Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Director Ron Fricke and producer Mark Magidson created SAMSARA (a Sanskrit word that means “the ever turning wheel of life”).
This section deals with cheap protein.
LIAM And Noel Gallagher love a good put-downs. Here are some of there best. It might even be a top ten.
Liam on Pete Doherty
“What does the word Libertine mean? Freedom!. He’s in the corner doing smack with a helmet on his head. There’s nothing free about that. It’s nasty.”
Noel on George Harrison:
“George was always the ‘Quiet Beatle’, maybe he should keep that up”
Noel On Liam:
“I read these interviews with him and I don’t know who the guy is who’s in these interviews, he seems really cool, because the guy I’ve been in a band with for the last 18 years is a fu*king knobhead.”
Noel on Jack White
“Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts.”
Noel on Madonna
“Six hours! In a gym! You sleep for eight, right – so that’s 14 gone already. What do you do with your one hour off? Do you want to get so supple that you can eventually stick your own head up your arse?”
Liam on Bono (Mr G9)
“Play ‘One,’ shut the fu*k up about Africa.”
Noel (Manchester City fan) on Gary Neville (former Manchester United player)
“If Mr Neville continues to use the holy scriptures of Oasis to communicate with the Cockney massive, I shall be forced to come up to Cheshire in the middle of the night and break into his house. I will then tie him to a chair, make him listen to the ‘Best of Simply Red’ while I pull his tash out one grey hair at a time, with my teeth, liberate those Oasis CD’s and shit in his manbag. You have been warned!”
Noel on Westlife
“There is no God.”
Noel on Victoria Beckham
“WHY IS POSH BECKHAM WRITING A F***ING BOOK OF HER MEMOIRS? SHE CAN’T EVEN CHEW CHEWING GUM AND WALK IN A F***ING STRAIGHT LINE AT THE SAME TIME, LET ALONE WRITE A BOOK.”
Noel on Liam
“Liam got a Rolex. I got a Rolls Royce. Which is brilliant, cos I can’t drive and Liam can’t tell the time.”
Noel on the media and Jay Z
Noel on Liam
“He is Abbott to my Costello, he is Cannon to my Ball, he is Little to my Large”
Noel on Tim Lovejoy
Tim: “It was Liam’s birthday the other day weren’t it?”
Tim:”What did you get him?”
Noel:”(laughs) Nothing, we’re not girls, Tim..”
Noel on Blue
“I wish Blur were dead, John Lennon was alive and the Beatles would reform.”
Noel on Liam
“He thinks he’s Abel, for some weird reason. And I thought ‘right, well if you think you’re Abel, that must make me Cain. Didn’t Cain kill Abel?’”
Noel on Lady Gaga
“TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW, WILL WE LISTEN TO LADY GAGA? NO. SHE MIGHT THINK SHE IS MAKING A STAND FOR THE FREAKS AND THE WEIRDOS. BUT THEY’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY DECENT F***ING MUSIC TO PLAY ARE THEY?”
Noel on Liam
“Liam? He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup.”
Watch this space…
KAT Garraway isn’t always on the telly. And when the fruity mare isn’t why not slap a few photos of her over the screen?
THANKS to Daniel Radcliffe, we’ve just finished rummaging around Rihanna and Limmy’s bins because, because he just gave everyone permission to be a nosy parker. He said that celebrities using social media cannot expect privacy if they’re posting updates around the clock.
This is why he has steered clear of social media. Presumably, the Harry Potter star has maximum privacy from paps and the like.
“I don’t have Twitter and I don’t have Facebook and I think that makes things a lot easier,” he told Sky News. “If you go on Twitter and tell everybody what you’re doing moment to moment and then claim you want a private life, no one is going to take that request seriously.”
He added that there were “certain things you can do to make it a lot easier on yourself” as a famous face.
“If you don’t, for instance, go to premieres that aren’t for a film you’re in, or don’t just turn up at other events and stuff like that, then that’s going to help to not fuel the interest”.
George Clooney, only last week, said something similar to Radcliffe’s views on social media, telling Esquire magazine that he couldn’t understand “why any famous person would ever be on Twitter”, adding: “Why on God’s green earth would you be on Twitter? Because first of all, the worst thing you can do is make yourself more available, right?”
Of course, it is completely fine for some people to not want Twitter, but really, you would’ve thought that two smart people like George and Daniel would’ve realised that being online isn’t the same as opening your front door to someone. By their reasoning, anyone on social media loses their right to privacy, even if they’re not famous and not tweeting about where they are and what they’re doing.
This all reeks of those times awful, dreadful, pretentious bands say that they’re not doing any interviews to promote their albums. What this actually means is that they’re not doing any promotion, to promote their albums.
Either way, those slebs not on Twitter – with any luck, the press will be so curious about them that they’ll end up getting their privacy intruded more than those who are online.
MANY have waited for Justin Bieber to go a bit mental. When he first came out, he was too saccharine. He was just too sweet. Then, when his balls decided to drop, he started acting up. He got a bunch of tattoos, swore at some press people, nearly had a baby with a woman he’d never met and spat off a balcony at his fans.
How we all cheered that a young man’s brain was imploding!
ONCE upon a time “underage sex” was a selling point used by The Rolling Stones’ marketing department. Back in 1994 for the Stones’ Voodoo Lounge tour, the legend went:
“Stones Withstand Divorce, Slander, Rip-Offs, Slagging, Under-Age Sex, Alcohol, Drugs”
MUSICIANS are adorable aren’t they? They’re never too bright and they get silly ideas and see them through without thinking about it. Look at Johnny Borrell’s entire career. Look at Thom Yorke thinking he’s a clever man. It’s sweet.
Anyway, rapper Watsky has had to apologise for being ‘stupid and wildly irresponsible’ after leaping from a lighting rig and injuring two people during a London gig.
Performing at the Vans Warped Tour at Alexandra Palace, he decided to climb up the light rigging and leap from 30ft in the air into the crowd.
YOU may or may not be aware, Noel Edmonds is making his way to the pop charts with an unlikely appearance in a dance track (warning, it is rather abrasive).
You can hear it below. Of course, he’s not the first radio DJ to have a stab at the charts, so with that, let us look at some of the weird and wonderful moments in pop music when radio jockeys ended up in the beast they presided over.
Candice Cannes’ Are You Ready features Noel Edmonds in his Deal Or No Deal guise while a woman mutters nonsense in a seductive voice.
THE Beatles At The BBC.
London calling all “Beatle People”
TWO decades ago, the Great Beatles Revival began with the release of the double CD album Live at the BBC. Like their regular albums, it duly hit number one on both sides of the Atlantic, and shifted no fewer than five million copies in the couple of months. Now the original set has been remastered and reissued simultaneously with a further collection: On Air – Live at the BBC Volume 2.
Both sets consist of radio interviews and performances from the mid-Sixties, and together they provide a fascinating picture of the biggest band of all time – at a time when such a concept was meaningless. This is an evocative and fascinating reminder of an era in which the Beatles were making their own rules, and bursting exponentially from the cosy confines of post-war light entertainment like a small child outgrowing successive pairs of shoes.
WANT to hear Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball in G-major. To augment the horror, the musical subversive inverted the colours on Miley’s hammer-licking vid.
CAN we agree whose side we are on in this story from Beacon Hill, Highclere, in Hampshire?
Around midnight last Saturday, police rocked up to a rave.
Some of the revellers threw things at Hampshire and Thames Valley Police’s finest. A Hampshire Constabulary spokesman tells us: “Officers were subjected to violence, including missiles thrown at them, which resulted in six officers sustaining non-serious injuries. It is believed between about 80 and 100 people attended the illegal event. We will continue to take every measure possible to prevent any such illegal music events from happening… in the future.”
Music events should all be legal and policed and licensed. Say no to spontaneity. Like Glastonbury, music should be policed and made reassuringly expensive to keep the riff-raff out.
STOCKWELL Road isn’t the most exciting and handsome of roads. It may have been once, but the Luftwaffe and the usual unimaginative sixties south London redevelopment put paid to that. It’s got a skateboard park, if that’s your thing, and David Bowie was born in a road just off it, but even he moved to Bromley when he was six. And that’s about it, to most people in the area it’s just a road that joins up Stockwell and Brixton.
TONIGHT, I’ll be Lidl Wain in a swag carrier bag:
OPRAH Winfrey tells the BBC that President Barack Obama attracts “disrespect” because he’s black.
“There’s a level of disrespect for the office that occurs. And that occurs in some cases and maybe even many cases because he’s African American. There’s no question about that and it’s the kind of thing nobody ever says but everybody’s thinking it.”
IN 1966 Pete Townshend wrote about the Dipso Asbo Fatso British public. He called it Fat Lazy People.
The song was recorded by the Barron Knights, a group famous for spoof songs, such as this Santa-Floyd mash-up
Photo: Easter kiss for Duke D’Mond from his wife Pauline Palmer, at Heathrow Airport saying goodbye to him and his fellow Barron Knights, left to right; Barron Anthony, Dave Ballinger, P’Nut Langford and Buth Baker at the start of a six week tour. Date: 27/03/1970
And there was this, a Taste Of Aggro (with apologies to The Smurfs.)
Before that, The Knights were a proper band whose claim to fame was being the only outfit to tour with both the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.
They could, after all, do passable impressions of all the greats:
Here’s the song:
Lazy and fat they are, they are.
And because they are all the same..
They laugh and exclaim
“The young are so funny”
They burn in the sun, the sun
And though painfully pink, when it rains
They always complain
“We all paid our money.”
Oh! The lazy fat people
Are a terrible sight to see.
And the lazy fat people will
Get the better of you and me…….
Lazy and fat they are, they are.
Their children diet till thin
To leave more for them
“To save us some money.”
Oh! The lazy fat people will
Try to sit on you and me
If we dont watch out theyll
Get the better of you and me.
How to tell the young from the
Lazy fat is easy to do…..
Take it away, Pete:
ACCORDING to the brother of comedy legend, Andy Kaufman, the star faked his own death in 1984 and is still alive. Appearing at an award show named in Andy’s honour, Michael Kaufman said he had received a letter from his brother, confirming he was alive, in 1999.
He then introduced a woman who claimed to be Andy’s 24-year-old daughter.
Of course, bizarre things like this, farcical situations, uncomfortable silences, half truths and all that fun stuff, followed Andy Kaufman wherever he went. This is likely to be another case.
BY now you’ll be wondering what Miley Cyrus has been up to. Well, she’s got a new tattoo. This one features a face of her grandmother and the legend: “Because I am her favourite & she is mine.”
Grandma is Loretta Finley, mother to Miley’s mother Leticia “Tish” Cyrus.
Letitia and Miley’s father Billy Ray Cyrus have two other children, Braison Chance (born 1994)
and Noah Lindsey (born 2000).
Leticia has two other children from a previous relationship: Brandi (born 1987)
and Trace (born 1989).
And Loretta had her favourite. Look, the rest of you. It says so on Miley’s arm. In yer face, losers.
Christmas dinner should be fun. Right, mum?
BRITNEY Spears is back. And to herald her return to Anorak’s pages, a new perfume. Her sheets have been scraped, her towels wrung out over a buckets and her underwear and hair ground to a fine powder. And you can now smell of Circus Fantasy.
According to the blurb:
The spectacle opens with juicy accords of sugar-coated raspberry and apricot blossom, reminiscent of tempting candy.
It’s stickier than Noddy’s bell on the roundabout.
The magic continues as blue peony, waterlily and addictive red sweetheart orchid take the limelight with delicious sensations and exhilarating temptations. The grand finale is a captivating sense of seductive sensuality, blending sweet vanilla wood, creamy musks and violet candy.
To recap: smells of lion’s breath and clown farts.
Comes in handy atomiser – see above.
FLASHBACK to 03/11/1973: Faces of celebrities in various walks of life illustrate the cover of a new long-playing record, Band on the Run, from the Paul McCartney group, Wings. From left,…
Well, can you name them all? Scroll down for the famous names, or VIPs , as they were called back then:
GREAT Ads: Jean-Claude Van Damme for Volvo:
COMPARE and contrast:
Lorraine Kelly comment: Lying cheating Katie of The Apprentice won’t get another job – P11 of the Sun, Saturday, June 9, 2007
A white poppy is utter poppycock – Feisty … Katie Hopkins is our new columnist – The Sun, November 1, 2013
“Lying, cheating Katie ” did work again!
“Taxman” – “It sounds like a cross between the Who and Batman. It’s a bit limited, but the Beatles get over this by the sexy double-tracking. It’s surprising how sexy double-tracking makes a voice sound.”
“Eleanor Rigby” – “I bought a Haydn LP the other day and this sounds just like it. It’s all sort of quartet stuff and it sounds like they’re out to please music teachers in primary schools. I can imagine John saying: ‘I’m going to write this for my old schoolmistress’. Still it’s very commercial.”
“I’m Only Sleeping” – “It’s a most beautiful song, much prettier than ‘Eleanor Rigby’. A jolly old thing, really, and definitely the best track on the album.
“Love You Too” – “George wrote this – he must have quite a big influence on the group now. This sort of song I was doing two years ago – now I’m doing what the Beatles were doing two years ago. It’s not a bad song – it’s well performed which is always true of a Beatles track.”
“Here There and Everywhere” – “This proves that the Beatles have got good memories, because there are a lot of busy chords in it. It’s nice – like one instrument with the voice and the guitar merging. Third best track on the album.”
“Yellow Submarine” – “”This is a load of rubbish, really. I take the mickey out of myself on the piano and play stuff like this. I think they know it’s not that good.”
“She Said She Said” – “This song is in to restore confidence in old Beatles sound. That’s all.”
“Good Day Sunshine” – “This’ll be a giant. It doesn’t force itself on you, but it stands out like ‘I’m Only Sleeping’. This is back to the real old Beatles. I just don’t like the electronic stuff. The Beatles were supposed to be like the boy next door only better.”
“And Your Bird Can Sing” – “Don’t like this. The song’s too predictable. It’s not a Beatles song at all.”
“Dr. Robert” – “It’s good – there’s a 12-bar beat and bits in it that are clever. Not my sort of thing, though.”
“I Want To Tell You” – “This helps the LP through though it’s not up to the Beatles standard.”
“Got To Get You Into My Life” – “Jazz backing – and it just goes to prove that Britain’s jazz musicians can’t swing. Paul’s sings better jazz than the musicians are playing which makes nonsense of people saying jazz and pop are very different. Paul sounds like Little Richard. Really, it’s the most vintage Beatles track on the LP.”
“Tomorrow Never Knows” – “Listen to all those crazy sounds! It’ll be popular in discotheques. I can imagine they had George Martin tied to a totem pole when they did this.”
“This is the first Beatles LP I’ve really listened to in it’s entirety but I must say there are better songs on ‘Rubber Soul’. Still, ‘I’m Only Sleeping’ is a standout. ‘Good Day Sunshine is second best and I also like ‘Here, There and Everywhere.’ But I don’t want to be harsh about the others. The balance and recording technique are as good as ever.”
ABBEY Clancy, Strictly Come Dancing pro-celeb hoofer and wife to footballer Peter Crouch (What would you be if you weren’t a footballer, Peter? PC: “A virgin”) wore Julien Macdonald’s patchwork of seaside beach flags to The Brave Gala at Dorchester Hotel, Park Lane, London. Signs are that Dear Abbey thought it was contest for who could be bravest.
Our pick of the photos, though, is not Abbey holding the seat of her patriotic table runner in the manner of Justin Bieber with a full pull-up, but she and Julien gazing into each other’s teeth.
EVER on the look out for great pop tributes, her’s the Johnny Cash Converters in Epsom.
ROD Stewart and the rest of The Faces played London’s Marquee Club in December of 1970. Ron Wood, Kenny Jones, Ronnie Lane, Ian McLagen never looked better than in this video recorded for German TV “WDR”.
If the camera was any closer, one sniff and you’d be inside one of rock’s greatest noses: