HOW does the media respond to news that Queen Elizabeth 2 is unwell? Her Majesty has been at the King Edward VII Hospital, London, where Kate Middleton went for morning sickness treatment. The Daily Mail leads with “DON’T MAKE A FUSS” – new of the Queen’s “stoicism” – the Times leads with two coppers stood by a door (one of them is 7ft 2in PC Anthony Wallyn) and the Sun finds a pun withy “Her Majesty The Queasy”.
WHEN Prince Harry went to Lesotho, he met with Prince Seeiso at the Kananelo Centre for the Deaf, in the Maseru district of Lesotho. Harry danced, and in any language we knew what he meant. Extempore dancing is to most of us a hellish ordeal. At dos, Anorak heads to the middle of the dance floor in the hope that everyone dancing around him will act like those whirling anchovy shoals in wildlife documentaries, swirling about and making the centre invisible. It never works. The music changes; people slump off; an overexcited woman commands just one more dance. The band strikes up Wake Me Up Before You GoGo, by Wham! Game Harry then went to St. Bernadette School for the Visually Impaired. It was all for charity. At one point someone drew a picture of Prince William on the black baord, and everyone laughed:
DID you know that Prince Harry’s new girlfriend, Cressida Bonas, had a nickname in school? The Mirror says she was known as “Bon-arse” by her friends. The Mirror informs its learned readers that it’s combination of the “French word for good and her surname”. The rets of you who didn’t go to a “Posh” school like Stowe, could not hope to think of nickname for a gel called BONAS. CRESSIDA BONAS…
YOU’RE only ever really Royal if you’ve gone topless, like Sophie Wessex, Kate Middleton and Prince Harry. Young Harry Baseball Cap is, of course, dating Cressida Bonas. (Yep, he has been seen kissing BONAS in public.) She’s a willowy blonde toff who does spot of modelling and stuff. She has yet to pose topless. Her mother, Lady Mary Curzon, however, has. (Photo on Page 2.) In 1967, she appeared in Birds Of Britainby John E. Green. The blurb told us:
“She has been a debutante. Also she has been a model. Also she has been salesgirl over Christmas in Harrods department store. Also she has escorted tourists around the sights of London. None of these activities was motivated by gain, since she comes from an extremely rich family. Her father is Earl Howe, and a near relation was that magnificent proconsul of whom a contemporary rhyme only half-maliciously ran – ‘My name in George Nathaniel Curzon. I am a most superior person.’ She owns a fluffy white pekinese named Consuelo, and lives, reasonably enough, just off Curzon Street.”
IN your jealous Gummidge face Hilary Mantel. How dare she say Kate Middleton, our Duchess of Cambridge, our dewey-soft rose, is nothing more than a waving vagina on a plastic stick. Simon Balch has been on the phone to the Franklin Mint. He brings joyous news that they who have created a doll more in keeping with the real Kate, the topless stunna and would-be bikini model:
PRINCE Harry’s is dating Cressida BONAS. * (Her name must forever be capitalised.) La Bonas’s mother is Lady Mary Curzon, a siren of the Swinging Sixties with five children by three of her four husbands. She might be the Carol Jackson of high society.
PRINCE Harry has been on the slopes with Cressida Bonas. The <em >Sun sees Harry “cuddle” the 24-year-old Bonas in Verbier, Switzerland. He was not naked. She was not dressed in a bikini. These photos are safe and patriotic. Harry is “smitten” with Bonas. He has been “hauling Cressida on to his lap and giving her a passionate kiss”
All papers resist the urge to declare: “Prince Harry kisses Bonas.” That’s the kind of respect he deserves.
AWARD-winning author Hilary Mantel says the Royal Family pick a brood mare the same way a Scientology star picks a wife. They like an easy-wipe surface. Whilst Mantel was comparing Kate Middleton to a dead-eyed mannequin, the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge, for it is she, was getting back to work after her Caribbean getaway. At Hope House, she waved, looked interested, waved, shook hands, waved, waved some more and then left to a magical faraway land where the paparazzi don’t exist and everything tastes of furniture polish.
DOES the Daily Mail’s Quentin Letts read his own paper? Appearing on a This Morning chat about Kate Middlton’s pregnanct tum-tum, and Chi magazine’s photos of it wearing a bikini in the Caribbean, Letts opened that the magazione might be called “Cheap:. The Mail had already called it “tawdry“. Would this be the same Mail that pervsatunderagegirlsand publishes paparazzi photographs of pregnant women in bikinis?
I think it might be…
PS – This Morning then duly flashed up the photos of Kate in her bikini. Letts did not storm off.
PSSST! Want to see photos of Kate Middleton on holiday in Mustique? Well, then you’ll have to buy a copy of Italy’s Chimagazine, which has published the shots of the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge. The British need to make do with the Daily Mail’s news that said photos have been met with “Royal fury”.
Louise Eccles and Rebecca English poor scorn on that “tawdry” foreign rag. How very dare it cause our British Princess anguish the sticky fingers of a long lens. Meanwhile, on other Mail pages you can read:
Jenny Frost shows off her growing curves in bikini as she talks fans through her pregnancy – 10/10/2012
Revealing Victoria’s Secrets! Doutzen Kroes shows off her fabulous post-pregnancy figure in daring black bikini – 16/02/2012
Making waves! Megan Fox shows off pre-pregnancy body in tiny black bikini – 30/11/2012
Glowing Myleene Klass shows her pregnancy curves in all their glory in a white bikini – 07/11/2010
Pregnant Tori Spelling shows off her growing baby bump in a bikini… and a new tattoo tribute to husband Dean – 04/05/2011
Bumpin’ in Barbados! Coleen Rooney shows off her pregnancy curves as she soaks up the sunshine with son Kai – 06/02/2013
Baby on board! Jessica Simpson’s best friend CaCee Cobb shows off her bump in string bikini – 02/02/2013
PRINCE Harry is the gift that keeps on giving. In this photo,Prince Harry or just plain Captain Wales as he is known in the British Army, is pictured with fellow air crew in the DFAC (Dining Facility), at Camp Bastion southern Afghanistan, where he has been serving as an Apache Helicopter Pilot/Gunner with 662 Sqd Army Air Corps.
Harry is ready for his photoshop. The chap behind is wearing the look of a man who has already created the “Harry Sucking On Things” meme site…
WHO asked Prince Harry if he had killed anyone? We don’t know. But he has done. Harry says he took enemy fighters “out of the game”.
Harry’s returned from work as a co-pilot helicopter gunner in Afghanistan. Has tells media:
“Yeah, so lots of people have…The squadron’s been out here. Everyone’s fired a certain amount. Take a life to save a life. That’s what we revolve around, I suppose. If there’s people trying to do bad stuff to our guys, then we’ll take them out of the game, I suppose.”
FACE of the day: Princess Beatrice peers through a giant credit card as she visits e-commerce company ‘Zalando in Berlin with her sister Princess Eugenie, during their first joint overseas engagement. The royal sisters will travel to Germany for a two-day tour promoting the UK as part of the Great Campaign – a global initiative to attract visitors, business and students to the UK.
KATE Middleton beams from the cover of OK! magazine. She seems to say: “HOW MY MUM’S HELPED PREPARED ME FOR MOTHERHOOD.”
Has Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, taken the showbiz shilling and given an interview with OK!, bastion of journalist excellence? No. This is OK!, the mag that had Jack Tweed enact a photoshoot with Jade Goody’s ghost and which told us in its last issue:
In our 2011 Christmas edition of OK! magazine, we published an article, advertised on the front cover, accompanied by what many readers thought was a picture of Katie [Price], Peter Andre and her children which stated that she had given us an interview telling us that she would be reuniting with her ex-husband at Christmas.
In fact, Katie never gave us an interview or stated that she would be reuniting with Peter at Christmas and the picture was in fact a picture of Peter and the children (which he had posed for), which we ran together with a picture of Katie.
KATE Middleton Pregnancy Watch Day: Prince Charles warns against population growth:
Vogue: “Katepedia: A Study In Royal Style”
To celebrate the style evolution of a modern royal icon, this month Vogue, with writer Lisa Armstrong, set itself the task of analysing her every outfit, shoe and accessory to divine the vital statistics of Kate’s style…
“Both she and William share a genius from coming across as down-to-earth – with just enough glamour for them not to look like the Dutch royals,” writes Armstrong. “It’s the same knack that enables Kate to wear a high-fashion dress from Jonathan Saunders or McQueen, with her beloved courts and make millions of other women feel they could wear it too.”
For all this – and her role in the stratospheric increase in sales of sheer tights – see our February issue, on sale nationwide from Wednesday January 9.
Kate’s like one of World War 2 GIs with her fancy stockings.
One writer peeks:
It said that as long as she sufficiently recovered from the severe morning sickness that resulted in her hospitalisation last month, she could be expected to wear raised waists that “accommodate, rather than flaunt” her growing bump and that her look would need to be tweaked rather than overhauled.