Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
NO-ONE loves music more than teenagers and, no-one loves One Direction more than teenager girls. With that, Channel 4 decided to air a documentary about 1D’s fans, painting them in a less than flattering light. That’s Channel 4’s forte at the minute, mocking people who need a council house, can’t speak English, are part of the travelling community and people on benefits.
If you’re working class or foreign in Britain, you can thank Channel 4 for turning your social media feeds into something akin to a UKIP rally.
THERE has been quite the hubbub about Jeremy Paxman and his beard this week, with some people near-orgasmic in praise, while others somersaulting in disgust.
The real news is that, current affairs aren’t as interesting as a TV titan growing a bit of fuzz.
DOES anyone fancy going to the cinema to watch Human Ghjac in the latest blockbuster, Worinelve? Obviously, you haven’t heard of either of those things, but look at the photo of this prime cock-up and you’ll learn more.
And there we have it, a bus-sized balls-up where one advertiser will be annoyed at Stagecoach making a hash of their paid-for advertising… although, with this surely on the cusp of going viral, maybe we’ll see all future film ads being garbled in such a manner.
Now, where can we get Human Ghjac’s autograph?
IS environmentalism a hobby? Bianca Jagger was at the Guards Polo Club in Surrey for the – get this – Audi International Polo. She was also at the anti-fracking protest in Balcombe:
SO. You’ve got the beats. You’ve got the rhymes. You’ve got the money, What you now need is nice Yiddisher lawyer to look after you. Rappers love Jewish lawyers:
50 Cent and others summon the “Jew-Unit”:
MATT Damon – compare and contrast:
Matt Damon addresses the Save Our Schools march on the Ellipse near the White House to protest the Obama administration’s education policies that are centered on standardized tests.
“I flew overnight from Vancouver to be with you today. I landed in New York a few hours ago and caught a flight down here because I needed to tell you all in person that I think you’re awesome. I was raised by a teacher. My mother is a professor of early childhood education. And from the time I went to kindergarten through my senior year in high school, I went to public schools. I wouldn’t trade that education and experience for anything.
“…I can’t imagine how demoralized you must feel. But I came here today to deliver an important message to you: As I get older, I appreciate more and more the teachers that I had growing up. And I’m not alone. There are millions of people just like me… You have an army of regular people standing right behind you, and our appreciation for what you do is so deeply felt. We love you, we thank you and we will always have your back.”
BRITTANY Furlan is the Queen of Vine, a 26-year-old whose life is distilled into 6-second moments of enlightenment.
You need to click on the sound box in the upper left-hand corner of each Vine; then click it again to turn off the sound before your move on, or else you get lots of Brittany Furlan talking over herself.
NOT everyone enjoys trolling the web for reader comments? Samantha Brick , Jan Moir and pretty much every other Daily Mail columnist has tolling as their Raison d’être. Charlie Brooker has quit his Guardian column because the paper’s editor, Alan Rusbridger ,would not agree to have reader comments to his articles turned off.
But not all respondents are yellow-eyed loons. Some just don’t hold much truck with a writer’s views, or just want to lampoon someone who makes a living form giving their opinion.
One readers doffs his CAPS to La Brick:
A FLASHBACK about Incongruous Songs. The music of rebellion adopted by the wrong people at the wrong place and the wrong time. Look what they’ve one to my song, ma.
In 1976, a Mancunian punk band called Buzzcocks borrowed £500 from friends and relatives and recorded and released the Spiral Scratch EP (Print run: 1,000 copies).
Read the rest of this entry »
Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT happens when Justin Bieber meets his fans?
WHAT news of Simon Cowell’s baby?
The Daily Star:
THE X Factor supremo Simon Cowell is standing by his pregnant lover despite planning a cruise with his ex-girlfriends…
IN encouraging news for David Icke’s pursuit of lizard people: Simon Cowell is to be a father. News is that a Lauren Silverman is carrying his child. The paper are full of news that Cowell has slept with a woman.
Lauren is married to Andrew Silverman, 37. The couple have a seven-year-old son. The papers are in agreement that he is Cowell’s friend. So close are they that the The New York Post says Cowell gets a leading role in Silverman’s divorce papers; the husband claims their marriage fell apart due to Lauren’s adultery.
Can it be that Cowell’s entire life is about cover versions, even his lovers? Whatever else happens, it’s going to be an incredible journey. And get a load of those ratings:
Simon Cowell’s unborn baby was conceived the night of the Britain’s Got Talent final, the Sunday People can reveal.
Meet The Silvermans
The Daily Mail quotes an Andrew Silverman family source, who is already taking sides:
“Andrew’s taking it day by day, he’s pretty calm today.The whole thing is upsetting, but he’s sucked it up and put his feelings aside so he can be with his son – that’s his priority. They both decided to stay in the same house for Adam.”
The Mail then features a paparazzi photos of Mr Silverman at his home:
Looking stressed and tense, he told reporters: ‘This is a very difficult time. Please keep your distance’.
Lauren duly issues a statement:
“I am committed to sorting things out with Andrew as amicably as possible to ensure the well-being of our son. I would hope for some space and privacy in order to work through this.”
So. Here’s Rosa Davis, who is married to Lauren’s father Steven, to shed light:
“I speak with Lauren every day. She is doing fine but she has a lot to face, a lot of stuff to cope with and her pregnancy too. The main concern for her right now is her son, Adam, and her baby. This baby is not guilty of anything. Babies come into the world and all we can do is receive them with joy. We are a very close family and we always support our kids through the good times and the bad times. You can ask anyone any of our friends.”
That question to you, Simon Cowell.
And then we hear from Stewart Eisenberg, Lauren’s stepfather in that big happy family. He is now divorced form Lauren’s mother:
“I think he is smitten and overwhelmed by Lauren as she is with him. She was not too happy in her marriage and got swept away. I mean she had the money but you can’t cuddle up to five Gucci bags and a credit card or take them under your arm when you go out to dinner.I don’t think either one intended to plant the seed, but I think they will rise to the occasion and make everything all right.”
What about Simon’s old flames?
The Daily Star tells readers:
A STRING of Cowell’s ex-girlfriends and female supporters – dubbed “Simon’s Angels” by neighbours – paid private visits to his Hollywood Hills mansion on Friday to offer him their shoulders to cry on…
Former fiancée and TV make-up artist Mezhgan Hussainy, 38, was first to arrive…
She’s a rock. Or as the HuffPost reports:
Simon Cowell’s ex-fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy is reported to be ‘furious’ after it was alleged the ‘X Factor’ boss is to become a father with his friend’s wife, Lauren Silverman.
The Daily Mail says 80s pop star Sinita “burst into tears” upon hearing the news, and allegedly said, “it should have been me”. She then tweeted is soap opera style:
What about the money?
The Express says:
Simon Cowell has offered a £63million deal, spread over 21 years, to the married socialite who is expecting their child, sources close to the TV tycoon revealed yesterday.
A senior legal source told the Sunday Express: “Simon isn’t going to dispute that he is the father but the last thing he wants is for his name and reputation to be publicly dragged through the dirt.
“The truth is, he doesn’t yet know whether he will end up marrying Lauren somewhere down the line in years to come but, in the meantime, he wants to ensure he does the right thing for her and their baby as well as resolving this mess.”
What does talent show judge Kelly Rowland think of it:
“He’s going to be a great dad. He will be a classic father figure.”
To which the Mail shouts:
EXCLUSIVE: Simon Cowell jets off on month-long break to St Tropez with friends to escape furore of married pregnant lover
And Lauren Silverman?
The NY Daily News says:
Lauren Silverman (left above) was just 16 when she engaged in a red-hot affair with a well-liked English teacher at the exclusive Miami Country Day School, former classmates told The News.
“They were having a two-month sexual affair,” a former classmate said. “Everybody in the upper school knew what was going on. It was a huge deal, especially for a little private school.”
Silverman’s secret dalliance with handsome Steve Lewis, who was also the junior varsity football coach, was said to have included after-hours trysts in his classroom.
The teacher was 26. Now Silverman is 36 – or 37, if you read the Star. Cowell is 53. Make the link:
That lust for older men has gotten Lauren Silverman in trouble again some 20 years later — only this time, it’s far more public.
And now? A source in the Mirror sets the scene:
Simon’s pal said: “We were docked at St James on his boat. Simon was reading a magazine when Lauren came up and started rubbing his hair, massaging him and whispering something in his ear. Her husband Andrew was just a few inches away, staring in disbelief. I think he thought it was just a little crush. He was probably thinking, ‘I’ll let it go because it’s Simon Cowell’. But I’ve heard they argued a lot in private.
“Lauren is very booby and she’d brush up against Simon all the time. She was there to fetch him Kool menthol cigarettes and Sapporo beer. It was cringe-worthy to watch. But there was massive chemistry. We all knew it was more than flirting but no one wanted to rock the apple cart.
“We knew she stayed up the latest with him so they could slip back to his room. Sinitta was the one who said something. She warned Simon off her, saying she was married with a son. But Simon said he couldn’t help himself. He laughed things off the way he always does. I think he was very flattered by all the attention Lauren paid him.”
Why rock an apple cart when you’re on a boat?
A ONE Direction Fans writes in response to the article on the band in GQ magazine:
@trxpicalouis’ “whAT THE FUCK THEY MADE LOUIS LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE I S2G HE IS A FUCKING ANGEL I AM GOING TO FIND GQ AND FUCKING BOMB THEM SEE YOU IN JAIL”
WHAT news of the Howe twins? When we last read in the Sun of the sibling glamour models (photos), they were being linked in print with Manchester United’s Patrice Evra. Before that it was Howe do you do Louis Smith, Russell Band and Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole. Now the Sun reports:
THE Voice judge Will.i.am is secretly dating a British Playboy model who found fame when she bedded Manchester United ace Patrice Evra.
CAN we all agree that Jimmy Savile was convicted of not a single sex crime during his successful BBC career? Good. That is the only fact which we can all agree on without a shadow of doubt. Of course, the welter of evidence collated since his death says that Aunty’s charitable DJ lived a life as putrid as his rotting corpse. Indeed, rumours are that sex with dead bodies was not beyond his tastes.
Today, the Mirror tells its readers:
Jimmy Savile: Celebrity arrests could soar after police discover DJ’s secret lair at record shop – Names and sexual details of hundreds of girls were scrawled across huge wall in a scene from a horror film
AROUND 1970: Francis Ford Coppola produced this potential cast list for The Godfather.
THIS is one of those newspaper pieces where you have to check that the people are still living on the same planet as the rest of us. They’re talking about whether Spotify is paying enough in royalties to the musicians who produce the work. Yet they manage to miss the most basic point about the whole subject:
Spotify is selling a lie, though. In this post-Napster world, the pressure is on for new independent artists to have their music sit alongside massive acts – but we’re not getting anything back. We are told that it’s good exposure, and will lead to increased album and ticket sales, but this simply isn’t the case.
GOOD news for you Peter Andre fans – and those of you who like to know where the pop acorn is so that you can be elsewhere. The former Mr Katie Price has launched The Peter Andre Channel. Says Pete:
“Hope you’re enjoying my channel! Now you can be with me 24/7.”
WHAT if Pacific Rim was set in Britain? Yeah. Pacific Rim? As if. First off, no-one would have been able to stop sniggering. And second, well, the sniggering right. But let’s imagine. In the film the characters are called Jaegers. (Yeah. Like the middle-class, provincial fashion outlets). Almost all these Jaegers have two two-noun names created in a Tokyo language school randomiser: Brawler Yukon; Coyote Tango, Solar Prophet and the excellent Gipsy Danger.
Warner Bros’ build-your-own-Jaeger toy lets you create your own:
THE decline of Man: modern man is in a state of crisis, reared on a diet of creams, depilated, patent skin and self-tanning unguents. Here, Anorak looks at the fall of manhood.
“I never fixed my eyes, but I spent more money to stretch the skin of my testicles. I did not like the wrinkles. It’s a new technique, many people in Hollywood have done it. It’s called ‘ball ironing’.”
It is generally assumed that George Clooney was joking when he delivered the above quote. One thing is true, though: ‘ball ironing’ (or ‘male laser lift’) is available at the Beauty Park in Santa Monica for just under $600, and it is proving very popular.
Clooney may not have had the treatment himself, but his familiarity with it is cause for concern. It’s just the latest in a series of milestones in the steady emasculation of our role models. And the rot set in, as it so often did, in the 1950s.
Compton (second left, with Burt Lancaster and Frankie Vaughan) was a brilliant batsman with a Test average of 50 (including over 200 runs in one match against South Africa using an antique bat borrowed from the cricket museum). He also found time to play football for Arsenal, with whom he won both the league championship and the FA Cup. Unfortunately, he also became the face of Brylcreem, and set the tone for future generations of sportsmen to dabble in the darker corners of male grooming.
Presley offended people in numerous ways –not least with his habit of wearing eye makeup. None of which stopped him from being drafted into the US Army. Here the prospective GI sits his written military exam, in slightly more discreet slap.
As deodorant manufacturers attempted to broaden their appeal to the male half of the population, they recruited macho sporty types like Our ’Enery (’ere wiv’ ’Arvey Smiff) who here advertises Brut with the immortal slogan ‘Splash it all over’.
Big Ron: The Sunbed Years.
In his playing days as opening bat for England, ‘Goochy’ sported an imperial moustache and resembled an officer at Rourk’s Drift. His subsequent hair transplant came as something of a shock – and led to a series of rather defensive gestures. Defensive, not about the fact of the transplant, but the quality of the weave itself.
Here Gooch, as the official caption puts it, ‘test[s] his hair replacement treatment in a Central London health Gym, to disprove claims that the treatment does not work. The former England captain is at the centre of an disgreement, after a client of AHS (Advanced Hair Studio) along with the Advertising Standards Authority claimed that adverts claiming that Gooch could swim, shower, and play sport with his hair treatment were wrong and misleading.’
The signs were there as a young boy, when he enjoyed wearing knickerbockers and ballet shoes. Later we had his own take on Brylcreem advertising (above) and experiments with sarongs. His nomination here, however, is for his championing of the ‘back. sack and crack’ – the logical conclusion of the waxing mania that overtook British manhood in the twenty-first century.
Deserves his place here for his role in the general poncification of older men, with his truly terrible Just For Men advertisement – a product for disguising grey hair and beards and allowing old men to kid themselves that they are attractive to women half their age.
Cristiano Ronaldo and Rio Ferdinand
AKA: Ronaldo and Rio in hotpants hell. What were they thinking? Seriously?
He held his hands up to the hair transplant, and fair play to him for that, but Shane’s explanation for his subsequent transformation into a taught-faced waxwork is altogether less convincing: he attributed it to ‘good moisturiser’. Others spoke of botox, facelifts and teeth whitening. Wherefore art thou, Warney-o?
The citadel falls. Once upon a time the best you could hope for in a rugby union changing room was a bar of coal tar soap and a turd in your kit bag. Now you are more likely to find a range of hair and skin care products. Leinster Rugby are now sponsored by Nivea for Men. Or should that be ‘Men’?
O tempora, o mores!
YOU know how Kurt Cobain famously killed himself and joined the infamous ’27 Club’ back in the ’90s? Well, one poor cheerleader missed the memo.
From Virginia, the cheerleader – running from Homecoming Queen – wrote to Sub Pop, asking if Nirvana would be in a campaign video, showing their support for her.