Anorak

Tabloids | Anorak - Part 20

Tabloids Category

The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.

Manchester United: time up for magic Van Gaal

Manchester United have called “time” on Louis Van Gaal’s career at Old Trafford.

 

van gaal sacked mirror

 

So says the Daily Mirror, which adds that “even an FA Cup victory won’t stop Jose taking over”. David McDonnell says the Manchester United “hierarchy” are plotting an “exit strategy for the Dutchman and a succession plan for Mourinho”.

The Mirror, of course, is guessing. This is the paper that told readers Van Gaal would be sacked should United failed to beat Stoke City. They failed. Van Gaal stayed.

 

mirror van gaal sacked

 

Reading on we learn that the “exclusive” news of Van Gaal’s demise is not all that certain. There is a “belief the time for change is fast approaching”. And “there is a growing belief at the Reads they will soon have to strike a deal” to pay Van Gaal off.

After so much believing, it’s worth looking back at what the Mirror said yesterday, “Louis Van Gaal has a remarkable knack of getting a result when he needs it most…. He is either incredibly lucky or has a magic touch.” Or else he’s playing Stoke.

The Mirror writes him off and then says we write him off at our peril.

 

Posted: 15th, April 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Gemma Atkinson and Ronaldo: fools, horses and sex with prostitutes

gemma atkinson ronaldo sex

 

Actress Gemma Atkinson has “revealed” that back in 2007 she and “footie ace” Cristiano Ronaldo watched Only Fools and Horses on their first date together.

If never did work out. Why not? Well in 2007, Gemma was quoted in the Sun: “I did go out with Cristiano, but it all ended when he was caught shagging prostitutes.”

All together now:

God bless Hooky Street
Viva Hooky Street
Long live Hooky Street
C’est magnifique Hooky Street
Magnifique Hooky Street

 

Posted: 15th, April 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Giant rats found in Tooting – send for the toffs!

rats daily star

 

Big rat news in the unofficial big rat news newspaper, the Daily Star, which leads with “New Plague of Giant Rats – Nest of 2ft beasts found on housing estate.” We meet “shocked rat-catcher” – get this – Lord Dean Burr, who “snared” a  family of “monster rats” on a housing estate in Tooting, south London.

Lord Burr, “who inherited  his title after the death of his uncle”, says the big rats are too big for the traps. To paraphrase Jaws, we’re gonna need a bigger trap.

Of course, all this works on the assumption that people don’t much like rats. We can sympathise with gassed badgers and foxes being chased by deranged red-trousered toffs on sweating horses before being barbarically ripped apart, but we all want rats dead. And these hideous rats are getting larger, which means only one thing: they’ve escaped from a Tory breeding farm. The pro-hunt lobby plans to inflict upon the bien pensant metropolitan elite a swarm of fox-sized rats so terrifying that very soon wholly liberals will understand the need to control vermin.

Bans on hunting with dogs will be repealed, allowing the aristocrats to continue their bloody sport in farm, field and the underground carpark on an inner city estate.

Tally ho, Lord Burr!

Posted: 15th, April 2016 | In: Reviews, Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Manchester United manager-in-waiting Jose Mourinho wants the PSG job

News in the Daily Mail is that “Jose Mourinho would seriously consider the Paris Saint-German job should the French champions part company with Laurent Blanc.” How very good of him.

All that stands between Mourinho and the PSG manager’s chair is Blanc’s sacking. Sack him! Sack him him now. And sack Louis Van Gaal as well because for weeks we’ve been reading that Jose fancies the Manchester United job as well.

On February 10, the Mail told readers: “‘Jose Mourinho tells friends that his summer move to Manchester United is a ‘done deal’.”

Chances are he fancies your job too. A “source” is right now on the phone to your boss telling them that should you be sacked, Jose would consider stepping in to drive your truck, dispense those drugs or slop out your bucket (we know our readers).

 

Posted: 14th, April 2016 | In: manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Daily Mail relocates Cliff Richards Atlantic winery

Let’s bemoan the state of education that allows the Daily Mail’s Julian Robinson to miss up his seas:

A luxury Mediterranean winery that produces Sir Cliff Richard’s own brand of plonk has been put on the market – for more than £7.5million. Quinta do Miradouro and neighbouring winery Adega do Cantor in Albufeira in Portugal’s Algarve are up for grabs after 15 years of producing the singer’s wine, Vida and Onda Nova.

Anyone keen on inspecting the place should now that The Algarve is on the Atlantic Ocean.

 

Quinta do Miradouro Adega do Cantor in Albufeira

 

 

Posted: 14th, April 2016 | In: Celebrities, Money, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


David Gest in pill-popping mystery riddle

david gest liza

 

David Gest has died and he’s all over the tabloids. The Mail invites its readers to pull up an armchair and look for clues. It is “The mystery death  Liza Minnelli’s ex in London hotel”.

Yep, poor old Dave doesn’t even get name-checked in his final moment in the light. The Mail‘s mystery seems to finding out who he was. Over page 6 and 7 Gest is “Michael jackson’s friend”.  The “62-year-old entertainer” (Express) is notable for being “Mr Minnelli”, which he was, albeit for just 16 months of his existence.

Sticking with the Express we learn that the “reality TV star” (I’m a Celebrity…, Celebrity Big Brother, Celebrity Window Shopping (call me ITV2, I have ideas)) died in a “riddle”. Only it isn’t one because police say there are no suspicious circumstance.

On page 19, Virginia Blackburn says Gest was “one half of one of the oddest  odd couples”. Indeed. His marriage to Minnelli was odd, not least of all because it gave us the most bizarre showbiz photos of all time: the one in which Gest, Liza, Michael Jackson and Liz Taylor appear to be melting.

 

hello david gest

 

“Gest in peace,” says the Sun. “Friends say he died naturally”. So much for mysteries and riddles, then – unless the Express and Mail see Gest’s passing as the chance to debate the meaning of life?

But hold on a moment – the Mirror smells scandal and leads with news of Gest’s “sleeping pill torment”. In “Gest Pills Hell” – how tasteful of the Mirror to invoke Satan’s afterlife den in the tale of a man’s demise – we hear of “friends” saying Gest was “strung out” on pills.

And then this: “The star had been planning a UK tour called David Gest is not Dead Alive with Soul.” That title was based on a moment in the Big Brother house when the announcement to housemate Angie Bowie that David Bowie was dead became truncated to ‘David is dead’. Gest was ill at the time in one of the celebrity silo’s beds. Housemate Tiffany Pollard thought Gest was the dead David. Cue much shocked faces and hand fanning.

And now David Gest really is dead. Or ‘resting’ as fellow CBB housemates call it…

 

Posted: 13th, April 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


John Whittingdale sex capers too low-brow for red-tops

Tory MP John Whittingdale’s sex life is not a matter for gossips, ‘Outraged of Hacked Off’ of tabloids. As Francis Wheen puts it:

Just heard a Today programme “debate” on the Whittingdale affair which made the Republican primary debates sound like Socratic dialogues.

In the Hacked Off corner was Evan “Dr Death” Harris, lambasting the tabloids for not printing a story about an MP and a dominatrix – even though his pressure group actually wants to stop such stories ever being published. In the tabloid corner, Neil “Wolfman” Wallis pretended that a story about an MP and a dominatrix isn’t the sort of thing that would interest red-top editors, who prefer front-page scoops about Cartesian circularity and the eternal truths.

Toe-curling imbecility and insincerity from start to finish.

Audio to follow…

Posted: 13th, April 2016 | In: Politicians, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Britain swamped by hidden anti-EU messages in the Express

The Daily Express says the “EU wants to control your pension”. Happily, like you, my pension is in the Cayman Islands, which is not in the EU – yet. But it does sound sinister. Talk of the EU controlling your cash is unsettling. How dare those undemocratic technocrats dip into my pension book.

