Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
One Direction fans threaten to kill Aston Villa’s Gabby Agbonlahor for tackling puking Louis Tomlinson
ASTON Villa’s Gabby Agbonlahor has been the subject of death threats on Twitter following his tackle on One Direction and Doncaster Rovers’ Louis Tomlinson at charity football match for former Villa and Celtic man Stan Petrov who was diagnosed with leukaemia.
After the forward’s challenge, Tomlinson went to the sidelines and threw up.
The One Direction fans duly moved on from threatening to murder GQ magazine staffers by threatening to murder a professional footballer:
“@gabby_10 This guy hurt Louis knee. I shall hurt your face. I better hear that you apologized or I will find you, and I will kill you.”
SONG of the week: Samantha met Doe de Waddy Waddy.
Samantha seems to be the one in the middle, who looks like John Terry wrapped in old Leeds United flag. The backing signer are dressed by Woman at Grammar for Genitals, a kind of Dutch Caps Lock:
IN this Flashback, we look at State Disasters. The show doesn’t always go on
Beyoncé’s bad hair day had a happy ending – she extricated herself from the fan (mechanical, rather than maniacal in this case).
And at least she had the good humour to see the funny side afterwards – other victims of onstage disasters certainly didn’t. And one didn’t even live to tell the tale…
Early signs of the Pink Floyd front-man’s mental disintegration were apparent in 1967. That year he appeared on stage with an entire tube of Brylcreem in his hair into which – according to some accounts – he had crushed a handful of Mandrax tablets. Mandies or not, the lotion melted under the lights, leaving him looking like ‘a guttered candle’. The song Vegetable Man (unreleased) reflected Syd’s self-loathing at the time…
Arthur’s bad hair was in a league of its own, thanks to his famous flaming helmet, worn in honour of The Crazy World of Arthur Brown’s solitary hit, Fire. Its precursor – a colander soaked in methanol – was less successful. The fuel soaked into his scalp and set his head alight at the Windsor Festival in 1967. The fire was put out with beer.
The pioneering British rocker is remembered for two things: his classic single Brand new Cadillac and the mental problems, exacerbated by LSD and booze, which led to incidents such as declaring himself the apostle Matthew at one of his London concerts.
David Bowie was a friend of Taylor’s, and recalls encountering Taylor lying on the pavement in Caring Cross Road, studying a map of Europe and pointing out where UFOs would be landing. He later based the character of Ziggy Stardust on Taylor.
So many to choose from, not least the time he overdosed and fell unconscious twice during a 1973 Who concert in California. After the second incident, Pete Townshend asked if there was a drummer in the audience, and the volunteer played the rest of the set.
Possibly the most spectacular mishap occurred when Moon detonated some powerful fireworks in his drum kit after the band’s 1967 appearance on the Smothers Brothers show. The explosion (7.20 onwards in the clip below) genuinely stunned the hosts, and is blamed by Townshend for his subsequent hearing problems.
December 1971 was a bad month for the Mothers of Invention. First their equipment was set on fire by a flare fired from the audience during an appearance at the Casio de Montreux. The casino was razed to the ground, and, as a final indignity, the fire inspired Deep Purple to write Smoke on the Water.
Later that month a fan pushed Zappa off the stage at London’s Rainbow Theatre. He fell into the concrete orchestra pit, sustaining serious injuries to his head, neck, back and legs, and crushing his larynx. He was wheelchair-bound for a long period afterwards and his voice deepened significantly.
The rock poet ‘did a Zappa’ in 1977, with a 15 foot fall into an orchestra pit in Tampa. She broke several vertebrae.
One Direction’s young shaver was hit squarely in the other kind of ‘orchestra stalls’ by a shoe hurled from the audience during a performance in Glasgow earlier this year.
The Welsh rockers suffered a less dramatic shock in 2004 when Kelly Jones and Richard Jones were electrocuted at the Bataclan in Paris. Sparks flew but the band played on.
The Nirvana bassist failed to catch his instrument after throwing it in the air during the 1992 Music Video Awards. Apparently he still has a dent in his head.
In 201o, Iggy Pop dived at the New York crowd; and missed.
“When I landed it hurt and I made a mental note that Carnegie Hall would be a good place for my last stagedive. The audience were just like, ‘What are you doing?'”
