Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
JUSTIN Bieber is a pull-ups wearing, brattish popstar. But when he rocked up late on stage at London’s 02 he became a cause of lifelong depression. Virginia Blackburn tells Express readers:
WELL thanks for nothing, Justin Bieber, must have been the thought going through thousands of preteen minds as thousands of pre-teen hearts broke quite in two, never to be rendered whole again.
IF we’re being honest with ourselves, actors seem a bit mental don’t they? They don’t work very often and they’re the most paranoid people on Earth. Their imaginations run wild and they end up acting oddly in public.
And so, to Russell Crowe who has posted a video on YouTube which he claims shows a UFO passing by his office window in Sydney.
JENNIFER Aniston’s womb has been occupying the font-page of the National Enquirer for years. The current issue tell us that Jen is “about to become a mom”. Jen is “telling friends she has abandoned her dream of conceiving twins… and now she wants to adopt”.
WHAT did they do with Celine Dion? When the singer of the theme song to stricken vessels, My Heart Will Go On (don’t scream “Mayday” and describe your pain – just play the song loud and help will surely come your way) arrived at V magazine, what were they thinking? Not sure what to make of Celine’s outfit, so we’ll hark back to what entertainment.com said of Celine’s Dion’s super-short dress sported at the Jamaica Jazz and Blues Festival: “Celine accidentally flashes her fans!” Which leads to the question: what are yours called?
FOR some time now, Justin Bieber has been an arsehole. He’s flipped the bird at photographers, implied that women deserved to be raped, vomited on-stage, been accused of being unfaithful to Selena Gomez, smoked, boozed, not given too frigs if his fans cut themselves and now, he’s turning up late for shows showing incredible contempt for his wickle fans.
Now he’s in his late teens, he’s all set to implode. We advise you get some popcorn in and watch the show.
JUSTIN Bieber kept fans waiting two hours before he appeared on the stage at London’s O2 Arena last night. He then cut his show half an hour short. There are stories of his young fans falling asleep, making full use of the commemorative pull-ups and being bit with Michael Jackson songs whilst they waited in their seats (cost: £56 ty £330 each). Bieber went on Twitter to explain: “It’s my prostate…” No:
“Since I have been here it hasn’t been easy with the press at times but I have loved it. So let me say this… Last night i was scheduled after 3 opening acts to go on stage at 935 not 830 but because of some technical issues I got on at 10:10. So… i was 40 min late to stage. there is no excuse for that and I apologize for anyone we upset. However it was great show (sic) and Im proud of that”
BRENDAN Fraser is contesting Afton Smith’s appeal for $900,000 a year in alimony and child support. The couple have three children. To prove that he can in no way afford that, Fraser produced documents detailing his outlays. TMZ got the list. He brings in $205,704.04 income each month plus $25,800.28 in interest.
THE Daily Mail is never slow to point out, in merciless detail, the physical and sartorial shortcomings of any celebrity, be they great or small.
“When Seventies television star Peter Wyngarde was spotted out shopping near his West London home last week it was clear his fashion sense had deserted him a long time ago” ran the caption to a picture of a well-preserved gentleman in his late seventies, dressed in fashionable casual clothes.
KIM Kardashian always struck Anorak as sexless and dull, a corporate committee idea of aspiration. To others, though, she’s an inspiration. She’s also pregnant:
ERIC Burdon used to be an Animals (but he’s alright now). The lead singer with the Animals – a man remembered as John Lennon’s “eggman” – explains why he got into music:
To pull chicks! Whenever we got together in the garage to play with doors open, the next thing there’d be a bunch of girls standing around..
I FIRST read Iceberg Slim’s autobiography Pimp when I was a teenager. The title, the women, the vice and the slang made it exotic, but the story was down and dirty. The women were often wild and fierce. By the end of the book, Slim was man ho’d lived and been chewed up by life. To me, this was no glorifying of the skin game.
AMERICAN Pimp is a film about a “person with no morals“. Well, so they say… Langauge is NSFW:
I boarded a jet plane this past Friday and traveled 16 hours through the night to Washington, D.C. I was back on a plane again on Monday morning flying the reverse 16 hours back home. I was in Washington with over 40,000 other protesters for the Forward on Climate Rally …
LILY Cole, the actress and model was talking to OK! about her eco-mission to the Amazon. She did it to highlight the plight of the rainforest. She also did to to find an inner and outer calm:
“Deep in the forest, my mobile phone doesn’t work. It feels great to disconnect. They should make an area of London where you can get no phone service, so people can just disconnect for a while!”
There is, Lily. Wapping. The stairwell at Metropolitan Wharf, between floors 3 and 4. See you there, Lily. Bring yoga mats.
IT occurred to us that Eurovison might be a rich tablet of talent, but it comes round only once a year. Time to look five forgotten European gems:
Armi Ja Danny – I Want To Love You Tender
WHEN Seth MacFarlane presented the Oscars, he gave the bookers what they wanted: boobs and simple comedy that would get the young uns tuned in, and give the liberal elite who run Hollywood something to hang their credentials on.
Created by Smash the Patriarchy on B3ta:
RECENTLY, Harry Styles of One Direction, was pelted in the wang by a stray shoe, thrown from his beloved audience. This writer himself has thrown an errant trainer at The Prodigy, missing the target (Keef) by some distance and hitting the drummer’s cymbal at Reading ’96 (if you have a recording of the show, listen out for it during Poison).
Of course, this kind of behaviour is not to be cheered at… mostly. It is wilfully stupid behaviour, but alas, is all part of the rock ‘n’ roll circus.
Some musicians get bras and drugs thrown at them, which is very nice. Most however, aren’t too pleased with what comes their way.
With that, let us look at some of the most brutal bottlings and weirdest missiles aimed toward people just trying to earn a living.
TELLY’S Jason Manford exposed himself on a webcam as he paid £60 for cybersex with a stripper.
WHAT’S A Rap Attack. Mr Whodini? With their Magic’s Wand, Jalil Hutchins, Ecstasy (John Fletcher) and Grandmaster Dee (Drew Carter) will show you:
ANYONE keen to see One Direction’s lead hair, Harry Styles, getting hit in the balls can enjoy this gif:
And this video:
YOU’VE heard the same arguments against pop music time and time again, never once getting any more original, witty or incisive – ‘pop music isn’t real music’. Usually, these gripes come from crashingly dull indie bands who think they’re part of something more ‘real’ or ‘better’ because they’re stupid enough to believe that picking up a guitar and playing the same 4 chords every other indie band is playing, is somehow more valuable than anything else.
FRENCH actor Gerard Depardieu has relocated from France to Russia. It’s the ultimate celebrity travelogue. Stuff going down the Nile by boat with Joanna Lumley, traversing the Sahara with Ewan McGregor on a bike or Sue Johnston’s search for Shangri-La in Tibet. That charabanc of jobbing celebrities showing us the exotic through tourists’ eyes and the locals’ emotions has been smashed by Depardieu, who has set up home somewhere foreign and unusual. It turns out that the exotic and bizarre is not reached by Mylene Klass making a charity trip to the Philippines or Paul Merton buying a Pith helmet in India, but by a simple three-hour flight to Moscow.
How’s he getting along?