Tabloids | Anorak - Part 256

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Sophie’s Choice

‘COLD feet before a marriage is nothing unusual, and if one is about to marry into royalty there must be even more cause for nerves. Certainly no-one would blame Sophie Rhys-Jones for having second thoughts before her wedding.

”Regrets? I’ve had a few…”

”Royal bride jitters” announces the Star, below a picture of Sophie’s face, apparently taken after seeing Edward in socks and sandals, or something equally disagreeable.

Sophie admits that she nearly backed out of the marriage in a new documentary from – surprise, surprise – Edward’s TV company Ardent.

We are not told the reason for her sudden wavering, but would it be cynical to suggest that it may have coincided with her first glimpse of the Ardent accounts?

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Do The Maths

”’WHAT’S THE POINT OF EXAM IF YOU CAN’T FAIL?” asks the Sun with masterful rhetoric, but a shaky grasp of grammar.

Even with the aid of a calculator, the task proved difficult

”Fury as 94 per cent pass A-levels,” it continues, reflecting the fears of many others concerning the dumbing-down of our education system.

For as pass rates continue to rise, the content of exams is becoming narrower and easier, and pupils are increasingly shying away from ”difficult” subjects like maths. Which brings us back to that headline.

And a prospective exam question: If you have an exam that ”you can’t fail”, but only 94 per cent manage to pass it, does this mean that your use of English is to blame, or you maths – or both?


Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Sex Drive

‘THEY say men can’t do two things at once, but this story from Canada proves it’s a myth.

Police in Ontario were reportedly ”astonished” to discover that a car they stopped near the town of Barrie was being driven by a man having sex with his girlfriend.

”Both occupants of the vehicle were engaged in activities other than that normally expected of persons driving an automobile,” Senior Constable Norm Galestzoski told the Toronto Star. ”The female passenger was completely nude and the male driver was also in a state of undress.”

The 31-year-old man and 25-year-old woman were both charged, and reminded that such activities were best performed in the privacy of their own home. ‘

Posted: 15th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

A Toast To The King

‘NOTHING could bring Elvis back from the dead, especially as he’s actually alive and well and working in a KFC outlet in Norwich. But, in the lead up to the 25th anniversary on Friday of his so-called death, the tabloids are filling their pages with tributes to the Burger King, and none more so than the Star, where this week has been declared ”Elvis week”.

The bit of Elvis that never tanned

To mark this special occasion, the paper publishes an article headlined: ”The King is toast – it’s Edible Presley in bread role.” ”The King has been immortalised in a 12-foot high portrait made from 4,000 slices of toast,” it informs us.

Observers may be disappointed to note that artist Maurice Bennett did not create the work with some of Elvis’s favourite sandwich toppings, such as peanut butter and bacon or strawberry jam and lard, but rather used a huge oven to toast up to 90 slices of bread at a time, grilling the bread to different shades – ”ranging from burnt for Elvis’s hair to lightly warmed for his skin”.

Not surprisingly, the idea ”came four years ago while Maurice was out drinking with friends”. It’s a grand tribute to the rock’n’roll legend, but it’s just as well that he’s not here to see it – nobody would want to see Maurice’s masterpiece reduced to a pile of crumbs.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Young Man

‘WILL Young may be big, but he’ll never be as big as Elvis – not unless he has McDonald’s set up a restaurant in his living room. But still, the Pop Idol is discovering that there are some drawbacks to being rich and famous.

”Pop fans soon forget you,” warns Sonia

The Star writes that Will ”is the latest to complain that success has ruined his sex life”. ”The posh lad with the big smile insists he can’t find Mr Right after winning the ITV1 show,” says a sympathetic Star.

”His admission that he was gay failed to dent his popularity and he’s on the way to becoming a millionaire. But despite the attraction of his sizeable wad, Will – who scored hits with Evergreen and Light My Fire – can’t even find anyone to stoke his embers.”

So if there are any blokes out there with red-hot pokers and a bit of free time on their hands, Will is waiting for your call. ‘

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Kat Creamed

‘DOCTOR Truman must be suffering from severe sleep deprivation caused by Zoe’s disappearance as next week he sleeps with her mother, Kat, ”by mistake”. Regular viewers will of course recall that Anthony had a relationship with Kat some months earlier (it qualifies as a relationship in Kat’s book as she actually knew his name) before switching his attentions to her daughter.

It’s unlikely that the ”mistake” excuse will wash with either Kat or Zoe. For a start, the pair look nothing like each other. In fact Kat looks like she’s eaten Zoe and is storing her remains down the back of leopard skin mini skirt. But Zoe is still missing and there’s a rumour that she won’t be coming back, so maybe Kat really has disposed of her daughter to get her claws back into the not-so-good doctor.

There’s another shock in store for the Truman family, when Paul discovers that Patrick isn’t his father after all, it’s another, entirely different racially stereotyped West Indian bloke called Milton. Milton and his daughter Rebecca came to The Square for Anthony’s wedding, and it wasn’t long before Paul put the move on the lovely Rebecca.

Worried that a Brookside incest storyline was developing, producers did the right thing and had Milton tell Paul the truth. Paul was obviously devastated. Not because he’s losing Patrick as a father but because he had to turn down a definite romp.

And speaking of sure things, Janine has finally ventured out of the house. Well, anything was preferable to being in a locked room with her brother, Ricky Butcher. Ricky has come back to help Janine with her social problems, which is the biggest case of the blind leading the blind I think I’ve ever heard.

Ricky got the wrong end of the stick (hard to believe isn’t it?) and thought that it was Billy who’d introduced Janine to cocaine abuse and prostitution. He vowed to ”sort him” (squash him to death between his man breasts probably), and somehow Janine managed to find the strength to leave the house to warn Billy.

And like all physical and mental health problems in Walford, her agoraphobia cleared up within the space of two episodes. Lourdes has nothing on the healing powers of Albert Square. ‘

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Waking The Dead

‘PARENTS are forever complaining that teenagers play their music loud enough to wake the dead, but for one family, at least, it’s worked in their favour.

”Got anyting by The Smiths?”

”Rap star Eminem has brought a teenager who ‘died’ five times out of a coma,” reports the Star. ”He sent Claire Derbyshire, 17, a bandana, CDs, signed pictures of himself and a limited edition doll to help her recovery.”

The paper writes that relatives played the works of Marshall Mathers to Claire as she lay in her hospital bed, close to death after catching meningitis. Clearly desperate, they also played the music of other chart-toppers, such as Atomic Kitten, Destiny’s Child, Blue and A1 in a bid to aid the Manchester girl’s recovery.

But it was the rapper’s soothing and life-affirming lyrics that struck a chord deep in her subconscious, and her family ”were amazed when the songs miraculously stirred her back to life”.

”Her eyes lit up and she was overcome, especially when she received the gifts from Eminem,” says her aunt, Julie Widall, who had spent days on the phone persuading the stars to help. ”It was the first time in 17 weeks that she was awake. It was just unbelievable.”

Even though Claire only emerged from her coma to scream at her relatives to turn that crap off, the prognosis is now good and doctors are optimistic about her chances of a full recovery.

Posted: 14th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Moon In June – And July, And August…

”’NOBODY parties like the British,” announces the Star in its influential editorial column. ”On holiday we have a fierce reputation as hell-raisers.” Quite so.

We’re still fighting them on the beaches

But what has prompted this proud and defiant announcement? The answer lies on page 23 of the same paper, in a story entitled ”SHAME OF BRIT YOB TOURISTS”.

It explains that a new ITV programme, ”Tourists From Hell” will reveal precisely how we earned our reputation for ”hell-raising”. In other words, yet more footage of drinking, mooning, puking, and all the other things which endear us to the rest of the world.

”It’s not pleasant viewing,” admits a ”source” at Granada TV. ”Most people will be ashamed to be British.”

