Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
MICK Jagger by Francesco Scavullo, 1973.
How Ted Nugent dodged the draft: he ‘bleeds red, white, blue and liberty’ because others do the fighting
TED Nugent is neither dead nor jailed. He makes the pledge then he break the pledge. The self-styled black Jew is a big fan of the National Rifle Association. He is all for protecting hard-won American freedoms. Nugent is a board member of the NRA. The 64-year-old rocker who once told the president to “suck on my machine gun”. Nugent went along to Obama’s State of the Unions address on Tuesday evening.
In a commercial for his Discovery Channel television show, Ted Nugent’s Gun Country, the man of liberty declared:
“I bleed red, white, blue and liberty. And nothing says liberty more than the right to bear arms. Guns built this country and good men with guns made it the American dream. This is a look into the world of guns and America’s obsession with guns through the eyes of the biggest gun nut of all: me.”
APOLOGIES for being little late on this one. Bruce Willis has been on The One Show, the BBC’s bigger budget local news-style telly show. It was painful. Matt Baker and Alex Jones didn’t so much interview Willis as collide with him, Armageddon style. Willis came over as a pillock. Baker was simpering. Jones was creeping.
The choicest cut was when the melting, obsequious duo asked Willis: “When you stared 25 years ago, did you think you’d get a fifth instalment of Die Hard?”
Willis: “Do you even know what’s happening ten minutes from now?”
Add it to the list:
JESUS Is My Nigga “Pastor Rap”. It’s American pastor Jim Colerick and his wife, Mary Sue, doin’ Rappin’ for Jesus.
My crew is big and it keeps getting bigga, that’s cause Jesus Christ is my ni**a!
We can’t find much news on Colerick. But rumours are that he operates at West Dubuque 2nd Church Of Christ.
If it is a spoof, it’s a pretty good one. These, however, are true. Really. This actually happened. These tunes prove the point: the Devil has all the best songs:
MARTINE McCutcheon, aka EastEnders‘ Tiffany Mitchell and Martine Kimberley Sherri Ponting, of Esher, Surrey, has been declared bankrupt. Her “largest creditor” is Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.
WHEN Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wasn’t cajoling children into frenzied exercise, shagging his housekeeper, admiring Hitler, being drawn in to the vanishing of Lord Lucan, smokin’ and gropin’, he was shilling for Brazil. Arnie loves the carnival in Rio. Why? Says Arnie:
“You know something, after watching the mullatos shake it, I can absolutely understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favorite body part, the ass.”
“I learned one word yesterday… BUNDA!!!”
THE Pope has resigned. Many of his workmates were shocked at the surprise announcement. But Benedict XVI is not the first. There’s precedent there:
RIP Paul Tanner, the musician who played trombone with the Glenn Miller Orchestra and who, with Bob Whitsell, created the Electro-Theremin.
THE SUN leads with news that married Manchester United defender and suggestive child’s toy Patrice Evra had been “partying with Playboy twins Carla and Melissa Howe” (photos). He was not alone. The Sunsays Evra invited the British Howe twins – Melissa and Carla are 22 – to a Paris club along with four pals including Red Devils team-mate Anderson.
Anderson is single, and a man who has previously only ever been photographed with his dinner. Evra is a Father-of-one married to the fragrant Sandra.
It all sounds like a lot of nothing until you read the front page: “Playboy Twin: My Sex With Rat Evra.”
Spotter: The Poke
THE Daily Mail has a well-earned reputation online for spinning a story from a paparazzi photo of a celebrity in a bikini. The story routinely includes the words “[insert name] parades her figure” or “[insert name] parades her pregnancy bump”, “[insert name] parades her curves” or “[insert name] parades her breasts / buttock. thighs“. So. Mail writer Clare Coulson got to thinking. And she’s come up with anew angle: ears.
Showing off their ear-ogenous zones: The bizarre body part the A-listers are flashing on the red carpet
WITH the news of Disney making a film about a young Han Solo (good move really as Han Solo is a cocky arse, which can only make for thrills and spills), some Star Wars fans will be weeping into their laps because they don’t like the idea of Mickey Mouse having anything to do with George Lucas’ brainchild (yeah, and he really looked after the franchise didn’t he?).
And so, in a bid to stop any of these new Star Wars films from taking off, an unlikely project has arisen: Star Wars fans have raised £75,000 to build an actual Death Star.
DID you stay up to see Beyonce perform in New Orleans? It was tough going. In the UK, the show was broadcast in the early hours of the morning. To make it harder to stay up that late, the event was squashed between something called the NFL Super Bowl XLVII football game, a contest between the lycra-clad San Francisco 49ers and the shoulder-heavy Baltimore Ravens. Staying awake was testing for any metrosexuals not into 1980s fashions. But if you put in the hard yards, Beyonce was there. You got to see Destiny’s Child reunited – shame the extra ladies lost their voices whenever Beyonce sang ,or their Mr Microphones had failed at the last – and the birth of the Beyonce Derp meme. How committed to the show was Beyonce? Get a load of the game face. She was all in:
FOR the past two weeks, OK! has led with news of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, aka Speidi. Having paid big to get the US reality TV star on Celebrity Big Brother, Richard Desmond is keen to eke out their fame in his mag.
In week one, we read how their experiences in the CBB house “made them need each other even more”. Such is the way of a twosome given the one-name treatment. Heidi will forever be the Alpine girl done good, and Spencer is what comes after Frank and a whoopsie. They need each other to exist, like Marks without Spencer, Laurel without Hardy or John Merrick and the elephants.
KAI the homefree hatchet-swinging Hitchiker is a hit on the web. For the story of Kai’s heroism, as told to Fox News in the best Homeric tradition, go here. For the autotune remix, listen up:
ONE day theEuroVision masters will realise that they are sitting on a gold. Forget the voting. Just play every act that wants to enter the show one after the other. No judges. No voiceovers. Nothing added. Just people on stage singing. To kick of the newlook show, here’s Azerbaijan’s Yan Kasepava showing Gloria Gaynor the door:
David Beckham, Jimmy Savile, Ronnie Irani, Maggie Thatcher and Jeffrey Archer: the five biggest charity boasters
THEY do a lot of work for charity, and they DO like to mention it!
When it comes to self-promotion you have to hand it to him. Transfer deadline day arrives and instead of talking about a 22-year-old Brazilian or Portuguese hotshot on his way to Chelsea or Manchester to City, the media is frothing with excitement over a 37-year-old former international whose main purpose these days is to sell merchandise with his name on.
CHRIS Rock has been speaking truth to power:
“It’s [the USA] ready for a retarded president, why wouldn’t it be ready for an African American president?”
SIDE Boob, arse cleavage, dresses made- see-through by the camera flashes, mons pubis, invisible knickers, moobs, camel toes and front tails are banned from the Grammys. All simulated acts of self-rubbing will be of the over-the-clothes variety, and sponsored by Anusol and other anti-itching aids. Should Rihanna feel a need to pretend to lick human sauces from her fingers and lips, she will be handed a jam doughnut and finger bowl.
MAD Magazine is a film. WhenWe Went Mad is a documentarythat MAD Magazine over the past 60 years.” You get to put faces to Al Jaffee, Sergio Aragones, Arnie Kogen, Jack Davis, and Al Feldstein.
TO Belo Horizonte, Brazil, where police have arrested three suspected criminals named John Lennon. It’s testament of Lennon’s enduring popularity that John Lennon Ribeiro Siqueira, arrested for plotting to rob a lottery agency, is just 19.
Suspected burglar John Lennon Fonseca Ferreira is 22. Suspected five-time killer John Lenon Camargos Gomes is also 22.