Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Circus Hour, With Candy Kirby And 14
ANORAK spots a new site – Circus Hour by Candy Kirby and 14.
Rare for Americans to understand the UK tabloid – Matt Drudge links to Daily Mail horror stories as newsworthy – but here are two who get it…
Posted: 20th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Pregnant Notes With Britney Spears
WANT to know what Britney Spears smells like?
Antispectic top notes with base signatures of rubber, flat cider and screw top jar.
While the Mirror and Sun wonder if Spears is pregnant again, the Mirror also reports that Eau de Spears is the nation’s favourite celebrity smell. More of us want to smell like Britney until bathtime than we do Kylie Minogue, the Beckhams, Jennifer Lopez, Sarah Jessica Parker and P Diddy.
Ever since screen legend Elizabeth Taylor gave us White Diamonds, celebrities have been scraping their morning sheets and creating bottled essences of themselves.
The Anorak has yet to meet all celebrities – only Tony Blair has (buy his Lucre scent soon).But most celebrities smell of tangerines laid over a bed of dry white wine and warmed taxi seat.
Unless they mask their natural ordour with perfume and all end up smelling like Britney Spears…
Posted: 20th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Cruz Beckham Is Little Jimmy Osmond
CRUZ Beckham. Up end it like Beckham. On yer ‘ead son. Over ‘ere. On yer head:
Momma, I love you. C’mon Cruz, sing along. Momma I love you. Say it. Sing it. C’mon you little swi….
Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Courteney Cox Arse About Face
IN “WHAT’S WRONG WITH COURTENEY”, Grazia magazine pulls on its doctor’s coat and therapist’s wringing hands and diagnoses Courtney Cox, Hollywood actress.
Courteney is “frail and gaunt”, which may well be this year’s signature look. “In Hollywood, you get your bottom half to be the right size, your face may have to be a little gaunt,” says Cox. “You choose your battles.”
Upsettingly, there is no picture of the Courteney lower regions, Grazia preferring to focus on the upper Cox. As such, we cannot tell which part of the greater Cox warzone is taking the high ground, unable to see which battle is being won and which lost. At a guess, though, given the look of Cox’s face, we can guess that her backside is as round and ripe as a fresh-plucked nectarine.
The face may, however, look more like the stone within the nectarine, and friends are said to be concerned. Readers learn that Jennifer Aniston has sent Cox a chef to “encourage Courtney to start eating better and more regularly”.
We are then afforded an insight into the Cox-Aniston eating regime and how they have indulged in “food mirroring”. Children under the age of seven may know this as “she’s copying me”.
Says Grazia: “Each morning they both had a bagel with the bread scooped out and for lunch they always ordered the same low-calorie salad of turkey, lettuce, chickpeas, pecorino cheese and lemon dressing.”
In addition, Cox and Aniston are said to follow “Budokon, a fat-free shake which combines energetic martial arts movements with yoga and meditation”.
When supple enough, the hope is that Cox can ruminate on her backside and in a downward dog pass it off as her face…
Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Grazia | Comment
Natasha Kaplinksy Is Quentin Letts’ On-Air Air Hostess
NATASHA Kaplinksy is on the sofa. Natasha Kaplinsky is being watched by the Mail’s adolescent Harry Potter, Quentin Letts.
The headline to his review: “Her blouse was unbuttoned well south of Watford. But news? Oh, dear, Natasha..”
It’s up to Bedfordshire for Little Letts as he dreams of Kaplinsky and her open-necked blouse and denim jeans.
There was a time when men fantasised over nurses. Then came women in combat uniform, air hostesses and supermodels. With each new episode of female emancipation a new male lust.
There was a period when women newsreaders were the stuff of daydreams, but then it passed. Now Kaplinsky is sat on a sofa and men are watching, or at least the Mail’s everyman is.
What the next object of male urges will be is hard to say. But it won’t be Ms Kaplinsky. It’s more likely to be female footballers, female celebrity chefs or World’s Strongest Women…
Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
The Osbourne’s Naked Ambition
“NAKED OZZY BANNED FROM BRITS,” announces the Star’s front-page headline.
Ozzy Osbourne and his pixie-voiced wife Sharon are to present the Brit awards, UK pop’s AGM.
Says Sharon in the Sun: “Everybody keeps saying about autocues and s***. It’s not a contest to see who can say as many wrong words as possible.” Nor is it a swearing contest, which Sharon’s language would render a non-contest.
It’s is also not a strip show. The Star says a team of bouncers is on standby lest Ozzy take his clothes off on stage.
Given the nature of the vibrating Ozzy, the bouncers may have a job to keep him earthbound.
And as for taking off his clothes, the fear is surely less of a shocker than of Ozzy wrestling with his socks and buttons and making the show run into the following week…
Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Richard And Judy’s In The Club Club
NEWS in the Sun that Richard Madeley’s daughter Chloe “calls herself Canary – after wife Judy conceived on the islands”.
Most children would prefer not to know that their parents ever have sex, let alone be able to name the location of their coitus.
But if this is the way of things, a furthering of the trend began by Brooklyn Beckham, India Knight and Harlow Richie we urge caution for those of you atmepting procreation in Bald Knob (USA), Bumbang (Australia) Fuku (China), Rim (Chad) or Ashton-under-Lyme…
Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Lily Allen Quote Of The Day: Knickers
LILY Allen Quote of the Day, via the Sun: Lily Allen responds to the news that she is to be dropped as the face of lingerie chain Agent Provocateur.
Lily is said to be “gutted”.
Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Paul Missing And Lady Heather Mills Looking For Shaky
AT the “11th hour” Paul McCartney attempts a “high-risk legal stunt” and stands up Lady Heather Mills.
So says the Mail. Both parties are due to sign their divorce settlement, an agreement for Paul to give Lady Heather £20million and £2.5million over the next 14 years.
Shocking stuff. Shocking enough for Jenny, “18, from the Wirral”, to appear in the Sun without her clothes on and tell us: “I can’t believe this court battle is still rumbling on.”
“Judge to decide how much Heather gets,” says the Express. The paper reports that Paul was “Clearly unable to bear any more of the courtroom salvos from Ms Mills, 65-year-old Sir Paul did not attend the High Court in London yesterday.”
No calculated ploy then, rather an aged man rising above it all. The Mail says the move is intended to save Paul money, allowing High Court judge Mr Justice Bennett to set the terms of Mills’ recompense.
But might there be another reason? Might it be that, ever the showman, Paul is making ready to announce himself as one Hank Marvin, who replaced Paul when he died some years ago?
Mindful of this we read in the Star that Mills is “searching for a new man”. She wants a man who is her financial equal (to be established) and aged between 45 and 60.
Old Mr Anorak The Younger fits the bill, or Shakin’ Stevens, as his friends known him by…
Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Dancing On Ice: Celebrity Cull Moves To Families
TO the Dancing On Ice TV show, the extravaganza that seeks to reduce the UK’s celebrity mountain by offing minor stars with blades.
Readers of less certain stomach are encouraged to stare at presenter Holly Willoughby’s chest.
Many have fallen. And now grim news that the father of Willoughby’s co-presenter Phillip Schofield, is ill.
Says an insiders of Schofield’s “secretly dashed” moments: “One minute he’d be giving a flawless performance on Dancing On Ice and 40 minutes later he’d be climbing into a put-up bed by his dad’s side.”
Sun readers learn that this is “an inspiration”.
We are unsure who we should feel inspired other than to wish Mr Schofield, and his father Brian, the best of luck and hope that none of the dancers suffers too greatly…
Update: It was the saddest moment of TV this weekend..as Steve Backley was booted off Dancing With Ice, his four-year-old daughter Ellese burst into tears before millions of viewers.”
With right counselling and therapy, Ellese might pull through the trauma. These are worrying time for celebrities. Kill them off by all means. But is there any need to go after their families too?
Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
C-Day As Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Cole Colours Ashley Bad
IT’S GIRLS ALOUD on holiday in Los Angeles.
Kimberley Walsh is spotted by the Mail looking the “colour of a well polished Chippendale sideboard”. Thomas Chippendale died in 1779, and Miss Walsh is said to be 26 years old.
Walsh is either older than she looks and preserved wonderfully by a Ronseal finish, or else the Chippendale to which the Mail refers is a Chippendale dancer, the only male stripping troupe with a range of home furnishings.
To her side is Miss Nicola Roberts, who appears to have misread the label and become dipped in creosote.
But this is to distract from the central plank that is Cheryl Cole. As the Sun’s Gordon Smart says this is C-day. It is C for Cheryl, although given Smart’s appearance in light grey suit, pink tie and belligerent expression, the C may signify something else.
The Sun says tonight Cheryl will come face-to-face with her husband Ashley Cole, the vomitous footballer.
If Aimee Walton’s testimony is to be believed, Cheryl would do well to stand back and keep a box of tissues and some anti-bacterial wipes to hand…
Posted: 19th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Mark Steel And SWP
MARK Steel has sensationally … left the SWP:
Mark Steele spoke to a packed Green Left fringe on saturday and was very funny and radical, good on how socialist need to rethink strategy, good on climate change and good on the media. He said he had left the SWP which surprised me.
Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comment
Is your Child Worth More Than Chelsea, Max Or Harlow?
CHELSEA Clinton campaigns for her mum and get “pimped out”.
Meanwhile:
Christina Aguilera was paid $2million for the baby pics of her new son Max.
Nicole Richie is getting $1 million for photos of her Harlow, as reported.
My child is talented
Your child is precocious
Their child has ADT
Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comment (1)
Marley & Me: A Dog
Owen Wilson and Jennier Aniston star in: Marley & Me, based on a memoir, depicts the lives of a young columnist and his wife, also a reporter, who move to South Florida and adopt an incredible puppy named Marley.
“I could not put it down…” – Anorak
Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Wake And Blake: Amy Winehouse’s Pet Joey
BLAKE Fielder-Hosiptal, husband to Amy Winehouse, is in jail, and in the Sun.
Says a source: “Blake has to pay for his gear somehow – and he has no qualms about cashing in on his wife’s fame. He’ll take orders from other inmates then ask Amy to bring in signed photos of herself during visits. He usually gets her to write a little personalised note to make it look authentic. Once he’s back on the wing he’ll swap these for Joeys.
“The boys think they’ll get a few quid for them on eBay. It’s not clear whether she knows exactly what’s going on . . . but she must find it strange that all these so-called prison hardmen have suddenly become starstruck Amy Winehouse fans.”
Hardmen. Prison. Drug habit. Hard men. Anyone seen Ross Kemp? (Enough already – ed)...
Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Paul McCartney And Heather Mills’ Dirty Linen
LADY Heather Mills has been told to destroy documents. A source tells the Mirror: “It’s highly sensitive information that must remain private at all costs.”
Heather is “believed” to have accepted their demand and also “allegedly agreed” to destroy all video and audio evidence relating to the four-year marriage. She “claims” to have a tape of ex-Beatle Sir Paul, 65, “allegedly confessing” to hitting late wife Linda.
Believed. Allegedly. Claims. The facts just keep on coming.
The “source” adds: “Heather doesn’t want to be banned from talking about her marriage and Paul doesn’t want damaging details leaking out. This is the compromise they have been looking for. Both sides have yet to put pen to paper but it’s looking hopeful.”
A source tells the Sun: “He wants to get on with life. The last thing he needs is an appeal, which would force all their dirty linen into the public arena.”
Indeed, not. As Anorak readers know, Paul McCartney died many years ago and was replaced in The Beatles line up by Hank Marvin. As for dirty linen, Lady Mills’ work with baby oil has been well documented…
Paul Is Dead: One Abbey Road Beatle Remains
Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)
Jagging Up With Amy Winehouse
TABLOID Headline Of The Day: “The Rolling Stones warn Amy Winehouse to stay off drugs.”
After Keith Richards’ views, Sir Mick Jagger, 64, who was jailed in 1967 for possessing drugs, opines: “When we were experimenting, little was known about the effects. In our time, there were no rehab centres. Anyway, I didn’t know about them.”
So not quite as the headline promises.
Indeed, many may wonder if Winehouse should stay on the mind-altering drugs, or at last pass them on to other budding performers who want to be as famous and successful as she and the Rolling Stones.
Perhaps the UK’s performing arts industry could invest in a small poppy holding in Afghanistan, a laboratory in rural Essex or a cannabis farm in Hackney and drop product in the wannabes’ water?
The one proviso would be that all non-talent stays off the drugs, lest no work get done and the resulting productions resemble nothing more than a very long drone…
Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
The Heath Ledger Sick Joker Toy
HEATH Ledger is dead. But he lives on. Bow your heads and pray for Heath Ledger the laughing toy.
Admittedly, not as offensive as the VirboLedger, the Brokeback Mountain male sex toy (with chaps and stirrups), nor the Skeleton Ledger, nor the Ledger Hot Poker, but no less of a sensation.
The Star says Ledger plays The Joker in Batman flick The Dark Knight. The movie, we learn, is set to be this summer’s major blockbuster.
And to mark its imminent arrival, and just a week after his funeral, Ledger’s Joker dolls have been unveiled.
The doll comes in two versions. The first comes with a rocket launcher that can be put in the Joker’s hand. The second sees his character armed with a knife.
Says a spokesman for the star’s family: “Heath was very proud of his work in the film and his family is aware and supportive of the plans for the movie of Warner Bros and its partners.”
It’s all very tasteful. And fans of the film should look out for the Heath Ledger Sick Joke Book, coming, by our estimations, four weeks after the tragedy…
Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Richard & Judy’s Secret Chat
“RICHARD & JUDY IN SECRET £4M TALKS.”
Front page news on the Daily Mirror of Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan, champions of daytime telly chatter.
And a little contest to kick the week of. Are these high–priced secret talks:
a) A new exclusive chatshow for the super rich?
b) A private chat with the Sultan of Brunei’s son, who has hired Richard & Judy to talk to him on his birthday?
c) Richard & Judy Unplugged – The Tour?
d) Richard and Judy speaking to lawyers and dividing up their wealth and chattels?
e) Plans to keep Richard & Judy on the airwaves?
The correct answer is (b). No, that really was a secret.
The answer is (e). Richard & Judy have announced they are quitting television. And now “TV’s golden couple have done a U-turn and are now hawking the popular Channel 4 programme around rival stations in an effort to stop it being consigned to broadcasting history”.
A “senior source” at programme-makers Cactus Television tells us: “We are talking to various different broadcasters about various different projects for post-September.”
Anyone who wants to know more can call 0800RJSECRET and find out. Calls cost £120 a minute, o.n.o. Let’s hit that £4milion, people!
All calls may not be recorded…
Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Richard & Judy: What D’Yer Think Of It Sofa?
RICHARD & JUDY Update: The Mirror hails Richard & Judy’s “20 YEARS ON THE SOFA”, a headline that pretty much sums up their lives and those of their viewers.
It’s interactive TV at its most pioneering.
Posted: 18th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Paul Is Dead: One Abbey Road Beatle Remains
LADY Heather Mills agrees a divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, real name Hank Marvin, and now Paul Cole is dead. As the influential Stuart News, Florida, reports:
On a London vacation with his wife, Cole — then a resident of Deerfield Beach — declined to enter a museum on the north London thoroughfare.
“I told her, ‘I’ve seen enough museums. You go on in, take your time and look around and so on, and I’ll just stay out here and see what’s going on outside,'” he recalled.
Parked just outside was a black police van. “I like to just start talking with people,” Cole said. “I walked out, and that cop was sitting there in that police car. I just started carrying on a conversation with him. I was asking him about all kinds of things, about the city of London and the traffic control, things like that. Passing the time of day.”
In the picture, Cole is standing next to the police van.
It’s the Abbey Road album cover. The one on which Paul McCartney is proclaimed dead and Hank Marvin – or is Tommy Steele? – takes his place:
It was 10 a.m., Aug. 8, 1969. Photographer Iain McMillan was on a stepladder in the middle of the street, photographing the four Beatles as they walked, single-file, across Abbey Road, John Lennon in his famous white suit, Paul McCartney without shoes. The entire shoot lasted 10 minutes.
“I just happened to look up, and I saw those guys walking across the street like a line of ducks,” Cole remembered. “A bunch of kooks, I called them, because they were rather radical-looking at that time. You didn’t walk around in London barefoot.”
Not unless Paul had died….
Posted: 17th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Curtains Drawn On Pete Doherty’s Lounge Music
PETE Doherty has given up the works for work.
We journey to Pete Doherty’s front room, a residence in Burbage near Marlborough, Wiltshire, where the children’s entertainer is performing for a young American entrepreneur.
The American, one Greg Thomas, has paid Doherty £15,000 for the privilege.
Says one Paul Roundhill: “This guy loves Pete. It’s going to be really great. I just hope Pete is straight enough to perform. I think someone might have given him some drugs as he’s out of it at the moment. But I’m going to wake him up when they get here.”
As the Mail reports, when the show began Thomas got the full Doherty Experience.
Readers learn that Doherty was hardly able to stand. Undeterred Thomas waited seven hours for his hero to right himself for the hour-long show.
Says an insider: “They certainly got value for money. They had a real insight into who Pete really is.”
Says Peter Doherty: “Great to meet you.”
The crowd may have whooped, as is the tendency with Americans, and screamed “Yoo da man!”
Doherty gathers himself: “The gig went really well. It was really nice. I got to try out lots of new material. These people were real aficionados. They certainly know their stuff. Everything I played went down really well, from old songs all the way through to my new stuff which no one’s heard.”
And in words that could be uttered by any number of solo male British pop acts thanking their fans post-gig – from Gareth Gates, to Rick Astley and Darius Danesh:
“They were a really nice couple as well. They’ve got three children and it was just nice all round, all for a bit of pocket money.”
Pete Doherty will be performing again soon. Dress casual. Show starts whenever any of you can get there.
Curtains draw at 9pm sharp…
Posted: 17th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Getting Under Heather Mills Nails: Co-ordinated Bras, Toe Jobs And a Newman
“WHO will colour coordinate my bras – The bizarre world of Heather Mills, by her manicurist.”
Says the Mail On Sunday:
“It was a request she could not refuse. But when manicurist Kerry Newman was summoned by Heather Mills-McCartney, her heart was in her mouth. What – and who – would she find at Heather’s £2 million beach-front home? The aggrieved single mother battling through the most prominent divorce case in British legal history, or a truculent diva whose temper is the stuff of legend?”
And you thought manicurists were just interested hands? But manicurists have ears. Manicurists have mouths. Kerry “spent six months tending to Heather’s nails – an experience, as she tells The Mail on Sunday, she is unlikely to forget.” This is her story.
Six months looking at Lady Heather’s hands may be something you’d try to forget. But Kerry has total recall. It’s a buff ‘n’ tell. Now read on…
Hanging Put With Nail Technicians
We join the action as Kerry is in café in Brighton.
“Inside, I overheard Heather Mills. She was with her daughter Beatrice and her security guard and she was really running Paul McCartney down, saying he was trying to poison Beatrice against her and declaring: “It’s all about the money for Paul.” I thought it was a bit bad her letting every Tom, Dick and Harry hear that.
Indeed. Says Kerry in the Mail on Sunday (redership 5.8 million adults and heaven knows how many impressionable kiddies): “It’s not the sort of thing you should want strangers to know. But I rang my partner Darren, told him about Heather being there and asked if he thought I should approach her with one of my business cards. He said: ‘Yeah, why not?’”
Says Kerry: “It might seem a bit strange to be so forward, but for my job you have to get the word out.”
Mail on Sunday readers who want to contact Kerry can get in touch with the paper, which produces her business card with the phone number blurred.
In a matter of weeks, Kerry was giving Heather a “gel overlay treatment” on her fingernails. “It’s like a French manicure, but the gel sets hard and doesn’t chip. A lot of celebrities have it.” Oh? “Depending on the treatment, I charge £35-£40. A couple of times Heather tipped me about £20, and other times £5.”
Heather asks Kerry for a pedicure. Says Kerry: “There were a few spare prosthetic legs on a chair.” If Kerry charges by the toe, she could yet make her fortune.
Toe Jobs And Bras
Says Kerry: “Heather is demanding and gives out orders, sometimes clicking her fingers, and she can be abrupt and grand”. Readers learn that’s Lady Mills once told her housekeeper: “Can you rearrange my bras in colour co-ordination?”
During our third appointment, Heather said: “Do you mind if we take a break so I can go with Ben to do some pelvic exercises?”
Her pelvis was smashed in the accident in which she lost her leg, so I said: “Oh, OK, fine.”
She said: “I won’t be long,” and suggested I went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea, which I did.
I could hear loads of laughing going on upstairs.
It didn’t really sound like they were doing the normal sort of pelvic exercises! I wouldn’t be surprised if they had a little fumble.
Indeed not. It’s hard to surprise a manicurist. They’ve seen some thing in their time. They can tell you, Nails, cuticles, calluses, the lot!…
Posted: 17th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Lily Allen Quote Of The Day
THE story so fay. Pop sposkeperson Lily Allen has prmoting her BBC TV chatshow. Now read on…
Reports the Star on Sunday: “Pop babe Lily Allen sparked a security scare – by leaving her key hanging out of her front door!
“Now her family are set to change the locks over fears someone may have copied the key before replacing it.”
Say a frantic Allen: “The show is doing fantastic and I’m sure it’s going to get better and better.”
Posted: 17th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Let’s Play Suicide And Politics With Jordan
AS ever with Katie Price, she of the now-less-gargantuan
Do you begin with “
Or do you, in the other hand (surely on the other hand, ed?) plump for the Star on Sunday’s no less sensational front-page headline: “HOUSE OF LORDS – Katie Price to join Government”?
Tricky choice. Perhaps, though, the stories are not so dissimilar. See if you can guess if the following quotes and facts come from the NOTW or the SoS. Let’s play WARDS or LORDS.
Use your knowledge to say if each of the following lines comes from the story of an ill Jordan (WARDS) or a political Jordan (LORDS). Let’s play:
1. “I think I’m dying!”
2. “
3. “
4. “I’m so ashamed of what happened next. After I’d taken it I thought, ‘This feels good’ and I took some more.” But then the drug took over. “My heart seemed to be racing fast, I felt hot and I began to panic,”
5. “The glamour babe is launching her own Book Club to boost literacy among children”
6. “
7. “My God, that’s it! That’s the end of us!”
8. “Katie, happily married to Peter Andre, has written a series of books including some aimed at children”
9. “Now her bombshell new book’s revelations back up the story of former nanny Becky Gauld, who was sacked in front of millions on the couple’s TV show, The Baby Diaries, for taking a holiday”
10. “I seriously thought, ‘Shall I end it all now? Drive into this wall and kill myself?'”
11. “The Mermaids & Pirates books feature characters Katie the Mermaid and Peter the Pirate”
12. “Pop star Peter was working on his music in their home studio and sad
13. “Go and have a w*** then, because I’m not doing anything!”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 17th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
