Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
ALIENS with spaceships have advanced brains and control technology we humans can’t even imagine. Which is why they chose to fly to planet Earth and hover over Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays. ‘Yes,’ thought Zogxxypt the Mega Brain from the planet C&JUUTB,’ if Shaun Ryder says he saw alien life and tells everyone else, the rest of humanity will believe him and accept us. Shaun Ryder is out best chance of success.’
WE name the mystery men.
The campaign to put Jane Austen on English banknotes appears to have achieved a somewhat hollow victory, if responses to the proposed portrait are anything to go by.
Austen biographer Dr Paula Byrne describes the proposed picture as resembling a doll, and making Jane appear “dim-witted”. She even goes so far as to compere it to “a Katie Price makeover”.
However, Elizabeth Proudman of the Jane Austen Society begs to differ. While conceding that the eyes are too big, and the face is ‘prettified’ she appears happy with the overall appearance – including the bonnet, which she says Austen always wore.
TERRIBLE tattoos presentsRussell Brand’s tattoo on the arm (?) of jacqui jobson @angelghost12:
Comments onm the Justin Lee Collins look-alike:
WHO was Lou Reed was David Bowie was Debbie Harry? One Etsy has produced this epic T-shirt saluting the life of Reed, Pop and, well, insert your Seventies pop icon in the space below, in this example populated by Rod Stewart:
You know you’ve made it when you become an action figure – just ask Donny Osmond, Karl Lagerfeld, Donald Trump, Princess Diana, Tori Spelling, Vanilla Ice and William Shakespeare.
PEOPLE have long moaned that, now we live in the future, where are our hoverboards? Well, glad you asked because some bright spark has decided to do something about it!
ZBoard have been inspired by the hoverboard in Back to the Future and manufactured a hi-tech weight sensing electric skateboard, which has the same design as the board Marty McFly rode.
The limited edition board uses a pressure pad on the front which allows you to move without ever needing to put your feet on the ground and can manage 20 miles of electrically-assisted skateboarding.
MIKE Tyson, one of a rare breed able to get beyond his crimes (rape) and carve our a new career in media, recalls the time he bumped into estranged wife Robin Givens heading home with Fight Club actor Brad Pitt. The exchange is golden:
Tyson: “You had to see the look on his face. He looked like he was ready to receive his last rites. He also looked stoned out of his gourd.”
Pitt: “Dude, don’t strike me”
THERE are times when the Guardian manages to out-Guardian even itself. The last time was over the idea that the meerkat adverts are in fact racist: something which even the readers of the paper didn’t think was a likely result. Today’s example comes in a column about an ad that Marco Pierre White did for Knorr. Basically making Jamaican chicken with peas and rice by adding a couple of stock cubes to some rice, chicken and peas.
OK, it’s a pretty dreadful version of the dish but still, this is the final verdict from The G on why this is so appalling:
Beneath the tears of laughter at the hilarity of the video was the palpable and justified anger at an attempt to disregard the expertise behind Jamaican cooking. The community’s outrage at the hot mess cobbled together by MPW as “Jamaican-style” is however not just about the misrepresentation of their culinary skills. The evident lack of respect, mingled with an intention to create a marketable product was another example of cultural appropriation for wider consumption.
DID you go to the Justice 4 Jimmy rally in Leeds’ Rhounday Park? Thats Jimmy Savile.
@rabbitaway issued a call to arms:
Not afraid to speak up for those that cannot. Roundhay Park Leeds October 29th 1pm JUSTICE FOR JIMMY SAVILE JOIN US
THE Amen Break Beat. You’ve heard it. It’s been played on pretty much everything. It’s six seconds of music history. You heard it on Public Enemy’s Bring the Noise, N.W.A.’s awesome Straight Outta Compton and lost of sounds from the rave scene.
Writer Nate Harrison will explain its use after this blast of godly goodness from The Winstons, who filled a gap in the tune Amen, Brother, a B-side makeweight to the Grammy-winning 1969 hit Color Him Father. You might not know the song, but listen for drummer G.C. Coleman beating out the Amen Break. And, no, they got no royalties for their short blast of magic:
PART-TIME music snobs have been tutting and sighing about the imminent Christmas single featuring both Susan Boyle and Elvis. They think Elvis represents something sanctified and Boyle, something awful. These people, clearly, have little knowledge in either and, in fact, don’t realise how this duet makes a whole load of sense.
When asked about the duet, Susan Boyle was as puzzled as anyone, saying: “To sing with Elvis, I didn’t think it would be possible… isn’t technology brilliant? Dueting with Elvis was beyond my wildest dreams and now that this is able to raise money and help children, it is simply fantastic.”
THE Loughborough University Student Union have a song for you. They’ve changed the lyrics of the Naughty Boy’s La la la. You can get better at media and take part in Black History Month:
IN 1974, David Bowie was at a low ebb. The 1975 BBC film Cracked Actor recorded the singer on his 1974 Diamond Dogs Tour. The then 27-year-old Alan Yentob’s Omnibus film showed Bowie in the raw. In 1987, Bowie would say of the BBC film:
“I was so blocked … so stoned … It’s quite a casualty case, isn’t it. I’m amazed I came out of that period, honest. When I see that now I cannot believe I survived it. I was so close to really throwing myself away physically, completely.”
THIS year, Kent’s Edenbridge Bonfire Society will be setting fire to Katie Hopkins. Katie’s famouys for being the result of Petri Dish experiment between Mark Thatcher’s mummy genes, the pure hatred Lawrence feels for his wife on the night of Abigail’s party and the burn when you touch your nuts after rubbing Tiger Balm on your poor aching back
KATIE Price thought it a good idea to post this picture of her current beau and some of her kids.
YOU know when you can’t get a song out of your head.
In Touching the Void, the film based on Joe Simpson and Simon Yates’ epically disastrous attempt to ascend Siula Grande (6,344m) in the Cordillera Huayhuash in the Peruvian Andes in 1985, Simpson’s tired mind is assaulted by Boney M’s Brown Girl in the Ring. He thinks “Bloody hell, I’m going to die to Boney M”.
STAR WARS is a film that is extraordinarily well documented and new stuff shows up all the time. However, one of the best finds is this original blooper reel from Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope which has been released.
Originally released by Lucasfilm editor JW Rinzler for this summer’s Comic-Con, the footage features Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher and Alec Guinness and some Stormtroopers that will make you titter.
WHAT did the Metro newspaper have to say about the death of Lou Reed, who is un-we-e-e-e-eeellllll:
IF you were given the job of finding an actor who looked like Elton John, one of the last people you’d choose was Tom Hardy. You’d inevitably go for Eddie Murphy before him, as at least he could play the entire cast of the film with a variety of masks (and he’s got previous when it comes to making soulful pop).
Yet, here we are, looking at a musical biopic called Rocketman, which will feature the man-mountain who played Charles Bronson and supervillain Bane in the last Batman movie, as the little Candle In The Wind singer.
LOU Reed has died. He was 71.
Take it away Lou Reed – with Andy Warhol’s Symphony in Sound and the mighty Velvet Underground:
Photo: Lou Reed, Mick Jagger and David Bowie share a joke at a party at Cafe Royal thrown by David Bowie. Date: 03/07/1973
IN December 1905, the first issue of Variety magazine featured an article by Skigie. Who he? He was the magazine publisher Sime Silverman’s 7-year-old son. The boy genius reviewed a vaudeville show. The best bit about it? The moving pictures. The boy was prescient. Moving pictures became big; vaudeville shrivelled.
Silverman’s son Sidne (1901–1950), succeeded him as publisher.
The first issue was sixteen pages long. It sold for a nickel.
SO. We’ve seen the earnestly Teenage Trot Russell Brand trot out his ignorance of economics for us all on Newsnight. This is the one line that made me cringe the most:
David Cameron said profit isn’t a dirty word, I say profit is a filthy word. Because wherever there is profit there is also deficit.
Oh Dear God that’s nonsense.
ANORAK loves Mod Cinema, a home for hard-to-find 60s, 70s and 80s films you never knew you were looking for. The Mods put these movies on DVD. They are blasts of my youth, when everything at the cinema sounded echoey and on American TV shows the camera focused on a person’s face when they weren’t talking. And everyone looked a bit sweaty.
ORLANDO Bloom and Miranda Kerr are to divorce. Their three-year marriage produced on child and lot and lots of news; some of it promoted by themselves.Who can forget this touching picture Bloom posted of his and wife and son:
Adolescents took a sudden interest in the miracle of life. But they won’t see the likes again. Says their spokesman (and who gets to keep him in the divorce?):
“In a joint statement, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have announced that they have been amicably separated for the past few months. After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation… Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family.”
In other news, you might have missed, the Mail’s SOPHIA CHARALAMBOUS told readers in mid-October:
They are both busy with their high-flying model and acting careers, but Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr still manage to make time for family night’s out.
No. They don’t.