Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
TELLY’S Jason Manford exposed himself on a webcam as he paid £60 for cybersex with a stripper.
WHAT’S A Rap Attack. Mr Whodini? With their Magic’s Wand, Jalil Hutchins, Ecstasy (John Fletcher) and Grandmaster Dee (Drew Carter) will show you:
ANYONE keen to see One Direction’s lead hair, Harry Styles, getting hit in the balls can enjoy this gif:
And this video:
YOU’VE heard the same arguments against pop music time and time again, never once getting any more original, witty or incisive – ‘pop music isn’t real music’. Usually, these gripes come from crashingly dull indie bands who think they’re part of something more ‘real’ or ‘better’ because they’re stupid enough to believe that picking up a guitar and playing the same 4 chords every other indie band is playing, is somehow more valuable than anything else.
FRENCH actor Gerard Depardieu has relocated from France to Russia. It’s the ultimate celebrity travelogue. Stuff going down the Nile by boat with Joanna Lumley, traversing the Sahara with Ewan McGregor on a bike or Sue Johnston’s search for Shangri-La in Tibet. That charabanc of jobbing celebrities showing us the exotic through tourists’ eyes and the locals’ emotions has been smashed by Depardieu, who has set up home somewhere foreign and unusual. It turns out that the exotic and bizarre is not reached by Mylene Klass making a charity trip to the Philippines or Paul Merton buying a Pith helmet in India, but by a simple three-hour flight to Moscow.
How’s he getting along?
IN 1966, Woody Allen fought a kangaroo at the Hippodrome. The Australian light heavyweight champion is in the brown shorts:
THERE’S a campaign over in the US to get Piers Morgan deported. The White House has an online petitions system and once they get 25,000 signatures then they promise to, well, to say something about it, at least. As you can see here, it’s well past that number now. (Curent tally: 109, 334.)
FACE it – The Bee Gees are one of the greatest groups to ever cut a record ever. Their back catalogue is simply astonishing, running through psychedelia, concept albums, disco, pop and not to mention all the great songs they wrote for other.
Now, mix that with the breathtaking body of work made by Michael Jackson and you have something that is quite giddifying.
Okay, Dangerous was the last time Jackson did anything of note and the Bee Gees haven’t made a decent record since You Win Again, but y’know, before that, they were unstoppable. Right?
The two camps got their weird faces together and recorded a song called ‘All In Your Name’, and the video (which you can watch below) shows them in the studio together, writing and recording the track.
“Michael Jackson and I were the dearest of friends, that’s simply what it was. We gravitated towards the same kind of music and we loved collaborating and he was the easiest person to write with.”
“The more we got to know each other the more those ideas entwined and it all came to this song ‘All In Your Name’. “All in Your Name” is in fact the message that Michael wanted to send out to all of his fans all over the world that he did it all for them and for the pure love of music. I hope and pray that we all get to hear it in its entirety. This experience I will treasure forever.”
So have a listen. It isn’t very good, but still.
IN 1987, the US Postal Service produced a stamp to honour William Faulkner. Before he was a man of letters, Faulkner was delivering letters. Between 1921 to 1924, he worked as the University of Mississippi’s postmaster. He didn’t enjoy it. This is, reportedly, his resignation letter:
As long as I live under the capitalistic system, I expect to have my life influenced by the demands of moneyed people. But I will be damned if I propose to be at the beck and call of every itinerant scoundrel who has two cents to invest in a postage stamp.
This, sir, is my resignation.
(Signed by Faulkner)
THE Onion called 9-year-old Best Actress Oscar nominee Quvenzhane Wallis a c*nt. The Onion tweeted:
Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a c*nt, right? #Oscars2013
DID Bon Jovi plagiarise the sond of goats on their massive hit Livin’ On A Prayer? Surel;y they did. Also note the aping of the goats’ hair, coats and groupie techniques:
THE Oscars are over. The men unzip their hair. The women breathe – some every think about eating. The winners beam. The losers go home and mirrors. The show was decent enough, the jokes were a bit flat but the unintentional funnies knocked them bandy. What was life like backstage? We can show you what goes on behind the curtain on Oscar night. Look out for Jennifer Aniston getting off with Brad Pitt, Jennifer Lawrence falling over, Charlize Theron reclining without her mask (we saw her real face in Monster) and Ben Affleck telling George Clooney “Not anxious to die sir, just anxious to matter.”
** EMBARGOED AT THE REQUEST OF THE ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURE ARTS & SCIENCES FOR USE UPON CONCLUSION OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS TELECAST ** Charlize Theron appears backstage at the Oscars at the Dolby Theatre on Sunday Feb. 24, 2013, in Los Angeles. (Photo by Matt Sayles/Invision/AP)
IN 1967, Sandra Dodd, a 14-year-old fan living in the USA wrote to David Bowie. Would Bowie be interested in endorsing her efforts to start a USA fanclub? The 20-year-old Bowie took the time to reply.
I hope one day to get to America. My manager tells me lots about it as he has been there many times with other acts he manages. I was watching an old film on TV the other night called “No Down Payment” a great film, but rather depressing if it is a true reflection of The American Way Of Life. However, shortly after that they showed a documentary about Robert Frost the American poet, filmed mainly at his home in Vermont, and that evened the score. I am sure that that is nearer the real America.
<ahref=”http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/12/my-real-name-is-david-jones.html”>Letters of Note
THE OSCARS 2013 – the pick of the lines:
Anne Hathaway: “Here’s hoping that sometime in the not-too-distant future, the misfortunes of Fantine will only be found in stories – and not in real life.”
Because Les Miserables is a fly-on-the-wall documentary.
THE Oscars 2013 – who wore what. Nicole Kidman cam dressed as a Dubai beach oil slick; Jessica Chatain looked Hollywood fabulous; Charlize Theron looked elegant; Adele looked meh; Jennifer Aniston had channeled her personality into her dress (dullsville); Bradley Cooper’s mum wore Ostrich by Bernie Clifton; Naomi Watts’ dress was unfinished; Catherine Zeta Jones wore a face that makes an Oscar look pot-marked; and Anne Hathaway has a tissue tucked in somewhere:
IN the 1980s, fans could get close to the stars on telephone chatlines. The messages were pre-recorded. But the billing was live.
The New Kid On The Block had a message for you:
KURT Vonnegut wrote to Richard Gehman in 1967. He had advice to give.
“Mornings are for writing and so are most of the afternoons… The classes don’t matter much.”
Gehman was due to teach at University of Iowa’s famous Writer’s Workshop,where Vonnegut had been there from 1965 to 1967.
“Cancel classes whenever you damn please.”
LIGHTS, cameras… Cue wailing and gnashing of teeth… Yes, it’s Oscars time again, and that means Oscar speeches.
Rebecca Rolfe, of the Georgia Institute of Technology has been analyzing these excruciating exercises in emoting, and says that the average length of an acceptance speech was 44 seconds for men and 39 seconds for women in the 1960s. Now it is 1 minute and 57 seconds for men and 1 minute 56 seconds for women. Interestingly, 71 per cent of the tears have come since 1995.
IN May 2012, Patricia Krentril was arrested in New Jersey for taking her 5-year-old daughter to a tanning salon, where she was burnt. Krentil, who looks George Hamilton’s portrayal of Geppetto’s Mr. Hankey, became a star. In May of that year, Patty Baked swore of tanning. Well, she agreed to take the challenge issued by In Touch magazine and abstain from UV rays for 30 days. Sure, she still used Jergens self-tanner and told us “I feel weird and pale”, but she did it. But now she’s back. And the Sun says she heading to the UK – in search of a tan!
(After which she will head to the Himalayas in search of the Abominable Snowman; Loch Ness in search of a Monster; and Mecca in search for a bacon roll.)
Says Patty Baked:
“I was born to tan — and there is nothing like the colour that you get from a sunbed. But in the past year I have been banned from tanning salons. Now I have to spend hours covering myself in tanning lotion to get the colour I want.”
KATIE Price aka Katie ‘Loud’ Hayler and her husband Kieran (pronounced: Kevin) are to have a baby. Katie says, “We’re all over the moon.” She is also sick as parrot and delighted that Kevin’s cross-come shot tricked over the line. Other football phrases to watch out for: too good to go down; a games of two halves; a great advert for the game…
RIP Bob Godfrey. You created Roobab and Custard, the story of the chipper snot-green dog and the snide purple cat. Everything wobbled.
You died in the same week as Richard Briers, the actor who gave your characters voices.
THEM Mirror’s front-page scoop is an extract from a interview Ant ‘n Dec did in the Guardian’s Weekend section. The TV presenters say they love booze. Just love it. But that’s ok. Getting off your face on alcohol is legal. The shocker is: “Ant ‘n’ Dec’s shock confession – We’ve taken drugs and voted Tory.”
Suit-wearing TV stars vote for lower taxes and have taken drugs?
What scoops to follow: Jordan sleeps on her back! Pope enjoys balcony views! Tony Blair has no shadow!
JORGE Pérez of patáx slaps woman on the bottoms for his art. Born in Boston in 1979, Pérez was raised in Madrid where he studied percussion at the Creative Music School in Madrid. He returned to Boston to study at the Berklee College of Music. There he pulled together this ensemble. The woman’s names are not known, and are thought to be Jeremy Irons’ former secretaries picking up stray paperclips: