Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
To less enlightened minds this sounds not unlike prostitution. It is not. It is entertainment. It is Big Brother. And, as the Star reports on its front page, £1million is lying prone on the table.
But not this table. Not the table marked “dinner”. Big Brother will be on our screens until 2010.The show’s owners have just singed a three-year-deal to remain at the Elstree TV studios.
It will go out with bang, says the Star. Or as the show’s spokesman tells the paper, the planning permission is “being finalised”.
That’s the best thing about Big Brother: the normality. The show always works best when the housemates are left to get on with it in a confined space.
But the Star wants more. It says Charley (“I’ll have a stab”) and Chanelle (“Big Bedder”) will do whatever it takes for the million.
Only there is no big money prize. The Star says there might be in Big Brother 11, when all former winners return to fight it out. Which means Charley will not only have to win this show but “bitch, bonk and backstab” for the next three years. Ever she may run out of impetus.
But Charley, as this year’s winner designate, she will compete against past Big Brother champions. The show’s first winner, Craig Phillips, has not drowned in his own saliva and will lead the likes of Brian Dowling, Cameron Stout (?), Nadia Almada, Anthony Hutton and Pete Bennett into the house.
They will be joined by Celebrity Big Brother winners Jack Dee, Mark Owen, Bez, Chantelle Houghton and Shilpa Shetty.
For reasons unspecified, the Star also finds room in the compound for Jade Goody. She has done well from the show, carving out a tasty career from the unpromising raw ingredient of soggy kebabs and bile.
Perhaps the plan is to seal the house with the winners within, a kind of Tomb of Our Time, a lasting landmark to celebrity?
And we can’t risk leaving out Jade out. Or Charley…
Who wins? Get your FREE £10 bet here
BIG Brother’s preordained winner Charley Uchea has been a revelation, offering an instant explanation as to why lapdancing clubs are so dimly lit and why men who visit them to talk to the girls are benign economical with the actualite.
Only a student pyschoanalyst or the Daily Sport would pay to converse with Charley (59-1 to win the show).
But sex sells. And sex has been used to sell Big Brother since its inception. Remember all those headlines and teasers about when the first act of coitus would occur.
This season’s Big Brother has already, apparently, featured Ziggy and Chanelle at it. Luckily that these more physically attractive housemates chose to buddy up; although we are left to wonder how much more interesting things would have been had Carole hooked up with Jonathan.
And then there is Chanelle (11-1 to win), the biggest wet patch since Madonna melted the icecap at Live Earth. Chanelle is not just drippy; Chanelle is a constant light drizzle. She is British summer time made legs and thong.
Charley is Chanelle’s nemesis. And we are now willing her to stop the flirting with Ziggy and move things on. A smooch in front of Chanelle would turn the Wakekfield wonder into a puddle.
And we would warm to Ziggy (47-1 to win). Who does not want to see what occurs when Charley snares her prey? She’ll be a terrier right. She’ll eat him alive, or else chew him up and spit him out.
And what if she finds love, real love; not the love that the world has for her, that deluded love that Charley sees in chants of “Get Charley out!” and “We hate youuuuu!” But real love.
BIG Brother’s preordained winner Charley Uchea has been a revelation, offering an instant explanation as to why lapdancing clubs are so dimly lit and why men who visit them to talk to the girls are liars.
Only a student pyschoanalyst or the Daily Sport would pay to converse with Charley.
But such is that lighting that they come to see her dance. So Charley dances. She licks her lips. She flashes her boobs.
Before her sits not a disparate group of housemates, each wondering what they are missing on the telly and if they should take one or two bottle into the shower. She is not dancing for a Priapic teen on a trip to the West End nor a braying middle manager keen to show his manliness and power with a warm fiver. Before Charley sits an “ENGLAND STAR”.
No, not Wayne Rooney; Charley’s not that old. And not David Beckham. He is a loyal family man and has eyes only for Her Poshness. Before Charley is “premiership ace Leroy Lita”.
Yes, him. Lita plays for Reading, it says here. He also, apparently, plays for England, but at what the Star is unspecific.
And Lita is up for it, so much so that when the Star goes to confront him with news that his meeting with Charley has been captured on camera he squirts photographer Wayne Starr with baby oil.
