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Posts Tagged ‘Closer’

Big Fat Targets: Christina Briggs Lives On A Diet Of Rotten Tomatoes



CHRISTINA Briggs, 26, is fat. And flame-haired. She’s on benefits, too. Give her pair of NHS-supplied false breasts and a ciggie and Briggs would be the nation’s Aunt Sally with her own show on Channel 4. If she’s lucky, she could forge a career as Channel 5’s authentic face of the white working classes, like White Dee did with her stint on Celebrity Big Brother.

The Star leads with Briggs, the “25-stone SPONGER”.

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Posted: 26th, September 2014 | In: Reviews | Comment

Closer Magazine Are Having A Baby With Christine Bleakley

SINCE babies are already taking over the world I was interested to read Katie Banks’s article in Closer magazine this week. I think Katie’s got herself a little flustered here and has disappeared into the pink playpen she keeps under her desk because reading her go on and on about Christine Bleakley wanting a baby made me realize that every girl eventually outgrows her Care Bear collection.

It was real nice of Katie to clear up a piece of obvious the size of Vanessa Feltz when she tells us that Christine is thinking about having babies with fiancee Frank Lampard.

Katie goes on to say that once Christina has unattached Frank’s umbilical cord from his b-hole then Frank will want to have babies every morning.

“He’d have babies in the morning”

(Via: Christine Bleakley / Closer magazine)

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Posted: 9th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

David Beckham Can Barely See Victoria

beckham-boobsVICTORIA Beckham’s weight is subject of heated debate in the celebrity magazine community. Today we invite you to consider two Closer magazine headlines and move the polemic forward:


Posh stress: ‘David barely notices me any more” – October 7, 2009

Well, if there’s less to notice – unless, of course, Day-vid looks at the magazines, the billboards, the TV shows, the magazines, the websites….

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Kerry Katona Calls Psychic Hotline From The Attic


“Troubled Kerry Katona is running up huge phone bills to 24-hour psychic hotlines”.

So Kerry’s not mumbling to herself, then as she paces the loft like an alcopop-laced Miss Haversham? A source explains:

“She’s been spending loads of time locked in her room, drinking and phoning these expensive psychic lines.”

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Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Victoria Beckham Puts Her Breasts Behind Her Ears

victoria_beckham_classIN Closer (Groser) magazine, Victoria Beckham’s breasts (mark III) are in the chair and the talk is that they now complete her “classier image”.

Nothing reeks of class higher than a false retroussé bosom, that not only matches Posh’s nose but…

“She absolutely loves her new look. She feels is matches her body far more, matches her hairstyle…”

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Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Peter Andre “Cheated” On Katie Price

jordan-katie-price-peterIN Closer magazine, Jordan, aka Katie Price, tells one and all that pop acorn Peter Andre “CHEATED ON ME”.

“He planned to leave me ages ago,” says Jordan. “I should have trapped him with a baby.”

Peter Andre denies the allegations. And there is talk of Jordan “unravelling” – literally. In one phone call, Jordan is said to have yelled at Pete: “You’ve used me and spat me out.”

Well, would you swallow Jordan?

In other Closer news:

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Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Jennifer Aniston Brings Beckham To Her Senses

heat-magazineSKINNY is over!” announces heat magazine. And to prove how over skinny is, Jennifer Aniston has “put on half a stone”, “Posh bulks up at gym!” and Hello! magazine comes equipped with a bar of KitKat senses.

Unwrap your finger of chocolate, and marvel at how Jennifer Aniston has gained half a stone since she split from John Mayer.

Jens looks a “far cry from the shots we’re used to seeing of her on the beech with her trademark toned tummy and tony waist.”

A “far cry” – or a good cry?

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Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Fattest Mum Raises Triplet Babies On McDonald’s

leanne-saltTHE country’s “Fattest mother” – Leanne Salt – feeds her triplets on McDonald’s fast food. The children are eight-months-old.

The woman’s name? Mrs Salt.

And so we add a page to Anorak’s Nominative Determinalism Guide Book.

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Posted: 28th, April 2009 | In: Reviews | Comments (17)

Michelle Heaton’s Recipe For Happiness

ORANGEY-Brown Big Brother star emeritus Michelle Heaton (positively Bovey coloured – Ed) wants to tell Closer readers how happy she is with her body. Michelle is happy, happy, happy!

How happy is Michelle Heaton with her body. Very! Says Michelle ‘Happy Meal’ Heaton:

“I was so unhappy. I’d go home every night and stuff my face with pizza.”

Pizza is synonymous with misery. Anorak recalls a trip to the Kilburn outlet of Pizza Hut many years years ago and oveheard the exhange:

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Posted: 14th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment