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The headline is, of course, bunkum. The BBC has not refused to televise Tyson Fury fights because the State broadcaster shows no meaningful boxing, just as it transmits no live Premier League football or club rugby, The Open golf tournament, fishing and international cricket.
What the BBC will do, however, is dream up a boring televised AGM awards do, call it – get this – BBC Sports Personality of the Year Awards, and then agonise over the inclusion of any sportsman or woman who refuses to let only their feet or fists do the talking.
And so it is that Tyson Fury, the world heavyweight boxing champion, finds his position as a State TV-endorsed personality under threat because he said a woman “belongs in the kitchen” and “on her back”. Fury also considers homosexuality a crime against the Christian God he wears on his sleeve. For his sins, Fury is being investigated by Britain’s thought police.
Fury is clearly a bigot. Anyone who hears him talk and finds themselves nodding is most likely punch drunk or pitifully – but not criminally – thick.
But he is a more than decent boxer. Beating Wladimir Klitschko to become world heavyweight champion was admirable. He out-boxed his opponent. He did not out-opinion him. He didn’t have to. The debating society is not so rough. A decent right hook can secure you a top job in the Labour Party, but that mob are desperate and flailing.
Neither was the fight a battle of morals. You like Mohammed Ali, the boxer voted BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year twice? You know his view on race? Here’s a dose:
Last year’s winner of the BBC shindig was Lewis Hamilton – the British tax-exile who lives in Switzerland.
Don’t vote for the morals or the words – vote for the sporting achievement.
If you watch a football match and find yourself wondering, “I’m unsure about entering the war in Syria, so I’ll wait and see if Andy Murray wins this point. If he does, I think we should start bombing” you need psychiatric help.
Of course, you’ll have to watch the champions on a broadcaster other than the BBC, which largely eschews sport as a battle of skill, preferring to spend its days inviting the audience to answer the saddest question of all, as it put it to them via Radio 5 Live: “Are sportsman role models”. What it means, of course, is are these athletes cheered by the guileless unknowing, the great unwashed, the kind of people who read red-top tabloids and watch sport in pubs – a demographic so brainless and lacking in parental guidance they see Wayne Rooney as a father figure? Do people not like us see sportsman as role models?
To which we’d say: is the BBC a role model? That question to you, Tyson Fury.
Big news in the Sun, whereon Rita Ora is trailing the X Factor grand final – and pointing to what this year’s winner can expect from pop stardom:
“RITA – I’ve lost count of times my boobs popped out”.
It’s sensational front-page news – with a key pulled quote from a two-page interview – that has Sun readers asking, ‘Popped out.. for a curry / to the shops?’ And, moreover, what of ‘nipped out’, which certainly lends itself to a better pun.
We’d leave it there, but spread like a bikini-clad St. Agatha over pages 12 and 13, Rita has more news of her wayward, fresh-air-seeking breasts.
X Factor judge Rita Ora is becoming as famous for her unruly boobs as she is for her singing career.
Rita’s music might be middle-of -the road, but her tits are most certainly punk.
But she doesn’t care and admits she has lost count of the times her nipples have accidentally gone on display.
Gone on display? As in been exhibited, perhaps, in a museum or on Simon Cowell’s mantelpiece? Says Rita:
“It’s fun. It has happened to me lots so I am not paranoid about it anymore. You end up losing track of them.”
Here’s a tip, Rita: why not keep tabs on your boobs by making your next tattoo a barcode. If your breasts gets out, then call UPS and have them trace your primary female characteristics and pick them them – making sure your in between the hours of 8am and 5pm.
Who can be blamed for Manchester United crashing out of the Champions League in the group stages? It’s worth noting that this is an improvement on last season, when United failed to even qualify for European football’s biggest tournament.
The Mail says the buck starts and stops with United manager Louis Van Gaal, who is “hammered for his abysmal tactics”. Martin Samuel says United lost “because they could not not pick ip an old-fashioned big lad in the penalty area at set-pieces”.
As Van Gaal admits to his side going “backwards”, Chris Wheeler says United’s owners, the Glazer family, want to extend his contract beyond 2017.
No evidence that they do. But just saying it is enough to start that most wanted to tabloid aims: a heated debate.
Overall, though, the papers are split between leading with a dejected Van Gaal…
…or a his over-paid, under-talented side:
Any United fans in need to a laugh – or at best a distraction – can look to the Mirror, where David McDonnell delivers a tortuous intro:
And so it proved Emission Impossible for Manchester United as their Champions League campaign spluttered to a halt.
Wolfsburg may have been rocked by the emissions scandal that has engulfed sponsors Volkswagen, but last night it was the Reds who were left on the hard shoulder of European football.
As you wince at that, better, perhaps, to turn to the Times, where Henry Winter is in his pomp:
Embarrassing. Manchester United deservedly departed the Champions League because they defended like amateurs, not like elite professionals. They were drawn in an easier group than Manchester City yet find themselves in the Europa League. Welcome to Thursdays. Excruciating.
And Van Gaal?
Van Gaal’s reputation was damaged here. For United’s biggest game of the season, he took two eye-catching decisions. Guillermo Varela, the 22-year-old Uruguayan who made his debut against West Ham United on Saturday, started at right back; he made a couple of good tackles, but betrayed his inexperience by getting dragged into the centre, gifting André Schürrle space outside.
More controversial was Van Gaal’s decision to field Marouane Fellaini alongside Bastian Schweinsteiger with Michael Carrick kicking his heels on the bench and having to wait until 20 minutes from time for his 70th Champions League appearance. Fellaini lost the ball twice in the opening five minutes and did little to stop Wolfsburg’s counterattacks.
Which can all be summed by two words from the Sun: “Van Damned.”
Transfer balls: The Daily Telegraph says Manchester Untied are ready to splurge £143,9m on Neymar.
So incredible is the story that Neymar appears to point to it, laughing:
The paper reports:
It would be a staggering and eye-watering deal if Manchester United could pull it off but the likelihood of Neymar joining Old Trafford remains extremely slim.
How slim is slim?
Even though the Barcelona forward insists he’s happy at the Nou Camp and doesn’t see his future anywhere else, that does not seem to stop reports surfacing that United will up the ante in an attempt to persuade the seemingly unpersuadable.
Is “reports surfacing” code for ‘reports being made-up’?
Today reports are doing the rounds that United are preparing a quite preposterous £143.9 million offer to sign the Brazilian next month.
See: Daily Telegraph.
…But for all the money United appear willing to splash out in an attempt to land Neymar, the player is not for budging. Barca, however, may be willing to sell – in order to balance the books.
The Tele doesn’t bother to link to the source of its story.
The Star says the story emerges from Old Trafford.
The Star gives its source as The Metro:
The Metro says the story is rooted in Spain.
Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale have been linked, but Fichajes says United are preparing a £143.9m move for Neymar.
Over there, we’re told nothing of that nutzoid fee being quoted across the UK Press. But we do learn that United have €200m so invest and “the Brazilian international will not hear talk of the Red Devils…. Neymar currently wants to establish itself as the absolute star of the Spanish league and follow in the footsteps of Lionel Messi as Barca”.
Such are the facts.
This video created by the European Society of Urology affords us an insight into male-to-female gender surgery. the process uses the penis and testicles to construct a vagina – one able to orgasm. The penis’s tip creates a neoclitoris. The labia is made form the skin of the scrotum and shaft.
Farewell, Gary Monk, manager of Swansea City, soon to be the Swans’ ex-manager. The papers all agree that the affable young Englishman is to be replaced by former Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers.
But let’s not shed a tear for Monk. The Sun says he’s in line for a£3m payoff to Monk., That’s not too shabby.
CAROLO Ancelotti is vying with Pep Guardiola for the Manchester United job. The Sun leads with “CARLO SEES RED – I’d love to be boss of United.”
The Sun shows Ancelotti looking huge and vibrant, massive, hulking presence over Louis Van Gaal, the current Man United manager, who appears tiny, looking down and rubbing his nose.
This scoop is based on what Ancelotti told the Independent:
“I will continue to wait. If I don’t find a club with a good project, I can wait. What will I do? Watching games, fishing, all these things. But let us see next summer. I will not take a job in mid-season, but I would like to work again next summer.”
The Sun suggests Man United.
“Of course, for every manager, they would all think of managing Manchester United.”
Ancelotti has been on the media rounds. He’s looking for a top job, letting everyone know he’s available. Just get a load of these stories in the Daily Mail:
Ancelotti to Arsenal would be perfect. Why have the wheels not already been set in motion?!’ – Daily Mail, March 2015.
‘Liverpool make contact with Carlo Ancelotti as pressure mounts on Brendan Rodgers’ – Daily Mail, September 2015.
‘Chelsea plan for Jose Mourinho exit with Carlo Ancelotti waiting in the wings’ – Daily Mail, October 2015.
‘Carlo Ancelotti has now set his sights on his next coaching role. He wants the Bayern Munich job if Pep Guardiola decides to leave’ – Daily Mail, December 2015.