Not the Star, though. ”Yes, there is a line that a few louts do cross,” it admits, ”but 99.9 per cent of Brit tourists are good, hard working folk innocently letting off a bit of steam. Strange how these same people who call us unwelcome visitors build more hotels, bars and clubs to attract our hard-earned dollar. They should put up or shut up.”

Indeed. And if they don’t, the Star will send its boys round to drink, puke and moon until they do.

Posted: 12th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Wedding Belles

‘THANKS to its one-child policy, females in China are in short supply. Which could explain a spate of grave robberies in Shaanxi province.

The Straits Times reports that a Chinese crime syndicate has allegedly been digging up female corpses to sell to relatives of dead single men. The residents of Jingbian county believe that their dead relatives need ”wives” to help them settle down – and possibly do their cooking, cleaning and laundry – in the spirit world.

Police say members of a gang have been digging up five corpses a night from cemeteries in the province. But brides don’t come cheap, even when they’re dead – the syndicate charged up to £2,300 for the corpses.

Posted: 12th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Crocodile Tears

‘THERE is a horrible air of inevitability about the hunt for missing ten-year-olds, Holly Evans and Jessica Chapman. As every hour passes, the chances of their being found alive diminish and the feeling of dread grows.

Accountants at the Express hedge their bets

In these circumstances, we should perhaps welcome any step that might help secure their return, but there is something grotesque about the way the tabloids are trying to outdo each other in their support for the girls.

Yesterday, the Express trumpeted its caring credentials by offering a million pound reward for information leading to the girls’ return. And this morning it is giving itself a massive pat on the back with a truly obscene bit of self-promotion.

Under pictures of the grieving parents, it tells how they ”broke down yesterday as they thanked the Daily Express for the ‘extraordinary’ offer”. We would humbly suggest that maybe they broke down because their beloved daughters are missing.

But the paper is far too busy trumpeting ”the massive bounty – the biggest in British newspaper history” to worry about such details. For all the world, they could be talking about a new lottery game, not the probable abduction of two ten-year-old friends. And does one have to be so cynical to think that the paper has done its calculations and can parade its generosity in the fairly certain knowledge that it won’t have to pay up?

The Sun is never one to pass up a chance of blowing its own trumpet, but it at least has the decency to do so on Page 5 and then only in a sidebar. Or could that just be the embarrassment at seeing their £150,000 bounty trounced by a rival paper..?

Posted: 9th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

It’s A Dung Deal

‘ALL out of cow dung? Got a heap of dung, but it smells bad? Then we’ve got the product for you.

An Indian dairy firm has started marketing instant Holy Cow Dung to help urban Hindus perform their rituals properly.

Agri Gold, based in Andhra Pradesh, collects fresh dung from its dairies before processing and packaging it and selling it in cities, where cows are scarce.

The manure is mixed with camphor, turmeric and sandalwood paste to improve the smell, making it easier for Hindus to perform their traditional ritual of sanctifying places of worship by sprinkling them with a mixture of cow dung and water.

The company chairman, Mr V R Rao, told the Deccan Chronicle the new product had been an instant hit. ‘

Posted: 7th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Sydney Or The Bush

‘IT might be wetter than Prince Edward in a bath but the tourists are flocking to these sun-missed shores.

Nova Scotia by night

After last year’s summer season when travellers were scared away by terror flights and foot and mouth, the Mail brings news that ”the number of immigrants entering Britain has reached a record 250,000 a year”.

The findings by independent ”think-tank” MigrationWatch UK also spell great news for property owners in the South-East, as two out of three new arrivals say that’s where they want to live. Great stuff, you must agree.

But while the eyes across the waters marvel at these islands, Britishers still want to go abroad. And more fool Emma Nunn and Raoul Sebastian for spurning the obvious delights of Skegness for Sydney.

The Express brings news of the couple (from sunny Sidcup and charming Charlton respectively) as they touch down for the dream holiday in Sydney – Sydney, Canada.

And it was only when they saw the geese and the lack of scorched skin and tinnies that Emma and Raoul knew that they had strayed.

”The customs men said it was an unusual route to Sydney,” says Emma, ”but we thought we were going the long way because we’d booked the flights late.”

And then they landed in Canada. ”Where are we?” asked Raoul. ”Sydney, Nova Scotia,” replied the stewardess aboard the Air Canada flight.

Disappointing stuff for the would-be Australia-bound pair, but in true British Bulldog spirit the duo made the best of it.

”Let’s make the best of what we’ve got around us,” said Emma, in words that are a message to us all.

So from now on let’s all decide to stay at home, and give those new arrivals a friendly welcome.

Posted: 5th, August 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Comic Strip

‘AFTER witnessing their demure, ladylike behaviour on our television screens over the past couple of months, the photographs of the Big Brother gals in today’s Sun come as something of a shock.

”Oi, Derek. Someone’s nicked our keks.”

The paper reckons they’re ”the most amazing Big Bruv pictures you will ever see!”

Does tubby Alison devour her fellow housemates in the order in which they were evicted? Does Jade keep her clothes on?

Britain’s most famous porker, sadly, is not in attendance (of which more later), so it’s left to the victorious Kate Lawler to supply the bulk of amazing pictures.

According to the Sun, Kate ”squeezed a male stripper’s manhood and bit his bum as she went wild at a raunchy party”.

Under the headline ”Kate fondles stripper Dick”, it goes on to reveal that she also ”dug her nails into Dreamboys hunk Richard Kane and scraped them down his back, leaving long red scratch marks”.

”She was like a wild animal,” whimpers the mutilated Richard, who was performing at a London bash thrown by Big Brother producers to drag out the tabloid coverage – er, celebrate the end of the series.

Richard says Kate, Alison and Sophie also ”smothered him and his Dreamboy mates in baby oil” as they prepared for the show.

”The girls went absolutely mental,” confirms Dreamboys co-manager Laurel Goodman. ”They were all over them.”

And after being cooped for so long with no male company but a puerile Geordie, an androgynous Essex whinger and a closet ginger who spent more time in front of the mirror than the other 13 housemates combined, can you really blame them?

Posted: 31st, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Jailhouse Rocked

‘SUN readers will be relieved that Jade missed the strippers’ wild party – as PJ will no doubt agree, she has molested enough helpless males already.

Punters reported seeing a whale in the Cam

But unfortunately, they cannot escape the porcine one altogether. ”Jade Goody was given a geography lesson yesterday when the Sun took her on a guided tour of the place she called ‘East Angular’,” writes the paper.

”Locals in Cambridge – which she had reckoned was in London – clapped and cheered as she climbed aboard a punt for a tour of the city’s scenic waterway.”

The girl evidently has an unorthodox punting technique, claiming ”it was really scary and I was worried I might get stuck up the pole”.

”I really enjoyed going ponting – I mean, punting,” she says, posing for the first and last time in her life in a gown and mortarboard.

There was also plenty of clapping and cheering for Jade in Bedford jail, where her father Andrew Goody is serving four years for robbery and theft.

He tells the Star of his heartbreak at ”the cruel jibes and abuse” he suffered when the other inmates were glued to Jade’s antics.

”When she was with PJ, every cell door in the jail was banging in time and I wanted to hide and lash out,” he recalls with a shudder. ”It was twice the noise they made when England scored in the World Cup.”

But of course – it’s so much easier for an England footballer to score than it is for a girl like Jade.

Posted: 31st, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Les Be Friends

‘WHEN, earlier this week, Alan Duncan became the first Tory MP to openly declare he was gay, nobody was prepared for the impact it would have on British society.

Les Battersby never looked like this

And the shock waves have reached all the way to Coronation Street, where the characters are set to follow Alan’s example.

”Corrie fans are in for a big shock – when bruiser Les Battersby comes out as gay,” reports the Star.

