Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
MALAWI welcomes you. But not Madonna. Says Malawi’s leader Joyce Banda
“It is worth making her aware that Malawi has hosted many international stars, including Chuck Norris, Bono, David James, Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville, who have never demanded state attention or decorum despite their equally dazzling stature.”
Eat yer heart out, Madge:
Neville Neville, Your future’s immense,
Neville Neville, You play in defence,
Neville Neville, Like Jacko you’re bad,
Neville Neville, Is the name of your dad!
Photo: US performer Madonna, centre, tours the Mphandura orpahange near Lilongwe, Malawi, Friday April 5, 2013. Madonna, is spending her fourth day in the southern African country from where she adopted two children David Banda, right and Mercy James, left.
THE idiotic BBC has decided not to play the Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead, the tune from the Wizard of Oz reinvigorated by the anti-Margaret Thatcher. It will not feature on the Official Chart Show. All 51-seconds of it have been censored.
Radio 1 controller Ben Cooper tells the BBC:
”The decision I have made is I am not going to play it in full but that I will play a clip of it in a news environment. When I say a news environment, that is a newsreader telling you about the fact that this record has reached a certain place in the chart and here is a clip of that track.
“It is a compromise and it is a difficult compromise to come to. You have very difficult and emotional arguments on both sides of the fence.
“Let’s not forget you also have a family that is grieving for a loved one who is yet to be buried.”
Paul Simonon: The Clash bassist we all wanted to be and star of the greatest rock ‘n’ roll photo of all time
BEING buried alive is right up there in the list of things you fear most.
YOUTUBER jethack shows us the Mysterious Swaying Plant. He says it’s creepy. It is. But when I saw it I stated to think of The Vanishing, the Dutch film in which a man is buried alive. Jewthack walks off with his video to post on YouTube. He never digs beneath the wavering plant. And in a box beneath the soil a man with only a stem to breath through, screams…
Presenting the Best Buried Alive Scenes in Film.
The Screaming Woman
The Candy Snatchers
Patrick Stewart played his drug lord role with relish, especially since it is such a change for him recently. From the press packet: With his role as the captain of the starship Enterprise, “I became everything synonymous with honor, intelligence, and rectitude,” he says. “Loomis is a delightful and refreshing alternative to that.” Indeed. In his very first appearance, we see him sitting at an open grave, where he calmly has his wife buried alive.
The Big Carnival
The Serpent and the Rainbow
Tales of Terror
Kill Bill (Vol 2)
LINK of the week appeared in Hello! magazine where McFly drummer Harry Judd was in the chair. The writer began:
“Drummer Harry Judd rarely misses a beat — but the same cannot be said for his heart. The McFly star has recently revealed that he has been diagnosed with an ectopic heartbeat.”
GERI Halliwell is the Spice Girl who gave us one of the greatest ever showbiz photos (see Page 2 – NSFW). She is the flame-haired trailblazer who told us:
We Spice Girls are true Thatcherites. Thatcher was the first Spice Girl, the pioneer of our ideology – Girl Power. But now we’re desperately worried about the slide to a single currency.
And now she is Halliwell who tweeted:
‘Thinking of our 1st Lady of girl power, Margaret Thatcher, a grocer’s daughter who taught me anything is possible…x’
A few pillocks attacked her for saying that. So. She did as any champion of girl power should. Yep, she deleted the tweet and posted:
‘I’m sorry if I offended u. X’
Bit late for that, Geri.
SHORT film of the day is Let It Rain. The tagline is When it rains, he pours. It’s like an Australian version of Stick Guns, the British films about fighting in the woods.
And more of it, we say. Going to the cinema used to be a chance to see a selected short before the main show. Now you get the ads, the warnings to turn your phone off and threats about recording the film you’ve paid to see lest you, erm, see it again (one viewing is all you get, folks) and cinemas turn to dust. You used to get that great adverts for Tia Maria, Kia-Ora, Lyons Maid ices, Frankie’s hotdogs, a smoking section, ushers with neck-strap trays and Pearl and Dean titles. And then you got to watch a short film.
Time to bring the selected short back:
Ok. Have an other one:
ONE Direction has been dubbed into a foreign language. It’s brilliant, gurning lip-synching glory. Who knew the boys could act?
IN 1977, the world was going batty for Star Wars. Over in France, Yves Hayat, Jean-Paul Bataille and Richard Lornac formed Droids. In ’77, two of the trio (whish we can’t say) dressed as robots and shook the room with the song (Do You Have) The Force, with R2D2-styled bleeps and burrs.
“FAT KIM’S PREGNANT A FAKE?” leads the National Enquirer. It’s a headline that suggests a question asked and answered.
Kim Kardashian is carrying hip-hop star Kanye West’s child. The Kardashian way is to exchange privacy for fame. So. Why would she cook up a phantom baby to hide her fatness? Surely simpler for one of the Kardashian Klan to create new episodes by dating a new K-star, like Kris Kristopherson, Kevin Klein, Kato Kalin (grounds keeper for OJ Simpson, who testified at the murder trial where Robert Kardashian, Kim’s dad, worked as the sportsman-turned-actor’s defence counsel), Kiera Knightly or Kermit.
PIERS Morgan wants more gun control in the US.
Hey, @piersmorgan, can you please explain these signs on your Beverly Hills property?
Get off my land!
MAD Men’s Jon Hamm tell Rolling Stone:
“They’re called privates for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. When people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal.”
It’s hard being an actress, isn’t it Jon. Now show us your side moobs…
Nominative determinism note: Ham is not piece of meat.
When Princess Diana played Golden Girl Dorothy, dodged a ‘randy old Taurean’ and went to the gay bar with Freddie Mercury
KENNY Everett’s busty distraction Cleo Rocos has a book out. One section deals with the time she met Princess Diana. Over bellinis, Shy Di would refer to people as “that randy old Taurean” or “Typical Sagittarian, always dancing on the table with a bottle of vodka down his trousers.”
Everett, Rocos and Di then went back to Kenny’s penthouse to watch The Golden Girls. Mercury popped over. The foursome ad libbed their version of the show. Everett was Blanche, Diana was Dorothy, Mercury was Sophie and Rocos was Rose.
SHOULD Anorak favourite Amy Winehouse be immortalised in statue-form? The Amy Winehouse Foundation has hired Scott Eaton to design a bronze statue of the singer to stand on the Roundhouse venue overlooking Chalk Farm Road. It’ll be on the first floor terrace, overlooking Chalk Farm Road.
THE Washington DC-based website Brightest Young Things has removed all of its content for an audit. Why? Because Logan Donaldson, the site’s managing editor “plagiarized whole sections of a 13,000-word music guide from other publications.” The article, “BYT Music Guide Spring/Summer Season 2013″, has been updated. It now reads:
All original words by: Svetlana Legetic, Shauna Alexander, Ross Bonaime, Logan Donaldson Marcus Dowling, Bryce Rudow, Alyssa Moody, Bri Younger & Shelly Bell
Ed Note: This post has been updated to include only original content produced by BYT writers. Thank you for reading and your patience.
BYT founder Svetlana Legetic is aghast and agog:
“There’s absolutely no excuses, for this. It’s a ginormous article. He was the one saddled with the music guide. We obviously don’t copy and paste from press releases. But you run out of ways to describe a new band and it gets to be 2 a.m. I’m not going to let him [Donaldson] go. He produces a lot of great original content. I’m not going to have him resign.”
RIP Richard Griffiths. You were Vernon Dursley in the Harry Potter films and the cooking copper in Pie in The Sky. But above all you were Uncle Monty in Withnail and I.
TAMARA Ecclestone has taken a break from finding new ways to spunk her dad Bernie’s cash. She’s getting it out for Playboy magazine. Tamara shared a photo of her day at work on Instagram. Pressed up against the Pope’s toilet door, Tamara turns to face the camera, looking away as a nurse checks her buttocks for signs of chaffing. Replace the Playboy logo with an advert for Sudocrem, and Tamara could be doing her bit to remove the stigma of adult ‘nappy’ rash*.
* Hugh Hefner endorses this message.
AT the MoMa, Tilda Swinton has been sleeping in a glass box:
It’s part of an unannounced, surprise performance piece called “The Maybe” that will be taking place on random days all year. A MoMA source told us, “Museum staff doesn’t know she’s coming until the day of, but she’s here today. She’ll be there the whole day. All that’s in the box is cushions and a water jug.”
KATIE Price marked the 5th birthday of KP Equestrian range of clothing by dressing up as a pink horse at the Worx Studios in Parsons Green, west London. Jordan, for it is she, is the inflatable My Little Pony who wanted to be a fairy. The only thing missing from this tableau of family business harmony is someone trying to straddle Katie’s back….