Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
The Sun’s New Clothes
SIGNS that the Sun is turning into a blog as it’s front page is written by “A READER”.
Says Reader No.1: “We’re witnessing the downward spiral of Britain. Decent members of the public are being murdered by feral youths on our streets. MPs just give us sad eyes and soundbites. This is the 2007 equivalent of Nero fiddling while Rome burns.”
A READER turns out to be Dr Stuart Newton, an ex-headmaster and “Ofsted super head”. he may not be typical Sun reader. Although other Sun readers are afforded space to tell us: “Wife a bore in bed but work girl begs for sex”; “He paid man to kill me”; and “Porn rules my life”.
Dr Newton sounds like any tabloid leader writer, remaining just above the reach of the average reader by injecting his lament with a classical reference, in this instance Nero, the Roman leader who was fearful of Parthis (Iran), blamed the fires on the religionists (Christians) and kicked his wife Poppaea to death.
Next week a Midlands cabbie tells us about politics. Writes John Gaunt…
Lindsay Lohan’s Tuck Shop
LINDSAY Lohan has got her cardigan stuck in her skirt.
Before the Sun can go live to the scene, word from the paper’s fashion expert on if wearing cardigans in skirts is the new black and if the look can be replicated on the high street for less.
Says cardigan enthusiast Bob Carolgees…
Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Jacqui Smith’s Spit Of Bother, With Jade Goody
POOR Jade Goody. Had only she not performed so badly in Celebrity Big Brother she would be on hand to help Home Secretary Jacqui Smith through the perils of kebab eating and late-night street walking.
But Celebrity Kebab Shop with Jade Goody remains in the planning stages, and any intentions to have Goody installed as the Government’s Curry Sauce tzar are now deemed too racial even for new Labour.
And so it is that Jacqui Smith, our Home Secretary, is forced to take her life, and meat product sandwich, in her hands and wander into “KATIES kebabs and burgers” in Peckham, South London.
Such a happening gives Smith a useful anecdote with which to thrill the hacks and her fellow MPs. She recalls her visit to the kebab eatery but cannot recall the time. Citizen Smith claims it is “evening”. Ender Ginel, the kebab shop owner, says it was “early evening”.
The Mail siezes on this discrepancy (“Smith stumbles into kebab fiasco”). Having dealt with the differences between “casual” and “smart casual”, it now dives fearlessly into what into the murky world of reservations.
KATIES’ policy is clear: “When we have special customers in here like families we just chuck the troublemakers out,” says Mr Ginel. Adding: “Jacqui Smith didn’t have any problems in here.” At no time was she asked to leave.
Says Mr Ginel: “She just sat there and ate her kebab.”
That Smith then told the world about her adventure with meat on a stick is no matter of public record.
And we look forward to her debating the role of kebabs in the community on Question Time, alongside a contrite Ms Goody…
Some questions for Ms Smith:
Was your kebab hung for 56 days?
Is meat murder?
How do your remove curry sauce from white fabric?
On The Couch With Citizen Smith
Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
The Most Depressing Read Of The Year
THE EXPRESS brings news that today is most depressing day of the year. Depressed?
“It’s miserable Monday,” says the Mail.
Says psychologist Cliff Arnall: “If you think about January 21 as Blue Monday, the part of the brain known as the reticular activating system will immediately begin to focus on negative things that arise during the day.”
Such as the Daily Express and Daily Mail…
Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Paul Burell’s New Look
A VISIT to the Paul Burrell’s official website (Burrell: Diana and My Website) reveals the message: “Temporarily closed, for updates and a new look… come back soon.”
A new book? No, a new look? Didn’t he give the dresses back?
Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Suicide Pills For Smokers
“STOP smoking drug ‘linked to suicides’,” says the Express.
One imagines the NHS wonks are taking a keen interest in this story. Can resources be spared?
News that Champix has been “blamed” for one death in the UK and linked to more in the US is grim. But on a happier note, smokers find it hard to give up and impossible to reverse any damage done by smoking to the body.
Look out for the NHS offering Champix free to all smokers, and so saving our health Nazi Government millions of pounds…
Tarra A Brit: Britney Spears Snaps At Adnan Ghalib
WHEN Britney hooked up with Birmingham boy Adnan Ghalib and we heard those reports of her speaking in a British accent we thought we knew.
Britney had become Brit-nay. The singer /actress was channelling Miss Diane, stalwart of the original Crossroads show.
Things would be awlroight for Brit. She would stop her blabberin’, hook up with Ghalib, create a babby and spend her days clatterin the crocks in one of the edgier parts of Edgbaston.
A pal mentioned how Brit and Ghalib had talked of marriage.
But now the Star leads with the news “BRITNEY DUMPS BRUM LOVER”.
Brit-nay says “tarra a bit” to Ghalib. She has, as reported, filed a restraining order to prevent him taking any more pictures of her or selling ones already snapped.
Britney’s manger, Sam Lufti, aka Osama Lufti, showed her court order to the photographers.
Says a source: “Adnan has taken lots of private pictures of her, some quite intimate, which she is terrified will fall into the wrong hands.”
Here’s praying things don’t turn our bad for Brit and these pictures end up in the tabloids…
Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Pete Doherty Remembered, by Laura McLaughlin
PETE Doherty has, reportedly, been making friends with Laura McLaughlin.
She tells the News of the World: “The baby is Peter’s. There is no doubt about that. I was a virgin when I met Peter and when we had sex.”
Does Ms McLaughlin believe her parents might think better of her if they learn via the pages of the tabloid press that the first time their daughter had sex it was with a known drug user and celebrity?
Stephen and Helen McLaughlin – “they run a multi-million pound roofing business in Scotland” – offer no comment.
Says Laura of Doherty: “He knows about the baby. I told him I was pregnant the moment I found out shortly after Christmas. We are only in contact by phone.”
If only she had only contacted Doherty by phone. Indeed, a phone with a condom pulled over it might be more hygienic. And then she should consider earmuffs, holding the phone at arm’s length and a scouring brush . But things got more intimate for the girl billed as god-daughter to Sir Alex Ferguson, the puce-faced manager of Manchester United.
Says Lola: “He was a very laid-back lover and very gentle with me. He wasn’t into anything kinky or strenuous and that suited me down to the ground seeing as it was my first time having sex.”
And then the condom split. Pregnant, she told Doherty. Says Lola: “His apathy has been traumatic for me. I wanted the baby to be as big a deal to him as it was to me. But it wasn’t. One minute he is excited and telling me, ‘How good-looking is our baby going to be?’ the next minute he’s saying, ‘You deal with it’.”
One minute she likes him being laid back, the next it’s an issue.
A spokesman for Doherty says: “Pete says he doesn’t know who this girl is.”
Which, to the best of Doherty’s recollection, might well be true…
Posted: 20th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
Let’s All Celebrate Lily Allen’s Grief
LILY Allen has suffered a miscarriage. She has not commented on her condition. But the Sun is right behind her and invites readers to “Send Lily your best wishes”.
“Hi Lily, I am very sorry to hear of your loss, I too had a miscarriage and its like your world has fell apart. I lost mine in the Oct 1993 at 15 1/2 weeks
“Dear Lily and Ed, My deepest and most heartfelt sympathy go out to you both. I have lost a child my…”
“Dear Lily, I am so very sori to hear about the loss of your little beanie. I know how you are feeling becuase I have gone through several miscarriages and know the grief, shock and the pain of losing your little one [sic]”
While we can only sympathise with Ms Allen, Sun readers go further, using her pain to tell us how much they too have suffered. No event, however small or personal, is immune from displays of public grief, shows of public mourning to private tragedies.
We feel. We emote. The Sun provides a forum, a paper of condolences to sign. Moderators and editors police the forum so messages stay on-message.
We compete to see who can empathise the most, who can prove they care. Lily Allen’s miscarriage becomes a shared experience.
But where to stop? The Sun will soon be calling for International Miscarriage Week, inviting “brave” Lily to support its camping for more understating on miscarriages, and then a minute’s silence and beenfit concert.
But why not do something incredioble? Why not just leave her alone?
Posted: 19th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Britney Spears Plays The Spoons
BRITNEY Spears is in the tabloids, and in a pair of fishnet stockings, torn ones.
She is also with her Birmingham-born lover Adnan Ghalib. “HE’S AD ENOUGH,” says the Mirror for reasons that do not extend beyond a punnish headline.
The Sun says Britney has had a “RIPPING TIME”, it too using a pun to suggest news that on closer inspection seems to have been omitted from the article. Perhaps it was lost in the general excitement?
It is left to the Star to explain further. In “CLICK ME BABY ONE MORE TIME”, readers see 13 pictures of Britney – a number which is said to be lucky for Mr Ghalib, whose company seeks to sell the snaps of his muse.
One image is of Britney picking up a pregnancy test kit. Ghalib’s agency snaps the tableau. The picture is then offered to newspapers for £250,000. No takers. So the price falls to £2,000, as the Star claims.
Britney will have to try harder. She will have to do something she has yet to do; something that will both shock and amaze. Can she play the spoons? Over to you, Mr Ghalib..
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Gordon Ramsay’s F-Plan Diet
GORDON Ramsay, the panicky TV chef, is on the telly tonight, “cooking live for the first time”.
The opposite of live is, naturally, dead. But Ramsay’s raison d’etre is not only to be reborn but to be reborn without the swearing.
The Star says Ramsay has been told “SHUT THE F-WORD UP, GORD!”
It used to be enough for TV chefs just to cook something, now they are on crusades, telling us what to cook, where to buy it and how to eat it. Cooking, shopping and growing times should all be 25 minutes, with a break for the adverts.
Ramsay’s crusade is to part of anti-swearing campaign, showing the sweary British nation that it is not too late to change…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Tabloid Bingo At Heathrow Airport, With Gordon Brown
A PLANE crashes at Heathrow Airport. And another game of TABLOID BINGO!
It was “just 20 SECONDS from disaster”, says the Mail. The Express sees 136 passengers on board the Boeing 777.
The Mirror says “only 19” people were hurt. All “152” saved, says the Sun.
We were “25 FT FROM DISASTER,” says the Mirror.
Well, not us, rather Gordon Brown who was being driving around Heathrow Airport when the plane zoomed over, just 25 ft over Mr No.10’s head.
BINGO!
He survived.
Eyes down…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Kate Moss Puts In The Hours
KATE Moss would surely appreciate the Mirror’s commitment to a thinner and leaner paper.
Kate Moss is 34, which may be a number suggestive of how many pages the paper should give over to her birthday party.
Interestingly, the party, as the Mail says, went on for 34 hours.
Should Moss reach her full tally of three score years and ten, she will need to be up for almost three days. Happily, the elderly often find it hard to sleep, and she may well pull it off.
“She even did Madonna’s Vogue dance and tried Dj-ing,” a guest tells us. Says Naomi Campbell: “We’re getting old.”
And tired…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Princess Of Tides: Streisand At Diana’s Mousetrap
THE Princess Diana Inquest is vying with the Mousetrap to be the longest running show in town.
“It’s the cleverest murder mystery of the British theatre!” – Telegraph
“A truly entertaining classic thriller” – Sunday Times
“A fuggin’ murderous Royal night out” – Daily Express
Whodunnit? Was it the copper, Sergeant Trotter, played in the Express by Paul Condon, the former Metropolitan police commissioner, Britain’s top copper at the time of Diana’s death?
Michael Mansfield, QC for Mohammed Al Fayed, puts it to Mr Condon that he was up to no good. He puts it to Mr Condon that he was part of a “criminal conspiracy”.
Condon says that is a “blatant lie”. And: “But I find the suggestion, even though I respect your right to raise it, as totally abhorrent, offensive, and would actually mean that I am a murderer or, in essence, part of a murderous conspiracy”.
The audience gasps. A body stirs. “I’m mad and my husband agrees,” says Diana, who could be dressed in a Newcastle United replica kit with “I’m mad me,” inked on the back.
“He wants me treated in a home.”
A Ms Barbra Streisand listens. She is in conversation with Diana in 1992 at the film premier of the film the . The comments were overheard by Diana’s “interior designer pal” Roberto Devorik.
Says Devorik: “It’s my belief the man she loved until she closed her eyes was the Prince of Wales.”
Intermission…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Jordan’s Horse Flesh Surprise
JORDAN, Katie Price once stood as an MP. Now Jordan is speaking to the Sun about Jamie Gray, the owner of Spindles farm where horses were being battery farmed for export to France.
Says Jordan: “Hopefully the horses will not have suffered in vain and this will be a wake-up call to the Government to put regulations in place and vet people before they are allowed to own animals, let alone a whole farm.”
Jamie Oliver has his crusade for chickens. Will Jordan now be the celebrity face of free range horses?
“I treat my horses like royalty and that’s what they deserve. I’ve got 30 acres of land and would love to adopt all of the surviving horses from Spindles Farm. As soon as I get back home, I’ll be contacting the RSPCA to see how I can help out and I urge others to do the same.”
Recipes for horse dishes to the usual addresses, and also any tips on how to strangle them and prepare them for table in a humane manner…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Amanda Holden’s Not So Silent Witness
SAYS Amanda Holden: “Can I just say, when they said I found a dead body, they said I was 39. I’m 36. I was more traumatised by the fact they got my age wrong than the fact I’d found a stiff.”
Adding: “Obviously, somone did lose their loved one and I don’t mean to be flippant. But I did say, ‘Oh, I could take over from Amanda Burton in Silent Witness now’, because I wasn’t fazed by it, purely because I didn’t think it was real.”
Comforting for the family of the deceased to know that the man died not in vain, leaving behind a legacy of a half decent anecdote and a job opportunity for Ms Holden…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Lily Allen’s Private Moments
“LILY LOSES BABY,” announces the Sun’s front-page headline. “Star and lover in shock after tragedy.”
Lily Allen was pregnant and now she is not. This is front-page news. It is “Lily’s tot anguish”. Lily and her boyfriend are “heartbroken”.
Says Lily’s spokesperson: “She and Ed Simmons will be making no further comments and we ask that their privacy be respected during this difficult time.”
The Sun hears you. If you want to see celebrities in pain and maybe even hospitalised tune into Dancing On Ice. This is real life. Look away.
The Sun repeats the statement in full. Privacy for “distraught” Lily is all…
Posted: 18th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Big Brother Is Wathing The Sun
TO the House of Lords Communications Committee in the company of the Independent.
Rebekah Wade, the Sun’s editor, the Ginger Ninga, is giving evidence in the matter of media ownerships. Her boss is Rupert Murdoch.
Says Wade: “He can’t understand why I devote so many pages to Big Brother.”
Looking in today’s paper, we can find no mention of Big Brother, aside from a line on the satellite TV listings page.
No coincidence, surely..?
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Pupils Watch Teacher In ‘Dirty’ Video
“TEACHER’S video returns to haunt her,” says the Mail. Miss Sarah Green is being seduced by a builder.
The Mail has a picture. Readers clack their marmalade–coated tongues. Clack! Action! “It’s gonna get dirty,” says the slogan. “Hardcore – A Dirty Movie.”
Says a parent at Stockport Grammar School: “It is absolutely morally awful.” Did you see it? Says another: “It is possibly not suitably for this person to be teaching young, impressionable students.” Best look at it, for research purposes.
“MISS GIVES KIDS WEB SEX LESSON,” says the Star.
“KIDS SEE MISS In ‘SEX FILM WITH BUILDER’,” announces the Sun.
“It’s tongue-in-cheek,” says the video producers.
You can see the film after the jump…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
Robbie Williams Paves Way to China’s Special Olympics
NEWS in the Mirror that the Chinese are using unsold copies of Robbie Williams’ Rudebox album to resurface roads.
How they are doing this is not enlarged upon. A look at the CD cover reveals Williams in supine mode, a belligerent expression on his face.
Readers may imagine millions of Chinese walking to the sweat shop on mirrored roads.
The workers look down and see Williams looking up their skirts and trousers legs.
There are millions of Chinese picking up inlay cards and learning Williams English.
“Ok then back to baseheads dance like you just won at the special Olympics,” says one in his language class.
“I got the rudebox of the back of a spaceship, so sick I just had to take it,” says another as he makes ready to welcome dignatories for Beijing 2008….
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Dancing On Ice Needs You
THE Sun says the Dancing On Ice pro-celebrity skating show is “searching for the best “NON-CELEBRITY” skater.
Readers may care to know that Chris Fountain is illegible on account of his being billed as a “celebrity”. So too is Michael Underwood, who fills the pro-celebrity dancing slot reserved for “GMTV Presenter”.
TV executives will be looking beyond the GMTV sofa to find a yet-to-be celebrated ice skating talent who will then perform in the season finale.
With any luck the country’s best non-celebrity ice skater will get to have the full celeb experience and be belittled by the talent show’s obligatory unpleasant judge, in this instance Jason Gardener, who seems to be suffering from some kind of fungal face infection (get the insults in first, kids).
We will watch avidly, as will the British Winter Olympic committee who are always on the look out for talent and amateur sportspersons comfortable in shrink-to-fit lycra…
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Kelvin Mackenzie Samples Rhydian Roberts’ Sex On The Beach
SAYS Kevin Mackenzie in the Sun: “My picture shows the Welsh warbler Rhydian Roberts on a beach in Mexico recovering from the rigours of finishing second in X Factor.”
We too have seen the picture.
Mackenzie goes on: “But who is that woman with him? It can’t be his girlfriend as he is a devout Christian and doesn’t believe in sex before marriage.”
We look again at the snap. While no experts in sex and all forms of coitus, we were forced to consult with Old Mr Anorak’s nurse. Together we are pretty certain that Rhydian and the woman are NOT having intercourse on a Mexican beach.
Mr Roberts remains an unsullied Christian, and the woman remains his aunt…
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Amy Winehouse Can Get Covered Like Britney Spears
AN internal memo in the Associated Press offices goes: “Now and for the foreseeable future, virtually everything involving Britney is a big deal.”
Frank Baker, the Los Angeles assistant bureau chief, wrote on Tuesday morning, three days after Ms. Spears was released from the hospital where she had been admitted in the wake of a custody dispute.
In the memo, Mr. Baker says “we want to pay attention to what others are reporting and seek to confirm those stories that WE feel warrant the wire… And when we determine that we’ll write something, we must expedite it.”
An insight into the media. And news in the Express that Amy Winehouse is getting a new tattoo on an “Indian feather” on her shoudlers. More on that as it reaches us via the newswires…
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Pete Doherty’s Training Bra
PETE Doherty is a front runner for the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year title.
And he’s wearing a bra. So says the Star, which sees Doherty training for the London Marathon, and preventing “unspeakable jogger’s nipple” buy wearing “padded chesticle hammocks”.
To the Anorak’s mind if there is one thing more boring than a drug addict it is a reformed drug addict partaking in overtly healthy pursuits.
Just as no-one likes skinny Conservative Party leaders, people are wary of pop stars who seek to live a cleaner and less toxic life.
Even Cliff Richard produces his own wine…
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Britney Spears Is Shameless Trailer Trash
IN parts of Melton Mowbray you can go an entire day without seeing someone who looks like Britney Spears.
And for them the Mirror produces a picture of Spears and another of Frank Gallagher, a fictional TV character from the show Shameless.
The paper labels her “trailer park trash”, the US equivalent of “chav-scum”. The Mirror labels an entire group of people as “trash” to make its point.
Classy…
Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
