Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
ICHEA is not bovvered. Look at her face. Go on. Look at it. “They get on my f*ckin’ nerves,” she says. So she is bovvered. But she’s not an “ar*e sucker”. She’s not bovvered. She thinks Ziggy’s going for a “Tom Tank” in the Diary Room. Would this be a Big Brother first? And he’s sleeping next to Charley. He better not wake up “with his ar*e in my face”, says Charley. Why? For hitherto stated reasons? Or because Charley might mistake it for her hair?
EMILY had her first pair of skinny jeans three and half years ago. I had mine in 1976! In your face.
ARE the Germans in the adverts to make us like the housemates more? What the Germans think we think of them here
“YOU’RE cool as cats,” Ziggy tells Carole. Or at least as cool as a woman who lives with lots of cats…
“Every time I go out, I get told I look like someone new. Javine, Alesha from Misteeq, Destiny’s Child…”
…Charlie Richardson, Kieran Richardson, Kieran Dyer, Kier Hardy…
Spare Ziggy has been set the task of speed dating each housemate with a meal. And the burning question: if Chanelle is Victoria Beckham, will she eat? And will she say how she eat like a horse – you can lead a mare to water but you can’t make her retain the stuff…
ON Emily Parr in the People:
POSH Big Brother blonde Emily Parr gets her kicks from cocaine and kinky lesbian sessions, The People can reveal.
Pretty Emily, 19, looks every inch the middle-class graduate – but behind the well-spoken image she is a party girl spending up to £100 a night on cocaine.
“But?” Middle-class graduate spends money on cocaine? Can it be so..?
SAM and Amanda Marchant can sing. They can dance. They can walk in a straight-ish line…
BIG Brother’s Pinky & Perky, Amanda and Sam Marchant, are the subject of much polemic in the News of the World.We join the action after “a night of booze”. Lee Cowan is in bed with Amanda (Pinky & Perky)” at the home of the girls’ mum Janet. Unbeknownst to the lads the girls have swapped beds to see if their lovers notice any difference between them.
“It’s every man’s fantasy to be with a girl and her identical twin sister,” says Lee, an incest enthusiast. “Well, my mate Rich Minor and I lived it for real. These girls love sex. Sam and Amanda may dress up as angels for a laugh, but let me tell you, those girls are no angels.”
Girls who love sex? What perversion is this? But Lee is adamant that these teenage blondes actually enjoy sex. And they might even have enjoyed it with Lee.
Arse and Elbow
He goes on: “The girl I thought to be AMANDA was already in bed so I stripped off and climbed in beside her.
“At first she lay still. So I started by stroking her back then started sliding my hands over her body—I certainly through I recognised all the curves.”
Lee is an experienced groper. He recognises all the curves, spotting the difference between an arse and an elbow. Not wishing to delay the action, we return to Lee’s stroke-‘n’-tell…
Lee: “By now my hands were all over her and things were starting to get really steamy—and she was responding, moaning and groaning.”
Saying things like: “That’s my elbow, Lee”, “Have we don’t it yet?” and “What’s it with you an elbows?”
Lee continues: “By now I was getting really turned on and started to take things further, we were getting to boiling point…and that’s when I got an elbow in the face!”
Well, whatever turns you on, Lee…
“She screamed, ‘I’m SAM!’ I couldn’t believe it.”
Back to groping class for Lee. It seems that not all curves are the same after all.
Spot The Differences
“It was wild,” says Lee, who spots Ryan emerging from Amanda’s bedroom. “We ran out into the landing, stunned. The girls are so similar it’s impossible to tell the difference.”
But there must be something they do to set them apart, Lee? “They say they want a man sandwich, but the only sandwich I saw them make was a ‘Sammy’s Special Sandwich’ which she’d make thinking it was an amazing creation. It was bread with cheese and lettuce!”
That’s Sammy who is “definitely the more aggressive and moody”. Says Lee: “I think Sam will be the flirty one. She always gave the impression that all it would take to pull her would be to buy her a drink and a kebab. Amanda was the bigger challenge.”
Two drinks and a kebab?
Nasty Nick Bateman is in conversation:
After the Big Brother racism row during the last Celebrity BB, do you believe Jade Goody deserved the criticism she received?
“I do. She has been a veteran of these shows and she should know better. I have worked with her and in my opinion she is a bully.”
EMILY Parr is an aspiring actress. And according to her bio under “Additional Skills” she is:
“Actor, Talented Dancer, Good Mimic, chrous Singer, Fluent Spanish speaker, Good Public Speaker, Drawing, Painting, Football, Poetry, Harry Potter, Tennis, Waitress.”
Yeah. Harry Potter. That’s a skill. But what does she do with him?
And she will go naked. But “Only professionally”. And in the best possible taste…
Emily to win? Free bet…
CHANELLE told us: “I try to get at least two comments a day about how much I look like Victoria.”
That’s Victoria Beckham. Chanelle is a fan of Her Poshness. No, come on, Chanelle is THE fan of Posh. If anyone of us were told we looked like a constipated Pikenese twice a day, we’d hide away in small room and weep.
But Logo Chanelle likes Posh; she wants to look like David Beckham’s lollipop headed tick.
She’s been talking about marriage. “Anyway, I want my husband’s initial tattooed here,” says Chanelle to Ziggy. She points to her wrist, “and he’s gonna get mine tattooed there on the same one.”
Terry William Andrew Turner would be proud…
“I DON’T know what you’re talking about,” says Carole to Charley. “Don’t care. Couldn’t give a s***. I’m not getting into no arguments. It’s all f****** rubbish.”
This is Carole who told us: “I am gonna shake it something rotten and they will be shaking s***less. If people want an argument, here’s the f***ing argument!”
Charley wants an argument. Anyone else thinking Carole is all talk and no do – this year’s sexual terrorist…
Can it be that Ziggy’s dating – that has taken in reality TV stars Suzanne Shaw (Pop Idol) and Abi Titmuss (Love Island; Blue Peter Does Porn) – has been ramping up to this meeting with Carole?
As the Mirror’s front page says, Zac is “one for the ladies”.
And as the Sun reports, Zac calls himself a “randy and-up-for-it ladies’ man” and admits he hopes for romance in the house.
“He looks a bit like David Beckham. Maybe we’ll have a bit of Posh and Becks action in the house with Chanelle,” says Davina.
Says Ziggy: “I think Chanelle is very much my type… I fancy her. She seems like a sweet girl and she’s pretty.”
So look out for those two getting it on and Carole making animal noises while Emily does a passable impression of Rebecca Loos.
And, of course, Ziggy, is the only one allowed to nominate this week. On his nod hang so many lads mags’ photo spreads.
Such is the power…
Ziggy to evict Charley? Use your FREE £10 bet to profit from her demise. Click here.
LESLIE might have put the “man” in the WI, but she’s here to help.
She’s got her knickers in her hand and is eyeing the mangle like she means it.
Says Leslie: “Now this will be one of the first times the mangle has met ‘magic knickers’.”
Knickers were fed into contraption. Leslie stood well back.
“For the benefit of the cameras,” she confided, holding up her ‘magic knickers’, “this is what you wear in real life. “And this,” she said, holding up a leopard-print wrap, “is what you wear in the event of a fire.”
The housemates looked on. Firemen grew cold. The BB WI wondered about making a calendar…
Free Money here
BIG BROTHER producers are testing Tracey’s cigarette papers amid suggestions she soaked them in drugs before the show. Is she, like look-alike Worzell Gummidge, off her head?
CHARLEY Ichea was sacked from a lapdancing bar for being “too raucnghy”.
As a source tells the Sun: “She was sacked twice for dirty dancing. Charley stepped over the line.
“The first time she did it she apologised and was allowed back but she broke the rules once more.”
Says club owner Peter Stringfellow: “She was at Stringfellows but we had to stop her from working for us. We have strict rules.”
If anyone knows what the rules are, tell us…
ZAC Lichman is the last man on earth. Nicknamed Ziggy, Zac is the reality TV show watching the reality TV show.
Over in the United States, Australian tennis player Mark Philippoussis is to star in NBC’s new dating reality show, Age of Love.
Tennis ace Mark has to choose his dream date from a bevy of lovelies. Seven of the 13 desperately single American women competing for him to be aged over 40 – “40 and fabulous.”
So now you see. Zac has to consider not only Chanelle and Charley to create new life in the Big Brother Petri dish but also Carole and Leslie.
And who would not want to see Zac in a clinch with the fragrant Carole?
Home: North London
Ziggy is a fashion conscious ex-model and ex-boyband member. Despite his good looks he considers himself a down to earth guy and feels strongly about cruelty to animals. Ziggy’s dream job is to work for Hugh Hefner, but he has just finished training as a broker. He is proud of his boyband days and enjoyed writing their hits and still writes in his spare time. If he could make a law it would for there to be a National Short Skirt Day and he is definitely up for romance in the House.
Life Philosophy: “Work hard, play hard.”
Likes: Animals, sport and exercise, music, fashion and property hunting.
Dislikes: Rats and mice, mouthy girls and arrogance.
Why BB?: “It looks like an amazing fun experience.”
Most people have trouble finding a seat on London’s Misery Line:
THEY waited. And then Zac Lichman arrived. Zac’s form takes in Abi Titmuss, Suzanne Shaw and Atomic Kitten singer Natasha Hamilton. None of them are housemates. Carole is. And she is fertile and ready to start a new strain of life in the Big Brother Petri dish. Good luck, Zac.
“I’m against the celebration of mediocrity. I’m sorry about that world because I know everyone loves it and loves to watch mediocre people. I studiously avoid Big Brother. I just don’t like all that stuff I’m afraid. It’s really boring. I’d rather go round and see someone rather than sit in the corner and watch them.” Someone. Like Heather Mills? Or does even Paul have his limits?
THE Big Brother podcast is being embraced.
Carole, the out of work sexual health worker, is talking to Chanelle, Victoria Beckham’s solitary fan.
Carole wants to know what Chanelle’s secret talent is?
Chanelle: What My secret talent is, ooh, well I can make a face like a monkey and that’s probably it.”
Over to you Posh…
Carole: Who is your idol?
Chanelle: Victoria Beckham. She wears the most gorgeousest clothes and when I met her she was really kind and nice.
Carole: Who would play you in a film of your life?
Chanelle: Julia Robets, or Courtney Cox Arquette, or if Victoria Beckham decided to take up acting, then Victoria Beckham.
If? What about Spice World? Some fan…
Carole: If you were a sexually transmitted disease, which one would you be…
WHO knew Victoria Beckham had a fan? Well, she does. Her name is Chanelle. And she is in the Diary Room.
Listen up and imagine Her Poshenss saying the words:
“I think I labelled a person wrongly – I didn’t think I trusted Charley and I thought she was trying to split the group.”
“What I saw yesterday was probably just Charley being excited… and overwhelmed with the situation. From what I’ve seen today, she’s a nice girl who is kind and sympathetic to other people and has a laugh.”
An old stager like Logo Chanelle can handle the cameras. Like Beckham Logo has her own camera crew, or at least a willing mum and dad with a sound boom fashioned from a teddy on a stick and a handycam.
Charley with a “Why?” is proud of her vital statistics, specifically her being related to Manchester United footballer Kieran Richardson, pneumatic breasts (two) and a habit of biting the hair from her fingers.
(Readers should note that said hair is believed to sprout from the back of Charley’s hands but these are early days in the polemic and we await developments.)
Charley is also a warning made so much flesh to ceremonial guardsmen as to what can occur if they clean their bearskins on a hot wash and over blow dry. Viewers have not seen hair like Charley’s since chimney sweeps were in their pomp.
This is Charley with a Why.
And the former lap-dancer is showing the world her “SECRET SEXY PICS” on the Star’s cover page. Look on as Charley bares her knickers-clad backside and pushes her breasts together in the manner of a Mediterranean farmer selling water melons at the roadside.
Sun readers get to see “Peek-a-boob” Charley as her twin fruits pop out of her gold top at a party for rapper P Diddy.
And hear an ex-lover say: “She was insatiable. One night we went to a party and ended up in the bedroom. She stripped and I took the camera out. She loved it.”
And: “She made it clear it was not an exclusive relationship. She wanted casual sex. She loved watching porn and acting out what was on screen. She’s going to make a hell of a ripple in the Big Brother house.”
Not a ripple, we’d suggest, more of a stain on the couch. Or an unsightly splash.
So much for Charley Uchea. Or Ichea…
Charley to win?Get your FREE bet here…
And – shock of shocks – it turns out that Chanelle, Charley and Emily all have secrets to shock and then shock some more.
Emily Parr is a young Conservative. In her formative years she wrote the ‘Blue Book’, a manifesto for the Tory Party in the 21st Century and beyond. Emily hopes to use Big Brother as a springboard to her ‘new way’.
Charley Ichea can play the spoons. And not just any spoons but big spoons, serving spoons and ever slatted spoons. Citing her hero as Clive Dunn, Charley says her dream is to win Big Brother and “Spoon For Peace” at the Princess Diana Memorial Concert.
Chanelle Hayes’ secret is that when she was aged eight everyone called her Nik. But then for some mad reason they started calling her Nikki. But never Nicola.
Of course these secrets have yet to rise to the surface. And the Sun has to make do with:
Emily: “Posh totty Emily Parr, 19, stripped off and snorted coke for a lesbian sex session with a pal!”
Charley: went to her a party where her top fell off!
Chanelle: The Victoria Beckham lookalike “had sex on a bus and spices up her love life by playing the violin”. Air on a G-string – in an actual G-string. What an act.
More shock to follow…