Britney Spears gets $15m X Factor deal, but she still isn’t allowed a cash card

SIMON COWELL loves ’em mental. Look at the women he’s surrounded himself with. Paula ‘mental’ Abdul. Cheryl ‘toilet attendant’ Cole. Nicole ‘the only woman who could possibly find Lewis Hamilton even vaguely sexual’ Scherzinger. Amanda ‘willingly had sex with Neil Morrissey’ Holden. And Sinitta. Everything about Sinitta screams insanity.

And now, Cowell has bagged himself Queen Nutter, Britney Spears. She’s apparently going to be on The X Factor USA and she’ll be getting $15 million in the bargain.

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Posted: 10th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Against Me! singer to change gender even though America can’t handle the idea of gay marriage

WHILE half of America shouts loudly about how much it hates the gays, it is with unimaginable bravery that Against Me! singer, Tom Gabel, announces that after years of living with gender dysphoria for years, he is to become she and start living life as Laura Jane Grace.

Gender dysphoria is not a laughing matter (despite the hooting that surrounded Lady GaGa’s non-penis) and changing your sex is surely one of the most difficult decisions a human can make. Yet, you can almost hear the catcalls from those who are steadfast in their unwillingness to understand the situation.

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Posted: 10th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

More masseuses to accuse Travolta of indecent proposals

JOHN TRAVOLTA has invariably had a rough 24 hours after being accused of molesting some poor masseuse in one of the most hilariously worded legal complaints in history. The length of his wang, the state of his pubes and a man cooking burgers were all accounted for in the accusation.

And now, more masseurs are coming forward with tales of randy run-ins with Travolta and may well join a federal lawsuit in California.

The lawyer dealing with the case – Okorie Okorocha – says a number of masseurs are now apparently suing the star for sexual assault, and he said: “I’m getting tons of calls. If we weren’t dealing with statute of limitations, I’d say about 25 (potential plaintiffs) have contacted me. He’s done it everywhere, and the laws are very different in different states.”

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Posted: 9th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Hey Ya? Hey Joe? OutKast’s André 3000 to play Jimi Hendrix

LOOKING out at the world, there’s not many people who have matched Jimi Hendrix’s joy of raiding the dressing-up box and living life as a pop star peacock, with wild hair, irresistible hips and effectively looking like they’ve just dropped in from Planet Funk.

After Jimi came Parliament with George and Bootsy, then Rick James and Prince and more recently, Andre 3000 who is a man who likes to play with sound just as much as a pair of stacked heels and floor-length fluorescent coat. With that, it makes perfect sense that the OutKast harlequin should be given the nod to play Hendrix in a new biopic.

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Posted: 8th, May 2012 | In: Music | Comment (1)

John Travolta sued for allegedly trying to fiddle with the wang of a masseuse! (photos)

YOU’VE heard the rumours about John Travolta right? The rumours are so loud that these days, they pretty much drown out the day job. One author has been very vocal about Travolta’s supposed secret sexual liaisons, noting how much the Pulp Fiction actor liked to please Middle Easterners with large weaponry.

Alas, these are mere rumours and we don’t want any lawyers coming after us. Just thought we’d clear that up. Anyway, in unrelated news, John Travolta is being sued for $2 million by an unidentified masseur after the Saturday Night Fever actor allegedly made inappropriate sexual advances towards him during a massage. ‘Inappropriate advances’ it would seem, means touching a penis uninvited.

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Posted: 8th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Lady GaGa dumps vampire boyfriend

COMPARED to other gigantic popstars currently, Lady GaGa has been refreshingly quiet. Relatively speaking, she’s been away from the spotlight long enough for people to stop being reminded how irritating she is. However, something must be afoot commercially because here she is!

Apparently, GaGa has split from her boyfriend, Taylor Kinney. No, that’s not the American riot grrrl outfit, we’re talking about vampires. That’s right, Taylor is a star of the Vampire Diaries and he’s allegedly been in bed with GaGa – NAKED – for the past 10 months after they met on the set of the ‘You and I’ promotional video.

Lady Gaga – Before She Was Famous

However, we’re going to have to man the helplines because according to various sources, the couple are now “on a break”. One source who obviously can’t keep their mouth shut, said: “She will be touring non-stop until next year and has found she can’t have a relationship at the same time.There’s just no room for anything else. Her work is all-consuming”.

