Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
IT’S A Bad Brains Christmas, Charlie Brown.
The song is Pay to Cum.
IN his new film, Leonardo DiCaprio does something really, really awful – persists in having that Nearly Beard. However, it isn’t Leo’s goatee that has caused a kerfuffle, rather, PETA are going after him and calling for the actor to stop working with animal actors.
REMEMBER Heather Mills? She was a model who no-one was that fussed about, then she had a terrible accident and everyone rightly gave her props for not letting her missing leg defeat her. Then she married Paul McCartney, which everyone was surprised by. Then she started being a git and everyone hated her, feeling guilty for resorting to peg-leg jokes.
Many people disliked her because she married a Beatle.
Then, Macca and Mucca split and she shot her mouth off and no-one felt bad about making jokes about her. Then, she annoyed everyone by being a paralympian! What a woman! She really is a shining example of how to overcome life’s hurdles. She could do no wro…
WHAT makes a memorable, quotable quote, the kind of thing you slap in an essay at school to earn a tick, or include in an article to illustrate a point, your theories backed up by a person of note’s wit and wisdom? Like you, we have no idea. But Phil Lucas has nailed it. It could be anything. He’s taken Facebook status updates and attributed them to famous faces. No longer trite, the words are injected with meaning and depth. Well, maybe:
Martin Luther King
AT Z100’s Jingle Ball 2013 – New York, singer Miley Cyrus was dry humped by Santa Claus. A few days later and Miley was once more grinding Santa’s sack at the Hot 99.5 Jingle Ball at Washington DC’s Verizon Center.
And that’s fine. Dolly Parton, who is in real life Cyrus’s godmother and TV grandma, says the singer is in “complete control”. She assures us: “The girl can write, the girl can sing, the girl is smart. But no one would let her grow up, so she thought ‘drastic times call for desperate measures’.”
Previously this year, Cyrus has frotted a giant foam finger, a happening that created the epic Daily Mail headline: “‘She degraded an icon!’ Foam finger inventor Steve Chmelar’s anger as Miley Cyrus ‘misrepresents’ his creation.”
TODAY, Keith Richards is 70 years old! We have to admire him, seeing as he’s about 1% blood and the rest is made up of cigarettes, drugs and urinal cakes.
The NME placed Keef on top of their list of rock stars most likely to die in 1973 and yet, somehow, he’s proven them all wrong by still being alive. We assume.
Of course, with such celebrations, most people would compile a list of Keef’s most scandalous moments, or maybe he’s greatest songs. They may even nerdgasm over his Top 10 Riffs.
However, those people are boring.
We’re going to look at ten interesting things that Keith Richards is older than. Yes, he may have looked like he was going to die on numerous occasions, but here he is, older than…
1. The atomic bomb, first detonated in 1945.
YOU may not know, but Robin Thicke is the first man ever on Earth to be featured in a clip with some naked women for spurious reasons. We checked on Twitter and the outrage confirmed it.
And his Blurred Lines video really caused a stink, to the point that it has prompted a petition urging Britain’s Prime Minister David Cameron to change the law and ban children from watching dirty music videos online.
WHAT did happen to N-Dubz?
Spotter: Brendan O’Neill
SINGER Ian Watkins is starting a 35-year-sentence for a string of child sex offences.
Reports say Watkins shook visibly in the dock at Cardiff Crown court. He confessed to 13 offences.
Daily Mail Shocked When Fans Fail To Mob Nicholas McDonald On A Cold Tuesday School Night At Glasgow Airport
THE Daily Mail has a question: “Where have they gone? Defeated X Factor finalist Nicholas McDonald jets home to Scotland… and finds his army of fans has vanished.”
Only a week ago, he arrived home by helicopter and was met by hordes of screaming X Factor fans. But on Tuesday, it was a very different story for teenager Nicholas McDonald after he lost out in the talent show final on Sunday. The 17-year-old jetted in to Glasgow Airport, where he signed only a couple of autographs before his uneventful journey home to Motherwell, Lanarkshire.
THE Daily Mail can’t tell one Roux from the next:
French-born Masterchef chef Michel Roux Sr, 72, says: ‘The EU’s increasing and bewildering intrusion into national lives dilutes countries’ identities as it marches on with its alarming aim of an “ever closer union”.’ Let’s hope Roux’s chance of future appearances on the Europhile BBC survives such heresy.
LOOK Alikes: Karl Marx and Harry Styles:
Send us your lookalikes.
BILLY BUTCHER has turned faces of music into superhero. He asks:
What makes a pop culture icon?
Would it be the effect of their contribution to a cultural movement? Is it the way they impact the time and the generation they are targeting? Or just how their exposure constitutes a defining characteristic of a given society or era?
As a child of the 80’s I was heavily influenced by everything from saturday morning cartoons on TV to the music coming from the radio. Ian Curtis or Johnny Rotten are as iconic to me as Superman or Batman. Real people or imaginary characters, the incorruptible ideals of perfect superheroes or the human flaws and desires sometimes so desperately depicted in song lyrics – all of those influences affect us to the point of defining our character and personality, career paths and life choices.
The references we are exposed and specifically the ones we choose to absorb make us who we are. Who are your heroes?
THERE have been so many awful, bowel shaking Christmas songs over the years, it’s hard to narrow them down. The number of holiday polka tracks alone is terrifying. So, let’s take it slow. Here are five from the bottom of the barrel – proceed at your own risk.
“Trim Your Tree” by Jimmy Butler (1954)
“I’m gonna bring along my hatchet,
My beautiful Christmas balls,
I’ll sprinkle my snow all on your tree,
Hang a mistletoe on your walls.”
I’m all for playful wordplay, but the imagery ol’ Jimmy is conjuring up is a tad graphic for holiday music. Call me a prude, but I could do without the mental image of Mr. Butler sprinkling his snow. I’m just funny that way.
SING along but not at work, where it is not safe.
We (Vocal4Play) decided to go christmas caroling… Donny Tourette answers the door IN Y-FRONTS!!…sings a nice christmas tune but then goes CRAZY!!! Even though he did lose the plot… he treated us to some beers and he’s actually alright so go check out his band here – www.facebook.com/towersoflondonband cheers Donny! You certainly made this years caroling unforgettable!
IN a profile on Unlocking The Truth, we get closer to Malcolm Brickhouse & Jarad Dawkins, two metalheads we met earlier in the year:
IN January 1963, an unknown young Bob Dylan got some work in a (now lost) BBC play The Madhouse on Castle Street. He sings The Ballad of the Gliding Swan. The Sunday night play also features Dylan’s first televised performance of Blowin’ in the Wind.
He was paid a fee of 500 guineas to play the role of Bobby.
* While in London, Dylan stayed with Martin Carthy, who helped introduce him to the burgeoning folk club circuit and who remembers chopping up a piano for firewood to counter the effects of that long cold winter. Dylan became a regular figure on the folk scene and even found the time to cut an LP in a record shop on Charing Cross Road, under the pseudonym of Blind Boy Grunt.
Dylan’s stay also resulted in a burst of original songs (Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright, Bob Dylan’s Dream) which were heavily influenced by his exposure to traditional English folk music.
WE’VE all heard the arguments why vinyl or digital music is best – no need to beat a dead horse. It is this author’s humble opinion that vinyl wins by a landslide due to analog sound superiority and the customer satisfaction of owning something tangible. But that is neither here nor there. Instead, let’s look at a few minor points that belong in vinyl’s “win column”.
1. The Joy of Looking
Nothing can beat the joy of perusing the shelves of Ye Olde Record Store. Whether you were on a mission, or just hoping for a serendipitous find, it was an enjoyable endeavor all around. Plus, the record store was often a hangout and so there was a social element to the process as well.
WHEN Peter O’Toole died the women of Connnemara stood up straighter and the Daily Mail’s celebrity vulture rushed to scream “FIRST”:
Such are the facts…
Spotter: Anna Ingram @
JIM Davidson is innocent. He will not be investigated further over an alleged historic sex offence – a claim that he assaulted a woman in the Falkland Islands in the 1980s.
His solicitor Henri Brandman said: “My client, Jim Davidson, is delighted to have received news today that there will be no further action relating to an allegation of an historic sexual nature in the Falkland Islands. I will not be making any further comment on his behalf.”
IN August 1963, Gay Talese interviewed Peter O’Toole for Esquire:
“Oh, look at that ass,” O’Toole said softly, shaking his head, raising his eyes with approval. “That ass is covered with tweed made in Connnemara, where I was born…Nicest asses in the world, Ireland. Irish-women still are carrying water on their heads and carrying their husbands home from pubs, and such things are the greatest posture builders in the world.”
IN “MY TEN SEX SHAME”, X Factor winner James Arthur wings the last drops from fame’s flannel by confessing to the Sun about his “TEEN SEX SHAME”. James, 25, had consensual legal sex, with 17-year-old Ellie Shepherdson.
THERE’S a bit of a logical disconnect in this idea that we’re all going to sign up for streaming music services like Pandora, Spotify and so on. The problem being that the more free services there are competing for our custom then the fewer of us are going to bother to pay for it. This is indeed how it normally works you know, more suppliers thus lower prices to consumers:
Yet even as they have grown, streaming companies have encountered a stubborn problem: Music lovers will consume large amounts of music as long as it is free, but getting them to pay a monthly subscription has proved much more difficult.