The mother of all stage accidents occurred the following year during a Stone The Crows gig the Top Rank Suite in Swansea. Les Harvey (brother of The Sensational Alex) touched an unearthed microphone with wet hands and was killed on the spot.
Our favourite. Life imitates art as the Irish megastars suffer a Spinal Tap moment – trapped inside a 40ft mechanical lemon. When the fruit malfunctioned the band were forced to clamber out of the back during their PopMart tour in Oslo.
IN this acting masterclass, we look at how to eat a hard boiled egg.
WHEN the NME announced “Happy Mondays’ Bez criticised by Bromley Beekeeping Association”, we wondering if the man who masked the sound of his pills ion his tum-tum by shaking maracas wherever he went had upstaged Bill Wyman, famous for his metal detecting.
As Wyman told Goldmine magazine:
“Metal-detecting is not just for anoraks or eccentrics; it’s probably the best and the most enjoyable way of learning about our history. On any garden, country field, footpath, woodlands, beach or moor land you can find a huge variety of historical objects, all easily located with this high quality metal detector.”
Says Bez who bought his first hive for £50 off “some fella”:
“My grandad, when he came home from the war, the only thing he came home with was four massive tins of honey and ever since honey has been part of our family life – on our cereal and in our tea.”
Can it be that the more rock ‘n’ roll the youth, the more mundane and nerdy the later years become?
HOW did Stanley Kubrick like his French toast? Thankfully, the director left clear instructions:
You must understand that without the French toast I am no good to the cast and crew. And I will not eat the French toast if it is not prepared the right way. If I do not eat the French toast, my blood sugar will drop to precariously low levels, and I will be groggy and unable to make the necessary split-second decisions a director has to make in order for a film to be successful. Therefore, it is essential that you understand something about the French toast: it is not only my breakfast, it is the film. To prepare the French toast in the manner prescribed is to keep the film on time and under budget.
The gentleman before you did not seem to understand this basic concept. The connection was utterly lost on him, which is why he was sacked with extreme prejudice.
He did not also understand that both sides of the French toast must have a crust. You can’t have one side that is crispy and then another side that is soggy. I will not eat a soggy piece of French toast. Therefore, both sides must be equally toasted. The only way to accomplish this is to sear the bread. The heat on the burner must be turned all the way to the right. After dredging the bread through the egg wash (please refer the entry on eggs before attempting this) and wiping away any excess, you must place the bread into the already heated pan, and then wait for exactly 24 seconds. Then flip the bread over, using the approved, Teflon-coated spatula you have been provided with. Wait another 24 seconds, after which you must turn the heat to low. And when I say low, I mean turn the heat all the way down until the flame is but the merest flicker. If the heat is not at it’s absolute lowest, the crust on the French toast will turn a darker shade of brown, almost black, and while it is perfectly acceptable to eat a piece of French toast with slightly blackened crust marks, it is not aesthetically pleasing, at least not to my eye.
Chestnut brown crust marks are an indication that great care has gone into preparing the French toast, and above all, this is what concerns me the most: that you care. You must care about the French toast. If you don’t care about the French toast, then perhaps you don’t care about anything is my train of thought on the matter, and if you don’t care about anything, then working for me doesn’t seem feasible, as I have an insatiable desire to be surrounded by people who care as much as I do. Before I move on to what kind of vanilla extract you should use (as well as the amount [please note that I have found a supplier in Madagascar who is willing to provide me with high-quality vanilla beans, but we are still in negotiations, an affair filled with an unusual amount of sturm und drang. I won’t bore you with the details right now since they have no bearing on the matter at hand, although I will confess that a sticking point in the negotiations seems to be the manufacturer’s delusion that I can set him up with a weekend in Ibiza with Sue Lyon]), I mustn’t forget to tell you that only one type of bread will do in the matter of the French toast.
There is a bakery in Sussex that I have found (through great trial and error, of course) that makes small, crusty loaves which are perfect for making French toast. Not many people know about this bakery, and I would like to keep it this way (please see the confidentiality agreement attached to this memo). I have contacted the owners of this bakery and persuaded them to leave aside three loaves a week for me. My driver will take you to the bakery on Monday morning. You will have to wear a blindfold to and from the bakery. My driver will help you into the car and out of the car, leading you to the front door of the bakery, where my loaves will be ensconced in a paper bag. My driver will put the bag in your hands and you will hold onto the bag for dear life on the drive back to my estate. Normally I would just have my driver pick up the loaves, but my driver has a very obsessive and disturbing relationship with bread. The blindfold will be removed once you are back in the kitchen. Please remove one loaf from the paper bag and set aside the other two.
When cutting the bread, please do not use anything other than a serrated edge. Perhaps now would be a good time to discuss knives.
LAST night’s premier of the Princess Diana romance featured no Royals, no Paul Burrell, no Tony Blair, no white Fiat Uno, three members of the SAS, Mr and Mrs Grassy Knoll, not Princess Diana’s lover Hasnat Khan (“It is based on gossip and Diana’s friends talking about a relationship that they didn’t know much about”), lots of paparazzi, “a squirmingly embarrassing script” (Times) , “car crash cinema” (Guardian) and Kathy Lette holding up a bag that we hope had a sick-proof lining loaded with irony:
NAOMI WATTS is plugging her new film, Her Last Love, the story of her rumoured love affair with Dr Hasnat Khan:
“There were definitely moments when I felt Diana’s presence – I dreamed about her a lot, too, and that’s a first,’ says Naomi Watts. ‘I kept wondering to myself: “Would she have liked it?” So I found myself constantly asking for her permission to carry on. I had saturated myself with Diana and her life and I felt this enormous responsibility of playing this iconic woman. It felt like I was spending a lot of time with her. There was one particular moment when I felt her permission was granted. That won’t sound right in print, I know.”
THIS really does take the cake:
Dance music empire the Ministry of Sound is suing music streaming service Spotify to protect the value of its compilation albums, in an unusual test case of European intellectual property law.
The legendary clubbing empire launched proceedings in the UK High Court on Monday. It wants an injunction requiring Spotify to remove the playlists and also wants the music streaming service to permanently block other playlists that copy its compilations. The company is also seeking damages and costs.
No, they’re not suing them over having copied the music: Spotify already has all the licences it needs from the record companies. It’s not even something that Spotify is doing: it’s the users who are creating the playlists.
IN a move that in no way shows you that those who ‘talk’ to the dead are charging for something that’s a complete crock, Derek Acorah has using his ‘skills’ to read people just by looking at their phones.
The medium – known for Living TV’s Most Haunted and his impossibly bright teeth – teamed up with TalkTalk to spend the day asking members of the public to lend them their handsets.
Acorah surprised/frightened shoppers as he appeared to reveal personal details about their lives.
“I know you like music,” he told one woman, before she revealed that she’s an opera singer. Not that ‘you like music’ applies to anyone who have functioning ears.
Have a look at Acorah in action before asking yourself if you could sleep at night carrying on like that.
SO. What did happily married singer Robin Thicke say to Lana Scolaro (see above)? Lana Scolaro, 20, tells Life & Style that he allegedly said:
“I just love the fact that you’re so young.”
THIS bizarrely Christian bit of the world we live in has made it difficult for anyone not-straight to do as they please. Quite why anyone would be interested in someone’s genital interest is a quandary. Surely religious types shouldn’t worry themselves about it all, shouting ‘GOD HATES FAGS’ and threatening people with damnation – surely, if God exists, he’ll sort it out when they die or hit sinner with a plague or something?
One sticky area (don’t be so dirty) is coming out. People worry that their parents will disown them, react badly or worse still, act all groovy and say something irritatingly twee about the Kinsey Scale.
And so, with that, David Walliams has decided to throw his oar in.
OVER in Yorkshire, there’s a fall-down funny group of rappers called SY Cypher. They freestyle in a self deprecating manner, often threatening to shoot each other with guns they clearly don’t have. Their videos have been hilarious and canny, but alas, no more.
The group had to make all their videos private after they got much more attention than they bargained for, after Coronation Street/Hollyoaks alumni Chris Fountain decided to get in on the act. Appearing masked as ‘The Phantom’, Fountain did a lousy rap with a heap of crass jokes, which regrettably included something about rape.
SEXISM, bigotry, sexual assaults and other horrible things have been a hot topic over the last week or so, with notable Twitter users going on a 24 hour strike for womankind. The news picked it up, people argued and debated… and all the while, missed the story where 50 Cent was accused of domestic abuse.
Fiddy was charged with one count of misdemeanor domestic violence and four counts of misdemeanor vandalism, but he couldn’t give a toot, mocking the whole thing on Twitter and Instagram.
Here, he showed a photo of him shooting some hoops while he was supposed to be in prison.
