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Posts Tagged ‘Asda’

Asda sells bananas that can give you a four-hour erection

banana sexEver hear of the spider whose bite can give you a four-hour erection? The spiders are free and come with bunches of Asda bananas. Right now everyone with a flaccid bellend is heading to the supermarket, browsing the aisles for discount Viagra.

Ashley Gamble tells the Sun that he bought some of the phallic fruits. His partner Sophia Newcombe and their two daughters spotted the Brazilian wandering spiders and “fled” their home after “dozens of the creepie-crawlies burst out of a nest that was stuck to a piece of fruit”.

They hoovered a load of the little beasts up but didn’t get them all. Sophia wants Asda to fumigate her home. Pfizer, makers of Viagra, doubtless want the spiders killed.

And anyone keen to offer Sophia cash for the contents of her hoover bag should be aware of the health warning: the erection lasts four hours but the man wearing it is dead inside two hours.

And, no, rigor mortis, is not a recognised cure for impotence.



Posted: 21st, September 2016 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment

Asda About To Get Screwed By Equal Opportunities Legislation

Asda is about to find itself having to explain a slightly uncomfortable set of facts: the men in its warehouses who load up the trucks get paid rather more than the women who unload the trucks onto the shelves do. And, since it can be argued that loading and unloading a truck is rather the same thing then, given that it’s mostly men doing the one, and getting paid more, and mostly women doing the other and getting paid less, then therefore this is sexual discrimination.

And that’s exactly what is being alleged:

Legal firm Leigh Day said it had been approached by 19,000 people – mostly women – after it announced it was taking action against the retailer.

The legal business said the case centres around women employed in Asda’s stores being paid less than male colleagues doing a similar work in its distribution chain.

“In the supermarkets the check-out staff and shelf-stackers are mostly women,” said Michael Newman, an employment law specialist at Leigh Day. “The people in the warehouses are pretty much all men. And, as a whole, the group that is mostly men gets paid more.”

“Our investigations suggest that the jobs are pretty much the same, in that warehouse staff are responsible for taking items off shelves, putting them on pallets and loading them into lorries.

“In the supermarket, they do the reverse: taking the pallets off the lorries, unstacking them and putting the items on the shelves.

“Where the jobs are not similar, we still think they are of equal value.”

Paying people for the same work differently is illegal of course. Illegal if it’s based upon such things as gender or race that is. There is another view possible, of course there is:

An Asda spokesman said: “A firm of no-win, no-fee lawyers is hoping to challenge our award-winning reputation as an equal opportunities employer.

“We do not discriminate and are very proud of our record in this area which, if it comes to it, we will robustly defend.”

And then there’s the more nuanced view that an economist might offer. Those warehouse jobs are indeed largely being done by men. Those instore jobs are indeed largely being done by women.


The obvious assumption is that there’s something about either end of the work that preferentially attracts (or repels) men and or women. None of us do think that Asda is being stupid enough to insist that only men can work in the warehouses, or only women in the stores: that’s so illegal that we really don’t think they’re that dumb. so, why do we have this gender segregation? We can come up with all sorts of theories but the most likely one is that there’s a difference in the physical strength required. Manhandling a tonne or two of pallet onto a truck is going to be rather different from placing the tomato sauce bottles on the shelf. And that is one area where there really are differences between the sexes: men do have greater physical strength (on average and in general).

Quite how the case will play out no one is at yet sure: but I’d run with the lawyers trying it on as my own opinion.

Posted: 25th, October 2014 | In: Money | Comment

How much are Asda’s £1 bananas worth?

WHEN shopping, deals are not always what they seem. Supermarkets are well known for artificially hiking prices, just so they can knock some money off with a big sale sticker, even though the item is slightly more expensive than it was before the prices up.

And so, to Asda. Have you seen them selling a bunch of bananas for a quid? Seems reasonable doesn’t it?

Well, a clever sod called Alan Hudson from Tyne & Wear decided to get the £1 bananas and stick them on the scale at the self-scan checkout. And what did he find?

They were only worth 54p.

Alan said: “It’s disgusting really. There are millions of people living on the poverty line, trying to reduce the cost of their shopping as much as possible and looking out for bargains.”

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Posted: 3rd, October 2014 | In: Reviews | Comment

Police Hunt Lancashire Teens Who Slapped An Asda Worker With A Wet Bream

fish slappers


IS the birth of a new craze? Police in Lancashire are seeking a m an and a women who accosted a shop worker at the Accrington Asda supermarket with a wet bream.

The victim, 52, was working the fish section when a younger women approached. She asked about the fish. The would-be shopper then picked up the bream and used it to slap the fish seller about the face.

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Posted: 26th, February 2014 | In: Strange But True | Comments (2)

Mental Patient Fancy Dress Costume makes you look like a typical Walmart shopper

mental halloween




THIS Halloween whey not pretend to be a mental patient in an off-the-peg outfit from Asda, the supermarket owner by WalMart? “Mental patient fancy dress” features blood, mask, imitation meat cleaver but not chemical coshes and a sense of foreboding.

Says one Walmart shopper: “What outfit?”




Posted: 26th, September 2013 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Shoplifter caught out by his pet dog


DARWIN calls William Cochrane, 28, who celebrated his birthday by nicking an iPod and speakers from Asda in Inverness.

Off he ran with his booty. And he would have gotten away with it, too, had it not been for one small issue: he’d left his dog tied up outside he store. Cochrane’s address and name were on the dog’s collar.

At Inverness Sheriff Court, Cochrane admitted two charges of dishonesty.


Posted: 24th, September 2013 | In: Reviews, Strange But True | Comment

Is Asda selling carrots to Welsh Morons?

NO! Asda is not calling its customers morons. ‘Moron’ is the Welsh word for carrots. 

carrots moron asda


Spotter: Robert Mills

Posted: 6th, June 2013 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Asda Corned Beef – now with free drugs!

Corned beef recall after bute found

THERE’S a little bit extra in your tins of ASDA Smart Price Corned Beef. There’s a dash of the veterinary drug phenylbutazone, known as bute. The Food Standards Agency has found traces of the painkilling medicine in those cans. You can keep your hash brownies, your space cakes and your Kool Aid. Asda is giving away free drugs with meat. Beat that, vegetarians!

Posted: 11th, April 2013 | In: The Consumer | Comments (6)

Miley Cyrus Is A Person Of Wal-Mart: Photos Of Miley’s Supermarket Range

MILEY Cyrus was at an Asda in Spondon, Derbyshire, to promote her new range of outwear for George At Asda. Wal-Mart owns Asda. Miley is a person of Walmart. The range is called Miley And Max; the Max part being a reference to Max Azria, which may be a made-up name. Sadly, kids, you can’t get the real Miley look which consists of tight gusset gear and a splash of flesh and side boob. She’s getting older. The teen stage is cashing in before it all goes pear shaped…


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Miley Cyrus arriving for the 2010 MTV Europe Music Awards, at the Caja Magica, Manzanares Park, Madrid, Spain.

Posted: 9th, November 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment

In Pictures: Selena Gomez For Asda

SELENA Gomez was at the launch of Disney Channel’s ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’ George at Asda fashion range, at One Marylebone in central London. We saw the new teen sensation in her black top and spangly skirt. Also there: Sol Campbell lookalike (NSFW) Alexandra Burke and the increasingly ubiquitous Danielle Lineker, wife to crisp fancier Gary Lineker…


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Selena Gomez at the launch of Disney Channel's 'Wizards of Waverly Place' George at Asda fashion range, at One Marylebone in central London.

Posted: 7th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comments (2)

Bournemouth Asda Sells Sex Lubricant As Children’s Bath Aide Fun

FROM the Asda store in Bournemouth Castlepoint, Mike Boss receives his home delivery of sexual lubricant for his child’s bath. It’s clean fun!

Can Durex Play Lubricant foam on application? Is it better than the pervy-named Lucky Matey bubble bath Mr Boss had ordered?

Sexy Foods

Matey, rebranded as Wanky in a Young Ones episode, comes in a bottle shaped like a cheery parrot wearing an eye patch. Says Mike:

“We’ve had issues with Asda deliveries before. Last time there were 16 substituted items. But this is taking things to a whole new level – I’ve no idea who could confuse sexual lubricant for children’s bubble bath. When they bring your order they give you a delivery list to check so that you can confirm the substitutes. When I saw what they’d done I was gobsmacked!”

And intrigued?

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Posted: 21st, March 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Jeremy Kyle: Access All Areas: Kyle Meets The People Of Walmart

80617181AT an Asda supermarket in central Southampton, Jeremy Kyle of signing copies of his new DVD, Jeremy Kyle Access All Areas, aka “Shut up! It’s MY show! BE A MAN!, my love.”

Says the blurb:

Ever wondered what happens to the guests before and after the cameras roll on THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW?

They get play Xtreme Scrabble? They are forced to listen to 128bmp rave albums? They fail their O’Levels, are unable to find a satisfying job, marry their 345th sexual partner and then after five children and a recreational drug misunderstanding kids they appear on the show?

Well now you can find out, with this ALL ACCESS release that’s exclusive to DVD.

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Posted: 24th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Asda Puts Labour Government On Sale

OH dear: Chancellor Alistair Darling during a Glasgow North East by-election campaign visit to an ASDA store in Glasgow. No returns:


Posted: 9th, November 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Horror In Preston As Asda Shopper finds Chicken’s Head Attached To Chicken’s Body

buck-buckIN “Chicken head horrified Preston shopper” Matthew Squires brings news to the people of Preston:

A stunned shopper bought a chicken from Preston’s Asda store only to find its head still attached. Helen Kirby, 27, of Thistlecroft in Ingol, was horrified to discover it tucked under the body of the bird.

A chicken’s head? On a chicken? What The Buck-Buck?!

She brought the ‘whole chicken’ from the Asda store at Fulwood and immediately froze it. Because the head was well hidden under the chicken’s body, it was only when she put the bird in the oven to cook that she made what she describes as a “disgusting” discovery.

At least it wasn’t tucked inside the bird. A knife. A slice. Boo!

Anyhow she took her complaint to Asda, who laughed in her face and said that chickens still do come with heads, in the main, because they need them to feed through – although what with injections, heads on chickens may soon becomes useless.

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Posted: 22nd, October 2009 | In: The Consumer | Comment

Supermarket Bans Under 25s From Buying Daily Mail And All Newspapers

supermarket-banANORAK likes to spot new trends in journalism, and we bring you tales from the aisles, the casebooks of the supermarket police force, who serve to ban you from buying inappropriate goods.

One day supermarkets will ban under 25s from buying newspapers, full as they with scare stories and porn. But not many under 25s buy them, so there may not be any need to bother.

The essential Bournemouth Echo reports on the defiantly named Gill Power-Forward, a product of nominative determinism who will not be stopped:

Gill Power-Forward had just finished at the check-out at the Canford Heath Asda store and was handing the heavier of the two bags to her strapping teenage son Andrew to take to the car.  But she was stunned to be stopped by the cashier, who insisted she carry the heavy bag herself because it had the bottle of wine in – and her son might drink it…

As a strapping lad…

Gill said: “I didn’t know what to say. The world’s gone mad was all I could think – it’s crazy. Suppose I’d been in a wheelchair and was unable to carry the bag.”

Or had to put the bag on your lap. Suppose.

The Guardian brings news from Leeds, and introduces the idea that the shopper’s profession in relevant:

Management consultant Jackie Slater thought she was completing a normal shopping trip to Morrisons until the checkout assistant demanded to see her ID before scanning two bottles of wine.

Management consultants, eh. Would you trust one?

“I told her I was really flattered, but I was the wrong side of 50,” she said. But the assistant pointed to her 17-year-old daughter, Emily, and her 18-year-old niece, Annice, who were standing at the end of the checkout chatting.

“She asked: ‘Are they with you?’ I said they’d come to help me carry the bags back to the car. The assistant said: ‘You could be buying the wine for them. It’s the policy – I have to see everyone’s ID to make sure they are all over 18’.”

And in the Mail:

RAF officer banned from buying alcohol because he was shopping with son, 17

That an RAF officer had to buy his own booze is disgusting enough. But this is too much.

And what about her:

Karen Dumelow is 46. She looks younger. She at a branch of Tesco with her 14-year-lold daughter Emily. She is buying two bottles of wine (white).
The cashier asks for ID. Karen Dumelow is by trade a “fraud investigator”. Says mum to the Porstmouth News:

“The checkout assistant asked Emily for ID and I just told her that obviously she didn’t have any because she is only 14 years old.”

Obviously. And, perhaps, not an ID she wanted to show her mum.

For some it’s booze. For Tesco’s it’s spoons. Tesco’s moves with the times:

Emma Sheppard is unable to buy a packet of teaspoons from her local Tesco’s in Evesham, Worcester. The check out operative has studied the ‘Think 25′ scheme, and wonders if Emma is old enough – over 25 – to buy teaspoons.

Says Emma:

“When the assistant asked me for ID I thought John had sneakily put some booze in the trolley, but then when she held up a pack of spoons we looked at her like she was an idiot.

“We were both a bit taken aback really – what are you going to do with a packet of spoons that means you need ID to buy them? In this crazy world we live in, you have to be over 18 to buy teaspoons it seems.”

Read: Tesco Introduces Products For Over 65s Only

Emma is housewife, says the Mail, which showcases these type of stories to show just how hideous the country becomes when Daily Mail readers rise to positions of authority….

Posted: 11th, October 2009 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)


asdaASDA open 24 hours a day; 9 days a week…

Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Money | Comments (2)

Watch Jade Goody Burn

JADE Goody: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s post-reality career, with offical books, offical candles and offical albums

The Sun: “Charity candles for Jade funeral”

SPECIAL funeral candles with a picture of Jade have been made for Saturday’s service.

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Posted: 2nd, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

The Greatest Complaint Call Ever

AFTER the Greatest Complaint Letter ever we now bring you the Greatest Complaint Phone Call Ever – to Asda:

Posted: 29th, March 2009 | In: Money | Comment (1)