Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
JAMIE Oliver wants to call you names. He sees it as his job. He has called you “idiots” for letting your children eat “junk food” (defined as food Jamie doesn’t like eating). Because in Jamie’s world where facts are unimportant and what children enjoy eating (salty fat) will lead to them dying before their parents and vomiting faeces (Oliver school of junk science), mum and dad are “tossers” and “arseholes” for allowing children to drink fizzy pop and eat sweets. It is “close to child abuse” says Jamie.
Jamie’s the mockney moraliser who looked at a parent and noted “the mum and the kid eating chips and cheese out of Styrofoam containers, and behind them is a massive fucking TV”. In Joyless Jamie’s world the poor kids should eat vegetables and listen to the radio, or watch Jamie’s TV shows in black and white; good and bad food given the monochrome treatment.
Jamie says fast food is “the most expensive way to hydrate and feed their families” . Parents should “grab ten mangetout for dinner that night”.
Now Jamie is attacking the young. Jamie says young British people are “wet behind the ears” and European immigrants are “tougher” workers.
This follows white middle-class Jamie’s other news that the ethnics are more in tune with his intolerant message:
“The sad thing is that generally ethnic kids and ethnic dinner ladies embrace either the cooking or the eating 10 times quicker than what we have learned to call ‘white trash’… This doesn’t mean they are bad people – far from it, just that ethnic minorities have a bigger sense of family, culture, have a use for the dinner table in the house and use food as a way of celebrating and communicating and being a family. It sounds very sad but in my experience it’s totally true. But, it doesn’t mean the harder kids won’t get turned around, it just takes a little longer.’
The poor whites are Jamie’s target. Jamie (value: £150m) is the council estate missionary teaching the low-lives his eating positions: sit up straight at the table and swallow his shit.
BAD Ad Watch: Status Quo for Australian shop Coles:
Are you with the Quo or Adele, who said:
“I don’t want my name anywhere near another brand. I don’t wanna be tainted, or haunted, and I don’t wanna sell out in any way. I think it’s shameful.”
Was Bill Hicks right – are the Quo now “off the artistic roll call forever. You’re another whore at the capitalist gang bang … Everything you say is suspect and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink.”
Are the Quo selling groceries or just selling out?
EVERYONE is talking about Miley Cyrus today. Why? Well, in a move which is incredibly unusual for pop stars, she danced provocatively while wearing not many clothes while singing a song.
Her now notorious performance at the MTV VMAs has, mystifyingly, drawn complaints… especially from a parenting pressure group over in America.
The Parents Television Council (PTC, who never complain about anything, honest) issued a complaint against the channel over the 20-year-old’s routine and said that the show should not have been rated as suitable for 14 year olds, adding: “Heads should roll at MTV.”
SOPHIE Anderton is the former British celebrity billed at various times in her career as a supermodel, face of the 2006’s National Egg Awareness Campaign and coke-snorting prostitute. She is now featuring on Celebrity Big Brother. The much-missed News of the World exposed the sex for sale thus:
In a sensational secret rendezvous with a News of the World undercover man, the leggy supermodel STRIPPED to her G-string and Christian Louboutin stilettos and spread herself across the bed.
“I’m great at sex,” Sophie bragged as she beckoned our reporter to romp with her. “I’ll be a lot of fun. I’ll look great on your fucking arm. I’m a supermodel.”
JEAN E. Hill has died. The actress most memorably appeared on greeting cards and played Grizelda Brown in John Waters’ Desperate Living:
SO. What does rhyme with Robin Thicke’s question of the summer: “What rhymes with hug me?”
REVEALING THE MYSTERY BEHIND THE SONG OF THE SUMMER.
WHAT RHYMES WITH HUG ME?
NO-ONE loves music more than teenagers and, no-one loves One Direction more than teenager girls. With that, Channel 4 decided to air a documentary about 1D’s fans, painting them in a less than flattering light. That’s Channel 4’s forte at the minute, mocking people who need a council house, can’t speak English, are part of the travelling community and people on benefits.
If you’re working class or foreign in Britain, you can thank Channel 4 for turning your social media feeds into something akin to a UKIP rally.
THERE has been quite the hubbub about Jeremy Paxman and his beard this week, with some people near-orgasmic in praise, while others somersaulting in disgust.
The real news is that, current affairs aren’t as interesting as a TV titan growing a bit of fuzz.
DOES anyone fancy going to the cinema to watch Human Ghjac in the latest blockbuster, Worinelve? Obviously, you haven’t heard of either of those things, but look at the photo of this prime cock-up and you’ll learn more.
And there we have it, a bus-sized balls-up where one advertiser will be annoyed at Stagecoach making a hash of their paid-for advertising… although, with this surely on the cusp of going viral, maybe we’ll see all future film ads being garbled in such a manner.
Now, where can we get Human Ghjac’s autograph?
IS environmentalism a hobby? Bianca Jagger was at the Guards Polo Club in Surrey for the – get this – Audi International Polo. She was also at the anti-fracking protest in Balcombe:
SO. You’ve got the beats. You’ve got the rhymes. You’ve got the money, What you now need is nice Yiddisher lawyer to look after you. Rappers love Jewish lawyers:
50 Cent and others summon the “Jew-Unit”:
MATT Damon – compare and contrast:
Matt Damon addresses the Save Our Schools march on the Ellipse near the White House to protest the Obama administration’s education policies that are centered on standardized tests.
“I flew overnight from Vancouver to be with you today. I landed in New York a few hours ago and caught a flight down here because I needed to tell you all in person that I think you’re awesome. I was raised by a teacher. My mother is a professor of early childhood education. And from the time I went to kindergarten through my senior year in high school, I went to public schools. I wouldn’t trade that education and experience for anything.
“…I can’t imagine how demoralized you must feel. But I came here today to deliver an important message to you: As I get older, I appreciate more and more the teachers that I had growing up. And I’m not alone. There are millions of people just like me… You have an army of regular people standing right behind you, and our appreciation for what you do is so deeply felt. We love you, we thank you and we will always have your back.”
BRITTANY Furlan is the Queen of Vine, a 26-year-old whose life is distilled into 6-second moments of enlightenment.
You need to click on the sound box in the upper left-hand corner of each Vine; then click it again to turn off the sound before your move on, or else you get lots of Brittany Furlan talking over herself.
NOT everyone enjoys trolling the web for reader comments? Samantha Brick , Jan Moir and pretty much every other Daily Mail columnist has tolling as their Raison d’être. Charlie Brooker has quit his Guardian column because the paper’s editor, Alan Rusbridger ,would not agree to have reader comments to his articles turned off.
But not all respondents are yellow-eyed loons. Some just don’t hold much truck with a writer’s views, or just want to lampoon someone who makes a living form giving their opinion.
One readers doffs his CAPS to La Brick:
A FLASHBACK about Incongruous Songs. The music of rebellion adopted by the wrong people at the wrong place and the wrong time. Look what they’ve one to my song, ma.
In 1976, a Mancunian punk band called Buzzcocks borrowed £500 from friends and relatives and recorded and released the Spiral Scratch EP (Print run: 1,000 copies).
Read the rest of this entry »
Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT happens when Justin Bieber meets his fans?
WHAT news of Simon Cowell’s baby?
The Daily Star:
THE X Factor supremo Simon Cowell is standing by his pregnant lover despite planning a cruise with his ex-girlfriends…
IN encouraging news for David Icke’s pursuit of lizard people: Simon Cowell is to be a father. News is that a Lauren Silverman is carrying his child. The paper are full of news that Cowell has slept with a woman.
Lauren is married to Andrew Silverman, 37. The couple have a seven-year-old son. The papers are in agreement that he is Cowell’s friend. So close are they that the The New York Post says Cowell gets a leading role in Silverman’s divorce papers; the husband claims their marriage fell apart due to Lauren’s adultery.
Can it be that Cowell’s entire life is about cover versions, even his lovers? Whatever else happens, it’s going to be an incredible journey. And get a load of those ratings:
Simon Cowell’s unborn baby was conceived the night of the Britain’s Got Talent final, the Sunday People can reveal.
Meet The Silvermans
The Daily Mail quotes an Andrew Silverman family source, who is already taking sides:
“Andrew’s taking it day by day, he’s pretty calm today.The whole thing is upsetting, but he’s sucked it up and put his feelings aside so he can be with his son – that’s his priority. They both decided to stay in the same house for Adam.”
The Mail then features a paparazzi photos of Mr Silverman at his home:
Looking stressed and tense, he told reporters: ‘This is a very difficult time. Please keep your distance’.
Lauren duly issues a statement:
“I am committed to sorting things out with Andrew as amicably as possible to ensure the well-being of our son. I would hope for some space and privacy in order to work through this.”
So. Here’s Rosa Davis, who is married to Lauren’s father Steven, to shed light:
“I speak with Lauren every day. She is doing fine but she has a lot to face, a lot of stuff to cope with and her pregnancy too. The main concern for her right now is her son, Adam, and her baby. This baby is not guilty of anything. Babies come into the world and all we can do is receive them with joy. We are a very close family and we always support our kids through the good times and the bad times. You can ask anyone any of our friends.”
That question to you, Simon Cowell.
And then we hear from Stewart Eisenberg, Lauren’s stepfather in that big happy family. He is now divorced form Lauren’s mother:
“I think he is smitten and overwhelmed by Lauren as she is with him. She was not too happy in her marriage and got swept away. I mean she had the money but you can’t cuddle up to five Gucci bags and a credit card or take them under your arm when you go out to dinner.I don’t think either one intended to plant the seed, but I think they will rise to the occasion and make everything all right.”
What about Simon’s old flames?
The Daily Star tells readers:
A STRING of Cowell’s ex-girlfriends and female supporters – dubbed “Simon’s Angels” by neighbours – paid private visits to his Hollywood Hills mansion on Friday to offer him their shoulders to cry on…
Former fiancée and TV make-up artist Mezhgan Hussainy, 38, was first to arrive…
She’s a rock. Or as the HuffPost reports:
Simon Cowell’s ex-fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy is reported to be ‘furious’ after it was alleged the ‘X Factor’ boss is to become a father with his friend’s wife, Lauren Silverman.
The Daily Mail says 80s pop star Sinita “burst into tears” upon hearing the news, and allegedly said, “it should have been me”. She then tweeted is soap opera style:
What about the money?
The Express says:
Simon Cowell has offered a £63million deal, spread over 21 years, to the married socialite who is expecting their child, sources close to the TV tycoon revealed yesterday.
A senior legal source told the Sunday Express: “Simon isn’t going to dispute that he is the father but the last thing he wants is for his name and reputation to be publicly dragged through the dirt.
“The truth is, he doesn’t yet know whether he will end up marrying Lauren somewhere down the line in years to come but, in the meantime, he wants to ensure he does the right thing for her and their baby as well as resolving this mess.”
What does talent show judge Kelly Rowland think of it:
“He’s going to be a great dad. He will be a classic father figure.”
To which the Mail shouts:
EXCLUSIVE: Simon Cowell jets off on month-long break to St Tropez with friends to escape furore of married pregnant lover
And Lauren Silverman?
The NY Daily News says:
Lauren Silverman (left above) was just 16 when she engaged in a red-hot affair with a well-liked English teacher at the exclusive Miami Country Day School, former classmates told The News.
“They were having a two-month sexual affair,” a former classmate said. “Everybody in the upper school knew what was going on. It was a huge deal, especially for a little private school.”
Silverman’s secret dalliance with handsome Steve Lewis, who was also the junior varsity football coach, was said to have included after-hours trysts in his classroom.
The teacher was 26. Now Silverman is 36 – or 37, if you read the Star. Cowell is 53. Make the link:
That lust for older men has gotten Lauren Silverman in trouble again some 20 years later — only this time, it’s far more public.
And now? A source in the Mirror sets the scene:
Simon’s pal said: “We were docked at St James on his boat. Simon was reading a magazine when Lauren came up and started rubbing his hair, massaging him and whispering something in his ear. Her husband Andrew was just a few inches away, staring in disbelief. I think he thought it was just a little crush. He was probably thinking, ‘I’ll let it go because it’s Simon Cowell’. But I’ve heard they argued a lot in private.
“Lauren is very booby and she’d brush up against Simon all the time. She was there to fetch him Kool menthol cigarettes and Sapporo beer. It was cringe-worthy to watch. But there was massive chemistry. We all knew it was more than flirting but no one wanted to rock the apple cart.
“We knew she stayed up the latest with him so they could slip back to his room. Sinitta was the one who said something. She warned Simon off her, saying she was married with a son. But Simon said he couldn’t help himself. He laughed things off the way he always does. I think he was very flattered by all the attention Lauren paid him.”
Why rock an apple cart when you’re on a boat?
A ONE Direction Fans writes in response to the article on the band in GQ magazine:
@trxpicalouis’ “whAT THE FUCK THEY MADE LOUIS LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE I S2G HE IS A FUCKING ANGEL I AM GOING TO FIND GQ AND FUCKING BOMB THEM SEE YOU IN JAIL”
WHAT news of the Howe twins? When we last read in the Sun of the sibling glamour models (photos), they were being linked in print with Manchester United’s Patrice Evra. Before that it was Howe do you do Louis Smith, Russell Band and Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole. Now the Sun reports:
THE Voice judge Will.i.am is secretly dating a British Playboy model who found fame when she bedded Manchester United ace Patrice Evra.
CAN we all agree that Jimmy Savile was convicted of not a single sex crime during his successful BBC career? Good. That is the only fact which we can all agree on without a shadow of doubt. Of course, the welter of evidence collated since his death says that Aunty’s charitable DJ lived a life as putrid as his rotting corpse. Indeed, rumours are that sex with dead bodies was not beyond his tastes.
Today, the Mirror tells its readers:
Jimmy Savile: Celebrity arrests could soar after police discover DJ’s secret lair at record shop – Names and sexual details of hundreds of girls were scrawled across huge wall in a scene from a horror film
AROUND 1970: Francis Ford Coppola produced this potential cast list for The Godfather.