Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
MICHAEL Winner has died. He’ll be missed:
ONLY insane people like spiders. People are rightly terrified of them. They’ve got too many eyes, too many legs, fart out indestructible silk and probably lay eggs in your tear-ducts when you’re asleep. As such, when we see spiders, we either run away shrieking or roll up the newspaper and go to town on their horrible, shining abdomens.
AN ambulance crew took more than 40 minutes to reach a critically ill baby because they were on a lunch break, his parents said last night. Eight-week-old Thomas Passant “died” for four minutes before being resuscitated after a heart attack and is still fighting for his life. He has undergone 14 hours of open-heart surgery and faces a life of disability.
Parents Kate Oram and Matthew Passant called West Midlands Ambulance Service after Thomas had a cardiac arrest at their home in Bridgnorth, Shropshire, on December 17. They were stunned when the operator told them the crew was unavailable as it was on a lunch break.
YESTERDAY The People published an apology to former The Saint and James Bond star Sir Roger Moore:
On 16 September we published an article headed “I’ve had Moore women than James Bond” which claimed that Sir Roger Moore had recently spoken exclusively to The People and made comments to our journalist about his private life. We now accept that Sir Roger did not give an interview to our reporter and did not make the comments that were reported in the headline.
We apologise for any distress and embarrassment our article has caused to Sir Roger Moore and we have agreed to pay him damages and legal costs.
THE BBC wanted to opurge the place of Jimmy Savile. The BBC cleansed Savile from its Desert Island Discs database. This is the BBC that came up with the vacuous decision to edit out an appearance of Jonathan King on a 1976 edition of Top of the Pops for a BBC4 rerun. King was convicted and jailed for sex with underage teenage boys a few years back, but what could be the rationale for this show ‘laundering’; this charade that King never existed?
Others to be erased from the BBC’s archives: Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Ike Turner, Michael Jackson (OK never convicted, but, y’know….), Boy George, Gary Glitter, Sid Vicious and Phil Spector. And anything and eveything they ever worked on, and projects they helped to create.
CATNIP: EGRESS TO OBLIVION?
Catnip is all the rage with today’s modern feline, but do we really understand it? This film frankly discusses the facts about this controversial substance.
Watch more short films curated by Sundance Institute: youtube.com/screeningroom
Written and Directed by Jason Willis. Starring Giovanni Dominice, Neil Kight and Terry Easley.
WHY did Katie Price marry a plasterer? Well, have you seen her make-up? So goes the joke about Katie’s latest marriage, this one to part-time stripper and housing erector Kieran ‘Loud’ Hayler. The Sun leads with the news, summing up Katie’s marriage and career in two paragraphs:
KATIE Price has secretly married hubby No3 — and our exclusive picture from the ceremony shows one of her famous boobs making an escape. The 34-year-old model wed Kieran Hayler, 25, on a sun-kissed Bahamas beach and has revealed how she did so on the advice of a PSYCHIC.
JODIE Foster came out of her crystal closet when she accepted her Golden Globe with a speech that took swipes at people like Elen Degeneres who are open about their homosexuality.
Having rocked up to the AGM with the charmless Mel Gibson, Foster went on about herself. Forget the thanks to her co-stars and those who worked on the show that won her a gong and focus on Jodie:
I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the Stone Age, in those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends and family, co-workers, and then gradually, proudly, to everyone who knew her, to everyone she actually met. But now, apparently, I’m told that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance, and a prime-time reality show.
TRICIA Messeroux showcases the Hollywood production line in ToddleWood. Forget nepotism. Recycling is the future:
IT must be depressing being in a 90s boyband these days. Who remembers you? Barely no-one. If they do, they’re invariably crazed old fans, ravaged by time and still lustily chasing after you while ignoring their furious partners and children.
And so, while Kavana and Gina G Skype each other about temping for office work, 5ive have decided to leave the 90s behind and get modern, by posting a classified on Facebook in a bid to find a new fifth member.
SO. David Bowie’s somewhat nondescript new single hit number one, and the newspapers are hailing his new album as a masterpiece, as they have done with every album he has produced since his last commercially successful ‘LP’ (as then was) 33 years ago.
Those themselves under the age of 33 might be forgiven for wondering what all the fuss is about, but the fact is that Bowie remains the sole pop artist worthy of standing alongside the giants of the 1960s. Between 1969 and 1977 he produced a series of albums to rank, in their range and quality, with those of Bob Dylan, the Beatles, the Beach Boys, the Who and the rest. Some would go further and argue that his mid-sixties, late seventies and early eighties work deserves equal billing too.
IN Esquire, you can read an interview with Megan Fox. Stephen Marche reports. Highlights are many. Fox has a history of delivering airy bon mots. You can read out collection of her best here. After this article, however, that will need updating:
He likes her looks:
The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It’s not really even that beautiful. It’s closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless.
(Marche cold always get a job at the Sun.)
GERRALOAD of those legs at the Golden Globes. Halle Berry, Miranda Kerr and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley were all out to prove that stars do have rral legs and not robotic limbs made of snake placenta and Tom Cruise stacks. It’s the Angelina Jolie effect, they say. But what says Sarah Vine in the Times?
LES Miserables won the Best Comedy Or Musical (spoiler: the ending is hilarious), and Anne Hathaway won a golden marital aide for her sideboard. She gasped. She gushed. She said:
“Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self doubt.”
DAVID Thompson nails them:
For some, professions of egalitarianism and socialist belly fire are a kind of rhetorical chaff – a way to elevate oneself as More Compassionate Than Thou, while deflecting envy from below. (“Please don’t hate me for being richer than you. Look, over there – they have even more, or almost as much – let’s all hiss at them!”) Vicarious philanthropy – giving away freely other people’s earnings – is a remarkably effective ruse, so much so it seems to encourage a certain disregard for dissonance, as demonstrated, for example, by the Guardian’s editor Alan Rusbridger in this comical exchange with Piers Morgan. And by the Guardian’s imperious class warrior Polly Toynbee, whose rhetoric was contrasted with her actual lifestyle and was promptly reduced to indignant spluttering on national television. Similar obliviousness is also displayed by the millionaire actor Jeremy Irons, who denounces consumerism and asks, “How many clothes do people need?” All while owning no fewer than seven houses, one of which is a peach-coloured castle. No, you’re not allowed to laugh. Because his wife is also very Green and “deeply socialist.”
AT the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards in Los Angeles, actresses Anna Gunn, Mayim Bialik, Alyssa Milano and Emily Mortimer audition fopr the Roman Salve epic I Vadis:
PIERS Morgan will come home to the UK when Americans tired of his views on guns get to deport him. Morgan is accused of using guns to show-off and promote his TV show. Andrew Sullivan is unimpressed:
We absolutely should have this debate – in as reasonable and calm a fashion possible, if only out of some shred of respect to the twenty murdered children in Newtown and their families. Instead we got a rolling freak-show designed entirely for ratings, since Morgan has never actually practised anything but gutter tabloid journalism and once sent an email to a policeman aggrieved by Morgan’s disgusting contempt for the privacy and dignity of anyone in public life: “fame and crime sends most of the usual rules out of the window.” Hence the phone hacking which forced the closure of the newspaper, The News Of The World, he once edited, and his being fired from the second tabloid he edited for publishing fake photographs of supposed prisoner abuse by British soldiers.
KATIE Price is marrying Kieran Hayler. This is him in photos. She will become Mrs Hayler, aka Loud Hayler:
HOW can you prove that Jimmy Savile sexually abused you? Savile’s alleged victims are vying for a shared of his £4.3 million estate plus compensation form the NHS, schools, the BBC and what institutions failed to stop Savile and provided a venue for his deviancy.
Pannone is one law firm handling complaint against Savile. The company has issued press releases, such as:
October 22, 2012:
A leading abuse case lawyer whose firm is representing victims of disgraced DJ Jimmy Savile, says Publicist Max Clifford must tell the police what he knows about other ‘stars’ of the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s and any possible misconduct on their behalf.
DAVID Bowie is back with anew album. Is it as good as his best? Tony Visconti produced 12 Bowie albums. He tells Tim Teeman:
During the making of Young Americans  he was taking so much cocaine it would have killed a horse. Cocaine certainly almost killed me. During the making of that album I nearly died. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I worked day and night. He’d come in to the studio at 11pm and work till 11am. One day I said, ‘I have to pack it in, the cocaine isn’t propping me up any more. I cannot stay awake. On the way home my heart felt like it was going to explode. I didn’t want to cause a scandal for him and me by going to hospital, so I took 12 sleeping pills — no suicidal intent, just to slow my heart and it did and I survived. We’d have both been dead if we’d carried on. There was a myth it wasn’t habit-forming back then. Foolishly we believed that. It was a social drug and socially acceptable. You went to any cocktail party and somebody put a line or spoon under your nose and you said ‘Oh, thank you.’ I know people who sold their homes to feed their habit. For us there was no limit.”
WHO or what killed Jorge Selaron, the Chilean artist who created Rio de Janeiro’s Escadaria Selaron (Selaron Stairs). The steps lead to the Convent of Santa Teresa. His body was found on those famous steps. The BBC says police are investigating reports he had received death threats.
CHANNEL 4 news has a mixed record with interviews. In this interview, Krishnan Guru-Murthy asks foot fetishist Quentin Tarantino about violence in his new film, Django Unchained. Tarantino isn’t keen to answer. He’s there to talk about the film. He wants us to watch it. Guru-Murthy wants to talk about things in the film that only the critics have seen. He wants to talk about violence. But without the context of the film, his question is fishing for tabloid sensation.