“RARE MEAT COULD KILL.” So declares the Sun via its front page. How rare? This rare?
The Sun says “deadly superbugs” might be alive in your meaty dinner. These bugs are “drug-resistant superbugs”, maybe. But worry ye not. They can be killed by… cooking!
The Sun helpfully explains what cooking is to its slack-jawed readers. Tips include:
- Use a pan
- Use a hot grill
But mostly vitally: ensure animal is dead. Those things can really kick.
Sir Alex Ferguson says he’s worried at the impact Jurgen Klopp will have at Liverpool. The former Manchester United manager says of Klopp:
“I’m worried about him because the one thing United don’t want is Liverpool to get above us. He’s a fantastic personality, with those big white teeth always showing…”
And then Ferguson spoke about working with the media:
“You have to win twice on a Saturday. You have to win the game and you have to win the press conference. Some managers fail, simply because they lack experience or they’re emotional. You have to gather yourself. I used to wash my face before a press conference…. You have to give a message to your fans because they’re watching. They want to see their manager come out with a positive attitude and not a beaten man… You’ve got to handle the press. It’s a very difficult part of it.”
That would be the Alex Ferguson who for seven years refused to speak to the BBC after they dissed his son.
Have you seen the new “mini city” in France? Called The ‘Jungle’, the city features: a dozen shops, libraries, restaurants, makeshift hotels, a sculpture garden, a dome-shaped theatre, an Eritrean night-club, a playground, a book shop named Jungle Books (gerrit?) and a church.
The Mail’s Josh White says his place looks like a “mini-Glastonbury festival”, only cleaner, and with less kids called Scarlett, 4x4s and lice.
And the great news is that this city of culture can be reached by ferry, or li-lo, what with it being in Calais. It’s the kind of place that ‘edgy’, liberal white people looking for a dash of ethnic colour head to to feel daring and fulfilled. The danger, of course, is that Jake and Lara will buy a second home there, so raising the property prices and driving out the poorer, swarthier inhabitants. But it’s not yet an enclave of London. That for later when the Pizza Express and artisan bakers open – when arriviste Lara hires one of the former locals as a nanny.
It turns out that those people who want to reach the UK for a better life are efficient, innovative, daring, creative, driven, resourceful and sociable.
Or as the Mail puts it elsewhere:
Last one to book the Jungle mini-break’s an Aldi shopper!
Yesterday Bournemouth beat Chelsea 0-1 at Stamford Bridge. It was cracking result for the south coast club playing for the first time in the Premier League.
But in the Times, Rory Smith has a word to the wise:
Mire, 29, of Sansom Road, east London, is due to appear at Westminster Magistrates’ Court. He’s been charged with attempted murder.
His alleged attack left a 56-year-old man was left with “serious” stab wounds and another person injured.
More Jose Mourinho sacking news now. The Times leads with a story that the Chelsea boss is “in last chance” to save his job.
Matt Hughes says José Mourinho has been told that “he must guide Chelsea into the knockout stages of the Champions League this week to safeguard his position as manager”.
Win a single point against Porto on Wednesday and Chelsea qualify for the round of 16 – “Defeat, though, could bring the end of Mourinho’s second spell as manager at Stamford Bridge.”
From a headline stating Mourinho has one chance, to a story beneath it that the Portuguese could be given more last chances. The Times has no idea.
And neither does the Daily Mirror, which reports that Chelsea “could sack manager Jose Mourinho whether or not they beat Porto in the Champions League on Wednesday”.
The Sun hedges its bets, giving Mourinho two games to save his job. It sticks a wet finger in the air and discovers that Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich “may act if the Blues lose to Porto and then against leaders Leicester in the Premier League next weekend”.
Or else, he may not.
Such are the facts.
This week we learnt that TV chef Ainsley Harriott is also Lenny Henry. Who knew? ITV did. As Henry received his knighthood from Her Majesty, the broadcaster showed footage of the one-man double-act’s career:
— Dean (@dean6345) December 4, 2015
Of course, the two men are not the same man.
RT MoneerElfwick: ‘itvnews: Lenny Henry, emotional after receiving his knighthood.’ pic.twitter.com/K1TAMR0m8R
— Richard Davidson (@RichardDavid_1) December 4, 2015
— David Lammy (@DavidLammy) December 4, 2015
Whoops! A spokesperson for ITV News went on the record:
“ITV News apologises for the error broadcast in the lunchtime news package today regarding Sir Lenny Henry’s knighthood at the palace. This was the result of an error in the production process in a piece intended to celebrate Sir Lenny’s significant achievements in British entertainment.”
Before praising he man’s cooking and big smile.
Linda Stasi has news on the massacre at a social services center in San Bernardino, California. She shines a narrow beam of light on one of the 13 people murdered: Nicholas Thalasinos.
They were two hate-filled, bigoted municipal employees interacting in one department. Now 13 innocent people are dead in unspeakable carnage. One man spent his free time writing frightening, NRA-loving, hate-filled screeds on Facebook about the other’s religion.
The other man quietly stewed and brewed his bigotry, collecting the kind of arsenal that the Facebook poster would have envied.
To recap: one man wrote things on Facebook. One man murdered 13 people. Keep in mind these intrinsic differences as you read on:
What they didn’t realize is that except for their different religions they were in many ways similar men who even had the same job.
To recap that recap: one murdered 13 people; one wrote things. To Stasi’s adipose mind each of those actions – murdering 13 people and writing on your Facebook page – defines the man.
When anyone is murdered in the US – an unarmed man or woman at a do, say – you should withhold sympathy until you’ve seen their Facebook posts, trawled through their tweets and bon mots for signs of gurning stupidity, gayness, fascism, carbon neutrality, football team affiliation, weirdness and so on. This is why mawkish Channel 4 news presenters always emphasise children as the true victims of war – it locates a victim viewers of every prejudice can surely agree as unequivocally deserving of our tears.
(Of course, we who know what utter swine some kids are remain unconvinced by the ploy. Did you hear what spiteful Julie whispered about Zed the bed wetter? Better to sob for Billy, who was good at football and came top in spelling.)
One man, the Muslim, was a loser who had to travel all the way to Pakistan to get himself an email bride. (I refuse to add to their fame by using the killer and his murderous wife’s names.)
That wife radicalized him and fueled his hatred. The FBI is investigating her ties to Al Qaeda and ISIS. Go to the Middle East, meet your new wife, meet some terror leaders, begin your wedded bliss back in the USA.
Cherchez la femme, eh.
The other man, the victim, Nicholas Thalasinos, was a radical Born Again Christian/Messianic Jew, who also connected with his future wife online and had traveled across the country to meet her.
The killer, however, became half of an Islamic Bonnie & Clyde, while the other died as the male equivalent of Pamela Geller.
And on Stasi goes. As for being Bonnie & Clyde, mass murderers Syed Raheel Farook and Tashfeen Malik were not driven by any greed for filthy lucre. Nothing so noble. They sought only death.
Stasi then adds:
The killers deserve every disgusting adjective thrown at them. And more. But…
…the victim is also inaccurately being eulogized as a kind and loving religious man.
What d’yer know about the corpse, Linda?
Make no mistake, as disgusting and deservedly dead as the hate-filled fanatical Muslim killers were, Thalasinos was also a hate-filled bigot. Death can’t change that. But in the U.S., we don’t die for speaking our minds. Or we’re not supposed to anyway.
Which makes you wonder what the point of Stasi’s story is? She doesn’t like what the murdered man wrote on Facebook. He didn’t deserve to die for what he thought, she graciously concedes. But now that he is dead, we should spare the pity because his politics were not within the Stasi-acceptable part of the mainstream.
Thalasinos was an anti-government, anti-Islam, pro-NRA, rabidly anti-Planned Parenthood kinda guy, who posted that it would be “Freaking Awesome” if hateful Ann Coulter was named head of Homeland Security.
He was murdered. He was shot dead at a party.
He asked, “IS 1. EVERY POLITICIAN IS BOUGHT AND PAID FOR? 2. EVERY POLITICIAN IS A MORON? 3. EVERY POLITICIAN IS RACIST AGAINST JEWS?” He also posted screeds like, “You can stick your Muslim Million Man march up your asses,” and how “Hashem” should blow up Iran.
His Facebook page warns that “Without HEALTHY PREGNANT WOMAN (Democrats) would have NO SOURCE of BABIES to SACRIFICE and SELL!”
He was asking for it? He was asking to be murdered? Shed no tears for him. He said things Stasi – and how about that name for nominative determinism, folks – does not agree with.
Stasi then nails her bigotry:
We have freedom of speech but…
No buts, Linda. But them no more. Freedom of speech – the right to speak your mind and debate your point of view – has no buts.
When does ‘the brink’ become ‘the fall’? The Telegraph says Jose Mourinho is “on the brink” of leaving Chelsea following the Blues’ 0-1 defeat to the mighty Bournemouth.
Mourinho may well scoff at the report. After all, he has been ‘on the brink’ of getting the sack for much of this season.
After defeat at Stoke City, Eurosport wrote: “Chelsea slump to Stoke defeat as Arnautovic puts Mourinho on the brink”
The Express agreed:
ITV said Mourinho was ‘on the brink’ after defeat to Liverpool.
After defeat to West Ham United, the Mail said Jose was “on the brink”:
The Mirror agreed.
According to the Press, Mourinho has been a dead man walking for weeks:
To which Jose says:
Such are the facts.
In a very good article on former Manchester United and England defender Gary Neville’s move to a top coaching role at Valencia, David Walsh shares an anecdote that shines a light on the former player’s stubborn will.
His late dad went by the name Neville Neville. You will have wondered at some point, “How could anyone do this?” Just after Neville was born the midwife walked into the room where mum and baby were bonding, picked up the chart and said, “Neville, that’s a nice name for a boy.” A great aunt of Gary’s was visiting and she immediately corrected the midwife’s mistake. “Oh, no, it’s not Neville. That’s his surname. Neville Neville? We can’t be having that.” But her niece, Gary’s grandmother, was affronted at the unintended slight. “Why not Neville Neville? I’ll call him what I want.” And so there you had it, Neville Neville.
Can Gary Neville’s defy the odds and succeed at Valenia? If he fails, you know it won’t be for want of effort…
Manchester United transfer balls time.
The Sunday Times leads with news that Louis Van Gaal will remain in charge at Old Trafford even if United crash out of the Champions’ League.
But the paper’s Jonathan Northcroft adds that the club are looking for Van Gaal’s successor – and Pep Guardiola wants the job. Northcroft says Pep is “likely” to leave Bayern Munich when his contract expires next summer, and would prefer a move to Manchester United over Manchester City.
The Guardian says United are not interested in Pep. They will “leave the way open for Manchester City to pursue the 44-year-old former Barcelona coach”.
So Van Gaal stays for a while longer. And next summer he’ll get another £200m to splurge on players, says the Sun.
The Sunday Mirror says United will opt for one of Cristiano Ronaldo, Gareth Bale and Neymar. Whether one of them will opt for United is a moot point.
The Metro (yes, we know) says United will bid £50m to lure Harry Kane from Tottenham. There he can link up with former Spurs stars Bale and Michael Carrick, causing Spurs fans and their club’s manager Mauricio Roberto Pochettino to question their clubs ambitions.
Pochettino to United, anyone?
We love a good goal celebration. But we’re a tad worried for Joel Campbell, Arsenal’s Costa Rican striker.
Having scored for Arsenal against Sunderland in yesterday’s Premier Leaaue match, Campbell retrieved a baby’s dummy from somewhere inside his shorts and sucked it.
This was a tribute to his 10-month-old daughter Brianna,
At the 2014 World Cup, he also hailed his child, scoring a goal against Uruguay and popping the ball up his shirt to mimic his pregnant girlfriend Maria Fernanda Cascante.
If every stage of young Brianna Campbell’s life is to be marked in one of dad’s goal celebrations, we expect to see Campbell pull a bowl of jelly and ice cream from his jock-strap, hold his ears and scowl (the recorder playing phase) and finally storm off the pitch, slamming every door as he leaves and screaming “I hate you!”
Other Parent of the day is Coweta County’s Veridiana Pardo Meo Erbskorn, 47.
She’s been arrested after she allegedly scrubbed make-up from her 12-year-old son’s face with a steel-wool Brillo pad to help him pass rapidly though his “rock and roll stage.”
Erbskorn was taken to the Coweta County Jail on charges of child cruelty, reckless conduct and battery.
She wore no make-up.
An incredibly creepy Christian kids song for Christmas. Linda Blair is away:
The media loves to talk up an injury – and few places in football do injuries with more regularity than Arsenal. The Gunners’ midfielder Santi Cazorla is now injured. We have not been told how badly.
At his Friday press conference, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said he didn’t know how long Cazorla will be out for. A journalist asks if he “could” be out til Mach. Wenger replies: “It is possible.”
In the Guardian that becomes: “Arsenal’s Santi Cazorla to miss at least three months with knee injury”
The paper fails to add “possibly”.
The Indy goes better: “… the Gunners now face up to life without Santi Cazorla until March while Alexis Sanchez could miss the rest of 2015.”
He could. But Wenger said: “Alexis is a hamstring [injury] but I don’t know how long it will take, it is usually a quick one to recover.”
Such are the facts.