Everyone’s fair game to these sexed-up players. But the photographer is not dancing. And Lita is not talking with him over a £150 glass of champagne.
“He won’t be making any comment on this nor will the club,” says a spokesman for Spearmint Reading.
If you want to talk you have to pay first. And watch the show…
So what if it’s a fix and Charley is going to win. It’s only a gameshow, a contest in which viewers are invited to spend money on voting out their favourites and seeing them parachuted back in again.
It’s fake week. It’s Big Brother. Whisper it but the Big Brother house is not a real house. It’s not even on a real street. There is no council tax to be paid. It’s a studio in a field near Elstree.
And amid so much fakery, no-one is more of a fake than Charley. Sure she likes to keep it real, but reality to Charley is a lie. She tells it like it is. And it is one big lie.
If first place went to the housemate who had climbed Mount Snowdon in the fastest time and eaten Roy Castle’s trumpet, Charley would win. Anyone who says she’s a liar is just jealous.
Of course, one day Charley will be chucked out the house. She will feel the love. She will dance on a table at Chinawhites and date a Division One footballer. Her fame will be real. And then after two weeks of life in the limelight, Charley will stand on the wet patch and begin the slow inexorable slide into obscurity. The pain will be real.
Sure, she will tell her friends and pigeons in the precinct that she is more popular than air and was once asked to be Queen, but they will not believe her. Although Brain might, especially if Charley writes the truth down in a book.
But Charley is in the house. Nicky and Gerry are up for the chop. Nicky is a shoo-in to go. To date, all the favourites for eviction have gone. Nicky will go. At 1-33 on, Nicky is the shortest price yet for a housemate’s eviction. She is a dead cert.
Of course, Nicky is being edited to look whiny, lazy, miserable and grumpy. Although the housemates, who see her in what passes for reality 24/7, call her “grating” (Carole), the “sneakiest housemate” (Liam), and “nasty” (Gerry).
How Nicky who does nothing but moan and grumble came to be nastier than Charley is an oddity that no end of Big Brother psychologists can pontificate over.
Maybe it’s because after a while Charley just loses all power. She’s the housemate you can’t hate. Only pity…
PSSST! Wanna buy four singed books by Pete Bennett, last year’s Big Brother winner?
Pete: My Story “will make you cry, have you in stitches, and inspire you with its amazing honesty…But beneath his quirky and hilarious antics, it was Pete’s refreshing innocence and lack of fame-seeking that made him the most popular (and fancied) housemate Big Brother has ever seen.”
Pete’s fame-dodging biography is yours for 99p.
Bargain hunters looking on eBay can also find the official guide to BB3. This is your chance to see a balding Brummie receiving oral sex from Jade Goody.
And sticking with Jade, and to her, there’s the bottle of her perfume Shh… (top notes of kebab and drying tissue). It’s in a suede presentation box with a pot of shimmer puff body powder. Yours for £5.50.
A copy of the Star costs 40p. Anorak pays you £10 to watch Big Brother. Pick your deal…
Of course there are not. There are hot pictures of Dani Lloyd, the non-bullying, non-bigoted counterpunch to that hideous Danielle.
So hot is Dani that she’s wearing a string vest and no underwear. It’s a strong look and one we imagine well known to Star readers. If Dani can just perch her lips atop a bacon roll and scratch somewhere intimate, she will be as one with her people.
And she is getting hotter still. In “237 REASONS TO HAVE SEX”, the top driver to procreate is “I wanted to keep warm”.
The next most prominent reasons are: “I wanted to get a promotion”; “I wanted to release tensions”; “I wanted to feel closer to God”; and “I was bored”.
Such are the findings of researchers at the University of Texas for Archives of Sexual Behaviour.
Meanwhile Dani is so hot she needs not sex but to remove her string vest and get on her hands and knees for a good airing. And give readers the kind of look that could melt a friend egg sandwich…
BIG BROTHER ZIGGY’S SEX SECRETS,” announces the Star’s front page.
Chanelle is seeking revenge. She wants to get back at Ziggy by telling the world that he has a small penis.
“You go for the jugular every time, don’t you,” says Ziggy (out to 69-1 to win) to his former lover. The main vein.
Chanelle (12-1) wants Ziggy to stop talking to Charley. “It upsets me,” says she. “Will you not do it?”
