Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
CAR driving music with a film car chase montage. Can you name the films?
ON last week’s instalment of ITV’s Peter Andre: My Life Peter attends the Asian Business Awards. He meets Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. What happend next:
Pete met Asian business bigshots:
HOW does Matt Drudge do it? The New York Times notes:
To ease his back, neck and shoulder pain, Mr. Drudge says he has learned how to adjust his posture. Whether he’s typing in the car, from the wooden folding chair in his Miami home office, or from a boardwalk bench at the beach on cloudy days, he makes sure to tilt the top of his pelvis forward, roll his shoulders back, elongate his spine and straighten his craned neck.
Drudge’s spine is a graduate of Esther Gokhale, of whom he says:
“I needed her touch, her observations and her humanity.”
“But I don’t beat myself up about it. When I’m aware of my posture, I fix it. And eventually, I think, it becomes who you are.”
The man’s a backbone with fingers…
Fan banned from The Vaccines gig for being unable to name lead singer is lead singer of a band named The Uninvited
TO the Vaccines gig at Venue Cymru in Llandudno, north Wales. Andy Bellis from Wrexham has been refused entry. The bouncers wanted to know the the name of The Vaccines’ front man and two of their albums. Failure to answer correctly would mean no entry. Says Mr Bellis:
“We queued up for a good half hour and give our tickets at the door. It seemed pretty normal. So, we’re pulled aside to get searched and the security guy asks if I know the lead singer and could I name their two albums and some songs. I couldn’t think off the top of my head so they kicked us out, took the tickets off us and said we couldn’t watch the band because we didn’t know enough information about them. I’ve made a complaint to the venue asking for a refund as there was no other reason I wasn’t allowed in.”
In photos: the stars’ hilarious punk outfits at the Costume Institute Benefit Gala at the Metropolitan Museum
TO the Costume Institute Benefit Gala at the Metropolitan Museum – New York. The theme was Punk: Chaos to Couture. Whoah! Punk, you say. All bullet-hard leather jackets, super-glue hair and snot. The A-list artistes would do counterculture and DIY fashion. Would any be brave enough for a Nazi helmet? Well, no. This is what punk looks like when you hire a stylist to dress you as one. It’s like watching a Hampshire golf club putting on a performance of Derek Jarman’s Jubilee:
FOLLOWING actress Reese Witherspoon’s arrest for disorderly conduct, spotters noticed star wearing an Atlanta Police Department baseball cap. Had Reese in a moment of high jinx stolen a copper’s lid, much like Bertie Wooster did in the excitement of Boat Race day. Those larks cost Wooster £5 in court. Does the hat spell more trouble for the Hollywood star?
It seems not. Officer Stanionis, of the Atlanta Police Department, tells TMZ:
“We did not give her that hat. We have no idea where she got that hat. In fact, that’s an awful hat. Looks like a patch glued onto a hat and it’s not a good one.”
Looks like the Celebrity Police Force has a fashion division…
RYAN Gosling won’t eat his cereal:
STEFAN Dennis holds the record for playing the longest-running character in an Australian TV show. He’s been Neighbours’ Paul Robinson for 28 years. Some way to go yet to beat the world record set by Bill Roache, who has played Coronation Street’s Ken Barlow for 52 years. But at 54 years young, Dennis can yet make it. And with a following wind and a decent soundtrack might Denis also top ‘Cock’ Roache’s tally of sexual conquests, a number the English actor puts at over 1000?
Dennis has been talking sex with OK!.
POP f*ckwit Pete Doherty and “troubled” Home Alone star Macaulay Caulkin are cohabiting in Paris. In 2007, Doherty topped the Celebrity Flatmate From Hell poll. Can it be that Culkin, who used to share a bed with Michael Jackson, is seeking to relive his life’s halcyon days, looking for unsuitable bedfellows? When Doherty was voted flatmate from Hell, he beat Britney Spears and Victoria Beckham into second and third places, respectively. A few votes more and the former child star could have been picking his hair out of Spears’ sink and learning how to fold peas into sandwiches with Vicky.
Gillian Orr sums up the reaction to this celebrity news:
But as one Twitter commenter (Matt Leys) pointed out, while the gruesome twosome no doubt have delusions of hedonistic poet roomies Verlaine and Rimbaud in their heads, a more fitting comparison might be that of Richie and Eddie in Bottom.
Picture: Culkin and Doherty get breakfast.
ARE you a virgin? Ever thought of selling your virginity? Well, one young lady is offering hers to Burt Reynolds, not that she actually knows him.
And the 24-year-old doesn’t really have her virginity in tact, but rather, she has a ‘born-again virginity’, whatever that means. And Burt Reynolds can have it, free of charge.
MATT Groening based many of his The Simpson’s characters on members of his family. His dad’ called Homer. His sisters are Maggie and Lisa. His mother was Margaret Ruth Groening (née Wiggum) . She died in April.
You feel like you knew her, don’t you?
RIP Ray Harryhausen, the wizard of stop-motion, who created the special effect in such films as It Came From Beneath the Sea, The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad, Jason and the Argonauts and Clash of the Titans. You were 92. And your work was terrifying . In the pre-computer age, the monsters in your films looked hideously real. They were the stuff of childhood nightmares.
OPERATION Yewtree police have arrested Jimmy Tarbuck. He’s on police bail. The police nicked Tarby, 73, at his home in Kingston upon Thames.
Say North Yorkshire police:
“We can confirm that a 73-year-old man has been arrested in connection with a historic child sex abuse investigation in Harrogate. He was released on police bail pending further enquiries.”
Tarby started out at the Pwllheli holiday camp before making it big in TV, notably presenting the Live From Her Majesty’s variety show.
He denies any wrongdoing.
IN 1967, IMB hired Jim Henson to educate their staff. His Muppets were here to help. Cue the Cookie Monster:
THE excellent 14 has a news series called Celebrity Hait Beasts. It’s about the hair. It’s always about the hair. Donald Trump and John Travolta get skewered:
DAME Helen Mirren is front-page news on account of her telling a drumming band to “shut the fuck up”. Upset at the noise affecting her performance in The Audience at Soho’s Gielgud Theatre, Mirren, dressed as The Queen, told the drummers promoting the As One In The Park festival to naff off.
Promoter Joe O’Leary, 32, tells the Sun:
“She said people had paid ‘a lot of f***ing money’ to watch her show and that we were ‘f***ing ruining it’. It was strange to see this little woman in tiara and pearls shouting like that. It’s not the behaviour you’d expect from the Queen.”
A GIRL fan (most likely crazed) dashes onto the stage as Justin Bieber plays a huge inflatable plastic piano. (Justin Bieber is four years old.)
STUART Hall get the Taiwanese news treatment. Look out for Hall being beaten to death. Hall meeting Jimmy Savile in Hell. Hall having his arms ripped out and for all eternity wailing and gnashing his teeth in frustration that he can’t do the very thing that got him damned:
Hell toupee: Donald Trump lambasts John Stewart for revealing his birth name F*uckface Von Clownstick
DONALD Trump = tweets:
“I promise you that I’m much smarter than Jonathan Leibowitz – I mean Jon Stewart @TheDailyShow.”
“Who, by the way, is totally overrated.”
Has the Trump outed a clever Jew?
STAR Wars: the 1970s French disco dance-off between Darth Vader and C3PO:
IN 1977. Vogue magazine hooked onto the Star Wars craze with a feature called THE FORCE OF FUR: Vogue fashion spread from 1977. Jerry Hall, Darth Vader, C3PO, Stormtroopers and Jawas real;sied that with fur comes intergalactic harmony.
In the first picture, Hall is wearing a Wookie:
HAPPY Star Wars Day! In honour of May the Fourth, we’ve got a Star Wars tattoo, sent out Star Wars cards, created some homemade outfits, mashed-up Withnail & I, remembered Bob Anderson, checked out the working of George Lucas’s robots, mashed-up Disney, flicked through the great Japanese movie posters, rolled a joint with Darth, rocked out to the Droids, gone looking for work with an Ewok, dressed in a saucy R2D2 outfit, got a glow-in-the-dark Yoda tattoo, triggered a race war, bought the 1977 empty box and watched the Stars Wars crew flog us all manner of crap:
Chewbacca goes nutzoid for chicken of the sea