Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
THE Daily Mail reports that “DJ Chris Evans has courted controversy after impersonating serial sex predator Jimmy Savile live on air to nearly 10 million listeners”.
Impersonating Jimmy Savile involves:
a) being dead
b) grabbing hold of children
c) becoming aPapal knight
d) looking like an identikit nonce
Once upon a time, Tom Selleck was Indian Jones…briefly:
IN the 1980s, white rap was routinely terrible. In this 1989 teen dream flick Teen Witch, the cast are forced on pain of death (we presume) to perform a rap called Top That.
The film, for those of you not in the know, is:
Louise is not very popular at her highschool. Then she learns that she’s descended from the witches of Salem and has inherited their powers. At first she uses them to get back at the girls and teachers who teased her and to win the heart of the handsome footballer’s captain. But soon she has doubts if it’s right to ‘cheat’ her way to popularity.
WHAT news of Britain’s Got Talent winner Pudsey? Well, Pudsey has been filming Pudsey: The Movie. The Watford Observer reports that he’s gone a bit Depardieu and urinated on a Bovingdon man’s car while filming in Sarratt. This might be news if Pudsey were human. But it’s a dog. When Pudsey starts urinating as he opens the batting for England, then it’s news.
The first canine winner of ITV talent show Britain’s Got Talent has been spotted in Sarratt, relieving himself on a car wheel.
Was that in the script?
In the film Simon Cowell will be the voice of a pooch pal of the Britain’s Got Talent dog, while Mr Cowell’s fellow judge David Walliams will take on the voice of Pudsey.
A talking dog?
JUST as a lack of teeth really defines a pensioner’s face, so do brand new, bright blue Hollywood veneers, as sported by half of the people you’ll ever see on the tellybox.
One notable tooth-haver is Rylan Clark, who has teeth so large, he looks just like Cleanyourteeth from Stoppit & Tidyup. So magnificent are Rylan’s gnashers, that they’ve got their own Twitter account.
Well, Rylan has hit back at critics, declaring that “half of them haven’t even got a tooth in their heads”.
BONO, Mr G9, was Heiligendamm in 2007 for the 33rd G8 summit, when members of the Make Bono History campaign – aim: “remove Bono from the public-eye and restore a sense of dignity to mankind” – spotted him:
“I was chased down the street in Germany by a bunch of anarchists at the G8 summit, wielding placards and shouting ‘Make Bono history!’ – which even as I was running for my life I thought was a pretty good line.”
THE Daily Mail continues to leer at young girls.
Back in January, thy Mail said that Heidi Klum’s daughter was a “leggy beauty”.
Heidi Klum’s daughter is eight years old. She is the Mail’s “lovely Leni”.
SINCE time immemorial singers have coloured their faces or hidden behind masks. The masks enable the singers to be freer, take on news personas and cut loose. We’ve flicked through the record archives here at Anorak Towers and now bring you the Top 10 masked pop stars and groups of all time:
Without doubt, the funniest masked band of all time, are the might Gwar. In their time, they’ve cut off limbs, given birth to ghouls and wheeled out giant menstruating beasts on stage. Their warty, demon masks are almost as important as their brand of schlock rock and god bless the lot of ‘em.
THE EDL are, clearly, upset about lots of things and you wouldn’t want them turning up outside your house unannounced (people have a hard enough time when they turn out unannounced in their town).
Now, Tulisa Contostavlos is being ‘targeted’ by EDL leader Tommy Robinson. The singer reportedly called police after spotting the English Defence League leader outside her home.
IN 1983 Dennis Hopper went to Rice University in Houston, Texas. Students piled onto buses. They followed Hopper to Houston’s Big H Speedway. His arrival was announced thus:
“Stick around folks and watch a famous Hollywood film personality perform the Russian Dynamite Death Chair Act. That’s right, folks, he’ll sit in a chair with six sticks of dynamite and light the fuse.”
Rice News reported:
Dennis Hopper, at one with the shock wave, was thrown headlong in a halo of fire. For a single, timeless instant he looked like Wile E. Coyote, frazzled and splayed by his own petard. Then billowing smoke hid the scene. We all rushed forward, past the police, into the expanding cloud of smoke, excited, apprehensive, and no less expectant than we had been before the explosion. Were we looking for Hopper or pieces we could take home as souvenirs? Later Hopper would say blowing himself up was one of the craziest things he has ever done, and that it was weeks before he could hear again. At the moment, though, none of that mattered. He had been through the thunder, the light, and the heat, and he was still in one piece. And when Dennis Hopper staggered out of that cloud of smoke his eyes were glazed with the thrill of victory and spinout.
MORE epic stuff from Bono, aka Mr G21. U2′s lead singer tells Tim Adams in yesterday’s Observer about tax and moving his money out of Ireland:
Tim Adams: “The other persistent criticism is about the band’s decision to offshore part of their income through the Netherlands to avoid tax. Was it not hypocrisy for you to try to hold the Irish government to account for its spending while going through fairly exhaustive efforts to avoid paying into the Irish exchequer yourself?”
DONNY and Marie Osmond were the stars of their eponymous TV show. Between 1976 and 1979, kids tuned in to see the beaming Mormon siblings singing country-style songs. They also performed skits with star guests, performing parodies of hit films, like Star Wars (1977) and Battlestar Galactica (1978).
JD Salinger died in died in 2010 at age 91. Some of his unpublished works have been found. Cornel Bonca looks at them:
[T]his is the biggest literary “get” of the American 21st century.
The books include a World War II novel featuring Sergeant X from “From Esme,” the most intriguing character outside Holden and the Glass family that Salinger ever created. It includes a novella, in diary form, written by a World War II counterintelligence officer — Salinger’s job during the war — “culminating in the Holocaust.” Given Salinger’s war experience and his painstaking writing process, these two works could conceivably add up to a contribution to American World War II literature on a par with the work of Mailer, Jones, Heller, and Pynchon.
A third manuscript is, we’re told, a “manual of Vedanta,” a book explaining Vedanta Hinduism (and presumably, its relation to Salinger’s work), “with short stories, almost fables, woven into the text.” Finally, there are two compilations, one entitled The Family Glass, gathering all the published Glass stories together with five new storiesabout Seymour, the last of which “deals with Seymour’s life after death.” Given that once Salinger got going on the Glasses, his “stories” inevitably metastasized into novellas, this book is likely to be a real tome, and might conceivably be the greatest contribution Salinger makes to American letters, dealing as it must, with the question of how to live a genuine spiritual life in a postwar, post-Holocaust world.
Then there’s the final book, which [biographers David] Shields and [Shane] Salerno describe as “a complete history of the Caulfield family,” gatheringCatcher, six previously published (and I would imagine, wholly rewritten) Caulfield stories written in the early-to-mid 1940s, as well as new stories featuring, presumably, Holden, Phoebe, Allie, and D.B. Caulfield. Five new Salinger books! Doubtless, they will make us entirely reconceive Salinger’s current oeuvre. If the books are even close in quality to Catcher or Franny & Zooey, they might reroute the course of late 20th-century American literature.
TIME for an old school hop hop megamix. Remember how good this music was when you first heard it. Then the suits polished it into a pop-sized turd.
This video’s theme is about the culture and music of Hip Hop vs Rap. What we hope you will identify is the enormous amounts of artists, flavors, aesthetics, crews, personalities, and competition that truly made the culture of real Hip Hop. Mainstream Rap, thanks to the corporate recording industry, has essentially stripped the pillars of Hip Hop away from what they call music. Hip Hop is for and from the streets as a true life form. Mainstream Rap is for and from controlled commercial marketing practices to sell products and brands.
We are simply demonstrating the greatness of the Old School and Golden Age of Hip Hop due to its tremendous growth and trailblazing thanks to style wars and battling by being “fresh” out the box every time. Thanks to Mainstream Rap, or Hip Pop, the current market only sells “clones.”
They all sound alike, dress alike, speak alike, deliver alike, and pose alike. Same content. Same gimmicks and artificial flavors.
This is the real Attack of the Clones. We thank the real emcees and artists in the streets for delivering the real Hip Hop like People Under The Stairs, JabberWockeez, East 3, DJ Craze, and Charlie 2na.
PUPIL’S at Bryngwyn Comprehensive School have Musical Youth to remind them to pass one another on the left hand side.
Head teacher Paul Jones explains:
“The concept was an innovative and imaginative idea from pupils coming out of a school council meeting. The purpose was to improve the smooth and effective transition, as pupils and staff travel around school between busy lesson changeovers.”
LOUIS C.K. explains why his kids can’t have Smartphones:
You need to build an ability to just be yourself and not be doing something. That’s what the phones are taking away, is the ability to just sit there. That’s being a person. Because underneath everything in your life there is that thing, that empty—forever empty. That knowledge that it’s all for nothing and that you’re alone. It’s down there.
And sometimes when things clear away, you’re not watching anything, you’re in your car, and you start going, ‘oh no, here it comes. That I’m alone.’ It’s starts to visit on you. Just this sadness. Life is tremendously sad, just by being in it…
That’s why we text and drive. I look around, pretty much 100 percent of the people driving are texting. And they’re killing, everybody’s murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don’t want to be alone for a second because it’s so hard.
You are alone…
Haifaa Al-Mansour: Saudi Arabia’s first female direction on Wadjda and growing up where cinemas are forbidden
Tabloid rules: How to starve with Jude Law but not Justin Bieber or the Manchester United and Arsenal squads
NICK Curtis wants to talk about stars, like Matt Smith, Jude Law, James Corden, Benedict Cumberbatch and Damien Hirst. But he needs to find a way to work the celeb beat. So. He talks about diets as well to his Evening Standard readers:
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a newly slimline figure must be on the 5:2 diet. That, at least, is the suspicion these days whenever a male acquaintance goes from chunky to chiselled in a matter of weeks, or a star like Colin Firth turns up at the Toronto Film Festival looking a shadow of the wet-shirted Mr Darcy that he once was. Matt Smith, Jude Law and Damien Hirst are among those who have also lost a lot of heft recently, possibly on the 5:2 diet.
We don’t know for sure whether these men ARE on the diet du jour, of course…
Ut with a few hundred words to fill and keywords to hit on Google, it’s useful to guess.
In other news, Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney, the entire Arsenal squad, Prince George, David Beckham, President Assad of Syria and Justin Bieber are on the 5:2 diet. Or not…
JADEN Smith thinks that the world would be a much better place if everyone dropped out of school. Of course, he might be a bit young… and rich… and mental, for saying something so bold.
The actor and son of mega stars Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith went on a Twitter rant about the whole thing, going nutso about education and the general rules of society.
WHAT music do you hate? What music would drive you mad? We’ve trawled the archives to bring you the list of songs used by torturers to make their victims squirm. Retired US Air Force Lt-Col Dan Kuehl told the St Petersburg Times that it’s nothing new:
“Joshua’s army used horns to strike fear into the hearts of the people of Jericho. His men might not have been able to break down literal walls with their trumpets, but the noise eroded the enemy’s courage.”
Had Joshua played Cliff Richard on vuvuzelas he would have conquered the world.
In his book on experimental intelligence practices, The Men Who Stare At Goats, journalist Jon Ronson traces the technique’s origins to a 1970s military manual recommending loudspeakers playing “indigenous music and words of peace” as a means of demotivating America’s enemies – a strategy which has since left behind its New Age roots for today’s sonic onslaughts.
But what is God’s own music? How do you beat down the enemy? Why, with Now That’s What I Call Brutality:
LET’S not rush to judge. But if you music is shite and keeps me up all night (N. Gallagher), things could get messy. Mindful of that we turn to the news that 54-year-old North Charleston woman Vernett Bader, allegedly, was “wielding a knife in an assault on her roommate after he refused to stop listening to rock music by the Eagles on Monday night”.
Bader expressed that she didn’t want to listen to the band. The roommate responded by telling her to shut up, the report states.
Bader grabbed a serrated knife from a kitchen drawer and swung the weapon at the man, police said.
PIE and Mash, the traditional cockney staple, is under threat. An ageing fan base, coupled with a shortage of eels, has accelerated the decline of the traditional eel and pie shop.