Chanelle needs to grow up. But Big Brother only runs for another month or so and there is not time for her to develop into an adult before our eyes.
But Ziggy is not easily put off. He’s back in bed with Chanelle showing how much he cares, as he is best able.
“I am glad you are here Zac,” says Chanelle. “If you had been in the BB house another year I would never have met you.”
And then there would have been no Ziggy and Wet Blanket romance.
GERRY and Nicky will face the public vote this week, after Big Brother revealed that they received the most nominations this week.
Nicky is 1-25 on to go. Pile the free money on her. She is gone. Gone. Gone.
Gerry is 22-1 to go. Not a chance. For one thing he upsets Charley. For another… Well, he upsets Charley… He stays.
Every week the hot favourite to leave has left. Claim your fee £10 and place your bets…
WAKEFIELD is awash with stars.
Who knew that Wakefield, not permanently settled until the Germanic tribe, the Angles sailed up the Calder and decided to make it their home sometime in the 5th–6th century AD, the centre of the Rhubarb Triangle, was Britain’s look-alike capital?
And, as the Sun reports, Chanelle (15-1 to win) has “declared war” on one Katie Cheeseman.
Chanelle looks like Victoria Beckham, it says here. Ms Cheeseman, 23, looks like Katie Andre minus the Jordans.
“Chanelle thinks Wakefield’s only got room for one celeb lookalike,” says the Sun’s headline.
Katie says Chanelle is a “bitch, a bully and a poser”. She goes on: “Wakefield is a small city. Everyone knows everybody else.”
Posh lookalikes know Jordan lookalikes know someone who looks a bit like Wayne Rooney who has a dog that looks like Roly from EastEnders. And so on all the way to Pontefract.
“My boyfriend and I are always called Peter and Jordan,” says Cheeseman. “It’s a bit of a giggle and he likes to flash his six-pack whenever Peter’s song Mysterious Girl is played.”
That this tune should be played at all comes as no small shock. But then the DJ who looks like Bruno Brooks likes to keep it real.
“IT was fixed,” says Big Brother’s Charley Uchea, 11-1 to be the show’s top female, after Amanda (9-5), Chanelle (9-4),Carole (9-2) and Sam (6-1).
“Even if Nicky (49-1) had got more votes then me it would have been me still going. Davina was saying to me ‘You’re unique, you’re unique. I can guarantee they chose me for a reason.”
So she is better than the others? “I’m not saying that because I’m better than any of you, I’m not saying that.”
But Charley is loved by the public.
They slap her hands. They scream “Peace be upon you, Charley”. The lame approach to be touched. A squadron of RAF jets fly overhead spelling out “Charley” in plumes of smoke and an arrow-pieced heart.
Marks & Sparks produces a range of G-Charley thongs. Channel 4 creates an hour-long 100 Best Charley Moments retrospective. Melinda Messenger models the new Charley implants.
“You can nominate me all you want guys. But this week, next week or the week after, I’ll still be here. They love me out there. It’s because I’m real. I’m a big character.”
The housemates listen. And if they listen harder. They can hear the fans: “Get Charley out!” they scream. “Get Charley out!”
Because we love her. We need her to walk among us. We need Charley…
She is not passing kebabs and vials of curry cause though the railings. She is not counting the number of “Shilpas” coming. She is not “looking after” dinner money.
Jade is looking over £2,350-a-term Oaklands School, Loughton, Essex.
Home education is not Jade’s thing and she has decided to send her eldest son, Bobby ‘Tikka’ Jack, to school.
Bobby’s first days at the desk will, as the Sun reports, feature in a magazine article.
If they let him in. “There is a backlash against the head’s decision to offer Bobby Jack a place for September,” says a source known only as “mum”.
“Parents have seen her and asked her to reconsider because they think Jade Goody will lower the tone and spell trouble.” Or Trubal.
“One mum has threatened to pull her child out and others are talking about a petition – feelings are running high.”
Another mum adds: “Oaklands is a discreet school and parents don’t like the thought that their kids will be forced to appear in a magazine next to Jade’s.”
Says Jade: “It’s ridic’ous if dees peepal fink my profile az un Essex gurl moight tarnish de skool – Dey’re frum Essex too.”