”Loutish Les will tell the whole of Weatherfield he’s enjoying a homosexual relationship with dopey lodger Kirk Sutherland. The ‘couple’ decorate their terraced home in Coronation Street with pastel shades and vases of pretty flowers as Village People CDs blast from the speakers.”

It’s not the first gay storyline to hit Soapland, but the prospect of seeing actors Bruce Jones and Andrew Whyment play tonsil hockey is not nearly as palatable as, say, watching Anna Friel snogging Nicola Stephenson in Brookside.

But before Corrie’s ratings start to plummet, viewers should know that Les is not really ”a batty boy”, as the paper’s headline suggests.

”Les’s gay antics are all part of a desperate scam to escape being evicted,” the Star assures us.

And when you consider the lengths that some of the Big Brother housemates went to in order to avoid eviction – stripping naked on the sofa, enjoying naked romps in the hot tub, mooning the hidden cameras – viewers can consider themselves lucky that Les at least keeps his clothes on.

Posted: 31st, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Tub Thumping

‘SHE was wrinkled before she went in, but you should have seen her when she came out. Lillian Harkendorff, 82, of Falls City, Nebraska, spent more than four days in her bath before being rescued.

The widow was recovering from a broken shoulder, and after running her bath discovered that she was too weak to pull herself out of the tub.

”I yelled and hollered, but nobody heard me,” Mrs Harkendorff told the Omaha World-Herald.

She kept warm by running hot water into the bath and wrapping herself in towels and a bath mat. She was eventually rescued after a worried friend called round to her house. ‘

Posted: 31st, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Kiss Me, Kate

‘IT’S just what you need after two months cooped up inside a house with a dozen strangers – to get to marry Ian Beale. But that’s the prospect facing Big Brother 3 winner Kate Lawler, with the Star reporting this morning that the 22-year-old is being lined up for a part in EastEnders.

Ian didn’t react well when Kate called him ”Spanky”

”BBC chiefs,” the paper assures us, ”have been bowled over by her uncanny resemblance to soap favourite Tamzin Outhwaite”. Uncanny indeed – put pictures of the pair side by side (as the paper does), and you will be struck by how both women have blonde hair and are, er, female.

But this is qualification enough to become the ”new blonde bombshell” in Albert Square – and have Ian Beale (currently watching his third marriage disintegrate after he slept with a prostitute) licking his lips in anticipation.

The casting director need not stop there, however. Kate’s former housemate Jade has already revealed how she dreamed of becoming hooker Janine’s sister on the show – and that could really spice things up in E20.

The porcine one (no, not Letitia Dean) yesterday threatened to move down a few weight divisions and chin rival Kate, accusing her of using flirting tactics to win the show.

Shame! Shame! Anyone who would stoop so low as to strip off in front of her fellow housemates (and millions of TV viewers) and perform a sex act (which sounds very much akin to its recipient, PJ) should have been thrown out of the house immediately.

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

No Sex, Please

‘IT is men like Ian Beale and PJ who give Englishmen a bad name.

The only Englishman to pass Leah’s stringent testing

And women like Leah McLaren, an ”acknowledged Canadian beauty” who this morning complains to the Mail about how Englishmen are such hopeless lovers.

Not hopeless in bed (although they no doubt are), but hopeless at getting girls there in the first place. Or so says Leah, who has been on 12 ”promising” dates and doesn’t have a shag to show for it.

But one woman’s ”promising” is the rest of the world’s ”wouldn’t touch him with a bargepole” – as evidenced by Leah’s first date.

”Nigel, let’s call him, seemed promising,” she writes (although one wonders how anyone called Nigel – even to protect his true identity – can be so considered).

”We were seated beside each other at a dinner party thrown by mutual friends and he entertained me with stories of boarding school (he went to Eton, which I found kooky if clichéd) and of his parents, who were globe-trotting diplomats.”

An Old Etonian stockbroker called Nigel, who was abandoned by his mother to be brought up by someone he called Auntie (although she clearly wasn’t his aunt) – it’s amazing the date didn’t go off swimmingly…

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

From Vice To Spice

‘JAMIE Theakston is not exactly the best advert for British men after his recent and well-publicised visit to a Mayfair brothel.

Baby changed her image after spending a few days with Jamie

But there is barely a whip or a thigh-high PVC boot to be seen on the front page of this morning’s Sun, which spots the TV presenter ”sharing a tender clinch” with Emma Bunton.

Of course, this gives the paper the perfect excuse to use its ”From Vice Girl To Spice Girl…” headline, although in truth none of the ”amazing” pictures show the couple doing any more than hugging.

But a hug is the most the majority of Englishmen can manage before they run off, dress up in a nappy and beg you to feed them Cow & Gate while administering a good spanking.

It is certainly good enough for the Sun’s Dominic Mohan, who claims they were caught ”behaving like a pair of illicit lovers”. Telling tales of boarding school, regaling each other with stories of their parents…

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Bottom Line

”’I DON’T get a thrill from reading buttocks,” said 39-year-old clairvoyant Ulf Buck, of Meldorf, near Hamburg.

Mr Buck, who has been blind since the age of three, has made a name for himself by offering an unusual service – namely, predicting the future by feeling people’s bottoms.

In Mr Buck’s expert opinion, the buttocks are more ”intense” than the hand. The unadorned cheeks, it transpires, provide detailed information about personality, future wealth, happiness and health.

Fortune-tellers often receive a bad press. But rest assured, there is nothing sinister about Buck. ”I am happily married,” he insists.’

Posted: 30th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Bonkers As Conkers

”’WHAT’S Forbidden,” reads the headline above a list that will strike fear into the hearts of traditionalists everywhere.

With marbles banned, the kids had to use rocks of crack instead

”The following pastimes have been banned in some British schools,” announces the Mail, above a list that includes handstands, making daisy chains, playing in bushes, crabby (”moving around on all fours”), conkers, playing with leaves, marbles and hide-and-seek.

Of course, if these pastimes have indeed been banned then that is to be deplored.

But – with the obvious exception of the Big Brother house, where hide-and-seek still rules – is there anywhere in Britain where anyone would want to do any of the above things?

Even in the most time-warped Daily Mail household it is hard to imagine Dad tapping his pipe sharply on the heel of his shoe and saying: ”Listen up, kids! Let’s have a game of crabby!”

And if he did, we doubt that the response would be an enthusiastic, ”Yes, let’s!”

And as for making daisy chains, well, wasn’t it precisely that sort of thing that led to Quentin Crisp and his sort grasping the reins of power in the 1960s?

Sometimes, it seems, progress can be for the better. Now, please excuse us, it’s time to download a new S Club ring-tone…

Posted: 29th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Vanity Mirrored

‘IT doesn’t pay to be as vain as a peacock, even if you are one. Officials at Fredriksberg Park in Copenhagen have had to get rid of most of the park’s peacocks after they caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to parked cars.

The birds have been attacking their own reflections in new or newly-washed cars, leading bird lovers to call for motorists to stop polishing their vehicles.

‘The birds see their reflection in the cars and think it’s a rival male so they attack it with their claws and beaks,’ head gardener Soren Selch told the Expressen newspaper.

Of the park’s original population of 15 birds, all but four have been put down or moved to the island of Zealand. ‘

Posted: 29th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Too Much Of A Goody Thing?

‘WHEN it comes to Big Brother, the phrase ”Too much of a good thing” clearly doesn’t apply.

”The boob jobs are on me!”

For the Mirror – the anti-Big Brother paper, let us remind you – this simply means that they gave us ever-increasing servings of a bad thing.

For the Star, the Sun and the Express, it meant competing with each other for every tit-bit, no matter how small, stale or unappetising.

And although BB3 finished on Friday, everyone has an interest in keeping it going as long at possible.

So along with the weekend tabloid revelations, we have also had Channel 4’s own post-mortems, culminating in the truly bizarre Little Brother awards ceremony in the BB house, which had the production values of a primary school prize-giving, with none of the gravitas (or the achievement). Best falling-over, best snog, best fart… Oh dear!

Now that housemates are out, the tabloids are getting stuck into the meaty character profiles, and Jade is the clear winner.

”You’re a diamond and I’m gonna buy you bigger boobs,” announces the Star.

But this is not an expression of gratitude by the editor for the Bermondsey battler’s services to circulation figures. It is a quote from Jade’s own mouth.

She was straight on the blower to her flat-chested pal Clem Green, offering her the money for the breast-enhancement surgery upon which she had set her heart.

Jade may be all heart when it comes to her mates, but she calls a spade a spade, and the paper is desperately bigging up her rivalry with winner Kate. That’ll shift a few papers over the coming weeks, with a bit of luck and a lot of stirring.

But Johnny Depp is the person who should really worry. ”I don’t sleep around but I’d bonk Johnny,” she tells the Sun, in response to the sensitive actor’s dismay at Jade’s hounding by the press.

Leave it, Jade: you’d crush the poor man to death with a single flick of those hips…

Posted: 29th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Writer’s Block

‘ONE man who has also tasted freedom for the first time in a long while is Lord Archer, who is pictured arm in arm with his fragrant wife Mary while on a day release from North Sea Camp prison.

Archer got four years; his writings got life

This was his first day release, and will have cheered him up after the failure of his appeal last week – although the Mail reports that he didn’t expect to succeed, and was simply trying his luck.

However, he is cheered up by the news that his wife has been given a new job, as chairman of the Addenbroke’s hospital in Cambridge.

And everyone else will be pleased that such an important post has gone to a woman whose probity and judgement has always been beyond doubt – never more so than when trouble-makers have tried to implicate her in business scandals and other disreputable affairs.

The Mail says that Mary is still angry about what she considers to be the unfair treatment meted out to her husband, and her brother David agrees, saying that they have ”thrown everything at Jeffrey”.

Unfortunately, they have also thrown a supply of paper and pens in Archer’s direction, and his cell contains four cardboard folders of his prison writings.

”Four separate books, perhaps?” suggests the Mail. ”Or four chapters of one book?” Just the one, we suspect, as Archer will soon find that his days are filled with other things.

”The prison authorities will have been casting around for work outside the prison grounds for Archer,” the paper reveals.

But prison is also meant to improve as well as punish, we are reminded. In which case, his forthcoming opus should be well worth the wait.

Posted: 29th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Dyke A L’orange

‘YESTERDAY Jade ate her whole fist. In fact, yesterday Jade managed to eat herself. Which is more than pop did.

The identity of the waitress was kept secret for her own safety

But follow the van to the front page of the Sun and we find that lesbians have been engaged in a sex scandal at Chequers – or, as the headline has it, ‘LESBIANS SEX SCANDAL AT CHEQUERS’.

More specifically, ‘a Blair chef’ (one of the half dozen special forces gastronomes retained by No.10 Downing Street to be parachuted into France in case of all-out war) groped a Wren waitress.

Our beloved Prime Minister is, we are all not surprised to learn, ‘shocked by claims his head woman chef groped a Wren waitress at a drunken party’.

While Tony was waiting for his seared tuna on a confit of rustic potatoes and a drizzle of rain, it appears that chef Corporal Rose McLaughlin was (according to evidence at a court martial) sticking her hand up a waitress’s skirt and trying to pull her knickers down.

The Sun is naturally horrified by the claims. ‘The scandal,’ it says, ‘has stunned Mr Blair and his wife Cherie. They both appreciated the superb dishes prepared by McLaughlin and her team.’

And so say all of us – as we hope she washed her hands before preparing said dishes. ‘

Posted: 26th, July 2002 | In: Tabloids | Comment