Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
APOLOGIES for being little late on this one. Bruce Willis has been on The One Show, the BBC’s bigger budget local news-style telly show. It was painful. Matt Baker and Alex Jones didn’t so much interview Willis as collide with him, Armageddon style. Willis came over as a pillock. Baker was simpering. Jones was creeping.
The choicest cut was when the melting, obsequious duo asked Willis: “When you stared 25 years ago, did you think you’d get a fifth instalment of Die Hard?”
Willis: “Do you even know what’s happening ten minutes from now?”
Add it to the list:
JESUS Is My Nigga “Pastor Rap”. It’s American pastor Jim Colerick and his wife, Mary Sue, doin’ Rappin’ for Jesus.
My crew is big and it keeps getting bigga, that’s cause Jesus Christ is my ni**a!
We can’t find much news on Colerick. But rumours are that he operates at West Dubuque 2nd Church Of Christ.
If it is a spoof, it’s a pretty good one. These, however, are true. Really. This actually happened. These tunes prove the point: the Devil has all the best songs:
MARTINE McCutcheon, aka EastEnders‘ Tiffany Mitchell and Martine Kimberley Sherri Ponting, of Esher, Surrey, has been declared bankrupt. Her “largest creditor” is Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.
THE Pope has resigned. Many of his workmates were shocked at the surprise announcement. But Benedict XVI is not the first. There’s precedent there:
RIP Paul Tanner, the musician who played trombone with the Glenn Miller Orchestra and who, with Bob Whitsell, created the Electro-Theremin.
Spotter: The Poke
THE Daily Mail has a well-earned reputation online for spinning a story from a paparazzi photo of a celebrity in a bikini. The story routinely includes the words “[insert name] parades her figure” or “[insert name] parades her pregnancy bump”, “[insert name] parades her curves” or “[insert name] parades her breasts / buttock. thighs“. So. Mail writer Clare Coulson got to thinking. And she’s come up with anew angle: ears.
Showing off their ear-ogenous zones: The bizarre body part the A-listers are flashing on the red carpet
WITH the news of Disney making a film about a young Han Solo (good move really as Han Solo is a cocky arse, which can only make for thrills and spills), some Star Wars fans will be weeping into their laps because they don’t like the idea of Mickey Mouse having anything to do with George Lucas’ brainchild (yeah, and he really looked after the franchise didn’t he?).
And so, in a bid to stop any of these new Star Wars films from taking off, an unlikely project has arisen: Star Wars fans have raised £75,000 to build an actual Death Star.
DID you stay up to see Beyonce perform in New Orleans? It was tough going. In the UK, the show was broadcast in the early hours of the morning. To make it harder to stay up that late, the event was squashed between something called the NFL Super Bowl XLVII football game, a contest between the lycra-clad San Francisco 49ers and the shoulder-heavy Baltimore Ravens. Staying awake was testing for any metrosexuals not into 1980s fashions. But if you put in the hard yards, Beyonce was there. You got to see Destiny’s Child reunited – shame the extra ladies lost their voices whenever Beyonce sang ,or their Mr Microphones had failed at the last – and the birth of the Beyonce Derp meme. How committed to the show was Beyonce? Get a load of the game face. She was all in:
FOR the past two weeks, OK! has led with news of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, aka Speidi. Having paid big to get the US reality TV star on Celebrity Big Brother, Richard Desmond is keen to eke out their fame in his mag.
In week one, we read how their experiences in the CBB house “made them need each other even more”. Such is the way of a twosome given the one-name treatment. Heidi will forever be the Alpine girl done good, and Spencer is what comes after Frank and a whoopsie. They need each other to exist, like Marks without Spencer, Laurel without Hardy or John Merrick and the elephants.
KAI the homefree hatchet-swinging Hitchiker is a hit on the web. For the story of Kai’s heroism, as told to Fox News in the best Homeric tradition, go here. For the autotune remix, listen up:
ONE day theEuroVision masters will realise that they are sitting on a gold. Forget the voting. Just play every act that wants to enter the show one after the other. No judges. No voiceovers. Nothing added. Just people on stage singing. To kick of the newlook show, here’s Azerbaijan’s Yan Kasepava showing Gloria Gaynor the door:
David Beckham, Jimmy Savile, Ronnie Irani, Maggie Thatcher and Jeffrey Archer: the five biggest charity boasters
THEY do a lot of work for charity, and they DO like to mention it!
When it comes to self-promotion you have to hand it to him. Transfer deadline day arrives and instead of talking about a 22-year-old Brazilian or Portuguese hotshot on his way to Chelsea or Manchester to City, the media is frothing with excitement over a 37-year-old former international whose main purpose these days is to sell merchandise with his name on.
CHRIS Rock has been speaking truth to power:
“It’s [the USA] ready for a retarded president, why wouldn’t it be ready for an African American president?”
MAD Magazine is a film. WhenWe Went Mad is a documentarythat MAD Magazine over the past 60 years.” You get to put faces to Al Jaffee, Sergio Aragones, Arnie Kogen, Jack Davis, and Al Feldstein.
TO Belo Horizonte, Brazil, where police have arrested three suspected criminals named John Lennon. It’s testament of Lennon’s enduring popularity that John Lennon Ribeiro Siqueira, arrested for plotting to rob a lottery agency, is just 19.
Suspected burglar John Lennon Fonseca Ferreira is 22. Suspected five-time killer John Lenon Camargos Gomes is also 22.
AWWW! Gerraload of Shakira and Barcelona footballer Gerard Pique’s son Milan. This is him showcased on the UNICEF website. The parents invite onlookers to dig deep:
“We hope that, in his name, other less privileged children in the world can have their basic needs covered through gifts and donations. Thank you for sharing this unforgettable moment with us.”
Less privileged than Milan the Thumb?
ABS Breen (now Abz Love), of newly remade boyband 5ive claims he shagged lots of females – 500 to 1,000 and 80% was between the age of 15 to 17“.
“I went on a bit of a mad one and nearly killed myself. Seriously. Now I live on a farm and I’m a good boy now.”
HARRY Styles, One Direction’s lead haircut, is the subject of a story about his “WILD NIGHT” (Sun) with a stripper. Styles (stated hobbies: “Frisbee golf and Lego”) has been pictured watching a stripper at his 19th birthday do at The Alibi club Dalston, East London. He tells the Sun: “I was in stitches, it was really funny.”
“I have never seen my manager run so quick to cover the CCTV cameras but the pictures got out anyway.”
IN readiness for the birth of Coleen Rooney’s child – Mrs Wayne Rooney once tweeted “Stressful nursery run! #jetlag”, leading us to wonder how far the rich got to educate their children – Liverpool jewellers Russell & Case has produced a solid platinum dummy. The dummy weighs more than two hundred and fifty grammes, and is yours for £54,000. Of course, given the experience, it would be any idea to secure the dummy to the child’s ermine babygrow with a something suitable, like a string of pearls or the contents of Mr T’s safe…