Jade is from Bermondsey, South London. She moved to Essex to better herself. And we’d suggest it is not her locale that troubles minds but her attitude towards those of colour.
Anorak cannot overlook the chilling possibility that on returning to school, having holidayed in sunny foreign climes, some children may appear Indian. What then the chance that young Armani Four-Be-Four will be met with the call “Oi Poppadom!” and find herself embraced by little Booby Goody and smiling for the cameras as Jade speaks of educating the poor Indians so they can better themselves.
“I have a good relationship with the head,” says Jade with no hint of irony.
“We have an equal opportunities admissions policy,” says the head, Pat Simmons. Indeed they do. Brown, black, white or tandoori-orange a private school will accept anyone so long as they’re money is good.
It is the mark by which standards are maintained…
CHANELLE is needy. How much like Victoria Beckham is she? Do you think David Beckham went to LA to appease his wife, to give her the ticket to A-list fame she craves? not that he ever cheated on her… Just like Ziggy:
Chanelle (18-1 to win) to Ziggy: Why would you ask someone else out for a drink with you, when, you know… that’s really embarrassing for me
Ziggy (out to 54-1 to win): What? Why is that embarrassing for you? For a drink outside? You know what? You are seriously… you know what?
Chanelle: She said it on national TV
Ziggy: What, to go out for a friendly drink when we were talking about the wrap party?
Chanelle: Charley said, “Ziggy even asked me to go out for a drink with him ’cause he didn’t like Chanelle any more”. Those were the words that she said on air, Carole, int it?
Carole: No, she didn’t
Chanelle: She f****** did! Chanelle shrieked. Oh my God, ask the twins!
Ziggy: She never said that! Chanelle please! You know what it was? ‘Cause he’s not with Chanelle any more’
Ziggy: You for some reason you think I fancy Charley! Why the hell would I nominate someone I fancied? You’re ridiculous Chanelle!
Chanelle: Don’t call me ridiculous, Zac, just leave it. Do you always have to get the last word in things?
Ziggy: I don’t. I really don’t.
One day Chanelle will look back on this and weep. But not tomorrow…
CHARLEY Uchea is now 31-1 to win Big Brother. Two weeks ago when Billi Bhatti was her designated rowing companion, Charley was 90-1. (Use your free Anorak bet.)
What changed between then and now is that Big Brother contrived to make Charley indestructible.
It created FAKE week in which Charley was set up for the fall. She fell. She was caught by Big Brother’s producers understandably concerned that six weeks of housemates getting on would not make good telly. Charley was carried shoulder high back into the house by a simpering Davina McCall.
Of course, most of the crowd that said anything screamed “GET CHARLEY OUT!” But Charley saw only the small handkerchief-sized banner that said “Charley can’t help it” and told her housemates “Oh my GOD! They LOVE me!”
The girl is maddening, hateful, spiteful and deluded. She is also capable of being entertaining, which the rest of the housemates are not.
Without Charley, the show hinges on:
How shiny Carole can get the dining table
How blonde is too blonde for Samanda and the corollary ‘Can you ever go too blonde?’
What does it say on Ziggy’s chest (a poll of the Anorak’s typing pool suggests: “Teeth by Tip-Ex”; a disclaimer: “I need fame and am only using you as a means to an end”; and “If you can read this you are too close.”
So Charley is back inside. And now she knows everything. Thanks to Big Brother, Charley knows what she looks like when she rows. This came as a shock to Charley who one had supposed practiced rowing in front of a mirror.
She knows what her housemates think of her, again no little shock to us who have seen her argue with one and all, Gerry chuck a glass of water over her and the fact she was nominated and evicted.
And she now knows what she has to do to win: row.
Last week was FAKE week and this week will be CHARLEY week again. Or, should she turn the rowing up a notch, ASBO Week, MURDER week or NEW CONTESTANT week…
CHARLEY Uchea didn’t look surprised when Davina announced her name.
“Thank you Davina,” she called, leaping up from the sofa.
And she’s going back in. The show’s dire. We know. It’s terrible. We know. But Charley is entertaining. She is the product of the CCTV generation – happy on camera all the time.
Film me! No me! No me! I’ll nick a packet of sweets if I have to. Just so long as you film me…
“THE audition isn’t just for interesting personalities, but for strength,” says Gerry. They were looking for mental endurance.
To Brian: “You were deemed mature enough to cope with the pressure,” he explained, adding: “They hate it when housemates walk out.”
Gerry says housemates can also be “incredibly stupid”: “They can survive in this environment because they’re too thick to notice anything that will happen.”
Death threats? The Star does not say, declining to shine the light of publicity upon shadowy forces, but taking care not to rule out al-Qaeda, the Women’s Institute or the Animal Liberation Front.
There is talk of a riot, how parachuting an evicted Charley back into the house could spark trouble. Six former SAS professionals have been hired to ensure the Big Brother house does not turn into a televised Waco or Noel’s House Party.
“There seems to be genuine concern this could end up being another Fight Night,” says a source. “But these guys are the best there is and can take people down in seconds.”
Good. And better then Gerry who tried to take Charley down with a thrown glass of water and snootiness.
Look out for the trained heavies taking Ziggy down by commenting on how he looks about 45 and has Cliff Richard’s teeth, how Brian is Bernard Breslaw incarnate and that Chanelle should put her undersized thong on her face and starts speaking out of her bum, the one thing that keeps her in the show and offers a chance of victory.
But Charley will go tonight. She’s 1-25 on for eviction (Nicky’s 16-1) and in to 29-1 to win the show.
The Star reports that Thaila’s original mission was to woo Charley Uchea for “girl-on-girl” action. Chuck in Charley’s hair and you have Big Brother pushing back the boundaries of pro-amateur-pet television.
The plot stems from words uttered by Charley when she first set eyes upon Thaila: “I’m gonna tell her she can sleep with me. I don’t mind, it’d be fun.”
So here’s Thaila in the house, doing what the part demands in the best possible taste. Says she top Charley: “I’m a raving lesbian. I can appreciate a good looking woman. I wanna have fun in this house.”
Thaila, the consummate professional, will go all the way. She will woo Charley. She and Charley will become an item. They will leave the show and press their naked breast together in the Daily Star. Charley will be thinking of the money, Thaila of her stagecraft.
The Star’s front page tells us: “ZIGGY’S SECRET DATES WITH THAILA.”
For those of you unable to keep up with the plot so far, know that an original show has been overrun by jobbing actors, boyband singers and tatty Wags. This is Big Brother does the X Factor.
And key players in the house are Ziggy and Patricia. The former’s real name is Zac. The latter’s real name is Thaila and she used to be in a band. And, yes, they have dated.
Or they might have done. Inside the paper, the Star is more circumspect, hearing only the chatter on an internet forum. A voice speaks of a fix. Another whispers of conspiracy. Another asks of Ziggy and Thaila: “Maybe they dated?”
Maybe they did. Maybe they will. The show seems now to be run by the Big Brother management agency, looking for winners and talent they can make money from.
Who needs last year’s winner Pete Bennett and talentless wannabes when you can have half-talented wannabes who need a showcase?
So we get Ziggy and Thaila the presenters. And Charley the Wag whose hair really wags.
And fake week in which we are invited to look at the fakers – Gerry, Samanda, Tracey, Carole, Chanelle, Liam, Nicky and Brian…
QUOTES from the Big Brother audition tapes:
Chanelle: I’m quite possessive. OK, I’m really possessive. OK, If I’ve got a boyfriend then I don’t let him leave the house
Charley: I’m loud, I’m mad and quite argumentative sometimes. And I always think I’m right
Ziggy: I don’t think any guys had tried to bed two girls in the house at the same time without the other one knowing
Brian: I like the idea of a house that people can look in, but you’re in the house and can’t see out
Gerry: I’ve had too many boys for the past three years in London. I’d like to fancy some women. I think I need to explore more
Tracey: I like peace. It cost nothing to smile at anybody
Liam: I make people laugh. I make people smile. I always end up the centre of attention
Who’s going to win? Take your free £10 bet with Anorak…
Source: Daily Star
HOW did she get the job of being a Big Brother star with the fame and none of the pain? Who does he know?
Thaila Zucchi’s CV here.
Her career here:
THE housemates have just found out that Charley and Nicky will go head-to-head in this week’s eviction, the first time either has faced the public vote. But there wll be no eviction. So Charley gets to stay. Which is a fix. Of course. So back her to finish in the top four at 4-1.
