Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Judy Garland to anti-Thatcher mob: ‘I’ve sung, I’ve entertained, , I’ve pleased you—YOU SONS OF BITCHES!’
WHEN the BBC banned Judy Garland and The Wizard of Oz – it being what Margaret Thatcher would have wanted, or some such malarky (and has the Govrernment made her take an Atos test yet?) – we wondered about the singer.
THE Telegraph gives us this headline:
Great music is ‘as good as sex’
And illustrates it with a picture of a bird in her pajamas grinning at us under her headphones. Subtle, eh?
JUSTIN Bieber was once a Nazi SS wartime general, historians say. Experts who saw Bieber sign the visitor book at Anne Frank’s wartime home in Amsterdam - he wrote: “Truly inspiring to be ble to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she has belieber Would have beens” - believe the singer was once an SS stormtrooper named Helmet Wirth.
Wirth escaped to Paraguay. It is now believed his knowledge of genetics and suitcases full of baby skin and children’s organs enabled him to disguise himself as ‘Justin Bieber’.
“Wirth worked in the aural desensitisation zone at Auschwitz,” explains one historian. “His job was to test sounds to see if they could create non-surgical mass sterilisation. As former chairman of the anatomy department at the Reich University in Strassburgu, Wirth’s experiments on babies enabled him to rise to the upper echelons of the Third Reich.”
Wirth recorded his experiments. He would often sing whilst he worked. Anorak played some of Wirth’s tapes to a group of teenagers. Twelve year-old Jessica Hool from Basildon, was impressed:
“OMG! You can really hear it’s Bieber.”
Holly Jones, added:
“To think that thousands of murdered children were forced to listen to Justin Bieber before they were raped and murdered shows that the Nazis weren’t all bad. My nan had Procol Harem at her funeral. It’s just a matter of taste”
Bieber fan Milly Samson added on twitter: “Ho the fuck is Anne Frank? If that bitch takes my baby maker I’m gonna fuck her up. For shit!”
MALIBU Express (1985) is the first firm in Andy Sidaris’s series Bullets, Bombs and Babes. Wooden actors and top-shelf Pets played out scenes featuring beaches, bikini, wood-hewed hunks in trunks and imaginative ways to die.
Look out for such titles as: The Dallas Connection, Day of the Warrior, Do or Die, Enemy Gold, Fit to Kill, Guns, Hard Hunted, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Malibu Express, Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach and Return to Savage Beach.
Hard Ticket to Hawaii was better still. The Frisbee scene being memorable:
NORTH Korea is preparing for war with the South. Meanwhile…in South Korea, Psy, the rapper who gave us the pony Gangnam Style, is pretending to be a black woman called Beyonce whilst dancing badly to Single Ladies.
Kim Jong-un or Psy? The two seem to have been separated at birth. But at least one of them’s an idealist…
Courtney Webb: woman who ‘shagged’ One Direction’s Zayn Malik claims she slept with married Leeds United footballer
THE Sun has a kiss ‘n’ tell. It’s “SOCCER badboy El Hadji Diouf”. The paper claims the Leeds United striker “cheated on his wife by bedding a lover — who was left sickened when he urged her to join a threesome with a stripper”.
The teller is one Courtney Webb (nominative determinism?). She “refused to join in the Leeds United star’s kinky games — and watched horrified as he had sex with the East European girl instead”.
IN 2011, the Daily Star told us that Simon Cowell was dead. But then by page 2 readers noticed that the “TELLY KING’S” features were frozen by Botox not rigor mortis and Cowell was alive.
Two years later and the Star has more front-page news on Cowell:
“I’M GOING TO HAVE A BABY GIRL”
For breakfast? For her skin? Cowell is quoted:
“Would I adopt? No, I think I would rather have my own but I wouldn’t rule it out either. I have to say I would prefer a girl.”
THE Red Chapel is a feature documentary shot in North Korea and edited. It was awarded the judges special prize in world documentary cinema at the Sundance Film Festival 2010.
A journalist with no scruples, a spastic, and a comedian travel to North Korea with a mission – to challenge the conditions of the smile in one of the world’s most notorious regimes. The Red Chapel chronicles the amusing and often bizarre encounters between this Danish theatre troupe and their North Korean hosts in a one of a kind, East-meets-West-meets-East look at cultural exchange in the modern world’s last anti-globalist bastion.
Mads Brügger is accompanied by Jacob Nossell and Simon Jul. He says:
“If the North Koreans ever were able to understand the Danish language, they would never be able to understand spastic Danish.”
The most fascinating character in the film may be Mrs. Pak, the motherly, slightly creepy government functionary assigned to be the caretaker for Brügger and the two young Danish-Koreans who make up the “comedy troupe” that Brügger “directs.” There is nothing to suggest that she is a bad or malevolent person. Her belief in the fundamental greatness of her country and her government, and in the “values” of unity and togetherness used to keep North Koreans in line, is wholehearted and pure. She can’t talk about the Dear Leader without being emotionally overcome. Aside from the mentally ill, I’ve never seen a human being who exists so completely in an alternate universe. It’s terrifying.
Mads convinces their escort, Mrs. Pak, to allow him to read a poem in front of the statue of Kim Il-Sung, to which all visiting foreigners are required to pay homage. He claims it’s by a famous Danish worker’s rights writer. It’s not. It goes as follows: “Love is like a pineapple / Sweet and undefinable.”
GIVE it up. Barron Trump is better than you. The product of walking hair tsunami Donald Trump and his curent wifeMelania Trump, is the subject of a chat on ABC News. Melania says Barron, 7, is into suits and moisturises with caviar cream every night:
“He’s not a sweatpants child,” says Trump, 42, of her only child with her husband of eight years, Donald Trump, 66. “He doesn’t mind putting on [a suit]—but not every day— and he likes to dress up in a tie sometimes like Daddy.”
Trump tells ABC News that in addition to dressing her son nicely, she makes sure that he takes care of his skin, slathering him in her eponymous Caviar Complex C6 moisturizer after his nightly bath.
“It smells very, very fresh,” says the businesswoman, who launched the skincare line this week at Lord & Taylor. “I put it on him from head to toe. He likes it!”
Come the revolution, readers, when the 1 per cent are eaten, Barron will make a delicious canape…
MALAWI welcomes you. But not Madonna. Says Malawi’s leader Joyce Banda
“It is worth making her aware that Malawi has hosted many international stars, including Chuck Norris, Bono, David James, Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville, who have never demanded state attention or decorum despite their equally dazzling stature.”
Eat yer heart out, Madge:
Neville Neville, Your future’s immense,
Neville Neville, You play in defence,
Neville Neville, Like Jacko you’re bad,
Neville Neville, Is the name of your dad!
Photo: US performer Madonna, centre, tours the Mphandura orpahange near Lilongwe, Malawi, Friday April 5, 2013. Madonna, is spending her fourth day in the southern African country from where she adopted two children David Banda, right and Mercy James, left.
THE idiotic BBC has decided not to play the Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead, the tune from the Wizard of Oz reinvigorated by the anti-Margaret Thatcher. It will not feature on the Official Chart Show. All 51-seconds of it have been censored.
Radio 1 controller Ben Cooper tells the BBC:
”The decision I have made is I am not going to play it in full but that I will play a clip of it in a news environment. When I say a news environment, that is a newsreader telling you about the fact that this record has reached a certain place in the chart and here is a clip of that track.
“It is a compromise and it is a difficult compromise to come to. You have very difficult and emotional arguments on both sides of the fence.
“Let’s not forget you also have a family that is grieving for a loved one who is yet to be buried.”
Paul Simonon: The Clash bassist we all wanted to be and star of the greatest rock ‘n’ roll photo of all time
BEING buried alive is right up there in the list of things you fear most.
YOUTUBER jethack shows us the Mysterious Swaying Plant. He says it’s creepy. It is. But when I saw it I stated to think of The Vanishing, the Dutch film in which a man is buried alive. Jewthack walks off with his video to post on YouTube. He never digs beneath the wavering plant. And in a box beneath the soil a man with only a stem to breath through, screams…
Presenting the Best Buried Alive Scenes in Film.
The Screaming Woman
The Candy Snatchers
Patrick Stewart played his drug lord role with relish, especially since it is such a change for him recently. From the press packet: With his role as the captain of the starship Enterprise, “I became everything synonymous with honor, intelligence, and rectitude,” he says. “Loomis is a delightful and refreshing alternative to that.” Indeed. In his very first appearance, we see him sitting at an open grave, where he calmly has his wife buried alive.
The Big Carnival
The Serpent and the Rainbow
Tales of Terror
Kill Bill (Vol 2)
LINK of the week appeared in Hello! magazine where McFly drummer Harry Judd was in the chair. The writer began:
“Drummer Harry Judd rarely misses a beat — but the same cannot be said for his heart. The McFly star has recently revealed that he has been diagnosed with an ectopic heartbeat.”
GERI Halliwell is the Spice Girl who gave us one of the greatest ever showbiz photos (see Page 2 – NSFW). She is the flame-haired trailblazer who told us:
We Spice Girls are true Thatcherites. Thatcher was the first Spice Girl, the pioneer of our ideology – Girl Power. But now we’re desperately worried about the slide to a single currency.
And now she is Halliwell who tweeted:
‘Thinking of our 1st Lady of girl power, Margaret Thatcher, a grocer’s daughter who taught me anything is possible…x’
A few pillocks attacked her for saying that. So. She did as any champion of girl power should. Yep, she deleted the tweet and posted:
‘I’m sorry if I offended u. X’
Bit late for that, Geri.
SHORT film of the day is Let It Rain. The tagline is When it rains, he pours. It’s like an Australian version of Stick Guns, the British films about fighting in the woods.
And more of it, we say. Going to the cinema used to be a chance to see a selected short before the main show. Now you get the ads, the warnings to turn your phone off and threats about recording the film you’ve paid to see lest you, erm, see it again (one viewing is all you get, folks) and cinemas turn to dust. You used to get that great adverts for Tia Maria, Kia-Ora, Lyons Maid ices, Frankie’s hotdogs, a smoking section, ushers with neck-strap trays and Pearl and Dean titles. And then you got to watch a short film.
Time to bring the selected short back:
Ok. Have an other one:
ONE Direction has been dubbed into a foreign language. It’s brilliant, gurning lip-synching glory. Who knew the boys could act?
IN 1977, the world was going batty for Star Wars. Over in France, Yves Hayat, Jean-Paul Bataille and Richard Lornac formed Droids. In ’77, two of the trio (whish we can’t say) dressed as robots and shook the room with the song (Do You Have) The Force, with R2D2-styled bleeps and burrs.
“FAT KIM’S PREGNANT A FAKE?” leads the National Enquirer. It’s a headline that suggests a question asked and answered.
Kim Kardashian is carrying hip-hop star Kanye West’s child. The Kardashian way is to exchange privacy for fame. So. Why would she cook up a phantom baby to hide her fatness? Surely simpler for one of the Kardashian Klan to create new episodes by dating a new K-star, like Kris Kristopherson, Kevin Klein, Kato Kalin (grounds keeper for OJ Simpson, who testified at the murder trial where Robert Kardashian, Kim’s dad, worked as the sportsman-turned-actor’s defence counsel), Kiera Knightly or Kermit.
PIERS Morgan wants more gun control in the US.
Hey, @piersmorgan, can you please explain these signs on your Beverly Hills property?
Get off my land!
MAD Men’s Jon Hamm tell Rolling Stone:
“They’re called privates for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. When people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal.”
It’s hard being an actress, isn’t it Jon. Now show us your side moobs…
Nominative determinism note: Ham is not piece of meat.