The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse
“We were very surprised that our call was put through. We thought we’d be hung up on as soon as they heard our terrible accents. We’re very sorry if we’ve caused any issues and we’re glad to hear that Kate is doing well. 2Day FM sincerely apologises for any inconvenience caused by the inquiries to Kate’s hospital. The radio segment was done with lighthearted intentions. We wish Kate and her family all the best and we’re glad to hear she’s doing well.”
KATE Middleton Pregnancy watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at the Duchess of Cambridge’s pregnancy:
Those front-page headlines:
Daily Mail: “Relieved William leaves hospital after six-hour bedside vigil”
She has morning sickness.
HATS off to the Daily Mail’s legion of female hacks who knew Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, was pregnant and never told a living soul. In a piece called “WHEN THEY SAW THAT NEW HAIRDO, EVERY WOMAN KNEW” Rebecca English notes:
We knew already, you know. The cannier observers among us had already guessed a royal baby was on the way. How? It was all thanks to Kate’s hair: her great symbol, the vehicle through which she speaks to her public. The instant many of us caught sight of last week’s new fringe we just knew…
When we spotted the young Duchess hiding bashfully behind her new bangs, it was evident that a fresh era for Kate, her marriage, and her dynastic ambitions was being heralded.
IN photos: the media mob outside King Edward VII Hospital, London. Inside, Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is expecting a baby. Kate’s got morning sickness known as hyperemesis gravidarum. Expect to read lot about that. And expect to see a lot of photos of KAte’s tum-tum. But not of her breasts. That would be an invasion of her privacy:
KATE Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant. How did you react?
In hospital with acute morning sickness? Does she also sleep on a pile of feather mattresses with a pea underneath it?
KATE Middleton is pregnant. The Duchess of Cambridge is with child. Will it be new Prince Edward? The baby will be special. It has to be. It’s royal! It has to uphold and embody the idea of imperialism and superiority while being refreshingly normal and modern.
It’s not joyous news. It’s an act of cruelty. Get a load of Uncles Eddie. Go on, Kate and Wills. Take a look at the rich, mentally negligible sod who, though useless at pretty much everything, believes a career as a Royal is an actual job.
PRINCE Charles is in Papua New Guineas. He’s been speaking to the locals in a sport stadium.
“Mi nambawan pikinini bilong misis kwin…Mi na misis bilong mi mipela lik tok tenkyu tru lon yupela olgeta lon gutpela pasin bilong hamamas yupela mekim lon mipela lon kam lon Papua Niugini.”
Fancy taking a stab at what the pidgin translates to in modern English?
PRINCE Charles and Camilla are touring Papua New Guinea. The Prince has been there before.
The Times recalls Charles meeting an old acquaintance.
In the post-Jimmy Savile everything the Prince does and has done is now seen by some as tainted. The Sunday Times reported that Charles asked Savile for advice before making Sir Christopher Airy to be his private secretary in 1990. And then there was that opaque tribute.
Savile met Prince Charles many times. Savile says he took Princess Diana’s secrets to his grave. Arbiter says:
“He would walk into the office and do the rounds of the young ladies taking their hands and rubbing his lips all the way up their arms if they were wearing short sleeves. If it was summer…his bottom lip would curl out and he would run it up their arms. This was at St James’s Palace. The women were in their mid to late 20s doing typing and secretarial work… “I looked at him as a court jester and told him so. I remember calling him an old reprobate and he said ‘not so much of the old’.”
IN “LIKE FATHER – LIKE SON” the Daily Mail hits upon the hitherto incredible fact that some sons look like their dads. (It’s an answer to the age-old issue of why daughters of Rolling Stones members always look like their lithesome model mums and not craggy-faced papas). The Mail tells us that Max Irons (Jeremy Irons) has “inherited his father’s English charm”. His mum is Irish actress Sinéad Moira Cusack. Doubtless by looking at his hair, the Mail can tell Max has inherited her Irish gift of the gab.
THE Daily Mail loves Pippa Middleton. The Daily Mail loves to hate Pippa Middleton. Pippa has written a book about hosting parties. The Mail has been covering the issue:
Exclusively in this weekend’s Mail on Sunday, you’ll find the first part of Pippa Middleton’s glorious guide to simple, creative entertaining, from her sensational new book – Celebrate: A Year of British Festivities for Family and Friends. This weekend we have 24 glossy pages of magical Hallowe’en tips and brilliant bonfire night ideas.
THE Duchess of Cornwall emerges from a tour of the cells below Marlborough Town Hall to check on you know who*.
(*Fergie, Savile, Diana, Elvis, Shergar and Lucan.)
THIS week, Queen Elizabeth II saw the Windsor and Eton Society Diamond Jubilee Tribute statue at the King Edward Court shopping centre, Windsor. That statue…It’s 60 silver orbs modelled, seemingly, on stills from her yearly colonscopy:
THE Prince William love doll produced by Bradford Exchange Ltd is, it says here:
Expertly handcrafted from fine bisque porcelain, this first-of-a-kind edition bears an authentic likeness of the handsome Prince on his wedding day. Meticulously handpainted for exquisite realism, this lifelike portrait is 17 inches tall, and fully poseable.
Striking uniform recreated in exquisite detail Prince William’s dashing red tunic features a golden collar bearing the facing shamrock emblems of the Irish Guards, shining gold buttons and epaulets, white piping and embellished cuffs. A royal blue sash, golden braid, a belt with a fringed tassel, medals and military insignia add drama and authenticity. Dark-coloured slacks with scarlet striping and a military cap of authentic design complete the ensemble.
When your ‘Prince William Royal Bridegroom Porcelain Doll’ arrives, and you place him beside your ‘Princess Catherine Royal Elegance Bride Doll’, you’ll recapture all the joy and historic significance of the Royal Wedding! Don’t miss out – order yours today!
“Due to ‘adverse weather conditions’ The Duke’s helicopter is unable to take off from London this morning.”
Indeed. Air Miles Andy was heading to a meeting a Nelson & Colne college. It’s message:
We believe that it is vital to promote a “green” ethos amongst our students and staff. The College’s Sustainability Group has worked hard to raise awareness of the environmental issues we face, and the whole College has agreed challenging, but achievable goals to reduce our carbon footprint, now and in future years – targets which are already being exceeded.
THE Queen wanted Abu Hamza, the hooked-handed, one-eyed gurning loon of Finsbury Park, deported. Conspiacy theorists say that the State kept him in the UK for their own purposes:
RIP John Peter Houison Craufurd of Craufurdland. The Washer of the Sovereign’s Hands was 82. As the 28th laird of Craufurdland Castle, in Ayrshire, for it was he, said:
“We used to have to write to Buckingham Palace to offer to wash the monarch’s hands every time they were in residence at the Palace of Holyroodhouse. In his day, my father had to make that offer virtually every year, although it was very seldom accepted.
“More recently, we have been told by the Queen’s office that, as we have already washed her hands once, that is all she requires us to do. So now we have to wait until Prince Charles takes the throne before we do it again.”