Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
WE’VE already seen Kim Kardashian, inside-and-out. Mainly thanks to a leaked sex tape and an x-ray of her arse. However, there might be another sex tape knocking around after a convicted fraudster by the name of Jonathan Lee Riches claimed that he’s appeared in a knacky flick with her.
Jonathan not only claimed to film the beast with two backs, but also claimed that he lost his virginity to Kim during a trip to Armenia. Oddly, it seems that he’s put forward these claims because he wants to be added as a plaintiff to her case against clothing Giant GAP and The Old Navy.
NOT content with getting into a spot of bother with a paparazzo, allegedly duffing him up with his tiny fists, Justin Bieber has ended up concussed in Paris. Did the French sock him in the face because of his woeful music? Sadly not. JB ended up knocked-out for 15 seconds after he indulged himself in some grand stupidity.
Bieber was sparko after he ran into a glass wall backstage while in the French capital.
Immediately after the show, Bieber addressed the mishap, Tweeting: “im fine. just smacked my head and needed some water. all good.”
THE Prometheus world premiere in photos. Guy Pearce, Charlize Theron, Sir Ridley Scott, Giannina Facio, star turn Michael Fassbender, Noomi Rapace and more. As for the film: if you like aliens and want to see humans get a new kind of forbidden fire from the space men in a garbled sci-fi spectacular, this is for you…
KIM Kardashian says British Airways workers at Thiefrow Airport stole some of her “irreplaceable” items. You might suppose Kim’s biggest assets are zipped to her superstructure – the bum jugs and front jugs, come to mind. But Kardashian says the BA worked have stolen a load of her handbags and a pair of – get his – “priceless” sunglasses she inherited from her dearly departed dad.
This is how it is in the Hollywood Hills, readers. Your dad leaves you his underpants, a library book fine, the advice never to look under the loose floorboard in the shed and a taxman suit. The Hollywood showbiz lawyer leaves behind priceless sunglasses that when you look through them turn everything green, render body hair invisible and have mirrors on the inside…
YOU know how Justin Bieber has been accused of roughhousing a photographer? Well, presumably hoping it would all go away like that girl who claimed she’d had his baby, this case is going to rumble on after it was reported that his case will be referred to the Los Angeles County District Attorney for possible criminal prosecution.
Hilariously, if he’s charged and convicted, he could go to the clink for a whole six months.
According to professional ambulance-chasers TMZ, the police have decided to refer the case to prosecutors.
SHE may have given soul music a shot in the arm by introducing it to hip hop, but Mary J. Blige could be in a mountain of trouble. Mary J. set up a charity, but sadly, rather than empowering women, it has been bouncing cheques, doesn’t have an office or a phone number and has seen hundreds of thousands of dollars of donations going walkies, allegedly.
Blige’s charity failed to file its tax returns as well as its annual state-charity registration, which means it has been slapped with two lawsuits. One claims that the group has swindled musicians regarding a 2011 fund-raising gala and another alleges the charity has defaulted on a $250,000 loan.
TWO of the most hateful humans to ever evolve from apes, Gordon Ramsay and Will Ferrell, played in a charity football match last night and we’re sad to report that neither of them are dead.
Ferrell limped off the pitch, presumably after injuring his severely under-employed funny bone. However, it was Ramsay who looked closest to joining the great choir invisible after he was removed from the pitch after a run in with former England player Teddy Sheringham.
THE Katie Price dating rules state that the lover shall be available as an accessory for Pricey’s / Jordan’s works in self-promotion. To date, we’ve seen Alex Reid in a mankini (Katie’s books), Peter Andre in a renewal of vows (Katie’s telly and kidzzzz) and now Leandro Penna illustrating Katie’s summer lingerie range by lying topless in his bed and picking his nose. Phwoar!
PS – All Katie’s lovers end up topless in public. It’s all like watching an end of the pier farce in which Price’s Velcro nipple tassels keep getting caught in the threads of a succession of lovers, causing the hapless dude’s clothes to be ripped clean off whenever Katie departs. (Exit pursued by bare.)
NAFF Diamond Jubilee tribute of the day: Take That Gary Barlow sees the light:
“Meeting the Queen . . . well, it’s not like meeting a normal person. She’s surrounded by this powerful aura, but it’s an aura that feels warm, good and nice. I’ve met some powerful people in my life and there’s often a darkness you get with power. Not with the Queen. You never get the feeling that she has abused her power.”
HE may not have gone through any kind of medical school or somesuch, but Professor Green is – remarkably – saying very wise things. This is despite the fact that, when he raps, he sounds like Cuddles the monkey if Orville got him in a headlock.
In an interview, he decided to stick the boot in on those loathsome chancers from The Only Way Is Essex. Obviously, this is the absolutely correct thing to do with those preening, varnished nincompoops with all the wherewithal of a bucket of fish-heads.
PUNK is a sly old slag. It pretended to be anti-establishment (ie, anti-corporate and therefore, anti-money) when all along, it was just waiting to cash-in and start shouting its mouth off saying that all attempts at grabbing money are little more than ‘art-school pranks’ and that, as ever, punk is as real as real can be.
So now, firmly part of the establishment, punk is going to the silver screen with a biopic of legendary NYC punk club, CBGBs.
SIGNS that journalism is dying: Beyonce Knowles has won an award for her writing. The New York Association of Black Journalists has given Beyonce a prize for a ‘What I Did on My Holidays’ article she wrote for Essence magazine.
The article, for those of you who missed it, can be read here. The highlights of Beyonce’s award-winning nine-month holiday are:
“…Here Beyoncé shares her journey with ESSENCE readers exclusively.Whenever I work with ESSENCE, it feels like home. The collaboration is always smooth and the concept of the rodeo took me…”
“…I’m drawn to the ocean. Whether it’s jumping from a yacht…”
“…All over Italy the streets smell like gelato…”
“…I was in the middle of performing “Irreplaceable,” and as the audience started singing, “to the left, to the left,” there was a woman sitting on top of a man’s shoulders in her full, traditional burka. Only her eyes and hands were visible. She was waving her hands to the left, to the left, and singing every word — which I could see because the veil around her mouth was moving…”
“…I discovered I love artichokes…”
“…Anyone can plan a staycation, just make the decision to take time for yourself and explore. Eat alone at your favorite restaurant or the one you’ve always wanted to try. Go to a day spa instead of getting the quick mani-pedi. Grab a friend and visit the closest winery. I’m grateful for the time I gave myself to breathe…”
BEN Duffy tells Sun readers that David Baddiel is to “take Class A drugs live on telly”. This isn’t new series of Celeberty Big Brother, for which Baddiel selects a bag of smack as his treat item, rather it’s ”part of a scientific study for a new show”.
Duffy says Baddiel will take MDMA on TV’s Drug Live. As Baddiel gets off his face and attemepts to put his thoughts into words (save the bother and just listen to techno or take a night bus) newsman Jon Snow and Embarrassing Bodies presenter Dr Christian Jessen will host a debate.
WE’VE (that’d be the Royal ‘we’ of sneering pop-culture writers) all been waiting for Justin Bieber to go full-fat brat and, well, it seems to be happening. After being a squeaky clean, good ol’ Christian boy, he’s slated the girl who said he got her pregnant in public, he’s flipped the bird at photographers and said ‘everything happens for a reason’ about rape victims.
CHERLY Cole is back. On the weekend, the singer dived from the balcony onto The Voice stage, where she was caught by a bevy of male dancers. That was in keeping with the Year’s Olympic theme. But, of course, this is precisely how the lads from Chelsea FC choose their conquests. Stung by the kind of kiss ‘n’ revelations that helped separate Cheryl from the Blues’ Ashley Cole, the players are now cautious: if they toss the lovely in the air and she lands face down, the lads give the thumbs up and she’s whisked off to Grosvenor House for a barbecue; face up and the lady waits while the players check her identity against their C-fit app. and Max Clifford’s client list.
LAST week was a big one for Coleen Rooney. She was front-page news on the Daily Mail on account of her being photographed on a sun lounger in Las Vegas. Heat magazine calculated that she was so in love that Coleen had piled on 4lbs in weight. And then Coleen grasped the nettle and gave us a rare insight into her starry life when she tweeted:
Had a fantastic night at Elton John Vegas Show last night!! And so nice to meet him!!! #starstruck
JENNIFER Taule, Tasha Reign, and Brooklyn Lee are the trio of porn stars who met and got photographed with Bill Clinton.Bill just needs to add a witticism, such as “I never inhaled – Bill”, “I got my 3-4-1 dry cleaning voucher – Monica’s Mess”, or ”My other lover killed Osama bin Laden – you cannot hide”.
For now the only one talking is Brooklyn Lee, winner of the Best BJ scene at the Adult Video News Awards (but Bill already knew that). She tells Coed magazine:
COED: “Well, it seems to have worked out well for you. Is your real name Brooklyn?” Brooklyn: “Lol obviously not. Who names their kid Brooklyn?”
HOW’S John Travolta dealing with those allegations that he’s a predatory gay man? Why, by creating a Mother’s Day video for his wife Kelly Preston, who pointed us towards the film when she said: “My husband, Johnny, made his directorial debut creating a special Mother’s Day video for me. I was so moved and love it so much that I wanted to share it with all of you.”
The film features photos of the Travolta family set to the strains of Barbara Streisand’s That Face.
DO not adjust your set. Aliens have not landed. That is just Nicole Kidman mingling with her co-star Zac Efron at The Paperboy premiere in Cannes. Aside from the mobile satellite dishes, the other talking point is the scene in the film where Kidman wees on Efron. This is not that kind of kinky film. Kidman widdles on Efron because he’s been stung by a jellyfish. It’s not a scene that is glossed over . We get to see the stream of urine tumble over Efron’s face and chest. Says Kidman’s character, a sexual predator who wants to break the no-hands rule with her death row lover: “If anyone’s gonna pee on him, it’s gonna be me.” You can’t help but think that were this the other way around – Efron peeing on a topless Kidman – the art may be overtaken by something less lofty…
From left, actors Zac Efron, Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey pose during a photo call for The Paperboy at the 65th international film festival, in Cannes, southern France, Thursday, May 24, 2012. (AP Photo/Lionel Cironneau)
DEATH. As a dark Shadow, beckons his prey into the unknown by a soft whisper in the soul. Or, in the case of Elton John, something that will be of great concern after he was hospitalised after he came down with a ”serious respiratory infection”. No poetry will ever make Elton John want to die. He wants to live forever. In a palace made from diamonds and marbles.
Mister Yellow Brick Road was rushed to the Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, where they have hospital beds made from cocaine and chihuahuas, in the early hours of yesterday morning. He’s undergone every single test on Earth (just in case anyone is competitive about such matters, so he can eventually roll his eyes and say “yeah, had it”) and doctors have told him he won’t be performing ever again. Okay. That’s not true. He won’t be performing for a bit.
BASIC INSTINCT showed us Sharon Stone’s genitals and Total Recall showed us her boobies (while Sliver showed us so much that we could all see what she’d had for her dinner). However, it’s Stone’s former housekeeper that wants us to know even more about her. Provided we add ‘allegedly’ to the whole proceedings.
See, Sharon is being sued by her former lackey who is making all kinds of fantastic claims about the woman no-one knew could act until she appeared in Casino.
In a court document, Erlinda T. Elemen’s harassment lawsuit claims Stone insulted her Filipino accent, saying that Stone wouldn’t let her speak in front of her children so they would “not talk like you”. Elemen also claims that Stone wouldn’t allow her to read the Bible in the actress’ home. Although, that seems fair given that reading fiction at work is slacking off work.
YOU may think James Bond is a suave, sophisticated man. That’s probably because he drives expensive sports cars, travels in luxury, always has a nice watch on and is the epitome of tailored cool. Right?
You couldn’t be more wrong.
You see, Ol’ Bondy is ditching his famous Martini in favour of being a loutish, beer swigging, burping sell-out. That’s right. No long will Bond be asking for his cocktail ‘shaken, not stirred’ because he’ll be too busy crushing beer cans on his head and howling at football matches (what team does Bond support anyway?).