According to police reports, 50 Cent kicked the mother of his children, and then vandalized her property (apparently, he smashed chandeliers, beat up a TV and a ransacked wardrobe) which, if guilty, sees the rapper going to prison for five years and $46,000 in fines.
TERRIBLE Tunes presents Mickey Katz ‘s K’nish Doctor.
In his biography, Katz recalls asking a radio station manager why he wouldn’t play any of his records:
I asked him why he wouldn’t play my records. He said, “Because some of our listeners are offended.”
I asked, “Who, besides you?”
He said, “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
I answered, “I think it is my business because this is how I make a living. You play Italian records, you play Polish records–”
He cut me off. “I will not play any record with Yiddish in it. Yiddish is the language of the ghetto.”
“My friend,” I said, “Yiddish is the language of our forefathers.”
“I do not care to hear it.”
“Then why don’t you play some of my instrumental records? They’re some of the greatest music in the world, played by some of the greatest musicians in the world-Ziggy Elman, Mannie Klein, Nat Farber–”
Again he cut me off mid-sentence. “There will be no Yiddish spoken, or Jewish music played, on this station.”
Katz’s other tunes include: Borscht Riders in the Sky, Old Black Smidgick, She’ll Be Coming ‘Round the Katzkills, Barber of Schlemiel, and That Pickle in the Window (How Much Is).
Speaking to the Guardian in a video interview – which will be published tomorrow – Cleese unleashed his famous grump and sneer, while no doubt furiously folding those gigantic thin arms of his.
Discussing how Twitter and other types of social media had lessened his need to co-operate with newspapers to publicise his work, he suddenly went off on one about the British press.
GOOD news everybody! The lead roles of Fifty Shades of Grey have been announced! You haven’t heard of them, but no matter, because the main bit of their job is to do a lot of sex, which is nice.
For those who must know, the British Charlie Hunnam and US actress Dakota Johnson will be taking their clothes off and talking to each other with clunky euphemisms, while Mumset tut about it all, before secretly frigging their collective pelvis off.
THANKS to a preserved rotten tooth, a Canadian dentist wants to bring back the late John Lennon back via the scientific miracle of cloning.
Edmonton tooth-botherer, Michael Zuk, claims he has sent the Beatle molar (which he bought at an auction last year for $31,000) to Penn State University, where he says “scientists are considering ways to extract the genetic code from the fragile specimen.”
EVERYONE has learned a new word this week – ‘twerking’. Everyone is tittering away about it and saying ‘I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TWERKING IS!’, almost constantly.
And so, to clear things up, Morgan Freeman is going to explain what twerking is in a new video. And then, we’ll give you an instructional video.
In the video, Freeman says:
“The word twerking has now been added to the Oxford dictionary. Here’s the definition they gave: To dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner, involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.'”
NO-ONE saw Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas getting together. He, older than Mumm-Ra, she, precious and dead-eyed, made for one of the most unusual couples in Hollywood.
With huge surprise, it turns out that they are taking a break from their marriage.
WHAT picture do you use to show the death of an Irishman? Seamus Heaney, the Irish Nobel laureate, has died at 74. Nobel laureate, best known for collections including Death of a Naturalist and Field Work, died in hospital in Dublin.
The Nobel Prize in Literature 1995 was awarded to Seamus Heaney “for works of lyrical beauty and ethical depth, which exalt everyday miracles and the living past”.
The Irish Times went with
The Times went with
The BBC went with:
And the Metro went with this….
WHAT picture do you choose to illustrate the news that Rolf Harris OBE CBE MBE, 83, has been charged with nine counts of indecent assault and four of making indecent images of children?
TV presenter Rolf Harris CBE, MBE and OBE – aka Jake the Peg and the singer to Two Little Boys; painter of the Queen’s portrait – has been charged with nine counts of indecent assault and four of making indecent images of children, police have said.
Alison Saunders, chief Crown prosecutor for London, said:
“Having completed our review, we have concluded that there is sufficient evidence and it is in the public interest for Mr Harris to be charged with nine counts of indecent assault and four of making indecent images of a child. The alleged indecent assaults date from 1980 to 1986 and relate to two complainants aged 14 and 15 at the time of the alleged offending.”
Here’s Rolf singing about touching himself.
SIR Patrick Stewart is teaching his girlfriend Sunny Ozell the finer point of the quadruple take.
For you thesps: