Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
DID you see the Hulk Hogan sex tape? You didn’t? You haven’t seen him lovingly say “get your clothes and get out” to a young woman? You haven’t seen him naked from the waist down, wearing on a little vest? You haven’t seen him whimpering “I’m out of breath”?
You’re missing out. Provided, of course, you have a cast iron stomach, not needed since Gene Simmons gruesome sex tape appeared online.
THIS settles the US election: Snoop Dogg’s 10 reasons he isn’t voting for Mitt Romney. Game over:
EVERYONE favourite Other Child Honey Boo, star of Georgia, has been on the KTLA Morning News with her mamma.
It’s all hideous. It’s TV. It’s meant to be. The host and hostess have all the sincerity of wet, sliced, white bread.
They set it up. Honey Boo hammers it in.
TV’s job is to showcase a stereotype. Honey Boo and her mother are held up to be mocked. Get a load of the arsehat in beige asking how “funny” it is that mama knows the word “hiatus”.
WERE The Beastie Boys right about Jimmy
If I played guitar I’d be Jimmy Page The girlie’s I like are underage…
WHAT happened to the child stars of horror films?
FOUND: Photographs of the Rolling Stones, will be a month long exhibition of twenty-three rare and candid photographs that document the legendary Rolling Stones on their American tour in 1965. Curated by Lauren White and George Augusto the exhibit is presented by Dilettante in collaboration with Apart Projects.
In and around the landscape of Savannah, Georgia and Clearwater, Florida, the eager and compelling subjects are Mick Jagger, Brian Jones, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, Bill Wyman and founding member/road manager, Ian Stewart.
“Racist comedian Frankie Boyle could soon be returning to TV despite upsetting thousands of viewers with his sick jokes.”
Boyle says he was defamed by the Mirror when it said he’d been “forced to quit” the BBC comedy show Mock The Week.
His barrister, David Sherborne, told the jury at the High Court, London:
“Saying ‘vile’ or ‘offensive’, or his material is ‘vile’ or ‘offensive’, is one thing. He realises that that goes with the territory, so to speak. But accusing him of being a racist is an entirely different matter…You can call him ‘offensive’, you can call him ‘tasteless’. That’s fine. But he is not racist.”
JIMMY Savile news from the BBC on twitter:
BBC #Newsnight’s investigation into Jimmy #Savile was “inappropriately pulled” – UK Culture Secretary Maria Miller
After that unfortunate choie of words, we hear from Kevin Cook, now 45, who says that when aged 9 Savile molested him on a Jim’ll Fix It show. Cook says Savile told him:
“Are you ready to earn your badge?”
LIKE it or not, Girls Aloud are just about the best pop-group that these isles produced after the Millennium, in a period where rock lost its way, dance music turned into a dubstep version of Kiss and pop ruled absolute. Girls Aloud kicked the door in, introduced fun that was hip and, for a period, put an end to all those dreadful bloody ballads.
And then they went away, had varying degrees of success with their solo careers (Nadine’s being particularly gruesome), with the threat of coming back and showing Stooshe & Co how you’re really supposed to be a pop outfit.
COMEUPOUTDAWAHTA. Sing along with the words:
DAMIEN Hirst is the butterfly killer. At his show In And Out of Love at London’s Tate Modern, the butterflies hatch, fly about and then land on bowls of fruit, sugary water and flowers. Some, however, gets trodden on, batted off clothes and killed. In the 23 weeks the show ran for 9,000 butterflies died.
WHEN Jimmy Savile appeared in FHM, the magazine mocked up a headline: “Lock Uo Your Daughters”…
Add it to the collection.
JIMMY Savile appeared on the BBC’s Have I Got New For You. The transcript was a hoax. What he said wasn’t: “I’m feared in every girls’ school in this country.”
Not to mention every ward, studio, dressing room and morgue…
CHRIS de Burgh. What is your favourite lyric, Chris?
“I would pick ‘Snow is Falling’ from my album The Road To Freedom. It’s like a movie. If you can imagine a camera very slowly moving into a snowscape. It’s like Doctor Zhivago. You are moving along, everything is white, covered in snow, and you go into a forest, and there are these big fir trees. It is obviously Eastern Europe or somewhere, and the fir trees are covered in snow, and the boughs are heavy with snow, and occasionally bits will fall off. It’s all in one go, like a Hitchcock shot, and you go right into the forest and there is a clearing and in the clearing is very disturbed ground, covered in snow, and the camera goes in and below the ground are the bodies of three or four hundred young men and boys who have been executed, and this is them calling to be found….Snow is falling and we are calling to be found.”
