Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
“Dani’s NEW boobs,” says the front-page headline. “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”. “From Celeb BB to a “32DD!”
If the Star was printed on scented paper, readers would be met by the smell of a newly opened box of shoes.
But the Star is not a multi-sensory experience, just a feast for the eyes. It is not sprayed with Eau De Dani (top notes of orange, bottom notes or orange and middle notes of Oxo cube and chicken blood).
Moreover, the Star is not printed on tissue paper. And readers move to the centre pages and note, disappointingly, that Dani’s new breasts are attached to Dani’s old body.
And they remain under wraps.
Dani, dressed in only a pair of pink knickers, leans on her front, her nipples concealed from view. Dani sits up and uses a knee and two hands to cover her chest. Dani pulls a strip of the kind of meshed material used to pack Gallia melons on shipping crates over her chest and crotch.
And it becomes evident that we are not seeing Dani’s news breasts. They are either shy or not yet set firm.
So Dani introduces them by word. Says she: “Now I’ve got these great curves and I’m ready to show myself off to the world.”
Dani thanks Star readers for the “flood of messages” sent her way. “I’ve had a lot of messages wishing me better,” says Dani.
And Star readers have got their wish because Dani is better than ever. Thanks top two boob upgrades in the past month, Dani is better to the tune of 32DD. Dani says this is her “perfect size”.
And this is not all. Says Dani: “I’m learning really fast and I think I’ve got a 70—year-old’s head on my shoulders these days.”
Indeed, it’s not hard to imagine Dani walking down the swankier parts of Liverpool’s Albert Dock marina with the head of a 70-year-old ex-footballer resting on her shoulder, his mouth chomping on little blue diamond-shaped pills and dribbling down her new cleavage.
So says the Sun.
Jackiey Bunden, for it is she, is aboard a packed flight from Gatwick airport to Jamaica.
Passenger Steve Mitchell is also onboard. Steve is a financial controller.
Says he: “She was effing and blinding about not being fed, she was so loud the whole plane was bothered. I asked to be moved four times.”
And not moved closer to the celebrity but, one imagines, further away.
Adds Steve: “The supervisor had to be called. She was told in no uncertain terms that we would divert.”
Where the plane would have diverted to is not revealed. But it is thought the airline missed an opportunity to drop Jackiey onto Greenland.
Dressed in her stinging nettle bikini…
BIG Brother’s Danielle Lloyd is seeing Arsenal defender Armand Traore.
At just 17 years of age and French-by-design, coffee-hued Traore may well be oblivious to Lloyd’s track record.
But if he reads the Sun he can see learn that Danielle’s once dated former England footballer Teddy Sheringham, who was 17 when Roland Rat was introducing breakfast telly, Michael Jackson was playing Thriller and young lads were finding uses for a bath full of Matey.
Teddy is said to have pulled 18-year-old Nicole Eve. “I’ve met Teddy and we exchanged text. But it’s not serious.”
Teddy is 41, an age when even an itchy groin can be potentially serious.
But we are not here to judge. Congratulations to once and all. Let’s hop it works out. And if it doesn’t, Daniele’s may care to note that Arsenal’s football summer school kicks off as soon as mum drops off the stars of tomorrow….
BIG BROTHER is to be blown up.
The Star’s front page (“B.BRO BIG BLOW”) reports that in the Big Brother finale the house will be blown to smithereens.
Interesting stuff. And readers wonder if a jihadist will feature among this year’s housemates. Is the house to be blown up by this terrorist with all the inmates within? Or is it to be destroyed by a British bomber with a pinpoint missile strike?
Either way, casualties will be high. And we urge Big Brother to reconsider. The drive for more sensation should not be allowed to go too far.
Of course, on the upside, Big Brother will finally have to bite the bullet and replace Davina McCall as the show’s presenter.
But before the panic, and that emergency call to Kate Thornton, we learn that the truth may be less dramatic. The house’s planning permission expires on August 31. This is when Big Brother 8 ends.
After five years the show is moving to a new site. And this means the old house can either be moved brick by crock or destroyed.
As a source says: “The house has got to go and what better way to end the show than to have the place blown up or bring in a digger to demolish it?”
We begin to wonder. And we think that the best way to end the show would be for the BB house to remain in situ and handed over to Jade Goody and kin before being sealed shut.
What do you think the Big Brother house should become? Answers to usual address…
In “Big SISTER”, the Star sees “Dani & Shilpa reunite on the red carpet”.
The carpet is not red because it has been steeped in the Big Brother agonists’ blood, or from the seeping wound on Dani’s legs. This is the London premier of Shilpa’s new film and Dani has arrived to offer her support.
“It’s a very special night for me,” says Dani, who does not feature in the film. “I’m so excited to be able to be here for Shilpa. Meeting her has been an amazing experience for me.”
The Sun has a picture of Shilpa, looking elegant and graceful, being swallowed up by Dani’s all-embracing bear hug. Dani smiles broadly. Her hands are clasped around Shilpa’s back, like a drowning woman finding salvation.
Shilpa wears a Sari with a bared midriff. Dani wears a black dress with bared legs, arse and newly enhanced cleavage.
“The last time I saw her was at the Celebrity Big Brother after-show party,” says Dani. “Someone took a Polaroid picture of us together with Shilpa’s mum. Now I keep it on my bedroom wall and it makes me smile.”
Perhaps Shilpa could pop round to chez Danielle and sign this happy snap. That way in years to come when Danielle has grown old – apart from her eternally youthful breasts, obviously – she can look at the picture and remember those great days when she was labelled a bigot and a bully.
One for the grandchildren…
THEY said it would never last and they were right. Pete Bennett, aka Pete “Wankers” Bennett, has split from his band.
As reported over the news wires, Bennett is no longer fronting Daddy Fantastic and will embarking on a solo venture.
Coincidence indeed that with Big Brother 8 all set to begin, last year’s winner has signed with Guy Chambers, the songwriter who worked with Robbie Williams when the former Take That performer was any good.
Says a source: “This was totally unexpected and Pete has completely stabbed his bandmates in the back. They gave him their full backing in the Big Brother house. Now they’re gutted. They never thought he’d do this.”
No word yet from Pete. And we can only imagine what that word will be…
In “DANI PAINTS THE TOWN BLOOD RED,” the Star spots Dani blowing £5,000 on a night out to celebrate “dumping” footballer Marcus Bent.
Dani is drinking Cristal champagne at London’s Paper club. A song comes on the juke box. This, says the Star, is her favourite. To the strains of what we imagine to be A Whiter Shade of Pale, Dani mounts a table and makes ready to dance.
The Star sees Dani lose her balance. But over at the Sun (“DANI HURT IN CATFIGHT OVER TWO PREM ACES”), Danielle is pushed off the table by a “mystery blonde”.
Dani is said to have angered this girl by flirting with footballers Jerome Thomas and Jermaine Pennant.
A source tells us: “This girl had spent all evening with them and was dancing on a table when Danielle rolled up, very drunk. Danielle was all over both the players. She kept pushing and bumping into the girl.”
“The blonde pushed Danielle off the table. Danielle cut her leg quite badly and left the club.”
Readers note that Danielle’s leg bleeds a red blood, same as you and me, same as Shilpa Shetty. Possibly the same Jade Goody, whose blood is believe to resemble a thick Chicken Masala sauce.
“B.BRO BED & WED PLOT,” screams the Star’s headline.
Grab a hat, or failing that a condom and inflate it over your head, as we trip along to the first Big Brother wedding.
The paper says the show needs a happy event after the bullying and the racism of the last series. And failing Jade Goody’s televised stoning, what better way to bring good cheer than a wedding?
Says a source: “They want to have it in the house, but if that’s not possible the lucky couple will be blindfolded and whisked to a secret location.”
They will then exchange “I dos” before the gay farmer from Coquet island and a transsexual pet camel called Trinny are pronounced man and wife.
In “THE BIG EYE-DEA” the Mirror hears from designer Daniel Eatock. He tells us that the brief was to “embrace all colours within the spectrum, opposites, complimentaries and all shades in between.”
That sounds a tricky challenge, until you realise that all a designer need to is take a look at the old BBC Testcard that used to stand for reality TV before 24-hour telly arrived.
And ensure the teddy being thrashed at a game of noughts and crosses by that blonde white girl isn’t a gollywog…
REMEMBER Nikki Grahame, the shrill half-person from last year’s Big Brother who looked like a boil washed Vanessa Feltz?
If you had forgotten her, we apologise for reminding you of her.
The Star does recall the horror and it pictures Nikkkkkkki kissing a blonde at her 25th birthday bash.
Nikki’s kiss is closed mouth and aimed just above her target’s lips, at an area called the Immac zone.
Nikki is not available for comment. Which is good…
BIG Brother 8 will have LOADSA shagging. Loadsa fighting. But not loadsa fagging.
As reported, Big Brother housemates who dare to light up a cigarette in the house will be hit with a £200 fine.
The law on smoking in enclosed public spaces is set to come into force in England on July 1 and Big Brother must comply.
Says a source: “The housemates will have to learn that if they light up in the house they won’t just get a ticking off from BB. It will hit them in the pocket.”
So from the promise of sex, Big Brother has a new way to turn viewers onto show – Tune in for live smoking.
Of course, if the contestants do smoke, Big Brother could be liable for a £2,500 fine, which makes us wonder if they will show it. Or only show smoking when the ratings are in need of a boost..?
We are ramping up for the latest BB season and so there are some changes afoot !
Well, according to the Telegraph, the once ground-breaking channel may be forced into producing even more cheap, money-spinning shows such as Big Brother after profits fell by over two-thirds in a year.
The broadcaster’s annual report revealed that despite seeing an increase in overall revenue, to £937 million, and increasing its overall audience share by over 10 per cent, loss of advertising revenue along with the apparent rising costs of programme making have hit the company hard.
Channel 4 chairman Luke Johnson is, not surprisingly, concerned. Says he: “Unless we receive some form of assistance we may be faced with a stark choice, either we will have to reduce our output of public-service programming and focus more of our schedule on commercial programmes, or see Channel 4′s finances continue to deteriorate.”
Expect to see Shilpa Shetty, Gordon Ramsey, Gillian McKeith and Sarah Beeny in a new naked celebrity cookery/makeover/property show in the coming months.
Danielle is surely aware that with a new batch of wannabes waiting in a holding bay in Belgium her fame is entering its thirteenth minute.
But before Danielle becomes the next Chantelle Houghton (who?), the Star wants to tell us about her “new op shock”.
The shock is not that Danielle arrived at hospital to find the official operating garment was a Stars And Stripes bikini (see Star cover), but that her breasts are to go under the knife one more time.
Dani has had new airbags fitted to her chest. And to make sure they don’t sag, fall off or start dispensing hot and cold beverages via each nipple, she is heading back to have them checked out.
As Anorak readers know, last time out Dani coordinated the removal of a pea-sized lump of gristle from one breast with a new breast fitting.
“There is no cancer scare,” says Dani. Star readers are relieved – and concerned that Dani does not go on to scotch rumours that she has leprosy, syphilis and any number of other diseases.
“I just want to make sure all the Daily Star readers know I’m okay,” says Dani thoughtfully.
But we have no proof. As the Star says, while the glue on her new breasts sets, she is unable to drive or work.
And with Big Brother starting in a month, we fear we may only have time to see Dani’s new chest once or twice before it is obscured behind so many new bosoms.
Having been turned on to gays and a boy with an Asbo, the Star now looks at the “freak show”.
Get a load of the “gay guy with a split tongue”. And that “butch cross-dresser”. And that blonde girl with the terrible teeth.
And someone with glasses who looks like he’s called Tim and works in IT.
These are some of the nutty nutcases in the final 100.
And there are more. There’s a lad who – get this – is “up for a scrap”. And a “girl boarder on the prowl for sex”.
For our entertainment, the lad had passes up the chance to brawl in a cavernous theme pub and the girl has put on hold her Gonorrhoea Or Bust tour of Faliraki.
And on Big Brother you start paying…
Rarely in the field of human endeavour has a proclamation of war been issued by a woman wearing a black bra and knickers – knickers on the point of being ingested by Dani’s rear armies.
But Danielle was always a mould breaker – B-cup, DD–cup, E-cup; there’s no pigeon-holing this one.
Inside the paper and Danielle reveals that she will conquer the United States with her, well, her conkers.
Says Dani: “I’m so excited, I can’t wait to conquer the States. I want to meet up again with Paris. I met her at the Bond premiere in London earlier this year and she was so sweet. She’s a really nice girl and we got on well.”
What odds that Danielle will soon be by Paris Hilton’s side, showing the Americans how when it comes to flashing privates in public, the British are the world’s foremost force.
But Dani’s ambitions are even greater. In this modern take on the Mouse That Roared, Dani’s full thrust aims high.
Says she: “It would be amazing to see my Hollywood idols like Cameron Diaz. She started out modelling and she’s now one of the best actresses in the world.”
Can Dani be the next Cameron Diaz?
“I’d really like to go into acting,” says she. “I’ve been offered a few small parts, some film roles, but I haven’t had time to look at the scripts properly yet.”
Dani in a film with a script… Who knew?
She adds: “When I’m less busy, I’ll get around to it.”
And Dani is busy. Danielle has a country to invade, 300 million people to tame and make bend to her will.
Venture forth, brave Dania. We’re right behind you – three thousand miles behind you. Goodbye! Goodbye? God speed!
And so we read on the Star’s front page of “BIG ASBO” and how this season’s show is to feature a “lawless teen yob with an Asbo”.
This 18-year-old, who might or might not be the same youth offering Star readers the use of his middle finger, has a history of shoplifting and abusing neighbours.
He should be a wow when it comes to stirring up trouble and nothing short of a sensation when it comes to the show’s shopping task.
Only enough money left for shiny loo rolls and desiccated coconut? No problem. This boy wonder will return with chocolate bars, a rack of navy blue trousers and the cash register from Mr Patel’s shop.
Picture: Yorkshire Soul
SAYS Lily Allen on Victoria Beckham in the Star (Pic: The Spine): “She never ever smiles.
It’s always the same expression with her lips stuck out as far as she can push them.
I’m going to put Vaseline on them to make her smile next time there’s a camera.
Then we can find out whatever it is she’s hiding in her mouth.”
What is in Vicky’s mouth?
The show that promises to be the last word in Funeral Rock already boasts a line sure to have the living empathising with the resting Diana.
The Queen of Hearts memorial gig will feature James Blunt, Sir Elton John, Duran Duran, Andrew Lloyd Webber and the English National ballet.
Death does not come any more compelling.
But now, as the Sun reports, the line up will be pebble-dashed by Lily Allen.
As the Sun notes, private-school educated Allen will “have to watch her language” is she is to appear before the royals.
Allen will surely have to learn to swear with more gusto if she is to keep up with the royals…
As ever, the run up to a new series of Big Brother is heralded with the threat of live sex.
Last series, the bigotry and bullying was a far bigger story than Jade Goody and her mute lover Jack Tweed’s night time emissions. Indeed, a straw poll of the Anorak offices reveals that the team would rather have seen petrol bombs thrown than Goody in a state of arousal.
Jackiey Budden’s nylon tea-bag swimsuit was more than enough for many to stand.
He’s A Big Brother
But still the promise/threat of loadsa shagging comes. And in a bid to up the chances of one contestant having sex with another on camera, the Star says seven housemates are bisexual.
Says an insider: “We want our eighth series to be full of camp fun and frolics.”
So it’s not just going to be boy-girl sex but gay sex and, possibly, a gay orgy.
“DOES BIG BROTHER NEED MORE GAY HOUSEMATES?” asks the Star. Readers are invited to give their answers via the phone, calling numbers for “Yes”, “No” and “I’m free”.
But no matter what you think, the Star says the show’s “bosses” have examined old footage and found gay and lesbian housemates to be the most entertaining.
Who knew, eh? Who knew that Danielle Lloyd, Jade Goody, Jo O’Meara and even Shilpa Shetty were all lesbians? And what of George Galloway MP? You really cannot tell.
Readers are reminded of the shows former openly gay winners Brian Dowling and transsexual Nadia Almada.
Big Brother: White Supremacy
But surely the big question is not the sexual orientation of the housemates but their races?
The Star says this show may well feature “a Greek art student, an Asian teacher, a disabled woman and a gobby chav” – the foreign, the impaired and the poor.
With the Others in the main house, six other contestants will dress in white and enter a white room. The two agonists who can last longest in this “world of white” will go into the house proper.
The fear is these contestants will have learned from the last Big Brother show, find the white house to their liking and never want to leave…
Today Jade is on the cover of the Star. And, as ever, it is bad news. “JADE IN BOTTLE ATTACK HORROR,” says the headline. “Big Bro Bully’s bloody battle.”
The grim news is that Jade has been caught up in what the Star is calling a “horrific glassing attack”.
In a Camus-esque scene of cutting edges and anger, “the Big Brother bully watches in terror as a clubber lunged forward with a jagged broken bottle – and blood flowed from a six-inch wound.”
Has Jade been punctured? Those breasts don’t come cheap.
Thankfully, Jade is unhurt, at least physically. The mental scars may take little longer to heel, although there is every reason to expect that Jade does not dwell on such matters, or any matters.
Reading on, we learn the victim of this alleged assault is one Jerome Simeon, of boyband unspecified.
Journey with us to the VIP section of Sky club in Ware, Hertfordshire. All of Ware’s most notable notables are there – Mr Bun from the Baker’s, the man who can blow vodka out thought his tear ducts and one of Hertfordshire’s leading Dale Winton impersonators.
And now we are at St Albans’s Crown Court, listening in as Simeon gives evidence against one Zoe Sigorney, 28, a hairdresser. It is alleged that Sigorney did smash a beer bottle over Simeon’s head and then drag the broken remains across his face.
Sigorney claims to be the victim in a case of mistaken identity.
And here comes Jade to tell all. As Ian Wade, prosecuting tells the court: “She witnessed what happened and will give her account in her own style. We all know her life has gone through turmoil and knowing her as you do you will consider her evidence in that light.”
In other words, try not to hiss her every word and give Simeon a chance…
Or to put it another way: “SHILPA SHETTY – Bollywood Babe is to star in Oz Big Bruv” (Star).
Can it be that having been made battle-hardened by her time locked in the Big Brother compound with Jade Goody and her gang of ne’er-do-wells, Shilpa is now ready to face a nation of Jades?
Oh, come, come. We men and women of the world realise that the Australian image of rough-tough men playing sport in boob tubes and hot pants is out of touch with today’s modern smoothy-drinking, tea-total Australia.
But Shilpa may believe Britain exported its worst elements to Australia. If Jade was deemed good enough to remain in Blighty then what hellish beings await the reality TV star in the far-flung colonies?
But Shilpa is a game girl. And though many believed she’d rather lick Jade clean of curry sauce than revisit a Big Brother compound, she is primed and ready to go.
The show’s executive producer tells the Star that Shilpa’s presence as a special guest star will “liven up the show”. Says he: “You have to throw in a few hand grenades.”
Then run back out the door like Leo Sayer…
A cross makes the spot for Dani. And what Star reader cannot help but feel the stirrings of patriot fervour as they set sight on Dani?
What is more, the “patriotic model” is backing the move to have St George’s Day made a Bank Holiday.
There was a time when the flag of St George looked lost to the bigots and racists but with Dani now fluttering it between her legs, it is being reclaimed for decency.
Says Dani in the Star: “I think national saints days are very important and should be celebrated.
“I’ll be celebrating with everyone today and I support the campaign for it to be a Bank Holiday just like France has Bastille Day.”
Indeed. If St Bastille, patron saint of French prison break-outs, can be celebrated with a day off from the rigours of the 35-hour French working week, then surely the English can have a day off for our foremost slayer of dragons.
All for one and one for all, cry for Dani, England and St George!
“I’m keeping my finger’s crossed it’ll be OK,” says Big Brother bully emeritus Danielle Lloyd.
In these trying times, we urge readers to put away their arcane ideas of Danielle being a charmless, blow-up-breasted bigot and concentrate on her essential humanity.
As reported earlier on these pages, Dani has found a pea-sized limp of non-cancerous tissue in one of her breasts. Now she is to have it treated. And doctors will also check on “two tiny moles”.
“I’m really nervous right now about the operation,” says Danielle,” wearing a leopard-print- bikini-styled surgical gown. “I’m just keeping my fingers crossed right now that everything is going to be OK.”
But Danielle should not worry. She should focus on her new post-op pea-free life. And to her new breasts.
Such are the miracles of modern surgery that while under the knife, Dani will have her breast implants updated.
This is not to make Dani yet more pneumatic but in response to “medical advice”. The Star says these news implants are “healthier”.
And, one imagines, much larger than a pea…
Hilton, famed for his gossip website, is posing with Goody in London. This is Perez’s Postcard from London feature. And here he is posing with a typical Londoner.
Had we not known who Hilton was, Anorak could have mistaken him for one of Goody’s relatives – the build, the nose, the smile are all in the Goody mould.
There the couple go in the back of a rickshaw in typical Anglo-Indian fashion. Says Perez: “We had a lovely day getting to know Jade, who has her own plans of trying to conquer America – like David & Victoria Beckham and Jordan and Peter Andre.”
We can imagine the damage goody could cause arriving at New York brandishing a kebab and demanding that all kowtow to her.
But Perez has erred. In sidling up the Big Brother bigot, he has managed to associate himself with the one woman no-one else in showbiz wants to know. That’s quote a coup.
And even bigger news when at the same time Jade is meeting Hilton in the Star, the Sun shows her sitting in the back of a flat-back truck in Tobago.
With lover Jack and sons Bobby, Jade waits for help after a 33,000-volt pylon fell to the ground close to a pool where Bobby an his brother Freddie were playing.
It seems that a drink driver had hit a pylon. And this hours after a fire broke out near her holiday villa. Coincidence?
Whatever the reasons for this string of disasters, the area needs to be evacuated. And Jade can be seen sitting on the back of a truck waiting for a lift to safety.
Once more, we remind you, this is on the same say she is pictured with Perez Hilton in London.
Is this how Jade plans to conquer America, by stealth and with any Army of look-alikes at her command?
America – we have you surrounded…