Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
The paper holds its nose as guests hotel in Bergen complain about the whiff of “weed” from the Winehouse room.
Police arrive. Blake Fielder-Civil, a man so edgy even his name sounds like a provincial solicitors’ practice, and one Alexander Foden are pinched. It is 7pm. In the Mirror it is “around 5pm”. Drugs can mess with your sense of time.
The Sun’s women in the corridor notes: “I’m told it looked like a scene from action movie Lethal Weapon.”
No experts in Norwigian crime, we wonder at the rightness of employing an LA cop with suicidal tendencies and his American sidekick to arrest the star. Might it be that Norway is not versed in celebrity and needs to call in the professionals?
“Spliffs,” says the Sun. A source says: “They are very strict about drug taking in Norway. With her past record they thought there was more than just a couple of spliffs. When she opened the hotel room door it was obvious she was wasted. She was mumbling and no one could understand her. She was co-operative and even let an officer in training look in her eyes so he could recognise how a person high on drugs looks.”
Norwegian police now know that a person “high” on drugs has a backcombed, enhanced beehive, a pair of breasts drawn in her arm and a concert tour to promote…
But a therapeutic interview was not Lohan’s first post-rehab move. Number one on the agenda was “to focus on my sobriety”.
Lindsay will imbibe Lindsay. As she tells us, the most important thing rehab taught her was “to focus on ourselves”.
Odd indeed that any Hollywood starlet should need to discover that it all about me. But rehab is less about teaching than re-connecting.
And should Lindsay Lohan relapse, one imagines any number of rehab centres will be on had to help Lindsay Lohan see what is truly important: Lindsay Lohan.
And now we learn over the wires that Britney Spears is losing contact with her kids again.
“Troubled Britney” is now forbidden from visiting with 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, both currently living with Spears’ ex- husband, Kevin Federline.
If Troubled Britney wants to see her children she must comply with a court order, Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon ruled. Or else wait to see them on TV confessional chat shows years from now.
In addition to ordering the twice-weekly drug tests, Gordon ordered Spears to spend eight hours per week working with a “parenting coach,” who was to observe her interactions with her children.
At once we see opportunity grasped from the jaws of loss. A TV show. And we too can look on and see how Britney functions with her kids. And if we look on via an HD TV set, we can see the minute details the newspapers might miss…
THE Tabloid headline of the day, as told by the National Enquirer, on the matter of Jennifer Aniston: “Her ex waxer tells all!”
Look out for the “Rachel cut” at a slon near you. Why? Because you’re worth it!
But we expect less than the venue’s parishoners, who expected so many pieces of silver.
As the Telegraph reports, St Mary’s was the venue for Stage 1 of the Liz Hurley wedding to Leeds’ very own Arun Nayar. And, as reported, the worshippers had expected to receive riches for Hurley’s use of the facilities. They are “upset”.
A Sue Williams, parish treasure, tells us: “We do normally charge a fee before a wedding blessing. There are a number of costs to cover, for the choir, the organist and vicar to attend, the bill normally would be in the region of £1,000.”
She adds: “Even the not well off make a financial donation.”
A spokesman for Hurley Home and Mr Liz says: “They’re hoping they’ll be finished in time for Christmas.”
We too. The thrill of kneeling on an actual Hurley Heeler as you give thanks and scrape blood and curry sauce from the carpet after the family dinner cannot be overstated…
The magazine goes on to advertise “93 ‘It’ Boots”, doubtless a nod to Heather Mills and anyone else with a spare leg.
But we stay with Beckham and see her entering a fashion show in Paris. She is late. Fashionably so. Buts, sadly, in last season’s fashion and there are boos and much noisy eye-rolling.
And a heated debate. A source hears Victoria’s people rowing with singer Kanye West’s people about who should arrive last at which show. Of course with this being fashion there are handbags. But all is made well when Victoria and Kanye agree to disagree and place one limb each into the same trouser leg and arrive together but apart.
It’s not about fashion, see. The Times’ fashion editor says it is all about branding. Not – repeat not – fashion. Branding is like getting dressed by committee.
Victoria should look like a clotheshorse but with much input she ends up resembling a camel, albeit one who gives everyone else the hump…
The message is clear: if you look like an iffy parent, not all that good with children, seek out someone who seems worse. Ian Huntley is in jail. Britney turns to Jackson.
As Britney is said to have told a source: “He never lost his kids.”
And: “Britney is hoping he might be able to help her out. And, of course, a few days out of the limelight at Neverland would also be revealing break.”
Neverland is Jackson’s former home in California. It offers sanctuary to Britney. As the Star reports, she is only able to spend one night a week with her two sons. And what better place to share their limited time together than at the former main residence of a man who hung onto his family despite dangling little Blanket over a balcony and facing child abuse allegation (not guilty)?
The kids will love it. But if the little Spears don’t fancy the trip in mum’s car, Britney could always borrow from her parenting mentor and hire a couple of stage school children or dwarves and equip them with head scarves and blankets.
And consider a tetanus shot before using the rides…
Know: “Hysterical BRITNEY SPEARS threatened to kill herself by driving off a CLIFF.”
We join the action as Troubled Britney is sat in a car with her estranged husband, Kevin Federline.
The NOTW sees Troubled Britney and K-Ferret motoring down Mulholland Drive. Our attention is draw toward “huge drop that line the bendy road”.
It is what Hollywood types call a Cliffhanger.
Troubled Britney turns to K-Ferret. Says she: “I’m going to drive off the cliff! It’s going to be your fault that I killed myself.”
The words resonate within the car – and reverberate the way to the NOTW’s offices in a less salubrious part of London.
And Troubled Britney’s battered white Fiat Uno drives on…
Others may mistake her for other beleaguered blondes in the news, namely Princess Diana and Kate McCann. But we can confirm that it is Heather and that she is blonde.
The Sun remains uncertain, however. It notes that ‘Heather’ arrived at London’s high court covered in a blanket.
And when inside the courtroom, chairs are pushed up against the door and the spy hole covered up with tape. The “giant wooden doors” are locked.
But it is Heather. We worked it out.
But in “WE CAN’T WORK IT OUT”, the Mirror says Mills and her estranged husband Paul McCartney have failed to reach a divorce settlement after eight hours of negotiations.
“They are still miles and miles apart,” says an insider.
But this is Paul McCartney, right? We’d recognise the man who told us that all you need is love anywhere?
He’s leaving the court. He’s flashing the crowd a ‘V’ for victory smile. He’s still got a shirt on his back. And he’s leading one and all in a spiritual rendition of Dear Prudence…
SAYS Coronation Street’s Simon Gregson of his showcased son Alfie: “Yes, he wasn’t planned at all. We reckon he was conceived on the OK! engagement shoot we did!”
Whoah! Save it for the kiss ‘n’ tell, Simon. OK! is a family magazine (the family being the Jordan-Andres) and though many a child must have been sired in view of the glossy pages, we need to move on.
Emma?” My waters broke when we were walking the dogs at 10:30 at night.” That’s better. Stick to euphemisms. “I had to be induced in the end…It was a pretty bad week and I was in denial. I kept saying: ‘My bladder’s playing up!’”
And then: “My back wasters had broken but not my front waters,” says Emma.
We have no idea what she means. Matron!
BRITNEY Spears remains “Troubled“. Troubled Britney Spears” is in the Star on account of her having told “stunnded pals”, who confided in OK! USA: “I don’t give a sh*t any more. I never wanted them in the first place.”
We make no apologies for the censoring of “sh*t”.
We are all too aware that the kind of people who read OK! and the Daily Star, two organs owned by Richard Desmond’s stable, would not appreciate stumbling upon vulgarity. The Express being “THE WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER”.
As such , we advise them against looking at Demsond’s other productions, namely Television X (featuring Filipino Sucky Fucky), Red Hot TV (Barely legal beauties) and the sink of filth that is Talk Sport radio…
It was BBC man Buerk’s lot to journey to Ethiopia and beam back pictures of the starving and the displaced. It was painful viewing.
And the Star lacks Buerk’s gravitas, although it makes a decent fist of showing Winehouse on a night out with less-than-weighty Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen.
And there’s Amy’s husband Blake Fielder–Civil, a man who sounds like a provincial solicitor practice and dressed in grey blazer, black jeans and beige Burberry raincoat looks not unlike a provincial solicitor.
The Star reports that he “did the chivalrous thing” and escorted skinny model Lily Cole home after a night out. Or as the Mirror puts it: “HEARTBREAKER – Amy’s man storms off with top model.”
Amy has flown into a “jealous rage”. She and Blake have engaged in a “massive bust-up”. They are locked in a toilet cubicle at London’s Harvey Nichols department store. They are “screaming at each other”.
“People waiting to use the loos were just standing there open-mouthed”, says the Star. (Well, when you’ve got to go…)
Anyone wishing to enlarge upon this story is invited to do so with some urgency…
The Sun republishes a picture of the Hoff waiting to board a flight at Heathrow Airport with “what appeared to be a large stain on his trousers”. The perils of pulling on tight-fitting jeans over wet swimming trunks cannot be overlooked. And The Hoff should care not to make the same mistake twice.
But he is off the wagon. And we are left to wonder if it was a talking wagon and one able to call the tabloid press?
The Big Brother star emeritus is getting ready. We see her dressed only in her knickers and bra (matching) and pulling up a pair of fishnet stockings.
Inside, spread over the Star’s centre-crease, Chanelle is “Chanelle No.1”. She is launching her own perfume. Called Simply Chanelle, the scent features top notes of used hankie, fresh tissue and bottom notes of out-the-box PVC.
“I’m really pleased with it,” says Chanelle. “I chose the name and chose loads and loads of different samples.”
And, of course, Chanelle hopes she will beat smelly’ Posh’s own signature odour. The two women look a little alike, and it is hoped that the addition of branded scents will help one and all differentiate between the two. And stop David Beckham from making a terrible mistake…
The that is underlined. It is not this feud nor is it the other feud. It is that feud. When it comes to feuding, Sarah Jessica is one up on Cliff Barnes and JR Ewing. If thar’s a-feudin’ to be done, Sarah Jessica Parker’s the gal to do it.
And turning the page, we read “SJP: ‘HOW I ENDED THAT FEUD”’ and learn that SJP “couldn’t be happier”.
Many feuds end with one party enacting a revenge killing, a Japanese katakiuchi, an eye for an eye, a Moldavian massacre.
“I really wanted it to happen,” says SJP, and it was a bitter pill to swallow that it didn’t happen for so long.”
Such is way of a vendetta. Patience is all. You may wait one, two or three generations, but blood will out. Blood will be spilled. You will have your day.
So here is SJP stood in NY, meeting the SATC gang. Can you repair the damage of a friendship lost? Can you be bosom buddies again. Can you… etc. etc.
“Making the show was one of the best experiences of my professional life,” says SJP. “It gave single women a voice and showed that being single is not a disease.”
Those among us who stand in the precinct on a Friday night and hear single women crack out a lusty rendition of It’s Raining Men on their way to the STD clinic, may question SJP’s pioneering credentials.
But SJP is in conciliatory mood, and we do not want to raise her hackles, lest she begin a feud with us…
LAST week we brought you notice of Troubled Britney Spears’ penchant for doing “frappucchino”.
And now the Mirror and Star both report that Troubled Spears is getting wasted on the brew, spilling the concoction down her dress.
And what is that but a waste?
“Oops,” says the Mirror. “I spilled it again.”
Following the news that Britney Spears had inquired about becoming a bartender at the Viceroy hotel, this is another savage blow to her ambitions. But as reported, one day later, Extra TV claimed TMZ’s Bartendin’ Britney story was bogus.
Meanwhile, Holy Candy was busy preparing this comprehensive Britney Spears resume.
And the Mirror is looking at the stains to her reputation, and to her dress…
“OOH LA LARGE!” it oozes. Inside: “Posh is in Seine.”
That’s a pun on the city’s river, the Seine. Readers might recognise the river from the ensuing Rugby World Cup, also in Paris, and the Princess Diana inquest tour, ditto.
It is no coincidence that Her Poshness is in Paris, evoking both the spirit of Diana’s celebrity in her choice of outfits and the rugby as the media scrum is invited to track her every move.
Although she threatens to move into the Jennifer Aniston Zone to her left and the Jolie Area to her underneath. As the headline goes Britney “GAINS 42lbs”.
Like you, we have no idea what 42lbs is, having gone metric when Angelina Jolie was in Paris.
But it sounds a lot. And there is every reason to believe that Britney is growing up with her audience, moving effortlessly from lithe-limbed blonde American schoolgirl to large-limbed, heavy-set American woman.
As such, she should embrace her changing shape. Or as a source puts it: “She grabs the fact on her stomach and thighs and says she wishes it would melt off.”
Such is the way of the Hollywood Hills, that there is every chance to believe the couple are dating, soon-to-be-collaborating on a rom-com movie and consulting the Book of Revelations for baby names.
In “ROMANCE BLOOMS”, readers see that both Jen and Orlando love the beach. Jen loves hers. Orlando loves his. And one day they may even share a beach, a possibility the Enquirer encourages with its front-page graphic.
Their relationship promises to develop into an “open romance”.
Jen and Orlando are in Mexico. They are “staring blissfully into each other’s eyes”.
They are dining on a patio in their swimsuits. They share the same manager, one Aleen Keshishan.
Who remains tantalisingly out of shot, and is very possibly on the beach…
As the Sun’s front page announces: “JUST AS DIANA JURY ARRIVES IN PARIS…POSH PUTS ON THE RITZ.”
It takes a special kind of talent to gatecrash a funeral, but then Diana’s passing has taken ten years and there was every chance unexpected guests would arrive to steal the show.
So here is Victoria Beckham wearing a feathery red dress. The Sun gives readers “An Eiffel of Posh”, as La Beckham “unwittingly strolled through a makeshift ‘courtroom’ set up fro the inquest into Diana’s death”.
“It was amazing,” says an onlooker. “She was the last person you expected to see.”
For sure. But there is a neat symmetry in the inquest into one celebrity princess being upstaged by the arrival of another.
And then there is Victoria’s own personal tragedy as her father-in-law Ted recovers from a heart attack. “It was greatly appreciated,” says Posh in the Mirror in reference to the overwhelming support, the flowers and the minute’s silence. “The clothes I’m wearing are incredible.”
This is the Mail’s front page “Posh’s walk-on part at the Diana inquest”.
And as she drives off, we wish her bon voyage and god speed…
14 says: Diddy recently launched Unforgivable, his new fragrance for women.
Ads featuring Doodles Diddy biting, pawing and groping attractive young women caused so much controversy that even MTV refused to air the racy TV commercial unless Diddy agreed to make edits to tone it down.
Of course, Diddy refused. No one tells Diddy what to do.
The toothy mogul mumbled something about the type of women he had in mind when he “created” the fragrance. “She’s strong, she’s into fashion, a woman who’s sensual and passionate, and a quiet woman. A woman who picks the words she chooses carefully, and when she speaks she says what she means.”
Interesting how Diddy goes to so much trouble describing the way he prefers women to communicate. I can just hear him, “Shhh, quiet down ‘lil lady. Here’s some money, why don’t you go shopping for something sexy and when you come home, I’ll grope you in the hallway. Run along now, and don’t come home until you’ve piped down.”
Not since Arlo Guthrie flew into Los Angeles has a trip been so welcomed by one and all.
“I think Britney’s lost the plot,” says Sharon Osbourne. “She must get some therapy.”
Sharon Lynne Osbourne is not related to Britney, and her views may or may not be valid. But she is a mother and judge on the X Factor TV show and that must count for something.
This is all part of “Another quiet weekend in the crazy world of Britney Spears”.
The Sun records all. On Friday, Britney went clothes shopping. She then got into car and went to a hotel. The hotel is five stars.
Britney buys a packet of Werther’s original sweets and toy Halloween pumpkins. For this purchase, Britney swapped her “busty dress” (?) for a tracksuit.
The colour of this tracksuit is not recorded, nor whether it was busty. But when we know, you’ll know…
JAMIE Oliver, native of Essex, is to launch “’authentic’ Italian restaurant chain”.
Anorak has been to Italy and noted that the successful restaurant chains are called L’Insalata Ricca, Brek and McDonalds.
As the Guardian reports, Jamie’s Italian will be your neighbourhood Italian restaurant. Jamie says the food will be “prepared with love”. Or “wiv larv”, as they say in Jamie’s Italy…
Anorak has been compiling a list of epithets, as part of our Tabloid Dictionary. To date we have “rubber-faced Rowan Atkinson”, “anguished Kate McCann” and “troubled Britney Spears”.
Britney Spears has not been up to much of late. Her songs are bad, her dancing worse. And her school uniform is in Comfi Slax range. But Troubled Britney has been making headlines.
Today, Troubled Britney is in the Sun. As readers learn: “TROUBLED BRITNEY SPEARS may face a legal battle to keep custody of her DOGS.”
The head of animal rights charity Peta has asked Britney’s estranged husband Kevin Federline to pursue an order for care of her Yorkie called London and chihuahuas Lucky, Lacy and Bit-Bit.
As reported: “Ingrid Newkirk said Britney, 25, had failed to have London treated after his leg was broken when he was stepped on.”
No further details are given, the Sun correctly realising that its readers are representative of this nation of dog lovers and can only stand so much.
As for calling her Yorkshire Terrier London, we urge calm in the People’s Republic of Yorkshire and lobby Troubled Britney to rename the creature something more in keeping with that locale and her own career, such as Leeds, Nafferton and Little Weighton…
In years to come, Anorak will be invited to nod its head on TV’s I Love The Noughties show and explain to the masses A) Who Britney Spears was and B) what a frappuccino is and what role it played in the life of A.
It won’t be easy. But on hand to help will be the son or daughter of a celebrity reminiscing about how mum used to take them to Starbucks after school, and get TWO granola breakfast muffins for a fiver! And we will be joined by Lilly Allen.
Ms Allen knows much about Spears, at least enough to tell the Mirror that her “heart goes out to her. I feel that she must be in a tough place right now. It’s really upsetting.”
That tough place is, as we have seen, a frappuccino outlet. And, indeed, it is nothing if it is not upsetting.
And Lilly has been there and done that. “I was 19 when I started doing this, so I can’t imagine what it muse be like for her,” says she.
Indeed, doing frappuccino is not something to be taken lightly, and to our mind Lilly took risks but was of legal age. And survived.
“I can’t imagine what it must be like for her. She must feel like: ‘God I need to get away.’”
I need to get a blend of ice and a mix constituted of coffee, water, milk, and various syrups…