Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
KARDASHIAN momager Kris Jenner’s birthday cake featured an iced likeness of her face and hair. A single candle on either side bathed the face in a forgiving light whilst drawing out wax from her inner ears.
Dizzee Rascal is a loveable scamp isn’t he? He went from grime king to the molly court jester who appeared on Newsnight saying he wouldn’t mind being Prime Minister.
He probably doesn’t stand much of a chance now as his diplomacy skills have been left wanting after he went off on one against Radio 1 on Twitter.
HURRA Torpedo play music with your kitchen. They are:
Egil Hegerberg – bass guitar, guitar, vocals.
Kristopher Schau – percussion, backing vocals
Aslag Guttormsgaard – percussion, guitar, vocals
(Morphy Richards is away.)
Here’s the Torpedos in 1983 playing Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart.
Ageing hipster with £300,000 knocking around your bank account? Well then why don’t you check out this little listing on eBay.
You could own your very own central London record shop, and as the current owners says hang out with interesting people and maybe even meet the odd pop star or two
LADY Gaga and Dot Cotton have shared Graham Norton’s sofa. Gaga might have thought Dot Cotton a new internet address format, a social working site for actors. But Dot is June Brown, 85, a fragrant actress whose ability to smoke on the telly marks her out as likeable.
Other than on EastEnders, where June has played Bible-wetting, launderette wallah Dot since 1985, we last saw her without her omnipresent smouldering prop on the BBC Two show Respect Your Elders. She was wearing a new pendant on which had been inscribed the order “Do Not Resuscicate”. (She had spelt “Resuscitate” wrong.) Before that June was on the Who Do You Think You Are? genealogy show, also on the BBC, retracing her Jewish routes to Spain and the Inquisition.
REMEMBER when Michelle Pfeiffer lived on nothing but sunlight. No food, no water, no nothing that wasn’t sunlight? You don’t, but she certainly does as she was in a completely barking cult at the time.
You seem, Pfeiffer was a breatharian.
The Vinyl Lego Store:
The use of 2×2 printed tiles as LP jackets is spot-on and the eclectic nature of album art is such that just about any tile would make a good jacket. I also love the speaker up in the corner, as it really anchors the shot. I also like the use of 1×1 tiles as CDs. I have to say I’m impressed. It is not often that a builder completely captures the essence of scene like this.
TO Berlin, where a buskers is playing Bronski Beat’s Smalltown Boy when Jimmy Somerville and his dog wander past. The song’s original singer does the right thing and joins in. He knows all the words…
Or maybe this busker has magic guitar and whenever he plays a tune the popstar who made it famous appears? In which case, look out for his mash-up of of Michael Jackson and Elvis tracks…
MR T has an inscrutable cat on his forehead:
PAUL Gambaccini spoke to Rod Liddle in July 2013.
Spotter: A group of fifteen of radio’s best-known disc jockeys eating Christmas Lunch at Broadcasting House. Back L/R Simon Bates, Mike Read, Peter Powell, Tommy Vance, Adrian Love and Richard Skinner. Middle L/R Paul Burnett, Andy Peebles, John Peel, Steve Wright, Annie Nightingale, Paul Gambaccini, and Adrian Juste. Front L/R Dave Lee Travis and Jimmy Savile.
IT turns out that the way to seduce Ashley Cole is not offer him a deal for a lucrative marriage nor write ‘puke here‘ on your face but to compliment his feet.
Roxanne Jeffers says she pulled the Chelsea FC defender by sayiong she liked his feet. Cole had posted a picture of his feet on the web. The Daily Mail reports: “The model got in touch with Ashley when she commented on how ‘cute’ his feet were after he posted a snap of them on Instagram. The Chelsea and England defender was so flattered he invited the 24-year-old beauty to the £3.5million home he once shared with Cheryl.”
That’s how much Ashley likes his feet.
WILLIAM S. Burroughs is known for his collaboration with rock musicians in the 1990s. But he had previous.
ALIENS with spaceships have advanced brains and control technology we humans can’t even imagine. Which is why they chose to fly to planet Earth and hover over Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays. ‘Yes,’ thought Zogxxypt the Mega Brain from the planet C&JUUTB,’ if Shaun Ryder says he saw alien life and tells everyone else, the rest of humanity will believe him and accept us. Shaun Ryder is out best chance of success.’
WE name the mystery men.
The campaign to put Jane Austen on English banknotes appears to have achieved a somewhat hollow victory, if responses to the proposed portrait are anything to go by.
Austen biographer Dr Paula Byrne describes the proposed picture as resembling a doll, and making Jane appear “dim-witted”. She even goes so far as to compere it to “a Katie Price makeover”.
However, Elizabeth Proudman of the Jane Austen Society begs to differ. While conceding that the eyes are too big, and the face is ‘prettified’ she appears happy with the overall appearance – including the bonnet, which she says Austen always wore.
TERRIBLE tattoos presentsRussell Brand’s tattoo on the arm (?) of jacqui jobson @angelghost12:
Comments onm the Justin Lee Collins look-alike:
WHO was Lou Reed was David Bowie was Debbie Harry? One Etsy has produced this epic T-shirt saluting the life of Reed, Pop and, well, insert your Seventies pop icon in the space below, in this example populated by Rod Stewart:
You know you’ve made it when you become an action figure – just ask Donny Osmond, Karl Lagerfeld, Donald Trump, Princess Diana, Tori Spelling, Vanilla Ice and William Shakespeare.
PEOPLE have long moaned that, now we live in the future, where are our hoverboards? Well, glad you asked because some bright spark has decided to do something about it!
ZBoard have been inspired by the hoverboard in Back to the Future and manufactured a hi-tech weight sensing electric skateboard, which has the same design as the board Marty McFly rode.
The limited edition board uses a pressure pad on the front which allows you to move without ever needing to put your feet on the ground and can manage 20 miles of electrically-assisted skateboarding.
MIKE Tyson, one of a rare breed able to get beyond his crimes (rape) and carve our a new career in media, recalls the time he bumped into estranged wife Robin Givens heading home with Fight Club actor Brad Pitt. The exchange is golden:
Tyson: “You had to see the look on his face. He looked like he was ready to receive his last rites. He also looked stoned out of his gourd.”
Pitt: “Dude, don’t strike me”
THERE are times when the Guardian manages to out-Guardian even itself. The last time was over the idea that the meerkat adverts are in fact racist: something which even the readers of the paper didn’t think was a likely result. Today’s example comes in a column about an ad that Marco Pierre White did for Knorr. Basically making Jamaican chicken with peas and rice by adding a couple of stock cubes to some rice, chicken and peas.
OK, it’s a pretty dreadful version of the dish but still, this is the final verdict from The G on why this is so appalling:
Beneath the tears of laughter at the hilarity of the video was the palpable and justified anger at an attempt to disregard the expertise behind Jamaican cooking. The community’s outrage at the hot mess cobbled together by MPW as “Jamaican-style” is however not just about the misrepresentation of their culinary skills. The evident lack of respect, mingled with an intention to create a marketable product was another example of cultural appropriation for wider consumption.
DID you go to the Justice 4 Jimmy rally in Leeds’ Rhounday Park? Thats Jimmy Savile.
@rabbitaway issued a call to arms:
Not afraid to speak up for those that cannot. Roundhay Park Leeds October 29th 1pm JUSTICE FOR JIMMY SAVILE JOIN US
THE Amen Break Beat. You’ve heard it. It’s been played on pretty much everything. It’s six seconds of music history. You heard it on Public Enemy’s Bring the Noise, N.W.A.’s awesome Straight Outta Compton and lost of sounds from the rave scene.
Writer Nate Harrison will explain its use after this blast of godly goodness from The Winstons, who filled a gap in the tune Amen, Brother, a B-side makeweight to the Grammy-winning 1969 hit Color Him Father. You might not know the song, but listen for drummer G.C. Coleman beating out the Amen Break. And, no, they got no royalties for their short blast of magic: