Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Although she threatens to move into the Jennifer Aniston Zone to her left and the Jolie Area to her underneath. As the headline goes Britney “GAINS 42lbs”.
Like you, we have no idea what 42lbs is, having gone metric when Angelina Jolie was in Paris.
But it sounds a lot. And there is every reason to believe that Britney is growing up with her audience, moving effortlessly from lithe-limbed blonde American schoolgirl to large-limbed, heavy-set American woman.
As such, she should embrace her changing shape. Or as a source puts it: “She grabs the fact on her stomach and thighs and says she wishes it would melt off.”
Such is the way of the Hollywood Hills, that there is every chance to believe the couple are dating, soon-to-be-collaborating on a rom-com movie and consulting the Book of Revelations for baby names.
In “ROMANCE BLOOMS”, readers see that both Jen and Orlando love the beach. Jen loves hers. Orlando loves his. And one day they may even share a beach, a possibility the Enquirer encourages with its front-page graphic.
Their relationship promises to develop into an “open romance”.
Jen and Orlando are in Mexico. They are “staring blissfully into each other’s eyes”.
They are dining on a patio in their swimsuits. They share the same manager, one Aleen Keshishan.
Who remains tantalisingly out of shot, and is very possibly on the beach…
As the Sun’s front page announces: “JUST AS DIANA JURY ARRIVES IN PARIS…POSH PUTS ON THE RITZ.”
It takes a special kind of talent to gatecrash a funeral, but then Diana’s passing has taken ten years and there was every chance unexpected guests would arrive to steal the show.
So here is Victoria Beckham wearing a feathery red dress. The Sun gives readers “An Eiffel of Posh”, as La Beckham “unwittingly strolled through a makeshift ‘courtroom’ set up fro the inquest into Diana’s death”.
“It was amazing,” says an onlooker. “She was the last person you expected to see.”
For sure. But there is a neat symmetry in the inquest into one celebrity princess being upstaged by the arrival of another.
And then there is Victoria’s own personal tragedy as her father-in-law Ted recovers from a heart attack. “It was greatly appreciated,” says Posh in the Mirror in reference to the overwhelming support, the flowers and the minute’s silence. “The clothes I’m wearing are incredible.”
This is the Mail’s front page “Posh’s walk-on part at the Diana inquest”.
And as she drives off, we wish her bon voyage and god speed…
14 says: Diddy recently launched Unforgivable, his new fragrance for women.
Ads featuring Doodles Diddy biting, pawing and groping attractive young women caused so much controversy that even MTV refused to air the racy TV commercial unless Diddy agreed to make edits to tone it down.
Of course, Diddy refused. No one tells Diddy what to do.
The toothy mogul mumbled something about the type of women he had in mind when he “created” the fragrance. “She’s strong, she’s into fashion, a woman who’s sensual and passionate, and a quiet woman. A woman who picks the words she chooses carefully, and when she speaks she says what she means.”
Interesting how Diddy goes to so much trouble describing the way he prefers women to communicate. I can just hear him, “Shhh, quiet down ‘lil lady. Here’s some money, why don’t you go shopping for something sexy and when you come home, I’ll grope you in the hallway. Run along now, and don’t come home until you’ve piped down.”
Not since Arlo Guthrie flew into Los Angeles has a trip been so welcomed by one and all.
“I think Britney’s lost the plot,” says Sharon Osbourne. “She must get some therapy.”
Sharon Lynne Osbourne is not related to Britney, and her views may or may not be valid. But she is a mother and judge on the X Factor TV show and that must count for something.
This is all part of “Another quiet weekend in the crazy world of Britney Spears”.
The Sun records all. On Friday, Britney went clothes shopping. She then got into car and went to a hotel. The hotel is five stars.
Britney buys a packet of Werther’s original sweets and toy Halloween pumpkins. For this purchase, Britney swapped her “busty dress” (?) for a tracksuit.
The colour of this tracksuit is not recorded, nor whether it was busty. But when we know, you’ll know…
JAMIE Oliver, native of Essex, is to launch “’authentic’ Italian restaurant chain”.
Anorak has been to Italy and noted that the successful restaurant chains are called L’Insalata Ricca, Brek and McDonalds.
As the Guardian reports, Jamie’s Italian will be your neighbourhood Italian restaurant. Jamie says the food will be “prepared with love”. Or “wiv larv”, as they say in Jamie’s Italy…
Anorak has been compiling a list of epithets, as part of our Tabloid Dictionary. To date we have “rubber-faced Rowan Atkinson”, “anguished Kate McCann” and “troubled Britney Spears”.
Britney Spears has not been up to much of late. Her songs are bad, her dancing worse. And her school uniform is in Comfi Slax range. But Troubled Britney has been making headlines.
Today, Troubled Britney is in the Sun. As readers learn: “TROUBLED BRITNEY SPEARS may face a legal battle to keep custody of her DOGS.”
The head of animal rights charity Peta has asked Britney’s estranged husband Kevin Federline to pursue an order for care of her Yorkie called London and chihuahuas Lucky, Lacy and Bit-Bit.
As reported: “Ingrid Newkirk said Britney, 25, had failed to have London treated after his leg was broken when he was stepped on.”
No further details are given, the Sun correctly realising that its readers are representative of this nation of dog lovers and can only stand so much.
As for calling her Yorkshire Terrier London, we urge calm in the People’s Republic of Yorkshire and lobby Troubled Britney to rename the creature something more in keeping with that locale and her own career, such as Leeds, Nafferton and Little Weighton…
In years to come, Anorak will be invited to nod its head on TV’s I Love The Noughties show and explain to the masses A) Who Britney Spears was and B) what a frappuccino is and what role it played in the life of A.
It won’t be easy. But on hand to help will be the son or daughter of a celebrity reminiscing about how mum used to take them to Starbucks after school, and get TWO granola breakfast muffins for a fiver! And we will be joined by Lilly Allen.
Ms Allen knows much about Spears, at least enough to tell the Mirror that her “heart goes out to her. I feel that she must be in a tough place right now. It’s really upsetting.”
That tough place is, as we have seen, a frappuccino outlet. And, indeed, it is nothing if it is not upsetting.
And Lilly has been there and done that. “I was 19 when I started doing this, so I can’t imagine what it muse be like for her,” says she.
Indeed, doing frappuccino is not something to be taken lightly, and to our mind Lilly took risks but was of legal age. And survived.
“I can’t imagine what it must be like for her. She must feel like: ‘God I need to get away.’”
I need to get a blend of ice and a mix constituted of coffee, water, milk, and various syrups…
OK! had already gone to print and been overtaken by Kerry’s fast-paced life.
This was a lost opportunity. But Kerry went to hospital and there was nothing short of a miracle. Doctors discovered the baby’s heartbeat. And that meant it was alive.
Kerry had not had a miscarriage.
It had all been a terrific mistake.
And so the hard work begins as Max calls around the newspapers to tell them that despite stories to the contrary (see early editions), his client and, lest we forget, dear friend, was still with child.
To the presses with the joyous news…
This is no searching question, and while commentators will wonder if he is more the brand than the man, Ted Beckham simply asks: “Who is David Beckham?”
Ted’s recent heart attack has left him with memory loss. As the Sun says (“DAD’S BECKS BLANK”), Ted even forgot his son’s name.
A source tells us: “After Ted came round from this operation he struggled to recognise his family. David, Jo and Lynne were all incredibly upset.”
There is no little concern that Ted’s confusion will be agitated by his son’s billing as Becks, Day-vid and Mr Posh.
But help is at hand in the shape of no less than two David Beckham autobiographies, back copies of the Sun newspaper and Sky TV retrospectives on the Beckham Years, featuring interviews with Rebecca Loos, Sir Alex Ferguson and the man who gave David his first tattoo.
One thing that Ted may struggle with is, of course, the bald truth that David is a footballer and plays for the Los Angeles Galaxy.
Best to leave that insight for anther time, lest Ted become disorientated and wonder if the world has gone mad…
Adele Silva is happy “being single”. Adele “SAVOURS HER NEW FREEDOM”.
That should quiet the rumour mongers. We can now dismiss the gossip about the actress attempting to place her head in the oven in unseen footage of Hell’s Kitchen. Adele is happy.
And she doesn’t care who knows it.
The revelations so not stop there.
Charlotte Church and a radiant Gavin Henson are in deep “JOY” with their new baby. She’s called Ruby. And she’s a diamond.
Charlotte gave birth in a birthing pool. It was to have been a bed but what with global warming and all…
Geri Halliwell IS on a sunshine holiday with her daughter Bluebell. No, make that Geri Halliwell is on a SUNSHINE holiday WITH her daughter Bluebell. There is revealing and there is knowing how to reveal.
And there’s Brad Pitt telling Hello! that “HE’S JUST A NORMAL DAD”. Brad wears a clean blue T-shirt and tells us: “Fatherhood is not an overnight thing at all – more like a gradual learning process of what it means, defining for yourself what kind of father you want to be, how to fell worthy of carrying the name of ‘father’.”
Lines not plucked from Pitt’s role in Troy but from his own mouth, unscripted and off the cuff.
Words that any normal father hears and nods along to…
They are a revelation…
Aniston and Affleck are indeed close. As the National Enquirer’s front page screams: “ANISTON & AFFLECK FLIRTING WITH DISASTER.”
And when Affleck does disaster everyone suffers – who can forget Pearl Harbor?
Trembling, we turn the page and learn that – get this – the picture is from a film Aniston and Affleck are working on together.
What price that the woman who starred in The Break Up and then Broke Up (!) with Vince Vaughn will now appear in the film He’s Just Not That Into You and find that – whoaah! – Ben is just not that into her!
A set insider tells us: “They hang out together, eat together and go off on walks tougher.”
But He’s Just Not That Into You!
A magazine has apparently banded them the “New Bennifer”.
But He’s Just Not That Into You!
“Meanwhile, Ben’s holding, kissing and even doing passionate honeymoon scenes with her!”
But He’s Just Not That Into You!
And He’s Not That Into You Too!
Dr Miriam Stoppard is considering the Britney Spears issue in the Mirror. She is the paper’s agony aunt, and what is Spears’s life but one of abject agony.
Dr Miriam says Los Angeles Judge Scott Gordon is not an “ass” and found in favour of the children’s father, one K-Ferret.
“Nevertheless,” says the doctor, “one quakes” for the boys. She notes that K-Ferret and Spears are “reprobate parents”. Britney is “drug-sodden”. She is “weak, self-deluded and wholly irresponsible, dangerously so”.
Dr Miriam must leave it there to go and open her postbag. A girl’s boyfriend has been calling gay chat phone lines and a woman wonders why her child’s eczema seems to get better if the mother is enjoying herself, even if she’s not with her.
And while Miriam’s duty calls, the Star watches Britney slope off. After losing her two sons, Britney heads to the Bel-Air beauty salon for a fake baking. She wears a short white skirt that barely covers her bum, or ass, as Dr Miriam might call it.
The Star says: “Mum Brit is in freefall.”
And in the Sun, Britney’s aunt Chanda McGovern says: “We are very worried that things are going to spiral out of control…we are worried about suicidal tendencies in her.”
Dr Miriam is not around just now. But we, acting as her receptionist, urge Britney to wait…
“Britney loses her children,” says the Mirror, and we know that it has.
But the panic does not last for long as the Sun tells us that the children have been found and are now in the “physical custody” of Britney Spears’ ex-husband Kevin Federline.
Federline, aka The Rapping Rodent, aka K-Ferret, is now legally allowed to raise sons Sean Preston and Jayden James, to construct them in his own image.
Many will have to put their concerns to one side, dismiss thoughts of the little lambs being at large dressed in white vests and pointed beards, because, as a source says: “We are all fearing for Britney and this will be the final straw for her.”
“SUICIDE FEAR FOR BRITNEY,” says the Sun. The Mirror says Britney is “beyond inconsolable”.
And: “She has not stopped crying since she found out. It hasn’t sunk in yet…a life without them is unimaginable for her.” As ever: “The boys are her life.”
Overlooked is the need to say that Britney is lost. And realise that this is an interim order and full custody of the children will be decided at a later date.
In the meantime, we need to find Britney. And find her spokesman, who, as the Sun reports, “was not available last night”.
Fears are that they too are lost…
The Sun hears Ted Beckham sit up in bed and tell the world “I’ll be okay”. The paper says that Ted even made it to wave off Posh ‘n’ Becks from the carpark.
As a hospital insider let’s us know: “David was very sweet and brought Ted some home-made fruit punch and a salad. Posh even took off her sunglasses when she reached the ward.”
Of course, she may have replaced them with still bigger lenses, especially since, as the Mirror reports, Posh and her Spice Girls entourage are collaborating with fly-eyed Bono, Mr G9 himself.
But that for later. For now, as the Star notes, “Posh Is Beck To Normal”, manfully refusing to smile as she jets off her to resume her amazing life in Los Angeles.
