PRINCE William gets the Falkland Islands. Prince Harry gets a “block party” in Belize, and a tour of the Bahamas, Jamaica and Brazil as a representative of Queen Elizabeth II.
When William talks of family he seems to mean his mother, with a tilted head and reserved sentimentality. For Harry, family is grandiose, like his father. So. Harry gets to go to the Caribbean. Alone. No significant other. The spectre of casual sex and a princess spotted in a sea of faces looms.
Prince Harry’s first stop was Belmopan, the capital of Belize. He went to name a street in honour of the Queen, and to dance and to drink rum.
Said Hal:
“Her Majesty has asked me to send her good wishes to you all. She remembers so fondly her visits to this beautiful realm and speaks of the warmth of welcome she received on her most recent visit in 1994. I’m only sorry she can’t make it and you’re stuck with me.”
WHAT can the Daily Telegraph mean by positioning a photograph of Kate Middleton, Camilla Duchess of Cornwall and The Queen on their shopping trip to Fortnum & Mason above a story on witchcraft?
TODAY, Kate Middleton went shopping with Queen Elizabeth II, the Duchess of Cornwall and the Queen at Fortnum and Mason in London. The royal guests met military personnel involved in the Gifts For Troops scheme, which sends packages to soldiers serving in Afghanistan. Our Boys an Girls get tea and biscuits (Hobbing Nobs) if they’re out there during the Diamond Jubilee weekend. They might even get some foie gras and candied peel. Fortnums is the posh shop that sells tortured goose fat. It being one of Kate Middelton’s top five sources of fat, the other four being: lamb chops, KitKats, suet and custard creams …
THE Death of King George VI was not on twitter. Rolling news had not yet been invented, nor deemed necessary. Its birth can be traced back to the Coronation of Queen Elizabeth II. The news business was different back then. Look at the captions: “Serious faces on lunch time crowds at Ludgate Circus as they read the morning papers, reflect the tragic news of the death of King George VI” and “His face reflecting the grief of the nation at the King’s death, Prime Minister Winston Churchill leaves St. James’ Palace, London, after attending the Privy Council meeting, automatically summoned on the death of the Sovereign and known as the Accession Council.” Reference in a sensation-proof silken mitt…
The coffin of King George VI, draped in a Royal Standard and guarded by workers from the Sandringham estate, in the little Church of St Mary Magdalene in the grounds of Sandringham House. Standing in front are keeper William Clarke (left) and head keeper Edward Dodds.
KATE Middleton and Prince Williams’s dog is called Lupo. Not squidy. Not Wills. Not Golly. Lupo. Their dog is a black cocker spaniel puppy named Lupo, after the Volkswagen car.
A premature ejaculation due to federal agents watching through your window, reading the microchip implanted in your brain. Man, she broke up with me because I Lupo’d on her. Wait, I shouldn’t be telling you this! Get away, who are you?? Yeah, MOM INDEED!
TODAY the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middelton, went to Oxford, where she “braved a chilly February morning wearing nothing more than a woollen shirt dress“.
No knickers. No socks. No crown. No bra.
Gordon Rayner, Chief Reporter of the esteemed Daily Telegraph, notes:
The Duchess chose a £162 “birdie” jacquard dress by the High Street brand Orla Kiely and brown suede ankle boots…
KATE Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge visited Liverpool today. There are no Royal palaces in Liverpool. Middleton was there to meet the locals at The Brink, an alcohol free bar. As Patron of Action on Addiction, Kate visited Liverpool’s first adult dry bar which is open to all members of the public, but it also has private areas set aside for alcohol counselling, run by Action on Addiction.
AS the Diamond Jubilee concert comes to a close Her Majesty the Queen will dig deep into her dignity and fire a lazerbeam down The Mall.
On June 4, the Queen will stand at Buckingham Palace, hoist a football-sized glass “diamond” on a cushion and light the beacon 1,000 yards away by Admiralty Arch.
The ‘party’ will be big on beacons. There will be 60 in all, in such locales as Hadrian’s Wall, the Tower of London, St James’s Palace, Lambeth Palace and the Palace of Holyroodhouse in Edinburgh. Lots more beacons – 2,012 – will light the world.
WITH Prince William fomenting war in the Falkland Islands, Kate Middleton was at a Lucian Freud Portraits exhibition at the National Portrait Gallery, mingling with the likes of Dame Antonia Fraser, muse ‘Big’ Sue Tilley and Lord Bragg. The Duchess of Cambridge is the venue’s first royal patron.
Ruby Essan working on the crown for the Coronation robe at the Royal School of Needlework, Kensington. It will be incorporated into the robe above the royal cypher.
IN Photos – the preparation for the Coronation of Queen Elizabeth II:
TODAY, the Queen today marked the 60th anniversary of her accession to the throne. It’s the formal start of her Diamond Jubilee. Yippee! Sure. It was also the anniversary of the death of her father. The joy is marked with personal loss. Sixty years have passed. Anorak goes back to the day in photos. A young, attractive woman had accepted the call. One question: what does the Queen stand for? Personally and in public…what values does he uphold?
Princess Elizabeth II arriving at Ceylon High Commissioner's residence in Addison Road, London, to attend a tea party given by the High Commissioner, Mr. Wijeyeratne.
THE Queen is making 60 years since her accession to the throne. For most of that 60 years her public face has been steady, a living statue who when you press her palm says something polite and meaningless. If it’s her birthday, a bouquet of flowers appears in her hands and a symphony strikes up. At all times she remains a millinery marvel, a woman in a lid. If she lives long enough the hat will come with solar panels and a windmill in an effort to reduce the Queen’s carbon footprint.
WANT to know what the Queen keeps in her handbag? Sally Bedell Smith, author of Elizabeth the Queen: The Woman Behind The Throne, says he knows. She tells The Lady readers that the bag is not a prop. It contains:
Reading glasses
Mint lozenges
Fountain pen
A “precisely folded” £5 or £10 note on Sundays (for Church collection plate)
A hook
Yes, a hook. A source confides:
“I watched the Queen open her handbag and remove a white suction cup and discreetly spit into it.The Queen then attached the cup to the underside of the table. The cup had a hook on it, and she attached her handbag to it.”
PIPPA Middleton continues her drive to create a Alternative Royal Family – something more modern that ranks a good arse and jogging over blue bloods, chinlessness and horses – by dating a George Percy, heir to the Duke of Northumberland. Percy’s version of Windsor castle is Alnwick Castle, the setting for Harry Potter’s Hogwart’s. The Sun say that one day George will get the castle and £315million.
And then there will be war – North Versus South. On one side Kate Middleton’s mob with flowing locks and Jigsaw body armour; to the other Kate Middleton stood behind her serried lines of fans spotting The Middleton bottoms bought from Harley Street’s finest bottom men.
KATE Middleton has seen off the challenge of Osama bin Laden, Elton John (it’s a hat, right?), Prince Harry Baseball Cap, The Queen, Camilla Duchess of Cornwall, Princess Beatrice, Lady… Blimey! Aside from Mr David Furnish, magicians, members of the Armed Forces and teapots, only the Royal Family wear hats.
The American The Headwear Association (founded 1908) says Kate Middelton is the Hat Person of the Year.
IN 2011, Princess Diana scored four Daily Express front pages. Diana fans had to wait until today for the Express to kick off Diana 2012. The front-page headline thunders:
“DIANA POLCIE QUIZED IN PARIS”
Oh, go on, then:
TWO leading former British policemen have been questioned over allegations they withheld vital evidence about Princess Diana’s fatal car crash.Lord Condon, former Met Police Commissioner, and Sir David Veness, ex-Scotland Yard anti- terror chief, gave statements to a French judge probing the claims. The two volunteered to go to France last Friday to explain why they failed to disclose the existence of a note in which Diana predicted her assassination.
THE Cartoon Museum on London’s Little Russell Street is hosting a celebration of Queen Elizabeth 2 in ink and satire. Her Maj: 60 years of Unofficial Portraits of the Queen runs from February 1 to April 8. The event provides a snapshot of how the Queen and her role have been perceived. Forties reverence gave way to 60s satire gave way to 21st Century sniping…
LAST week, the Daily Mail picture editor Paul Silva told the Leveson Inqurty that he receives between 300 and 400 pictures of Pippa Middleton every week.
Pippa’s and her bum have been huge talking points ever since both attended the Royal wedding. Silva doesn’t say how many photos of Kate Middleton appear on his desk every seven days but we’d wager its fewer than Pippa’s haul. As such, we urge Kate to see a cosmetic surgeon and get Pippa’s bottom. We’d all appreciate it, and it would add a rich variety to Mr Silva’s workload…
SARAH Ferguson, the still styled Duchess of York, could go done for 22 years choky. The sticky fingers of adolescent guffaws are never far removed from Fergie, the toe-sucker who became Prince Andrew’s pimp and occupies a special place in the tabloids Order Of Hate, between Heather Mills (number 99 on the chart) and Rosemary West (a credible 22 – if only she were blonde). News is that the Turkish authorities have frowned upon Duchess and Daughters: Their Secret Mission, a documentary Sarah Ferguson made with ITV in 2008, in which the former member of the royal family “secretly” filmed in a Turkish orphanage.
Fergie used what she learnt when she and Princess Diana gatecrashed Prince Andrew’s stag party dressed as policewomen, and went in disguise to a State-run orphnage on the pretence of being a wealthy donor. (Andrew… Chequebook!).
A Turkish court pressed has pressed charges against her. The court in Ankara accused Ferguson of “going against the law in acquiring footage and violating privacy” of five children“.
WHAT gifts did Prince WIlliam and Kate Middleton – the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge – score for their post-wedding tour?
We know that the Duke of York and the Earl of Wessex (Eddie and Sophie) accepted expensive gifts from members of the Bahraini royal family and other dignitaries in the repressive Gulf state, including two “suites of jewels”, a “silver and pearl cup”, a pen, a watch and a silk rug. In 2010, Prince Andfew had mad the same trip and scooped a watch, a pen, a Dilmun seal — a Bronze-Age artefact — a knife and a model of a Rolls Royce car (posisibly twice as large as a real one).
Other gifts accepted in 2010-11 are:
Prince Andrew - a puppet by the Vietnam Business Forum, an iPad from Sir Jonathan Ive, a bag of rice from a Pakistani dignitary, a laser-engraved egg in China. The Queen – a block of amethyst from the president of Namibia, and two aprons and four stuffed koalas in Australia. Prince Philip - “a tea towel and mug illustrated with images of Queen Victoria”
KATE Middleton is 30 years young today. In the Daily Telegraph’s 30 facts about the Duchess of Cambridge, we land that: “23: Kate is allergic to horses.”
Amazingly, this was not a deal breaker when it came to marrying a Windsor and jogging along nicely with your mother in law…
THE Duke of Edinburgh has left Papworth Hospital, near Cambridge, after undergoing heart surgery to have a stent fitted. Prince Philip has undergone a “minimally invasive procedure of coronary stenting“. So says Buckingham Palace. Is stenting a word? And if it is, is it like the stumping, as in the phrase issued by an drunk to a seated woman on the Central Line last week, “You want a proper stumping”?
GEORGE Michael will “NEVER SING AGAIN,” says the Daily Star’s front-page headline. But Prince Philip and his backing girls might.
It’s Celebrity Death Watch, the tabloid show starring George Michael – singer, formerly of double act Wham! – is taking on Prince Philip – one half of Britain’s most showbiz duo.
Before Christmas the papersd led with the two men, both ill. Now the front pages tell us:
“Queen’s Brave Face For Philip” – Daily Express leads with a photos of Queen Elizabeth a smiling at a Christmas Church service.
“Alone for First Time in 55 Years” – Daily Mirror leads with glum looking Queen at foresaid service.
“Philip: Just Let Me Go Home!” – Daily Mail
Her reign has always been a team effort. All her strength is built on Philip’s enduring love
The Mail is in the Haze Zone, the part leading to an obituary, in which the Prince, who is patron of the British Heart Foundation, is spoken about in Mills & Boon language.
HER Majesty The Queen is cashing in on the London 2012 Olympics by renting a field adjoining Kensington Palace to Russian visitors. The Palace is home to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and the fragrant Prince and Princess Michael of Kent, whose rent must be up for reappraisal.
Occupy Kensington Palace will boost the Queen’s Sovereign Grant. That’s the plan that gives Liz 15 per cent of all Crown Estate profits. With that she must pay for her palaces, travel, bowling alley, indoor golf course, ribbon cutting, paint sniffing excursions and to feed the willowy blonde she visits on the fabled Sixth Floor of the Harvey Nichols department store in London.
And so it is that to augment this income, Sergei Kolushev and his Eventica outfit have leased – get this – Perks Field for 28 days from July 27 next summer.
Anorak is an independent online sensation exposing prejudice, inhumanity, stuff shirts, misogyny, a biased news agenda, conformity, misanthropy, spin and the worst and best of human culture in words, pictures and video.
KATE Middleton and Prince Williams’s dog is called Lupo. Not squidy. Not Wills. Not Golly. Lupo. Their dog is a black cocker spaniel puppy named Lupo, after the Volkswagen car.