IS that the Jimmy Savile doll on sale at a Butlins holiday camp? Buy one and get a free book?
JIMMY Savile had sex with dead bodies? The rumour has been around for years. Now, however, it’s become a newspaper fornt-page headline. The Sunday Sport yells: “Jimmy Savile had sex with dead bodies.”
1982: Henry Thomas auditions for the role of Eliot in ET:
JIMMY SAVILE is on two front page this Sunday:
Daily Telegraph: “SAVILE: The police blunders.”
Blunder is kind. Why not collusion?
The Sun: News that as many as 60 girls may have a case against Savile.
Such a shame, isn’t it, that the Sun never had access to Savile’s mobile phone. We might then have found out who aided and abetted Savile. All we have now are the victims and news about who failed to protect them. But we want names, don’t we. We wants to know who knew; who helped; who joined in.
She texts Simon Cowell when he sacks her from the US X Factor:
“F*** you. F*** Fox. F*** Britain’s Got Talent. F*** the orange and purple outfit. F*** big hair. F*** the UK X Factor. F*** you all. I hate you.”
When Lord Haw Haw signed off, his last braadcast went:
“We are nearing the end of phase one in Europe’s history, but the next will be no happier…I can only say that the people of Britain deserve what they get… You may not hear from me again for a few months…I say ‘Es lebe Deutschland! Heil Hitler! And farewell!’”
FEAR not tuna. Lizzy Jagger is here! To draw attention to overfishing, Jagger, 28, has taken off her clothes and mounted a dead yellowfish tuna donated by Waitrose. Yeah. She’s Lady Codiver. It looks more like fetish porn than a call to arms. Still, if freshening up a tuna with your genitals is good for fish stocks, we will not argue. Sadly, a big tuna is pricy. If you want to highlight the perils of overfishing, we suggest something more in keeping with your budget, like a tin of sardines or a squid ring…
THE media is great, isn’t it. The very people that say how dare the tabloids not go after a breathing Jimmy Savile are the ones who say the tabloids should not publish half truths and be subject to strict guidelines and even stricter libel laws. Jimmy Savile must never happen again, they say. Journalists should be licensed, they say.
The big problem with journalism is when the writers are fans. Take Jimmy Page, the Led Zepellin guitarist who “dated” a 14-year old child when he was an adult. And look at Michael Hann’s piece in the Guardian on Celebration Day, a film about the band:
Led Zeppelin: ‘There was a swagger – we knew we were good’ – The film Celebration Day captures Led Zeppelin onstage in all their glory in 2007. The band discuss their musical legacy, reputation for excess – and why they will never reunite again.
YOU can forgive Nick Clegg a lot. But then he goes and does the thing that make your cringe: he meets Bono in his London office. If only Nick could be like Bono, saying things to an obsequious audience without fear of having to explain how the great scheme for fairness and peace would work. The journalist / fan / politician nods along. The onderschept popstar prates on. Nick nods and laughs at all the jokes. How Nick would love to be a pop star, a grandees of the platters, living in a stately home or tax haven and talking about distributing wealth and helping the poor . If only he could be like Bono, a stinking rich tax massager who need never explain, just inspire.
The simply Red Singer Mick Hucknell once told us:.
“I’ve said to Tony, ‘You should have waited on Iraq’. He listens.”
Tony Blair was the ultimate pop politico. He had wanted to be a guitarist. He recalls a meeting with President Bill Clinton.
“I like him a lot. We met Chuck Berry and it was a mutual case of ‘Wow!’ Never mind about meeting world leaders, this was a REAL superstar. Meeting Chuck Berry was a great moment for both of us.”
Between 1997 and 2001, Tony Blair’s list of guests at Chequers went:
Dame Judi Dench
Sir Richard Branson
When Nick Clegg says he wants equality and fairness, he’s an out of touch posh boy. When Bono says it, the politician listens in awe. Poor Nick. Someone give him a guitar…
STIEG Larsson wrote a letter to his partner, Eva Gabrielsson. On November 9th of 2004, Stieg Larsson died. He was 50. He left behind a letter. The envelope was titled: ”To be opened only after my death”.
WHEN a vagina dies. Olivia Wilde explains her marriage to Italian prince (of which there are at least 2,345 in Las Vegas on any Wednesday night) Tao Ruspoli:
“I felt like my vagina died….Turned off. Lights out… you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.”