Says an onlooker: “They were holding hands like newlyweds but you could see the strain in their faces.”
And with that Her Poshness puts her sunglasses back on…
A fetishism suggests itself. All the more so when we learn that the Big Brother star emeritus’s new man is a dog. And not just any dog but a Pomeranian called Trouble.
What consenting adults get up to behind closed doors defies our judgement but this news invites Trouble, which is something Dani appear to be encouraging, given her pose which the Anorak postboy informs us is “doggy-style”.
“At first Trouble was so good and timid that I thought I might have to change his name,” says Danielle. “But now he’s into everything. He got to my red bra and knickers set the other day.”
“I couldn’t stay cross with him though, he’s just so incredibly cute.”
In “BECKS: My guilt over dad” the News of the World says “DAVID BECKHAM is haunted by guilt and believes it is HIS fault that his dad suffered a near-fatal heart attack.”
A source says Day-vid feels bad for “cancelling” on his dad, for not being closer to him.
The NOTW tells us: “He and wife Victoria have taken solace in religion, praying in a multi-faith room which has crosses and Bibles available in a box.”
This is the Beckhams in their time of private grief. Pull of a throne-shaped pew. Empathise.
David and Victoria are united in their moment of pain. Says a source: “She’s been a rock for David. She keeps telling him, ‘Don’t blame yourself for this, stop having a guilt trip—it’s not your fault.’”
Vicky has been forced to cut short a promotional trip to Japan. But she doesn’t blame Dave.
“The two of them have been sitting in the corridor together and she clasps his hand in hers. David’s like a little lost lamb at the moment.”
Touching stuff. And how does the NOTW trail this story? Why, with the line: “David opens heart”.
To remember in all our prayers: David’s father, who art in hospital, hallowed be thy turf…
Teenage boys and men with sweaty palms on caravan sites in Rhyl hear you, Angelina.
Angelina, of course, is no man. She is all woman, which is why she can engage in lesbianism, as OK! notes, and Priapic youths and men on government registers cannot.
“l’ve done coke, heroin, ecstasy, LSD, everything,” says Angelina. “But the one that had the worst effect on me was pot. I felt silly and I hate feeling like that.”
Angelina is not silly. She buckles up. Clunk. Click. Every trip. “I don’t do drugs. I don’t intentionally ride a motorcycle without a helmet. I will always be careful.”
One wonders how you can unintentionally ride a motorcycle, with or without a helmet? Angelina should be yet more careful, particularly when sitting on revved-up motorcycles. No joke. We’re serious.
But tiredness can get in the way of the best laid plans. And Angelina admits that children can take the spark out of love.
“Obviously your intimacy is not the same,” she tells OK!. “You are always engrossed and often you collapse with exhaustion in the evening.”
And it’s not all travelling the world that takes it out of Jolie. There are children to look after. And chances are the help is just as tired as she is…
No lightweight in the celebrity kitchen, McGuigan’s used every ounce of his stamina to pound potatoes into a frothy mash.
“I went into hell’s Kitchen to win, and I don’t do anything by halves,” says Barry, although children’s portions are available if there’s no rush on.
“Yes, I wanted my family to be proud of me, but above all I wanted to do it for my own sense of achievement,” says Barry. “If I compete I have to win, otherwise I feel I have failed. It’s a compulsion.”
Or what Marco Pierre White would all a “mousseline”.
And Barry won, of course, seeing off Paul Young and his 1980s white soul and Adele Silva’s vegetables.
Says Barry: “Adele was better then me at more things, but in area of service – and mashing potatoes and piping them – I had the upper hand.”
And duly delivered the knock-out blow…
The singer-songwriter descends the oak staircase at Highclere Castle. Hello! hears her draw “gasps of admiration from the guests”, some as old as Des, some older and well used to gasping.
Jodie is wearing a dress by South African dressmaker Gert van de Merwe, an empire-line creation in French lace and dupion silk, hand-beaded in the ubiquitous Swarovski crystals.
And here comes the couple’s son Adam, carrying his parents’ wedding rings on a satin cushion. Adam is three. Gasps a plenty. Possibly a nurse and an inhaler, too.
And the moment is nigh. “I vow to love and comfort you; share laughter and tears with you…and make you feel special each day of our life together,” says Jodie.
True to her word Jodie cries. Leaving guests gasping more, and Hello!’s readers wonder what part of the vows it sketched over.
“You’re my husband,” says Jodie as the registrar pronounces them man and wife. Des, ever the professional, recognises the moment and holds his brief close.
The crowd goes wild. Bradley Walsh, Melanie Sykes and DIY SOS presenter Nick Knowles gasp. Cilla Black, “Des’s old friend”, tells us: “I have been to many weddings in my time but I said to John on our way here: ‘Something tells me I may need the tissues today.”
And Des begins to sing…
As the Sun shows, on Goody’s hooded top is the legend “I’VE GOT YOU NOW”.
Has charmless Jade Goody been arrested? None of it. Goody is as clean as the mint sauce on offer at Osman’s Kebab stall.
News is that she is the victim. Indeed, this is not the first time Jade has been victimised.
Thieves have broken into Goody’s home and stolen £30,000 worth of valuables.
Did they make off with the TAN-gerine bronzing gun? Did they leave the Goody perfume?
Jade is said to be too distressed to list exactly what has gone. She merely screams: “I’ve been fucking burgled”.
And her tax disc expired on August 31, something the attending police are all too happy to point out.
Poor Jade. “She has not stopped crying,” says a pal.
Fetch the tanning gun – this one could run and run…
THE youth teenies look up to her. Who needs sexualised Bratz doll’s when you Smiley to entertain you? More on Smiley here.
“Miley Cyrus is pregnant is the latest hot gossip circulating around the web – Miley Cyrus ,she is just 15 yrs old & shot to fame with her appearence in Hannah Montanna .
The j-14 and teen magazine carry an interview with Miley Cyrus confirming she is pregnant she’s currently filming the last episode of Hannah Montana .
But she didnt say who the dad is ; but her parents are really disappointed milley says: “I’m going to take good care of my baby – I’ve already gained 7 lbs i was in real shock it just happened accidently i went a little to far I am sorry to my fans.”
This is “Sienna’s wedding day bliss”.
Married? No. Not yet. Although the Express notes that Sienna and her current project, actor Rhys Ifans, “could not have stood closer as the bride tossed the bouquet”.
Closer to one another or closer to the bride? The Express is unspecific.
No small chance, then, that Sienna was caught wrong footed, looking up as her future happiness arced over her head as the bride tossed with all the guile of Andre Agassi in his pomp.
Disappointment set aside, the Express notes how Sienna and her actor did manage to catch a cab and take a ride to the wedding reception in a north London pub.
Ms Miller is blonde…
AS mentioned, the Sun has no Page 3 Girl today. Like most of you she is not fully au fait with the EU constitution and requires a few weeks more intensive reading before her thoughts will be made known.
Will knickers be cheaper in a United Europe? Will Blackpool open a plage naturistes? Is stuna a pan-European term? We await the verdict.
The Sun champions Le Page 3. And in readiness for EU homogenisation and regulation reveals the correct shape for a topless stunna’s chest.
As for bananas and cucumbers, so for Nikkii and Amiii. And readers see that the official chest features 50 per cent breast meat below the nipple line and 45 per cent above the nipple line.
For purposes of illustration, Britannia is Keeley Hazell. She shows the “secret formula” that secures a career as a Page 3 Girl.
Of course, Keeley is a product of imperial measurements and it might be that the Italians prefer something more al dente…
The trick is knowing when the hype stops and the action begins. Beckham’s fellow Angelenos understand this, delivering to the world a diet of trailers for life-changing, you’ve–never-seen-the like-before blockbusters.
But as with Men in Black II, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005) and Basic Instinct 2 (2006), the second part of Beckham’s playing career is failing to live up to the billing.
And the Americans have noticed. As the Independent reports, Radar magazine has conducted a scientific survey to find the most overrated people, places and things in American life.
(The survey took into account the number of references in the media, the longevity as celebrities, talking points and the direction of the wind in Des Moins.)
And top of the heap, above Britney Spears, Friends and the Hard Rock Café are the Beckhams.
As readers learn: “It’s not that they’re untalented. They arch their backs nicely in porny W fashion shots. They’re excellent at peddling fragrances. But is it any reason for a besotted media to swarm them daily…to muse on his chances of being knighted? He’s an overpaid soccer star, she’s a pointless collection of body parts.”
Indeed, readers. Greater careers have been built on less.
And one day – fingers crossed – Posh and Becks can be as overrated as Bradgelina, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Antony, American football…