Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
LIFE mirrrors Spinal Tap – Beyonce’s hair gets caught in a fan:
OI, big head, you’ve got a hyperflesh masks of Jack Nicholson, Ron Jeremy, Mike Tyson, Barack Obama and Charlie Sheen head.
Spotter: BlessThisStuff, Landon Meier
ONCE upon a time, Charles Saatchi was a figure of mystery, a man who sold us the Conservative Party and told us that a pickled, halved shark in a vat of preservative was high art. Then he married TV cook Nigella Lawson, grabbed her throat in public and became a celebrity and tabloid mainstay. Now, in tribute to the great art collector’s life in ink and formaldehyde, an artist at the Lambeth fair has created Artichoke, a celebration of Nige and Chas in vegetables:
RIP Mel Smith. The British comic marvel died aged just 60. The star of Not the Nine O’Clock News and Alas Smith and Jones, directed the Mr Bean film and created Talkback, now one of the UK’s big producers of comedy TV.
In 1998, Mel was at a photocall at London’s Old Vic theatre to trail his appearance as a presenter of the European Film Awards. He’s presented the awards a further two occasions. Yep. Having tuned their trophy into a phallus, they invited him back:
WITH FRAGRANT FRENCH ACTRESS CAROLE BOUQUE
EVERYONE, save for her blessed Majesty The Queen, needs a passport to travel overseas. (A British passport is issued in the name of Her Majesty, so it is unnecessary for The Queen to possess one.) This mean that Her Majesty need not pose for the dreaded passport photo – small relief given that her head is scrutinised on coinage and stamps.
Britishers applying for a passport should submit an exacting photograph:
Your photo may be rejected unless it shows you:
facing forward and looking straight at the camera
with a neutral expression and your mouth closed
without anything covering the face
in clear contrast to the background
without a head covering (unless it’s worn for religious or medical reasons)
with eyes open, visible and free from reflection or glare from glasses
with your eyes not covered by sunglasses, tinted glasses, glasses frames or hair
without any shadows in the picture
In this gallery of passports, we see how the rich and famous coped with posing for tiny picture that would be scrutinised by lantern-jawed officialdom.
Passports issued in the 1950s to John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier Kenned.
The stamps forms an almost perfect target about his head.
FAMOUS people and animals. Do the pets make the famous faces look more of less lovable? Are the pets just props?
FORMER Atomic Kitten singer Jenny Frost has been taking about plastic surgery. Will she let her children have some?
“By the time [my children] are 17, people might be having boobs put on their heads! Or different boobs for different occasions — sexy Kate Moss boobs for a slinky evening dress, or Pamela Anderson knockers for a bikini!”
REGULARLY, people unfairly chide women for their inability to throw, however, popstar Carly Rae Jepsen have gone and thrown a ball so badly that it might keep bozos in jokes for the rest of their lives.
Jepsen was left amused and embarrassed by her lame attempt at throwing the first pitch at a baseball game.
She was invited to throw the traditional first pitch at the Tampa Bay Rays game against the Houston Astros, however, what transpired was worse than Diana Ross’ penalty during the opening ceremony for the ’94 World Cup.
Fox Sports commentators noted that Jepsen had actually thrown several impressive strikes during practice, which is no use to anyone, especially Jepsen.
Jepsen laughed off the pitch on Twitter later, describing it as a “fail”.
“So apparently I made ESPN with my fail of a pitch. Lol- Daddy must be so proud.”
OBJECTS of desire: the Elton John hand-painted toilet seat. Life the seat, Rocket Man:
Sartre: … I ended up having a nervous breakdown.
Gerassi: You mean the crabs?
Satre: Yeah, after I took mescaline, I started seeing crabs around me all the time. They followed me in the streets, into class. I got used to them. I would wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, my little ones, how did you sleep?” I would talk to them all the time. I would say, “O.K., guys, we’re going into class now, so we have to be still and quiet,” and they would be there, around my desk, absolutely still, until the bell rang.
Gerassi: A lot of them?
Sartre: Actually, no, just three or four.
Grassi: But you knew they were imaginary?
Sartre: Oh, yes. But after I finished school, I began to think I was going crazy, so I went to see a shrink, a young guy then with whom I have been good friends ever since, Jacques Lacan. We concluded that it was fear of being alone, fear of losing the camaraderie of the group. You know, my life changed radically from my being one of a group, which included peasants and workers, as well as bourgeois intellectuals, to it being just me and Castor. The crabs really began when my adolescence ended. At first, I avoided them by writing about them — in effect, by defining life as nausea — but then as soon as I tried to objectify it, the crabs appeared. And then they appeared whenever I walked somewhere. Not when I was writing, just when I was going someplace. … The crabs stayed with me until the day I simply decided that they bored me and that I just wouldn’t pay attention to them. And then the war came, the stalag, the Resistance, and the big political battles after the war.
