Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
I HESITATED using the word “worst” since many of these are novelty songs, which are intentionally strange or humorous rather than attempting to be a genuinely serious musical composition. However, that doesn’t erase the fact that they, like all the songs in this list, are simply unlistenable, intolerable, and unbearable. These songs are so bad you will be tempted to escape and click your “back” button. But I encourage you to see it through – press on, and see what sort of stuff you’re made of.
WHEN someone in Hip Hop does something bad, it gets blanket coverage. Papers will run stories about artists big in the rap game, but not exactly household names. Worse still for those that are well known. They’re hauled over coals and every two-bit writer starts penning opinion pieces on whether or not Hip Hop is inherently bad, while offering mealy-mouthed “hey, some of my best friends are rap albums!” by way of cred-seeking.
Hip Hop’s cousin, Heavy Metal (or Hard Rock, or whatever) is usually the only one willing to give rappers a day off. When Metal is tacked to a crime, people start writing worthless pieces about devil worshipping and using disenfranchised lyrics as proof that rock bands actually want their fans to commit crimes.
Daily Mail’s Jobsite Refuses To Find Work For ‘Incomprehensible’ Piers Morgan (The Paper’s Columnist)
PIERS Morgan, removed from his chatshow slot by CNN, is the subject of a tweet by Jobsite:
Jobsite is owned by DMG media – owners of the,yep, Daily Mail, where Morgan is employed to write about his fabulous life.
PIERS Morgan’s CNN TV show is to end.
Three years after taking over for Larry King, ratings for Piers Morgan Live have not matched rivals such as Fox News and MSNBC causing network president Jeffrey Zucker to decide to pull the plug on the British journalist….
‘It’s been a painful period and lately we have taken a bath in the ratings,’ Morgan told The New York Times.
Plans for a replacement are underway, but Morgan and the network are in talks about him remaining on the air in a different role.
RECENTLY, you may have seen the terrible depiction of Kurt Cobain in statue form, in Aberdeen (the American one, not the Scottish one). The statue, below, features Cobain looking like a wino busker, crying.
Actually crying. Because Kurt was so sensitive. Maaaaaaaan.
Of course, most people’s memories of Kurt where a little more fun and energetic, rather than the maudlin monstrosity that is roundly being mocked by the whole internet.
Of course, Kurt Cobain isn’t the only famous person to get a statue of themselves. Crucially, he’s not the only famous person to have a UTTERLY DREADFUL statue cluttering up the world.
Benny Hill wanted his women to be more naive than he was, women who would look up to him. He also said it was fellatio he wanted, or masturbation. “But Bob, I get a thrill when they’re kneeling there, between my knees and they’re looking up at me. And I want them to call me Mr Hill, not Benny. ‘Is that all right for you , Mr Hill?’ That’s lovely, that is, I really like that,” I asked him why and he said, “well, it’s respectful.” – Bob Monkhouse (from Mark Lewisohn’s Benny Hill biography – ‘Funny, Peculiar’).
ON the morning of 19th April 1992, which was Easter Sunday morning that year, and just two hours after he had been speaking to a television producer about the possibility of yet another come-back, 75 year-old Frankie Howerd collapsed and died of heart failure.
Benny Hill, who was seven years younger than Howerd, was quoted in the press as being “very upset” and was reported as saying, “We were great, great friends”. Indeed they had been friends but he hadn’t given a quote about his fellow comedian, he hadn’t been asked for one – he couldn’t have been – because he was already dead.
A PRIME reason for heavy metal’s success is that it is a culture unto itself. Fads come and go, but a culture has staying power. It comes with its own dress code, etiquette and idolatry. A small but important part of that culture is the album cover – the visual representation of the music, the heart of the heavy metal universe. If you’re a metal band, it’s imperative you get this facet right. So, let’s tour through some metal covers from the 1980s, a time when heavy metal was king, and learn from their successes and failures.
LESSON 1: THE 6 REQUIREMENTS
THE Sun continues to be amazed that single, successful women have sex. But it realises that women who do have sex (as is alleged) would prefer to remain anonymous. Men, on the other hand ,would like everyone know who they’ve shagged.
Both scoops are from today’s pisspoor Sun on Sunday.
(Bring back the News of The World. We miss it.)
IDIOTS keep saying the music industry is dying. Of course it isn’t. Have you seen how much money they spent on The Brits? If they’re skint, award shows would be held in a pub function room with darts trophies handed to the three remaining artists who have been daft enough to sign to a record company.
No, the record industry is doing just fine.
ALBERT Hall was born in Kansas…on a farm. He was not born in London. He is not to be confused with the concert Hall.
FLASHBACK to August 3, 1972: Little Richard, the American rock singer, is seen with a football for a change. He and ‘screaming’ Lord Sutch, who is carrying a parrot at the Stadium in Wembley.
Well, they would buy it once they’re pocket had been emptied by this TV advert:
WITH J.J. Abrams’ Star Wars Episode VII in the pipeline comes the news that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fisher will reprise their iconic roles in the George Lucas franchise for the first time in over thirty years, since 1983’s Return of the Jedi.
What impacts have time and ageing had upon courageous Empire-busting rebels Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia?
FLASHBACK to October 6 1943: Actress Tallulah Bankhead, who won the Drama Critics Award in 1948 for her performance in the Thornton Wilder Pulitzer prize play, Skin of Our Teeth, has returned to Hollywood after an absence of 11 years. She will have the role of Mrs. Porter in Lifeboat, a Twentieth Century-Fox picture, directed by Alfred Hitchcock. He read her 90 pages of the script over the phone to New York, and then she headed Westward. Miss Bankhead and Mr. Hitchcock dining in Hollywood, Los Angeles.
Alfred Hitchcock would later note on Tallulah Bankhead flashing the crew: “I don’t know if this is a matter for the costume department or hairdressing.”
YOU will no doubt have seen the state of the Ukraine at the moment. Some of the images that have come from that corner of the world have been powerful, depressing, exciting and downright upsetting.
Kiev was ablaze and government snipers picked off Ukrainians at random and the whole bloody, gory thing was enough to make you hide under your bedsheets and cry forever.
Five Reasons Why Miley Cyrus Stuffs A Thong In Her Mouth And Simulates Oral Sex On A Bill Clinton Impersonator
QUESTIONS everyone born in the 1990s is asking:
Why does Miley Cyrus, in her current show, “stuff a thong in her mouth and simulate oral sex on a Bill Clinton impersonator”?
Is it because:
a) Bill Clinton was unable to be there in person.
FLASHBACK: 17/05/1964. Music – Lord Willis listens to the Yardbirds in his back garden – 1964
Lord Willis, who recently attacked ‘The Beatle Cult’ in a House of Lords speech is pictured with his daughter Sally, as they listen to the Yardbirds in the back garden of his home in Shepherd’s Green, Chislehurst, Kent. The Yardbirds, a pop-group of five ex-public school boys from the Richmond area of Surrey, had unexpectedly visited Lord Willis to explain ‘what pop music is all about’. Lord Willis, the scriptwriter who created television’s ‘Dixon of Dock Green’ invited them into the garden where he was sunning himself. After a discussion, he then asked them to play. The group, who favour hairstyles short and long, are left to right: Eric Clapton, 19, Paul Samwell Smith, 21, Keith Relf, 21, Jim McCarty, 20 and Christopher Dreja, 18.
A BIG (helping) hand please for the fall guys…
A month of extreme weather and Winter Olympics has brought the downfall of members of the public…
EVERY now and then, Hollywood comes up with a good concept, and then competing studios rush to ruthlessly exploit it. Remember the summer of 1998, and dueling asteroid pictures Armageddon and Deep Impact?
Or 1988, the year of the “body switch” movie like Big, Vice Versa and 18 Again?
LAST night, at the spectacularly dreadful Brit Awards, David Bowie won some award and sent Kate Moss to do his acceptance speech. In it, he signed off with “stay with us Scotland.”
Of course, what’s funny about that is, is that Bowie lives in New York, because obviously, Bowie cares so much for the unity of Britain, that he’s buggered off to live in America. He obviously missed the letter England wrote him, which said “stay with us, David.’
Naturally, Bowie’s flippant gesture has made a load of people really angry.
READING the Mr Porter mail-out magazine Ronan Fitzgerald @rmkf spotted a segment on Warren Beatty. As he says, “Pretty harsh on Annette Bening”:
HAVE you been wasting precious hours of your day wondering where A Flock of Seagulls got their name? Well, wonder no more. Before your very eyes are the etymologies of 1980s pop-synth and post-punk bands, illuminated for posterity. No more shall mankind contemplate the origin of Kajagoogoo. Mystery solved.
Named after a gang of children that Geldof had read about in Woody Guthrie’s autobiography, Bound for Glory.
Trevor Horn imagined a futuristic computer creating a synthetic band “The Buggles”, a corruption of The Beatles
Dexy’s Midnight Runners
Dexedrine, a brand of dextroamphetamine – the original ADHD medication, and a once popular recreational stimulant.
Any excuse to hear this. (Cue the school disco frenzy.)
Named after the villain in Barbarella, Dr. Durand Durand
Fine Young Cannibals
From the 1960 film All the Fine Young Cannibals starring Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood.
A Flock of Seagulls
Taken from the lyrics to “Toiler on the Sea” by The Stranglers
We ventured overland
Fought with the aliens
The young ones used their hands
Pointed the way to a flock
A flock of seagulls!
Frankie Goes to Hollywood
A random headline from the New Yorker magazine (the “Frankie” in question referred to Frank Sinatra)
A fictional band mentioned in Anthony Burgess’s novel, A Clockwork Orange.
Named after the board game. The heavy metal umlauts were added for effect.
Inspired by the band XTC and Australian jam makers IXL, they decided on a foreshortened version of “inaccessible”.
Jesus and Mary Chain
Allegedly from a breakfast cereal package which advertised that you could send off for a free Jesus and Mary chain.
A slight variation on a baby’s first sounds: gaga googoo
42 as in the answer to the meaning of life in the Douglas Adams book The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy
Love and Rockets
After the Jaime and Mario Hernandez alternative comic books
Homage to Madness a song by reggae artist Prince Buster.
Ready to the the Rude Boy dance that anyone could do (again, any excuse):
Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark
They wanted a name that in no way would confuse them as a punk band. I think they succeeded.
Named after the Platters song The Great Pretender.
Public Image, Ltd.
After the Muriel Spark novel The Public Image
A homage to the Italian Marxist writer and political theorist Antonio Gramsci. The correct spelling in Italian to refer to “Political Writings” would have produced “Scritti Politici, but was changed to sound like the Little Richard song Tutti Frutti.
From the David Bowie song “The Jean Genie”
“Hes so simple minded he can’t drive his module,
He bites on the neon and sleeps in the capsule”
The band’s name originally was “Red”, but when the singer had to repeatedly clarify their name as “Red, simply Red”, it seemed to stick.
A combination of the nickname of MC5’s Fred “Sonic” Smith with “Youth” from reggae artist Big Youth.
The name refers to many hangings at Spandau Prison where the victims would twitch and jump (a macabre ballet) at the end of a rope.
A facetious tribute to The Velvet Underground’s oft-derided 1973 album Squeeze.
Tears for Fears
Inspired by “primal therapy”, developed by American psychologist Arthur Janov, who had John Lennon as a patient in 1970.
From the Thompson and Thompson characters from The Adventures of TinTin
Named after a Vulcan Elder on Star Trek
Originally, Huang Chung which they claimed translated to “perfect pitch” and the sound a guitar makes. The spelling was changed from “Huang” to “Wang” simply to make it easier to pronounce.
… and there you have it. You’re welcome.
“ESCAPE (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes is great and it should be in every movie.”
But can the song make everything it touches better? Let’s see:
Pina Colada 1: The Lion King
The Silence Of The Lambs