white bra and knickers and her trademark orange coating. “Ice one, Dani…,” says the paper.

The world is looking for alternative sources of insulation, what with rising energy prices and climate change. Might it be that Fake Bake keeps out the winter chill?

If so, we beseech the powers that be to make Orange Glow available free to all home owners, the homeless and OAPs. Or, failing that, deliver Danielle to your home and instruct her to stretch out her legs in the manner of a two-bar fire…

Posted: 13th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0