A CLUB source tells the Star: “The boys are going to keep her in the house so they can still wind him up. They’re not short of a bob or two for phone votes.”
So the players will fix it to keep Charley in so they can take the mick out of Kieran Richardson, the United player who is also Charley’s cousin. The United player who is rumoured to be on his way to Manchester City…
SAYS Jade Goody: “After the miscarriage I did ask: ‘Why is all this happening?’ I thought it was God’s punishment for something I’d done.
“This year it’s been one thing after another. But after losing the baby I thought I’d never recover.”
CAROLE Vincent has twigged that Patricia is as genuine as Charley’s hair.
This does not mark Carole out as any planet-sized brain. Chances are high that in the course of her many protests Carole happened upon SM:TV on Saturday morning telly and saw Pauline “Poo” the fake Australian housemate (Thaila Zucchi).
Thalia was once part of The Allstars, the main feature of a TV show called Starstreet. Like The Monkeys, this story of a fake band turned into reality – Allstars had four top-20 hits in what counts for the real world.
And then there is Carole, who knows everything about everything. The shock would be if Carole took anything at face value. Carole (3-1 to finish in the top four) looks for hidden depth and meanings in everything. Carole knows. She may even know what Samanda is talking about.
“Pauline looks like someone from a teen movie!” says Samanda (Amanda is 6-1 to win the show). She does. And someone from a children’s TV show called The Allstars. Samanda is 19 and most likely watched the show and wanted to be Patricia.
And of course Patricia is not Australian. Says Carole: “If you’re an Australian there are certain things you know. She’s not Australian.”
Patricia doesn’t even do a decent Australian accent. Anyone who has ever been served in bar, smacked by a huge backpack on the Tube or been institutionalised and forced to watch Ozzie daytime soaps (or worked as a journalist) know how to speaks Aussie. It’s the vocal equivalent of taking a cotton wool bud, removing the soft bit and inserting it into your ear. Hard.
There is also the added problem that unlike all young Australians, Patricia doesn’t talk constantly about “home” and hang about with other Australians.
But she has yet to be exposed. Ziggy would surely like to do just that. And we’d wish it on him just to see the look on Chanelle’s face and how tiny her knickers get in her bid to be seen and liked. (Chanelle is drifting to 14-1.)
But Patricia will be sussed. Anorak predicts he will be outted by Tracey (59-1 to win) who has most likely watched lots of children’s morning telly and enjoys a good conspiracy theory.
Which all makes us wonder what Patricia is doing in the house. And if “Poo” will cause a stink for anything other than her fast going-off acting career?
Cowed and beaten, they refuse to evict her. Charley wants to stay in the house and Endemol wants what Charley wants.
This week there will be an eviction. Instead, viewers will vote for which housemate they want out and then see them parachuted back in.
This is challenging TV, says Big Brother. This is TV for the challenged, say viewers. You spend money getting one of them out and then watch that housemate go back in. And your money spent on the phone call goes where?
This is billed as a clever ploy to stir things up. The evicted housemate will be shown who voted for them. They will become embroiled in rage. But Samanda doesn’t do rage, nor do Tracey, Liam, Brian, Ziggy or Carole. Nicky grumbles loudly. Chanelle whines. But they don’t really rage. Only one housemate goes berserk. Only one housemate finds confrontation normal: Charley.
So you vote Charley out. And in again. “Next week it has to be her,” says Gerry, which is surely discussing nominations.
Which means he should be banned from nominating. Like Charley, who in revealing her meeting with a Chelsea footballer, says: “Easy nigger.”
Yes Chanel 4, Charley used the N-word as a black woman to refer to another black person. Big Brother called her to the Diary Room to remind her that this word could cause offence.”
But, apparently, not if you are black and the person calling you a nigger is of the same skin tones. “We judged her use of the term different from Emily’s.”
Which makes us wonder why Jermaine Jackson was not judged for calling the Goody clan “white trash” in the last Celebrity Big Brother? (“I did not call Jade Goody white trash. The white trash statement came from Dirk Benedict,” said Jackson’s statement, although we heard him say it.)
One possible answer could be that Big Brother makes it up as it goes along. And so long as Charley stays in, anything goes…