Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
THIS is how you get the girls using the Nicholas Cage Method:
WHILE Justin Bieber goes into brattish meltdown mode, saying to everyone that it isn’t fair that people are nasty to him (despite the fact that, while trying to take the moral highground after nearly punching a photographer AND slagging Lindsay Lohan off in an Instagram post), his pop pal Carly Rae Jepsen is faring much better.
After hitting the airwaves with the insanely great ‘Call Me Maybe’, she went on tour with Bieber and became a fully fledged popstar.
RIP Norman Collier. You died in Hull. You were 87. You had stop-start career in comedy. And that was the way you wanted it. Your fans are – as they must be – broken up. It was a great act:
CRAZY ol’ Dennis Rodman has been a busy boy lately. First off, he visited North Korea and gave Kim Jong Un a hug, before The Glorious Leader flew into the sky completing a series of 147s in the clouds while farting orchids. Dennis Rodman stood by with garish clothing and a load of tattoos as usual.
And now, the NBA legend has the Catholic church in his sights, intending to ride around Italy in the Popemobile while campaigning for a black Pope. Rodman wants Cardinal Peter Turkson to be elected and, while he’s there, he’ll team up with A Notable Bookmaker Who Won’t Be Getting A Free Advert Here to extol the virtue of papal betting.
IAN Berriman has reviewed The Life And Scandalous Times Of John Nathan-Turner. He died in 2002. In life, he was notable as the producer of the hit BBC TV show Doctor Who (1980-89). Given the revelations about BBC stalwart Jimmy Savile and other allegations levelled against other former BBC employees, the book’s publication is sure to be of interest to the elite in Broadcasting House.
Chapter Eight is entitled “Hanky Panky”. Author Richard Marson asks: “Was John Nathan-Turner a paedophile?”
NINETIES hip-hop is having a huge renaissance currently, mainly because it lends faux-credibility to horribly middle-class people, much like rock ‘n’ roll did in the ’70s. With that, comes a lot of opportunities for weird cash-ins. Tupac appeared as a hologram with Snoop and Dre on-stage and now, Notorious B.I.G. is to appear on our televisions as a cartoon ghost, like he’s Casper with an AK.
Biggie’s kids, CJ and T’yanna Wallace, have announced the plans, saying:
“It’s been 16 years since our dad was murdered and we miss him dearly.”
“This project is a great opportunity for us to bridge the gap between our parents, who loved his music, and the kids and young adults our ages, that were not around to really appreciate it.”
AN internet meme is based on a single photo. If that picture is of you, and you’re deemed to look like a douche, a good guy or a nutjob, then it’s hard cheese. Your internet persona is now set. Bad Luck Brian might win the lottery. But he’s till Bad Luck Brian. Success Kid has yet to sit any meaningful exams. Does everyone love Good Guy Greg? Is there no-one who has bad word to say about him? It’s a little known fact that Scumbag Steve has donated a kidney to Nelson Mandela, saved a bag of kittens from a canal and is working on a cure for cancer.
Here are the meme heroes in real life:. Featuring: Bad Luck Brian, Success Kid, Really High Guy, Hipster Barista, Sudden Clarity Clarence, Good Guy Greg, First World Problems, Overly Attached Girlfriend, Sheltering Suburban Mom and Scumbag Steve.
AT Madame Tussauds, Harry Styles and the One Direction gang are getting ready to be turned into wax figures. Turn the central heating up to 11:
Harry gets measured for Justin Bieber’s baseball cap.
The famous singer is on the left
At the Rolling Stones salon
What would Mengele say?
KIM KARDASHIAN’S face is retaining blood. Life & Style reports that she’s been having a Vampire Facelift:
“It was crazy,” a pal of Kim’s tells Life & Style about her vampire lift, which was done in Miami. “The doctor took the blood from Kim’s arm and spun it [in a centrifuge] to separate the platelets. The blood was then rubbed onto Kim’s face. After that, they did something called ‘needling,’ where all these little needles prick the skin and let the platelets seep in. It was so gross!”
JENNIFER Love Hewitt is talking to USA Today about her precious 36C bosoms:
“I need, like, an insurance invitation. If somebody was like, ‘Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million dollars,’ I’d be like, ‘Do it. Love it! Why not? These things right here are worth $5 million!”
JAMES Franco and his Oz doll are on the Walk of Fame, reading books and being at large. Franco is the likeable weed dealer in Pineapple Expres, Sean Penn’s lover in Milk, himself playing others in Erased James Franco, ‘Franco’ in General Hospital, and in the stage show Masculinity and Me, reportedly, he peppered his monologues with footage of a urinating penis and a defecating anus.
In one photograph of James and his new pal, the near-catatonic Franco clutches Little Franco like his onetime Oscar co-host Anne Hathaway holds her Oscar. Tightly. Never letting go.
At last they’re having fun. An they’re not creepy, like Karl and his pocket love toy:
WALTZ of the Two Lips (Trombone Silliness) features the lips of Peter Ellefson, Professor at Indiana University. It is, is it not, putting the bone in trombone:
Spotter: Ann Althouse
SO. Farwell, Justin Bieber, You came late; your left earl; you fainted; and you told a paparazzi you’d “f****** beat the f*** out” him. The pap had told Bieber to “get back to America”. He’s Canadian. American might have brought the world, drones, hydrogenated fat and one kind of cheese but do not lay Biber at their door. Do your research.
Thankfully, Bieber’s minders prevented carnage by restraining the singer with a wet paper bag.
LAST week, Alvin Lee of Ten Years After died. He was just 68. On Lee’s website we read:
With great sadness we have to announce that Alvin unexpectedly passed away early this morning after unforseen complications following a routine surgical procedure. We have lost a wonderful much-loved father and companion, the world has lost a truly great and gifted musician. Jasmin, Evi and Suzanne.”
Lee left Ten Years After in 1973. He then recorded 14 solo albums.
Ten Years After were popular in their native UK, but it in 1969, when they wowed Woodstock, that things went big. That was Lee’s defining moment. Not every musician gets one.
Lester Bangs said Lee was a “…crude sonic Model T, who could not only reproduce Chuck Berry licks by the bushel, but play them at 78 rpm as well:
HOLLY Madison, former queue jumper to Hugh Hefner, has named her child Rainbow Aurora Rotella. The Rotella part can be explained by the daddy’s name being Pasquale Rotella. The Rainbow Aurora is competitive name. I see Beyonce’s Ivy Blue and I raise you an entire rainbow.
JUSTIN Bieber’s London shows are making news. Having turned up two hours late on the first night (children left in tears to catch trains home), the pop amoeba with great hair (it’s all about the hair) left the stage mid-song because he was “light of breath”. He then fainted backstage.
Bieber did as he must and took to Twitter: “Thanks for everyone pulling me thru tonight. Best fans in the world. Figuring out what happened. Thanks for the love.”
JUSTIN Bieber is a pull-ups wearing, brattish popstar. But when he rocked up late on stage at London’s 02 he became a cause of lifelong depression. Virginia Blackburn tells Express readers:
WELL thanks for nothing, Justin Bieber, must have been the thought going through thousands of preteen minds as thousands of pre-teen hearts broke quite in two, never to be rendered whole again.
IF we’re being honest with ourselves, actors seem a bit mental don’t they? They don’t work very often and they’re the most paranoid people on Earth. Their imaginations run wild and they end up acting oddly in public.
And so, to Russell Crowe who has posted a video on YouTube which he claims shows a UFO passing by his office window in Sydney.
JENNIFER Aniston’s womb has been occupying the font-page of the National Enquirer for years. The current issue tell us that Jen is “about to become a mom”. Jen is “telling friends she has abandoned her dream of conceiving twins… and now she wants to adopt”.
WHAT did they do with Celine Dion? When the singer of the theme song to stricken vessels, My Heart Will Go On (don’t scream “Mayday” and describe your pain – just play the song loud and help will surely come your way) arrived at V magazine, what were they thinking? Not sure what to make of Celine’s outfit, so we’ll hark back to what entertainment.com said of Celine’s Dion’s super-short dress sported at the Jamaica Jazz and Blues Festival: “Celine accidentally flashes her fans!” Which leads to the question: what are yours called?
FOR some time now, Justin Bieber has been an arsehole. He’s flipped the bird at photographers, implied that women deserved to be raped, vomited on-stage, been accused of being unfaithful to Selena Gomez, smoked, boozed, not given too frigs if his fans cut themselves and now, he’s turning up late for shows showing incredible contempt for his wickle fans.
Now he’s in his late teens, he’s all set to implode. We advise you get some popcorn in and watch the show.
JUSTIN Bieber kept fans waiting two hours before he appeared on the stage at London’s O2 Arena last night. He then cut his show half an hour short. There are stories of his young fans falling asleep, making full use of the commemorative pull-ups and being bit with Michael Jackson songs whilst they waited in their seats (cost: £56 ty £330 each). Bieber went on Twitter to explain: “It’s my prostate…” No:
“Since I have been here it hasn’t been easy with the press at times but I have loved it. So let me say this… Last night i was scheduled after 3 opening acts to go on stage at 935 not 830 but because of some technical issues I got on at 10:10. So… i was 40 min late to stage. there is no excuse for that and I apologize for anyone we upset. However it was great show (sic) and Im proud of that”
BRENDAN Fraser is contesting Afton Smith’s appeal for $900,000 a year in alimony and child support. The couple have three children. To prove that he can in no way afford that, Fraser produced documents detailing his outlays. TMZ got the list. He brings in $205,704.04 income each month plus $25,800.28 in interest.
THE Daily Mail is never slow to point out, in merciless detail, the physical and sartorial shortcomings of any celebrity, be they great or small.
“When Seventies television star Peter Wyngarde was spotted out shopping near his West London home last week it was clear his fashion sense had deserted him a long time ago” ran the caption to a picture of a well-preserved gentleman in his late seventies, dressed in fashionable casual clothes.