Anorak

Celebrities | Anorak - Part 40

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Cheryl Cole Had Ashley Cole Vaccinations In Her Bum

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IN this week’s  OK! magazine, we gain invaluable insight into the life of Cheryl Cole:

“The X Factor judge has admitted she had a vitamin injection in her bum — to help her cope with the revelation that ex-husband Ashley Cole had cheated.”

Just a little prick on your rosy bum….

 

Posted: 6th, June 2014 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Joey Essex Solves Britain’s Skills Shortage In Sunderland

IS there nothing celebrity cannot improve? The Sunderland Echo says Joey Essex is heading to the city to help with education and jobs:

 

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It’s run by Gateshead Council LearningSkills. The Echo notes:

Organisers of the event say that, despite not having any higher education qualifications, Joey has shown that with hard work and dedication you don’t need great academic qualifications to succeed.

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Posted: 5th, June 2014 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Rihanna’s Perfume Banned For Coming With A Free Bear Trap

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THE billboard advertising a new perfume from Rihanna has been banned for being too sexy. The ban makes you want to see it. And her it is. Rihanna is leaning back with her feet rested against a massive bottle of light pinky-brown stuff called ROGUE

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Posted: 4th, June 2014 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


16 Tragic Science Fiction Calendar Miscalculations

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THE phrase “Where’s my jetpack?” has become something of a collective outcry in recent years.  Since the 1950s, we’ve been indoctrinated with visions of the future full of spaceships, time travel, instant food, laser guns, and best of all, dazzling sci-fi duds.

Instead, here we are in 2014 and things haven’t shaped up to that Utopian model at all.  Sure, communication technologies have exceeded our expectations, but the “Jetsons” lifestyle still hasn’t arrived.  Thanks to pop culture’s broken promises of delivering robot maids and whooshing Star Trek doors in a timely manner, we are all a little disappointed.

Here’s a list of sci-fi TV shows and movies and the dates they were supposed to take place.   Some are reasonable… some way, way off the mark.

 

 

1. LAND OF THE GIANTS

 

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Land of the Giants is set in 1983. This is one of the more blatant errors in calculation. Fancy tourist spaceships are still nowhere in sight, and we’re 31 years past the show’s setting.

 

2. UFO

 

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The TV series UFO. was actually set in 1980.   As you will recall,  the SHADO facility was one of the grooviest places on earth. Everything was painted mod colors with babes in mini-skirts or unitards strolling the hallways… and there was Moonbase.  Well, it’s 34 years past due, and still no purple haired Moonmaidens.

 

 

3. SPACE:1999

 

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Anyone who watched Space:1999 knows the show should’ve been called Space:1976. Evidently, earth-toned velour track suits were in vogue on Moonbase Alpha.

 

 

4. LOGAN’S RUN

 

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Logan’s Run is set in 2274.  Even though it features teleportation devices,  I guess it’s far enough away in time that I can go along with it.

 

 

5. BLADE RUNNER

 

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Blade Runner is set in 2019. We officially have five years to go before we have to start worrying about those pesky replicants.

 

 

6. TOTAL RECALL

 

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The year is 2084 in Total Recall.  I was kind of hoping that virtual reality thing would come around a bit sooner.  Although, the three-breasted mutant women and cars driven by Howdy Doody robots can wait.

 

 

7. FORBIDDEN PLANET

 

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Forbidden Planet is set in the early 2200s.  Can we reasonably expect interplanetary travel and Robbie the Robot in a couple hundred years?  The “plastic educator”, a device capable of measuring and enhancing intellectual capacity, seems doable.

 

 

8. THE JETSONS

 

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The original Jetsons was supposed to take place in 2062.  If I could pick any science fiction universe to live in, it would be The Jetsons, without hesitation.  Sure, you still had to work and deal with overbearing bosses (Mr. Spacely was a dick!), but it was more than compensated by the Utopian awesomeness of it all.

 

 

9. PLANET OF THE APES

 

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The crew in Planet of the Apes left earth in 2006 in their spaceship traveling at near light speed. Spoiler alert: They crash landed on Earth in the year 3978.

 

 

10. ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK

 

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The tag line for Escape from New York:

The year is 1997. The Big Apple is the world’s largest penitentiary. Breaking out is impossible. Breaking IN is INSANE.

 

 

11. METROPOLIS

 

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The 1927 film Metropolis is set in 2026.

 

 

12. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

 

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2001: A Space Odyssey was right on the money for a lot of things, but it overshot its wad on artificial intelligence and suspended animation.

 

 

13. ALIEN

 

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Alien is set in 2122. Again, filmmakers have a tendency to underestimate the time it will take to develop this suspended animation thing.  It’s the only feasible way to have interstellar space travel, so I understand their motives.

 

 

14. BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY

 

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The Buck Rogers TV series is set in 2491.  This show was overflowing with sci-fi tropes: lasers, spaceships, groovy fashions, and wisecracking robots.   Since it’s still 477 years away, I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

15. BACK TO THE FUTURE II

 

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Back to the Future II is set in 2015. Only one more year until the hoverboard!

 

 

16. STAR TREK

 

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The best method to avoid having your film or TV show woefully outdated may be to set it far beyond the present date like Dune, which is set thousands of years ahead. Or, opt for the Star Wars plan and have it set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.  But the best plan of all may have been Star Trek which used “Star Dates”, which kept the timeline purposefully ambiguous.

Sadly, that was all ruined by Star Trek: The Next Generation which was set in 2364, which allows us to extrapolate that the original series was about 100 years prior.  This really blows the mystique and pisses me off…. what say you, Dr. Bones?

 

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Posted: 3rd, June 2014 | In: Film, Flashback, Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comments (10)


Crisis Averted: Justin Bieber Loses No Followers

EVEN though Justin Bieber has been in a fair amount of trouble lately, this week, his ears will be going hot with embarrassment after a video was published which showed him telling a racist joke.

Bieber says: “Why are black people afraid of chain saws?” The punchline is both racist and not very funny. To save us from laboriously spelling it out and explaining it in text, you can see the joke here.

 

 

Professional ambulance chasers, TMZ, are the people responsible for the video and, apparently, have had it for a while. You see, Bieber was 15 years old when he told the joke. TMZ decided not to share it with the world because of his age and because he “immediately told his friends what he did was stupid.”

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Posted: 2nd, June 2014 | In: Music | Comment


Boy Band Weed Watch: Dull One Direction Make Smoking Marijuana Uncool

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THE video of One Direction members Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson smoking weed has been shared a million times on the internet and a number of op-ed pieces have fretted over the band’s reputation and the potential for the band misleading their fans into doing naughty things.

So, let us look at each in turn.

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Posted: 2nd, June 2014 | In: Music | Comment


The 10-Point CV Leonardo da Vinci Sent To The Duke of Milan

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AT age 32, Leonardo da Vinci wanted to work for the Duke of Milan, Ludovico Sforza. Leonardo wrote his CV.

My Most Illustrious Lord,

Having now sufficiently seen and considered the achievements of all those who count themselves masters and artificers of instruments of war, and having noted that the invention and performance of the said instruments is in no way different from that in common usage, I shall endeavour, while intending no discredit to anyone else, to make myself understood to Your Excellency for the purpose of unfolding to you my secrets, and thereafter offering them at your complete disposal, and when the time is right bringing into effective operation all those things which are in part briefly listed below:

1. I have plans for very light, strong and easily portable bridges with which to pursue and, on some occasions, flee the enemy, and others, sturdy and indestructible either by fire or in battle, easy and convenient to lift and place in position. Also means of burning and destroying those of the enemy.

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Posted: 2nd, June 2014 | In: Celebrities, Flashback | Comment


Epic Adverts: Dynamic Nashville Bass Player Is Looking For Work In G (Some Restrictions Apply)

A DYNAMIC Bass Player is looking for work in Nashville:

 

 

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Posted: 2nd, June 2014 | In: Money, Music | Comment


S-Nigger Watch: Eeeny Justin Bieber Is No Meeny Jeremy Clarskon

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WHEN he 15, Justin Bieber told a racist joke about black people. Four years on and The Sun is outraged. It’s posted footage of Bieber behaving like a dickhead (which is pretty much all he does) for a documentary called Never Say Never.

The so-called joke goes like this:

Bieber: “What’s the most confusing day for black people?”

He answers his own question: “Father’s Day.”

He then fires another:

Bieber: “Why are black people afraid of chainsaws?

Voice in room:“Don’t say it.”

Bieber: “Run-nigger-nigger-run…”

 

This, to the Sun, is “Bieber’s N-word shame”.

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Posted: 1st, June 2014 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Daily Express Writers Say Daily Express Story Is Untrue

COMPARE and contrast these Daily Express stories on Daily Express columnists Richard And Judy:

 

MAY 12, 2014: Richard and Judy;s “suicide pact”:

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Posted: 1st, June 2014 | In: Celebrities, Reviews | Comment


The Top 10 Lyrical Low Points of the 1970s

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BACK in January, we covered The Top Ten Lyrical Low Points of the 1980s.  Well, it’s time to tackle another decade – the 1970s.  While there were certainly a lot of good songs with good lyrics recorded during this period, there was a metric f**k-ton of bad ones as well.  But despite the enormity of the task, we’ve waded through it and plucked out the worst of reasonably well-known songs, and here they are…

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Posted: 30th, May 2014 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Music | Comments (8)


Rap Genius Founder Fired For Being a Complete Dickhead About Elliot Rodger

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THAT you’re able to think up and found one of the web’s hotter properties does show that you’ve got some smarts. You’re good at doing something at least. But that’s not to say that having done that that you’re smart, as Mahbod Moghadam of Rap Genius has just proven. For he’s gone off and done something so dickheaded that he’s had to immediately resign from the company that he himself founded. He took the manifesto of the UCSB psycho shooter who killed all those people last week and loaded it up onto his own site. Fair enough, that’s what it’s for, you put a document up on Rap Genius and then people can add their annotations to it. But then he started to make his own annotations. Which were not cool, not cool at all:

Rap Genius co-founder Mahbod Moghadam has been fired from the annotation service after posting appalling comments on the memoir of mass murderer Elliot Rodger, who killed six people in a shooting spree earlier this week.

In now-removed annotations on the site on the sick 141-page manifesto, Moghadam added a tasteless series of comments, including “beautifully written” and also “MY GUESS: his sister is smokin hot.”

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Posted: 29th, May 2014 | In: Money, Music, Reviews, Technology | Comment


Copyright Suits: Beastie Boys Lose The Right To Say ‘No’

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WHEN Adam Yauch passed away, his fellow Beastie Boys were told, in no uncertain terms, that they should respect his legacy by never allowing their music to be used in advertisements.

And so, the Beasties are now taking on the Monster Energy drinks company over music used for commercial purposes.

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Posted: 29th, May 2014 | In: Money, Music | Comment


The Devil Made Them Do It: The Five Best Exorcist (1973) Knock-Offs

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WILLIAM Friedkin’s The Exorcist — based on the best-selling novel by William Peter Blatty — quickly became one of the first genre blockbusters of the seventies, and a generational touchstone to boot.

The Exorcist also represented a new brand of horror film, in a sense, because it lacked a familiar “monster” like Dracula, the Wolf Man or The Frankenstein Monster, and it didn’t depend on well-known genre personalities, like Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, or Peter Cushing, either.

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Posted: 29th, May 2014 | In: Film, Flashback, Key Posts | Comments (6)


Here’s Some New Music From Shy And Not-At-All-Money-Mad Queen

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THE notoriously shy and not-at-all-money-obsessed Queen have confirmed plans to release a new album featuring previously unheard tracks sung by their late frontman Freddie Mercury.

Since Freddie’s untimely death, Queen have never been so busy, putting out musicals under the band’s name and touring the world with a variety of guest singers, like Paul Rodgers from Free.

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Posted: 29th, May 2014 | In: Music | Comment


Kasabian Release An ‘Important’ Message To The Cool Kids

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MODERN rock ‘n’ roll is in a treacherous place – it is ruled by musicians too masculine and backward looking, while the rest of the world’s genres has mixed it all up.

And without any trace of irony, Kasabian’s furry helmeted Serge Pizzorno has said that rock ‘n’ roll is dying.

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Posted: 29th, May 2014 | In: Music | Comment (1)


AKB48: Japanese Girlgroup Attacked With A Saw

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RECENTLY, women’s rights have been shoved to the forefront of the debate, thanks to a number of dreadful events. It has been difficult for some men to read the #YesToWomen hashtag, which has shown just how unsettling life can be for women.

While most men aren’t to blame for all that befalls women, most things that befall our female buddies is at the hands of men.

And so, to Japan, where two members of hugely popular Japanese pop group AKB48 were left hospitalised after a fan attacked them with a saw.

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Posted: 27th, May 2014 | In: Music, Reviews | Comment


Hunter S Thompson’s Daily Diet Regime: Chivas, Dunhill, Cocaine

HUNTER S Thompson’s daily routine:

 

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Posted: 27th, May 2014 | In: Celebrities, Flashback | Comment


Katie Price: Kieran Hayler On Horsing Around With Jane Pountney’s Hatchback

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KATIE Price’s third husband, Kieran ‘Loud’ Hayler tells Sun readers that he had sex with his wife’s “best pal” in her stables.

In an instant the mind turns to an image of the skin-tight stripper stood on an pile of his wife’s autobiographies behind a horse. Indeed, Hayler adds:

“We had sex standing up. It was very quick — we just unzipped and did it.”

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Posted: 25th, May 2014 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jack White: Bring Back The Clapometer At Gigs

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NOTICED how there’s a lot of rock musicians complaining about the modern world lately? Like lunatics shouting at cars for being evil horseless carriages, spewing out Satan’s plume, they gripe and bitch about every modern development… apart from the ones that make them money.

And so, to Jack White – the most catholic musician in the universe – who has criticised people at gigs who spend more time on their mobile phones than watching the gig itself.

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Posted: 23rd, May 2014 | In: Music | Comment


The Top 15 Greatest Retro Sci-Fi TV Themes

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THE mission: To identify the top 15 science fiction television program themes from eons past. It’s a region of space many Internet listers have gone before… but those were just training exercises. This expedition is for real. Let the countdown begin.

 

1. UFO

 


Goes well with martinis, miniskirts and go-go boots. Truthfully, anything that conjures up memories of those purple haired Moon Maidens is going to be top of the list.

 

 

2. Star Trek (original series)

 


How could the Star Trek intro not be in the list? No matter what you think of the show, you’ll have to agree this intro captures the thrill of exploration about as good as can be done. We may spend our days in a cubicle behind a desk, but when this intro plays, the dashing and adventurous Magellan lurking deep inside all of us gets bestirred.

 

 

3. Dr. Who

 


The Tom Baker intro will always be my favorite. Nostalgia aside, for my money, the sound of this track captures the “sci-fi feel” (if there is such a thing) better than any other, and the making of it is an amazing story. Only Star Trek trumps it due to Kirk’s brilliant prose.

 

 

4. The Twilight Zone

 


Is there an intro to any show, science fiction or otherwise, more iconic than this? “Doo dee doo doo, doo dee doo doo” has become a part of our lexicon.

 

 

5. The Tomorrow People

 


Similar to the Dr. Who theme, it has that spine-tingling, creepy vibe, yet is unmistakably science-fiction in sound.

 

 

6. The Six Million Dollar Man

 

 

“We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better…stronger…faster.”

Gives me goose bumps to this day.

 

 

7. The Outer Limits

 

 

“There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture.”

Anyone who remembers those ominous words intoned across the airwaves can testify that this belongs on the list.

 

 

8. Lost in Space

 


There were a few versions, but the “countdown version” is the best.

 

 

9. Space: 1999

 


You can’t go wrong when you combine the distinctively Seventies “waka waka” with a Gerry Anderson groove.
However, when it comes to raw Seventies sci-fi vibe, nothing comes close to the next on the list…

 

 

10. Star Maidens

 


For all-around 70s sci-fi awesomeness, the ultimate is, without question, Star Maidens. It would be higher on this list, but the intro is just a boring narration. However, the funktastic closing credits and incidental music was solid 70s gold.

 

 

11. Logan’s Run

 


Catchy and corny, but a fun sci-fi intro nonetheless. Of course, Heather Menzies’ constantly fluttering micro-miniskirt may be contributing to my bias.

 

 

12. Sapphire and Steel

 

 

“All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each dimension. Transuranic heavy elements may not be used where there is life. Medium atomic weights are available: Gold, Lead, Copper, Jet, Diamond, Radium, Sapphire, Silver and Steel. Sapphire and Steel have been assigned.”

By the same guy that did the Dr. Who intro, no less.

 

 

13. The Starlost

 


Didn’t think Canada could make a groovy sci-fi theme? Once you get past the sleepy narration, things get hopping.
Thankfully, the series starred a Canadian game show host (Robin Ward) who wasn’t a drooling sexual predator. No idea what the hell I’m talking about? See this post.

Quickly moving right along…

 

 

14. Battlestar Galactica

 


It’s unfortunate that so many sci-fi openers got muddied by lame narration. I suppose a lot of explanation was in order – we wouldn’t want audiences confused. However, unless you have Shatner reading the lines, the theme is in danger of being dull. In the case of Battlestar Galactica, the orchestral part is so sweeping and large sounding, that it washes away the bad memories of Lorne Green’s intro.

 

 

15. The Jetsons

 


Everyone knows the words to this iconic theme song; you simply can’t have a list of top sci-fi themes without it.

I’m sure there are plenty of glaring omissions. (For instance, I nearly included the profoundly awesome Quark theme song, but it’s just too damn similar to Star Trek’s). Please, drop a suggestion in a comment and let’s make this list grow.

Posted: 22nd, May 2014 | In: Film, Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)