 

EU vote DAily Express UKIP

 

The front-page story continues on the Page 9, whereon we learn that it’s, er utter bollocks.

Tory MEP David Campbell Bannerman says a vote to remain in the EU means the “logical thing is to have common pensions…” It’s not planned. But it might be. Having produced a non-story story more loaded than George Bush at a frat house party, the Express invites readers to calls its phone lines and vote.

 

EU vote DAily Express

 

Vote now. And vote often.

 

Posted: 12th, April 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Beau Dermott attacked in tabloids: media training 101

beau dermott

 

Beau Dermott is Britain’s Got Talent’s “sensation” (The Sun). West End musical Wicked has “reached out to her”. Beau, 12, is on the celebrity treadmill. Beau says that on an excitement scale of of ten, she is “TEN!”

Beau Dermott might be less excited at her appearance on the Star’s front page, where the headline labels her a “CHEAT”. How? Is she a 29-year-old professional opera singer? Was she miming over a backing tape? The Star soon tells us: “Star wannabe, 12, a stage school veteran.”

Can you be a veteran of anything at 12 – jelly, maybe, and burping? The Star thinks so, telling us that Beau has had singing lessons at “top arts school – despite her mum saying it was a big thing to perform”. The Star soon realises its scoop holds less water than Simon Cowell’s hairnet, continuing the story on Page 18.

The Star says “no reference was made to the fact, Beau, from Widnes, Cheshire, has had vocal training at the StagePro Academy in Warrington for five years”.

Other things not referenced on the show: pictures are manipulated; Amanda Holden is an actress; making Beau cry is ‘good telly’.”

Posted: 12th, April 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Adam Johnson: a ‘cushy’ life at Holme away from home

Adam JohnsonAdam Johnson, the former Sunderland footballer serving a six-year prison sentence for sexual activity with a girl of 15, is in a “Cushy” cell. So says the Sun, which features Johnson on its front page.

A “source” says people will “wonder if he should be kept in a much tougher prison given the nature of his offence”. People who read the Sun, perhaps.

As for Holme House, a few facts:

A DHL warehouse operates within holme House processing canteen forms and Picking/packing for eight establishments in the North East. This provides employment for 40 prisoners and NVQ qualifications can be attained…

UNLOCKING TIMES

Mon: 07:30 – 12:30, 13:30 – 16:30 & 17:00 – 19:15
Tue: 07:30 – 12:30, 13:30 – 16:30 & 17:00 – 19:15
Wed: 07:30 – 12:30, 13:30 – 16:30 & 17:00 – 19:15
Thu: 07:30 – 12:30, 13:30 – 16:30 & 17:00 – 19:15
Fri: 07:30 – 12:30, 13:30 – 16:45
Sat: 07:30 – 12:30 & 13:30 -16:30
Sun: 07:30 – 12:30 & 13:30 -16:30

The most recent report from Her Majesty’s Inspectorate of Prisons, noted:

there had been five self-inflicted deaths since the last inspection and what appear to be two further self-inflicted deaths since this inspection;..
first night cells were dirty with broken equipment and there was little support from staff or prisoner mentors for those new to prison;
many cells were dirty, toilets were inadequately screened and some prisoners shared cells designed for one which were too small;
laundry arrangements were chaotic and there were insufficient phones and showers;

The Sun, of course, wanted more for Johnson, noting on March 18.

Shoot scared: Footie perv Adam Johnson to pay for ‘protection’ while in horror prison – Paedophile faces being sent to tough jail where sex offender inmate was disembowelled

He is likely to be sent initially to Armley jail in Leeds before transferring to HMP Frankland in Durham, home to child killers Ian Huntley and Levi Bellfield.

He is in Armely. But Johnson’s murder in Frankland is no longer an option to excite the Sun.

And is prison “cushy”? One prisoner told me how it works: “It’s only hard for the innocent – the guilty all sleep well.”

Posted: 12th, April 2016 | In: Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Channel 4 poll shocker: Muslims believe in Islam

muslim ghettoes“Half of British Muslims want gay sex banned, says poll.” That’s the Daily Telegraph headline. And it’s big news because it shows that half of British Muslims don’t believe in the letter of their religion.

This fact features in the Channel 4 programme, What British Muslims Really Think. It’s an ugly title from a broadcaster that brought us a look at Big Fat Gypsies. What Muslims Really Think starts from a position that they will think alike, and they’re hiding it from the rest of us. How enlightened is that?

The survey for Channel 4 found there was a “chasm” between views among the British Muslim community and mainstream opinion in this country.

Er, isn’t that because the mainstream – i.e. the biggest demographic – isn’t Muslim, let alone religious? And are the Telegraph and Channel 4 really shocked that religious people believe in their religion?

Of more than 1,000 British Muslims polled by ICM, 39 per cent agreed “wives should always obey their husbands”, and 31 per cent said it was acceptable for a man to have more than one wife. The survey also found 23 per cent said they supported the introduction of sharia law in Britain.

Asked their views on stoning those who commit adultery, five per cent said they sympathised with use of the punishment – often meted out under sharia – while 79 per cent condemned it.

You might think, ‘So what?’ But Trevor Phillips, a former head of the Equality and Human Rights Commission, says, “The integration of Britain’s Muslims will probably be the hardest task we’ve ever faced. It will require the abandonment of the milk-and-water multiculturalism still so beloved of many, and the adoption of a far more muscular approach to integration.”

Sure, some hardline religionists will demand adherence to the letter of what they see as divine law. But the survey shows that most don’t.

If by integration Trevor means the neutralising of contrary thoughts, the removal of all attitudes viewed as unprogressive, then, yes, it will take time. And we and anyone who values free speech hope it never happens. Challenging the orthodoxy cuts both ways, Trevor.  Or is that no longer a mainstream view to be allowed to think what you want to?

 

Posted: 11th, April 2016 | In: Broadsheets, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Manchester United Martial in XXX Factor sex balls

Manchester United’s Anthony Martial is no longer with his wife. The Sun says the “French ace romped with X Factor wannabe Emily Wademan in Paris while his wife Samantha was at home.”

This is Marital, who was quoted in the Mail, “After training, I like to come home and find my wife. I am very homely.” Possibly to check she’s there before he nips out. The Sun now says:

The couple, who have eight-month-old daughter Peyton, put on a united front after our revelations. But last week Samantha stopped following the £58million striker on Instagram, and he did likewise. She has continued to update her 82,000 followers with images of Peyton but the French international, 20, has not been seen in a snap for two weeks.

Maybe she’s following him on the place, train and bus instead? And when he signed for United, the Mail said the child was called “Toto”.

The star’s agent confirmed their separation and said no one else was involved.

This story first aired in January, when the Sun boomed: “Married Anthony Martial’s romps with X Factor beauty: Man U ace flew model for sex in Paris.”

The Mail called it a “romantic break”. And Emily – now reduced from “beauty” to “wannabe” (and did she used to be called Emily Dyson?) – told us:

“When we got to Paris he was happy to openly parade me in public in front of French fans on the Champs Elysees.”

A parade on an open-top bus, or is Emily saving that for any sex tape?

Posted: 10th, April 2016 | In: Celebrities, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The New Day front page looks a lot like last month’s That’s Life magazine

In today’s The New Day newspaper, read the story of a mum who wants to have her son’s baby:

 

new day magazine

 

You might have read the same story in the March 31 issues of That’s Life magazine:

 

that's life magazine

 

Spotter: @nickw84 @RichLeighPR)

Posted: 8th, April 2016 | In: Reviews, Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Sex Injunction: tabloids await the invention of internet and telephone

injunction sex celebrity threesome

 

Do not tell us the name of the celebrity in the sex injunction case. We can’t afford the libel bills. Just know that the injunction involving celebrity ‘PJS’ and his partner ‘YMA’ is not in the British newspapers. You can read about it all in America, however.

Ridiculous, of course. And just as mad is the Sun and Mail featuring the story on their front pages. We love the tabloids, but someone needs to tell the editorial staff about the thing called the internet and telephones.

Come in, New York… Do you read me? Over.

 

Posted: 8th, April 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Transfer balls: Arsenal sign Granit Xhaka with a cheeky smile

Transfer Balls: The Metro reads all sorts of things into a smile, telling its reader bots:

Arsene Wenger smile hints Granit Xhaka to Arsenal transfer could be done

Says Wenger:

“At the moment, no. We are starting to look at people who can strengthen our squad, but we are not on any particular case in a concrete way” 

But who needs words when you can have a smile?

As for the player, well, earlier this month he told Express:

“I’ve seen the rumours. All I can say is it’s nonsense. There have been no negotiations with Arsene Wenger.”

But, of course, the deal has already been done. We read about it in the… Metro:

 

Screen Shot 2016-04-07 at 17.17.26

 

Posted: 7th, April 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


No right to honest labour for cut-throat murder girl Leigh Mackinnon

leigh mackinnon

 

The Sun, Mail and Mirror show us what Leigh Mackinnon, 26, of Aberdeen, has been up since being released from a nine year prison sentence for the attempted murder of charity worker Laura Milne, 19, who was beaten and stamped on.

The Sun and Mirror call her the “Demon barber of King Street”. Mackinnon’s been working as a hairdresser just a mile from the scene.

A YOB who served time for her part in the brutal cut-throat murder of a young woman is now free and working as a barber just a mile from the scene of the crime. Leigh Mackinnon snips the hair of punters who are unaware she was involved in the savage killing of 19-year-old Laura Milne nine years ago. Mackinnon, now 26, but who was just 18 at the time of the murder, and Debbie Buchan, 19, punched, kicked and stamped on victim Laura before Stuart Jack slit her throat.

From demon to mere yob in a trice. And now to unemployment. The Mirror says the “cut-throat murder girl” has been sacked. Her now ex-boss says he had no idea about Mackinnon’s background “as we got a fake name of Sherylleigh”. The Sun and Mirror call her “brazen”. But she changed her name. She’s hardly glorying in her notoriety. And she was self-employed, renting a chair in the salon.

You might not like a woman with a violent past cutting your hair, but she served her time, learnt an honest trade inside and then re-emerged into society, ready and willing to contribute. She’s been rehabilitated. Isn’t that one purpose of prison? And now she’s been sacked because the tabloids have ‘exposed’ her.

So does she now sign on and become a drain on the State?

 

Posted: 7th, April 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Panama Papers: turning wealth into a dead man’s sin

sinnersTen faces on the Mirror’s cover. Simon Cowell (telly), Mark Thatcher (lost), El Chapo (pharmaceuticals), the Duchess of Windsor (choppers), Nick Faldo (Sir), Paul Burrell (ma’am), Willian (Chelsea), Jackie Chan (film), Andy Cole (Manchester United) and David Cameron (monster raving looney). All are part of the paper’s story on the Panama Papers, the massive haul of leaked documents that told us – shock of shocks – rich people don’t like paying tax.

You could add, of course, that poor people don’t much like paying them, either. But the poor don’t have link to off-shore tax havens. So they’re not news. And, indeed, you might wonder why these people are news because as early as paragraph two we’re told, “there is no suggestion of any illegality.”

Is this, then, a moral story? If it is, are we to suppose that these people are not allowed a private life? And if David Cameron is now “Dodgy Dave” because his late father Ian “pumped cash into tax haven” is Ed Miliband still Ed The Red, the son of a dead Marxist who”hated Britain”.”It’s hateful when you have your father targeted in that way, traduced in that way. There is no question about that,” said David Miliband, quoted in the Mirror. The paper called the Mail’s “smearing” of the dead man a “disgrace”. Is that still the case?

No. Because this is about money. We want to bash the rich, blame them for hurting the country. But there’s that pesky thing of nothing being illegal about any of it. It’s all legal. So can it be immoral to invest your money overseas? Labour MP Jess Phillips, quoted in the Express, says “the sins of Daddy Cameron were not illegal but they were utterly disgusting”.

Sins. Who made her a priest? Why bring god into it? She sounds so small-minded and provincial. Isn’t her job to come up with ideas for making an economy the rich would want to invest in? And can we move on about the Panama Papers being about tax avoidance. Too dull. We want to read about corruption. That’s the juicy stuff.

Posted: 7th, April 2016 | In: Money, Politicians, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Irony overload: Daily Mail bemoans predators who take pictures of Arsenal star on a night out

Martin Samuel is writing about Arsenal’s Jack Wilshere in the Daily Mail:

“Ghouls filming private moments on their mobile phones are a modern curse. So Jack Wilshere merits some sympathy, being a young man unable to go anywhere without a predatory stranger wishing to make his life their property.”:

Predatory strangers armed with cameras who create stories like:

ECLUSIVE: Ariel Winter reveals new inking in a high cut swimsuit as she frolics in the Bahamas surf… after getting THREE tattoos just weeks after 18th birthday

Catching some Lana Del RAYs? Bikini-clad singer tops up her tan in a nautical two-piece during relaxing Malibu beach day

You can read those predatory paparazzi-scoops and many more like them in the, er, Daily Mail.

 

Posted: 6th, April 2016 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Transfer balls: Walcott fights to stay and struggles to leave Arsenal

News is that Arsenal will flog Theo Walcott. The Bleacher Report says Arsenal will sell the player if he fails to make England’s Euro 2016 squad. The whole story can be surmised thus:

Dean Jones reveals that Walcott could leave the Emirates if he doesn’t get a Euro 2016

Can you reveal an ‘if’?

The Metro has firm facts: “Arsenal transfer news: Theo Walcott ready to seal move away this summer.” Does he want out? Would Arsenal miss him? The Star chips in:

Theo Walcott set to rock Arsenal with stunning transfer decision

If the Bleacher Report is right and Arsenal want shot of Walcott, his stunning decision would be to stay, right? The Star then cites its source:

According to Bleacher Report, the 27-year-old attacker will look for a move away from the Emirates if he’s left out of Roy Hodgson’s Euro 2016 squad. And Arsenal are apparently willing to listen to any offers that come in for the speed-merchant who’s played for the Gunners since 2006.

To put the tin lid on the ‘ifs’ and could’, we turn to another organ for more. We’re told Walcott’s pace is no longer what it was (so much for “speed merchant”) and he’s “fighting for his future” at Arsenal. You can read that in, er, The Bleacher Report.

Posted: 6th, April 2016 | In: Arsenal, Sports, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Irony overload: Cheryl Cole ditches X Factor for a career in music

The Sun has news on ‘nation’s sweetheart’ Cheryl Cole and her X Factor career:

cheryl cole x factor quit

 

Isn’t The X Factor a music… Oh, never mind.

Posted: 5th, April 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The rape of Radstock: the ‘foreign’ gang who might still be here

rapist bathThe Daily Mail and Sun want to tell you about Michelle Pavey, the victim of a sickening crime. Pavey, of Radstock, Bath, was raped in Bristol’s Eastville Park in November 2008. At 4:15pm. She is willing now to share the story of her ordeal

The Mail: ‘They were like a pack of wolves’: Woman relives the moment she was gang raped by five ‘foreign’ men as she went to pick up a KFC takeaway for her boyfriend”

The Sun: ‘They were like a pack of wolves’: Woman who was gang-raped by five ‘foreign’ men when she popped out for a KFC speaks about her horrific ordeal”

The headlines are almost identical. And the story is the same twice over: Michelle Pavey was raped by five man who dragged her into their car. Only one of the rapists was caught and tried. He’s Afghan asylum seeker Ahadullah Khughiani. In 2009 he was jailed for eight years for rape and stealing the victim’s mobile phone (he was cleared of kidnapping), and was recently deported.

The Bristol Post says police caught him because, “Evidence was found to match the DNA taken from Khughiani when he arrived in Britain in 2008 seeking asylum.”

Both national tabloids then add: “The other attackers are believed to have fled the country.”

Believed to have fled? They don’t know?

Posted: 5th, April 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Daily Mail praises Ronnie Corbett with brilliant caption error

Ronnie Corbett has died. I think he’s probably laughing at this Daily Mail caption error right now.

 

I think he's probably laughing at this caption error right now.

Posted: 31st, March 2016 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The world’s worst airline passenger

Any question posed in a headline can be answered ‘no’. The Metro’s Toby Meyjes asks: “Is this the worst airline passenger ever.”

 

airline passenger

 

No. The person in that pictured is not even the worst airline passenger of the day. But this chap might be:

 

passenger worst

 

Previously: Entebbe, 9/11 etc…

 

Posted: 31st, March 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


‘Shocking THIGH GAP jewellery’ gives women dicks

The Mail says Soo Kyung Bae has created “shocking THIGH GAP jewellery to highlight women’s ‘unhealthy obsession’ with super-skinny legs”.

Er, no, Daily Mail. Hanging a long pendant between a woman’s legs make her and you look a like a dick.

 

dick

 

 

Looking like a dick is what happens when you get your news from the Metro. The jewellery is not real. It’s just a campaign to get people talking about ‘thigh gap’ and how bad it is to crave a different body not suited to your build. In other news, you can read in the Mail:

  • The thigh-gap workout
  • Leggy Lawrence! Jennifer showcases her lithe pins

And on it goes.

Posted: 30th, March 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Adam Johnson joins prison’s Crazy Gang

Adam-JohnsonCan we rejoice in the news that “Footie paedo Adam Johnson ‘faces bloody razor torture’ in prison showers”? The Sun has heard that prisoners want to scar Johnson, the former Sunderland and England footballer jailed for sexually abusing an underage girl .

LAGS have warned shamed footie ace Adam Johnson faces being tortured with razors in the prison showers following his child sex conviction. The paedophile, 28, is reportedly on suicide watch at HM Prison Leeds as he begins a six-year sentence for grooming and sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl.

Torture and suicide are too good for him, eh. Of course, new prisoners are routinely place on suicide watch. As for the talk of Johnson being tortured inside a British prison, well, the source is unimpeachable:

One convicted killer warned the former England star against pulling any “millionaire strops” and urged him to get out of the sex offenders’ wing as quickly as possible if he wanted to avoid serious injury.

And, presumably, seek comfort in the company of murderers, thieves and budding jihadis?

Charles — who is nearing the end of a manslaughter sentence served in some of Britain’s toughest jails — …said: “They held him down, cut him across the nips, his face, his c**k and then one of the lads stuck a blade in his a**e.”

Nothing says you’re right-minded like sticking a knife in a man’s bum. But Charles has some better news for Johnson, who, given his interest in less usual sex acts, might consider such treatment tame, on a par with the stuff meted out to new recruits by Wimbledon FC’s self-styled ‘Crazy Gang’ or enduring an hour of Jimmy Bullard-style ‘banter’. Says Charles:

“He ain’t touched a baby or a ten-year-old but the longer he stays tucked up with that kind of scum the more suspicious other prisoners will get. Get on a normal wing, talk to a couple of the faces there and show them his papers and then just get on with it.

That’ll be £65,000 for the advice, Adam.

 

Posted: 29th, March 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0