Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Gossip Magazines Chase Women Because It’s What Bitchy Women Demand
IN “Boys Will Be Boys, Girls Will Be Hounded by the Media,” the New York Times notices that “Men who fall from grace are treated with gravity and distance, while women in similar circumstances are objects of derision, titillation and black comedy.”
“Without a doubt, women get rougher treatment, less sensitive treatment, more outrageous treatment,” says Ken Sunshine, a publicist whose clients include Ben Affleck and Barbra Streisand.
“I represent some pretty good-looking guys, and I complain constantly about the way they’re treated and covered. But it’s absolutely harder for the women I represent.”
“Almost no female magazines will put a solo male on the cover,” says Janice Min, the editor in chief of US Weekly. “You just don’t. It’s cover death. Women don’t want to read about men unless it’s through another woman: a marriage, a baby, a breakup.”
Lee Hackett, managing editor of People magazine says: “If Britney weren’t a mother, this story wouldn’t be getting a fraction of attention it’s getting. The fact that the custody of her children is at stake is the fuel of this narrative. If she were a single woman, bombing around in her car with paparazzi following, it wouldn’t be the same.”
Roger Friedman, an entertainment reporter for FoxNews.com, said that female stars tend to make more-compelling stories because “they are more emotional and open” about their problems. Male stars, he said, tend to be “circumspect.”
Keep saying it and you might just belive it yourself. It’s guff. What men and women enjoy is to bitch about the great and good, to see them done down.
Not that you want such and such to suffer, rather you care so much for Britney/ Lindsay and Paris that you need to understand. Poor her. The pretence is of empathy, but the real shared feeling is of the celebrity coming down to the readers’ level. And then watching them fall some way below. Wring your hands. Pity. Shame. Bitch.
Gossip magazines are read by people who are either truly sad and are genuinely interested in Britney’s bald head or knickerless crotch, or by the Daily Mail demographic who live their life in state of morbid fear that beyond the office grope, evening glass of white wine and privet fence, women are having a great time and not contracting herpes.
Spite is all. But instead of the outright bitch we have the likes of limp-wristed Perez Hilton, the self-aggrandizing, worthy, flabby, ersazt Dorothy Parker worrying about Britney Spears being mentally ill or dying while celebrating how may people log onto his site because, like him, his readers all care.
Hypocrisy and bilge. Gossip magazine readers like to see women suffer. Heat is Hate, OK !is KO-ed and Hello! is oHell!.
The rest is just a lie…
Posted: 16th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Coco Is Real To The Touch, And Ice-T
ICE T and his lover Coco are in covnersation with Playboy:
on what Ice-T likes her to wear during sex:
“He loves heels — it’s gotta be some freak heels. I wear them in bed all the time. I actually keep a pair of shoes next to the bed, just in case I don’t have them on and we start gettin’ busy…I can throw them on. When I get a new pair of shoes I’m gonna have them right next to the bed, because that’s the first place I’m gonna wear them.”
on her favorite position:
“I love doggy style. But he gets to see more of it, so I like mirrors. We have a wall of mirrors facing the bed. He’s always got a better view; so sometimes he’ll take pictures for me, so I can see it from his view. We get aroused by that stuff.”
on her oral sex skills:
“I think it’s an art. I have my way of using my hands, my head, my hair — my whole body. I’m actually making a performance out of it; I like performing. So if he’s doing it to me I can’t really give a performance like if I’m doing it to him.”
on her ass being fake:
“My butt of course is a hundred percent au naturel. We’ll do tests; [Ice] will let women touch my butt, feel it, grab it, whatever they want to do, to prove that there’s nothing in there.”
on her favorite music to get freaky to:
“Yeah, Keith Sweat has a really nice beat.”
on sex in unusual places:
“We’ll do it in club bathrooms, and there’s usually bodyguards around — we’re doing a lot of appearances at clubs, so ya know. ”
on her pet names for Ice-T:
“I call him Baby Poo. He calls me, “Bitch, get over here.”
Posted: 16th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Danielle Lloyd’s £2million Offer, With Nectar Points
AN advert on the Daily Star’s cover page: “DANI – £2m for my body.”
Might it be that Danielle Lloyd has been forced to pay for her own body, and perhaps unable to meet the bills from sprayologists, nip’n’tuckers and air brush enthusiasts, she is turning to the Star readers for help?
If so, dig deep, Star readers and keep Danielle’s body in the style to which it has become accustomed.
If Danielle cannot pay her bills, she will have to be scrubbed and unstuffed, leaving behind a shell of the woman we know as “Wasn’t she the nasty cow from Big Brother?”
Of course, we may have read the headline wrong. It might be that Danielle is offering her body to Star readers for £2million. In which instance “Trucker Danny” on the M25 wonders if she will accept nectar points.
Over to you, Dani..?
Posted: 16th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Posh And Becks Marry Again: VIII.V.MMVI
“POSH AND BECKS WED AGAIN.”
The Mirror’s front-page headline is a sensation. David Beckham and Victoria have married once more. “New vows and new tattoos,” trills the Mirror. Well, what do you get the couple who have so much?
To the grounds of Beckingham Palace. A guest says: “We were in tears. It was beautiful and very non-showbiz.”
Indeed, what could be less “showbiz” that Day-vid and Vicky standing in the grounds of their UK mansion, repeating their own vows and marking the big day by tattooing the ceremony date on their wrists in Roman numerals?
As the Mirror notes the tattoo says “VIII.V.MMVI”. Out with old Latin book and we see that Posh and Becks were remarried on… 8 March 2006.
It’s a sensation. Look out for other Mirror scoops and “EXCLUSIVES”:
“Man Lands on Moon” – Dies Veneris vii Junius MCMLXIX
Newspapers run out of stories – Dies Saturni iii Februarius MMVIII
And so on…
Posted: 16th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Newspapers Relief At Paul McCartney And Lady Mills Divorce Deal
“WE have worked it out,” says the headline on the Mail’s cover. In the nick of time Lady Heather Mills and Paul McCartney (aka Hank Marvin) have managed to secure a divorce deal.
Many thought the papers would run out of puns before Mucca and Macca agreed to disagree.
Only yesterday the Daily Star showed signs of fatigue with: “MACCA HAIR IS STARTING TO PAUL OUT.” Even the qualifying “he goes bald over divorce row” could not prevents readers scratching their own heads.
But now the good news is that they can go their separate ways and the headline writers can stand down.
As for the deal: Lady Mills, 40, “is to receive a £20million lump sum with further £2.5million annual payments until their four-year-old daughter Beatrice reaches 18.”
Posted: 16th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (14)
Tabloid Pun Of The Day: David Beckham
LAYDIES and gentallmen, in the Daily Star: “BLAND EATS LIKE BECKS – POSH BANS RED MEAT AND MAKES HIM NOSH SUSHI.”
Posted: 16th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Madonna Hyphens Up Filth And Wisdom
MADONNA is in a new “romantic-musical-comedy drama”, says the Mail. It’s called Filth And Wisdom, which sounds like the name of a theme pub in Soho, or the legend of a club for earnest English Literature students.
It’s the story of a Ukranian immigrant who funds dreams of becoming a rock-star by moonlighting as a cross-dressing dominatrix.
The star is not Madonna but Gogol Bordello. He’s lead singer in a gypsy-punk-rock band.
Filth And Wisdom, or Filth-and-Wisdom, promises to do for the hyphen what Hale & Pace did for the ampersand.
It-cannot-fail…
Posted: 15th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Christiana Aguilera Journeys To The C Zone
SAYS Christiana Aguilera in HELLO! magazine: “I’d read horror stories about tearing. I really wanted a calm and peaceful environment. I didn’t want any surprises.”
Miss Aguilera opted to give birth by C(elebrity)-Section, forgoing the option of a peace-making Scientology birthing dummy and drugs in favour of the safer option of being cut open.
“It’s just an unbelievable experience,” says she, “the whole journey…”
Anorak can remember when celebrities talked about being in “that place”. Now they make a “journey”. You get in the car. They make a journey.
“We can’t stop staring at him,” says Christina. “We study him.”
And now thanks to her photo montage, so can we…
Posted: 15th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comment
Amy Winehouse Covers Up Tattoo For America
AMY Winehouse. New tooth. New blonde hair, albeit housed beneath a knitted bee hive.
New tan. And a fuller bosom.
Grammy winning Amy Winehouse has already cracked America, but she seems aware at how they like their celebrities over there – shrink-wrapped out of the box rebellion.
So here’s Winehouse in the Star, her tattoo of a topless stunna adapted for the American market. The nipples are coloured in, so that her ‘Girl’ is now wearing a black bra.
Not, not a red one. Ho-ho. It’s a black one, which is much more demure.
Look out for Winehouse cracking the Iranian market by swaddling her tattoo in a burka, Vatican City by dressing her in a wimple and the Swedish market by sticking a plastic policeman’s helmet on her head and piecing her nipples with birch twigs……
Posted: 15th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Ashley Cole Makes Aimee Walton’s Man Feel Sick
ASHLEY Cole has been accused of cheating on his Cheryl Cole with one Aimee Walton.
Vomitous Ashley is in the mire – Ms Walton claiming that the England footballer yawned a bright technicolour during their night of magic.
Now read in the Star of one Andre Stephens who says he had sex with Aimee hours after her alleged romp with Cole. Andre now fears he has contracted a venereal disease.
Says Andre: “It’s like a nightmare. Just thinking about them two at it like rabbits makes me sick.”
Well, if he wants to win her back, needs mush and all that…
Posted: 15th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
The Perfume Of Natalie Portman’s Vegan Shoes
ONCE they all had perfumes. Each morning teams of olofactorologists would scrape the sheets of Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham and P Diddy and distil the collected detritus into an official scent.
But that was then. This season, the celebrity way calls for a range of shoes. First Paris Hilton introduced us to her range of footwear.
Now Natalie Portman has her shoes to peddle.
As Page Six Notes:
She gave 15 minutes of interviews before going back into hiding. Guests waited impatiently while sipping on Casa Lapostolle wines, which Portman chose because they are organic and biodynamic to go along with her vegan shoe line.
Vegan shoes. Shoes with eating issues. And you know what vegans smell like…
Posted: 15th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Evangeline Lilly Is Allergic To Lost
EVANGELINE Lilly is in Lost.
Says she: “As soon as I found out about the strike I got off the island. Island fever is not a joke. It’s something everyone in Hawaii experiences. I’m allergic to Hawaii. Everything there makes me react in some way. I have spent the last four years with allergic reactions, or sick. On the way out, a spore or something got in my eye. The pink wet flesh inside my eye just closed up. I started to see fuzzy and everything was out of focus.”
Anorak knows the feeling. We too have seen Lost…
Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Spielberg Snubs Olympics And Paris Hilton Snubs Darfur
“SPIELBERG snubs the Olympics.” So says the Express on news that Hollywood film director Stephen Spielberg is boycotting the Beijing Olympic Games. Big news, right up there with:
Paris Hilton snubs Darfur
Sarah Ferguson snubs Nobel Peace Prize
Gordon Smart snubs Pulitzer
Osama bin Laden snubs Baftas
And many more…
Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Adnan Ghalib Rows With Paparazzi
ADNAN Ghalib is a friend to Britney Spears. He may even be her husband.
Adnan Ghalib is a (former?) paparazzo is caught having a go at other photographers for taking his picture. He is stood with police. He is wearing sunglasses.
Says Adnan ghalib to the snappers:
“You guys have got better ways of making money, huh… That’s the extreme you guys have to go to make a buck these days. Me personally, I work 20 hours a day, seven days a week.”
Define work…
Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Jade Goody Meets Jeremy Beadle
JEREMY Beadle is stood by Jade Goody.
“Jade Goody, You’ve been Beadled,” says the Sun. It’s a “homage” to “stunt king” Beadle, “TV’s greatest prankster”.
Beadle has been buried. But there is a remembrance service to come ,and who knows if that will be the cue for Beadle to pop up and say “Gotcha!”.
The Sun’s Beadle tribute sees two pretend coppers arrive at Jade’s Essex home. All eyes are on her Bentley car.
“Don’t tell me I’ve bought a stolen car – it’s not one of them car that’s been stuck together with another one is it?” asks Jade.
We look at the car, which appears as a composite blend of its bits of Volvo, Rolls Royce and fleet BMW.
“Are you familiar with the term cut and shut?” asks DI Dickens. (This is a real actor and not one of the UK’s celebrity coppers.)
Jade wonders. Is that when you say ‘Shut yer mahf or I’ll cut yer?’ “Oh no,” says Jade.
Jade is worried. And then the picture of Jeremy Beadle pops up from behind a bush. “Jade Goody, you’ve been Beadled.”
And everyone falls about laughing…
Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Cheryl Cole Takes The Ashley Cole Vomit-N-Tell Diet
“ASHLEY is damaged goods. How can I trust him again.” This is “STICK-THIN CHERYL’S AGONY.”
A million Arsenal fans nod their heads and skip lightly off the scales. Ashley may be a rat, but he is great at shedding those unwanted pounds.
Although looking at “skeletal”, “pencil-thin”, “six stone” Cheryl on the Sun’s front page, readers may wonder if she looks any different to the usual pre-vomit-n-tell Cheryl.
Cheryl, we learn, is “reflecting on her troubles in a Thai sanctuary”. She has, as reported, told a pal: “How can I trust my fella again? He’s damaged goods.”
Says a “holidaymaker: “That bastard Ashley has a lot to answer for.”
“Meanwhile,” says the Sun, “Ashley was pictured larking around”, larks captured over three photographs.
Look away, Cheryl, lest you, like dear Ashley Cole, allegedly, feel sick…
Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
HooRAH Henry, Prince William’s Oasis Is Shattered
PRINCE William and Prince Harry are RAHS.
This, as Grazia magazine tells us, means they are “Royals And Heiresses”. They are HooRAH Henrys. No big departure for HooRAY Henrys (Rich And Young), but on such details are the reputations of magazines made.
Wills and Harry Baseball Cap are also “the new Noel and Liam”, believed not to be Irish footballer of yore Liam Brady and resurgent TV personality Noel Edmonds, rather Liam and Noel Gallagher, popular singers and champions of wrapping up in a chill wind. (“Hoods and Anoraks on, kids!” is their catchphrase.)
No sign of a scarf and woolly hat for Wills on the Mail’s front page, but he is sat before 14 bottles of alcopops and two pints of lager.
Can it be that having dabbled in the City, the Armed Forces and as a peacenik, Wills is now learning to be a hellraising rock ‘n’ roll star?
“William and the clubber slashed with a bottle,” comes the headline. And we wonder some more.
“Our future king on a boys’ night out. An hour later in the same nightclub, a reveller is slashed with a broken bottle.”
Are the two things linked? “ROYAL EXCLUSIVE,” announces the Star on its front page. “WILLS GLASS ATTACK HORROR.”
Wills is on a “larger and vodka bender”. He is “caught up in a vicious attack”. There is a “bloodbath”.
To the Barracuda club in Newquay, Cornwall.
“I WAS BOTTLED AT PRINCE WILLIAMS £1-A-DRINK PUB.” So says the Mirror’s front-page headline, which makes it seem as though Wills is drinking for research purposes, having opened a nice little boozer on the south coast.
But look out! Dan O’Callaghan has “just spotted Wills” and his. Dan is having a row with two men. A broken bottle is introduced to his face. And 25 stitches later (35 stitches, says the Mail) he is speaking to the Mirror.
“I watched Wills down £1 drinks… then thugs did THIS to my face,” says the headline, a neat surmising of the night’s events.
Are the two events linked? Did looking at Wills earn Dan a bottling, or glassing as the Star has it, exclusively?
In what way are the two things connected? We need to know. This one could run and run…
Posted: 14th, February 2008 | In: Grazia, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)
The Big Brother Star Gets A Colonic In A Mad World
“YES, it’s a mad world we live in but that’s how we live our lives,” says OK!’s woman of the moment as she shows us around her “new pastel pink St Alban’s house that she recently bought with her fiance – and her ex-therapist – Steve McKeown.”
Anorak wonders at the rights and wrongs of shacking up with one’s former therapist. In a moment of heated debate, or row, the therapist may not argue back but just take notes and so inflame the situation. He may then present you with a bill, and a week later submit a full report on your mental wellbeing.
Steve dresses in a Hawaiian shit with matching shorts, sunglasses, a straw hat and with one foot resting on a plastic (?) crab. He is in the lounge of – you might not have guessed it – Michelle Bass’s home.
The intention seems to be to affect an air of ease and fun, but Steve succeeds only in looking unhinged and on the verge of doing something untoward with the pink electric guitar (not plugged in) he is strumming.
Michelle is in a bikini, string dress and a huge plastic garland. She is holding a tambourine.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK!, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Kerry Katona’s Guide to Celebrity: Knickers
KERRY Katona’s guide to celebrity in OK!: “Well, I didn’t think much of that Demi Moore pose that Javine Hilton did for a magazine.
“I was asked by MTV to do the same pose, but I said no. It’s been so overdone… The recent photo-shoot I did for a newspaper in my undies showed enough of me.”
That’s how trends begin…
Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comments (3)
Lily Allen Quote Of The Day
LILY Allen quote of the day.
After the , Lily prepares the finale to the BBC 3 chat show…
Those licence fee questions and answers in full…
Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
The Manilow Method Blows Away The Youthful Mosquito
DUM-dum-dum-bleep-bleep. Hey what’s that sound, kids?
A new song by far out Alvin Stardust?
No, it the Mosquito, a device that emits s sound detectable only to the ear of persons below the age of 20. It’s used to repel the toughs from shopping malls and street corners. But now the Children’s Commissioner for England, one Professor Al Aynsley-Green, says the device is “demonising” young people.
Says a voice for the Children’s Trust: “These devices are indiscriminate and target all young people, including babies.” Sami Chakrabarti tells the Mail that it’s a “sonic weapon directed against young people”.
But there is an alternative. No, not to place huge video screens on wasteland and over ravines so attract youth toward them – they really will watch anything so long as it’s on a screen.
The plan, as the Express notes, is to blast Barry Manilow out over loud speakers. Not the real Manilow, rather his music. This will “drive young rowdies away from street corners”.
Richard Stokoe, a spokesman for the Local Government Association, says the Manilow Method could work. It sounds like something the North Koreans would use to increase procreation rates. But in the UK one blast of Mandy is enough to see the nippers off.
Of course, the problem, is that the youth can move away, but the shopkeeper cannot, Mr Sherbet Lemons forced to listen to Mandy and Copacabana on loop morning, noon and night. Madness beckons.
On a brighter note, the ruffians will associate Manilow with rebellion and the singer will see a new audience for his work…
Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Jeremy Beadle Approaches
“FAREWELL to Beadle,” says the Express.
The paper says tomorrow the prankster will be buried. Anorak liked Beadle and cannot help but think this is all part of his greatest jape yet.
As the mourners bow their heads and bend to throw some earth into the grave, the message “Kick Me” – from notes stuck to their pew seats – is made clear.
The sound of boots on gravel. A bearded man in a policeman’s hat approaches from the rear…
Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Amy Winehouse And Tottenham Hotspurs: Ups And Downs
AMY Winehouse’s brother Alex is writing in the Times. Amy wins five Grammy awards, and brother Alex embarks on a career in journalism. Such is the way of the celebrity media. He is front-page news.
“She’s back among us. This time we hope it’s for real,” says the headline over pages 8 and 9. The back story: “A weekend to remember ended in triumph for the singer. Now Alex Winehouse hopes that his sister has conquered her demons.”
Now read on…
First up, we learn that Alex is a fan of Tottenham Hotspur football club. He talks about three “hard-earned” points at Derby and receiving his League Cup final tickets.
(Note to sports editor: Alex can cover the final.)
“The next day I got my sister back, and had a front row seat to see her kick ass [surely, arse] and take over the world.”
What happens next is less about Winehouse than about Alex taking a drink, sitting down, jumping around and sitting down again. Football fans, like Alex, will know the routine well.
And something occurs to us. Can it be that Winehouse’s career is tied to the fortune of Spurs? The Times provides a list of key dates in the Winehouse life:
September 14, 1982 – Amy Jade Winehouse born, Southgate, North London.
The news is sandwiched between home defeat to Manchester City (1-2; Sept 11) and a victory over Sunderland (0-1, 18 Sept).
Verdict: It augurs well.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 13th, February 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment (1)
Britney Spears Esse Est Percipi
FIRST Pete Doherty entertains the kiddy-winkies, now we learn that Britney Spears is teaching a gaggle of young children to dance at the Millennium Dance Complex in North Hollywood.
Do agents and celebrities watch The Simpsons as a fly-on-the-wall, slice-of-life documentary?
While the hoi polloi see satire, stage school types and celebs looking for a new act see the show’s Krusty the Clown as a successful showbiz personality, the epitome of how it can be if you really want it enough.
As George Berkeley oput it: “”Esse est percipi” – “To be is to be perceived”…
Posted: 12th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Reese Witherspoon Supports Bullying And Teasing
REESE Witherspoon is the star of a new film, Penelope, about a girl who stumbles through life as an outcast because she has pig ears and a snout.
With no male romantic lead to fall in love with, Reese is forced to promote the movie by relaying how the film touched her, was a journey of self–discovery and touched her inner Pigsy.
Oscar winning blonde Withersoon, says: “I was always really short and really underdeveloped and had big Coke bottle glasses. I think that’s where I got a personality from, man. I wouldn’t give any of it back, not a day.”
In 1983 Witherspoon breaks into modeling and lands an acting gig at age 7, shooting a TV commercial for a florist. She continues doing local commercials and takes first place in a Ten-State Talent Fair at age 11.
Because: “Those are sort of formative experiences. I wouldn’t want my children to miss out on any of that teasing and bullying. Don’t you think it kind of makes you who you are — when you don’t make the soccer team?”
Reese has two children by Ryan Phillippe. Ava and Deacon are the children of photogenic, blonde Hollywood talent. They shouldn’t miss out on the teasing, especially if there’s an short, overweight ginger kid in their class…
Posted: 12th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
