Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
THIS really does take the cake:
Dance music empire the Ministry of Sound is suing music streaming service Spotify to protect the value of its compilation albums, in an unusual test case of European intellectual property law.
The legendary clubbing empire launched proceedings in the UK High Court on Monday. It wants an injunction requiring Spotify to remove the playlists and also wants the music streaming service to permanently block other playlists that copy its compilations. The company is also seeking damages and costs.
No, they’re not suing them over having copied the music: Spotify already has all the licences it needs from the record companies. It’s not even something that Spotify is doing: it’s the users who are creating the playlists.
IN a move that in no way shows you that those who ‘talk’ to the dead are charging for something that’s a complete crock, Derek Acorah has using his ‘skills’ to read people just by looking at their phones.
The medium – known for Living TV’s Most Haunted and his impossibly bright teeth – teamed up with TalkTalk to spend the day asking members of the public to lend them their handsets.
Acorah surprised/frightened shoppers as he appeared to reveal personal details about their lives.
“I know you like music,” he told one woman, before she revealed that she’s an opera singer. Not that ‘you like music’ applies to anyone who have functioning ears.
Have a look at Acorah in action before asking yourself if you could sleep at night carrying on like that.
SO. What did happily married singer Robin Thicke say to Lana Scolaro (see above)? Lana Scolaro, 20, tells Life & Style that he allegedly said:
“I just love the fact that you’re so young.”
THIS bizarrely Christian bit of the world we live in has made it difficult for anyone not-straight to do as they please. Quite why anyone would be interested in someone’s genital interest is a quandary. Surely religious types shouldn’t worry themselves about it all, shouting ‘GOD HATES FAGS’ and threatening people with damnation – surely, if God exists, he’ll sort it out when they die or hit sinner with a plague or something?
One sticky area (don’t be so dirty) is coming out. People worry that their parents will disown them, react badly or worse still, act all groovy and say something irritatingly twee about the Kinsey Scale.
And so, with that, David Walliams has decided to throw his oar in.
OVER in Yorkshire, there’s a fall-down funny group of rappers called SY Cypher. They freestyle in a self deprecating manner, often threatening to shoot each other with guns they clearly don’t have. Their videos have been hilarious and canny, but alas, no more.
The group had to make all their videos private after they got much more attention than they bargained for, after Coronation Street/Hollyoaks alumni Chris Fountain decided to get in on the act. Appearing masked as ‘The Phantom’, Fountain did a lousy rap with a heap of crass jokes, which regrettably included something about rape.
SEXISM, bigotry, sexual assaults and other horrible things have been a hot topic over the last week or so, with notable Twitter users going on a 24 hour strike for womankind. The news picked it up, people argued and debated… and all the while, missed the story where 50 Cent was accused of domestic abuse.
Fiddy was charged with one count of misdemeanor domestic violence and four counts of misdemeanor vandalism, but he couldn’t give a toot, mocking the whole thing on Twitter and Instagram.
Here, he showed a photo of him shooting some hoops while he was supposed to be in prison.
According to police reports, 50 Cent kicked the mother of his children, and then vandalized her property (apparently, he smashed chandeliers, beat up a TV and a ransacked wardrobe) which, if guilty, sees the rapper going to prison for five years and $46,000 in fines.
TERRIBLE Tunes presents Mickey Katz ‘s K’nish Doctor.
In his biography, Katz recalls asking a radio station manager why he wouldn’t play any of his records:
I asked him why he wouldn’t play my records. He said, “Because some of our listeners are offended.”
I asked, “Who, besides you?”
He said, “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
I answered, “I think it is my business because this is how I make a living. You play Italian records, you play Polish records–”
He cut me off. “I will not play any record with Yiddish in it. Yiddish is the language of the ghetto.”
“My friend,” I said, “Yiddish is the language of our forefathers.”
“I do not care to hear it.”
“Then why don’t you play some of my instrumental records? They’re some of the greatest music in the world, played by some of the greatest musicians in the world-Ziggy Elman, Mannie Klein, Nat Farber–”
Again he cut me off mid-sentence. “There will be no Yiddish spoken, or Jewish music played, on this station.”
Katz’s other tunes include: Borscht Riders in the Sky, Old Black Smidgick, She’ll Be Coming ‘Round the Katzkills, Barber of Schlemiel, and That Pickle in the Window (How Much Is).
Speaking to the Guardian in a video interview – which will be published tomorrow – Cleese unleashed his famous grump and sneer, while no doubt furiously folding those gigantic thin arms of his.
Discussing how Twitter and other types of social media had lessened his need to co-operate with newspapers to publicise his work, he suddenly went off on one about the British press.
GOOD news everybody! The lead roles of Fifty Shades of Grey have been announced! You haven’t heard of them, but no matter, because the main bit of their job is to do a lot of sex, which is nice.
For those who must know, the British Charlie Hunnam and US actress Dakota Johnson will be taking their clothes off and talking to each other with clunky euphemisms, while Mumset tut about it all, before secretly frigging their collective pelvis off.
THANKS to a preserved rotten tooth, a Canadian dentist wants to bring back the late John Lennon back via the scientific miracle of cloning.
Edmonton tooth-botherer, Michael Zuk, claims he has sent the Beatle molar (which he bought at an auction last year for $31,000) to Penn State University, where he says “scientists are considering ways to extract the genetic code from the fragile specimen.”
EVERYONE has learned a new word this week – ‘twerking’. Everyone is tittering away about it and saying ‘I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TWERKING IS!’, almost constantly.
And so, to clear things up, Morgan Freeman is going to explain what twerking is in a new video. And then, we’ll give you an instructional video.
In the video, Freeman says:
“The word twerking has now been added to the Oxford dictionary. Here’s the definition they gave: To dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner, involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.'”
NO-ONE saw Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas getting together. He, older than Mumm-Ra, she, precious and dead-eyed, made for one of the most unusual couples in Hollywood.
With huge surprise, it turns out that they are taking a break from their marriage.
WHAT picture do you use to show the death of an Irishman? Seamus Heaney, the Irish Nobel laureate, has died at 74. Nobel laureate, best known for collections including Death of a Naturalist and Field Work, died in hospital in Dublin.
The Nobel Prize in Literature 1995 was awarded to Seamus Heaney “for works of lyrical beauty and ethical depth, which exalt everyday miracles and the living past”.
The Irish Times went with
The Times went with
The BBC went with:
And the Metro went with this….
WHAT picture do you choose to illustrate the news that Rolf Harris OBE CBE MBE, 83, has been charged with nine counts of indecent assault and four of making indecent images of children?
TV presenter Rolf Harris CBE, MBE and OBE – aka Jake the Peg and the singer to Two Little Boys; painter of the Queen’s portrait – has been charged with nine counts of indecent assault and four of making indecent images of children, police have said.
Alison Saunders, chief Crown prosecutor for London, said:
“Having completed our review, we have concluded that there is sufficient evidence and it is in the public interest for Mr Harris to be charged with nine counts of indecent assault and four of making indecent images of a child. The alleged indecent assaults date from 1980 to 1986 and relate to two complainants aged 14 and 15 at the time of the alleged offending.”
Here’s Rolf singing about touching himself.
SIR Patrick Stewart is teaching his girlfriend Sunny Ozell the finer point of the quadruple take.
For you thesps:
JAMIE Oliver wants to call you names. He sees it as his job. He has called you “idiots” for letting your children eat “junk food” (defined as food Jamie doesn’t like eating). Because in Jamie’s world where facts are unimportant and what children enjoy eating (salty fat) will lead to them dying before their parents and vomiting faeces (Oliver school of junk science), mum and dad are “tossers” and “arseholes” for allowing children to drink fizzy pop and eat sweets. It is “close to child abuse” says Jamie.
Jamie’s the mockney moraliser who looked at a parent and noted “the mum and the kid eating chips and cheese out of Styrofoam containers, and behind them is a massive fucking TV”. In Joyless Jamie’s world the poor kids should eat vegetables and listen to the radio, or watch Jamie’s TV shows in black and white; good and bad food given the monochrome treatment.
Jamie says fast food is “the most expensive way to hydrate and feed their families” . Parents should “grab ten mangetout for dinner that night”.
Now Jamie is attacking the young. Jamie says young British people are “wet behind the ears” and European immigrants are “tougher” workers.
This follows white middle-class Jamie’s other news that the ethnics are more in tune with his intolerant message:
“The sad thing is that generally ethnic kids and ethnic dinner ladies embrace either the cooking or the eating 10 times quicker than what we have learned to call ‘white trash’… This doesn’t mean they are bad people – far from it, just that ethnic minorities have a bigger sense of family, culture, have a use for the dinner table in the house and use food as a way of celebrating and communicating and being a family. It sounds very sad but in my experience it’s totally true. But, it doesn’t mean the harder kids won’t get turned around, it just takes a little longer.’
The poor whites are Jamie’s target. Jamie (value: £150m) is the council estate missionary teaching the low-lives his eating positions: sit up straight at the table and swallow his shit.
BAD Ad Watch: Status Quo for Australian shop Coles:
Are you with the Quo or Adele, who said:
“I don’t want my name anywhere near another brand. I don’t wanna be tainted, or haunted, and I don’t wanna sell out in any way. I think it’s shameful.”
Was Bill Hicks right – are the Quo now “off the artistic roll call forever. You’re another whore at the capitalist gang bang … Everything you say is suspect and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink.”
Are the Quo selling groceries or just selling out?
EVERYONE is talking about Miley Cyrus today. Why? Well, in a move which is incredibly unusual for pop stars, she danced provocatively while wearing not many clothes while singing a song.
Her now notorious performance at the MTV VMAs has, mystifyingly, drawn complaints… especially from a parenting pressure group over in America.
The Parents Television Council (PTC, who never complain about anything, honest) issued a complaint against the channel over the 20-year-old’s routine and said that the show should not have been rated as suitable for 14 year olds, adding: “Heads should roll at MTV.”
SOPHIE Anderton is the former British celebrity billed at various times in her career as a supermodel, face of the 2006’s National Egg Awareness Campaign and coke-snorting prostitute. She is now featuring on Celebrity Big Brother. The much-missed News of the World exposed the sex for sale thus:
In a sensational secret rendezvous with a News of the World undercover man, the leggy supermodel STRIPPED to her G-string and Christian Louboutin stilettos and spread herself across the bed.
“I’m great at sex,” Sophie bragged as she beckoned our reporter to romp with her. “I’ll be a lot of fun. I’ll look great on your fucking arm. I’m a supermodel.”
JEAN E. Hill has died. The actress most memorably appeared on greeting cards and played Grizelda Brown in John Waters’ Desperate Living:
SO. What does rhyme with Robin Thicke’s question of the summer: “What rhymes with hug me?”
REVEALING THE MYSTERY BEHIND THE SONG OF THE SUMMER.
WHAT RHYMES WITH HUG ME?
NO-ONE loves music more than teenagers and, no-one loves One Direction more than teenager girls. With that, Channel 4 decided to air a documentary about 1D’s fans, painting them in a less than flattering light. That’s Channel 4’s forte at the minute, mocking people who need a council house, can’t speak English, are part of the travelling community and people on benefits.
If you’re working class or foreign in Britain, you can thank Channel 4 for turning your social media feeds into something akin to a UKIP rally.