From the book Talking With Sartre: Conversations and Debates.
THE latest is the row about how the royalty streams from Spotify are too low turns up in The Guardian. As you might expect from that paper there’s a great deal of indignation and not a lot of light and sense.
As background, Thom Yorke has demanded that Spotify no longer play his songs as he thinks they offer a really bad deal to musicians. So, The G went out and found someone who agreed:
WE all like complaining, but would you moan about something that is 42 years old? The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) has received its first ever complaint for The Railway Children, which was first aired in 1970.
Cocksucker Blues – Groupies sex and shooting up heroin: The Rolling Stones epic and banned documentary
IN 1972, long before The Rolling Stones were pop’s Establishment act headlining Glastonbury and making Prince Harry and smug BBC DJs dance in their yurts, they were rebellion personified. It was the year Robert Frank created the documentary Cocksucker Blues. When they saw the film shot on tour, some of them hated it enough to block its release.
HOW’S life treating Paul Hollywood, the TV baker who packed his scales and went to America? Well, the 46-year-old left his wife (49) and family to allegedly romance a 34-year-old TV presenter called Marcella Valladolid, his co-host on the The American Baking Competition.
What can he do to make things better, to heel the pain his family have gone through and show them it’s not all about him? Why, he can talk to the Sun:
Speaking to The Sun, Paul, 46, said son Joshua got nosebleeds as the stress of his parents’ split took its toll on the 11-year-old.
OPERATION Yewtree calls The Wombles.
Mike Batt wrote their music. He went on the record:
In 1974 The Wombles were the biggest selling act in the U.K. It all came about by my being hired to do the music for this little TV series, five minutes long, that the BBC did. These funny little puppet things being stop-animated into rather twee adventures picking up litter on Wimbledon Common. Instead of getting the £200 fee for it, I asked if I could have the character rights to the music. That was worth nothing, because there was no band or anything, so they gave me that instead.
LIKE you, we’ve been wondering why Star Trek actress Zoe Saldana turned to acting? She explains:
“When I was in my teens, I had a job at Burger King. Then one day I was in the middle of a transaction, and realised that I didn’t enjoy it any more. I said to the manager there and then: ‘Can you finish this?’ and quit.”
Still in her teens, Saldana realised Burger King wasn’t for her. Millions of teenagers with jobs in McDonalds, KFC, Wimby and even a few branches of Eat and Pret A Manger are right now revisiting their life choices and saying, ‘Whatever. I’m going for a smoke’…
WHERE JLS lead, Daft Punk follow. Behold the Get Lucky condoms. Daft Punk’s message is just about having sex. JLS wanted their Johnnies to alter our minds:
JENNIFER Lopez, aka Jenny who owns the block, is the subject of a W Magazine article in which she returns to her roots in New York’s Bronx:
She turned away from the house and went to her dressing-room trailer, where she would be transformed into the star she had dreamed of becoming. An hour later, she was swathed in a mink coat and high black patent-leather stilettos, her hair styled in a shoulder-length wave. Lopez walked the street as if it were a runway. She asked an assistant to hold up a full-length mirror so she could watch—and direct—her performance for the camera. Eventually, she posed in front of the house that made her. Two children, who live there now, ran into the yard behind her. Lopez turned and smiled. I was you, she seemed to be saying. And now I’m me.
Jenny, who already has a 21-strong fragrance range - one smells of “the way a woman feels when she discovers herself“; another of “a special glow that women get when they’re pregnant and falling in love with their babies” – appears to be living her as if existing in a perfume commercial. This one will be called Bronx Cheer – top notes of wet Dalmatian puppy over essence of new money and Orbit mint gum…
MICHAEL Caine shares with us the power of not blinking,. He keeps on going…. and going… in this acting workshop:
That’s an extract from a film acting class.. You can watch it all:
IN October 1978, when Jimmy Savile was in his paedo pomp, seducing kids on the BBC with the vow that Jim’ll Fix It and spinning the discs on Radio 1, Johnny Rotten wanted to murder him. In this clip, John Lydon talks about killing the protected Savile.
The interview features on Public Image’s album Religion Attack. This part about Savile never did make the Beeb’s final cut for broadcast:
Westboro Baptist Church writes Taylor’s Swift’s album sleeve notes – ‘THE WHORISH FACE OF DOOMED AMERICA’
IT’S widely held belief that getting slammed and damned by the Westboro Baptist Church is an enviable badge of honour. If you upset them, then it’s a nailed-on certainty that your living life well. So, then, to their WBC’s press release on ex-boyfriend-powered chanteur Taylor Swift:
@TaylorSwift13 works her “girl next door” country-singer shtick, while hopping from one young man to the next and strutting across the world stage like a proud whore. She is wildly popularly, especially among young ladies, with over 29M followers on Twitter, and thus a giant platform.
THE WHORISH FACE OF DOOMED AMERICA
When did the WBC start writing sleeve notes? Slap that on the cover of Taylor’s autobiography and CDs and watch those unites shift…
Professor Green calls female journalist a ‘fat whore’ for invading his privacy – works for Chinese mobile phone company accused of spying
WHEN The People’s Katie Hind wrote about Professor Green, the singer was upset.
but this woman @katiehind wrote a disgusting article of which the tone was disgusting and belittling and basically gave away my address
She practically printed my address – she’s a fat pig faced c**t of a no news whore.”
It’s an invasion of privacy, then, by a woman who sells herself to her paymaster? This makes her in Green’s eyes a “whore”, a “c**t” and a “fat pig”. He adds:
I had my life and privacy put at risk by this woman and people have the cheek to defend her? what did i ever do to her? these scum bag showbiz journalists need a f**king wake up call.
He then advised:
treat people how you wish to be treated. there’s not another woman in this industry I’ve met who wouldn’t tell you what a gentleman i am.
Hind, The People’s Showbiz Editor and gossip columnist – “She brings you the latest celebrity news from the A listers” – may care to note the Professor’s relationship with a company called ZTE:
Professor Green has partnered with ZTE Corporation to promote the UK launch of the ZTE Grand X dual-core smartphone… This follows a previous partnership between ZTE and the musician in 2011.
Says the Prof:
“ZTE is a great, innovative brand that is really shaking things up with their new mobile phones. With gigs and shows all the time in different countries, I am constantly on the move, so anything that enables people to watch videos, listen to music and play games on their phone gets my vote!”
What do we know about ZTE? Reuters reports:
ZTE said in March 2012 that it would curtail business in Iran following a report by Reuters that it sold Iran’s largest telecoms firm a powerful surveillance system capable of monitoring telephone and Internet communications. The company is now facing a U.S. criminal investigation over the issue.
The BBC reported:
The European Union is investigating whether China illegally subsidised several of its telecommunications companies – including ZTE – to enable them to grow quickly and overtake the likes of Nokia and Alcatel.
At a recent meeting to discuss the matter, Beijing warned that if Brussels pressed ahead with its investigation, there would be severe retaliation against other western industries such as motoring and agriculture.
The Financial Times quoted a source familiar with the events as saying: “Put it this way: it’s not like they went for a beer after and watched football.”
The Smoking Gun alleged:
The FBI has opened a criminal investigation targeting a leading Chinese telecommunications firm that allegedly conspired to illegally ship hardware and software purchased from U.S. tech firms to Iran’s government-controlled telecom company, a violation of several federal laws and a trade embargo imposed on the outlaw Islamic nation, The Smoking Gun has learned.
The federal probe, launched earlier this year, has also uncovered evidence that officials with the Chinese company, ZTE Corporation (ZTE), are “engaged in an ongoing attempt to corruptly obstruct and impede” a Department of Commerce inquiry into the tainted $130 million Iranian transaction, according to a confidential FBI affidavit.
Officials with ZTE allegedly began plotting to cover up details of the Iranian deal after Reuters reported on the transaction in late-March. The news agency revealed that the telecom equipment sold to Iran was a “powerful surveillance system capable of monitoring landline, mobile, and Internet communications.” Included in the material sent to Iran were products manufactured by U.S. firms like Microsoft, Oracle, Cisco Systems, Dell, and Symantec.
Concerned that they could no longer “hide anything” in the wake of the Reuters report, ZTE lawyers discussed shredding documents, altering records, and lying to U.S. government officials, according to an insider’s account provided to FBI agents by a Texas lawyer who last year began serving as general counsel of ZTE’s wholly owned U.S. subsidiary. ZTE, the world’s fourth largest telecom equipment manufacturer, is publicly traded, though its controlling shareholder is a Chinese state-owned enterprise.
Time magazine asked:
Are Chinese Telecoms Firms Really Spying on Americans?
What says the privacy-loving, anti-whoring Professor?
PS – ZTE deny spying.
TRUE **it. The Zombie beats The Cowboy:
“Sometime in 2011 the total number of film plots with the keyword ‘zombie’ passed the number of film plots with the keyword ‘cowboy,’ according to the Internet Movie Database. One might argue that the zombie has become the great American archetype of the postmodern era, as the cowboy was the American archetype a century ago. With the release of Brad Pitt’s $200 million zombie epic World War Z, what used to be the stuff of low-budget shockers has entered the American cultural mainstream. Therein lies a lesson.”
HOW’S life treating unmarried middle-aged mum-of-none Jennifer Aniston*. This week, she’s eaten a McDonald’s:
“I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry. The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system.”
* How Old Mrs Anorak likes to describe Our Jen.