Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 252

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

A Clean Slate

‘BAD news now for those who suppose that when you die your debts die with you.

And the ghost of Doug is still racking up a tab…

The Express brings news of Janis Wing, a drinker at the Little George pub in Wombwell, Yorkshire.

It was the favoured haunt of her late husband, Doug, who, as the legend goes, used to drink up to eight pints in a session. He was, we deduce, a good customer.

And so to the event that sparked the row, as Janis steps up to the bar to collect her £50 top prize in the pub raffle. ”She was close to tears when she won last week’s prize,” gushes the Express, adding to the almost unbearable excitement.

Happy days, then, or not, because when Janis opened her hand to examine her fortune she saw just £2.50. Jon had died owing the pub £47.50, and Janis’ win had been used to wipe his slate clean.

”My late husband’s beer tab has nothing to do with me,” says ”disgusted” Janis.

Which leaves us wondering what else could have driven him to drink?

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Little Mo And A Little Mouse

‘IS it any wonder EastEnders is haemorrhaging viewers when their biggest storyline of the week is Billy’s attempts to catch a mouse?

”The mouse went thatta way…”

Little Mo moved out of the flat, issuing Billy with an ultimatum that she wouldn’t be returning until he disposed of it. There then followed a week of ‘hilarious’ scenes featuring Billy and Paul being outwitted by a mouse (no surprise there, then) as they tried to catch and dispose of it.

Billy finally did what he should have done in the first place and poisoned the mouse but of course, as soon as Little Mo found out, she moved out again. At what point in a scriptwriters’ meeting does a storyline like this seem a good idea?

Other highlights recently include Ricky pretending he’s the next Poet Laureate by passing Gus’ poems off as his own and Alfie hiring a male stripper for the Vic. No wonder Peggy’s jumped ship and moved to Brazil.

New family the Ferreiras moved into Walford this week. In a blatant attempt to address criticisms that Walford is about as representative of the real East End as a Guy Ritchie film, they’ve recruited a new Asian family.

Dad Dan welcomed guests to their housewarming party dressed as Elvis to show that hey! Asians can be whacky too. The Ferreiras are set to have a run-in with the Slaters as it turns out that they too run a clothing stall – I suppose we should be thankful that they’re not running a corner shop.

Martin is finding it difficult to settle back into family life after his stint in prison. After persuading Vicky to take part in the Great Mini Mart Robbery, he’s now managed to lose Derek his job in the garden centre by refusing to go back to work on the stall.

Vicky has taken a leaf out of her uncle’s book and decided to spend the rest of her life on her arse, claiming the world owes her a living.

Sharon has agreed she can stay in England, providing she gets a job. She confided in Spencer that she’s planning on doing so badly in her interview that she’ll never get the job.

I fear her plan may backfire though – she somehow managed to pass the audition for Eastenders.

Posted: 4th, June 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


A Bag Of Fun

‘IT was as if she knew something was missing from the Buckingham Palace grounds.

”Who’s that less fortunate young person?” ”I think that’s Edward, ma’am”

The children were there – 500 of them in the garden to bounce on inflatable castles and ride fairground attractions – but the expression on the Queen’s face as she handled an inflated balloon is one of concern, of memories lost.

It was 50 years to the day yesterday since plain old Liz Windsor was plucked from the ranks and proclaimed Queen. So she threw a garden party to celebrate.

As the Mail says, it was not like the ”largely adult affair” of the 2002 shindig, with all that flag-waving and a rock star on the roof.

This was for what the Mail calls ”less fortunate young”.

And, by turn, the less fortunate young at heart, as the likes of Penelope Keith, Ronnie Barker and June Whitfield ran around the garden screaming.

The Mirror goes on to note that ”shamed TV presenter” Jamie Theakston was also in attendance, summoned to compere a dinner for Her Majesty at Clarence House.

Oh, silly us! It’s not long since her dear old mum passed on to that gin palace in the sky. The venue and the colostomy-shaped balloon are reminders of happier times.

But let’s look forward not back. Here’s to the next 50 years, ma’am, and doing it all again – although no more children…please!

Posted: 3rd, June 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


If The Shoe Fits

‘THE News of the World, the Sun’s sister paper, is ”surprised” and ”perplexed” that the five arrested on suspicion of plotting to kidnap the Beckhams have been cleared of all charges.

A soccer player and his wife

The Express is less shocked, leading with the news that the entire event was a ”sham” cooked up by an informant of dubious record in return for £10,000.

Whatever the truth or otherwise of the story, the Beckhams would be well advised to remain in America, where they can move around with anonymity.

Vicky and Dave’s free and easy lifestyle Stateside is witnessed in the Sun, as the pair went on a shopping trip to a Los Angeles shoe emporium.

Driven to the shop’s door in a plain and unremarkable limo, and in the company of an everyday phalanx of bodyguards, the pair surreptitiously ducked into the store.

Keen to play it low key they asked that the owner give them ”the Hollywood star treatment” and close up so they could shop in secret.

But it was not to be. ”I have no idea who you are,” said the shop owner. ”We get Britney Spears in here all the time and she never asks me to close!”

”We get stars all the time, they just get on with it.”

Yes, but this was Posh and Becks, the couple who don’t want to be recognised.

They just want to go about their business without drawing attention to themselves – and what better way than behind closed doors?

And having maintained such a plea, which the Mail says went on for half an hour, the owner relented and hung a closed sign on the door.

Ten minutes later the pair and their bags sloped out of the store and slid into a waiting car.

Their hunger not be recognised was only spoilt when Dave hit the button that worked the Tannoy on the car’s roof and Posh screamed out: ”Don’t you know who I am?”

Posted: 3rd, June 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Ladies’ Man

‘IT’S a fair bet that the good folk of the US of A don’t have a clue about Darius Danesh.

Darius feels the back of his head starting to melt

At a guess, they might suppose he’s the result of a fumble in the dark between Engelbert Humperdinck and Jacqueline Stallone.

But to help them, and us, know what a big name he is, the singer tells the Star about the dozens of girls he’s bedded on tour.

”I’ve just got off tour so I’ve had many ladies in my life recently,” says Darius – with more than passing nod to Swiss Tony.

”I’ve been a naughty boy, but it’s good to be naughty sometimes.”

Dragging his teeth down a blackboard, he goes on: ”But you’re also got to be good so you can release your dark side every now and again.”

Sounding like a voiceover on an advert for sickly chocolate – perhaps unsurprising for a man with ”melted, chocolate brown eyes”(?) – Darius is keen to be loved.

And if he could just follow Posh and Becks to the States, we would love him all the more.

Posted: 3rd, June 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Obtuse Angle

‘THE influence of television is so great that even farmers in Lincolnshire now talk like market traders in EastEnders, telling sheep to ”Sort it aht” and asking regulars at the village pub ”Who wants it?”

Kyle considered a new back and starting again

But help is on the way to save the next generation from a similar fate. The Mail says that youngsters who watch too much television are to be given lessons in speaking.

It’s a response to a recent Government survey that found that today’s three and four-year-old are less able to speak clearly, understand instructions and recite rhymes than children of the same age five years ago.

And this is important stuff, as the Sun tells us the story of Jane Ribchester who asked for the world ”Angel” to be tattooed on her back in memory of her late brother Mark.

She is now in tears as she peels off her top and reveals the word written in black ink on the small of her back: ”ANGLE.”

To those who have spotted the error, well done. Those who have not can get back to watching Teletubbies and Prime Minister’s Question Time…

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Dear John

‘JOHN Leslie has missed appearing on television so much that he took hold of a video camera and filmed himself.

”And Sanjeev Kumar has agreed to play Raj Persaud…”

The Star reports that over the last eight months – ”the darkest moments during the agonising wait to be cleared of allegations of sexual assault” – Leslie’s been taping himself.

What will become of the Leslie Tapes is yet to be decided upon, but the Star claims that he could make a killing if he wanted to release them.

In the meantime, we can only make an educated guess as to what footage there is. Perhaps Leslie is seated on a chair talking to the camera in the manner of Big Brother.

But our guess is that he hired Vanessa Feltz as a stand-in for his former television colleague Fern Britten and recreated the entire This Morning set in his garage.

Special guests to look out for are Vanessa Feltz, John Leslie and the man who makes Sven Goran Eriksson’s Cuban heels.

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Nul Points

‘VERY few people in history have polled zero per cent of the popular vote. The man who stood against Saddam Hussein springs to mind as do Eurovision’s Jemini.

Next year’s Eurovision entry

But we have a new name to top the list: Prince Edward.

The Mirror has seen the results of an ITV survey to find which Royal the public likes best, and, that’s right, Eddie scored nul points.

That’s bad, but it gets far worse for Eddie when we see that he is less popular than Prince William (who claimed first place with 34% of the vote), Prince Andrew (5%) and Prince Philip (4%).

How ironic it is that the one member of the Royal Family to pursue a populist agenda – theatre, It’s A Knockout, TV productions about granny – should be the least popular.

But the reinvention of Edward has already begun in the Mail, where the paper interviews one of his old flames, the woman who had a ”two-year affair” with the lady-killing prince – all-singing, all-dancing Ruthie Henshall.

The headline says we are set to learn ”the truth about my affair with Edward” but we learn nothing of the kind, hearing little of Eddie and more of Ruthie.

And if you, like the rest of us beyond the Rhys-Jones clan, wonder what kind of woman is attracted to Edward, then take a look at a revealing episode in her life.

Having been asked by her agent to stay in New York and become a star rather than return to Britain and her actor partner, Ruthie tells us what happened at the airport check-in.

”Sobbing I said [to the airline’s supervisor]: ‘I’ve got a dilemma. What would you do? Go up for a role in Law And Order or go home and make babies with your boyfriend.”’

Of course, if that boyfriend were a well-known and none-too-well-loved Prince, 100% of us would choose option one.

Posted: 2nd, June 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Big Apples

‘WHEN David Beckham went to Africa, he got braids in his hair. When Victoria Beckham went to the United States, she got a bigger set of boobs.

”Dad, dad, let us out of here…”

Or so says the Star, which pictures the artist formerly known as Miss Adams on its front page and wonders ”My, how she’s grown…”

Apparently, amazed onlookers in New York were asking: ”Where did you get those boobs?”

To which the answer, as anyone who is anyone in the Big Apple would know, is Mr Bust on the corner of Fifth and 42nd.

But what is Mrs B’s new bust in aid of, you ask – other than giving Mr B something extra to chew on of an evening.

The former Posh Spice and her footballer husband were dining, we hear, with US rap mogul Damon Dash, and it seems we can expect a new direction from our Vicky.

And an insider tells the Star: ”It’s amazing stuff. You’d have no idea it was Posh singing on the tracks. It’s a complete transformation.”

Singing, bigger boobs…not quite complete, but a transformation nevertheless.

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


The Great Redeemer

‘FOR the second time this year, Britain was hotter than Rio yesterday – which means…pictures of girls in bikinis.

Blix finally spots a big weapon in Iraq

”Sun-starved Brits stripped off,” says the Sun, to take advantage of temperatures of 80 degrees C.

Rio De Janeiro, by contrast, only managed a ”paltry” 73 degree C – not bad considering it’s the middle of winter in Brazil.

All this sun has sent our beloved Prime Minister Tony Blair to Iraq, not for his summer holidays, but to say a big thank you to our brave boys in the Gulf.

And no sooner had he arrived than spontaneously a five-year-old boy called Abbas Adnan leapt into the Prime Minister’s arms and gave him a bunch of roses and a kiss on the cheek.

Which the Sun photographer just happened to catch.

And the Mail just happened to hear the children sing ”We love Tony Blair” – from the printed song-sheets handed out only five minutes earlier by Alastair Campbell.

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Slap And Tickle

‘WE love Tony Blair, we love Tony Blair. Sorry, just got back from our fact-finding mission to Iraq to find Britain in the grip of Big Brother fever.

Bigger than Jade

Or Big Brother languor – with the papers all agreeing that this is the most mind-numbingly boring series of the programme ever aired.

To give you an example, the Mirror this morning publishes a story about Anoushka being ”a slapper” – by the girl whom she slapped in a schoolyard fight.

The 20-year-old claims she beat up Laura Robinson because she stole her boyfriend.

But Laura hits back in the Mirror. ”I thought she was pathetic,” she said. ”She’s an embarrassment. She says she wants to send the ratings up by having sex on the show, but at the end of the day that’s prostitution.”

No, it isn’t, Laura. Prostitution is having sex for money. What do they teach youngsters in sex education lessons these days?

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Crime Does Pay

‘SOMEONE’S been watching far too many Guy Ritchie films in the Eastenders scriptwriters’ department. Overnight, Walford seems to have turned into a gangster’s paradise. Suddenly everyone’s sporting black suits, talking about ”jobs going down” and people getting ”hit” in mockney drama school accents.

”I’ll eat you alive”

Dalton (aka 70s sitcom reject Shelly) is apparently the most feared East End gangster since the Krays. But unlike the Krays, rather than beat up their rivals, Dalton has clearly taken to eating his. Cameramen are having to use a lot of wide-angled lenses to get both him and Phil in the same scene.

Phil uncovered Dalton’s dastardly plan to have undercover cop Kate bumped off and unfortunately for us, he decided to save her. Phil stormed into Kate’s house, just as hitman George had his hands around her throat. Oh, for the advent of virtual television.

Phil admitted to Kate that he still loved her and the pair have decided to give their relationship another go. ”You’re my family now,” Mr Potato head wheezed in her ear. ”We’re gonna be togetfer forever”. Which given Phil’s track record with women is about five episodes – before she sleeps with his brother.

The Kat-Alfie storyline is becoming more tedious than a Big Brother episode. We all know that Kat isn’t the smartest kitten in the litter but failing to stop the fact that Alfie wants her to pull more than his pints is frankly ridiculous.

As is the fact that Nana Moon has been cast in some sort of Doctor Ruth role. ”Did you really love Dennis, or was it just good sex?” she asked a startled Kat. Dennis Watts has done his one good deed since moving into the Square by helping Vicki get Gus off the hook for the Mini-Mart robbery. Unfortunately, Sharon now thinks that Dennis was the one responsible and has told him to move out.

”We don’t need any more criminals round here,” she told him. Indeed they don’t. Walford is fast becoming a poor man’s Crimewatch – but with worse acting.

Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Shawly Not

‘SHE was the Corrie stunna who had been engaged to every C-list celeb around – but marriage and a career after soaps have not been kind to Tracy Shaw.

And they lived happily ever after…

The red-tops are shocked to see the ”telly beauty” turn up to open a new Kwik Save store in east London covered from head to toes in bruises.

”The former Coronation Street star, whose marriage has hit the rocks, didn’t even try to disguise the marks on her ribs, arms and legs,” reports a shocked Star.

And one onlooker told the paper: ”I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much bruising on one person.”

The Sun claims that Kwik Save were so disappointed with Tracy’s ”unglamorous” appearance that they considered cutting down her £5,000 fee.

In the end, they relented after her agent Peter Charlesworth explained that she had a viral infection and had also had a serious accident when she collided with scenery in her play, The Blue Room.

But, as the Sun says, ”when a budget supermarket like Kwik Save tells you you’re not looking your best, you know you’ve got problems”.

The paper has sent the 29-year-old a bunch of flowers to cheer her up, but she probably won’t enjoy the description of her in this morning’s edition any more than the pictures.

”In a matter of months, the former Corrie star has gone from top theatre totty to looking a shadow of her old self,” it says.

She appeared ”bruised, puffy-faced and with her beautiful hair in poor condition”, it says, ”wearing grotty shorts and a white vest that had to be clipped back to fit her body”.

But it is not all bad news for Tracy’s many fans – she did give us all a glimpse of her old self by flashing her knickers at the cameras.

Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Tan Trick Sex

‘FOR the past week or so, tabloid hacks have been tapping the office barometer and waiting for the first sign of high pressure.

A singer, a footballer and a soap star – HOUSE!

Because you don’t need to be Sian Lloyd to know that high pressure means sunshine, and you don’t need to be a Hollyoaks actress to know that sunshine means bikinis.

The Sun says yesterday was ”the breast day by far” (geddit?) as the six girls inside the Big Brother house stripped off for a bit of sunbathing.

It also sent a reporter in a cherry picker high above the Big Brother garden to repeat the paper’s offer of £50,000 for the first couple to have sex in the house.

”That’s made my day,” said Sissy. ”That would be amazing to be in the pages of the Sun.” Or maybe not, if you saw the picture of you…

Tania may not have had sex in the house, but she has been doing a fair bit of it outside the house.

The 22-year-old clothes shop assistant has boasted of bedding Peter Andre in 1996 (when by our calculations she would have only been 15 or maybe 16).

She has told of a fling with Another Level sex pest Dane Bowers and West Ham footballer Youssef Sofiane (whom she got engaged to last year, but broke it off a couple of weeks ago).

And she has claimed she bedded former EastEnders star Paul Nicholls, a claim that he denies in this morning’s Mirror.

The actor, who played nutter Joe Wicks in the soap, said: ”We didn’t kiss or anything and it never went any further because she didn’t fancy me.”

You’ll have to do better than that if you want to win the Sun cash, love.

Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Beckham Up-Braided

‘POOR Kenny Jamieson, the teenager who was suspended from school for having his hair braided to look like David Beckham.

Christina Aguilera was the first to copy Becks’ new hairstyle

He will now have to come up with a new style if he is to emulate the England captain, who has got bored of his cornrows almost as soon as having them.

The Star shows the 28-year-old on a shopping trip in New York with his hair pulled back in a ponytail, immediately scuppering various plans to cash in on the midfielder’s fame.

Bosses at Madame Tussaud’s in Hong Kong will have to do some hasty remodelling after unveiling a waxwork of Goldenballs with his arm in plaster and his hair in braids.

And Somerfield have had to shelve plans to produce a 20in loaf, with braids like Becks’ as part of its So Good range.

A Somerfield spokesman said: ”He changes his hairstyle more often than some people change their underpants.”

This is, by our reckoning, Beckham’s fourth hairstyle of the year. If any of you out there are still only onto your third pair of underpants of 2003, shame on you!

Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Too Many Props

‘RUGBY players have an enviable reputation for sobriety, for treating women with respect and for not drinking bottles of after-shave through a jock-strap.

Caught…in the Mirror

It is therefore with great dismay that we learn how two teenaged rugby players have been kicked out of their public school for secretly filming a sex session.

The Mirror says James Haskell, the England under-18 rugby captain, and Paul Doran-Jones set up a video camera in a boys’ dormitory and recorded Paul’s romp with his girlfriend without her knowledge.

They then played it to other pupils at Wellington College, one of whom tells the paper that it was ”full-on stuff”.

”The younger boys were banned from seeing it,” he says. ”It’s fair to say it was obviously not the first time for either Paul or his girlfriend.”

”Paul’s girlfriend had no idea, but found out – she was upset at first, then furious. She stormed round and grabbed the film and, as far as we know, has destroyed it.”

However, news of the video leaked out to staff and the two boys and the girl were hauled in front of the headmaster, where all of them were kicked out.

Doran-Jones and his 17-year-old girlfriend have been banned for having sex on the school premises; Haskell has been banned for being stupid enough to include himself in the film.

They will, however, be allowed to return to take their A-levels – although Haskell has already been given a C for his film studies coursework.

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


What A Swell Guy!

‘THESE two teenaged miscreants will no doubt feel that they have not only let down the rugby-playing fraternity, but the reputation of public schools as well.

Princes will be princes

Hitherto, these bastions of learning have been famous the world over for turning out well-rounded, studious young men with at least one hyphen to their name.

People like Guy Pelly, the 21-year-old who was widely credited with introducing his best friend, Prince Harry, to drink and drugs.

But Prince Charles is not so keen on the young Pelly, according to the Sun. And he has phoned his youngest son and told him to stop seeing him.

Pelly’s latest jape was to strip off after an all-day drinking binge at a charity polo match, climb on top of the VIP marquee and slide off.

If the alternative was to sit and watch toffs charging round and trying to play hockey on horseback, it seems a perfectly fair way to behave to us.

Indeed, in the olden says, young Pelly would probably have been made captain of the school first XV for that.

But Charles was unamused. ”Pelly’s behaviour was unacceptable for someone who associates with the prince,” said a royal aide.

”Charles understands Harry had nothing to do with what went on, but Pelly is his friend. He shouldn’t be in his circle any more.”

Pelly’s dad John, however, took a different view. ”It was harmless fun,” he said. ”Boys will be boys.”

Indeed they will – and public school boys will be more than most.

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


World Goes Barker Mad

‘WHEN the rescue plane landed at the North Pole to pick up polar explorer Pen Hadow, the only surprise was that Linda Barker wasn’t there as well.

Linda reveals how to perform a jungle enema

After all, the Changing Rooms presenter has managed to get everywhere else since emerging from the Australian jungle to a world who finally knew who she was.

This morning, ”I’m A Celebrity’s jungle queen” is in the Express, explaining to readers ”how she manages to look fabulous at 41 and how she kept up the glamour even when marooned in the rainforest”.

Marooned? On a film set with plastic crocodiles, fake plants and polystyrene rocks – pleeease!

Tomorrow, in the second part of this ”brilliant” four-part series, Linda gives us her recipe for healthy eating.

On Friday, we learn how Linda keeps her sex life with hubby Chris fresh and exciting – and on Saturday we get to see how she wipes her bum.

Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Boob-oushka!

‘THE family of Big Brother housemate Anoushka Golebiewski have apparently employed a celebrity fixer to cash in on her fame.

Anoushka prepares to do her strangled cat impression

Agent Amanda Stocks tells the Express: ”My role is to represent the family and put any offers from the media to them. All inquiries or bids from the media should go through me.

”At the moment, Anoushka hasn’t had any offers, but that may well change. She is obviously enjoying the limelight.”

Indeed she is, stripping off in front of some of her fellow housemates as she went for a bath yesterday – which is enough to fulfil her lifelong dream…of seeing her boobs in the Star.

And the 20-year-old nursery assistant immediately set Amanda Stocks’ phone ringing by admitting that she would happily pose topless if the shots were flattering.

”If it was classy, it wouldn’t be too bad,” she said (which is no doubt why she chose the Star as her paper of choice). ”But I wouldn’t get my arse out or do full frontal.”

As Anoushka was complaining to fellow inmate Tania that her boobs were saggy, former boyfriend Ade Worthy was telling the Sun what a great body – and great vocal chords – she had.

”She was great,” the 20-year-old bodybuilder says. ”She had a great body on her and she really used to squeal. She sounded like a strangled cat.

”She couldn’t get enough and screamed the place down.”

Phil Cooper, landlord of Ye Olde Starre Inne in Christchurch, Dorset said that Anoushka was completely the opposite to how she was on the show.

”She hardly said a thing when she came in to see Ade,” he tells the Sun. ”I think she’s after a little bit of stardom.”

Surely not. But what is 22-year-old Tania, who once dated Peter Andre and West Ham striker Youssef Sofiane, doing in the house?

That is the question that the French footballer is asking himself.

”She’s been out with a singer and a footballer – I don’t think she’s using the show as a springboard to a celebrity career.”

No, Youssef. We very much doubt she is either…

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Posher Than Posh

‘TOFF totty Tara Palmer Tomkinson is posher than Posh Spice, says the Star – and to prove it she has just replaced Victoria Beckham in the Walker Crisps telly ads.

A jungle of laughs

It’s hard to know where to start with this story, so we’ll just tell you that ”the brunette beauty is the first female star to land her own crisp commercial”.

Walkers bosses have lined the 31-year-old It girl (or IT girl, as the Star calls her) to promote their Oriental Crackers range.

”I’ve always longed to appear in a Walkers TV ad,” the former I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! contestant tells the Star, as she desperately tries to keep a straight face.

”Tara will be a jungle of laughs,” Walkers marketing boss Jon Goldstone responds.

Truly, you couldn’t make this stuff up.

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Baby, We Don’t Care

‘TARA Palmer Tomkinson has proved herself posh by appearing in a Walkers crisps ad.

The world’s second worst dressed woman

The Mirror has confirmed it is now a serious paper by today’s revelation that not one, but two, England footballers read it. Or, at least, look at the pictures.

The paper shows Wayne Rooney and girlfriend Colleen McLoughlin sunbathing in Spain and looking at pictures of themselves in yesterday’s paper.

”England teammate Steven Gerrard, 22, and his partner had earlier grabbed their own copy of the Mirror,” it says.

If Gerrard gets a copy of today’s Mirror, he will see his ex-girlfriend, Brookside babe Jennifer Ellison, doing a Britney impression.

”Wearing a skin-tight gold PVC outfit, the 20-year-old starlet looked the spitting image of Britney Spears,” the paper says, as she performed her first live gig in Liverpool.

Meanwhile, Britney has shed her blonde locks and is, in the view of the paper, ”going through some sort of fashion crisis”.

Given that this is the person who has been named worst-dressed woman in the world for the past three years, you can only imagine how bad it is.

So, finally to Girls Aloud blonde Sarah Harding, who has apparently been told to ditch her boyfriend, Mikey Green from Popstars rejects band Phixx, because he’s not famous enough.

”Sarah is incredibly sexy and one of the most instantly recognisable singers in the band,” an insider tells the Mirror.

One of the most instantly recognisable singers in the band – high praise indeed!

Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Stasi And Hutch

‘IN today’s story of the world gone mad we turn to the Mail and the tale of Peter the lop-eared bunny, who was given a ticket for parking in a restricted zone.

Peter was happy not to have been breathalised

The story goes that when Peter’s pet-shop-owning pal Cliff Chamberlain saw a traffic warden closing in on his van he moved the vehicle and left Peter behind in his hutch.

Whether Pete was keeping the space open or minding his own business was neither here nor there, and the uniformed drone slapped a £30 penalty notice on Pete’s vehicle.

Speaking in the Express, Mr Chamberlain of Eccles Pet Store, Salford, can’t believe what has happened.

”The rabbit’s not for sale now – he’s done nothing wrong,” he says. ”He can’t drive and the hutch hasn’t even got any wheels.”

It sounds like Peter can expect an imminent visit from the law – after all, no road tax, no licence and no MOT are criminal offences.

Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Writing Wrongs

‘IN a land with no shortage of prancing, vain fools (see FOUR series of Big Brother), it seems odd that Prince Philip is still seen as ”rude”.

”Look at those blithering idiots!” ”Just ignore the children, dear”

That’s what the Sun says he is, so it must be true. And the evidence can be found when he turned up to meet and greet locals at Sheffield’s Fir View school.

”Were you here in the bad old days?” asked the Prince of a gaggle of parents. The women nodded. ”That’s why you can’t read and write then!” he replied.

To the Sun this means that the Prince is ”write rude”. And that he ”says mums are dunces”.

Although, all the school’s headmaster, Hugh Howe, can say is that ”the royal visit has left staff and pupils with some wonderful memories”.

Which only time and the lack of a pen prevents them from putting down on paper…

Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Public House

‘TODAY the papers celebrate the catchphrase that twelve new contestants are hoping will propel them to international stardom, or a 10 per cent discount at their local kebab van: ”I’m mad, me!”

”I can do you a good deal on me kebab”

Yes, Big Brother is back for a fourth series, and the papers are falling over themselves to talk it up.

The key word is ”sex” and the Sun says that to help pop the show’s cherry a bar has been installed in the house, done up like a ”traditional East End boozer”.

It’s not known whether or not the said pub includes a small yellow-haired old man droning about the war, an ageing skinhead kicking a fruit machine or ”Karaoke” Kate – ”I luv singin”’. Just that it will be there.

But will it encourage two or more of the Big Brother contestants to ”get it on”? An insider who knows about these things tells the Star that he thinks not.

In a front-page article on how the contestants have been allowed to stay with their lovers on the night before the show begins, the informer says: ”After all, if they last until the end of the show they face nine weeks without sex.”

To which comment, the kind of people who sit avidly glued to their TV sets for the show’s full run can only ask, ”Is that all?”

Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Waxing Lyrical

‘DID you know that the amount of wax used to make a replica of Jennifer Lopez’s backside could heat a small Guatemalan village for an entire year?

The Ben Affleck waxwork went a bit wrong

It’s the kind of fact any self-respecting journalist should equip themself with. But for the Express’ David Smith, the Star’s Jon Lockett and Sun’s Thomas Whitaker, research extends only as far as their groping reach.

Each of the three men have paid visits to Madame Tussaud’s and made a beeline for a new waxwork of the Latina singer Jennifer Lopez.

We are not told which writer got there first, but the scramble to feel up a dummy must have been a sight to behold.

But let us begin with Mr Smith of the Express, who was on ”the verge of melting” when he sidled up to the glorified tailor’s manikin.

He even caused her cheeks to colour, by grabbing hold of her backside in the manner of a pubescent boy at a school disco and whispering something into her waxy-coated ear.

A microphone hidden inside J-Lo’s head picks up the mutterings and triggers light-emitting diodes in her cheeks. No matter what is said, the woman who would be Mrs Ben Affleck blushes.

The Star’s Mr Lockett cares not for diodes and gizmos, preferring to close his eyes and dream of what a real woman must feel like as he gets close.

But it’s the Sun’s Mr Whitaker who really does us proud, grabbing the chanteuse’s arse with both hands and then performing the same trick on a waxwork effigy of Geri Halliwell.

His verdict? ”I also tested Geri’s bum – but it was bit hard for my liking.”

But not to worry because Whitaker and the rest of the professionals can always melt a few household candles and get to work forming their ideal woman.

They can begin just as soon as they find a suitable wick…

Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Tabloids | Comment