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Posted: 4th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Michael Jackson to give Pepsi some corpsey goodness again!

WHEN you think of Michael Jackson and Pepsi in the same sentence, you’ll invariably get a whiff of burned hair and flesh on the wind. Of course, MJ is pretty dead these days, so we don’t have to worry about him sullying our junk food anymore.

If only that was the case.

Michael Jackson Tattoos

See, Pepsi have decided to try and breathe life into Jackson’s corpse and put some deathstink on their drink as they’ve announced that they’ll be putting Michael Jackson’s silhouette on their packaging. No wonder everyone buys Coca Cola instead.  Of course, Pepsi aren’t grave-robbing at all as they nod to the promotions that will include live events, music and digital opportunities for fans to get special-edition merchandise. No. Not a singed wig.

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Posted: 4th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Is Ashton Kutcher a massive racist?

CLEARLY it wasn’t enough for Ashton Kutcher to break the withered heart of Demi Moore by throwing his wang up a young woman on the night of his wedding anniversary. It obviously wasn’t enough for him to mistakenly defend an American football coach who had helped cover up a load of sexual abuse to young men.

Now he wants to be thought of as a bit racist.

Why? Well, he’s starred in an online ad for some crisps which was pulled offline on the day it was released after viewers complained it was racist.

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Posted: 3rd, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Danny From The Voice turned down Cameron Diaz’s sexual advances

DESPITE the fact he’s got so much hair and so little face, thereby making him look like a beefeater peering out of a grizzly bear’s arse, Danny O’Donoghue from The Voice has a huge number of female admirers. Scientists believe that 89% of these cooers probably said “Oooh, I love the Irish accent!” Presumably they weren’t think of Gerry Adams when they said that.

Either way, the singer who no-one is quite sure what he’s done, has also had famous admirers. Like who? Well, if you’d read the headline, you’ll know we’re talking about Cameron Diaz.

Apparently, while Danny was doing whatever it is he does in America, Diaz tried to chat him up and get him to go on a date. That’s because he’s got a girlfriend.

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Posted: 2nd, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mel Gibson handed BA Hons in Stating The Insultingly Obvious as he confesses to having a bit of a temper

HOLLYWOOD’S prime mentalist shaker, Mel Gibson, has had a busy private life. He’s spat out anti-Semitic insults (allegedly), threatened to kill his ex (allegedly), swore and moaned like a cow in labour at a party concerning work matters (allegedly), wished a raping on his ex (again) from a ‘pack of N-bombs’ (allegedly), worn a beaver on his arm (actually) and generally gone so terrifically insane that he’s now officially stranger than fiction.

With all this in mind, Mel Gibson talked to Jay Leno about his ongoing feud with screenwriter Joe Eszterhas. During this televised chat, he noted: “Maybe you don’t know this about me, but I’ve got a little bit of a temper.”

Gibbo, dead in the eyes and constantly bristling with fury, said he is still upset his former friend recorded him losing his temper during a vacation at the star’s holiday home in Costa Rica. The release of the audio came just a week after Eszterhas appeared on TV news shows reprimanding Gibson for his behavior in front of his child. Oh, and before that, the screenwriter blasted Gibson in a nine-page letter which accused him of being an anti-Semite.

Nice.

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Posted: 30th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Smiths to reform aka Morrissey’s mortgage payments must be getting tight

THERE is a rumour that never goes out. That’s right, it is that time again to talk about the reforming of The Smiths. Apparently, the furiously overrated band are going to put aside their differences and return to the stage this Autumn. If The Stone Roses can do it, then why can’t Morrissey & Co?

Looking at the hatchet buried by Ian Brown and John Squire, it appears that everyone is willing Morrissey and Marr to do the same, and apparently, they’ve found ‘common ground’ with each other. Or, as everyone else calls it, ‘money’.

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Posted: 26th, April 2012 | In: Music | Comments (15)

Kim Kardashian holds hands with Kanye West for publicity

WHEN Kim Kardashian dumped Kris Humphries after 72 days of marriage, everyone howled that she was taking the sanctity of marriage and stuffing it down a promotion hole. It was cold, calculated and manipulative on a level that was so starkly bare, that the collective we couldn’t quite believe it.

However, Kim K denied it all, shrugging it all off as ‘one of those things’. It didn’t work out. It was true-love but maybe they rushed into things. She’d learned her lesson.

That is, until she courted our interest in boring amour with Kanye West. They’re helping the rumour that they’re dating each other along very nicely and reaping all that lovely publicity that comes with it. They’ve been spotted out and about together, acting like a couple and, most crucially, they’ve been seen holding hands… which as you know, is a euphemism for having filthy sex with each other.

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Posted: 25th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

The government are spying on Susan Sarandon

SPIES! They’re everywhere! Sometimes, they’re found rotting in a holdall in their house, just waiting for someone to make a really exciting film about them! However, some spies are invariably pretty boring, sat at their desk, listening in and compiling really rather dull dossiers.

And that’s what’s happening with Susan Sarandon and Michael Moore ALLEGEDLY. Please don’t ship us all off to Guantanamo please Uncle Sam. We love your rock ‘n’ roll and junk food! Honestly we do.

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Posted: 25th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Former glamour model says she had sex with Simon Cowell 11 times in one night, which she didn’t?

THERE is a huge “unofficial” media story that makes Simon Cowell look like a veritable stud at the minute, which of course, sends alarm bells ringing with anyone who has thought about the way media companies present the news for more than 5 seconds.

Ostensibly, this all reeks of The Lady Doth Protest Too Much, especially on the back of the story that former glamour model Alicia Douvall is claiming that she slept with Simon Cowell 11 times in one night. ELEVEN TIMES? That’s enough to set your average wang on fire. His ballhair, in this instance, would surely only act as stinky kindling?

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Posted: 24th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tim Lovejoy tweets his ballbag to the world by accident through Twitter

CHANCES are, you have witnessed the horror that is Tim Lovejoy, gurning his way through Something For The Weekend and Sunday Brunch. He’s tested the patience of Simon Rimmer and every woman he’s ever spoken over… and frankly, ruined your perfectly good hangover.

Well, prepare to throw up into your own hand as it slowly dawns on you that the picture of the gentleman you can see standing proudly in his briefs is that very same vapid television botherer, Mr Lovejoy.

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Posted: 24th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Rihanna: going to die like Whitney Houston?

RIHANNA has been a gigantic pain in the posterior lately, flaunting herself to the point of apathy. We’ve had vague allusions to drug use, side-boob, bikini shots and of course, all that despairing hook-ups with Chris Brown – the man who tried to smack the skin off her head.

All this wild-child nonsense isn’t new, but Rihanna is covering every aspect of media so thoroughly that when the world blinks, at least ten images of her are burned into the collective retina so we can’t even escape her when we wearily screw our eyes up.

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Posted: 23rd, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Justin Bieber uses rape and Borat to taunt ‘baby-momma’ Mariah Yeeter

PERHAPS it shouldn’t be surprising that Justin Bieber is acting like a giant baby lately, what with him being a professional gyrating toddler. However, that’s exactly what he’s doing, shouting ‘NYAH NYAH N’NYAH NYAAAAH!‘ at Mariah Yeater from his twitter account.

Now, if you don’t remember who Yeater is, she’s the girl who claims to have had sex with JB after one of his shows, which of course, resulted in a baby.

And so, probably drunk off Skittles, Bieber randomly decided to throw some abuse her way and not one of his ‘people’ decided to advise him otherwise.

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Posted: 23rd, April 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Kim Kardashian to be president of the United States Of America?

YOU may think of Kim Kardashian as little more than a sex-tape reject who can’t keep hold of a marriage for as long, but you’ve had her wrong all this time.

You see, Kimmy K is going to be the president of the USA. You may scoff, but who honestly thought that, way back when, bozo quiffboy, Ronald Reagan, was going to go from acting with chimps to hovering over the button that would’ve fired the nukes at Russia? Who actually thought that the people of California would be dumb enough to vote Big Arnie in as governor?

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Posted: 20th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Dappy fights in petrol station because he’s a gigantic pillock

IDIOTS? The world is teeming with them. One of the best examples of a complete and utter simpleton idiot, is Dappy, the Lord of N-Dubz. Away from the silly hats, the allegations of beating the crap out of a woman while the X Factor was on and showing off his long, thin penis online, he’s responsible for some of the most weak-milk music ever cut to wax.

And now, he’s continuing his idiotic form by getting into a gigantic scrap in a petrol station. Classy.

Our Daps has been arrested on suspicion of affray after the fight which left three men with serious facial injuries. Dappy was dragged into custody along with another man after an incident on the forecourt of the Shell garage in Guildford. It has been reported that Dappy and the 27-year-old man approached two girls and three men and asked the girls to go off with them. He’s famous you see? You can be brazen like that.

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Posted: 20th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

More Mel Gibson lunacy caught on tape! Still not keen on Jews, murder plot and thrilled at the death of Lennon

OKAY. Where do you start with Mel Gibson? His formerly glittering Hollywood career would be as good as anywhere, but all that’s been knocked into a cocked hat as he’s erupted back into our lives as a grade A nutjob. His ex, Oksana Grigorieva caught him on-tape, saying that he hoped she got raped by a pack of N-bombs and he allegedly said a load of tremendously anti-Semitic things to officers of the law.

And then he appeared in public with a beaver grafted to his arm. Yep, Mel Gibbo is as crazy as you can get, but, he’s learned his lesson right? WRONG! That’s because he’s at it again, yelling and reportedly giving it to the Jew both barrels.

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Posted: 19th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Grown bearded man arrested for impersonating Justin Bieber

INFANT pop superstar, Justin Bieber, has barely been alive long enough to develop his fingernails and fontanelle, let alone a hair on his nuts… so the news coming in that a grown man with a hairy face has been arrested for impersonating the pint sized popstar is odd.

Apparently, authorities have accused a Lee Moir of Toronto of taking-off Bieber. Of course, any adult with the vaguest interest in JB should be flogged in public, so what’s the deal here? Has Moir been seen gyrating in malls singing about babies?

Well, nearly.

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Posted: 19th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Simon Cowell walks on water and turns his turds into Milk Tray chocolates

WOMEN have loomed large in Simon Cowell’s legend this week, provoking cries of “Oh shut up!” and “I think the lady doth protest too much!” There’s talk of him bedding six women at once and a complete non-story about him fancying Dannii Minogue. However, there’s other elements to the high-waisted svengali that are much more fun to poke at.

According to a new biography about Cowell (so it must be massively true because books don’t lie), the X Factor mogul is completely and utterly mental.

Apparently, our Simon insists on having back toilet roll in his Beverly Hills mansion as well as having a feature that makes it look like he can walk on water like he’s Jesus or something.

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Posted: 18th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Courtney Love says sorry to daughter, not that anyone believes she’s any less mental (Dave Grohl tweets)

COURTNEY LOVE is, without doubt, the most insane person on planet Earth right now. More insane than an attic filled with Robert Mugabe’s self-portrait pyjamas.

If you missed it, Courtney has been saying that Dave Grohl tried to hump her daughter, Frances Bean. She also said that Grohl has a ‘rapey’ thing going on. Grohl dismissed the claims while Frances, the child Courtney had with Nirvana death boy Kurt Cobain, has called for twitter to ban her mother.

Ostensibly, everyone has slowly turned their back on the Hole frontwoman because she’s not only insane, but impressively annoying with it too. While our backs are collectively turned, Love has now started shouting again… and this time, she’s sorry.

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Posted: 17th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Brad Pitt & Angelina to get married and move their 30,000 children into British schools

AFTER spending their whole relationship sneering about marriage, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to get hitched. They obviously love each other so much that, now, the only thing left to do which will show each other how achingly in love they are, is to get the government involved.

How romantic. And it isn’t like celebrity marriages are fraught, tense affairs that explode in an ugly, messy, public fashion are they? Fingers crossed.

Of course, being Different From Other Celebrities (trademark, Johnny Depp), the pair won’t be getting married in America because it sucks and has absolutely no culture. And so, they’re going to go and tie the knot in France this summer, doing their best to focus on wine and castles, rather than the seething racism that made France what it is today.

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Posted: 16th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kurt Cobain recorded inevitably awful solo album before he blew his brains up

KURT COBAIN committed suicide and, for many, it was awful. The people who felt it most are those who are in their early thirties now because they were not only massive fans of Nirvana, but they were slightly too young to attend any of their gigs, leaving them in some terrible limbo.

Of course, the second Cobain pulled the trigger, he became exempt from criticism and ensured that his back catalogue would forever be held in the highest regard. Looking after the musical legacy however, is a combination of people who hate each other so much that you’d be forgiven for thinking that Kurt did himself a massive favour by fleeing the monstrous characters he would’ve had to live with.

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Posted: 16th, April 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment