Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
IN time, Valeria Lukyanov may one day sue Barbie for encouraging her to live unrealistic life. Valeria is the Ukrainian who, raised on the West images of the ideal woman, began to look like Barbie. She’s in New York, home of the law suit, to meet not her lawyers, but Justin Jedlica, a real-life Ken doll. Sad to say that the pair did not hit off. There will no bundles of plastic to coo over. Indeed, Valeria was damning of Ken, saying: “He overdid his lips.” A small child then entered the room, pointed at the pair and screame, “I want them!” Valeria and Justin were last seen in the back of an SUV reenacting mum and dad’s last fight as their new owner’s big brother pounded Ken in the face with a brontosaurus called Danny…
SO. Now we know. Beyonce Knowles did not sing The Star Spangled Banner at the President Barack Obama’s second term inauguration ceremony. Stood before the Super Bowl press, Beyonce pressed “play” on the tope of small, plain Chinese child’s head and told the media:
“I practice until my feet bleed and I did not have time to rehearse with the orchestra. Due to no proper sound check, I did not feel comfortable taking a risk. It was about the president and the inauguration, and I wanted to make him and my country proud, so I decided to sing along with my pre-recorded track, which is very common in the music industry. And I’m very proud of my performance.”
“That definitely did not happen. He was pulling away from her.”
He was resting his arm on the back of her cinema chair.
He was checking her pulse.
He was admiring the weave of her blouse.
He was being 18.
He is totally sexless and will remain that way until he stops selling records (see Cliff Richard).
5IVE the boyband-turned-tricky-age-band are reunited. They’ve been taling to heat magazine:
heat: “Do you need the money?”
Ritchie Neville: “The money’s good, but it’s not like I need it. More than anything, it’s unfinished business.”
Sean Conlon: “You want to be back on the big stage.”
RN: “I broke down in tears when a Coldplay song came on in Pizza Express. I broke down in tears because I wasn’t doing music any more.”
HOW did The Sandals resort react to best-selling author Katie Price’s appraisal of their facilities? Price married Mr Pricey number 3 at the Caribbean chain. She compared the place to a “smelly flip-flop”.
“Sandals my arse. It was more like a smelly old flip-flop.”
Sandals could have ignored her, but instead issued a statement, at once realising the woman’s power:
“Sandals Resorts is disappointed that Ms Price was not happy with her stay and as a gesture of goodwill are willing to offer her a refund — on condition that she does not choose our resorts for any future weddings.”
BRANDI Glanville is the sand-blasted blonde of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She’s scored a revenge on her ex lover Eddie Cibrian by refitting her vagina. The ex has been exorcised. As she says:
“I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar. I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, he was on the phone screaming, ‘What the fuck cost you $12 000? Did you get a nose job?’ I responded simply, ‘Yes. A nose job.’ And I hung up.”‘
JOE Pesci Grammar Correction is a video in which the tough guy actor corrects your grammar. (Just don’t call him funny.)
PS – What other stars could be arranged to help with day-to-day stuff? Noel Edmonds could remind you that it’s bin collection day; Justin Bieber could be attached to the lavatory light and say, “Did you flush and wash?”; and Kim Kardashian could remind you to delete your internet history before your mum has a go on the family computer…
Language is NSFW.
JEREMY Kyle has cancer. But he vows to be back on the telly just as soon as his testicles are better. When someone falls ill, it might be a good time to quieten your negative feelings for them. So, here was Dermot O’Leary at the man-hugging, back-slapping National Television awards (Jan 23) reportedly saying:
“Jeremy Kyle can’t be here tonight. He’s poorly. That’s karma for you.”
SCREEN siren Sophia Loren loves cooking. She;s teh star of such cook books as Sophia Loren’s Recipes and Memories and the 1971 classic Eat With Me (Cucina con Amore). Whatever you, don’t mention the ears. But why should she care. As Loren says in her tome: “Sex appeal is 50 % what you have – and 50% of what others think you have.” And she has rolling pin and giant wooden cutlery…
BEFORE he was mega, LL Cool J was a 17-year-old who for $500 could be booked to played Colby College in Waterville, Maine. It was June 1985, when LL Cool J and his co-star DJ Cut Creator rolled into that venue. Were the crowd up for scratching? LL Cool J was cool enough to realise his crowd. He did not play the Birdie Song and invite the kids and mums lolling about the place to clap along. He invited DJ Cut Creator to show them what scratching was.
Says someone who was there:
LL was paid $500 for the show. Since he was the only rap act, he was worried it would a be short performance, so my dad suggested he fill it in with the scratching and beat boxing. LL was signed to Def Jam. My dad tried to get RUN DMC, but could not afford them, so Def Jam told him he should bring up LL Cool J.
HULK Hogan has invited to look at his daughter Brooke Hogan’s legs. You can check out Hulk getting close to his daughter’s buttocks here. You can see Hulk, his then bright-blonde lover and bright-blonde Brooke playing kissy-kissy for the cameras here. Here’s Hulk posing before a photo of a naked Brooke.
As for Brooke’s legs, we give them an ’11″…
RAED, Anorak’s favourite rapper, is back with a new single.
HOW’s that for a billing – “Freddie Starr is the “sex probe comic” on the Daily Mail’s front page? News is that Starr, 70, has married Sophie. He looks happy. She looks happy. The caption is more loaded that George Bush at a frat house party:
“Freddie Starr with his new young bride Sophie”
New? Young? How young is young? Sophie Lea is 31. Is that young?
JUSTIN Bieber has been meting the fans at a meet-and-grope in Miami. Not everyone has their life as well documented as Bieber. But mum will be pleased to see that her Justin has made second base. Of the girl.. Well, how old is she? Is she old enough? Is being touched up in public an ambition? Is she real, or has a Selena Gomez waxwork been placed too close to the radiator?
AT Anorak, we love Cyriak’s work. Ever since we saw teddy bears on Worthing Seafront, we’ve been watching. Now he’s created a video for Bonobo. If you’ve never taken acid (she has), this is a pretty decent take on what it’s like:
WHEN straight people talk about gay-marriage, they’re often keen to bring up how marriage is a sacred thing. The sanctity of marriage shouldn’t be sullied by those gay people. They sometimes argue that it’ll be humans marrying dogs next!
However, undermining straighties arguments about the sanctity of marriage, almost single handed, is Katie Price. She’s got a phenomenal record when it comes to making a mockery of getting wed.
THE DAILY Mail loves underage girls. It likes to watch them. In 2011, the Mail spotted Heidi Klum’s daughter Leni:
As the daughter of a supermodel and a chart-topping singer, little Helene Samuel was bound to be talented. But it seems that ballet may be the blonde-haired youngster’s passion. The five-year-old arrived for her dance class today…
Ah, those passionate tots in tutus. In March 2011, the Mail said Leni was aged five.
WHILE Mary Beard boo-hoos about some people being tasteless and puerile about her, other famous people are taking online insults in their stride and turning it into laughter!
Jimmy Kimmel has been running a segment on his show, featuring celebrities reading out nasty tweets about themselves.
“There have been reports of some quite extravagant elements — such as the £1 million crystal bath…”
CELEBRITY quote of the week was supplied by then pregnant and now emptied Shakira, who tweeted a phots of she and lover, Barcelona footballer Gerard Pique. with the caption:
“I present to you my sunshine.”
Given the high levels of celebrity narcissism out there, we expected photos of Shakira’s “whatever” straddling a sealion…
JIMMY Savile, a word of thanks. Helen Boaden, director of news at the BBC (salary: £354,000 a year) goes on the record:
“I’ve lost a stone since all the Savile business erupted.”
BEAR! What have they down with Paddington Bear? Once upon a time the bear from Darkest Peru was charming. He munched sugary marmalade sandwiches kept beneath his big hat.Then he began eating Tofu and banging on about lo-carb diets. The boy bear was an orphan, so were wer told. Now we realise that he most likely murdered his parents in a Satanic ritual. Mr Curry was always seen as being Paddington’s mean and bad-tempered next-door neighbour. Wrong. He knew that Paddington was the Devil incarnate. It was the escaped Nazi Mr Gruber and the too-nice Browns (Brauns?) who were the cause for concern.
WHY did Beyonce Knowles mime America’s national anthem at President Obama’s second inauguration do? The director of the Marine Corps Band, Colonel Michael Colburn, (aka Press 8 on your telephone keypad) says:
“She’s getting ready for the Super Bowl, so we didn’t have a chance to do anything with her until the night, so it’s a very tight window of opportunity.”