TO the Barclaycard Wireless Festival 2012 to see Nicki Minaj rub, Tulisa smoke, Drake swoon, Rihanna grind, Deadmau5 wow, Jessie J do the stage school schtick, Calvin Harris press ‘play’ and Example bounce. It’s hard not be cynical when you see the cool kids paying out for a gig sponsored by Barclaycard, part of the tossers at Barclays Bank. But, then, gangster music needs gangsters…
THE break-up of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is not your average celebrity split. For the most part, couples use it as a promotional tool with various front-pages running stories like My Heartache: And The Truth About That Awful, Awful Bastard. However, with this one, there’s a space-religion involved and it’s tickling every pickle on Planet Earth.
And the latest news is that Cruise is a controlling swine, acting as a puppetmaster to Katie Holmes who everyone used to think was ‘alright’, but has since become everyone’s source of pity. We all assumed it, but now sources are backing it up. Basically, Cruise controlled every aspect of Holmes’ life. Allegedly.
DID Katie Holmes leave Tom Cruise over Dawson’s Creek? Was Cruise so unnerved that Joey Potter (Holmes) was set to finally marry Pacey in a Creek special and live forever a magical halcyon summer in Capeside? Was Tom trying to save us from Dawson, the idealistic sensitive bore who gave us heamorrhoids as we waited for him to finish ordering lunch or giving full throat to a soliloquy on his shoelaces or ears. (Dawson also gave us Twilight, which is Dawson’s Creek with pointy teeth and fur.)
Odd that Holmes, who rose to fame playing one of a group of teen who loved shooting to breeze by analysing themselves, whould marry a Scientologist for the free audit. Maybe she misread the marriage contract as “FREE AUDI!”
HEY! You know what’s a good idea? Being a celebrity and sticking up for someone who murdered headteacher Philip Lawrence! In fact, it is such a good idea to show support for a murderer that you should probably dedicate your pop video to him!
Isn’t that right Dappy?
That’s right. The bluntest spoon in the drawer and former N Dubz warbler, Dappy, in his new single Tarzan 2 (no, honestly), has the message “Free Leo Chindamo” in the opening credits. That’d be Chindamo who was jailed last year after breaching the terms of his licence by meeting a gang member, breaking a curfew and failing a breath test… oh, and stabbing Philip Lawrence outside his school in west London in ’95.
Coco…is a silkie bantam chicken. She is white and fluffy and is often mistaken for a poodle. I call her a pocket chicken because she loves to be held and go places with me. They know her by name at our local Michael’s craft store. What? A chicken can’t craft too? I make her outfits to mimic my vintage dresses. She also has little capelets! I turn vintage brooches into fascinators for her. Right now I’m knitting her a chicken poncho for those cool summer nights.
The poncho will render Coco nothing like a poodle, who as any Hollywood star knows, only ever wear sleeves. Very soon Kentucky Fried Poodle will be off the nation’s menus…
HAVING highlighted the dangers of objectifying thin women and sexualising the underage female, the Daily Mail looks at Kylie Jenner’s twitter feed and spots a photo of her in a bikini. It says:
Kylie, 14, meanwhile appeared a little more coy, hiding her face beneath her hair in an artsy shot. As she dangled her legs into the pool, she leaned back on her arms while displaying her equally trim figure for her two millions Twitter followers to ogle at.
MOVE over Eli Porter, rap had bigger stars. DC Talk – that’s Decent Christian Talk to you squares – were once ready to rock the ages with their “Explicit Christian Lyrics”. Meet Toby McKeehan, Kevin Max and Michael Tait. Together they were the Holy Trinity. Rap. Rock. Soul. Hats. The Fresh Prince on VHS. A Beastie Boys cassette. And brogues. Hey wer putting the big C on Rap.
God is doing’ a new thang. A brand nooo thang.
In 2002, the Encyclopedia of Contemporary Christian Music went on the record to state that DC Talk are “the most popular overtly Christian act of all time“.
The dog has talent to burn.
Perhaps Pudsey has been wearing the Bowlingual Voice microphone that translates a dog’s barks into human speech?
Of course, what we love bet about our pets is that they cannot talk. We get to humanise them. Dogs and cats know what they want. And the fun is in believing you are giving it to them. To learn that your dog is unhappy with its bedding or your cat prefers your blue dress to the green would be problematic. Worse if your pet thinks you to be stupid. Goldfish owners would be shocked to learn that they think humans are dim. The humans who stare at them opening and closing their moths and fill their bowls with sunken wrecks.
Dogs will wonder why humans are so obsessed with throwing a ball. Humans give cats balls of wool but no knitting needles.
ERIC Sykes has died. He was the comic actor who always seemed old; the uncle who made you laugh, in spite of yourself and your cynicism. His life in photos includes soem terrific pictures of the greats of the magic box:
Comedian Eric Sykes and Hattie Jacques during a scene for his new six-part BBC television series "Sykes Big Big Show". The scene is shot on HMS Dolphin, in which Sykes plays a German Submarine commander, the Fox of Lorient, and Junoesque Hattie, the Frankfurt nightingale.
UNFATHOMABLY, Tom Cruise has been announced as the highest paid actor in the world, according to Forbes magazine’s annual list. Surely he’s been in bugger-all films for some time now, thanks to that whole Scientology Business?
According to Forbes, he earned an estimated $75m (£48m) over the last 12 months, thanks largely to the rampaging success of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol. However, while he’s been earning coins, it is also rumoured that he’s been a berk with his soon-to-be-ex, Katie Holmes.
Apparently, Victoria Beckham confessed to friends that their were “bad vibes” when the girls reunited last week and she finds it all very “amusing” that they “pretend to get on so well”. On camera, Posh Spice said that she was pleased to be back with the girls, but obviously, the photographs from the event told a different tale with Victoria standing away from the rest of the group.
A WET night in July cold only mean one thing: the premier of Katy Perry Part Of Me 3D at the Empire Cinema, Leicester Square, London. This is a fly-on-the-wall look at Perry’s 124-date 2011 tour. In one scene, we see Perry hear the news that her marriage to Russell Brand is over. She hears this as she’s preparing to go on stage in Brazil. The cameras roll. Katy rolls into a ball and sobs. A voice tells us what’s going on. Then she snaps out of it and goes on with the show. What a trooper! What player! And you realise that when Katy professed a liking for Brand’s beloved West Ham United she meant it. You’ve not seen a comeback like that since Julian Dicks went down in the box…
ALEX James. He lives in the same area as David Cameron, Jeremy Clarkson and Rebecca Brooks. Rumour has it – any Iranian and Chinese readers should look away now – Chipping Norton, Oxfordshire, is also the secret headquarters of all the UK’s military weapons’ systems. One bomb and – kapow! – the UK is fallen.
Anyhow, back to the main event. Alex James, who found fame with Blur, was once selling his cheese in Asda, Pudsey. As the last nodding head observer, wrily: “Really, really special.”
Asda has now dropped most of James’s cheeses. An Asda spokesperson informed the Daily Star: “Clearly some of them were ahead of their time.”
TROUBLED is a word that has followed Mel Gibson around for some time now. When he’s not on-tape going postal, or indeed, threatening his ex with all-manner of vile things, he’s pottering around with a beaver grafted to his hand and glaring at everyone like a reanimated corpse.
And now, Gibbo’s own stepmother has filed for a temporary restraining order against him, claiming he’s been acting like a “wild man” in her presence and represents an imminent physical threat.
COOL ad of the day features Doug Pitt, brother to Brad Pitt, in the Fair Go Bro campaign for Virgin Mobile Australia. Doug Pitt is “the second most famous Pitt in his family”. The ad gives him “a taste of his brother’s lifestyle”:
Doug’s just a regular guy.
He washes his own car, pays his own bills, and does his own laundry. You see, unlike his famous bro, Doug’s never been the star of anything.
A COLLECTION of movie laughs. Can you name the films? Would you want to marry an actor who can laugh on cry on cue?
WHAT’S Sir Cliff Richard up to now that he’s been effectively banned from singing to the rain soaked masses at Wimbledon’s Centre Court thanks to a retractable roof? Why, he’s been pulling on his lurid tracksuit top and shorty shorts to run with the Olympic Torch – now 75 years into its odyssey.
Here’s Cliff paying tribute to Seb Coe, allegedly:
EVEN though Lauryn Hill possibly made the greatest debut album of all time, she’s still as mad as a bag of talking rocks. She’s been collared for not paying her taxes and she went to her website to explain why. She said she withdrew from society to keep herself and her family safe from popular culture’s “climate of hostility, false entitlement, manipulation, racial prejudice, sexism and ageism.”
“Over-commercialization and its resulting restrictions and limitations can be very damaging and distorting to the inherent nature of the individual,” Hill wrote. ”I did not deliberately abandon my fans, nor did I deliberately abandon any responsibilities, but I did however put my safety, health and freedom and the freedom, safety and health of my family first over all other material concerns! I also embraced my right to resist a system intentionally opposing my right to whole and integral survival.”
OVER the weekend, the New York Post ran one of the most wonderfully salacious articles ever written about Scientology, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise. If you don’t want to read it all, it’s claimed that Holmes was groomed to be Tom’s wife and signed a 5-year contract to be his missus, with a $3million yearly bonus for staying with him, and of course, those 5-years are now up.
Of course, Scientology gossip is pop-culture catnip and the stories are going to be numerous over the coming weeks as everyone stands around muttering about how weird it all is.
And now, it is claimed that there has been Scientology spies deployed to stalk Holmes after she filed for divorce on Thursday in NYC, citing irreconcilable differences and seeking sole custody of the couple’s daughter Suri (there’s a whole other conspiracy theory surrounding Suri’s parentage, but we’ll save that for another time).
LEAKING pictures to the press is, obviously, very common indeed. If you get them by hacking an email, you’ll get thrown in prison. But what happens if you’re two police officers? Well, there’s a whole issue of betrayal of trust, misusing a position of power and, generally speaking, acting immorally when you’re supposed to be a moral guardian.
Well, the two cops who allegedly leaked the photo of Rihanna after she was assaulted by Chris Brown will not face criminal charges, officials have said.
IS Catelynn Lowell expecting a baby with Tyler Baltierra? Catelynn and Tyler a engaged to be married. But are they having a child? Catelynn and Tyler have just finished filming season 4 of Teen Mom. So. Is she pregnant? At times like these we turn to the trusty tabloids:
PEOPLE can be cruel. And funny. These are the funniest, meanest, dumbest tweets on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ divorce:
SO. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are to divorce. When we saw Tom Cruise bounce around on the Oprah Winfrey show as he enthused wildly about his young lover, the actress Katie Holmes, we thought that very soon she’d be pregnant or in intensive care. Eight weeks after their first date, he took her to the Eiffel Tower and proposed.
A marriage ensued.
In Odescalchi Castle, Italy, the best man, Scientology headboy David Miscavige oozed:
“While through the ages many a tale has immortalised eternal love – most especially Rome and Juliet – this one is truly unique…If there was no tale of greater woe than Juliet to her Romeo, there is no greater joy than the tale of Tom and Kate today. And yes, it too is forever.”
VICTORIA Beckham is seen auditioning for the new musical Spice Girls do Sesame Street.
Four of these kids belong together, four of these kids are kind of the same… One of these kids got a new career, four of these kids are doing the same…
There’s always one:
HOW does Steve Martin respond to fan letters? With this letter: