Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
CAN we all agree that Jimmy Savile was convicted of not a single sex crime during his successful BBC career? Good. That is the only fact which we can all agree on without a shadow of doubt. Of course, the welter of evidence collated since his death says that Aunty’s charitable DJ lived a life as putrid as his rotting corpse. Indeed, rumours are that sex with dead bodies was not beyond his tastes.
Today, the Mirror tells its readers:
Jimmy Savile: Celebrity arrests could soar after police discover DJ’s secret lair at record shop - Names and sexual details of hundreds of girls were scrawled across huge wall in a scene from a horror film
AROUND 1970: Francis Ford Coppola produced this potential cast list for The Godfather.
THIS is one of those newspaper pieces where you have to check that the people are still living on the same planet as the rest of us. They’re talking about whether Spotify is paying enough in royalties to the musicians who produce the work. Yet they manage to miss the most basic point about the whole subject:
Spotify is selling a lie, though. In this post-Napster world, the pressure is on for new independent artists to have their music sit alongside massive acts – but we’re not getting anything back. We are told that it’s good exposure, and will lead to increased album and ticket sales, but this simply isn’t the case.
GOOD news for you Peter Andre fans – and those of you who like to know where the pop acorn is so that you can be elsewhere. The former Mr Katie Price has launched The Peter Andre Channel. Says Pete:
“Hope you’re enjoying my channel! Now you can be with me 24/7.”
WHAT if Pacific Rim was set in Britain? Yeah. Pacific Rim? As if. First off, no-one would have been able to stop sniggering. And second, well, the sniggering right. But let’s imagine. In the film the characters are called Jaegers. (Yeah. Like the middle-class, provincial fashion outlets). Almost all these Jaegers have two two-noun names created in a Tokyo language school randomiser: Brawler Yukon; Coyote Tango, Solar Prophet and the excellent Gipsy Danger.
Warner Bros’ build-your-own-Jaeger toy lets you create your own:
THE decline of Man: modern man is in a state of crisis, reared on a diet of creams, depilated, patent skin and self-tanning unguents. Here, Anorak looks at the fall of manhood.
“I never fixed my eyes, but I spent more money to stretch the skin of my testicles. I did not like the wrinkles. It’s a new technique, many people in Hollywood have done it. It’s called ‘ball ironing’.”
It is generally assumed that George Clooney was joking when he delivered the above quote. One thing is true, though: ‘ball ironing’ (or ‘male laser lift’) is available at the Beauty Park in Santa Monica for just under $600, and it is proving very popular.
Clooney may not have had the treatment himself, but his familiarity with it is cause for concern. It’s just the latest in a series of milestones in the steady emasculation of our role models. And the rot set in, as it so often did, in the 1950s.
Compton (second left, with Burt Lancaster and Frankie Vaughan) was a brilliant batsman with a Test average of 50 (including over 200 runs in one match against South Africa using an antique bat borrowed from the cricket museum). He also found time to play football for Arsenal, with whom he won both the league championship and the FA Cup. Unfortunately, he also became the face of Brylcreem, and set the tone for future generations of sportsmen to dabble in the darker corners of male grooming.
Presley offended people in numerous ways –not least with his habit of wearing eye makeup. None of which stopped him from being drafted into the US Army. Here the prospective GI sits his written military exam, in slightly more discreet slap.
As deodorant manufacturers attempted to broaden their appeal to the male half of the population, they recruited macho sporty types like Our ’Enery (’ere wiv’ ’Arvey Smiff) who here advertises Brut with the immortal slogan ‘Splash it all over’.
Big Ron: The Sunbed Years.
In his playing days as opening bat for England, ‘Goochy’ sported an imperial moustache and resembled an officer at Rourk’s Drift. His subsequent hair transplant came as something of a shock – and led to a series of rather defensive gestures. Defensive, not about the fact of the transplant, but the quality of the weave itself.
Here Gooch, as the official caption puts it, ‘test[s] his hair replacement treatment in a Central London health Gym, to disprove claims that the treatment does not work. The former England captain is at the centre of an disgreement, after a client of AHS (Advanced Hair Studio) along with the Advertising Standards Authority claimed that adverts claiming that Gooch could swim, shower, and play sport with his hair treatment were wrong and misleading.’
The signs were there as a young boy, when he enjoyed wearing knickerbockers and ballet shoes. Later we had his own take on Brylcreem advertising (above) and experiments with sarongs. His nomination here, however, is for his championing of the ‘back. sack and crack’ – the logical conclusion of the waxing mania that overtook British manhood in the twenty-first century.
Deserves his place here for his role in the general poncification of older men, with his truly terrible Just For Men advertisement – a product for disguising grey hair and beards and allowing old men to kid themselves that they are attractive to women half their age.
Cristiano Ronaldo and Rio Ferdinand
AKA: Ronaldo and Rio in hotpants hell. What were they thinking? Seriously?
He held his hands up to the hair transplant, and fair play to him for that, but Shane’s explanation for his subsequent transformation into a taught-faced waxwork is altogether less convincing: he attributed it to ‘good moisturiser’. Others spoke of botox, facelifts and teeth whitening. Wherefore art thou, Warney-o?
The citadel falls. Once upon a time the best you could hope for in a rugby union changing room was a bar of coal tar soap and a turd in your kit bag. Now you are more likely to find a range of hair and skin care products. Leinster Rugby are now sponsored by Nivea for Men. Or should that be ‘Men’?
O tempora, o mores!
YOU know how Kurt Cobain famously killed himself and joined the infamous ’27 Club’ back in the ’90s? Well, one poor cheerleader missed the memo.
From Virginia, the cheerleader – running from Homecoming Queen – wrote to Sub Pop, asking if Nirvana would be in a campaign video, showing their support for her.
LIKE classic movies? Like Vanilla Ice’s Ice Ice Baby? Of course you do. You’re not an idiot.
Well, how about both at the same time, with a fun mashup which gets Ghostbusters, Howard The Duck, Conan The Barbarian and more, rapping along to the famous hit?
LIFE mirrrors Spinal Tap – Beyonce’s hair gets caught in a fan:
OI, big head, you’ve got a hyperflesh masks of Jack Nicholson, Ron Jeremy, Mike Tyson, Barack Obama and Charlie Sheen head.
Spotter: BlessThisStuff, Landon Meier
ONCE upon a time, Charles Saatchi was a figure of mystery, a man who sold us the Conservative Party and told us that a pickled, halved shark in a vat of preservative was high art. Then he married TV cook Nigella Lawson, grabbed her throat in public and became a celebrity and tabloid mainstay. Now, in tribute to the great art collector’s life in ink and formaldehyde, an artist at the Lambeth fair has created Artichoke, a celebration of Nige and Chas in vegetables:
RIP Mel Smith. The British comic marvel died aged just 60. The star of Not the Nine O’Clock News and Alas Smith and Jones, directed the Mr Bean film and created Talkback, now one of the UK’s big producers of comedy TV.
In 1998, Mel was at a photocall at London’s Old Vic theatre to trail his appearance as a presenter of the European Film Awards. He’s presented the awards a further two occasions. Yep. Having tuned their trophy into a phallus, they invited him back:
WITH FRAGRANT FRENCH ACTRESS CAROLE BOUQUE
EVERYONE, save for her blessed Majesty The Queen, needs a passport to travel overseas. (A British passport is issued in the name of Her Majesty, so it is unnecessary for The Queen to possess one.) This mean that Her Majesty need not pose for the dreaded passport photo – small relief given that her head is scrutinised on coinage and stamps.
Britishers applying for a passport should submit an exacting photograph:
Your photo may be rejected unless it shows you:
facing forward and looking straight at the camera
with a neutral expression and your mouth closed
without anything covering the face
in clear contrast to the background
without a head covering (unless it’s worn for religious or medical reasons)
with eyes open, visible and free from reflection or glare from glasses
with your eyes not covered by sunglasses, tinted glasses, glasses frames or hair
without any shadows in the picture
In this gallery of passports, we see how the rich and famous coped with posing for tiny picture that would be scrutinised by lantern-jawed officialdom.
Passports issued in the 1950s to John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier Kenned.
The stamps forms an almost perfect target about his head.
FAMOUS people and animals. Do the pets make the famous faces look more of less lovable? Are the pets just props?
FORMER Atomic Kitten singer Jenny Frost has been taking about plastic surgery. Will she let her children have some?
“By the time [my children] are 17, people might be having boobs put on their heads! Or different boobs for different occasions — sexy Kate Moss boobs for a slinky evening dress, or Pamela Anderson knockers for a bikini!”
REGULARLY, people unfairly chide women for their inability to throw, however, popstar Carly Rae Jepsen have gone and thrown a ball so badly that it might keep bozos in jokes for the rest of their lives.
Jepsen was left amused and embarrassed by her lame attempt at throwing the first pitch at a baseball game.
She was invited to throw the traditional first pitch at the Tampa Bay Rays game against the Houston Astros, however, what transpired was worse than Diana Ross’ penalty during the opening ceremony for the ’94 World Cup.
Fox Sports commentators noted that Jepsen had actually thrown several impressive strikes during practice, which is no use to anyone, especially Jepsen.
Jepsen laughed off the pitch on Twitter later, describing it as a “fail”.
“So apparently I made ESPN with my fail of a pitch. Lol- Daddy must be so proud.”
OBJECTS of desire: the Elton John hand-painted toilet seat. Life the seat, Rocket Man:
Sartre: … I ended up having a nervous breakdown.
Gerassi: You mean the crabs?
Satre: Yeah, after I took mescaline, I started seeing crabs around me all the time. They followed me in the streets, into class. I got used to them. I would wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, my little ones, how did you sleep?” I would talk to them all the time. I would say, “O.K., guys, we’re going into class now, so we have to be still and quiet,” and they would be there, around my desk, absolutely still, until the bell rang.
Gerassi: A lot of them?
Sartre: Actually, no, just three or four.
Grassi: But you knew they were imaginary?
Sartre: Oh, yes. But after I finished school, I began to think I was going crazy, so I went to see a shrink, a young guy then with whom I have been good friends ever since, Jacques Lacan. We concluded that it was fear of being alone, fear of losing the camaraderie of the group. You know, my life changed radically from my being one of a group, which included peasants and workers, as well as bourgeois intellectuals, to it being just me and Castor. The crabs really began when my adolescence ended. At first, I avoided them by writing about them — in effect, by defining life as nausea — but then as soon as I tried to objectify it, the crabs appeared. And then they appeared whenever I walked somewhere. Not when I was writing, just when I was going someplace. … The crabs stayed with me until the day I simply decided that they bored me and that I just wouldn’t pay attention to them. And then the war came, the stalag, the Resistance, and the big political battles after the war.
From the book Talking With Sartre: Conversations and Debates.
THE latest is the row about how the royalty streams from Spotify are too low turns up in The Guardian. As you might expect from that paper there’s a great deal of indignation and not a lot of light and sense.
As background, Thom Yorke has demanded that Spotify no longer play his songs as he thinks they offer a really bad deal to musicians. So, The G went out and found someone who agreed:
WE all like complaining, but would you moan about something that is 42 years old? The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) has received its first ever complaint for The Railway Children, which was first aired in 1970.
Cocksucker Blues – Groupies sex and shooting up heroin: The Rolling Stones epic and banned documentary
IN 1972, long before The Rolling Stones were pop’s Establishment act headlining Glastonbury and making Prince Harry and smug BBC DJs dance in their yurts, they were rebellion personified. It was the year Robert Frank created the documentary Cocksucker Blues. When they saw the film shot on tour, some of them hated it enough to block its release.
HOW’S life treating Paul Hollywood, the TV baker who packed his scales and went to America? Well, the 46-year-old left his wife (49) and family to allegedly romance a 34-year-old TV presenter called Marcella Valladolid, his co-host on the The American Baking Competition.
What can he do to make things better, to heel the pain his family have gone through and show them it’s not all about him? Why, he can talk to the Sun:
Speaking to The Sun, Paul, 46, said son Joshua got nosebleeds as the stress of his parents’ split took its toll on the 11-year-old.
OPERATION Yewtree calls The Wombles.
Mike Batt wrote their music. He went on the record:
In 1974 The Wombles were the biggest selling act in the U.K. It all came about by my being hired to do the music for this little TV series, five minutes long, that the BBC did. These funny little puppet things being stop-animated into rather twee adventures picking up litter on Wimbledon Common. Instead of getting the £200 fee for it, I asked if I could have the character rights to the music. That was worth nothing, because there was no band or anything, so they gave me that instead.
LIKE you, we’ve been wondering why Star Trek actress Zoe Saldana turned to acting? She explains:
“When I was in my teens, I had a job at Burger King. Then one day I was in the middle of a transaction, and realised that I didn’t enjoy it any more. I said to the manager there and then: ‘Can you finish this?’ and quit.”
Still in her teens, Saldana realised Burger King wasn’t for her. Millions of teenagers with jobs in McDonalds, KFC, Wimby and even a few branches of Eat and Pret A Manger are right now revisiting their life choices and saying, ‘Whatever. I’m going for a smoke’…